Previously: Not as bad as we were expecting, but still a pilot.
—
Get That Mother Out
Liz: Previously on Charmed: Mother Witch is killed while her degenerate daughters are making out with hot detectives and attending military themed mixers. The half-sister, amusingly twice as tall as the other sisters, finds out her mother wasn’t dead all along. Well, I mean, Mother Witch is still dead but more recently dead than half-sister thought. I think one of the sister’s name is Mel, but I am at a lost for the other two. Did they also start with M? Maggie? Mabel? Melissa? Mariah! M3 finds out they are witches with a certain set of skills (Liam Neeson voice). Mel can slow time. Sorority Sister (Malia? Mari?) can hear the thoughts of those near her. Science Sister (Mia? Mattie?) can…hm. I don’t remember Science Sister’s gift, but she did have a microscope attachment for her cellphone and the power of baking soda. *Generic white English actor* explains to M3 that they are in fact sister witches. They fight Rapist Professor AKA White Walker™, and decide to accept their powers and defeat evil dogs and sorority presidents, I guess. I promise I’ll get better as this. Time to pull up the IMDB page, and learn some names! It’s time for Charmed!
Lainey: I have nothing snarky to add here, you pretty much nailed it.
Liz: First scene. Back at the lab! We’ve got a janitor, suspiciously dressed as a stunt woman walking on set, cleaning up the White Walker™ mess. The janitor is learning German? Swedish? Russian? on tape. She looks at a black stain. Oh no, girl! That isn’t a stain. That is the black goo from Venom. (L: Straight up thought it was a symbiote. What will they mimic next episode??) The black goo attacks, enters the stunt woman’s body, decides it’s not a spacious enough floor plan, and ejects through the mouth and into an air vent.
Marines: I was literally that black goo while apartment shopping, I get it.
Liz: Back at the House. *Generic White English Actor* AKA Harry creeps up on the ladies during their game of Ouija. Mother Witch’s ghost has warned them to not trust Harry, and M3 has a hard time keeping it cool. (L: They’re not even trying to be slick.) Harry warns them that they are the Charmed Ones, and they should be on the lookout for any suspicious demon activity. Oh, and stay away from spirit boards because trickster demons will try to… trick. M3 has to decide who to trust.
Lainey: It’s at this point in the episode where I am really hoping they switch it up and don’t have this all be a giant misdirect, but I’m clearly asking too much here.
Mari: The misdirect is that Harry is evil even though his actual job is WHITElighter. They are just going to misdirect on the misdirect. 😎
Liz: WhiteLIAR
Sorority Sister and Science Sister AKA Maggie and Macy hang out and talk about how weird their lives are now. Macy reminds me of her gift: telekinesis. (M: The best gift.) Maggie tells Macy to be careful with the mom bong. I thought at first she said muckbang, but it was cleared up when Maggie explains she broke her mother’s bong when she was younger and tried to recreate it in art class. (L: I wonder if this useless tidbit will come back later in the episode…) Though the mom bong is painted in primary colors, the construction is very good. Maybe Maggie should take some ceramic classes and nurture that skill.
Mel enters with the Book of Shadows. She read that spirit boards are legit, and maybe they shouldn’t trust Harry. Mel wants to talk to Mother Witch. Macy is rational and suggests that they figure a way to find out if Harry is lying. The Book of Shadows flips open to a truth serum recipe. Maggie sides with Macy, and everyone is surprised. Mel hesitantly agrees to stay away from the spirit board, but we know that won’t happen.
Later. Macy brews the truth serum while the other two do nothing but complain and brainstorm a nickname for Harry since he seems to appear when they say his name. (M: Meghan Markle is a very good nickname, I approve.) Macy needs a certain ingredient from the lab to finish the serum. (L: I’d like to know what witchy ingredient can POSSIBLY be found in a science lab. But, ok. Gotta get her there somehow to talk to the boy from the pilot.) Maggie leaves for Kappa duties wearing a pair of leather gloves in hopes that it will block her psychic powers.
The Kappas are visiting a comatose Angela Wu because hospitals just let sorority sisters stand around snapping at patients. Maggie shows up late, and Lucy comments on her “inappropriate hand wear” and begins a non-denominational prayer circle. Maggie realizes the gloves aren’t working as the sorority sisters’ thoughts ring loud and clear. Maggie grabs Angela Wu’s hand, and a comical, horror movie scream comes from Angela. Angela is obviously not having fun in a coma.
Mari: I think the only fun comas happen in Sweet Valley.
Liz: The lab. Macy finds the missing ingredient and runs into Galvin. Will we finally find out their steamy or dry past? (M: I think dry. Galvin wants a steamy future.) Macy says sorry for throwing a beer bottle at him. We find out Professor White Walker “resigned” as in exploded. Macy finds residual black goo on the air vent. She is, of course, suspicious.
House. Maggie makes out with Brian because it’s been a rough day, and she needs dick therapy. (L: She hasn’t even unpacked Coma Girl’s scream, but I guess it’s not relevant enough to the plot yet.) (M: Maybe she thinks everyone screams in a coma and also dick therapy is waiting.) Maggie is forced to listen to Brian’s asinine thoughts while making out, and she is having a hard time with this whole friends with benefits thing. Elsewhere in the house, Mel and Niko flirt on the phone. The spirit board moves, and Mel can’t resist a chance to talk to the dead.
Hospital. Macy finds Harry standing over a sleeping janitor/stunt woman. He says he is there to wipe the demon memories. Macy lies when Harry asks if she has seen any suspicious demon activity.
House. Mel tells Maggie that the spirit board is really their mother. Macy runs in shortly after. Mel once again assures that is their mother, and the board grabs Maggie’s hand. Of course this happened, Mel! She is definitely the emotional, stubborn one, and I don’t think I am going to get along with her.
Lainey: -sigh-
Liz: School. Macy finds out the janitor died. Harry shows up. What terrible timing! She serves tea (sip sip) and waits for the truth serum to kick in, but we are shown Niko feeling the effects of the serum as she botches an interrogation. Niko calls Mel, and Mel pretty quickly realizes the mix up.
House. Maggie repairs the spirit board. The board sends her a message: “release me”. Don’t fall for that, Maggie.
Mari: I can’t think of a situation in which an inanimate object says “release me” and I would think that’s a good idea.
Liz: Mel and Maggie have the emotional intelligence of 5 year olds, and they release their mother from the board without consulting Macy. They have their happy reunion. Mother Witch reveals Harry killed her.
Harry brings Macy back to the house after an awkward tea party. The girls knock Harry out after he tries to attack the mother. The mother wants to trap him in a prism. Maggie notices she can’t read her mother’s thoughts after an embrace, and the mother explains it because she is dead. I guess the dead don’t think. Grim.
Mari: But if you are in a coma, you can still scream!
Liz: The girls locate a mirror in their mother’s old office that supposedly will hold the prism. They enter the mirror but realize quickly they don’t know how to get out.
Liz: M3 and Harry sit around in the living room and discuss the moral of the episode: something, something suppressing and discovering emotions.
Liz: Overall, I am worried. I am worried that this show is going to be boring as this episode was. Some of the appeal has worn off since the pilot, and now I’m left with a lot of magic cheese. It doesn’t help that I am fully invested in Terrace House right now, and that is all I want to watch. Mari, can we please watch Terrace House instead?? Next week’s episode is Halloween themed and includes a discount Ring girl, so there is something to look forward to!
Lainey: The episode was a real missed opportunity to break the mold. The predictability made it boring. Could a Halloween-themed episode turn it around? Lol, I doubt it.
Mari: I liked the pilot more than this one, but I still think it was entertaining. I think the show is doing some set-up that can drag a bit, but that is necessary. If the sisters went from meeting each other to besties in an episode, that would be something to complain about, too. There are notes that this is hitting that is right in line with the genre, but it’s trying to subvert in different ways? Small ways. From using a cellphone instead of a mirror, to having ouija boards but having THAT be the vessel for evil, to trying to incorporate science into magic. Sure, the big twist wasn’t that Harry was evil, but it’s still doing enough that I’m hopeful more than not.
Overall, I’m not as upset at this episode. Mainly because I’m still watching Charmed 1.0 and that’s still worse.
Next time on Charmed: Maggie casts a party spell in S01 E03 – Sweet Tooth.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm an Iowa native... still in Iowa who likes to write and talk about books on my YouTube channel, gingerreadslainey. When I'm not writing, I'm usually looking up conspiracy theories and finding at least one good thing in every action movie deemed bad.
