Charmed S03 E18 – Great balls of desire.

Previously: Piper and Leo almost moved out. Almost.
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Sin Francisco

Marines: Instrumental pop-rock plays over establishing shots of San Francisco. Phoebe and Prue park their car. They are looking for something, but they aren’t sure exactly what. Prue just knows that it’s some sort of evil-y thing. She was scrying for unnatural activity and this location came up. Phoebe can’t believe that Prue is actually looking for trouble now. What happened to putting more balance in her life? Prue says that she shot a magazine cover the day before, went on a date that night and this morning she’s scrying for evil! Balance! 

Is this like when I eat a Ritter Sport because it’s chocolate, but it has SPORT in the name?

Prue says that, anyway, ever since Piper and Phoebe don’t need her anymore, she’s got more time to look after other people. Phoebe tells her that’s supposed to be a good thing, but Prue looks unconvinced. And then she spots a shady looking dumpster. Prue telekinesises the cover open and Phoebe gets super excited because it’s the coffeemaker that she wanted! Prue points out that it’s… just… an empty carton. 

      

Wow. I’m not sure why that happened. 

Jessica: I have no words.

Mari: They walk on and Prue asks about Cole, because she hasn’t seen him in a while. Phoebe says he’s trying to avoid magical bounty hunters, but still finds the time to shimmer into the bedroom at night and shimmer right on out in the morning. It’s raising old issues for Phoebe as she’s questioning whether or not Cole really loves her or just her charms. Prue assures her that Cole loves her, as proven by all the times he risked his life to save her. Sure, but also, he tried to murder her a bunch of times so I think it all cancels out. 

The girls notice a fireball coming from an alley. We cut there and Suited Blond Man is begging a Shabby Blond Man for one more of something. (Suited Man looks familiar and it’s because he’s from both Days of Our Lives and Pretty Little Liars.) Shabby pushes Suited off, but Suited stomps his feet (literally) and says he has to have more. Shabby says you can never have enough greed and fireballs Suited into a dumpster. 

Prue and Phoebe arrive, and Prue telekinesises Shabby into a wall. He drops his greed box, and Suited makes a dive for it. Prue thinks on her feet and telekinesises the box across the street. Phoebe kicks Shabby with an actual HIYAH! just so she can earn her paycheck, I guess. (J: I mean, any chance to say “Hiyah!” you gotta take it.) Shabby says that the box belongs to Lukas and then disappears. Meanwhile, Suited Blond Man is still all about getting that box, so he runs into traffic and gets hit by a bus. Whoops. 

I AM THE SAHN. 

Crime scene. Daryl is talking to the bus driver and otherwise investigating. I see that the credits list Orgy as a musical guest. I hope you are all as excited as I am. (J: And the ’90s flashbacks continue!) Prue asks Daryl if he’s found anything, but he says nothing unusual. He thinks this is a suicide, but Prue tells him it’s definitely demon-related. Suited was a successful, married stockbroker philanthropist with two kids. Because no successful married stockbroker philanthropist with kids would commit suicide, I guess. 

Prue says that something must’ve changed in a hurry because all Suited cared about was the box she now has stuffed in her bag. She doesn’t know what’s in it yet, but it must be something worth dying for. 

Phoebe is giving her statement to a cop, who promptly asks her out to dinner. (J: Nothing says “hey maybe date me” like questioning someone at a murder scene, amirite?) She says that she’s seeing someone, and he’s not surprised. Daryl calls him away so Phoebe joins Prue. Is it me or is Charmed killing more people? Prue is very upset about this latest one, but Phoebe says they need more information. Prue thinks they should start with “Lukas.” 

Kevin Weisman from a bunch of stuff, but most recently from Runaways is very upset at Shabby for losing the box. (J: I definitely immediately recognized him as Marshall from Alias!) Shabby pull out a glowy crystal and says that at least they have Suited’s soul. Lukas says that he needs to deliver 7 souls for 7 sins, with the now added challenge of getting around the witches. I replayed the next bit where Lukas formulates a plan to try to explain his reasoning to you, but I’m not at all ashamed to admit that I followed none of it. Something, something, sin warping human desire. And then Lukas just kills Shabby because he doesn’t need him anymore. Can’t say I’ll miss Shabby’s puffy vest. 

Jessica: It felt like a verbatim transcript of how the writer’s room tried to figure out this episode and their villain-of-the-week’s motives/plan.

Mari: Good thing it doesn’t actually matter at all.

Manor. Oh my god, I just saw what Phoebe is wearing. It is also a vest of sorts that clasps at the front, except she’s decided to just wear the vest. I think it’s held together by a giant safety pin? Wow wow wow. I have to move on before I stay here forever. (J: What. Even.)

Prue pulls out the glowy box, but Phoebe tells her not to open it. She’s going to get Piper first. 

Piper is in the kitchen rolling her own sushi while in dressed  in Asian inspired garb. Less eye offensive but more offensive offensive than Phoebe’s outfit. Phoebe asks what she’s doing and she quickly gives us her new problem she’ll hyper focus on now that she’s married: she’s scared The Powers That Be (contriving) are going to take Leo away from her, so she’s being an extra good wife who cookes and cleans and dresses her man and buys him new clothes. Phoebe mostly just switches the subject back to the innocent they lost. (J: Piper’s married now, did you know? So everything in the next 1,000 episodes has to be related to that in some way.)

They run out to the living room where Prue has decided she’s just going to open the mysterious glowy demon box. Phoebe confiscates it and actually is the voice of reason about opening mysterious glowy demon boxes. (J: Why? Why why why?) Piper suggests they ask her husband, who tinkles in shortly thereafter. Of course, he isn’t very helpful and says they should consult the Book of Shadows. (J: Like they do every week? And they treat it like it’s some kind of revelatory idea??)

Piper reminds Phoebe that she’s got a 2:00 meeting with her ethics profession. Her sisters tell her to go do that and they will handle the mysterious glowy demon box. Prue suggests she go put on a real shirt first, though. (J: One of them finally said it!!!) I agree mostly because it looks like there is something like an egg yolk on the front of that vest, what is even happening. 

Okay, sorry, sorry, we moved on.

In the attic, Prue has found the mysterious glowy demon box in the Book of Shadows. It’s a box of sin. Leo explains (because now he knows something) that the balls of sin (seriously) are used to corrupt paragons of good. (J: Orgy should consider changing their name to Balls of Sin.) Whatever sin the paragon is predisposed to attacks them. The key seems to be to destroy Lukas so the balls of sin lose their power. All Leo knows about who wields the sin balls is that they are once-humans who were consumed by sin in life and in death. 

Piper suggests finding a spell that removes sin in case Lukas strikes again. Prue says you can’t remove sin because it’s a part of everyone. 

Meanwhile, the girls have left the sin box downstairs unattended. Lukas shimmers in and grabs it. I think he should just shimmer out and continue on his sin ball way, but alas. 

Phoebe comes down the stairs now wearing a shirt that is an explosion of pink and orange with a red fuzzy vest on top. (J: Still better than egg yolk vest.) Lukas hits her with a sin ball, and she yelps. The other three come downstairs and get hit with sin balls of their own before Lukas shimmers away. No one feels immediately different so Leo is going to go ask TPTB(c) if they are immune, Prue and Piper are going back to the Book of Shadows, and Phoebe is going to see her ethics professor. 

We go with Phoebe. Her professor is telling her she’s missed too many classes and has an outstanding paper. Phoebe is squirming in her chair and then abruptly tells her professor that she’s not wearing any underwear. She tells him that she’s been a very bad girl, and she wants to make it up to him. She then violently flips the guy down to the floor. So, lust then for Phoebe. (J: We saw this coming but, oof, so uncomfortable.)

Manor. Piper is on the phone with Bloomingdales ordering so much stuff she has to split the total on two credit cards. Prue hangs up the phone before she can ruin her credit score and her life. Piper is day drinking champagne and eating chocolates so I’m going gluttony. Prue says that the sin balls work pretty quickly, heading to total destruction within two hours of infection. She tried scrying for unnatural activity but kept getting pointed to the Manor. 

Phoebe rushes in with the news that her ethics professor kicked her out of class.

      

By the time Piper starts eating an entire pie, Prue has figured out that Phoebe has lust and Piper has gluttony. Piper calls out for Leo, but Prue tells her that he isn’t up in Tinkletown. He’s in the living room watching TV. 

In the living room, Leo is full on hand-in-pants watching TV. Piper says he’s missing chips and runs to get them. Phoebe wants him to turn on MTV so she can oogle Carson Daly. (What.) (J: HELLO THERE ’90s.) Prue tries to get them all to focus, but to no avail. 

The doorbell rings and Piper runs to answer it. It’s a bunch of flowers she ordered for herself. Phoebe flirts with the delivery men. Prue shoos them away and reminds them they will die after being infected. Piper wonders why she got gluttony because she doesn’t overeat. Prue says that she does overdo things, though. Phoebe asks what Prue got, but she think she didn’t get infected. Either that or she’s strong enough to fight it off because she isn’t showing any symptoms, which is a good thing since someone has to keep their wits about them.

The news catches Prue’s eye. A SWAT team surrounds a building where a pastor has a bunch of hostages. He’s demanded a fancy green convertible, so Prue figures this guy got hit with envy. Prue wants to hurry up and get there so they don’t lose another innocent. Piper wants to stay and hold down the couch with Leo. Prue says she’ll just do it all herself if she has to, but Phoebe goes with her. 

Prue asks Daryl to just let her handles this and he’s like “that’s literally not how any of this works.” Phoebe is distracted because she spots the hot cop from earlier this morning. She leaves to go flirt with him. Prue doesn’t like what Daryl says about how the hostage negotiators are going to handle this so she just runs into the building. 

Once she’s in there, she tries to reason with Pastor Envy, who really just wants a convertible very badly. Prue tries to the telekinesis the gun he’s holding way, but for some reason, her powers don’t fully work. Pastor Envy shoots her. 

Outside, everyone gets really nervous. Daryl uses a bullhorn to call out to Prue, but there’s no movement or sound for a few pregnant moments. But then Prue walks out with the hostage, showboating a little as she does. She’s surrounded by newscasters and starts to answer their questions about who she is and why she ran into the building. Daryl pulls her away before she reveals all her secrets and asks what the heck is wrong with her. She’s even bleeding, but didn’t feel when the bullet grazed her. Slowly, she realizes that her behavior is really self-destructive, so she must’ve gotten infected, which is also why her powers didn’t work. Daryl has no idea what’s going on, so Prue just tells him to get Pastor Envy some place safe where no one will find him for a few hours. 

Phoebe is making out with the cop in the back of a SWAT van. (J: I just … I don’t know.) She pulls out a line of condoms, happy that she came prepared. Daryl and Prue find them. Daryl is pissed at the officer and Prue at her sister. She helps her back into her fuzzy vest.

     

Daryl keeps berating the cop for almost having sex mid-crisis. He claims it was all Phoebe’s fault, which Daryl says is a horrible excuse. Daryl suspends the cop, who then gets very angry. Lukas appears to hit the cop with a sin ball. 

Prue and Phoebe get home only to find that it’s full of stuff Piper bought while they were gone and had magically delivered. That’s not sarcasm, she used magic to somehow get all this stuff here. (J: That’s like, some Hogwarts-level shit.) Prue can’t believe her, but Piper won’t listen to reason. 

Meanwhile, Phoebe has sauntered into the living room to flirt with Leo. Piper finds them and yells at her sister, threatening to throw a statue she bought at Phoebe’s head. Prue intervenes and reminds them that they have innocents to protect and someone is out there, being infected with anger. Prue tries to get Leo to orb to Tinkletown for answers, but he’s too lazy. He orbs upstairs for a nap instead. Prue says FINE they don’t need him. They still have the power of three. Phoebe is oogling men in a catalog. Piper is… doing this:

Anger Cop stomps out of the station out of uniform. Lukas appears and asks if Anger Cop knows where they are keeping Pastor Envy. Anger Cop couldn’t get anyone to tell him. Lukas is disappointed, and Anger Cop is so angry it causes him physical pain. Lukas tells him to use all that rage against the Halliwells. And then maybe get some Tums. I added the last part. 

Manor. Prue can’t find anything at all in the Book of Shadows and wonders why only lame witches preceded them. Piper snarkily says that Prue is the best witch ever, that’s why. Prue replies that at least she’s trying. Piper is sitting there getting a foot massage with a thing she bought and Phoebe is sleeping. Phoebe clarifies that she’s actually just getting sexy premonitions from the button she kept off Anger Cop’s uniform. Prue says she’ll just do everything, save the innocents, vanquish the demon, and then consider saving her sisters. Piper says they are fine but then knocks a lamp into her foot massager, electrocuting herself. Close call. 

The doorbell rings so Phoebe looks out the window and sees that it’s Anger Cop. She opens up the window to yell down and almost falls out. Prue is there to grab her and pull her back in. Another close call. 

Phoebe runs downstairs to answer the door. She’s all flirty, but Anger cop whips out his (actual) gun and demands to know where Pastor Envy is. Phoebe says she doesn’t know and gets pushed into a bunch of Piper’s stuff. He goes on a tirade, breaking stuff, and I can’t even concentrate because I’m only thinking about how Piper won’t be able to return any of this. 

She’s downstairs soon, yelling about her stuff. She freezes Anger Cop, but he manages to fight his way out of it. Anger Cop starts shooting, Piper falls down the stairs, Phoebe lunges at Anger Cop, and even more things break I AM UPSET. Piper gets trapped under an avalanche of her own stuff. Prue comes downstairs and sees the wreck. Anger Cop points his gun at her but then in his pain and rage, starts to turn the gun on himself. Prue starts telekinesising even more stuff at Anger Cop, but since her powers are all wonky, it takes a few tries before she manages to knock Anger Cop out. Lukas appears behind Prue as she looks at both of her knocked out sisters and tells her that you can’t save what’s already lost. He grabs Prue and shimmers out. 

After a not!break, Piper comes to. She calls for Leo but gets no reply, so she struggles all the way up stairs. She calls out to Leo who finally hears her when she breaks another thing. Leo jumps out of bed to come to Piper’s aid so he glows and loses his sin ball. Piper tells Leo to go take care of Phoebe first, before worrying about her, so she glows and losers her sin ball. They did selfless things so hooray, no more sin balls. 

Downstairs, Leo heals Phoebe. She comes to and asks where Prue is. Piper doesn’t know, but they need to find her. Prue won’t admit it, but she’s in big trouble. 

Lukas Lair. Prue is tied up and struggling against her binds while Lukas laughs at her and tells her that pride is the deadliest of all sins. She has a small window of opportunity to save herself. Prue prides that no demon has defeated her yet. Lukas says that she is going to defeat herself, unless of course, she makes a deal with him: hand over Pastor Envy and he’ll remove her sin. Prue says no go, so Lukas opens a hole to hell and tells her that pride goes before a very long fall. Prue seemingly gives in, and tells Lukas to untie her. For some reason, he does. (J: They’re sin balls, not smart balls. Eh? Eh?) Prue tells him he loses and jumps into the hell hole. 

Leo, Piper and Phoebe arrive just then. Leo quickly orbs into the hell hole to save Prue. Piper freezes Lukas. Leo orbs back with Prue, still fighting him, saying she has everything under control. Apparently, the only way to get rid of Prue’s pride is to vanquish Lukas. Phoebe grabs his box of sin balls and just throws them all at him. For whatever reason, this works, (J: Hey, the most common refrain on Charmed recaps!) and he falls into the hell hole. Pride jumps out of Prue and anger and envy appear back in the box. Phoebe throws the box and remaining sins into the hell hole and Prue closes it, the same way she saw Lukas open in. Piper finds one more glowy crystal, but for some reason, Phoebe correctly guesses that it’s Suited’s soul. Leo takes it so he can release it some place nice.

Prue admits that she needed her sisters a lot more than they needed her. Piper says humble Prue is too weird. They want their sister back. Prue starts bragging about the innocents she saved and her sisters leave without her. 

P^3. Oh my gosh guys it’s ORGY! We get like a minute of them on the stage. Prue brings Piper a drink, but she’s not sure she wants to indulge. Prue says it’s fine, as long as you don’t overindulge. Piper thinks they have Lukas to thank for teaching them anything in moderation. Prue snaps that Lukas didn’t teach her anything, and then realizes that she’s doing the pride thing again. Prue wonders why Leo, Piper and Phoebe were able to get rid of their sins with selfless acts. She was selfless acting all over the place and nothing. Piper figures that there is no selfless act to pride. Even when Prue jumped into the hell hole, she did it to win. (J: Yet another writer’s room conversation literally written in for us.) Prue is like FINE whatever. She drinks to Leo saving her life. Piper drinks to not trying to be the perfect couple. 

Phoebe runs in wearing two beaded halves of what wanted to be a whole shirt.

She wrote her paper on sexual politics and convinced her professor the whole thing with him was research. She got a B- and is going to be able to graduate. Prue says she’s proud of Phoebe, which Phoebe says means a lot coming from her. Prue says no more sin talk and turns to the band. She asks Piper who they are. “Orgy,” Piper smirks. 

And then we have to watch them on stage for another minute until the end of the episode.

Jessica: Who did they pay for this? They got play time, plus a line. Was the entire episode just created to revolve around their name? Their cache wasn’t this strong, even in the ’90s … was it? I have so many questions.

Mari: All I can say is that in a series of truly terrible episodes, this wasn’t the most terrible. 

Wait, I just remembered that vest again. I take it back. 

 

Next time on Charmed: Cole goes undercover in S03 E19 – The Demon Who Came in from the Cold.