Charmed (Reboot) S01 E03 – That old virgin magic.

Previously: Possessed Ouija board, not the misdirection we wanted.
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Sweet Tooth

Lainey: Ok, here we go. Halloween episodes are my favorite. How much will this one let me down?

Warehouse? I’m guessing. The girls are running from some monster noise off-screen. They narrowly escape sticks being hurled at them. Mel stops running and says they need to bind “it” because it’s too big to freeze. They start doing witchy things like pouring salt on the ground and getting matches, but oh no! Maggie gets a text from Lucy, the sorority president, that the pledge meeting is now in ten minutes! The luck. Mel gets rightfully annoyed and then the flying stick goes right into Maggie’s shoulder. Rough. (M: I mean… she kind of earned that.) By the way, the demon looks like Satan if Satan was an ant with horns or… something…

Liz: I am already confused.  

Marines: I’m fresh off binging The Chilling Adventure of Sabrina where Satan looked a goat. IDK if that’s better or worse.

Lainey: Macy tries to telekinesis another stick at the demon, but can’t for some reason. Mel is like “I got this!” and uses some spell and the demon explodes.

At this point I paused to verify I didn’t miss an episode or something because they went from stupidly summoning Ouija board demons last episode to level ten magic in this episode.  Harry blows a whistle, and it’s revealed this is all an illusion and they were running a magic simulator. Just kidding guys!

Harry starts to lecture them and they complain about the simulations being too real. Harry also points out Macy’s performance anxiety and that’s a whole thing sure to come up later. Then he yells at Maggie for wanting a social life because the Harbinger is running amok in town and they need to be prepared. The 3Ms are annoyed with Harry, Harry is annoyed with the 3Ms and I’m annoyed with everyone. Mel just wants to go out there and kill the demon, Elders be damned! But Harry is telling her to cool her roll, they need to train.

Liz: Who are the ~ELdeRrRsS~?

Mari: We call them The Powers That Be Contriving around here. 

Lainey: Just using my previous Charmed 1.0 knowledge, ha.

POV shot outside a dorm. Some heavy breathing is telling me this isn’t someone good as they creep on co-eds. Heavy Breather zones in on this boy who clearly ends all his tweets with #NotAllMen as he rants that feminists are the worst. Can’t relate. Heavy Breather knocks on the window and MAGA Boy, gets up and looks directly at the camera so upset he was interrupted, but clearly knows who Heavy Breather is. MAGA Boy screams and the screen goes black.

Liz: Goodbye, Khaki Nazi. 

Mari: It’s hard to feel bad you just got murdered.

Lainey: Title card, but this time, bloody.

Liz: Aunt Flo is in town. 

Mari: Wooow.

Lainey: MMManor. Mel asks the Book of Shadows how to find the Harbinger. It lands on some page I was too lazy to pause and read, but Mel is barely able to investigate it when Niko creeps up behind her, worried where she went. She hopes Mel isn’t getting obsessive over her mom’s death again. Mel promises she isn’t, and they leave the attic.

Down in the kitchen, Macy is telekinesis-ing an egg to her but drops it when Mel and Niko enter. Niko leaves none the wiser. They talk about being sneaky, and Mel mentions that she found a spell in the book that will send any demon in a 26 mile radius straight to them, which is oddly specific. (M: I did a brief search on numerology and 26, and all I got is that, uh, it definitely means something. We’re good at research around here.) Only thing they need to do is sacrifice a goat. Macy thinks they should leave it up to the Elders then starts yelling “sugar!” and goes into the science-y exposition I really don’t care to know. Something about the lab, sulfuric acid, and sugar and how I’m supposed to know what happens when those two things are combined. Spoiler Alert: I don’t. She shows them a video on her phone of the reaction. There’s a reaction. I don’t know what more to say, but Macy looks pleased and Mel comes up with a plan to give candy out at the lab and if someone has a bad reaction to it, it’s the Harbinger and they can bind it. Other things we find out in this scene: Macy likes to bake and Maggie owes money for a sorority retreat.

Liz: For a show about witches, there is way too much science babble. 

Lainey: Café. Maggie is at work trying to calm this annoying customer. A pretty boy tries to deescalate the situation by talking about Grey’s Anatomy and I’m guessing this is going to be a love interest for Maggie.  Annoyed Customer tries to get in Pretty Boy’s face but he is no match for a smooth-talking, leather jacket-wearing millennial. Annoyed Customer leaves, probably going to KFC on Pretty Boy’s recommendation.

Liz: Pretty Boy has an “oh, I’m secretly the bad guy” accent. Five bucks says Pretty Boy is the Harbinger or whatever. 

Mari: I mean, if he isn’t possessed yet, there’s always hope for the rest of the season.

Lainey: Maggie thanks Pretty Boy who says he’s always here for brunch (of course) and that he’s never seen her. They flirt.

      

Maggie leaves and uh-oh, Lucy and other sorority girls are drinking at a table. The drinks look good. They’re talking about how now that Coma Girl Angela Wu is awake maybe the college will let them have alcohol in the sorority houses again. One of the girls says her Halloween costume is a slutty baby and dear god, do I want to see what that is. (L: Slutty Baby was my senior prom theme.)Lucy spots Maggie and I’m not even going to hide the fact Lucy is my favorite character on the show. (Liz: Same!) (M: Really?) (L: Don’t hate, we don’t have much to choose from here.) Lucy says she fought really hard for Maggie to get a bid and she needs to convince the rest of the house how bad she wants in. Maggie is like “I can get us an off-campus location for the Halloween Party.” Lucy is v impressed and says Maggie would be a “Kappa legend” with an iconic snap. I love her.

Classroom. Mel is giving out the Demon Finder Cookies. Some hipster dude comes in mentioning Angela Wu is no longer Coma Girl and Mel freezes the room to take the dude’s phone. Don’t know why she can’t use her own phone, but I digress. Harry comes in saying she’s playing it too fast and loose with the magic but Mel is all “whatever.” They have another argument about magic and then Mel says Angela might be the Harbinger’s vessel. Fed up with her shit, Harry gives her a bracelet that notifies him when she uses her magic. Lol. Sucks to suck.

Liz: Mel is the worst. 

Mari: She’s just being the worst for no reason.

Lainey: Lab. Macy’s doing Science Stuff so I can’t promise a good recap here. Galvin walks over asking why she isn’t dressed up for Halloween. Macy obviously thinks she’s better than Halloween. Galvin and his two nerd buddies are dressed up as the DNA helix or something but they’re missing Cytosine (I googled this.) So Galvin writes a “C” on a piece of paper and tapes it to her chest and I shit you not says, “Macy Vaughn, you complete me.” (Liz: HAHAHA! I must have blocked this out.) Then he asks her out. Macy’s face is pretty much me.

Cut to street. Maggie is walking and talking to Macy on the phone where Macy says she rejected Galvin and Maggie thinks he’s in love with Macy. I definitely don’t think that, but whatever. Something more interesting is happening. Heavy Breather is back! And they’re following Macy in the courtyard. Macy gets on a bus and Heavy Breather is revealed! It’s Angela Wu! Mel runs up to her and asks to talk in private. Angela is down, all the while looking super ominous before we cut for commercials.

MMManor. Maggie is looking around at her sad Halloween decorations for the party. She wonders if there is a spell that would make the house look cooler? The Book of Shadows’ got her covered. Maggie snaps her fingers and one of her sad decorations turns into a bubbling cauldron and she gets really excited about that. Good for her. I’m glad she’s having a good time.

Liz: Maggie is my favorite sister. 

Lainey:  Yeah, this episode made her my favorite sister too.

Dorms. Mel and Angela are having a conversation about… things. Mel gives her cookies and Angela says she’s not hungry and looks super suspicious at Mel. Hope Mel doesn’t push the cookies again. Angela notices her arm is looking rough for some reason and covers it with her sleeve before Mel notices. Ah, but Mel pushes the cookies again. There’s no subtle way of offering cookies to someone after they’ve already said no. Angela is like ok, I’ll have one and full-mouths a cookie in one bite. (M: Suspicious.) Mel thinks Angela is in the all clear and leaves. With Mel gone, Angela retches up the cookie-fully intact, and goes to her mini fridge to grab a bottle of blood. MAGA Boy’s head sits in there too. It’s what he deserves.

Hallway. Mel runs into Niko. She’s investigating a missing student. Lol. Wonder who that could be? Niko thinks Mel is hiding something and Mel freezes her to confess everything. Harry comes in, signaled by the magic bracelet and he lectures her again. He leaves, but not before telling Mel she can never ever ever tell Niko she’s a witch. Jeez, we get it.

MMManor. Mel and Macy are outside the house and you know for sure the interior is going to be lit when they enter. They talk about how they eliminated all the suspects with the cookies and Macy wants to talk to Harry, who apparates in broad daylight to their side. Ok. Hope no one saw him. Macy gets a text from Galvin that he’s super stoked about the party tonight. They all know something is up and go inside where Maggie comes down the stairs all dressed up for Halloween with the house decorated for the party. Not quite sure what Maggie is supposed to be, but I’m going with a butterfly princess? Harry approves of the party because they hope everyone will eat cookies with the sugar in it so they can eliminate the entire Greek system. -sigh- Ok.

Liz: This is when I realized how much I was enjoying this episode. Maybe it was because Maggie is so happy.

Mari: She looks great in her butterfly princess costume. Everyone deserves to dress up as a butterfly princess.

Lainey: Purity Posse Party. (L: Purity Posse Party was my junior prom theme.)A girl dressed as a cowgirl is sad no one came to her party. But Angela Wu is there looking ROUGH af as Discount Samara from The Ring. She eats Virgin Cowgirl and licks the blood from her fingers, getting a text from Mel telling her to come to the MMManor. Angela is excited. I… am not.

MMManor. The Halloween Party is in full swing and Harry is going around force-feeding cookies to the guests. Lucy gives him a WTF look. How dare he make her eat carbs. Lucy congratulates Maggie on a hopping party. Harry then scolds Maggie for using magic for personal gain. He says something else about Snapchat, but I’m so over him at this point. Macy is dressed as the one and only RBG (M: Amazing) and Mel is a witch. Niko is a cat and is DTF. (Liz: Niko is always DTF.) Before anything good can happen, Niko is called away for Cop Stuff I think. Maggie doesn’t care about personal gain and is using magic to make Macy sexy by putting her in a Lara Croft costume. Maggie is sad Macy won’t open up to her so Macy tells her a story that she was always the smart and serious one in school. Maggie gives her a pep talk and magics Macy into a Greek Goddess.

Liz: Macy was such a cute dork in her RBG costume. 

Lainey: Down at the party, Niko tells Mel that she has to go. So many bodies are showing up on campus like Virgin Cowgirl and a nun. Galvin is in a tux and I hope he is Idris Elba’s James Bond—the Bond we deserve!!. He sees Macy walking down the stairs.

    

He calls her Persephone and Macy is impressed he could tell by a white toga and gold necklaces. I am too. BUT, Macy and I are on the same page because she also thinks Galvin is James Bond. He asks her out again and before she can answer, Mel pulls her away. The 3Ms and Harry have a team meeting in the middle of the party as they figure out that the Harbinger is hunting virgins. Harry literally says, “No virgin in Hilltowne is safe.” And I just can’t believe there’s still fifteen minutes left in this episode.

Liz: I loved the Idris Elba joke, but it also highlights one of my biggest critics of this show thus far. The jokes. It’s like the writers searched the internet for year old jokes to ViBeEe with Gen X. Snapchat. Meghan Markle. They’re all a bunch of cast off one liners from a Buzzfeed listicle. 

Mari: I took a break to ask Nicole what she thought of the writing/jokes, and I swear to God, I got an email about new Snapchat filters. 

Lainey: Macy suggests they cast a protection spell around the house to keep demons out and protect the virgins at the party. Harry doles out duties to the girls and they disperse. Mel runs into Angela and compliments her costume. If she only knew. Angela looks around gleefully. Clearly she’s excited to dine on all that sweet virgin blood.

Maggie is by herself looking for witchy ingredients and I feel like Pretty Boy is about to show up again. Sparks of magic explode around her head and she gets dizzy. That’s personal gain for you. She starts to faint, but she’s caught by a boy in aviators. It’s Pretty Boy. Shocker, I know. He’s dressed up as a Navy person? Pretty Boy says his name is Parker and they shake hands where she hears his thoughts. He thinks she’s beautiful. Ok. That was a little bit cute. Don’t let me down Parker. Maggie says she’ll catch up with him later. He looks happy and now I am too.

Liz: I feel like Pretty Boy’s thoughts were fake or just a bad actor. If he is the Harbinger or some kind of demon maybe he could mask his thoughts?!? He’s probably just a bad actor. 

Lainey: Meanwhile, Mel and Harry are outside and she “doesn’t need a man” to help her make a salt circle. Harry says he doesn’t enjoy policing her. I’m over here thinking Maggie is doing way more magic than Mel is, but he doesn’t seem to care. Mel is having a hard time keeping things from Niko because she’s never had to hide anything about herself. Harry is Moved.

    

Inside at the party, Angela zeros in on Macy and moves toward her, but Galvin gets there first saying he’s leaving. Macy is like “no” and Galvin says she’s been ignoring him the whole night. It’s been like, maybe ten minutes max since Macy had to leave Galvin to do Witch Stuff but ok, pop off. Galvin wants to know where they stand and honestly I do too. Is this relationship a bigger deal than I thought it was?

Liz: I am so confused by Macy and Galvin. 

Mari: She completes him; I thought we covered this.

Lainey: Outside, in full view of party guests, the 3Ms and Harry decide to cast a spell with candles, salt circles, the whole damn shebang. Purple magic starts to cloak the party but disappears. Something went wrong, but thank god Harry is there to explain everything. He says there’s already a demon in the house. They decide to lure it out. No one knows how to get virgin blood but Macy. She pricks her hand and smears blood on the tree while everyone is looking like, “Whaaaa, you’re a virgin?!11!”

Liz: Well that solves the age old bone question. Ain’t no bones in this garden!

Laine: Of course after the commercial break Maggie and Mel need to unpack the fact that Macy is a virgin. They talk about it for a couple minutes and I’ll spare you from that breakdown. They’re out in the woods too, luring the Harbinger to them. They got ONE CHANCE, Harry keeps reminding them. When Angela reveals herself they start the binding spell, but when it’s Maggie’s turn, her head goes poof with purple smoke and she faints or something. Macy runs. Harry lectures Maggie about using all those spells so Maggie reverses it and goes back into her regular clothes.

Macy is running in the woods in her regular clothes, too. Lol, wonder what happened at the party. Macy is able to use her magic though, so yay. The sisters find each other in the woods as Angela is ready to attack. Mel comes running up with Harry behind her and he warns her not to use the spell she tried earlier in the episode, but Mel uses it anyway and effectively becomes the most annoying sister to me. Magic goes boom and they all fall down. When Mel looks up, Angela looks maybe dead and Macy looks also dead. Five minutes left people.

Mel is yelling at Harry that Macy isn’t breathing. Harry heals her. All is good because the episode is almost over. Mel knows she done fucked up and apologizes. Harry is all “teachable moment” and then mentions that Mel is “just like her.” Mel thinks it’s her mom, but Harry pauses and my interest vaguely piques at this. Could Harry be more than the Exposition Wizard? Is there more character in him? Harry says she’s like another witch he looked after, Fiona, and that this witch trusted the wrong person with her secret and was institutionalized. Cautionary tale. Mel promises not to tell Niko and Harry takes that magic bracelet back.

Liz: Ugh. Another lesson? I am sick of these lessons.

Lainey: Outside the MMManor, Maggie is stressed about personal gain and a new wart. Macy goes up and kisses Galvin. Yay? Maggie talks with Lucy, who assures her the party was lit and she’ll be a Kappa one day. Ok, I didn’t even see this one coming, but Parker shows up. He’s Lucy’s boyfriend. Parker looks guilty af (as he SHOULD. Emotionally cheating on Lucy, I’m done with him. I was rooting for him.) (M: Reminds me of another terrible Parker.) Maggie looks shocked, but this won’t be the last we see of this new conflict being introduced.

The 3Ms go up to the attic where Harry is with Angela. He warns them that they must babysit the Harbinger until the Elders come for it. I guess this means we getting another episode dedicated to the Harbinger.

Liz: Like can we put Angela in a cage? Or in the prism? I feel like this is going to lead to some hijinks. 

Mari: In general, keeping a demon on a leash seems like a poor idea.

Lainey: My overall thoughts: Well. I watched it. Above all else, why is this show about magic and witches so boring?

Liz: Okay, guys. I think I’m coming around on this whole Charmed thing. Maybe I’m starting to get it? Or maybe I still have a sugar high from all the Halloween candy, but I GOT this episode. I thought it was hilarious (at times). The pacing was a lot better even though this still need to work on their second halves. I’m starting to see more of the sisters’ personalities, and I like what I see. This could all change next week, but I’m going to ride this high into the sunset!

Mari: I’m still liking it, too. I have a feeling this will be one of those shows that is better on commenting weeks and worse for the person recapping. It’s fun, but probably not the best for spending extra time with. I’m enjoying Charmed but with current! events!

 

Next time on Charmed: It’s the sisters again the Elders in S01 E04 – Exorcize Your Demons.