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Game of Thrones S08 E01 – Thirst Trap Gendry

Previously: A zombie dragon blasted the wall down.
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Democracy Diva: We made it. Welcome to the final season. Let’s fucking do this.

Marines: There is only one correct gif for this situation:

Catherine: Accurate as fuck. 

Diva: Credits, but make it fashion. Our years-long dedication to paying attention to the credits, even when they lied to us and disappointed us and gave us Flayed/On Fire Winterfell for what felt like all of eternity, has finally paid off. There’s a giant fucking hole in the Wall. Blue ice surrounds a new location on the map – Last Hearth. At Winterfell, we linger on the weirwood tree and enter the Crypts of Important Things Will Happen There and Also There’s Dead Starks There And I’m Not Saying We’re Gonna Get Zombie Starks But I’m Not Not Saying That Either. (M: I am HERE for Zombie Ned.) Then we fly to King’s Landing and crawl through the Red Keep’s vaults for a bit. I’m already screaming and we’re still in the map.

We open with a familiar scene of a little boy scampering around Winterfell, trying to get a view of the royal party coming up the Kingsroad. All of us should really rewatch the pilot after this episode. The connections will blow your mind.

Mari: Interestingly, I feel about as good about Dany marching into Winterfell as I did about Robert doing the same. It’s been a long road.

Diva: It sure as shit has. 

Thousands of Unsullied march in formation through the gates, and Dany and Jon are riding beside each other in contrasting fur coats.

Arya, in a crowd of Northerners, spots her brother for the first time since he gave her Needle and left for the Night’s Watch, and I’m screaming some more. Arya takes a breath like she’s about to call out to him, but the moment passes and he rides by without noticing her. She deflates like a popped balloon, and so does my heart. She spots her old travel buddy The Hound, and gives him the stink-eye; then she spots Thirst Trap Gendry, Bastard of Flea Bottom and Star of Snark Lady Fantasies. She looks at him like we do, but with less obvious salivating. (Definitely still some salivating, though.)

  

I ship it so fucking hard. 

Mari: I ship Gendry with me, but also yes fine this is great.

Catherine: I would make Gendry an excellent wife. I have many grain stores and was not permanently scarred from the pox that plagued me as a child. 

Diva: We always knew you were a catch, Catherine. 

Tyrion and Varys are in the royal procession, making boring eunuch jokes in the comfort of their wagon. It’s extremely on brand for the first words spoken aloud during the final season of this show to be a joke about balls. Next we see Grey Worm and Missandei riding together, very cognizant of the sea of white Northern faces glaring at them with mistrust and suspicion.

Mari: I died at the look they exchange because I swear to god it captures all of my experience being the only brown one in the room in a single expression. 

Diva: I believe it. That felt real. 

Dany notices the chilly reception she’s receiving, which Jon warned her about. The older faces in the crowd seem particularly hostile. You know, the ones who can actually remember when Dany’s dad tortured and brutally murdered their lord and his heir (Ned’s father and brother). And when Dany’s brother, as far as they know, kidnapped and raped Ned’s sister. Can’t imagine why they wouldn’t be thrilled to see another Targaryen in their midst, especially one with two nuclear weapons close at hand. (M: Shit.)

Speak of the devil, the dragons make their dramatic entrance like the drag(on) queens they are, and Dany smirks at all the Northerners being afraid of giant fire-breathing children-eating monsters the size of city blocks. Dany. This is why nobody likes you. (M: I honestly don’t know why she’s being the worst right now.) But at least we watch Arya get her first glimpse of a dragon, and the magic in her eyes warms my cold dead heart. Sansa’s reaction is steelier, but still impressed. (C: Hard not to be.) 

Another familiar courtyard scene, as the Starks line up to receive the arrival of the royal family. Here, have a tumblr flashback:

Mari: No, I don’t want it. It hurts.

Catherine: That was just fucking rude. 

Diva: If I have to be miserable while searching for gifs, so do you! That’s the rule.

Jon hurries to embrace Bran, and has the same awkward “oh, uh, I guess you don’t emote anymore?” reunion with him that everyone else had with Bran last season. Jon gives Sansa a big hug, and asks where Arya is. “Lurking somewhere,” she snarks.

Dany walks over, and Jon introduces his aunt/girlfriend to his sister/cousin. (M: #targaryenproblems #onlyfactsbutlolz) Dany gives her a fake as hell line about how beautiful Sansa and the North are, but I’m not sure if the audience is supposed to think Dany’s saying this through gritted teeth, or if Emilia Clarke’s non-acting has struck again. Sansa is cold as a winter blizzard in response, and I’m here for it. I know we’re all still mad that the male showrunners couldn’t come up with a better Season 7 story than “Arya and Sansa don’t like each other because WOMEN AMIRIGHT,” but unlike that disaster, Sansa being wary of Dany makes 10,000% sense. Did I mention Dany’s two nuclear weapons?

Mari: Sansa just got back to Winterfell and when she sent her brother away, the North was firmly in the hand of her family. Also, apart from that, Sansa as a person has every reason in the world to not trust strangers fighting for the throne. She hasn’t the best track record with those. This is exactly the reaction Sansa would have. Also, Sansa is right and Dany is wrong. Thank you.

Catherine: I hadn’t even considered that comparison for some reason but yeah, it makes all the sense for Sansa to be wary of Dany. As long as the writers don’t include a jello pit for them to fight in this could go okay. 

Diva: Amen. 

Bran interrupts because he just read on Twitter that the Wall has fallen and also Dany’s dead dragon is now a WHITE WALKER DRAGON. Nobody has any kind of reaction to the concept of a WHITE WALKER DRAGON. I’m still mad about this, several days later.

Inside, Sansa holds court, expositing that she’s called all the banners back to Winterfell to defend against against the White Walkers. She calls on Lord Umber – a cute lil’ boy lord who makes me smile until I realize I’m pretty sure that Tormund tore Baby!Umber’s dad’s throat out with his teeth at the Battle of the Bastards. (C: Everyone’s dad has been killed by someone at this point. He ain’t special.) Lil’ Ned Umber explains to Sansa that they need more horses and wagons. Then he remembers the other leaders in the room, and adds a “my lord” for Jon and a “my queen” for Dany. Sansa tells him they’ll give him what they can, and to hurry back to Last Hearth and bring his people back to Winterfell. I bet this ends really well for everybody. I bet Last Hearth was in the credits for totally normal, happy reasons. 

Catherine: Between this scene with little Lord Umber and little Lady Karstark showing up later, they seem to really be reinforcing that this is a war being fought by, like, babies. I’m including the Starks and Jon and Dany and Gendry and everyone. I love Team Good Guy but I feel like none of them can get into an R rated movie without their parents and their parents are all dead. 

Diva: Yup x infinity. 

Next to Sansa at the Important People Table are Jon, Bran, Dany, and Tyrion. Jon says they need to write to the Watch, someone calls him “your Grace,” and Lyanna Mormont is absolutely not having any more of this bullshit. Because she is a BEARBOSS, and what BEARBOSSES do is call out Jon Snow on his nonsense. She reads him for filth, asking if he’s a king or a lord or nothing at all. He thinks it doesn’t matter, but it matters to Lyanna, because it was the people of the north who named Jon their king. Jon, in true Jon fashion, is very bad at convincing people that his ideas are good, because he simply does whatever he wants, and then yells “BUT THE ARMY OF THE DEAD!” at anyone who is impacted by those actions. Jon says he chose protecting the North over keeping his crown, which is actually true and good, but he’s still not winning this crowd over. Tyrion jumps in to add that Jon is about to save all their asses, plus they’ve brought the best army in the universe, and also two nuclear weapons. And – soon the Lannisters are coming to help us! (Well, Tyrion was almost helpful for a minute there.)

This is greeted with anger because northerners are far less stupid than Tyrion Lannister. Sansa pointedly asks how they’re supposed to feed this army, and wonders what dragons eat. “Whatever they want,” is Dany’s flippant reply. Hey, remember that time Drogon ate a little girl? You know, the catastrophic event that broke Dany’s heart and made her realize her children are monsters and caused her to chain her dragons in darkness and lose them as a military advantage rather than risk the life of another innocent child? Cool cool cool me neither.

Mari: WHY IS SHE LIKE THIS?

Catherine: I seem to remember she was acting kinda shitty at the beginning of last season, too. Maybe the writers just forget how to make her act not shitty between seasons? 

Diva: Back in the courtyard, everyone is schlepping around dragonglass weapons, so at least someone at Winterfell is making smart decisions. Gendry is there, doing the smith thing, but unfortunately it’s too cold for a gif of his gleaming shirtless body. Here, have a tumblr memory: 

You’re welcome.

Mari: Okay, the worst things about winter are definitely 1. the approaching army of the dead and 2. Gendry can’t be shirtless anymore.

Catherine: If we don’t get at least one (1) shirtless Gendry scene this season I’m calling it a failure even if everyone I love collectively ends up on the iron throne together. 

Dvia: Any-shirtless-tangent, Tyrion spies Sansa talking to Lord Royce and decides it’s his turn for a reunion scene. Royce waits for a nod from Sansa before giving Tyrion the stink-eye and departing. Sansa and her first husband exchange awkward pleasantries about each other’s titles. He mentions that they haven’t seen each other since Joff’s wedding, which was overall quite horrible. “It had its moments,” Sansa deadpans. WE STAN A BRUTAL LEGEND. (C: I lol’ed) 

Sansa apologizes for ditching him that night, which I think is mighty big of her, since she was, you know, a prisoner child bride dealing with the constant threat of assault from the king who murdered her father. (M: Take that apology back, ma’am.) Tyrion actually manages to be MAD at his LITERAL CHILD BRIDE for skipping town after Joffrey’s murder. Tyrion, I know it didn’t make your trial any easier that Sansa was missing, but bitch, Cersei was going to try to murder you for Joff’s death no matter what. Chill out and stop victim-blaming.

He tells Sansa that basically everyone who ever underestimated her is dead now, and she’s like, yes, that is a true factual statement because I’m amazing. Tyrion tells Sansa it’s okay that she’s afraid of Cersei’s troops marching north to fight “with” them, and Sansa reads him for filth for actually believing that Cersei’s telling the truth. She asks Tyrion why he was the smartest person in Westeros for the first five seasons of this show and then turned dumb as shit and stopped being interesting or useful in any way. 

Mari: Sansa just needs to give similar speeches to the entirety of Team Dany. 

Diva: “Sense: You Don’t Make Any” – a Ted Talk by Sansa Stark.

Weirwood Tree. Jon broods broodily, until he hears a voice say, “you used to be taller,” and spins around and sees ARYA. She asks how he survived a knife to the heart; he’s like “lol i was dead but we don’t talk about it even though it seems kinda important, like even buffy came back wrong, this should probably be something we address but honestly who’s got the time.” Arya breaks into a smile and runs and jumps into his arms and it’s everything my heart and soul ever wanted. He notices that she still has Needle, the sword he gave her.

  
  

Mari: I guess “once or twice” is easier than saying, “I’m a murderess who wears the faces of the dead with a kill list I whisper into the night like a prayer” or something. 

Diva: Definitely easier than “well, I needed more of a butcher knife to cook those Freys into pies, but Needle generally does the job well.”

Jon shows off Longclaw, and says he could’ve used Arya’s help with the whole “Sansa mistrusts Dany for very valid and good reasons” thing. He notes that Sansa thinks she’s smarter than everyone, and Arya says that Sansa’s the smartest person she’s ever met. Jon literally laughs at this, which, like, fuck you dude, but our girl continues to defend her sister, and their family. Jon insists he’s their family too, and Arya smiles and hugs him again. “Don’t forget that,” she warns, because I guess everyone except Jon now knows that he’s fucking his aunt? Whatever. I’m just here for Stark Sister Solidarity.

Mari: I mean, more than that, maybe the “don’t forget we’re family” thing is like “maybe don’t laugh when I call our sister smart ya undead dick.”

Catherine: I adored this scene up until Jon had to take the opportunity to get in a dig about Sansa. I guess being shitty at the beginning of the season is sexually transmitted. But snaps for Arya for defending Sansa. Their relationship has really glowed up. 

Diva: Sexually Transmitted Shittiness is the second-biggest threat to the realm.

Kings Landing. Qyburn tells Cersei the dead have broken through the wall. She’s quite okay with that development. Also, Euron Greyjoy is on a boat with some Disney Prince looking motherfucker, as if any of us have the energy for the introduction of a new character. Yara is also on that boat, but tied up in a dark room as Euron’s prisoner. Euron tells Yara that he hasn’t killed her because he cut out the tongues of his entire crew and has nobody else to talk to. (I guess Disney Prince isn’t a great conversationalist.) Yara realizes they’re in King’s Landing, and tells Euron he picked the wrong team. He says, NBD, I’ll just sail somewhere else. But I still wanna have sex with Cersei. 

Catherine: Hey, wait. Yara was in King’s Landing with him after he captured her. Did Clearance Pacey transport her somewhere else and then back again? Why? Why not just kill her? 

Diva: It makes no sense, and I can’t possibly explain the motivations of Fire Sale Pacey.

Throne Room. Disney Prince – technically Harry Strickland, Captain of the Golden Company, but I will not be calling him that – tells Cersei he brought 20,000 men, give or take a few who were murdered along the way. She asks about the elephants she was promised, and is very unhappy to hear that it’s  not actually easy to get a bunch of elephants on a boat across the Narrow Sea. But she still welcomes Disney Prince to the city because of his very, very sharp jawline and overall cartoonish handsomeness. 

When Disney Prince leaves, Euron asks Cersei if he can have sex with her. She reminds him that their agreement was to get married after the war. She’s a queen, and he has to earn her. Euron says, I did give you a fuckton of ships and also Disney Prince’s 20,000 men. Cersei threatens to have him killed, walks off, and then is like, well ok fine but only because I really need to get some and my only other sex options right now are Qyburn or the FrankenMountain, and I fully refuse to fuck Disney Prince because he didn’t bring me my damn elephants.

Marines: The heretofore unknown aphrodisiac.

Catherine: I saw someone saying they can’t stan Cersei anymore now that she fucked a guy with mutton chops and yeah, that’s fair. We all have to have our moral ceiling. 

Diva: I mean, she fucked her actual brother first, so I have some follow-up questions about that moral ceiling.

Cut to a Season 1-style sex scene, because we weren’t going to get all those reunion moments without some old-school sexposition. Bronn is surrounded by nude sex workers describing all the young men they know who were torched alive by dragons, including Archie, and tall handsome William. Eddie the Ginger got half his face burned off and has no eyelids now. This is great for two reasons: one, because it allows me to reference the greatest character in television history, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend‘s Grocery Store Clerk With Half An Eyelid:

And two, because some internet sleuths figured out that Archie and tall handsome William and Eddie the Ginger are actually ED SHEERAN AND THE LANNISTER BROS THAT ARYA MET IN THE WOODS THAT ONE TIME. And as mad as I still am about Ed Sheeran’s cameo, finding out that he lost his eyelids to Dany’s dragons is kind of hilarious, in a horrific and brutal kinda way.

Bronn’s sex scene is interrupted by Qyburn, who says the Queen sent him, so Bronn has to finish his orgasm later. Qyburn explains that Cersei’s got a shit-ton of gold waiting for Bronn right outside, if he wouldn’t mind murdering Tyrion and Jaime for her with the crossbow Tyrion used to kill Tywin. Qyburn says Cersei will probably be pretty damn nice to the dude who murders her brothers. Weird, because during the S7 finale, both Tyrion and Jaime separately had scenes where they were alone with Cersei, and she was furious with them, and they both said, just have the Mountain murder me already, and Cersei thought about it, and decided not to kill either of them when they were under her control and alone in her chambers. But now, suddenly, it’s super important that Bronn kill them! Sure, show. 

Mari: Wow, hate when you have that last minute change of heart about murdering your brothers.

Diva: Cersei’s chambers, post-coitus. “I wanted those elephants,” Cersei mutters to herself. Cersei’s love of elephants is the only part of this plotline I care about. Euron wants to know how his dick compares to King Robert and Jaime; Cersei shoots daggers out of her eyes, but says that Euron is both not boring and arrogant, which she’s into. She dismisses him, and he says he’s gonna put a prince her in belly, which is weird and yucky. Cersei ruminates on that for a bit, since she’s already pregnant with Jaime’s child. (C: She’s gonna get double pregnant. That’s a thing.) 

Dark Place that I assume is a boat because I hear splashing, but truly, I can’t see shit. An arrow goes through a dude’s eye. (Fun fact: that dude is Mac from It’s Always Sunny. Really!) It’s eerily quiet on this boat full of mutes, so the invaders just keep creeping in and murdering everyone with bows and arrows. Finally they make it to Yara’s room, and we see Theon, rescuing his big sister without a word. He unties her, she headbutts him to the ground, then helps him back up, because Yara Greyjoy is extremely cool. (M: And Theon Greyjoy deserved it!)

Different Boat. Yara says they can take back the Iron Islands now that Euron’s in Cersei King’s Landing. Theon reminds her that Dany went North, but Yara points out that Dany’s going to need an island that the White Walkers can’t get to as a retreat. Theon looks disappointed but says he’ll go where Yara commands. She knows Theon wants to go to Winterfell and fight for the Starks – his trembling little nod breaks my heart – and tells him to go. She gives him a hug, they say their Ironborn words, I have feelings, you know the drill. 

Mari: “What is dead may never die” takes on a whole new meaning when you are catching a ride toward a zombie war! 

Diva: Winterfell. Tyrion, Varys, and Davos notice that the Karstarks brought their soldiers to Winterfell, despite them being all murdery with the Starks not long ago. Davos tells Tyrion that the northmen are loyal to Jon, not Dany. They don’t know her, and their loyalty needs to be earned. So Davos pitches that, if they actually survive the Night King, Dany and Jon get married and unite the seven kingdoms. Varys says Davos is overestimating their influence on the young, beautiful people, who don’t want to listen to old men. Tyrion is very offended to be included in the “old” category, and insists that Dany respects their wisdom. Varys is like, lol no, we remind them that they’re gonna get old and die, so they hate us. 

Mari: I mean Jon already died so I don’t really know what they are on about. 

Diva: Jon and Dany walk-and-talk. She’s miffed that Sansa doesn’t like her. Jon’s all, she didn’t like me either tbh. Dany says they don’t have to be friends, but she is Sansa’s queen. “If she can’t respect me…” Dany is very lucky she gets interrupted from finishing that sentence, because I would have jumped into my computer screen and murdered her myself if she dared to threaten Sansa. A few Dothraki ride up and tell Dany that the dragons aren’t eating enough, so she and Jon go on a petting zoo trip to check on them. And at THIS petting zoo, they let you ride the dragons!

We get a weirdly comedic bit where Dany encourages Jon to get on board, and he looks like a dumbass and barely hangs on as Rhaegal takes off into the air, and Dany follows on Drogon. We get a solid few minutes of stunning shots of dragons soaring over Winterfell, and extreme close-ups that make it very clear to everyone standing around Winterfell that Jon is riding a motherfucking dragon. It’s also definitely an ad for the Game of Thrones theme park, but I don’t hate it.

They park their dragons near the waterpark portion of the theme park, and consider having sex forever in a beautiful waterfall, but decide that’s kind of impractical what with the imminent zombie apocalypse. Jon and Dany kiss, but you know, nobody likes an audience.

  

This show is ridiculous. How is this even happening?!

Mari: It’s everything I didn’t want to see after a two year wait? Like, I’m Bran right now. WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THE DRAGONS TO BE JUDGEY ABOUT JON KISSING HIS AUNT. 

Catherine: I have rewatched this scene SO many times just to work out what it’s supposed to mean. Is it supposed to be funny or serious? Is the dragon happy about Dany/Jon or trying to threaten Jon or getting off on watching two people do it I’M??? LIKE I DON’T GET IT???

Diva: If it’s not supposed to be funny, it failed miserably. I laughed my ass off.

Gendry at the Forge, where everything’s burning, including my loins. (M: A+) (C: I can’t concentrate on this scene because the blood won’t stay in my head.) He hands the Hound a giant battleaxe made of dragonglass, which is very dope. The Hound starts making fun of Gendry, until Arya arrives to take Gendry’s side. AHHHHHHH DOUBLE REUNION MOMENT! TAKE TWO SHOTS! The Hound reminds Arya that she left him to die; she responds that she robbed him first. They glare at each other, he congratulates her on being a cold-hearted bitch (seriously, it is a compliment when The Hound tells you that), and leaves her to have some Snark Lady Fan Service time with Gendry. (C: They wrote this for us especially.) 

Arya compliments the axe he made, a little formally and stiffly, and Gendry tells her in a similar tone that she looks good. She responds in kind. (I squeal.) He teasingly calls her Lady Stark, like in the old days, and he’s grinning so much and it’s so very cute. And she grins back, and even giggles, and I swear she blushes. Then she hands him a drawing of a weapon she wants him to make for her, with some kind of detachable dragonglass arrowhead or something? He says she already has a sword – and now a Valyrian steel dagger. He makes fun of her for being just another rich girl. “You don’t know any other rich girls,” Arya sasses, and Hall and Oates plays in the background as she struts out of the room. She does a little spin at the end and everything. HOW DID SOMETHING THIS ADORABLE JUST OCCUR ON MY SCREEN. Did I dream this scene into existence??

Mari: Wow, I take everything I said about not having time for flirting back? Turns out, I don’t have time for a prolonged Dany/Jon scene. That was the thing.

Catherine: I want to rip a fucking phonebook in half. THEY ARE SO CUTE. This reunion was perfect I can’t believe the writers read all those letters we sent in. It must have been the scented paper. 

Diva: All these years of thirst and rowboat jokes have finally paid off! 

Sansa’s chambers. Jon enters and she delivers the news that the Glovers are not going to be sending their troops to Winterfell. She’s pissed that Jon abandoned the crown, and brought a Targaryen queen home with him. He gets a little shouty explaining that they need Dany to help them defeat the ice zombies. He promises Sansa that Dany will be a good queen, that she’s not her father. Sansa finally asks Jon if he bent the knee to save the north, or because he loves Dany. We don’t get Jon’s response, just a scene change, which feels a little cheap to me.

Winterfell library. Dany and Jorah give Sam a surprise visit. Dany heard that Sam saved Ser Jorah by flaying off all his greyscale, and wanted to come thank him. Sam is adorably flustered and insists it’s an honor to serve her, but she insists on giving him a gift, and asks what he wants. He says he could actually use a royal pardon – for stealing books from the Citadel. Jorah and Dany both start laughing at the pure, pure innocence of this request, and it’s briefly very sweet. He also mentions that he stole the ancestral House Tarly sword from his father, and suddenly nothing is sweet anymore. “Not… Randyll Tarly,” Dany asks, remembering the man she burned alive. Sam’s like oh yeah that’s my super evil dad, do you know him? And the look Jorah gives Sam shatters my heart. 

In a frozen sort of voice, Dany explains that she offered to spare Randyll Tarly if he bent the knee. But he didn’t. Sam’s eyes fill with tears, and trying to shake off his crying, he says at least he’ll be welcome at home again now that his brother Dickon is the lord. Dany explains, no actually I burned him alive too. Sam starts fully weeping, and so do I. And he thanks her. He fucking thanks her for telling him, and asks to go cry somewhere more private. My poor, sweet, tender-hearted Sam. Ugh. 

There was no softness in Dany’s tone, when she told Sam what she’d done. There was no apology. There was no explanation. She just looked into Sam’s eyes and told him that she executed his baby brother. Once again: is it #MadQueenDany, or is it #BadEmiliaClarkeActing? 

Mari: When this scene started, I hadn’t thought at all about this connection. It’s clear this is not the direction Dany wanted this to go, but she’s doing such a bad job winning people over? Why is this happening? 

Catherine: Everyone who killed everyone else’s dad needs to start apologizing immediately. We need a big therapy sesh in our jammies where we air all this shit out over ice cream. Then we can move on with the season and everyone can work together. This is an amazing idea, no one @ me. 

Diva: Sounds like a plan. I’ll bring the cookie dough.

Sobbing, Sam runs to the courtyard where Bran is stationed, staring at everyone who happens by. He tells Sam he’s waiting for an old friend. And that it’s time to tell Jon the truth. Sam tells Bran that Bran should do it, and Bran’s like, no I’m not a real human anymore so that’s not a great idea.

Mari: “Someone who can emote should do this.”

Diva: Winterfell Crypts, Where The Dead Starks Chill Out. Jon is brooding by Ned’s statue, and hears Sam stumble in. They have a reunion – I didn’t even remember that these two hadn’t seen each other yet, honestly – but Sam’s still crying from his conversation with Dany. He explains that Dany took her father and brother prisoner and executed them. Jon says he’s so sorry, and that they need to end this war. That’s kind of a non-answer, Jon. Sam wants to know if Jon would have done that – murdered prisoners. Jon says he’s executed men before, and Sam says, yeah and you’ve also pardoned them, like the thousands of Wildlings who attacked the wall. Jon explains that was different because he wasn’t the king. Actually, Sam tells him, you are, and have always been, the king. Not of the north – of the Seven Kingdoms. 

Sam spells out what the maester’s journal and Bran’s hacking into the 23 and Me website taught them: Lyanna Stark was Jon’s mother. And Jon’s father was Rhaegar Targaryen, who secretly married Lyanna, making Jon the heir to the Iron Throne. To his credit, though Kit Harington is not great at the face-acting, his hoarse, broken voice after this reveal is truly heartbreaking. He whisper-asks Sam if he’s saying that Ned Stark lied to Jon for his entire life – Ned, the most honorable man of all time? Sam says, he promised your mother he would protect you, and he did that. He also notes that Jon gave up his crown to save his people – and wonders if Dany would do the same. 

Catherine: Okay, but also, you’re fucking your aunt and maybe you want to react to that? I just feel like I would want to prioritize my reactions with that at the head of the list. 

Diva: Unknown Castle That Will Soon Be Revealed To Be Last Hearth, Seat Of House Umber And New Opening Credits Location. Our beloved Ginger NotMance Tormund is creeping around with Beric Dondarrion, and maybe some other dudes but it’s honestly too dark for me to tell. (C: Pretty sure they’re all just nameless Jeffs anyway.) (D: Aw, pour one out for the Jeffs.) They head inside, where it’s even darker, and after a lot of skulking, they realize they’ve got company. And it’s… Probably Definitely Edd! He screams at the other Night’s Watchmen to beware – Tormund has blue eyes. Tormund yells that he’s always had blue eyes. Tormund and Edd have a cute lil almost-hug. Together, they continue searching the castle, and thanks to Beric’s burning sword we can almost see things!

They find Ned Umber – the little boy lord – dead, nailed to a wall, with bloody, wounded limbs spiraling out around his body like really tragic spin art. Beric tells us it’s a message from the Night King, which, like, duh. They talk about how to retreat to Winterfell and beat the army of the dead there. I watch Ned Umber’s eyes in the background, blue and open, and I know he’s about to awaken, but I still scream my fucking face off when he does. Beric stabs him with the flaming sword, and sets the undead boy and the spiral of limbs behind him on fire. 

Mari: It takes him like 20 seconds to die and that was was 19.5 seconds past what my nerves could stand.

Diva: Same.

Winterfell. A black-cloaked man rides into the castle yard. He pulls back his hood, and it’s Winter!Jaime, now featuring dark hair and a salt-and-pepper beard!  He looks around, and, well, I don’t have to tell you what happens next. Pretty sure you couldn’t escape the memes this week if you tried. But just in case you fell off the face of the earth before Sunday at 10:58 pm eastern time, Jaime sees Bran, the little boy he pushed out a tower window in the pilot.

  
  

Catherine: Jaime genuinely no joke looks like he straight up forgot he did that. Like he’s thinking “oh fuck, I pushed that kid out a window to hide my incest which everyone found out about anyway. Shit.” Can’t wait to find out if he forgot about how he killed Dany’s father next week, too! 

Diva: Credits roll.

Well, we survived the final season premiere, and so did all of our buddies! (Except Ned Umber. Sorry, hon.) We got fan service reunions that made my heart squeal, we got tense and believable friction between the North and the dragon queen, we got Sam Tarly making me weep buckets – seriously, give John Bradley West an Emmy for being the emotional core of this episode – and we got Lyanna Mormont putting grown-ass men in their place, as is her brand. I cared zero percent about Cersei’s storyline, and I’m still frustrated that Tyrion is dumb now, but this was still a damn strong table-setting episode.

My episode 2 theory: Bran forgives Jaime because he lacks emotions; Brienne explains that Jaime saved a million lives by killing the Mad King; Dany wants to execute him, but the Starks judge him not guilty; Dany kills Jaime anyway, and her allies turn against her. #MADQUEENDANY2K19

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And, as always, #gameofsnark Tweets! You can join us each week for a live-Tweet, or you can add your thoughts whenever you watch with the hashtag. We’ll choose our favorites to include in our recap post each week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Next time on Game of Thrones: The Trial of Jaime Lannister in S08 E02.

 

DemocracyDiva (all posts)

I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.





Catherine (all posts)

I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.





Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Written by

DemocracyDiva

I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.