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#snarkathon – Beastly

Marines: Hello friends! As a quick intro for those of you who are newer to this parts, Snark Squad semi-regularly organizes a movie watching party we like to call a #snarkathon. Basically, we pick a… less than stellar movie, watch it together with our Internet friends and live-tweet the experience.

Back in February, we decided we wanted to do a romcom as a companion to our podcast episode. We put a bunch of options up on a Patreon poll, and the people spoke in the form of the 2011 American classic, Beastly.

Alex Pettyfer plays Kyle Kingson, a vain and arrogant popular kid but we’re supposed to feel kind of bad because he has daddy issues. See, his father is also vain and arrogant. Rough. Kyle is running for student-body president on a platform of Rich White Guy and also I’m Prettier Than You.

In his spare time, he bullies the actual best character in the entire movie: Mary-Kate Olsen, but make it witch.

Vanessa Hudgens plays Lindy, a quiet girl who is also involved with student body politics and also has daddy issues. She stares longingly at Kyle and gives him the benefit of the doubt a lot, even though there is no reason why she should.

After Kyle wins the election, he invites Mary-Kate Witch to a school dance. He has a touching moment with Lindy when they pose for a picture together, but then it’s back to mean things for Kyle. Mary-Kate Witch shows up, looking amazing as always, and Kyle embarrasses her in front of everyone, saying he would never actually take her to a dance. Mary-Kate sighs, because she was hoping there was more to Kyle than “douche” but alas. Mary-Kate Witch curses Kyle because he’s the #worst, and he ends up bald, heavily tattooed and with, like, open wounds on his face.

Also, yes, his eyebrows do say “embrace the suck.”

Kyle’s dad is so mortified by his ugly face that he isolates him in a house with a maid and a tutor and never goes to visit. The maid is the only black character in this movie, FYI. The tutor is played by Neil Patrick Harris, and he’s blind and wise.

Kyle tries to get out of the curse, but he can’t until he learns to ~love~ and someone loves him back. He tries to think back to any good people he might know, I guess, and becomes infatuated with Lindy. He stalks her about town because the first step to learning love is stalking.

One night, he sees as Lindy’s dad gets into an altercation with a drug dealer. Lindy tries to intervene and in the shuffle, her dad shoots the drug dealer dead. Kyle is on hand to take advantage of the situation and basically blackmail-kidnap Lindy, “for her own good” and for “protection.” Lindy’s dad agrees to definitely ship his daughter to the house of the hooded man with the “embrace the suck” eyebrows he just met in an alley.

Lindy has no say in this.

Lindy gets delivered to her kidnapping and Kyle is v confused about why she’s not happy about it and what to do to win her over or to get that Stockholm’s to kick in. They finally start to bond over poetry and tutoring lessons and rooftop greenhouse. He writes a love letter to Lindy but never gives it to her. His magical tattoo is amazing and marks the changing of the seasons. It’s not great for Kyle but I mean, just look at this:

Beautiful.

Kyle asks Mary-Kate Witch for more time to make Lindy fall in love, but she refuses. She does agree to restore his tutor’s vision and grant green cards to his maid’s children if Lindy does eventually fall in love. No pressure, Lindy! I’m sure it’ll be great for you, too! 

Lindy’s dad is hospitalized and Kyle allows her to visit. He gives her his love letter, but regrets it when she calls him a good friend. After Lindy reads the letter, she tries to call Kyle, but he’s in too much manpain about being a “friend” so he doesn’t answer.

After some time, the tutor and the maid convince Kyle to go see Lindy one more time before she goes on a big school trip. They have a whole feelings moment, and Kyle tells Lindy to go on ahead on her trip.

Before she leaves, she confesses her love, and the spell is broken.

Kyle leaves, looking like himself. Lindy follows after him but doesn’t recognize him as himself at first. When Lindy realizes that she did fall in love with a conventionally attractive man after all, they kiss passionately in the street.

The final scene is Mary-Kate Witch paying a visit to Kyle’s dad, posting as an intern. Her shoes are characteristically fantastic.

 

And of course, some A+ tweets from our #snarkathon friends:

 

Thanks to everyone who joined us! Apologies for the delay posting this, but maybe now that work travel is over I’ll get to cross even more things off the good ole Snark Squad to-do list? Fingers crossed. 

If you’ve got any ideas for future movies you think we should #snarkathon, let us know in the comments! And thanks to our Patrons, as always, for all their help and support.

 

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





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Marines

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.