Previously: Matthew’s mom is MAD.
—
Episode 5
Marines: Matthew is still driving away from Diana and her witch tears while his voice over/introduction plays.
Thais:
Rebecca: She needs to get in some water after standing around in the water for so long.
Mari: She comes out of the water only to find that Marthe and Ysabeau are waiting for her nearby. Marthe approaches with a towel and explains that her sadness brought on witch water, a power rarely seen these days. Diana is not impressed ’cause it’s just another super awesome power she has that she can’t control. (T: Oh, boo-hoo, Diana, it must suck to be the most fabulous witch alive.) Marthe tells her to give it time. Diana suggests going to her aunts for help, but apparently she’s being held captive now because Ysabeau says she’s not going anywhere. Well, I mean she’s not going anywhere she wants to go. She is going hunting with Ysabeau.
Matthew meets with Marcus and Miriam who say the lab is secured. The witches tried to hack into their servers, but couldn’t, because vampires have the best servers. (T: You have to be invited into vampire servers.) (M: Dead.) Matthew says he has to see the lab for himself.
We cut there. Matthew thinks this was all Knox’s doing. Miriam says it’s all Matthew’s fault, though. They’ve run their secret vampire lab for years without anyone noticing, and suddenly Matthew kisses a witch one time (“mates with her”) and things go crazy. Matthew tells her that’s enough, but she won’t let him deny it. She’s the only one who has mated before and knows the signs. (R: Ew?) Marcus pipes up to say that Domenico knows about all Matthew’s witch-mating. Matthew thinks Domenico can go to hell and then gets to work stalking through the lab, looking like he might murder a test tube. (T: Marcus asks if this is about Diana, like he doesn’t already know the answer.) He gets a big whiff of something and recognizes the scent. He stalks back out, even when Miriam tells him not to go “there.” He goes anyway. Miriam tells Marcus to call Baldwin so they can tattle
Rebecca: He sniffed that room like it was a sweater!
Mari: Sexy.
Matthew stomps through the campus.
Marcus calls Baldwin and tells him about Matthew and Diana mating, the break in at the lab, etc. Baldwin says he can’t help Matthew this time. If he breaks the rules, he pays the price.
Rebecca: They’re not mating though right? Like. Did I miss something? I know I don’t 100% pay attention to the show, but I feel like I’d remember them MATING.
Thais: That’s what that weird tango scene was, Rebecca. They’re vampire-married now, I think.
Mari: It reminds me of the episode of Full House where DJ walked around a table with that one kid and ended up married.
Ysabeau and Diana get ready to hunt while Matthew keeps looking at every building like he is going to strangle it. Ysabeau says that vampires hunting isn’t romantic. (R: Yes, I remember Matthew chasing the moose like it was yesterday.) Also, Diana came hunting with her but can’t get near her, or else Ysabeau might murder her, or whatever. (T: But she’s supposed to be super safe with Ysabeau!) Diana turns to tie up her horse, and when she looks back, Ysabeau is gone.
Matthew finds Gillian, and I’m actually really excited that this is who he was stalking because the only person I like less than Matthew is Gillian. It’s like a fight to the death between my two least favorite characters, and probably Gillian is going to get mauled.
Thais: I don’t know, Matthew’s fighting style seems to involve insulting her academic credentials.
Mari: It’s just a little sick burn before the maul.
We cut back and forth between Ysabeau hunting a fox and Gillian insulting Matthew back right before he bites her. The zoomy camerawork and CGI are awful so none of this is particularly scary or impressive, but they tried.
Rebecca: This was almost cool. The parallel of the two vampires hunting a fox and a woman.But the camera was flying around so damn much it felt more like I was watching a film student’s “horror movie” project after a night of binge drinking.
Mari: As Matthew drinks Gillian’s blood, he sees her memories of going through the lab and taking pictures of all their samples, even though she can’t get into any of it. And then he drinks her to death. Bye Gillian! Matthew grabs her phone and just leaves her body in the street, which doesn’t seem very stealth of him, but okay.
Thais: The streets of Oxford are just riddled with vampire victims. Totes not suspicious.
Mari: Diana watches as Ysabeau chomps on fox entrails. It’s actually rather prim and proper, tbh. I’ve gone in more savagely on a rack of ribs. But Ysabeau is like “This is it. We are monsters, could you be with my son knowing he eats dead animals.” Yeah, Diana only dates vegans for sure.
Diana says that this isn’t working as a scare tactic, and can they go home now? Girl, you need to get your ass out of vampire castle is what you need to do.
We see a hand reach up and ring a doorbell urgently. Damn it, I thought Gillian was dead. This TV show only disappoints me. That other witch, Sylvia, opens the door to find a super weak but not dead Gillian.
Rebecca: It would definitely be more interesting if he killed her, especially with Diana just brushing off Ysabeau after she pointed out Matthew’s violence. And also then we wouldn’t have to deal with Gillian.
Mari: Someone reports to Knox that Gillian was able to take pictures of the lab, but then Matthew took her phone. What they know is that the vampires are studying witch DNA. He thinks it’s good that Gillian discovered this but wonders why she was in a vampire lab in the first place. Knox plays dumb. He says that Sylvia will handle everything at Oxford because they have to stay for the magic meetings. Satu just looks around like she hates it here.
Diana calls her aunts and reports back about the Congregation sending a vampire after her and telling her about the Covenant. But it doesn’t matter! These last few days? Couple of weeks? have taught Diana that she LOVES Matthew, no matter the consequences.
Rebecca: She sounds so bored here, and I want to apologize to Kristen Stewart for judging her portrayal of Bella. Clearly white girls who fall in love with vampires in 4 days are just dull by nature.
Mari: Matthew meets with his bestie Hamish so we get version 1,398 of one of them saying they love the other and another character going, “GASP! But the covenant!” Idk if you are there yet but Matthew and Diana love each other and this is very bad news. Because of the covenant. Hamish does have one good additional point: Matthew shouldn’t think for Diana.
Ysabeau continues on her scare-ducation tour for Diana, this time taking her through the village where Matthew was born, explaining that he became a craftsman just like his father. (T: I didn’t think anyone but Stephenie Meyer could make being a vampire this uncool, but here we are.) Ysabeau brings Diana to a church that Matthew built. Inside, Ysabeau lights a candle. Diana spots an inscription dedicated to Blanca and Lucas, and Ysabeau explains that they were Matthew’s wife and son, killed by a fever that spread through the village. Blanca was Matthew’s one true love and in 1,500 years, he’s never mated again. Blanca gave Matthew a son, something that can’t ever happen again. (Is this foreshadowing a vampire baby? Help.) (R: nononononopleaseno)
Diana says she will never leave Matthew, but Ysabeau says of course she will. People die and it’s, like, inevitable.
Mari: Sorry to your cat.
The are interrupted by a villager walking into the church and Diana looks pensive. Diana walks out, but soon Ysabeau joins her for more exposition. She found Matthew here, in front of the church, fallen from the tower. No one knows if he jumped or slipped. Ysabeau offered to take his suffering away, but then Matthew was in a rage when he realized what she’d made him. He went off on killing sprees, basically, and Diana is like “Wow, can’t imagine that.”
Thais: Really, Diana? Really? He’s been one step away from killing you for 50% of the time you’ve known him.
Mari: 50% seems conservative, but AT LEAST.
Congregation. Knox says that the vampires have further misbehaved by attacking a witch. Baldwin clarifies that Gillian was attacked because she broke into a vampire lab and rules are rules. Agatha is siding with Knox, though, mostly because she thinks the vamps are abusing their powers. Knox says they need to bring Diana and Matthew to account for themselves. Gerbert Baby offers to go get Diana, as he’s scarier than Domenico, or whatever. Agatha thinks one representative creature should form a team and go.
Rebecca: She’s really taking on the Legolas role this episode. I’d assign LotR roles for other characters but they have no personality.
Mari: We cut to Satu waiting for Knox. She says that they need to find a way to look inside Diana and see how she’s hiding her power. Knox says that the spell required, an opening spell, is dangerous and unreliable. Diana would be unlikely to survive. Satu says that Baldwin might want Diana for himself. Knox doesn’t think they have much of a choice since Diana is on his land. Satu asks if Knox has ever thought of working with other vampires against Baldwin. Knox doesn’t like that one bit. Domenico is a sneak and Gerbert Baby is evil. Word on the street is that he’s kept a witch in his thrall for over 100 years. She’s to keep away from them both. Satu glares.
Agatha’s son is at a restaurant, meeting with other demons, talking about working together and standing up to the Congregation. Sophie walks in late, and Nathaniel gets up to greet her. She apologizes for being late, but says that she fell asleep and had a weird dream. Agatha was in it and so was her father, saying over and over that she has to tell the truth. She thinks she has to be honest with Agatha about who and what she is. Nat says she can’t. It isn’t safe. Sophie thinks Agatha will understand, and she can’t get the statue to Diana without Agatha.
Thais: I didn’t understand any of that conversation, but even their small snippets are better than watching Diana and Matthew, so keep it up.
Mari: Diana is typing something but takes a break to snoop around Matthew’s desk drawer. She finds a little baby toy with an L on it. She also manages to open a locked drawer. Inside is a box with ancient artifacts, or whatever, belonging to Matthew for the Knights of Lazarus of Bethany.
Rebecca: The ominous music tells me I should care, but I don’t.
Thais: Don’t worry, that’s just the brand that makes ominous black children’s toys.
Mari: Ye Olde Toys R Us.
Lab. Matthew is sniffing a single strand of hair very intensely. I hate it. (R: I made an actual emoji face.) (T: Make it stop!) He lays it very carefully down and picks up his phone to call Diana. He asks how she’s doing, and she tells him about Ysabeau’s stories. She has taken them in a much better light than I would’ve, saying that Ysabeau has described him as a cross between Superman and Lancelot. He smirks a bit and says he tries. Diana asks about the lab break-in, but he tells her not to worry her pretty little head about that, so she just says goodnight.
Rebecca: She’s being much nicer than I would have been. Pretty sure I would have answered the phone with, “What, fuckhead?”
Mari: Matthew gets down to work at the lab, running Diana’s blood during a lab montage with moody music. In the dark. Just some lab work in the dark. Miriam finds him I guess in the morning and asks what he’s doing. Turns out he did some lab things and found out something super important about Diana that changes everything.
Thais: Can’t focus, the weird Sia-esque music through this whole montage is very distracting.
Mari: Matthew rushes back to Sept-Tours with the news. Marthe wakes Diana up, saying Matthew is on his way. Diana gets dressed and runs out to the courtyard just as Matthew arrives. “Tell me,” she says. Matthew says that there is no going back, so she has to understand. Diana is like “Ysabeau ate a fox and told me stories, so I understand now.” Matthew thinks that checks out and tells her that from this moment, they will always be one. He loves her. They kiss.
Rebecca: I think I’m supposed to… feel… something? Searching the depths of my heart, but there’s only coffee.
Mari: Honestly, it makes very little sense. I thought he ran here with news? But maybe his news actually just made him decide come hand-mate with her in the courtyard? Whatever, it’s all stupid.
Meanwhile, Ysabeau scowls. Matthew and Diana join her inside so she can remind them again that this is bad news. Matthew offers to leave, but Ysabeau has never deserted him, and she won’t start now. He is her beloved son and that makes Diana her beloved daughter because I guess they are married now. (T: It was quicker than a Vegas wedding!) Ysabeau kisses Diana’s cheeks and tells her that if she has the courage to love Matthew, she has no need to fear her powers. The women of the De Clairmont family defend themselves, and she will be no different.
Rebecca: “You’re brave enough to love my son” WHAT A BURN.
Mari: Satu glares in a cab. I love this bitch so much, I don’t even know why. (R: Same.) (T: Same x 2.)
Gerbert Baby brings out his head in a box, which I’m assuming is that witch Knox mentioned earlier. He bites his finger and feeds the head blood, (T: EW) so she wakes up and prophecies that Gerbert should beware the witch with the blood of the lion and the wolf, for with it, she will destroy the children of the night. Gerbert knows this part. He threatens to give the head no more blood so she gives him another little tidbit, as a treat: two. One light, one dark. One close. Gerbert figures this means there are two witches he needs to be paying attention to, but the Head Prophet will say no more.
Satu arrives somewhere. And the camera reveals that she’s there to meet with Gerbert Baby.
Ysabeau is complaining to Marthe about how the witches will surely come for them once word gets out about Diana and Matthew. Diana needs to find a way to protect herself fast.
Thais: They keep laying down stakes, but they’re just not convincing.
Mari: Particularly because it’s been five episodes of JUST laying down stakes. Nothing else. ALL WE KEEP GETTING IS STAKES.
Matthew shares the results of the DNA testing he did. Turns out Diana has every genetic marker for witches ever. Something like that. I refuse to think about this past “Diana has all the powers.” (R: She’s the Avatar.) Matthew thinks those powers are waking up and restless to get out. Matthew wants to tell her more, but Diana just wants to kiss.
Thais: Who cares about our mortal danger? Give me those chaste vampire kisses!
Mari: Matthew carries her to bed and asks what she knows about “bundling.” Diana is like “lol, no” and starts kissing and undressing him. He stops her to say that she may not like what she sees. Once his shirt is off, we see that he’s got some scars. I’m also currently rewatching S1 of The Witcher so compared to my man Geralt, this is like a tasteful scar here and there.
Thais: Seems like this could have been revealed before they got vampire-married, but that’s just me.
Mari: Diana kisses his scars and says she wants to hunt down everyone that hurt him. (R: The captions put “SMOOCHES” when she kissed his back.) They fall into bed and kiss some more. Matthew says that with Diana, his life has a beginning, a middle and an end. After she’s gone, his life will be over. Nothing gets me hotter than reminders of my mortality. They actually start laughing mid-heavy petting and it’s the most I’ve ever liked them together. “I don’t think that’s bundling,” Diana says. “It is in France,” Matthew jokes. Sweet and funny! I said a nice thing about this show.
Rebecca: I have mild feelings now. Like maybe what I’d feel for someone who held the door open for me while walking into Target.
Mari: The best we’ve felt yet!
Domenico finds Juliette in a bar. He tells her not to even bother coming home because Gerbert is very disappointed in her. Juliette says Matthew wasn’t even in Oxford, so it isn’t her fault. Domenico knows where Matthew is, though, and goads Juliette with information about his new woman, who is currently at Sept-Tours.
Rebecca: I thought he hadn’t mated in like 1000 years or something?
Thais: Maybe they had sex, but didn’t do that weird hand thing?
Mari: They definitely didn’t tango.
Diana wakes up next to Matthew and looks both happy and pensive. She goes out for a morning run around the grounds. She stops to breathe and suddenly WHOOSH. She’s grabbed by some sort of smoke creature.
Thais: Ysabeau told her to protect herself!
Mari: Failed after one day of marriage.
Next time on A Discovery of Witches: Satu tortures Diana in S01 E06 – Episode 6.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I am a book, movie, and TV fanatic over the age of 30. I love baking, video games, and D&D. Legally I must tell you I am a disaster. I've written like 6 novels but haven't had the real courage to query agents yet, and also I don't know how to make decisions (DISASTER). So please send me wine for Courage. Maybe a heart too. Oh and also a brain.
I'm a loud Brazilian who loves all things fantasy, horror, and YA. I spend most of my spare time reading, bellydancing, making lists, and watching way too much TV. My name is pronounced Tah-ees (it doesn't have a notable meaning, but there's a French opera with the same name!).
