Charmed (Reboot) S01 E11 – Aca-hella.

Previously: Magical band-aids didn’t help ease the pain.
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Witch Perfect

Rebecca: Before we start who wants to bet they thought of the title for this episode first and then just made an entire plot around it?

Marines: I’m not going to take that bet, but I will raise a glass to that almost certainly being the case. 

Rebecca: This episode starts in Athens, Greece. A man with Sexy Professor vibes walks into an antique shop. He’s interested in an old, green pitch pipe, which he guesses must be “at least 3000 years old.” Naturally, he immediately puts his mouth on it. After playing a couple notes, he’s surrounded by some Green Smoke that flies into his ear and turns his eyes black. Now he’s a Possessed Sexy Professor. (M: I think this episode has already taught us that you shouldn’t put your mouth on old things.) He walks out whistling a creepy tune with the pitch pipes in hand.

White Smoke Title!

At the MMManor, Maggie is singing beautifully, and I’m getting Descendants flashbacks. Maggie reveals she’s auditioning for the Hilltones today, her school’s a cappella group. Maggie and Mel bring Harry breakfast in the attic, who hides a Mystery Journal behind some couch cushions and pretends to be reading a magazine instead. He says he’s recovering from his recent trip to Demon Prison. Macy interrupts and wants to talk to her sisters downstairs. Harry mentions that he wants to erase Galvin’s memories when he’s feeling better. The sisters back up Macy and say they trust Galvin with their secret. When the charmed ones leave, Harry gets out his Mystery Journal again and we cut to a flashback.

Past Harry is crying over his sick son while a man off screen says there’s nothing that can be done to save him. Harry takes some notes but has to stop writing as his wrist is still infected with the black goo from Dragon Eye.

Mari: Yo, the angels he reports to can’t do anything about this? 

Rebecca: Downstairs, Macy tells Maggie that Ray isn’t her dad. They share a dad and are full sisters, while Mel is their half sister. She’s a little too excited while Mel and Maggie are obviously shocked and upset. Macy suggests that Maggie call Ray and see if he knows about not being her biological father. My god, let them breathe, Macy. There’s some arguing as Mel and Maggie are upset to find out their mom told them more lies their entire lives, and Macy is hung up on trying to figure out why she was given up in the first place. Ultimately Mel and Maggie run out crying, leaving Macy to cry alone, and leaving me to pout at the screen and sniff into my coffee.

Maggie goes to her audition still crying and sings Walking On Sunshine. Not an ideal audition song for this mood, Maggie. Did she not know any sad songs? The juxtaposition works, and she’s rewarded with a nice, creepy slow clap from the director who is…Possessed Sexy Professor! Gasp! He welcomes her to the Hilltones, still wearing his old pipes.

After the break, Macy is at the MMManor with Galvin making what I thought was a smoothie until she smeared it all over her hands. Macy wants to do a spell to reveal hidden secrets. Personally I think she could use a smoothie instead right now, but here we are. The spell asks for all secrets to be revealed, which causes a bunch of books and stuff to fly around. She catches a box and finds it full of letters in her dad’s handwriting. He’d been writing to their mom until he died.

Mari: Wait, but what are all of those other secrets that came flying at her? The Manor is full of secrets.

Rebecca: The lingered on that book way too long for it to mean nothing.

At school, Maggie is trying to text Ray when Lucy finds her. She’s a Hilltone too. Lucy seems to have forgiven Maggie for the whole Parker thing, as long as Maggie doesn’t try to steal her solo. Kind of loving this. Parker sucks, glad we all agree now! Another Hilltone, Effie, arrives for practice and says the solo is all hers. By says, I mean sings. She sings it. Are a cappella people like this IRL? (M: I kind of hope so.) Possessed Sexy Professor reveals to have been sitting there they entire time. He calls them “Songbirds” and says he’s prepared something for their upcoming competition. To, um, “Ready your throats”. This feels like the beginning to a very different kind of entertainment medium. (M: You did call him Sexy right at the top.)

They all eagerly drink his tea while he watches intently. But really though, there are only 3 cups. And only 3 of them? I thought more people would be showing up but. Are there just 3 people in this a cappella group? I’m confused.

MMManor. Macy tries to share the love letters with Maggie, but she’s upset to learn this was all happening behind Ray’s back. Mel appears briefly and is also still unhappy with Macy. Maggie leaves when she gets a text from Lucy saying that Effie got the solo.

Mel meets with Jada. She says she doesn’t want her relationships to be poisoned with lies, like her mother’s, so she tells Jada the Elders sent her to join the Sarcana as a spy, since they believe the Sarcana killed her mother. Something she knows can’t be true now. Jada reveals she knew all along and was waiting for Mel to come clean herself. Mel says she wants to know everything about what the Sarcana does now, so Jada suggests she tag along with her tomorrow night. They kiss. Niko takes more pictures. This is getting weird, Niko.

Mari: She only snaps those pictures when they kiss, whatcha doing girl?

Rebcca: The Hilltones are practicing, and there are more than 3 of them now! I guess only 3 needed Possessed Sexy Professor’s “special tea” *wink*. Their song is slow and creepy, but when Effie points that out, Possessed Sexy Professor mocks her in the most delicious way and says Maggie is the only one doing it right. Later, Possessed Sexy Professor tells Effie she’s being cut from the show. They are in the brightest dressing room I’ve ever seen, and my eyes hurt. Possessed Sexy Professor’s eyes turn black, and he plays his fun pipes. Effie just stands there. She does not seem concerned. Haven’t you seen Supernatural?! MOVE, WOMAN.

Effie’s soul(?) comes out of her face and into Possessed Sexy Professor’s chest. She collapses, and he drags the body away. I’m having regrets about Possessed Sexy Professor’s name. It is very long.

Mari: All for the recap. 

Rebecca: A the MMManor, Macy is going over the love letters with Galvin, and they’re able to pinpoint when Maggie was conceived. Macy is upset to learn that her father knew about Maggie this whole time. Macy says she was lonely growing up and wished she had her sisters as a child. She’s lovely, and I want her to have all the happiness in the world. (M: I will be your sister, Macy.)

Back at school, Lucy brings Maggie what might be more special tea. Maggie confides in Lucy that she’s not getting along with her sisters right now. Lucy is supportive in her silly, self-absorbed way. They’re interrupted by the arrival of Possessed Sexy Professor and the rest of the a cappella group, sans Effie. When Maggie asks where she is, they’re told she quit. She doesn’t believe him and notices the old pipes he’s wearing around his chest. Her Witch Senses must be tingling because she tries to touch them, only to hear Effie crying out for help. After practice, Maggie sends a picture of the pipes to her sisters and Harry and calls them “demonic pitch pipe”.

Mel is at a bar with Jada. Jada says they’re waiting for a man who got off on sexual assault charges to protect his “promising future”. Are they gonna kill him because??? I can get down with that. (M: We hardly ever promote violence.) Jada excuses herself for a minute, and Niko appears. She knows Mel’s name but introduces herself as though they’ve never met. The way Mel LOOKS AT HER. My heart. We cut to black for a commercial.

Mel shrugs off the shock and asks how Niko knows her name. Niko says she’s there on business, and her business is helping people. She was sent by people who are worried about Jada and think she’s involved in a cult.  Niko gives Mel her number and asks Mel to call her if she hears anything strange. She leaves right as Jada comes back with her eyes on their Douchebag target. He’s at the bar staring at a woman in just the least subtle way possible. Jada asks who Mel was talking to, and Mel says it was nobody.

At the MMManor, Macy, Harry, and Galvin have found the pitch pipes in the BoS. Harry is worried about Galvin being there, but they don’t have time. The BoS says the pipes are the mystiki flauto. They originally belonged to sirens in ancient Greece. They believe Possessed Sexy Professor is a siren and…wait. Is he not possessed? Have I been calling him a stupid name this whole time? Dammit. Maggie wonders if he’s planning to kill the audience with the song the a cappella group has been practicing. Galvin brings up that sirens are typically women, and Harry says that “GENDER CAN  BE FLUID, AS WE HAVE LEARNED”. Thank you, Charmed. This show is the best. (M: It has no right being this great.)

Harry tries to whitelighter Macy and Galvin to help Maggie, but his powers still aren’t working. He tells them to text a siren vanquishing spell to Maggie.

At the bar, Mel and Jada watch as Douchebag is about to slip a drug in a woman’s drink. Mel freezes time, and Jada uses her lightning magic declaring “Justice now. Consequences now.” She also growls in his ear, and this is, I’ve decided, the sexiest episode of Charmed so far.

Mel unfreezes time, and we see Jada has hexed Douchebag to grab the drink  he was about to drug and draw a lot of attention to himself. He gets arrested. It’s very satisfying. I thought they were gonna stop his heart, but this is cool too.

Mari: What a fun date! No one has ever taken me out to hex a douchebag. 

Rebecca: The Hilltones get called onstage as the show begins. Maggie stays behind and quickly says the spell that’s supposed to vanquish the siren, but he laughs in her face. He says he has way more talent than any silly siren. He is the Director behind the Sirens and positively exudes male film school student. He’s very upset that sirens have stolen the glory behind his songs and tonight that will change. When Maggie threatens to stop the show, Sexy Professor says the songs has begun and everyone in the audience will die.

Macy and Galvin arrive. Macy magics Sexy Professor into the wall. Maggie explains Sexy Professor isn’t a siren but The Maestro, and he’s turned the Hilltones into sirens. The audience all scream in pain as the song takes over, including poor Galvin. The deduce they must be immune because they’re witches, and the Hiltones are immune because of his special tea. Maggie runs to get some for Galvin while The Maestro starts climbing the ropes of the stage to get away. I guess he’s climbing? It’s shot terribly. I died laughing. Macy sees but refuses to leave Galvin, letting The Maestro get away.

At the MMManor, Harry is looking for a book on sirens when one magically pops out of the shelf. Meanwhile, Maggie brings Galvin some of the tea. Galvin chokes on it, but it works. Maggie asks where The Maestro is, and she admits he got away. Macy and Galvin realize in order to save the audience, they just have to change the song. With science! They tell Maggie they need a mash-up, so she grabs a mic and gets onstage, singing over Lucy in a different pitch. The others are hella onboard because it makes the song way less depressing. The audience all breathe a sigh of relief.

Harry calls Macy and says they need to get the pipes from The Maestro. The pipes have Effie’s soul, and probably have the soul of the original Sexy Professor because he IS POSSESSED. Thank you. Harry says they need the power of three to reveal The Maestro’s true form, and Mel is on her way. Afterwards, they need to trap the demon back in the pitch pipes by playing it. Because it’s called The Devil’s Tritone, or whatever.

The Hilltones finish their song and get a standing ovation. Maggie gets them going on another song before running offstage to join her sisters. Mel has arrived, and they hunt down The Maestro together. He finds them first, but Mel freezes him. They recite the power of three spell Harry has sent, but it doesn’t work. Maggie says it’s because they’re all mad at each other. This forces them to apologize and admit why they were all upset with each other. The spell works now, and green smoke comes out of the poor Sexy Professor.

Mel throws the Devil’s Tritone down to Galvin and tells him to play it to release the souls trapped inside. WHY DID YOU THROW IT? They are so far up. What if it broke?! Galvin plays the pipes and let’s out the trapped souls while the green smoke gets trapped back inside. Effie wakes up and is upset to hear the show going on without her. Sexy Professor wakes up confused and sad. Maggie says he’s jet-lagged, and he believes it for now. Meanwhile, Galvin is excited to have vanquished his first demon.

MMManor, Mel has told Macy and Maggie that she saw Niko. Mel says Niko looked happy, and sometimes we lie to protect people. For now, the sisters are going to believe that’s what their mom was doing. Maggie asks to see the love letters between their parents. They invite Mel, but she says they should do it on their own. They rush off to bond.

Mel meets up with Jada and tells her about Niko being sent to track Jada down. Jada suspects it’s her parents. Mel also tells her that Niko was her girlfriend. We cut away, but it sounds like Mel was going to tell Jada what happened with Niko.

Harry is at the MMManor when Charity shows up. Harry says he’s been distracted and shows her his journal, where he’s been writing down every time he remembers something from his past. Harry says Tartarus changed him, and he doesn’t think he should be their whitelighter anymore. Charity says he should tell them before he leaves since he always considered them family.

Mari: I like Harry, but like only when he’s with the girls. I find his little side plot boring, and I don’t want it. Be cute with the girls or go away.

Rebecca: Don’t say that. He’s definitely about to do his “go away” bit!

Maggie and Macy are reading their parents letters and having a good time. Until Maggie discovers that their parents had to do something drastic to bring Macy back from the dead. They share a look and some tears, and that’s the end. Why, show? Why?

 

Next time on Charmed: Macy summons a necromancer in S01 E12 – You’re Dead to Me.