Previously: The book didn’t end, despite my desperate hopes that it would.
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Kirsti: I don’t know if it’s because I’m reading on a Kindle this time, but every chapter thus far has felt like it’s lasted for approximately seven hundred pages, so it’s super fun that we’re only 11% into the book.
Marines: Chiming in early to say that while I am sensitive to balancing these recaps and making sure we aren’t just grousing all the time, can confirm that these chapters are so cot damn long, send help.
K: I swear the chapters weren’t this long in Twilight…
Edwards starts this chapter by telling us that he went back to school because it was the right thing to do. Uh. Pretty sure going back to school after getting hit with a van is going to raise more flags with your classmates than anything, but whatever. He spends all afternoon gritting his teeth because he wants to ditch and find Bella.
Like a stalker. An obsessed stalker. An obsessed vampire stalker.
I’d add another sentence there: a psychopathic gaslighting obsessed vampire stalker. But Steph didn’t ask me for feedback, so…
Mari: “Like a stalker” is funny. Eddie, you are a stalker.
Catherine: See, it’s fine because Meyer had him come out and admit that he is a stalker. So, it’s totally acceptable in a book for teens.
K: Well if you admit your faults, then it’s totally fine!
School today is even more boring and coma-like than it was last week. He tells us that he’s doing the right thing by being there but the wrong thing for a Cullen, which would be to act nice and concerned about the other people in the accident while also being all “I hear Bella has a concussion, that crazy bitch.” Instead, he’s curt and unsmiling and it makes Mr. Banner deeply uncomfortable. (I would say I picture Bruce Banner here, but he wouldn’t be a misogynistic scrotum with the same degree of frequency, so.)
Mari: Interesting that there is no middle ground for Edward between “be really nice to stupid humans to convince them that Bella is crazy” and “suck it humans, I don’t care what you think.” Like, he could’ve said “I’m not sure how Bella is!” without flashing his murder face at everyone in his vicinity.
Annie: For a super evolved, perfect specimen of a species, he sure has some major issues. In all the centuries spent wandering the earth, maybe investing some of that time in therapy would have been a good idea, there, Eddie.
K: Surely at SOME point, one of these asshole vampires has trained as a therapist. If not, stop sitting through high school and get on that.
Apparently it feels wrong to “slander the girl behind her back” when she’s keeping his secret. I mean, she’s not been back to school yet, dude. She might have plans to spread your secret everywhere tomorrow. You don’t fucking know.
He has a similarly curt conversation with his Spanish teacher, and Emmett gives him side eye and demands an explanation. The real explanation is that if Bella had been hurt, her blood would have spilled and Edward wouldn’t have been able to control his fang-boner, resulting in public exposure of them all while he sucked Bella’s neck like a Slurpee straw. But apparently he won’t be giving his family this excuse because “it was too shameful.”
Catherine: More or less shameful then ‘I’m randomly in love with this drip of a human girl’?
K: Unclear.
But basically, Bella spends half of Twilight being like “OMG, he *cares* about me on account of that time he didn’t let me get hit by a van!” when in actual fact he saved her from the van so that he didn’t eat her in public? Awesome.
The really frustrating thing about this whole section is that at NO POINT does he say what Jasper’s intentions actually are. He says that “I could see that Jasper’s intentions made sense to him,” but he doesn’t say what. they. are. I mean, obviously Jasper wants to kill Bella so she can’t talk. But, like, JUST SAY THAT???
Mari: I was so confused. I thought that Edward heard Jasper’s thoughts and they were rage filled? But then I was like “no, Edward is seeing red.” And it all makes it seem like some of them are mad AT Bella, for, I don’t know, having a body that would break if hit with van.
It’s one part that Meyer is purposeful about how many times she reminds us that the heroes of her story really want to murder the heroine. She talks around it as much as possible and generally believes that her readership will excuse it or not question it, which is fair, because they do. And the second part is over-wrought and dramatic writing.
K: I’ve blocked out enough of the original books to not remember if she did this “all the characters know what’s going on but I’ll keep the reader in the dark and then drop a bombshell at the end of the chapter” thing but I would like her to stop now pls. It doesn’t add tension. It doesn’t make things compelling. It just makes things CONFUSING.
Edward wonders to himself if this is heading towards a fight between him and his family over a puny human he literally just met, and decides that yes, he would fight his family for Bella. Realising that he can’t fight all of them alone, he wonders who his allies will be. Carlisle for sure. He’s not sure about Esme, and he thinks Alice will probably Google Search and side with the winner like a cheater. (C: Not really selling me on liking Alice.)
So he wonders if he should take “evasive action” and KIDNAP BELLA??? But it’s okay, y’all. He knows he probably couldn’t successfully kidnap her because her Bella stank would be too much for his sensitive lil nose.
Mari: He finds kidnapping Bella so funny that his rage dulls a bit, which is fine and very normal. He even stops to wonder how she would react if he kidnapped her, as if there are any right answers beside SCARED OUT OF HER MIND YOU TERRIBLE WEIRDO.
Annie: But what if she was hoping that Edward kidnapped her? Maybe that’s what she has been thinking this whole time!
But really, what the actual fuck is this book? I don’t know how anyone can defend this story as being ‘ideal’ romance or even cute or sweet now that we know exactly what Edward was thinking. It’s gross and terrible and predatory and just no. No.
Catherine: The sad thing is, we know she WOULD be fine with it, because she’s just as dipshitty as he is.
K: Totally. I mean, people knew about the watching-her-sleep-like-a-creeper thing and still said this book features an ideal romance, so…
School eventually ends and he and Emmett head to the car. The others are waiting there and Rosalie starts yelling insults at him. Mentally, of course, otherwise these books would be RIDDLED with drama and that would actually make them interesting and we can’t have that. Jasper’s decided it’s definitely murder time. Alice is channel surfing between possible futures, and Edward realises that neither Emmett nor Rosalie show up in the visions. So he only has to fight Jasper.
He feels sick at the thought of hurting his brother, but gets all “No, but it’s not really HURTING him, it’s just BLOCKING him”, which is probably the same argument Teenage!Me made when digging her fingernails into her brother’s arm to steal the remote. (M: Teenage me: “Mom I didn’t hit her, I put up my hand and she walked into it.”) He starts memorising Jasper’s attacks and Alice is all “Stop cheating” and they all sit in silence the whole way home while Alice searches some more.
They head inside (I just saved you two entire pages of description of cars and rooms, you’re welcome) to where Esme and Carlisle sit waiting. Everyone else sits down, and Edward says he can see the battle lines being drawn. Rosalie glares, Emmett looks wry, Jasper stands behind Rosalie. Alice sits with Esme. I give zero fucks about any of this.
Catherine: It really is. And somehow the scene about killing off the main heroine (lol) of the book is mind-numbingly dull. It’s just them sitting around the table thinking at Edward, basically. To everyone who wants this to be a movie, THIS IS WHAT YOU WOULD BE WATCHING.
K: A roomful of snobby pretentious pale people sitting around in near silence. Riveting viewing for all!
Edward apologises and says he didn’t mean to put any of them at risk and he takes full responsibility for his actions. Rosalie wants to know what that means. But he doesn’t mean “by killing Bella,” he means “by leaving town forever” because then the situation will sort itself out as long as none of them touch her. Esme sad pandas, and he assures her that it’s only for a few years. Emmett’s all “How will we know people’s thoughts if you leave, that would be wildly inconvenient.” Carlisle says that Bella’s more likely to talk if Edward vanishes so everyone goes or they all stay.
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but the Bella-less parts of this book were meant to be where we get exciting! new! content!! and this is just… dry af. It’s like reading the Hansard but with worse syntax (and, if you’re talking about Hansard in Australia, less swearing and name calling).
Anysegue, Edward insists that Bella won’t say anything and that Alice will back him up. But her Googling has failed again. Rosalie smacks the table and says that they can’t give a human the opportunity to say something and that there might be rumours left behind if they leave town. She suggests that maaaaaybe Bella’s head trauma was more severe than expected and she just doesn’t wake up ever again hint hint and that if Edward can’t clean up his own damn mess, she’ll do it because she’ll leave no evidence behind.
Edward decides it’s the perfect time to be all “Right, because you were SUCH a perfect murderer when you killed the dudes who gang raped you” and she’s so taken aback that she hisses at him. He wishes her speechlessness would last because he’s the worst.
Mari: The gall of this serial killer to throw back in Rosalie’s face that she killed her rapists. And then to wish she would just shut up forever. He is the legitimate WORST.
K: Completely and utterly.
Carlisle says that this is a totally different situation to killing rapists because “The Swan girl is entirely innocent.” Rosalie insists that it’s not personal, and she’s just trying to protect them all.
Mari: I really like the flimsy walls of their morality. Like after Edward spent an hour planning to murder Bella and all their class, if he had done it, Carlisle would’ve been like “an unfortunate accident.” But Rosalie and Jasper…. planning to murder Bella… is unacceptable? Like okay, y’all. Makes sense! Such heroes!
K: Murder because she smells like food is apparently totally fine, but murder because she might be a gossip is a huge no-no.
Carlisle goes on to ponder whether they need to move or not. Rosalie sulks that she doesn’t want to be a sophomore again. GIRL. JUST GO TO FUCKING UNIVERSITY AND BE A PERPETUAL STUDENT. Anyway, she says she likes it in Forks because she gets to be practically normal thanks to the lack of sun. Carlisle says that they can wait and see if Bella does anything.
Edward smugly says that he knows now that Rosalie will fall into line with Carlisle’s decision. But he’s worried about Jasper, who spent years living in a combat zone, witnessing the consequences of breaking the rules. (M: By that logic, he’d be wary of breaking Carlisle’s rule, but okay, nice try trying to make this make sense.) Edward tells him that Bella won’t pay for his mistake, and Jasper says that Bella should have been killed by the van anyway, and he just wants to fix that. Edward says that he won’t allow it and Jasper replies that he won’t let Alice live in danger and that Edward can’t possibly know because he’s never felt about anyone the way Jasper feels about Alice and oh my God these freaking vampires and their freaking soul bonds.
Jasper becomes indecisive. Alice says his indecision makes it obvious that Bella won’t say anything. Edward’s all “???” (same) and Alice says she told him there was a change coming. She refuses to say more and apparently she’s trying real hard to hide her thoughts. Edward asks if what she’s hiding is about Bella, and the second he says Bella’s name, Alice’s concentration slips and he sees something.
But of course, he doesn’t tell us what he sees. We only get his shouty “NO!” reaction to what he sees. Alice says that her Google Vision solidifies because he’s more decided with every minute. We still don’t know what the fuck she’s talking about. Edward is no help either:
I could see what she saw… but I could not accept it.
Catherine: I’ve changed my mind again, I want to see this as a movie just to watch RPatz have to portray Edward’s anguished screaming at nothing.
K: He’s got the range for it…
He says that he has to leave, but Emmett reminds him that he can’t because that’s a fantastic way to get Bella to spill her guts. Alice says she doesn’t think he can leave any more because of her magical mystical Google Visions that we literally never heard about this is just so stupid y’all, I can’t take it any more. (My current situation is not helped by the fact that my Kindle has decided it won’t tell me how long is left in the chapter, so it could be 2 minutes or it could be 100 years WHO KNOWS.)
Alice mind-tells him to think about leaving to see if it will change her visions. He tells us that it’s painful to think of never seeing Bella again. Alice mind-tells him that she’s not sure about Jasper and that he might decide to take action if Edward leaves. Wow, way to blackmail someone into staying in town, Alice. He tells us that he’s not Bella’s protector and he can’t possibly be. Alice mind-tells him that she loves Bella too and he’s all “whaaaaaaa??” and she mind-tells him that he’s a blind moron and that their love is inevitable. Edward basically sticks his fingers in his ears and sings “lalalalala” while insisting that he can definitely change the future.
Alice is sceptical, Emmett is lost, and Rosalie is all “ew, Alice sees him falling for a human” and then starts gagging. Same, girl. Same. Emmett lols. Esme is shocked. All of this is going on for far. too. long.
Annie: This is the longest chapter and I feel like there is no real forward movement in the plot? Why couldn’t this have been a paragraph, Steph?
K: SERIOUSLY!!
Jasper demands to know EXACTLY what Alice sees. She says that it all depends on whether Edward is strong enough – either he’ll murder Bella’s face off or she’ll be a vampire some day.
Gasps all around. Edward yells that it won’t happen. Alice gives no fucks and says again that it all depends on Edward’s strength. He MIGHT be strong enough not to kill Bella, but it will take the most control of all time ever, even more control than Carlisle has. But he’s definitely not strong enough to stay away from her. Everyone stares at each other in horror. I think the weirdest thing about this scene is that a) it’s a million pages long and b) despite the fact that there are seven people in the room, only Edward and one other person speak at a time. That…is not how rooms full of people work, even if they’re vampires.
Mari: Meyer is very bad at dialogue and action. This entire thing was so awkward and painful because she thinks she’s doing something by keeping bits of information back so we only get people reacting to things we don’t know. Lots of shouts and gasps and gesticulating and none of it means anything to the reader. It’s all meant to trick us into believe whatever is coming is a really! big! deal! We spend paragraphs reacting to the information we don’t even have yet.
The one person talk at a time thing is also painful, as is this thing where everyone just talks to Edward in their heads because he can hear them. Why? Edward has to answer them outloud so WHY don’t they JUST ALL TALK TO EACH OTHER. Why are we getting this stupid think-speak back and forth? No one has any answers for me, I already know it. No answers exist.
Catherine: It literally is so stupid and so at odds with their plans to pretend to be human if he’s constantly answering people’s thoughts. If he was really trying to be normal, wouldn’t it make more sense for him to stop acting like such a little freak?
K: Eventually Carlisle sighs and says that shit is real complicated now. They all agree. Carlisle goes on to say that their plan stays the same – stay and watch – and that no one can hurt Bella. Jasper’s all “Ugh fine, if that’s what Alice sees.” Edward yells “NO!” some more. Except that he doesn’t yell, exactly:
My voice was not a shout or a growl or a cry of despair, but some combination of the three.
Uh. Okay.
Mari: It’s the “try this at home!” of the recap. Hope your neighbors aren’t around to hear.
K: I’m guessing it sounds something like a koala. I’ll wait while y’all Google it. (M: What IN THE HELL.)
Edward stomps off in a huff because his family are grossed out and smug about this news and, worst of all, Esme’s thrilled. He runs into the woods in the pouring rain and keeps going until he can see Seattle’s lights. And then he just…sits there? In the rain? And forces himself to look “at the way that I had mutilated the future.” Wow. Okay. ‘Mutilated’ is…a word choice, Steph.
He finally tells us about Alice’s visions – in one, she and Bella have their arms around each other and Bella doesn’t flinch away from Alice’s coldness. And in the other, they’ve still got their arms around each other but this time Bella’s a vampire. He shudders and wonders how the hell this could happen. Surely Bella would hate him if he turned her.
But the worst vision of all is the one where his eyes are red and he’s drained Bella’s body dry. It’s the worst thing he’s ever seen.
Catherine: Wait till he sees what he does to her uterus.
K: Urgh. Thanks for the reminder…
He can’t get rid of this vision and “the monster in me was overflowing with glee, jubilant at the likelihood of his success.” Does…. does Edward have an Inner Goddess only not?? Because that’s what I’m getting from this.
Mari: I’m not sure if he has an inner anything? Like does he technically have an inner monster if he is also an outer monster?
K: Anyway, he finishes off the chapter (thank God) by saying that there has to be another path, another choice. I’m guessing there won’t be, not because I have Alice’s Vision Google but because I’ve read the million pages of the original series like a dumb dumb.
Corresponding Twilight Chapter: Still, mostly the end of Chapter 03 – Edward Cullen: Mushroom.
Next time on Midnight Sun: Bella COULD die from a meteor in Chapter 05.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Fuchsia-haired, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, Raptors fan, sometimes blogger, music & social media geek, freelancer, human being. She/her.
I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.
