The Vampire Diaries S01 E01 – Suck it, Bella Swan.

We sure do like starting things and vampires around here.
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Pilot

Emmy: The Vampire Diaries was a series of novels written in 1991, and I read them sometime during the Twilight craze of the early 2000’s. The first two books were kind of okay, but the last two were insane. When I heard that the series was being made into a show in 2009, I thought that it could be really interesting to see it revamped (haha get it, revamped?) to reach a broader audience.

I watched the first couple of episodes back when they first aired, but never finished the series. When Marines asked me what series I would like to start recapping, I thought that with the insanity of the books and how silly I remember the show being, it could be really fun to start rewatching and recapping these.

Marines: I never read the books, but I did watch a portion of season 1 when it first aired? My memories are hazy. Also, I’m the queen of starting and never finishing series, so when Emmy was like “Vampire Diaries,” a show with like 8 season and a million episodes of course I was like “yeah, for sure.” 

Happy to have you all here on this journey. 

Emmy: The show starts off like probably 80% of vampire movies and television series begin: with fog rolling through trees and a main character narrating their Broody Thoughts. 

For over a century, I have lived in secret; hiding in the shadows, alone in the world. Until now. I am a vampire. And this is my story.

Very Law and Order: SVU but okay, sure. We’re making zero attempt to hide the fact that this guy is a vampire, so narrator will be known as Broody Vampire until we actually get his name.

Mari: To be fair, too, you clicked on a show called The Vampire Diaries, so I appreciate the showing being like “yeah, this is what you signed up for.”

Emmy: The camera pans off to the side and the same scene that is played out in the vast majority of scary movies unfolds here. A young, attractive couple is driving home on a dark, deserted road late at night and they’re messing with the radio and talking to each other about random nonsense.

Hapless Couple notices a person in the road seconds before they hit said person and their windshield cracks and the car spins. I did lol at this, as I’ve seen the kind of damage a deer can do to a car, but after some probably questionable Googling that definitely got me on a government watchlist of some sort, I verified hitting a person with your car will mostly likely only crack your windshield. A human’s center of mass is higher and you will probably only knock their legs out from under them.

Mari: My sister hit someone with her car once, but at much a slower speed when the person, who was on something, ran out into traffic. It only cracked her windshield. 

Emmy: As is dictated by this trope, the man goes out to examine the accident victim while the woman tries to call for help. Hapless Man crouches down to feel for a pulse, and we get a shot of a really ugly ring that will likely be used to help us identify the person who is most definitely not dead later. Most Definitely Not Dead guy jumps up, and we get a shot of fangs and a crunching sound.

Hapless Woman cannot get a signal (of course), gets out of the car to yell that there’s no signal, and can’t see Hapless Man, whose name we find out is Darren. She calls for him again. Darren is considerately dropped on the hood of the car behind her. Do vampires fly in this series? Did he climb a tree with the now-dead guy on his back or tucked under his arm just to drop him onto the car and make this drama happen? (M: I hope so to all of the above.)

Hapless Woman sees her dead boyfriend and his chewed-up neck. She screams and runs down the street, away from the car (with the keys in it, still running) and we see her lifted up, kicking and screaming, into the sky.

The scene fades to black and the title card appears, The Vampire Diaries, just in case you weren’t really sure that this is a vampire show. 

Mari: Drink for every time we see or hear “vampire?”

Emmy: I think for the first few episodes it will have to be “every time someone is obviously a vampire and no one else notices” shots, but once they get the vampy ball rolling, heck yes.

After the title card fades, we finally meet Broody Vampire, which is nice! He’s looking out at the sunrise and brooding about how he probably shouldn’t have come home. LOL yeah probs not man, if you’re going to nom on the locals, but okay. He says that he knows the risk, but he had no choice because he had to know her. 

Broody Vampire steps off the roof of the huge house he was brooding atop and lands on the ground and it’s actually kind of a cool, understated effect that gives me hope for this show’s CGI.

You only have to ponder who her is for a moment before we cut to our other main character, Elena, writing in her–gasp–diary. 

Today will be different. It has to be. I will smile, and it will be believable. My smile will say, “I’m fine, thank you. Yes, I feel much better.” I will no longer be the sad little girl who lost her parents. I will start fresh. Be someone new. It’s the only way I’ll make it through.

We cut to the kitchen, where a young woman we are introduced to as “Aunt Jenna” is offering to make toast. Elena’s younger brother takes the lunch money she offers, and we learn that it’s their first day of school. Elena informs her that they just need coffee.

Elena has the gall to ask her brother if he’s doing okay. He says “don’t start” and we are thus forewarned that Elena’s brother is probably not doing so well. Behind Elena is a TV where we see that there’s a news report on Hapless Couple’s death.

Car ride. Elena’s friend Bonnie is saying that her grandmother is certain that Bonnie is psychic, so we know that she’s obviously going to start doing psychic shit pretty much immediately. She says that their ancestors were from Salem, which is of course proof. (M: Listen to your grams, girlfriend.) (E: Always listen to spooky grams.)

Definitely Psychic Bonnie says that she predicted Obama and Heath Ledger (but not the accident that killed her best friend’s parents? That’s a very specific psychic gift you got there, Bon) so maybe she really is magical and all-knowing. She’s saying all of this while she’s driving her best friend Elena past the graveyard that we can assume, due to Elena’s expression, is where Elena’s parents are buried. Like, damn. Maybe on the first day of school find an alternate route, yeah?

Bonnie chastises Elena for zoning out (girl, you’re the one who drove her past the freaking graveyard but okay) and Elena apologizes for “doing it again.” Bonnie reminds her that she’s psychic now, and Elena says she should predict something about her.

Bonnie says, “I see…”

And they hit a bird.

Really show, twice in one episode?

Mari: Mystic Falls is a dangerous place to be a driver.

Emmy: The car spins out as Bonnie brakes hard and it’s all very dramatic for a moment, but everything’s fine. Bonnie apologizes a lot and it is implied that it was a car accident that killed Elena’s parents, so she’s understandably sensitive about screeching tires.

Bonnie predicts that “this year is going to kick ass [and] all the sad and dark times are over and [Elena is] going to be beyond happy.” The girls smile at each other like they’re in an afterschool special and pull away from the curb. The camera pans up and we get a shot of a crow sitting on a street sign and cawing at us. It can be assumed, due to the music that swells, that it was this Spooky Crow© who hit their windshield.

Mari: I feel like the vampire/crow should find a new plan or strategy. Like, flinging yourself at windshields has got to be the not best way to do this. 

Emmy: I mean, he’s got a strategy, man, and it seems to work so far. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it right?

Mystic Falls High School. People are doing normal first-day-of-school things like hugging and laughing and whatnot. Brooding Vampire is walking through the crowd and people keep staring at him, I’m assuming either because he’s incredibly hot or because this is a tiny town and he’s new.

Bonnie and Elena are also walking through the halls, and Bonnie is complaining of the “major lack of male real estate” so we can definitely assume Brooding Vampire is hot now. She goes on to say, “Look at that shower curtain on Kelly Beach. She looks a hot- can I still say ‘tranny mess?’”

1. Oh cool, so Bonnie is kind of a terrible human being? Awesome, I’m glad we got that out of the way early.
2. Bonnie, some people don’t have money to shop at the couture stores you shop at. Some of us can only afford whatever Goodwill has on sale, and people like you make people like poor Kelly Beach feel unwelcome and unsafe because of bougie assholes like you judging her for her limited clothing options.
3. IT WAS NEVER OKAY TO SAY THAT. This is a derogatory slur and how about you never use that phrase again because it’s rude to that subset of humans?

Mari: I cringed so hard. It’s weird because there are moments throughout where this show feels not so old (an Obama reference? Like yesterday!) and times when I was like dear god, please no. And while that word was never okay, the fact that it was ON TV IN THIS WAY is so 2009 it hurts. 

Emmy: Elena laughs and says, “no, that’s over,” and I attempt to not throw something at my TV because again, that was never actually okay to say but whatever, the show is moving on.

Elena turns to see a tall, attractive blonde boy watching her with an expression that says he watched her run over his puppy. Elena waves a little, and he closes his locker and walks in the opposite direction without saying anything. Elena sighs and turns back to Bonnie, complaining that “he” hates her. “That’s not hate. That’s ‘you dumped me but I’m too cool to show it, but secretly I’m listening to Air Supply’s Greatest Hits.” Okay, one point for you, Bonnie. I still hate you for being a judgey asshole, but that was funny. 

Their little moment is broken up by the introduction of Caroline, a perky blonde who is definitely the token vapid cheerleader type. She hugs Elena and says it’s really good to see her. She then asks Bonnie how Elena is doing, which is kind of weird. Elena says she’s fine. Caroline hugs her again, then vanishes off into the hallway now that she’s made her introductory appearance.

We cut to Elena’s brother, Jeremy, giving pills to a girl named Vicki. So yeah, our guesstimate that Jeremy was not doing so great is definitely true. Vicki’s boyfriend Tyler appears and starts insulting Jeremy’s fingernail polish, and I LOL forever because it’s so obvious that Jeremy is in love/lust with Vicki, and Tyler knows it. The overabundance of testosterone here is vomit-inducing– why don’t they just pee on her and mark their territory that way?

We return to Elena and Bonnie, who stop outside the office and look in to see Broody Vampire.

Broody Vampire is talking to a woman we can assume is some kind of records-keeper. She says that they are missing his immunization records and transcripts, without which he cannot enroll there. Broody Vampire is wearing sunglasses (indoors!!) and I assume the only reason he is doing that is so that he can dramatically remove them now. He looks at her and asks to please look again, that everything she needs is there.

Secretary Lady stares up at him all hypnotized-like, then blinks and is like HAHA YEAH NO OF COURSE IT’S ALL HERE HOW SILLY OF ME. 

Okay, so I have to rant about this for a second. Why is this a thing? Why do vampires or werewolves or *insert whatever incredibly powerful, immortal being here* feel the need to enroll in freaking high school? Who would go through high school more than once? Why would you leave a paper trail? Let’s be real- wouldn’t it make more sense and leave less evidence if you’re being “homeschooled” or whatever, and you hang out with your love interest in your free time? 

Why not… I don’t know, take college classes, or learn how to do something productive for society as a whole? Pretend you’re in your twenties and volunteer to clean up the animal shelter or something, make a difference in the world. That’s going to be more attractive to your love interest than aceing History for the hundredth time.

Mari: I legitimately had this same rant a couple of paragraphs ago before I kept reading and was like OH OKAY, SHE’S GOT IT COVERED. If you think it takes being a high school boy to get a high school girl to fall in love with you, lol. Not that I’m condoning being a million year old creature dating A TEENAGER, but I’m just saying, if you are going to be creepy, now you are just creepy and wasting your time in high school. 

Emmy: Elena looks around from ogling Broody Vampire’s bedazzled booty just in time to see her brother heading into the bathroom as someone yells, “Jeremy, good batch man!” (M: Um, that’s how you get on the receiving end of a locker search, Random Yelling Student.) (E: That would require an adult to do their job and in YA that never happens unless it’s plot-convenient.)

Elena chases her brother into the bathroom, immediately assuming it’s drugs, not brownies, that they’re talking about. In the bathroom, Jeremy is putting eye drops in his eyes and a few guys are freaked out that Elena’s in there, which is funny to me. Most high school boys I know (I teach over two hundred of them) would probably make remarks about her butt or something to sound cool, but whatever.

Elena accuses Jeremy of being stoned and tries to go through his pockets to find the drugs he’s taking/selling and he takes offense to this. He accuses Elena of being crazy. She informs him that he hasn’t seen crazy.

“I gave you a summer pass, but I am done watching you destroy yourself. You know what? Go ahead. Keep it up. But just know that I am going to be there to ruin your buzz every time, you got it?”

I don’t know what the solution to having an addicted sibling is, to be honest with you, but I doubt that threatening to “ruin [their] buzz” is it. Next time Jeremy is about to hit that blunt he’ll be like “Aw damn, but Elena’s gonna ruin my buzz, I guess I can’t…”

Jeremy leaves the bathroom and we cut to Bonnie, who is still, ten minutes later, staring at Broody Vampire. Broody Vampire turns and walks out of the office and Bonnie’s eye-widening tells us that he’s definitely hot, so uh… yay? Caroline also gives him the Eyes.

Broody Vampire walks down the hall, and Elena comes out of the bathroom just in time to run into him and be all awkward about just coming out of the men’s room because Broody Vampire is dickish enough to mention it. 

We do finally get to see Broody Vampire’s face though, nine minutes into the show. He is incredibly attractive; we can all rest easy. 

We cut to history class, where Elena and Broody Vampire do some eye-flirting as they glance at each other across the room.

    This is not lost on Air Supply Playlist Matt, whose strong jaw is displeased with this development, or on Bonnie, who sends a text to Elena that says Hawt-e. Staring @ U. (M: If you ever texted like this, ever, identify yourself in the comments. I just want to talk.) 

Elena walks home after school and goes to the graveyard to sit across from her parents’ grave and write in her diary. That makes sense, and I’m not going to snark that part at all. Even as a senior in college, I called my mom after my first day of classes just to talk about the way it went and how I was feeling about the upcoming year.

What I AM going to snark, though, is that she says that she assured people she was fine like a hundred times and no one noticed that she was lying. Well… I mean… no, that’s not true, Elena. Bonnie knew you weren’t okay and so did Caroline. They was just accepting your answer because you were being so adamant. Most of us don’t have deep psychological discussions with our friends over serious trauma right there in a public hallway. But okay, sure Elena, no one noticed.

Mari: Yeah, imagine if it went, “how are you?” “fine.” “LIAR.” Also a less than ideal experience.

Emmy: Spooky Crow© makes a reappearance and lands on Elena’s parents’ headstone and caws at her a couple times. She says hello which, okay, I also talk to wild animals when I see them nearby, and then notices a thick, creepy fog surrounding her.

This spurs Elena to put her journal down, stand up, and try to shoo the bird away. I’m not sure why she didn’t leave the bird alone, but okay, maybe she didn’t want it shitting on her parents’ headstone, which is fair.

Mari: It was looking at her! SHOO, SHOO.

Emmy: Only Broody Vampire can look at her.

When she turns around, Spooky Crow© is on the angel or whatever she’d been leaning on. Freaked, Elena picks up her bag and runs off, which is probably why she didn’t die here. She does not, however, pick up her journal. We get a shot of someone standing behind another angel statue and watching her run away, but their face is hidden. It’s just as obvious that it isn’t Broody Vampire as it is obvious that the writers want you to think that it is. 

Elena runs off and falls down a little ridge or cliff or something. When she turns around, there’s Broody Vampire! She asks if he was following her and he’s like uh no, I just saw you fall, klutz. Elena’s all uh-huh and you just so happened to be hanging out in a cemetery. He says that he’s visiting because he has family there. Since we know he’s a vampire and vampires traditionally sleep in coffins, I LOL a lot. Elena’s all omg yeah right other people have dead family too, I’m so sorry for assuming you’re a creeper. 

Mari: I mean, but also, probably go with your gut and assume he’s a creeper.

Emmy: This little scene is actually kind of cute, and the actors do have a little bit of chemistry here as she tries to explain that she was freaked out by fog and a bird and introduces herself to him properly for the first time. We find out that Broody Vampire’s name is actually Stefan, which is a fairly normal name for a vampire. I approve.

They have a moment of eye-flirting, and then Elena notices the ring that Stefan is wearing. It’s the same ring that the Most Definitely Not Dead guy was wearing, underlining that it’s supposed to be Stefan doing all the killings. Potentially it is, but I don’t buy it. This isn’t HBO; the main love interest isn’t going to be a morally ambiguous vampire who kills people like that. (M: Not in season 1, at least…) (E: *coughspoilerscough*) 

Stefan kind of brushes off the ring thing, saying it’s a “family thing” and he’s kind of stuck with it. Elena clearly thinks it’s ugly af but doesn’t come right out and say it.

It is at this point, a full minute and a half after they run into each other (I checked) that Stefan asks if she hurt herself. Elena rolls up her pant leg and yep, there’s blood. Big bad vampire can’t smell a wound like that immediately? Goddamn. Those must be some thick denims you got on there, Elena.

Stefan turns away and his eyes blacken, the skin around them darkening a lot as he vamps out. I actually kind of like the effect; it’s somewhat subtle but definitely recognizable. Better than Angel’s vampy face, anyways. (M: Not hard to accomplish.)

Elena’s all “no, haha i’m fine” but when she turns around, Stefan has vanished. Good job being all human there, Stef. Like, I get that you don’t want to eat her or anything, but at least do an Edward Cullen “It’s the fluorescents” or something and run off, damn. “Obviously a vampire” shots, everybody!

We cut to a big beautiful house where Stefan is writing in a diary (HIS VAMPIRE DIARY) (M: Woooow, show. Wow.) and brooding about “losing control.” He says he’s simply not able to resist her, that everything is coming up to the surface that he’s tried to keep buried, etc.

And then we pan down to show her diary on his desk and I’m like, wait. Did he go back and get it from her parents’ gravesite later? Because creepy Most Definitely Not Dead guy was watching her, standing next to where she left the diary. Elena saw Stefan down in the ravine and he vanished. Did he… stumble across it later? Did he smell it out? I really don’t think that Stefan is Most Definitely Not Dead guy, but if he isn’t, then Stefan having Elena’s diary makes no sense.

Mari: I assumed that Most Definitely Not Dead and Stefan were indeed both stalking her. That’s what I’m always going to assume.

Emmy: Oooh of course! Most of us only get stalked by like one creepy vampire. She gets stalked by TWO. #suckitBellaSwan

We cut to a bar/pool hall where the local teenagers hang out. Vicki is waitressing, and Jeremy tries to talk to her. She blows him off with a “working,” and goes over to where Tyler and Air Supply Playlist Matt are sitting. She and Tyler give each other fuck-me-eyes over a basket of fries. As she heads out, Matt is all “dude, are you banging my sister?”

Tyler assures him that he would never do that and Matt’s like uh-huh sure okay. He seems to take it pretty well, but that’s his business, I guess? When I found out that one of my douchey friends liked my sister, I definitely did not handle it that coolly, but okay, Matt, you’re going through some stuff with the Elena feelings.

Vicki heads back to get the sexy refill Tyler ordered, and Jeremy starts back up, informing her that this hot and cold stuff isn’t okay with him. Apparently they were good all summer and then as soon as school started back up, Jeremy is old news. Vicki says that she appreciates all the sweet drugs, but he can’t keep following her around like a lost puppy. Which, you know, fair. 

But then Jeremy says, “When’s the last time you had sex with a puppy?”

I get that they’re not implying anything other than playing off her calling him a puppy but that wording is so weird.

Vicki snaps that she wants him to STFU because she doesn’t want the whole world to know she “deflowered Elena’s kid brother.” Deflowered? What teenager even says that? Jeremy goes, “And deflowered and deflowered…” and okay we get it, Jeremy, y’all banged a lot this summer and you have feels that it stopped.

Vicki tells Jeremy to back up because things are going good with her and Tyler. Jeremy says that Tyler is a total douche (true) and he only wants Vicki for her ass (probably true). Vicki turns on him and says, “Yeah? What do you want me for?”

It’s a very Swan Princess moment. There’s a scene in that movie where the princess asks her prince what else he likes about her besides her beauty and he goes, “what else is there?”

Like, Jeremy. Bro. Come up with something, anything, aside from her face or body and you might actually have won her just now. But he just looks at her, and she pushes past him, leaving him alone with his unrequited feels.

Caroline comes in with Bonnie and tells us that Stefan’s last name is Salvatore, he lives with his uncle at “the old Salvatore boarding house” and he hasn’t lived here since he was a kid since his family is military. He’s also a Gemini, and his favorite color is blue. Bonnie’s all, you got that in a day? And Caroline laughs. “I got that between third and fourth period.” I’m LOLing imagining someone asking Stefan what his favorite color is or his star sign on the first day of school. Like, how did she get all of this information? Is the secretary particularly chatty? Were there ice breaker “First Day” scenes that we didn’t get to watch? Caroline informs Bonnie that they’re planning a June wedding, and I sigh because the inevitable letdown is going to be rough on this girl.

We cut back to Elena at her house, and she tells Aunt Jenna that she’s going to The Grill. Elena opens the door to see Stefan standing creepily on her doorstep. He says he’s here to apologize for disappearing on her earlier and says he knows it was weird. She says it was weird but she gets it, that blood makes him squeamish. He laughs a little and asks after her leg and kinda evades the question about how he knew where she lived.

Mari: All the Stalker Boyfriend Memes and tags are going to be so useful here. Fifty Shades paved the way on this blog for TVD. We are ready. 

Emmy: Stefan gives Elena back her journal and she’s like omg YAY. He assures her that he didn’t read it,and she’s all “…really?” Stefan says that no, he didn’t, because he wouldn’t want someone reading his journal. Elena gets all excited about the idea of how they’re so similar because they both journal. They’re practically the same person. 

Elena steps away for a second to put her diary away. She says to Stefan as she walks away that, he “doesn’t have to stay out there.” Stefan steps up to the doorway and looks around at the doorposts, but doesn’t come in, and says it’s okay. This actually excited me. I am a huge vampire nerd, and I love the old folklore where they were actually creepy and complicated. In folklore, vampires were not able to enter any home where they had not been explicitly invited. Very few modern writers incorporate this particular myth into their vampy creations, but it could be such a fun plot device. I actually love seeing it here.

After a bit more conversation, we cut to The Grill, where Matt and Bonnie are sitting and talking about Elena. Matt asks Bonnie how she’s doing. Bonnie’s all, “dude, her parents just died sooo…” We find out that it’s only been four months since her parents died, which… ouch. It’s good and fresh then.

Bonnie says Matt needs to just call Elena and talk to her. He sad pandas that he cannot, actually, just call her since the whole breaking up thing happened and it’s awkward. Bonnie says that Elena just needs some time to get over things… and that’s when Elena walks in with Stefan and I just

Matt gets up and does a little masculine posturing, introducing himself to Stefan and talking to Elena, but it’s not terrible. I mean, it’s definitely a little aggressive but it’s not the Tyler/Jeremy scene from before, so.

We cut to Stefan sitting with Elena, Caroline, and Bonnie. Caroline is questioning him on random things, and Stefan says that his parents passed away. Elena obviously has feelings about this and asks if he has any siblings. “None I talk to,” he says. Something is definitely up with that.

Caroline suggestively asks Stefan to go to a party the next day, a “back to school thing” that they have at “the falls,” which is where I assume the name Mystic Falls came from. Stefan looks at Elena all intenselike and asks if she’s going before he answers, and somehow Caroline still thinks she has a chance.

We cut to Stefan changing and a guy I assume is his “uncle” walks into the room, all angry. “You promised,” he says, brandishing a newspaper with Hapless Couple’s faces on the front. Stefan looks at the headline and is all “dude, the newspaper says it’s an animal attack, what’s your deal?” 

Zach wins in my book forever because he shakes his head and says, “Don’t give me that. I know the game. You tear them up enough, they always suspect an animal attack. You said you had it under control.” Zach is by all appearances a fragile little human accusing a vampire of killing people. He takes no shit. I love Zach.

Stefan is offended by the implication that he’s nomming on people, and Zach calls him “Uncle Stefan,” which must have been weird for the thirty-something actor to call the nineteen/twenty-year-old dude his uncle.

Mari: Okay, wait, this made me curious about actor ages when the show aired. Paul Wesley (Stefan, who was turned at 18) was 27. Kat Graham (Bonnie, 16) was 20. Candice King (Caroline, 16) was 22. Nina Dobrev (Elena, 16) was 20. Chris William Martin (Uncle Zach) was 34. Slightly interesting information, my curiosity is satisfied, and Chris William Martin probably didn’t feel THAT weird calling Paul Wesley Uncle. 

Emmy: It never fails to amuse me how literally NO show or movie employs actual teenagers to play teenagers. They’re always college-age actors or older.

Zach says that Mystic Falls is a different place now. “It’s been quiet for years, but there are people who still remember.” They argue, and Zach says that he knows Stefan can’t change what he is, but Stefan doesn’t belong here anymore. Stefan sad pandas that he might not belong anywhere. Zach’s just like “k, well goodnight.”

Stefan opens up a cabinet that has a bunch of journals in it, all labeled with different years. Not even locked or anything, Stefan. What if someone broke in? He picks up one and opens it, and in the pages is a picture of Elena, dressed up in old-style clothes with her hair all curled up. It’s labeled Katherine, 1864, just in case we thought he did some proper Christian Grey stalking and found one of those pictures your parents make you take at old-timey faires.

Back in school, we are in History class (the only class we’ve seen them in so far, even though Stefan informed us that Elena has English and French with him–is it because the rest of their friends aren’t there in the other classes?) and we are talking about the Battle of Willow Creek, which apparently took place at the end of the Civil War, in Mystic Falls. The teacher asks Bonnie how many casualties there were. Bonnie says, “a lot? I’m not sure, but a whole lot.”

The teacher decides to disparage his student. “Cute becomes dumb in an instant, Ms. Bennett,” he informs her. No. You don’t ever call your students dumb, even as a “joke.” It clearly bothers Bonnie, and the other students laugh.

The teacher (apparently his name is Mr. Tanner) calls on Matt next. “Would you like to take this opportunity to overcome your embedded jock stereotype?” he asks. Matt grins and says no, he’s cool with said stereotype. That was actually kinda cute. If you have that relationship with your students, you can tease them a little about that kind of thing. There is a subtle difference between those interactions.

BUT THEN Tanner calls on Elena. When she says that she doesn’t know, Tanner says this bullshit; “I was willing to be lenient last year for obvious reasons, Elena, but the personal excuses ended with summer break.”

*deep breathing*

I am a teacher. I understand the frustration when your students don’t understand something or you feel like they’re not paying attention. But you never address their trauma like that in a classroom. Never. It doesn’t matter if every single kid in that room is their best friend and has an intimate knowledge of the situation, you never do that to one of your kids. I have to restrain myself from throwing something at the TV again.

Of course, Stefan then speaks up and gives the exact number of casualties and remarks that’s only if you don’t count the civilian casualties. (Can this be part of the “obvious vampire” drinking game? Since this is a thing characters who live a long time do ALL THE TIME?) Tanner asks if Stefan is a relation to the Salvatore people who settled Mystic Falls. Someone’s going to find a picture of Stefan settling Mystic Falls, isn’t he? I sigh as Stefan says they were distant relations. Tanner congratulates him on his answer but smarms that there were no civilian casualties. Stefan politely informs him that there were, in fact, twenty-seven people who died in a church shooting, and the documents pertaining to those casualties are at City Hall if Tanner wants to brush up on facts.

We cut to the evening at the falls and pan down to a building of some sort where people are standing around bonfires and drinking and dancing to music and making out here and there. Stefan walks in and uses his super-hearing to find out where Elena is, sorting through the voices and noises to eavesdrop on her conversation with Bonnie about him. Rude.

Caroline pops up like a horror movie monster, all pep and excitement, and he kinda blows her off but allows her to help him get a drink. Meanwhile, Bonnie and Elena are talking about the psychic thing again. Elena kids that Bonnie needs a crystal ball and holds out a beer bottle to Bonnie.

When Bonnie reaches out to take it and their hands touch, predictably she has a Vison.

She says it’s a crow, and fog, and darkness or whatever. Elena just stares at her, and Bonnie says she’s just drunk, so it’s not a big deal. She stumbles away to get a refill and Elena just stares after her instead of questioning her more like a normal human being.

When Elena turns back around Stefan is there and his suddenness scares her. Stefan knows that Elena’s upset about something and Elena fumbles through half an answer, then says, “you know what? Never mind. You’re here.” And they go on to eye-flirt a little more. Vicki and Tyler head off into the woods and Jeremy watches them, but we’re still following Elena and Stefan as they head up to the romantical bridge above the falls.

Elena tells Stefan that he’s got a mysterious thing going on and that’s why he’s so interesting. Stefan says she does too, but it’s “twinged with sadness.” That line annoys me. For the most part, unlike Edward Cullen or a million other examples, Stefan doesn’t speak like an old-timey vampire. His dialogue is similar to Elena’s or Bonnie’s. But then they shove phrases like that into his mouth and it’s just like ugh STFU with the weird old-timey speak.

Mari: I’m reserving judgement. If they are consistent enough to let him slip up and occasionally use dated language, that’s a super cool detail. I would compare it to slipping up and speaking a second language when you are are focused, emotional, or trying to find the right words. 

Emmy: Oooh, I hadn’t thought about that, but you’re right. That would actually be super cute if that continued here and there.

Stefan kind of pushes her a little to ask why she’s so sad. She eventually reveals that her parents died four months ago when their car drove off a bridge into a lake. She was in the backseat and was the only survivor, which is awful. Stefan tells her that she won’t be sad forever and she nods a little, and I like that. He’s not saying to get over it, he’s just saying that at some point it won’t hurt so much. A+ and four points for you, Stefan.

Mari: Also loved it. It’s so easy to fall back on the “are you okay?” which through Elena’s (admittedly kind of cheesy) voice overs, we’ve found puts her in the situation of having to lie, especially since so few people have created space for her grief, from her best friends to her teachers. Stefan acknowledges her grief, but tells her it won’t hurt forever. Very good.

Emmy: We cut to Tyler and Vicki in the woods, and they are predictably making out. Vicki says no, that she’s not having sex against a tree. Tyler says it would be hot and keeps going. We see Jeremy walking up and Vicki is angry now and telling Tyler that he is hurting her, asking him to stop. Jeremy intervenes. Tyler makes a shitty comment about how he never thought he’d hear Vicki say no to anything and leaves. So there’s another irredeemably bad character for you.

Vicki is pissed and shouts at Jeremy that she was fine and Tyler was drunk, that it was no big deal. Jeremy tells her that he’s drunk, but he’s not pushing himself on her, and she informs him that he’s worse than Tyler because Jeremy wants to talk to her and get to know her. She leaves him and heads off alone into the woods.

We cut back to Elena and Stefan, who are still on the romantical bridge, talking about her friends. Stefan asks about Matt, because he didn’t miss the male posturing from earlier. Elena explains that they’ve always been friends and they had just tried to date to see if it would work out, but then her parents died and everything was rough. There was no passion there though, so it wouldn’t have worked anyway. The eye-flirting these two are doing indicates that there is Big Passion here.

Stefan starts to get all vampy and I’m confused here. Is someone bleeding? Is he… is he horny? Do vampires get all vampy when they’re horny? I don’t know, guys. Anyways, this serves to separate him from Elena. 

We see Vicki tromping through the woods and anyone can guess that she’s about to die. Fog starts rolling in, she calls for someone and there’s no one there, she gets tackled, screaming and blood, yada yada.

Elena’s back at the bonfire, looking for Stefan but Matt’s there instead, talking about his Big Feelings. She’s trying to explain that It’s Not Me It’s You and Matt informs her that he believes in “us” and isn’t going away. Then he goes away. LOL.

Caroline stops Stefan on the way back and flirts hard, and Stefan shuts her down and says that they are never going to happen. She is predictably sad about this.

Jeremy walks off into the woods and he’s stumbling, so Elena chases after him and tells Stefan to stay there. Jeremy trips over Vicki’s dead body and starts freaking out. Vicki wakes up at this point so we know she isn’t dead and they carry her back to the group, yelling that someone needs to call an ambulance. Matt looks up and across the flames at his sister’s bloody body. He sees Stefan staring at Vicki and then turn and run off. Matt’s expression indicates that he will not be forgetting that particular tidbit of information.

Stefan runs home and slams open the door. Zach’s all “what’s up??” Stefan runs upstairs, yelling about how people are getting attacked and it’s not him doing it. Stefan runs up to his room and realizes the door is open. Spooky Crow© flies into the room and Stefan turns to see the man I was utterly obsessed with for YEARS after this series began; Ian Somerhalder. My forever crush says, “hello, brother” and I’m so pleased that he is here finally.

 

Mari: Ian Somberhalder was 31 when this aired.

Also, I rage quit this show mostly because of Damon, so this should be INTERESTING lol.

Emmy: OH NO. I only watched like… four? Five? episodes of this and stopped and I was mostly interested in how attractive he was, not the character himself. Ah, youth. The font of much stupidity.

Forever Crush (okay, his name is Damon) talks about how great the Spooky Crow© and his spooky fog is. Stefan informs us that he hasn’t seen Damon in fifteen years, to which Damon responds, “Thank God, I couldn’t stand another day of the nineties. That horrible grunge look? Did not suit you.” And I LOL a lot because Stefan’s so serious, and Damon is already so much fun.

Mari: He’s FUN about his murderous rampage!

Emmy: Okay that’s fair. I’m a sucker for a villian that makes me laugh. It’s my fatal flaw.

Mari: I get it. My fatal flaw is that my sense of justice prevents me from “liking” most villains. What a team!

Emmy: Stefan asks why Damon is here. Damon hates small towns because there’s nothing to do. Damon agrees and admits that he is Most Definitely Not Dead guy. Damon knows that Stefan likes Elena and intimates that this is the reason Stefan is in Mystic Falls… which I thought we already knew.

We cut back to the falls, where Vicki is being loaded onto a stretcher. Bonnie says that there’s no way she’s psychic, but she knows that whatever is happening is… just the beginning. DUM DUM DUUUUUUUMMMMM.

Cut back to Damon and Stefan, and Damon says that Elena looks just like Katherine. Stefan informs him that she’s not Katherine, so we know this is going to be a big deal later. Damon laughs and asks when was the last time that Stefan drank human blood. He kinda smacks Stefan around a bit and provokes him like a little kid who is trying to get a rise out of someone, and eventually he hits the right button and Stefan vamps out and tackles him out the window. 

Stefan ends up on the ground alone, Damon standing off to the side laughing because Stefan surprised him, but Stefan is still considered small potatoes since he only eats Bambi. Damon is much stronger than Stefan, due to the human blood diet, which is weirdly common throughout modern retellings.

Damon took Stefan’s ring during the tackling incident, and it is revealed that the rings that they both have are the reason that they can be in the sunlight. Magical sunwalker rings! Frost from Blade would be so jealous. He had to use sunscreen.

We cut to Bonnie and Caroline at The Grill, drinking coffee so they can sober up and drive home. But… how did they get here…? I don’t know. Anyways, Caroline is sad about the fact that she never gets the guys that she wants, that she always says the wrong thing, and Elena always says the right thing and that Stefan picked Elena without even trying, etc. Bonnie doesn’t really have any advice for that, seeing as Elena’s her best friend, but goes to get them more coffee.

We cut to Vicki in the hospital with Matt sitting beside her. Vicki wakes up, grabs Matt, and rasps out, “vampire.” Matt’s expression says that he’s connecting the dots, and I would assume by the way he lingered on Stefan leaving earlier, he’s going to suspect Stefan.

We cut to Elena writing in her diary next to the window, so she sees Stefan coming up the drive. As Elena and Stefan moodily narrate over the wailing music, we see Jeremy looking at a photo of his parents, Caroline and Damon giving each other fuck-me eyes at The Grill, Jenna watching Jeremy be sad, and Bonnie getting coffee. Elena opens the door for Stefan and they dialogue for a while about how they’re not okay and how easy it is to say that you are. Then Elena officially asks Stefan into the house, so he can walk through the door, which is nice. The door swings closed and the credits roll!

As my boyfriend (I made him watch it with me) said, “That wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever seen.”

Mari: Listen, I’ve seen a lot of bad things and this was not the worst. It’s sticking pretty closely to a lot of tropes, but it’s a pilot and a 2009 pilot, so that is to be expected. The cast is very pretty, they all have lots of emotions, we have a mystery of sorts in the Elena/Katherine thing– it did fine for what it was tasked with. Solid C.

Emmy: Hmm I’ll give it a C+ for a few tropes that I haven’t seen in a bit and my favorite vampy lore.

 

 

Next time on The Vampire Diaries: A comet, a kiss, and more suspicious behavior in S01 E02 – The Night of the Comet.