Twilight Chapter 04 – Premonitions of RAGE

This post was originally published on October 6, 2015. It has been lightly edited to better reflect our current style.
Previously: Edward saved Bella’s life. RUDE.
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Kirsti: Continuing on from yesterday’s total lack of a cliffhanger, Bella tells us all about her Edward dream. In it, “what dim light there was seemed to be radiating from Edward’s skin.” Because he glows as well as sparkling, apparently. Oh. Sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself. Anyway, Dream!Edward continually walks away from Bella no matter what she does. LOL.

Marines: I’m going to go ahead and call a red flag on dreams of your crush glowing in the dark and running away from you. Also WHAT THE CHEATERY, SKIN-GLOWING NARRATION HELL? Is Bella a prophet? Please just tell this Snow if the answer is yes so I can stop asking HOW SHE KNOWS SO MUCH. 

K: Either way, we get to use our dreams, visions and premonitions tag, so…yay?

Anyway, Edward features in her dreams every night from that point on. Girl. Your subconscious has issues. (M: Things E.L. James copied shot!) A month passes, Bella whines about being the centre of attention, and Tyler joins Mike and Eric in following Bella around like a puppy. No one gives a fuck about Edward’s side of the story, and Bella finds this intriguing. Um. He’s a clique-y, anti-social dick. Of course no one wants to go ask him what happened. (M: He’d probably just sing at people with his musical voice and stare them down with his careful eyes. Who wants that?)

Biology class continues to be weird. Edward sits as far away from Bella as possible, and ignores her constantly. Except when he clenches his fists. Bella’s thought process is as follows:

“He wished he hadn’t pulled me from the path of Tyler’s van – there was no other conclusion I could come to.” 

Um. Maybe he wants you to stop being a creeper and staring at him all the time? You know, like you keep accusing Eric and Mike and Tyler of doing?? JUST A THOUGHT.

Catherine: Or, like, he’s just not even thinking about her at all. If she’s ~~oh so~~ humble and ordinary like she claims you’d think that would be her first conclusion. 

K: Valid point.

Bella informs us that she’s still super pissed that Edward was super pissed outside the hospital. But then, “overnight, the heat of my anger faded into awed gratitude.” Uuuuuuuuuugh.

Seeing as how she’s not mad any more, she decides to be nice to him in class. He gives her a tiny nod, then goes back to ignoring her. This makes Bella sad panda, and it’s so obvious that she’s mopey, that her mother stoops so low as to phone and check if she’s okay. Bella blames the weather. Mike, meanwhile, is super thrilled that Edward’s ignoring Bella and is also super thrilled that his beach trip can go ahead because the snow vanishes after Bella’s accident, courtesy of contrivance.

Annie: I’m glad I’m not the only person questioning the passage of time, weather and seasons in this book. Like, yeah, I lived in Australia where the seasons don’t have that much variation, so maybe I’m not used to the season-change thing, but going from deadly ice storm, to beach weather, in a month? That seems like some grade A timey-whimey BS to me.

Mari: I’m more concerned with how the hell Bella knows that Mike was worried that she would fall for Edward after the accident and that he was relieved now that Edward was being icy toward her. Stephenie Meyer IS SO BAD AT THIS. Things you can say: Mike watched us carefully. Mike seemed more attached to me these days. Mike scowled at Edward. THESE are the things that a first person narration allows for. Randomly KNOWING that Mike was worried about a post car-accident hook-up IS CHEATING OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO DIE HERE, AREN’T I?

K: Die of rage? Yes. We all are.

Oh hey! It’s time to break out the Another Effing Dance tag! Jessica phones Bella to ask permission to ask Mike to the “girls’ choice spring dance.” Bella’s all “why the fuck would I care about Mike?” because she’s the worst. Also, she hates having fun, so she’s definitely not going to the dance. Jessica tries to convince her to go, but Bella’s all “LOL NOPE” because “I suspected that Jessica enjoyed my inexplicable popularity more than my actual company.” Ugh. Worst.

Mari: Stupid, since Jessica was the first person who talked to Bella, back when she was new in town, incapable of learning the name Jessica, and also lying to everyone she met. So. Jessica is a saint.

K: Truth.

The next day, Bella’s surprised that Jessica’s a little standoffish but decides it’s because Mike turned her down. Things get awkward when Mike walks Bella to class and is all “Sooooooo, I kinda sorta told Jessica maybe because I was hoping you’d ask me to the dance.” Bella’s too busy focusing on Edward being nearby to care. She tells him to have all the fun with Jessica, and Mike sad pandas.

Bella notices that Edward’s eavesdropping and tells Mike that she’s totes not going to the super gross dance with her super gross classmates. He wants to know why, and she says she’s going to Seattle that day. Mike sad pandas some more, and Bella basically forces him into accepting Jessica. He walks away, and Bella realises Edward’s staring at her like a creeper. She stares back, and is surprised when he doesn’t look away. They continue to creepily stare at each other until “My hands begin to shake.” Girl, that ain’t normal. (A: None of this is normal. NONE OF IT.) (C: Maybe he was trying to blow her up with his mind.)

Luckily, their staring competition is interrupted by the teacher calling on Edward to answer a question. Of course Edward knows the answer despite the fact that he wasn’t paying attention in class. Bella hides behind her hair because of emotions, and gets embarrassed for herself because it’s pathetic and unhealthy to have that kind of reaction over a boy looking at her. PREACH. If only you spent more time being this self aware.

Unfortunately, it’s short lived. The bell rings and Edward says her name, which leads to this piece of puke-worthy nonsense:

“His voice shouldn’t have been so familiar to me, as if I’d known the sound of it all my life rather than for just a few short weeks.”

She snippily asks if he’s speaking to her again, and he smirks and says he’s not. Whut. (M: Edward, you definitely are.) Bella asks what he wants, and Edward tells her that he knows he’s being a total dick but it’s better if they’re not friends. Bella interprets this as him regretting saving her life. No, honey, that’s me. *I* regret him saving your dumbass life.

Annie: I also regret him saving her life. This book could be over already, but no. He had to go and save her life. THANKS, EDWARD.

Mari: Let’s also never forget that this book would’ve been over, had it not been for EMILY. DAMMIT, EMILY.

K: Edward gets pissy, which makes Bella pissy. She tries to storm out of the room, but SURPRISE! She’s clumsy as fuck and drops her books everywhere. Edward helps her pick them up, and she storms off to gym. Which sucks because they’re playing basketball now, and “I fell down a lot.” Apparently it’s because she’s so busy thinking about Edward that she doesn’t know how to stand upright. No, seriously. That’s what she says. I’ve come to the conclusion that Bella is an Infomercial Person. You know the ones:

Catherine: A+ (M: And 1430.)

K: School finishes, and she basically sprints to the Wow. Free. Truck. She mopes about the damage that it took when she nearly got crushed by a van, then freaks because there’s a dude leaning on her Wow. Free. Truck. Sadly, it’s Eric. He asks her to the Another Effing Dance, and she’s surprised because she thought this was a girls’ choice deal. It is. She says she’ll be in Seattle. Eric sad pandas away, and Edward – because of fucking course he’s there – laughs.

He’s walking in front of the W.F.T., so Bella revs the engine and backs out. But Edward’s magically at his car and has cut her off like a fucking jerk. She’s forced to sit there while all his pretty pretty siblings wander over to the car. (M: What a turd.) As a result, a queue forms behind her and Taylor takes advantage of it to ask her to the Another Effing Dance. After she delivers her out-of-town excuse yet again, she looks up to see Edward staring at her in his rearview mirror. And he’s laughing because he has super hearing. (M: WHICH BELLA DOESN’T KNOW AND HE COULD BE LAUGHING AT ANYTHING IS THIS WHAT CARDIAC ARREST FEELS LIKE?) Bella fights the urge to accelerate into the back of his car. 

Catherine: I’m so with her here, honestly. This part always irritated me and made Edward seem like a jerk. As well as all the other parts. 

K: ALL THE PARTS.

She heads home and gives us too much detail about making dinner. Then Jessica calls to squee about Mike saying yes to the dance. Jessica also mentions two random characters from school – Angela and Lauren – whose sole purpose thus far is so that Eric and Tyler potentially don’t have to go stag.

Phone call over, Bella tries to focus on chopping chicken so that she doesn’t have to go to the emergency room, but she can’t focus because EDWARD. Did you guys get it yet? SHE CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT EDWARD. Has Steph mentioned that before? Let’s mention it again just in case.

God, talk about being hit over the head with the Anvil of Obvious Storytelling.

Bella tears up about the fact that Edward doesn’t want to tap that and blames it on the onions. LOL. Then she tells herself to ignore him 5eva and focus on getting into a university somewhere warm. Charlie comes home and is suspicious that the food contains green peppers. (M: …okay.) Bella asks permission to go to Seattle because Forks sucks balls. He worries about her getting lost, and offers to go with her. Bella’s all “EW NO” and tells him she’ll be trying on clothes all day so he’d be super bored.

Charlie agrees to let her go, but wants to know if she’ll be back in time for the dance, and Bella’s internal response is “Grrr.” Seriously. She informs him that she doesn’t dance, on account of “I didn’t get my balance problems from my mother” and Charlie’s all “Ohhhhhhh, right.” (A: She’s the woooorst.)

The next day, she parks super far away from Edward’s pretty pretty car. When she gets out of her Wow. Free. Truck, she drops her car keys in a puddle. Because, like, she’s just sooooooo clumsy. (M: Thanks, Charlie.) Obviously, Edward’s incredibly pasty hand grabs them for her and she freaks and asks how he appears out of thin air like that. His response? “Bella, it’s not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I hate you.

We get more descriptions of his eyes and are told once again that he’s perfect. She asks why he caused the traffic jam the previous night, and he chuckles that it was because he had to give Tyler a chance to ask her to the dance. He also calls her “utterly absurd“. Bella’s pissed. So pissed that “my palms tingled.” (C: Bella may have some circulation problems.) She storms off and Edward follows. He apologises for being rude, but not for calling her absurd. She tells him to leave her alone, and he says he wants to ask her something.

Because he’s being super nice, there’s only one possible explanation: “Do you have a multiple personality disorder?” Yes, because mental health issues are the only explanation for a teenage boy not being 100% nice to you all the time. STFU, Bella. Edward asks her if, on the day of the dance… Bella interrupts, and he tells her to be quiet. She bites her lip – clearly E.L. James copied lip biting as well – and Edward asks her if she wants a lift to Seattle.

Bella’s all “Huh?”, and he repeats himself: “He enunciated every syllable, as if he were talking to someone mentally handicapped.” Okay, 1) never let Stephenie Meyer around anybody with a disability, b) Bella, you’re denser than osmium, and cat) this book is the worst. (A: Starting to think it’s Meyer that’s the worst.) Bella informs him that she’s totally fine to go on her own, and Edward claims he’s asking her because his car is more fuel efficient, and “The wasting of finite resources is everyone’s business.” SWOON.

She tells him that she can’t keep up with whether they’re friends or not, and he tells her he wants to be friends but it’s better if they’re not. Clear as mud. She struggles to look at him on account of how super pretty he is. He tells her that they definitely 10000% shouldn’t be friends but that “I’m tired of trying to stay away from you, Bella.” She’s boggled by this and “can’t remember how to breathe.” Um. That’s not really something you have to remember how to do. Otherwise babies would all die at birth.

Edward gets all creepy intense and asks her again to go to Seattle with him. Bella nods, and he smiles. He tells her “You really should stay away from me” and that he’ll see her in class. Then he walks away. Why. What. Why would you want to spend time with someone like this? WHY???

Mari: Because he’s shiny?

 

Corresponding Midnight Sun Posts: Chapter 04 – If you admit your faults, it’s totally fine and Chapter 05 – Dead or Undead.
Next time on Twilight: Another Effing Science Class, and Bella ends up in the nurse’s office in Chapter 05.