Twilight Chapter 02 – She’s the worst.

This post was originally published on October 3, 2015. It has been lightly edited to better reflect our current style and views.

Previously: Bella hates Forks but she HAD to move there. Trust me, she really really had to.
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Annie: The chapter opens with the line “The next day was better… and worse,” and I’m already pissed off.

The day was better for Bella because it wasn’t raining yet, and she knew what to expect on her second day of school. Bella complains about the rain and the people she has to attend school with, but she is starting to remember some of her fellow students’ names. This is the short list of complaints explaining how her day was better. Girl.

Catherine: Honestly, she should just be glad that any of her ‘fellow students’ are willing to be friends with her. It’s a sacrifice. 

Kirsti: Her internal monologue says something about how people looked at her less than yesterday. My notes say, “because they worked out that you’re a whiny bitch.” So yeah. She should be thrilled that they want to be friends with her.

Annie: She should be thrilled! She’s just lucky these guys can’t hear her internal monologue.

Next, Bella internal-monologues about how her day had been worse: she was tired, she was unprepared when called on in class and gave a wrong answer, and the worst worse thing of all? Edward wasn’t in school.

Bella whines about how much she was dreading having to see him after the way he’d acted but is now upset that he’s not there. I guess this is a fairly accurate description of the teenager emotional roller coaster, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to like it.

Marines: Especially because Bella is fond of reminding us that she’s not like her peers. She doesn’t relate to them and is so much above them and she reads Wuthering Heights, for goodness sakes. Meyer seems to want it both ways. Bella’s not like other teens, and yet she is the teeniest teen who ever teened. 

Annie: Just after lunch on her second day of school, Bella compares her new friend Mike to a puppy, for following her around and I find myself wishing a hellmouth would open up and swallow Bella whole, but we’re not that lucky.

K: SERIOUSLY. Actual quote: “It looked like I was going to have to do something about Mike, and it wouldn’t be easy.” Out of context, that sounds like she’s planning to murder him. In context? Bella needs to use her fucking words: “HEY MIKE, I’M NOT ROMANTICALLY INTERESTED IN YOU. LET’S BE FRIENDS, YEAH?”

Mari: Even that would be a little bit uncalled for at this point, at least until Mike does anything besides walk with her between classes and invite her to sit with him at lunch. I mean, clearly every boy is going to love Bella because this is a YA book and she’s the Mary Sue, but seriously. MIKE IS NOT DOING ANYTHING AND CALLING HIM A DOG IS RUDE. A “no thank you” would suffice.

Annie: It’s not like Mike’s sitting down with Charlie to negotiate a dowry. Girl, he is walking you to class and offering you a place to sit at lunch. Slow your roll.

We get through to last period before Bella decides that she probably isn’t going to see Edward, but she insists that she’s relieved about it. She internal-monologues about how it might be ridiculous and egotistical, but she totally has this feeling that he’s not at school because of her. (M: By “ridiculous and egotistical” she means “probably correct and cheating at narration.”)(A: A+).

After school, Bella makes it to her truck, successfully avoiding her ‘retriever‘ friend Mike and heads off to do some grocery shopping. She wants to cook dinner for herself and her father and complains about what a terrible cook he is.

There is a lot more detail about all of that in the book. I managed to recap it in a sentence. It took Stephenie Meyer 4 paragraphs to say that.

Catherine: Meyer is like an old-timey newspaper reporter that gets paid per word. 

K: She’s like Dickens, but a terrible writer who tells boring stories. 

Annie: After Bella has their dinner cooking, she goes to check her email and finds that her mother has emailed her three times. We’re treated to the full emails printed right there in the book. So I see where E.L. James gets THAT stylistic choice from, too. THANKS, STEPHENIE.

K: We also get an excessive amount of detail about the dinner preparations, which is clearly also a choice that E.L. James made. For example, Bella tells us that she marinated a steak and “balanced it on top of a carton of eggs in the fridge.” NO 1 CURR. 

Annie: Fun fact: I’m now actually writing out ‘NO 1 CURR’  in my notes on these chapters. I’m writing it so much, you guys.

Bella is annoyed by her mother’s concern, and she’s even more annoyed that her mother is threatening to call Charlie to make sure Bella’s arrived safe and sound. Bella sends her mother an email to tell her she’s going to send her an email…? (K: …because they don’t have phones in Phoenix?) And then sits down to send her a ‘proper’ email. In this email, Bella is terrible and condescending to her mother, complains, gushes about her Wow. Free. Truck. and is awful again to her mother, once more for good luck.

I know all of this, because the email is again included, word-for-word, in-text in the book.

Satisfied with herself, Bella decides to read (Wuthering Heights, because, OF COURSE) (C:Don’t pick up a magazine or anything, Bella) (M: Let’s clarify that it’s a re-read ladies. What is she, uncultured?) until her father gets home. She makes fun of Charlie for calling out for her by name when he gets home, because who else would be in their home?

Mari: He’s not asking, “is that you Bella,” ya twat. He’s calling for you. Be decent. 

Annie: But she can’t because SHE’S THE WORST EVER.

Rage outburst over…

They sit down to dinner together, Charlie thrilled that Bella has cooked them steak and potatoes, because apparently, as well as being flakey, irresponsible, forgetful, and overprotective, Bella’s mother is also a bad cook.

Charlie asks Bella if she’s made any friends and Bella names Jessica and Mike. You know. The guy she keeps referring to as her ‘retriever’ friend. (C:I’m just surprised she was capable of actually naming Jessica.) (M: It’s such a hard name omg.) Bella then brings up the Cullens, to ask about them, and Charlie is oddly protective and overreacts to Bella’s implication that they’re a bit different.

The rest of the week passes without much going on. (Read: No Edward sightings, so why even bother with life?)

K: Well, something DOES happen. Mike plans a group trip to the beach, and Bella sulks because “Beaches should be hot and dry.” Dry. Beaches should be dry. I’m not convinced Steph knows how the ocean works.

She also goes to her local library and doesn’t bother to get a card because it’s too small and gross for her big city sensibilities. This sent me into a librarian rage spiral because IT WILL NEVER GET ADDITIONAL FUNDING TO IMPROVE THE COLLECTION WITHOUT PATRONS OR CIRCULATION STATISTICS, YOU TURD.

Annie:  I’m not convinced Steph knows how anything works. We should start keeping a list of these things. Oceans. Faces. Eyes. Maybe libraries. Am I missing anything?

Suddenly, it’s the next week and it’s snowing and Bella’s classmates celebrate the snow by having a snowball fight. Bella celebrates the weather by hating the snow forever and ever. She couldn’t have been that upset about the snow, because her hatred is soon forgotten when she sees that he’s back. Edward is back at his usual spot in the cafeteria, not-eating lunch with his siblings.

In true Bella Swan fashion, she spends the lunch hour fretting over whether Edward is spending all his time glaring at her, only to be upset because he isn’t looking at her. Jessica tells Bella that she shouldn’t be too offended if Edward isn’t that into her, because the Cullens don’t like anyone.

Catherine: They’re soulmates already, then. 

Annie: The rest of the day passes with little mention or details, until we get to the main event… Bella’s class with Edward. He speaks to Bella with a quiet and musical voice, that also has the super power to stun Bella into silence. That’s one talented voice you’ve got there, Edward.

Bella describes Edward as dazzling, with a friendly and open (?) face, a ‘slight smile’ on his ‘flawless lips‘, and talks about his careful eyes.

CAREFUL EYES, YOU GUYS.

Edward introduces himself, and when Bella tells him who she is, Edward is all, “Oh, I know who you are.” And then, for someone who spent a lot of time complaining about how everyone knew who she was, Bella gives Edward the 3rd degree, wanting to know how he could possibly know who she was.

Sigh.

K: Bella, you monumental moron, YOU’RE THE ONLY NEW PERSON IN A SMALL TOWN. Of fucking course he knows who you are. JFC. 

Mari: SHE ALREADY WENT ON ABOUT THIS. She spent nearly a whole chapter, woe-ing her life because everyone knows who she is. And now someone knows who she is and she’s like, OMG HOW DO YOU KNOW? It’s supposed to be a big deal that he called her Bella and not Isabella, but they are around a ton of people WHO CALL HER BELLA. Of course, most of us know that this is piss-poor foreshadowing for Edward’s abilities. I hate it.

Annie: The science class starts, and we get all the details about the science project they’re to be working on. See, I needed two science credits to graduate high school. I quit science after grade 10, because there was no way I was dissecting anything, ever. So I just assume all these sciencey-details are legit. Bella is rendered stupid by Edward’s sparkly beauty, but wants to show off, because she’s better than everyone. Don’t you forget it.

K: We get an opportunity for another piece on the Snark Squad Twilight Drinking Game board: “I looked up to see him smiling a crooked smile so beautiful that I could only stare at him like an idiot.” CROOKED SMILE SHOTS!!! (Sorry, liver…)

Annie: They finish their lab work long before anyone else and this gives Bella the perfect opportunity to try to not look at Edward, but she fails. That’s when she notices Edward’s magic eyes . She swears that before, when she first saw Edward, for that short period of time over a week ago, that he had black eyes, but now his eyes are different. They’re butterscotch-coloured. She figures he must’ve gotten contacts, and as they’re being awkward about this, they’re interrupted by their teacher who has come over to find out why these two aren’t doing any work.

Catherine: God forbid Bella figures she just remembered wrong. I mean, someone having pitch black eyes is not only possible but totally a thing. Right? 

Mari: Maybe this explains the careful eyes thing. When your eyes are all butterscotch and magic, you have to be real careful about them. I mean, you wouldn’t want your eyes to be all willy-nilly, right? I don’t even know what I’m saying.

Annie: Magic, colour-changing, eyes. But at least they’re careful about their magic and colour-changing powers and… Ugh. THANKS A LOT, EMILY.

When Bella and Edward explain that they’ve finished the project, the teacher assumes Edward did all the work, because… Bella’s a girl? And girls don’t science? I don’t know. But either way, he assumes Edward did all the work.

Catherine: I think we’re supposed to assume that the teacher, like all teachers, thinks Edward is some kind of child genius because he always does all this homework and knows how to spell and shit. When in reality, the only reason he seems so smart is that he’s a jillionity years old and still taking high school classes for some reason. 

Annie: Edward corrects the teacher, saying Bella did contribute, and the teacher decides that must be because Bella’s done the lab already at her old school. Bella explains she was in some kind of advanced school program. I’m drowning in details here, guys. Apparently, so is their teacher, because he leaves them to go back to their awkwarding. (Is that a word? It is now.)

There’s some cliche exchange between Bella and Edward about how she’s mysterious and ‘hard to read’ and I sprain my eyeballs from rolling my eyes so hard. Class is coming to an end, and straight after, Edward bails. Bella takes this as a personal insult, but honestly, I feel this is a fairly authentic response from a teenager once the bell rings. You get the hell out of there.

Poor Mike comes over to see Bella, even picking up her books to carry them for her, and I’m all ‘Dude, no.’ Bella again makes a comment about how he’s puppy-dog-like for following her around. Bella broods and ignores Mike as he’s talking to her on the way to their next class, which is gym.

Bella’s not in the mood to participate. Instead, she broods some more and lets Mike pick up the slack for her in volleyball, because she is the actual worst human ever.

After school, Bella heads to her truck, internal-monologue-complaining about the cold and the rain, but not, for once, about the sound the engine of her Wow. Free. Truck. makes. Or something.

As Bella is getting ready to pull out of her parking spot, she notices Edward standing by his car. This sight renders Bella stupid once again, and she nearly drives into another car. She recovers, then drives off, and makes a comment about how she swears she saw Edward laughing out of the corner of her eye.

At her? At the near-miss? Because almost-car-accidents are funny? I don’t know. Oops, nope. I mean, care. That’s the word I meant to use. I don’t care.

 

 

Corresponding Midnight Sun Post: Chapter 02 – Fuck this girl’s safety.
Next time on Twilight: Bella ALMOST gets smushed by a car in Chapter 03!