Twilight Chapter 03 – Edward Cullen: Mushroom

This post was originally published on October 5, 2015. It has been lightly edited for length and to better reflect our current style.
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Previously: Edward didn’t come to school and it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
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Catherine: Bella is sad again. I know you’re shocked.

This time it’s because she starts the chapter by waking up to fresh snowfall. As someone who hates snow myself, I can’t really blame her for this. But worse than the snow is that apparently all of the rain from the day before has frozen solid and now everything is icy. Bella’s first thought is, of course, about how she’s going to manage to walk on all this ice since she has so much trouble walking in general. What must it be like to be so clumsy that your first thought is always whether or not you’re going to survive a walk to your driveway?

Once again Steph takes us through every detail of Bella’s boring morning routine, including her breakfast (cereal and orange juice) and finally after 50-something pages she tells us about one thing that she actually likes and approves of.

And, oh, it’s the fact that Charlie is gone a lot so she doesn’t have to deal with him. Nice.

While she makes breakfast she thinks about Edward and how excited she is to see him.

“I should be avoiding him entirely after my brainless and embarrassing babbling yesterday. And I was suspicious of him; why should he lie about his eyes? I was still frightened of the hostility I sometimes felt emanating from him, and I was still tongue-tied whenever I pictured his perfect face. I was well aware that my league and his league were different spheres that did not touch.”

Okay but:

1. If you feel that the guy you have a crush on is sometimes emanating hostility toward you for no reason and it frightens you? Get the fuck out. For real. That is not gonna lead to anything good. Unless he’s really a tortured vampire, I guess. (A: Spoilers!)

2. ‘His perfect face?’ Ugh.

3. How are they in different spheres? (M: And why couldn’t Steph just say, “he was out of my league?” Where are spheres coming from?) They attend the same small high school in the same small town. They sit next to each other in Biology. I mean, I guess she is talking about him hanging out with his “siblings” and her hanging out with normal, fat, smelly, not devastatingly beautiful people but I still don’t get this comment. You two are not Romeo and fucking Juliet.

Marines: I really hate, from just an honest to goodness story-telling perspective, this whole deal about “why would he lie about his eyes.” GUYS. We know he’s a vampire. Stephenie Meyer obviously knows that he’s a vampire. BELLA HAS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO SUSPECT EDWARD CULLEN CAN CHANGE HIS EYE COLOR. That is NOT a thing a human can just do. What does she suspect is happening here? What does she think he is lying about? THIS IS SO STUPID AND SUCH BAD WRITING.

Catherine: Bella has a touch and go moment of almost slipping on ice as she walks out to her truck and, in the totally grounded style we’ve become accustomed to, decides that this means the whole day is going to be “nightmarish.”

On the drive to school she thinks about Mike and Eric in an effort to distract herself and decides that she wishes that they were ignoring her like the boys in Phoenix used to.

Annie: Oh my god, so do I, because then maybe we wouldn’t have to read about how awful she is to these poor, stupid, boys.

Mari: She tells us that she looks exactly the same way she did in Phoenix, except about 40 pages ago she was telling us about how sallow and unhealthy Forks has made her look already. Remember her see-through skin and how she had even less color in Forks? NO? That’s okay. Bella doesn’t remember either.

Kirsti: She also thinks the boys are only paying attention to her because “possibly my crippling clumsiness was seen as endearing…” CRIPPLING clumsiness. Girl. You fell down like twice. At best, you’re slightly awkward. 

Mari: Yeah, wait for it K. Wait for it.

Catherine: Bella notices that her car isn’t slipping around as much as it should be and when she gets to school has her first appreciative moment probably ever when she sees that Charlie has put snow chains on Wow. Free. Truck.

She’s standing there, crying over her tires when someone who does not have such a loving father (M: LOLOL.) screeches into the parking lot, heading straight for her, obviously having lost control.

I’ll be honest, even when I was IN LOVE with this book as a teen I never really thought this part was well written. I still don’t really get how this car almost hit her. It seems like it’s headed right for her but it’s the rear that almost crushes her? IDK, you guys. It seems like Meyer needed Bella to be hit by a car and be in real danger, but also not have the driver be able to see Edward save her.

Mari: She says, “it was going to hit the back corner of my truck, and I was standing between them.” So, uh, what you are saying is that it’s going to hit you, right? That’s how that works. Also, she somehow, in the seconds as the van is coming toward her, manages to see Edward nowhere near her and the van coming toward her from the opposite direction. This book is so bad. 

Catherine: Anyway, Edward saves her. If you didn’t already know that then I sincerely envy you.

Bella sees Edward across the parking lot but then he’s suddenly right next to to stop the car from hitting her. He also lifts the van out of the way so they can get out. Remember this for later.

Edward asks her if she’s okay and Bella, being Bella, says yes offhand. He points out that she hit her head pretty hard and she’s like, ‘Oh yeah, ow’ and he laughs. I have to admit, this part still plays pretty cute. As long as you know nothing else about these characters.

Mari: I’m sorry, I’m going with no. Though, I will admit that it might be left over from being #fiftyshadesofruined. Basically, it reminded me SO MUCH of the many times Grey would say something and Ana would suddenly realize something about herself. The example I remember the clearest is when they get in the shower and Ana’s like, “ow! the water’s hot” and he’s like, “no it isn’t” and Ana’s like, “he’s right. It isn’t.” 

Bella doesn’t realize how her head was bashed until Edward told her it was. No thank you, please.

K: Ugh. Agreed. Except that she totally did because, “My head cracked against the icy blacktop.” So she knew but then she forgot until Edward told her. Which is even weirder and more poorly written. Maybe we can theorise that she actually got a brain bleed from cracking her head and the rest of this trainwreck is a coma dream?? 

Catherine: Oh my God. I didn’t even think of that! Explains a lot.

Bella asks Edward how he got over to her so fast, and he’s all “I was right next to you.”

This entire exchange happens before the other students and the teachers who witnessed the accident can get over to them. It stretches the bounds of credibility but, okay, sure.

Everyone starts screaming and crying and someone finally suggests they check on the driver of the van, Tyler, who Edward and Bella were too caught up in each other’s eyes to worry about.

Bella, who cannot take a hint, starts questioning Edward again about how he got across the parking lot so fast. Seriously, if he wasn’t gonna tell you in private a second ago what makes you think he’s gonna tell you now that you’re surrounded by a bunch of people who are all paying close attention to you? Come on, Bella. You’re smarter than this. YOU READ.

Edward finally gets her to shut up by promising to talk about it later. An ambulance arrives to take Bella, Edward and Tyler to the hospital.

Bella hates that she has to wear a neck brace and that Edward, who is uninjured, gets to ride in the front of the ambulance. She manages to hate both of these things in one sentence, which may be a new record for her. Charlie shows up and is concerned for her and she hates that, too. She actually says that she ‘tunes him out‘ so that she can think about Edward and the car and how Edward stopped the car. (A: Say it with me, ‘This girl is the worst’.)

“And then there was his family, looking on from the distance, with expressions that ranged from disapproval to fury but held no hint of concern for their brother’s safety.”

 

There are too many commas in there but ignore that because Edward’s siblings clearly don’t give a shit if Bella dies and that’s funny. Especially since they are all destined to care way too much about her very soon.

Bella gets taken to the hospital and she realizes quickly that everyone is just doing their job and that if she cooperates she’ll be discharged soon.

HA! No. She bitches literally the entire time. She also rips off her neck brace like .02 seconds after she gets there, because obviously this teenage girl is the best medical professional in the building, and she’d totally know if she had some internal injury. (M: SHE READS.)

Tyler gets brought in to the same room as her and he has a bandage wrapped around his head. He looks rough, so he obviously immediately asks how our heroine is. She’s important like that. Admittedly, Tyler is desperate to apologize since he nearly killed her. Bella brushes off his apology.

Then they take her off to x-ray her head, and she hates it. She doesn’t have a concussion because of course, her head is too fucking hard for that. They bring her back into the exam room and Tyler is still apologizing, and she still hates it.

“I closed my eyes and ignored him. He kept up a remorseful mumbling.”

What a peach.

Edward comes in and Bella has to pick up her jaw long enough to glare at him, since he’s so PRETTY that it’s hard to stay mad at him.

Mari: She says she hears his “musical voice” again. This becomes so much more fun if you picture that Edward is actually singing everything. 

Tyler apologizes to Edward as well and he responds, “no blood, no foul.” Um, what? NO. No, that’s not the saying. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

K: He’s being suuuuuuuper stealthy about how much he likes blood. Duh. 

Catherine: Anyway, Edward teases Bella, and she complains. As usual.

THEN:

“Then a doctor walked around the corner, and my mouth fell open. He was young, he was blond…and he was handsomer than any movie star I’d ever seen”.

                                                     

I agree.

Mari: Peter Facinelli is a very handsome man, but I object to every single make-up choice that was ever made in the Twilight movie.

Catherine: This is Edward’s father, Dr. Cullen. He was my first grown man crush, real talk.

K: When I lived in Canberra, there was a cute blond guy who caught my bus to work who looked an awful lot like Peter Facinelli. My friends and I nicknamed him Carlisle Cullen Boy, because obviously. 

Catherine: Dr. Cullen chats with Bella a bit and examines her head and then tells her she can go but to come back if she starts feeling dizzy. Bella complains through this entire passage. My guess is that Dr. Cullen realized how awful she was and wanted her out of his hospital asap while secretly hoping that she never ever becomes his daughter in law or anything.

Before she leaves, Bella manages to mention that Edward was the one who saved her, and Dr. Cullen does the whole “Oh, yeah, right, anyway what’s this over here?” thing to get out of the conversation with her. She figures out that whatever Edward’s hiding, his father is clearly in on, too.

K: More specifically, “My intuition flickered; the doctor was in on it.” Her…intuition FLICKERED??? What even is that.

Mari: Her intuition is a lamp with faulty wiring, obvs.

Catherine: Bella insists that Edward talk to her in private now that everyone’s done being hit by cars. He promised.

He goes from teasing her good-naturedly one second to being cold and annoyed the next. He does this a lot so be prepared for that.

“His unfriendliness intimidated me. My words came out with less severity than I’d intended. “You owe me an explanation,” I reminded him.

“I saved your life—I don’t owe you anything.”

Yeah, except, you did promise her that you would tell her wtf is going on after she got checked out by the doctor? Maybe stow the ‘tude, Dracula.

They argue for a bit and he tries to convince her (like an asshole) that her head injury is to blame for her inexplicably seeing him move faster than a speeding car. She’s like nah, playa. I’m not falling for that. Which, good for her at this point. I don’t know which of these children I hate worse at the moment. (A: Edward. Most definitely Edward.) (M: Bella for me.) (K: Tyler for not actually killing Bella…?)

Edward asks her to tell him what she thinks happened and she basically tells him a repeat of exactly what she narrated for us: that he was nowhere near her and then suddenly he was and he lifted the van so that it wouldn’t crush her legs.

And Edward (the asshole, remember) is all “pfft, whatever crazy. No one’s gonna believe you.”

He can pretend all he wants that he was standing closer to her than she remembers but he stopped the van and lifted it off of her with his bare hands while she was staring at him. Bella says that he delivers this lie like ‘a skilled actor’ but it’s such a shitty lie that I feel like acting doesn’t really come into it. He had, like, an hour at least with how slow hospitals run in getting you in for x-rays and shit. Come up with a better lie, actor.

Bella tells him that she wasn’t planning on telling anybody. Edward is surprised and asks her why it should matter then. “Can’t you just thank me and get over it?” She hurriedly replies, “Thank you.”

Princess Peach has found her fucking prince.

She tells him that she’s not letting this go and he says:

“In that case…I hope you enjoy disappointment.”

I hope so too ’cause she’s got several lifetimes of it ahead, yo.

Bella is still angry at him, but also still distracted by how PRETTY he is.

“I was in danger of being distracted by his livid, glorious face. It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.”

…Okay…

Annie: Like, girl, no. You should not be distracted by someone who’s mad at you for no good reason and trying to intimidate you into doing what he wants because he’s PRETTY. Nope. NOPE. NOOOOOPE.

Mari: “Livid, glorious.”

Livid.
Glorious.

But, hey, “destroying angel” so go ahead and have your Biblical reference shot.

K: So I just Googled “destroying angel” to try and find some cracked out Medieval painting of an angel with four faces or some shit, but it turns out that Destroying Angel is a variety of poisonous mushroom, and now I’m cackling with laughter picturing Bella in a staring competition with a mushroom.

Mari: BOOM:

Catherine: Bella asks him why he even bothered saving her, and he just Kanye shrugs and walks away. She’s so angry that she just stares after him for a minute. This is the part where she should just forget about him since he’s clearly a twat and move on with her life. BUT NO. MORE BOOK.

Bella goes into the waiting room and Charlie rushes over to her (because the father of a minor and a police chief had to wait outside in a small hospital with no news of what was going on… I guess) and he’s all worried about her and she hates it.

Mike, Jessica and Eric are all there and Bella begs her way out of talking to them by rushing Charlie out of the room because she’s awful and she hates all her living friends. She literally just ‘waves sheepishly’ at them on her way out instead of taking 2 seconds to assure them that she’s okay SINCE SHE JUST GOT HIT BY A CAR.

Charlie drives Bella home and lets it slip that he told her mom about the accident and that Bella needs to call her to reassure her that she’s alright and Bella hates it.

K: GIRL. YOU NEARLY GOT HIT BY A CAR AND YOU WENT TO THE FUCKING HOSPITAL. OF COURSE HE TOLD YOUR MOTHER. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Catherine: She’s seriously so ‘appalled’ that she slams his car door before stomping inside. I assume Charlie is eagerly counting down the days till she graduates or slips and falls down a well so he can be rid of her. (M: Keep hoping for more ice, Charlie.)

Renee is, of course, horrified and worried about her only child being hurt, but Bella tunes all that concerned parent bullshit out so she can think about Edward some more.

“I was consumed by the mystery Edward presented. And more than a little obsessed by Edward himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I wasn’t as eager to escape Forks as I should be, as any normal, sane person would be.”

Just in case you were wondering, in all this vampire intrigue, if Bella still hates the shit out of Forks, the answer is yes, of course she does.

This chapter starts with her waking up and ends with her going to bed, so for those of you counting off things that E.L. James ripped off… This. This is one of those things.

Annie: I feel like we should make this part of the Snark Squad drinking game, but I don’t think it would end well for us.

Mari: Still, we’ll add it anyway.

Catherine: Bella decides to go to bed early because Charlie is still concerned, and she hates it.

She also mentions that she has to grab some Tylenol before she can sleep. So obviously her head is FINE and everyone should just shut up about it already.

The last sentence is:

“That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen.”

 

Corresponding Midnight Sun Post: Chapter 03 – That’s how lying works.
Next time on Twilight: Bella can’t tell if Edward is her friend or not in Chapter 04.