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#snarkathon – I Know Who Killed Me

Sweeney: You could think of this post as late, or you could think of it is as a nice little reminder of all the fun we had at the beginning of the month. Two weeks in internet time is like years so now it’s time to get all nostalgic and reflect on our most recent #snarkathon adventure.

This month we watched I Know Who Killed Me and there’s not a whole lot to say about this movie. It’s basically The Parent Trap with strippers, artificial limbs, and torture porn.

Our girl Lindsay Lohan is not only characters in the story, but also narrating the story as some sort of class project – you know, for those days where your teachers have you read out shitty horror stories. I never did figure out whether or not storytelling!Lindsay was the same as either of the other Lindsays. Normally this is the kind of thing I’d rewind and analyze for the sake of a recap, but I’m quite committed to never watching this movie again.

Story within the story: Lindsay is alternatively a stripper and a girl quitting piano lessons. (This is the AU in which Annie and Hallie never meet at summer camp. Annie grows up to be Aubrey/piano!Lindsay and Hallie gets the bleak future of Dakota/stripper!Lindsay.)

One of our Lindsays is abducted and tortured. I don’t really know the extent of the torture because I refused to look at the screen during this, but Lindsay’s body is found missing a few limbs, so, like, shit was bad. She’s interrogated by the worst cops in the history of ever who get weirdly accusatory with their paraplegic PTSD-suffering victim for her limited memories. As a bonus, she’s 100% certain that she’s not piano-playing good girl, Aubrey. She’s stripper!Lindsay, which makes things extra rough on her parents. I was pretty sure her step dad was guiltyguiltyguilty, with Spencer Hastings level volume, but if you saw him on Justified, you’d agree that this creepy mother fucker is probably always guilty.

Anyway, stripper!Lindsay has a bionic leg that beeps at her a lot because she never remembers to plug it in. She sleeps with piano!Lindsay’s boyfriend to prove to him that she’s not piano!Lindsay. It makes relatively little sense, except to give piano!Lindsay’s mother some bonus trauma as she listens and scrubs the kitchen in order to get the ew out of her home/soul. Stripper!Lindsay has some flashbacks of the stripping in which we meet the HBIC who runs the strip club. She doesn’t do anything plot relevant, which is probably why she’s the best character in the movie. Eventually stripper!Lindsay gets her research on and concludes that sometimes twins can be magically connected and feel each other’s suffering and limb severing.

I was somewhat vindicated by her discovery that her stepdad lied to her mother and bought a baby from a crackwhore. I don’t really understand how/why this happened either. The crackwhore had twins, but he only needed the one, so the purchased baby grew up to be piano!Lindsay and the other grew up to be Christian Grey stripper!Lindsay. At first he’s thinking it’s probably better for them both to die than for anyone to find out about that time he bought a baby, but eventually agrees to help stripper!Lindsay whose magic twin powers lead her to piano!Lindsay’s location. We learn that she was being tortured by her piano teacher and the stepdad gets murdered for his trouble. Of course, stripper!Lindsay manages to off the piano teacher and dig up piano!Lindsay in her pretty white virginal dress, all while carrying around her bionic leg with its dead battery.

There was also some really deep stuff with the colors red and blue which were directly explained at some point in the movie but I have blocked this out. If that made zero sense to you, then I have successfully recreated the experience of watching the movie, without the additional 45 minutes of torture porn. You’re welcome.

Here are some of the highlights from Twitter:


 


Also, this:

Any other deep thoughts on the cinematic genius that is I Know Who Killed Me? Share your thoughts and your recovery stories in the comments.

Next month we are gathering with the internet alone-together to watch watch Scream 4. Tune in with us on Saturday, February 1st at 5pm EST. (10pm UTC) Play along on Twitter with the #snarkathon hashtag and join the Google Hangout.

Written by

Nicole Sweeney

Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.