Firefly S01 E11 – Justice

Previously: Mal and Wash were captured, so the rest of the crew got their BAMF on and freed them.
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Trash

Sweeney: The episode begins with an extended shot of naked Mal sitting on a rock in the desert. He’s got a tattoo on his hip. This is awkward, what with the other girls fighting over their TV Boyfriend claims. Guys, he just chose to show up naked in my episode, all right?

Lorraine: I’m secure enough in our relationship that this does not bother me.

Sara: I just hope you guys aren’t jealous that this is something I get to look at all the time because of how he’s my boyfriend and all.

Sweeney: “Well, that went well,” he sarcastically muses before a title screen informs us that we’re jumping back 72 hours to whatever it was that obviously did go super well if it resulted in naked Mal on our television screens.

Sara: Praise be to the gods.

Lor: And for the second recap in a row, we get to use this gif to say:

Sweeney: 72 Hours Earlier, a tragically clothed Mal (tragic in that he is in clothing, not that his browncoat is tragic) is looking at people loading up a ship. He gets picked up into a bear hug by a friend who wants to know where Serenity is for the smuggling. Mal is sans Firefly so that two likely smugglers aren’t leaving the planet concurrently, a tip-off to the feds. The Bear Hugger has a fascinating mustache but apparently got rid of much additional facial hair because he’s newly married. He calls the wife over and it’s none other than CHRISTINA HENDRICKS! She and Jayne both draw at the same time.

YOU CAN’T TAKE THE SKY FROM ME.

After the credits Christina Hendricks high kicks Mal’s gun away and Mr. Mustache watches as Mal and Christina Hendricks fight. Mr Mustache interjects the occasional knock-it-off but takes his sweet time before actually pulling them off each other. Mal says that Christina Hendricks can’t be Mrs. Mustache due to her having married Mal once upon a time. CH calls him a liar, but refers to him by his full name like an idiot, since Mr. Mustache hasn’t referred to him as anything more than Mal up to that point. Mr. Mustache is pissed so he leaves without her, shouting stuff at her from the intercom of the departing ship before dropping a bag of her stuff. That was considerate of him.

Lor: Seriously. I would’ve left a bitch without a clean pair of underwear.

 

Sweeney: WITHOUT. HER. STUFF.

Mal searches her and steals her lipstick, remembering that she’d poisoned him with it before. Christina Hendricks switches up tactics, saying that marriage is hard but they shouldn’t give up. Plus, she’s super hot, so, there’s that.

He tells her to GTFO and they banter for a bit, with her insisting that she’ll die if he ditches her. Mal is having none of her shit and fires at the dirt around her to drive the message home. In a final effort, she swears that she has a super epic heist planned that she’ll cut him in on. Mal points the gun at her face this time to make it clear that he is not fucking around.

Sara: See how loyal and brave my boyfriend is? Not even Christina Henricks can steal him away from me.

Sweeney: That’s devotion right there. I see what you mean.

Serenity arrives and the gang is surprised to see Mal injured, fearing that he got his very bloody nose from Mr. Mustache. Mal is pissed and not up for talking so he storms off and leaves them to load the ship without him.

Sexy Shuttle. Inara is pouring tea when Mal arrives. She says she was looking for him to talk business and Mal gets jumpy because inviting him to the sexy shuttle and offering him tea makes for two unprecedented events. Inara gets down to business and accuses Mal of going out of his way to stop at destinations where it’s impossible for her to get clients. She says that there are plenty of places where they can both find work. The conversation escalates quickly with Mal using the “w” word and Inara calling him a “petty thief.” He gets touchy and she backs down from that word choice, which annoys me because the whoring comment was a super low blow too. (S: YUP.) Regardless, Inara’s picking at a serious wound for Mal, noting how long it’s been since he’s had a serious job. They also squabble a bit about whether or not Inara’s part of Team Thief.

In Mal’s defense, too, things with River definitely escalated after that medical heist and then Mal himself was captured. While Mal clearly has feelings for Inara, she’s being crazy self-involved if she can’t see that Mal has damn good reason – having nothing to do with her – to want to stay way the hell off anyone’s radar.

Sara: If I were that gorgeous, I would probably end up thinking everything was about me, too.

Lor: Maybe she just invents crazy fights as an excuse to invite Mal into the Sexy Shuttle. Probably not. Probably these two should just grow up and use their words.

Sweeney: But she got to him, so he storms back to the cargo bay and opens up a crate to ask Christina Hendricks to tell him about her big job. Cut to a bit later when she’s explaining the job to the whole gang in the kitchen. She’s got a picture of a guy who is one of the “biggest collectors of Earth-that-was artifacts in the ‘verse.” Sitting in his parlor, she claims, is an antique laser pistol – one of only two known to exist. Mal goads her to clarify how he came by this weapon — the mark is Alliance and stole shit from people during the war. During their scuffle on the rock, Christina Hendricks correctly deduced that Mal and Mr. Mustache were war buddies so playing on Mal’s righteous hatred for the Alliance was a slick play. Well done, CH. Well done.

Zoe is eyeing Christina Hendricks, though, as she explains her oh-so-brilliant, elaborate plan, because Zoe can see through this shit. Wash has a question – and it’s not why Christina Hendricks didn’t go do this herself: why is the bitch who tried to kill us even there? “We’re in space? How did she even get here?” I love him. Sidebar: he’s one of two Buffyverse actors currently making appearances on Justified. He plays a cold-blooded killer type over there and I find it profoundly unsettling to watch Steve The Pirate / crazy-Hawaiian-shirted Wash apathetically shooting people.

 

Jayne does, however, want to ask they why-don’t-you-do-it-yourself question. The short version: is that you need a lot of people. Inara walks in before she can finish that sentence and offers that what Christina Hendricks needs is a bunch of idiots and dupes. Mal, still burning from earlier insults, dismisses her. Inara mutters some fuck-this-shit-esque Mandarin and storms off.

Zoe says it sounds good, but she’s with Inara on not trusting her. She punches Christina Hendricks IN THE FACE before saying that yeah, fine, she’s in. Because Zoe is cooler than everyone.

Sara: I am so happy that Traumaland is littered with face punch gifs. It’s one of my favorite things about this place.

Lor: Oh, this is a definite contender for 2015’s face punching award. I mean, sure, violence doesn’t solve stuff, but there are those moments when you think, “but I bet punching such and such person in the face would feel great.” Judging by this gif, I’m guessing it feels excellent to Zoe.

Sweeney: I’m having one of those days. Zoe is totally helping me see that yes, punching people in the face would feel great! Wait, maybe that’s not what I’m supposed to learn? Oh well.

Jayne is preparing for the job as he explains to Simon and River that they need to stay way the hell away from Christina Hendricks because she will hand their asses over in a heartbeat. River says that Christina Hendricks is a liar and no good will come of her. Jayne doesn’t necessarily disagree but, like, money so whatever. Plus he figures it’s a good rule that girl folk shouldn’t be trusted, and then this glorious scene banter happens:

Jayne sulks off, bratting that he was going to leave them a deck of cards but not now. (L: Way harsh.)

In true River fashion she manages to flip that adorably hilarious scene into SRSBSNS in .2 seconds, noting that Jayne has been afraid since Ariel (she would refer to events by their episode names; River clearly knows that she’s on a TV show) because he’s afraid they’ll know. She doesn’t specify what but Simon’s face suggests that he’s putting it together.

Zoe and Inara run into each other and chat and I don’t think these two have many scenes together. Interesting. Zoe’s excited and Inara’s relieved to be headed somewhere that she can get work. She tells Zoe to be really careful, though, and to keep an eye on Mal and not to trust Christina Hendricks. Zoe says she shouldn’t count Mal out and will see her when they’re rich. Christina Hendricks spies on them throughout this whole conversation.

Mal spots Christina Hendricks spying and barks at her to come help him with something and stop wandering about, lest he be forced to stick her back into her crate.

Lor: Honey, stop it. You know who threatens to transport women via crate? Christian Grey. I mean, sure, Ana didn’t try to kill him no matter how hard we wished it. But stop. I’m ruined.

Sweeney: Ooh, making Christian Grey threats is a definite relationship downer.

Wash is briefing the crew some more about the intense security and the layout for the plan. Cut to Mal and Christina Hendricks in their shuttle. CH has some flowers. Wash voiceovers as they land, explaining that they are pretending to be the hired help for a big party Alliance Scumbag is throwing. We see them clear the first secure interest before cutting back to Kaylee giddily explaining that getting the pistol out of there is tricky for security reasons, but they can throw it away into fancy high tech garbage, which has a fancy high tech computer system which the crew will override to tell the fancy high tech garbage spaceship to drop the garbage/pistol in the middle of a desert somewhere. Naked Mal Desert, perhaps? I like that desert.

Sara: I WILL LIVE IN THAT DESERT FOREVER.

Lor: WHO NEEDS WATER? DEHYDRATION 4 LYFE.

Sweeney: Apparently not that big a downer, though. Also, during this explanation, Kaylee says the word “trash” and earns herself the fancy gold star:

Cut to later when Kaylee and Jayne are crawling outside the ship as Wash and Zoe try to steer them into place. I can’t tell exactly what’s going on, to be honest, but it’s part of the magical trash can reprogramming plan. It all looks very dangerous.

Alliance Scumbag Mansion. Christina Hendricks and Mal are still moving about easily enough, carrying their just-the-help bouquets. I’m not sure I understand where they procured these flowers from, but whatever. They make their way into the room with the gun and Mal is in awe of it.

Magic Trashcan Mission. Wash is having a very difficult time keeping the ship steady enough for Kaylee and Jayne. As Kaylee is telling Jayne not to touch something he, of course, touches it and is knocked out by a shock.

Alliance Scumbag Mansion. Mal is still trying to disable the security around the gun when they hear someone coming. Said person turns out to be none other than the Alliance Scumbag…whose accusatory tone quickly turns to relief that Mal found his wife. LOL. Of course. I can’t believe I didn’t see that coming. After a Not Break, Mal is trying to get her to take him out but she’s not up for that plan.

Sara: Girlfriends gets around. I’m impressed.

Lor: And not only like in the usual sense of around, but to echo the point earlier, this is SPACE. Girlfriend gets around.

Sweeney: Serenity. Zoe brings an unconscious Jayne down to Simon to look after him.

ASM. Alliance Scumbag is thanking Mal who awkwardly says he was just giving her a lift. I feel bad calling him Alliance Scumbag as he offers Mal money or food and drink or basically anything because he’s so giddy that “Yolanda” — the third name Christina Hendricks has been called by in this episode — has returned to him, as she’s the only thing he truly treasures. Christina Hendricks quickly makes up a story about being sold to slavers. Alliance Chump says that he thought she’d run off with the security programmer, but then they found the guy’s body. Mal suggests that he must have stopped being useful.

Alliance Chump leaves to get money for Mal and Christina Hendricks tells him that they need to move fast. She assures Mal that Alliance Chump is totally still Alliance Scumbag and he’d happily slit Mal’s throat as soon as she would. Oh good. Mal wonders out loud about why he was necessary in the first place, given the warm reception. He theorizes that unlike Christina’s possible hundreds of husbands, she actually wants this one to think well of her when she’s gone. He says all this while continuing to disable the gun’s security and thus not noticing Christina Hendricks backing up, so that when he turns around she has a gun pointed at him. An actual non-antique gun.

Just as she’s threatening to kill him, Alliance Chump shows up. Mal quickly confesses that they are, indeed, stealing his antique, though Christina Hendricks ‘s gun is new to him. Alliance Chump says that he appreciates Mal’s honesty. “Not, you know, a lot but…” As he and Christina Hendricks have their emotional stare down, Mal backs away and tosses the gun into a trash chute.

Outside, Kaylee is struggling to reach the magic future trash bin in order to do her part of all this. Zoe radios down to Wash to make them go higher because the magic future trash shuttle is arriving. Kaylee gets the part in place just in time to drop down out of the way of the magic future trash shuttle.

Alliance Chump Mansion. Mal manages to snag a gun from the flowers and tells Christina Hendricks to drop it. She does, without stopping her extended speech about how he’s you know, a chump.

A quick shot of the rest of the crew heading off before Mal’s telling Christina Hendricks to STFU and get moving. Alliance Chump is slightly less of a chump because he has a nifty ring with a 911 button on it “for kidnappings and the like.” That seems like the sort of thing you could easily mis-dial with. A lot. “Sorry, guys! Just bumped my fancy ring again! Go back to protecting actual endangered people now! kthnxbai!” (S: A+) We hear sirens as Mal and Christina Hendricks get, “Aw fuck,” faces.

After a Not Break, she tries to seduce Alliance Chump into calling them off. He tells her that she’s embarrassing herself so she kicks him in the face. Nice. I want to be able to do that. “I’M WHAT NOW? BAM.”

Lor: WHO’S EMBARRASSED NOW BIZ-NATCH? (This version of me who kicks people in the faces also says things like “biz-natch” apparently.)

Sweeney: Not only are we super good at watching TV, we are also very good at inventing TV lives. These skills are probably related. I know you’re all deeply impressed.

Mal interrupts crazy time to prevent their imminent arrest. Time for a chase scene! Once they get outside the house, Christina Hendricks pulls some more security magic as she puts the house on technological lockdown. More guards and asskicking, but they eventually make it to their shuttle.

Sara: Joss Whedon asskicking is my favorite kind of asskicking. Mal kicked a gun out of a security guy’s hands and caught it in the air. Awesome.

Sweeney: Once on board, Christina Hendricks is doing some serious brood. Mal speculates that if she sat on that knowledge for six years, she probably regarded that as the one line she wouldn’t cross until finally times got hard enough. She snaps that her name isn’t Yolanda before eventually confessing that she really did try with that one. She figured that Alliance Chump’s moneybags might have helped — that if she had everything it could be different. Christina Hendricks neither married nor killed the security programmer. She says she should have killed Alliance Chump, though. Mal calls her on that being on account of him actually knowing and loving her. She cries. Mal sits next to her telling her that she’ll probably go back to being a double crossing snake, making it good and easy for her to do just that and get his gun out of his holster. Damn it, Mal.

Mal had made some comment about her Christina Hendricks crying was equivalent to seeing her really naked (not really though, Mal) so part of her play involves Mal getting naked for the sake of fairness. Yes. Good. Fairness. Naked Mal, IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE, GUYS!

Sara: HEAR HEAR!

Sweeney: As he strips, he says that his slipping doesn’t mean the crew will. Speaking of, we cut to them discovering that the ship won’t turn. Kaylee says it doesn’t make sense, “Unless…” and she and Zoe run off to investigate. In the engine room, Kaylee mutters a long stream of Mandarin god-damn-it-shit-fuck cursing before saying that they need to land immediately for her to fix the damage.

Naked Mal Desert. Mal is, indeed, naked and shouting after Christina Hendricks as she takes off in his shuttle.

Elsewhere, Christina Hendricks is digging through garbage and pissed off that she can’t find the gun. Atop the heap Inara appears, classy as ever, holding the antique gun. Inara says that she’s there playing her part — storming off in a huff, waiting for Mal to get double-crossed and then showing up to stop her. Inara can’t believe Christina Hendricks didn’t see it coming. She pushes a button and closes the lid on Christina Hendricks, promising that the authorities will show up in a few hours to dig her out.

Sara: And oh. my. word. Inara looks absolutely fantastic in this scene. So beautiful.

Lor: That kind of self-satisfaction has to make the skin glow.

Sweeney: Serenity. Jayne is coming to, though still in a bit of a haze. Simon explains that Jayne got knocked out and now can’t move his arms and legs because Simon gave him something to keep him from fucking up his spine when he came to. He’ll be fine but a little bruised in a little while. Jayne asks if he’s all right so Simon asks Jayne how much he was offered to sell them out. Jayne calls out for someone else, but only River pokes her head around the corner. Simon goes on that given Jayne’s dangerous line of work, the odds are good that he’ll end up in Simon’s hands again. He leans over Jayne ominously and says that he needs Jayne to know something: “No matter what you do or say or plot. No matter how you come down us. I will never ever harm you.” Simon goes on to say that they’re on the same crew and he’s resolving to trust him and thinks he should do the same because it’s the only way this can work. THIS IS WHY HE’S SUCH A PERFECT TV BOYFRIEND.

Lor: I’ll give you that. I mean, Mal may be naked on a rock, but Simon is classy as hell and just good peoples.

Sweeney: I try to pick ’em all classy-like.

After Simon leaves River adds, “Also: I can kill you with my brain.” River wins at everything. Jayne is appropriately terrified.

Lor: This whole scene gets an A+.

Sweeney: I want to watch it over and over, but there’s even more good stuff ahead:

Naked Mal Desert. We’re back to where the episode began, eyeing Mal’s  hip tattoo as he laments how well the job went. Inara appears to call bullshit, saying that her part was supposed to just be a failsafe in case the actual plan went wrong. “Nonsense. You had a key role to play in this. How sad would you have been if you hadn’t gotten to play it.”

“Heartbroken,” she answers before eyeing Mal appreciatively as he boards Serenity calling orders to Wash. Wash is too giggly to take Mal seriously, but Mal acts as though there is nothing wrong with this picture. Because there isn’t. There are zero things wrong with this picture. “Good day,” Mal says as he closes the ship and kicks off the end credits.

Good day, indeed! Not a whole lot in terms of forward movement, which is a bummer seeing how close we are to the tragic premature end of things. I can’t say it lessens my love for this episode any. Christina Hendricks’s character is batshit crazy in a fun way, and they had a big elaborate heist in which almost everyone had a job. Emphasis on that almost because I’m sad to see us without Book again. Admittedly, I didn’t really notice his absence until near the end when I had a, “Huh. No Book.” moment. Sorry, Book. I love that Inara got to be a proper badass and help out in a legit way (rather than the contrived afterthought contribution she made last time), proving herself to be every bit a part of the family.

And, of course, naked Mal. This episode gets a lot of points for that alone.

Sara: All the points. All the points in the ‘verse.

Lor: Maybe if they had more episodes with naked Mal, Fox would’ve renewed.

 

Next time: Mal and Zoe get a package with a person in it in Firefly S01 E12 – The Message.