Previously: The girls once again committed the felony of being near or around a shovel and not-Mona-A knows about it.
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Blood is the New Black
Sweeney: Piper Mom is teaching some plot relevant lessons that allow the zoomy cameraman to capture “A” and “insane” on the blackboard. She talks about how desperate actions seemed necessary but were actually stupid. The girls are too busy staring off into space and thinking about how this applies to them being near or around a shovel to take notes, which displeases Piper Mom. But also fuck her. Emily opens her purse to find a creepy necklace made of teeth and letters spelling out, “DEAD GIRLS CAN’T SMILE” and runs to the bathroom, and the other girls also see themselves out in the middle of class because Piper Mom is a sham of an adult whose authority is respected by no one.
Sara: Interrupting just to say that Aria’s dress is on point.
Sweeney: In the bathroom the girls take turns holding the Serial Killer Summer Camp Necklace. (L: A+) Spencer tries to make everyone calm down, suggesting that they aren’t teeth. Hanna says she totes knows teeth because that two days where she ostensibly answered phones in a dentist’s office bust mostly just tried to steal Jenna’s psych files are like PLL’s version of “that time Xander was a soldier for Halloween.” They hear people in the halls, so they hide in a stall, though nobody actually comes into this bathroom for the whole of their passing period.
They talk about their long history of lying to police officers and losing/withholding evidence and how it’s really hard to know whether they should keep lying to police officers and withholding evidence they will eventually lose. While they are bickering, Aria drops the necklace in the toilet. Spencer is, of course, the only one willing to roll up her sleeves and fetch it out. Unfortunately, they are motion activated flushers AND THEY FLUSH THE NECKLACE.
THE GIRLS ACTUALLY FLUSHED EVIDENCE DOWN THE TOILET.
This is the sort of thing we would snarkily accuse of doing, being purely hyperbolic in our accusations about their inability to retain evidence. But no, this is now an actual thing that they actually did. Amazing.
Lorraine: When I saw this happen, I was cracking up and dying to share this moment with someone. Of course, no one else would understand why this is fantastic. So, I sent an email to the girls. And now, we can laugh together: THEY FLUSHED EVIDENCE DOWN THE TOILET, Y’ALL.
Sara: At least it was an accident this time, and not a plot blender situation?
Sweeney: SHHHH
After the credits the girls can’t believe they lost it, but I can. They all get on Hanna about talking to Mona to get answers, but she reminds them that they just got mad at her for that. Spencer agrees to work on Garrett if Hanna agrees to talk to Mona. She storms off, but it’s an implied, “Ugh, fine,” storming off.
Not-Blind!Jenna comes out as Hanna goes in and the girls speculate about her potential A-Team status. Jenna gets extra blind to compensate for not being blind and the girls notice that she is behaving extra blind.
Lor: I love that they noticed. I mean, not that it’s hard for Jenna to seem more blind, given that she was pretty much not blind when she was blind.
Sweeney: It was such a ridiculous only-on-PLL conversation. Not as good as flushing evidence, but still pretty amusing.
Hanna finds to Caleb to lie to him about after school plans, now that she’s agreed to do the Mona thing. Caleb can see right through her wash-my-hair-forever excuse, but doesn’t call her on it. Just smiles and agrees to reschedule for tomorrow.
Emily is talking about actual classes in the halls. LOL. Apparently not going to those because of all the time you spend being stalked/attacked/drugged/shovel-hunting in lieu of classes actually can do some damage to your grades at your sham-school. Aria has the amazeballs plan that she hit up her Pedobear boyfriend for help, you know, with education being his dream but him also being unable to be gainfully employed anywhere in the area due to his pedophilia. Spencer rightly points out how awkward.
They are distracted by a Ghost From Bratgomery’s Bullshit Past in the form of Papa Cheater’s mistress, Center Stage/Meredith. Aria asks her why she’s there and Center Stage says she’s there to apply for a teaching position. She is inappropriately catty with Aria because nobody in this town emotionally matures beyond age 16.
Lor: Can you call CPS on a whole town?
Sara: For once, I want to defend Aria and punch Meredith in her stupid face. Weird.
Sweeney: Pedzrafitz Babysitting Car. Aria complains about her day at school, repeatedly asking who the hell would give Center Stage a reference, to which Ezra just responds that Aria should probably not tell either of her parents what she knows, which leads me to believe/hope that he is her reference, because LOL. (S: OMG YES.) Aria whines about how not fair it is that she still has to be sneaky about her pedolationship and Emily calls. Aria bad friends that she needs to call Ezra and hangs up on her. Ezra’s all, “Ugh, I can only have one baby girlfriend at a time,” but they make out and then Emily calls so Aria leaves.
Laughing Out Loud Police Department. Garrett offers Spencer a whole lot of nothing in the way of direct information, but says with great emphasis that MEDICAL RECORDS don’t lie, and that someone close to her is betraying her. I get what you’re doing here, dude, but if you want “the best lawyer in the state” you should probably be willing to name some names outright.
Pysche Ward of Gossip and Secrets. Hanna’s gushing to Mona about everything that’s going on in school, while Mona stares blankly at the window. Hanna asks about Noel coming to visit her and this gets Mona to at least look at her. Hanna deduces that she’s the only one who has come to visit. Then she freaks out, adding that she left out the part about how Mona ran her over which is part of how Mona finds herself in this psych ward instead of jail, which means Mona mega seriously owes her something in the way of answers. It escalates into a full-fledged tantrum and she throws a chair. Wren instantly appears to tell Hanna she’s gotta go. Mona eyes Wren and Hanna’s pseudonym nametag that she threw in the trash during her meltdown.
Lor: Wren was totally standing outside the room with his ear pressed to the door. Only explanation.
Sweeney: Rosewood Restaurant. Emily meets Pedzra, who tells her to call him Ezra and she’s all, “Nope.” On account of him having been her teacher.
Sweeney: Ezra awkwardly interjects that he’s really sorry about Maya, even though Emily doesn’t want to talk about it, but it was super important to him that she know that.
Psyche Ward of Pedophilia. Wren is telling Hanna that he gets why she’s hurting and blah blahs about medical explanations for why this is hard and his “I volunteer sometimes” nonsense doesn’t actually explain his being around whenever Hanna is and stalking her around the building doesn’t seem like a whole lot of use.
Hastings Living Room of Age Appropriate Relationships. Spencer asks Toby a question about Jenna and the summer. He says something about how their parents were on edge after Jenna’s surgery “didn’t work,” but Spencer’s still confused and frustrated so they make out instead.
Things are heating up, but Mama Cockblock Hastings gets home and gives Toby the stink eye, even though they totes straightened themselves up before she came in. Naturally, she’s only interested in the whereabouts of her favorite child, and sticking up for that favorite child and generally being a bitch to her AWESOME CHILD, Spencer.
Aliback time! I get flushed evidence and an Aliback? It’s my lucky day. Ali and Aria are snooping around Papa Cheater’s office looking for something that’s going to help save her parents’ marriage. Aria’s sure Papa Cheater told the truth about calling it off with Center Stage, but Ali finds the envelope earring in the couch. Aria digs around and finds the other and starts to cry. Ali says that if she really wants to end this, they should make it seem like Center Stage went full blown psycho and terrorized his office. It probably felt really good to tear his stuff to shreds, too. HIS STUFF, YOU GUYS. That’s the best way to ruin someone’s life. Good job.
Sara: I laughed and laughed and wanted to high five Aria and Alison. I AM LIKING ARIA TOO MUCH THIS EPISODE. Also, regarding Alison: Bitch is cray.
Sweeney: Back in the present, the girls are inexplicably still confused and ask if Aria’s been holding onto them in her locker all this time. Why would she have been horrified at the sight of them if she put them there? Are you daft? Anyway, the actual truth is that the girls all had the opportunity to leave something nostalgic in Ali’s coffin…and Aria chose her dad’s mistress’s earrings? Because reasons. And now they’re hanging in her locker.
Lor: What the hell, Aria? Mistress Earrings is how you choose to say goodbye? Well, now that I think of it, Alison was a terrible, no good friend. It makes more sense now.
Sweeney: Pedophile Tutoring Session. Ezra says she can take an English test because she was a competitive swimmer. True story.
Rosewood High School for Lying About Disabilities. Aria’s leaving and she gets a text. Jenna calls out to her, saying that she recognized the ringtone.
Lor: WHAT. The ringtone was literally a beep or two. Like a generic cellphone beep-beep. Okay, Jenna. Okay.
Sweeney: Jenna wants Aria to accompany her at the assembly next week, but Aria’s a little rusty and also has to motorcycle to Africa, so it’s a no-go. Aria walks off and Jenna pointedly pulls the glasses down to look at Aria’s lie (no motorcycle!) as if nobody else in this entire building of people she’s lying about her disability to could see her. Good thing that zoomy cameraman doesn’t miss a thing!
Later that night, Aria is rehashing this with Hanna over the phone. Just as Aria tries to bring up Mona again, Caleb arrives with dinner and Hanna hangs up on her. Hanna eyes the clock and Caleb asks if she’s got somewhere else to be. She assures him that she doesn’t.
Sara: Caleb explains that he’s late because they gave their order to someone else, and I can’t stop hoping that the people who accidentally got their order opened up boxes of worms or fortune cookies with threats inside or something.
Sweeney: YES. Headcanon accepted.
Hastings House. Mariska Mom tears into Spencer for going to see Garrett. Spencer says she went for Emily, because she still wants answers about why Maya was killed. Mariska Mom is pretty firmly opposed to her going to visit a murdery murderer, which, OK, is actually fair. Spencer implies that there are more dangerous people that need to be caught, which does not actually help her case, especially with Spencer’s penchant for being accused of things.
Marin Manor. Hanna is picking at her food and Caleb calls her on it. He says that he thought they stopped lying to each other a long time ago. Hanna confesses that she wants to go see Mona because she was was her BFF, but Caleb suggests that the stalking/harassment/running-her-over kind of nullifies that obligation. Hanna throws some Wren jargon at Caleb, but lies that she googled it. She says she doesn’t want to have this fight and Caleb, adorably relents and says that he’ll drive her. He loves her and doesn’t want them sneaking around each other. PRECIOUS.
Lor: Unrelated to the precious: Caleb looks like he’s wearing a pale shade of pink lipstick in this scene. I was distracted.
Sweeney: Montgomery Manse. Aria stares broodily at the envelope earring when she gets an A text message ordering her to tell her dad the truth about what she and Ali did. She hides the earring in a drawer before a Not Break takes us to the next morning. She calls her dad into her room and awkwardly, slowly confesses. He asks why she’s telling him this now, but fills in the blank for her, suggesting that seeing Meredith yesterday is probably the answer. They exchange some sighs and stares, before Papa Cheater tells her she has to apologize to Center Stage.
Sara: UH. FUCK THAT. Boo fucking hoo that you were mean to your mistress, but screw him for making his daughter apologize to HIS GODDAMN MISTRESS. BY HERSELF. This is a weird day for Aria and me.
Sweeney: Agreed. I’m not used to having this much Aria sympathy, but her dad is so fucking awful that he tends to bring that out in me.
Rosewood High School for Plot Relevant Education. Emily is getting pumped up for her English makeup exam with a jam from her special lesbian swimmer soundtrack. Maybe Pedzra was right!
Caleb escorts Hanna to Mona’s hospital room door, but doesn’t go in with her. Hanna sits down and says she’s not there to throw chairs, but to return a favor. She pulls some makeup out of her purse, saying that she brought the good stuff.
In town, Toby is showing Spencer some prescription eye drops he found in the house. The expiration dates say that Jenna is renewing these eyedrops, which seems a weird thing to do if the surgery didn’t work.
Emily continues to take her test and I realize that Piper Mom didn’t erase the board. The board is full of stuff, which probably has nothing to do with this exam but is also super distracting and a really shitty teacher move. Anyway, the girl in front of Emily is putting her hair up and this sends Emily into a Pretty Wasted flashback in which she’s lying in the back of the old car and the brunette female driver is also putting her hair up in the same way. This revelation makes her drop her pen — just in time for the five minute warning. Unfortunately, she spends that entire five minutes on a two second continuation of the Pretty Wasted Flashback, in which she confirms that it was Not-Blind!Jenna. Piper Mom seems willing to maybe bend the rules for Emily if she’s not done, but Emily’s in a hurry to get out of there.
Lor: I never gave thought to how long flashbacks lasted, but five minutes? Man, that’s intense.
Sweeney: Coffee Shop of Undeserved Apologies. Aria finds Center Stage and sits down, starting to rehash what happened, ending in an apology. Center Stage smugly says that she has lunch plans with her father. Aria is shell shocked, but starts to return the earring, promising to give her the other as soon as she gets it. Center Stage is confused, and says it doesn’t belong to her.
Lor: Yeah, the odds of finding two earrings in the couch seemed off. I’m thinking Alison planted them. Official Loud & Probably Wrong Guess!
Sweeney: I had the same thought! Or thoughts – both that finding the pair was weird and that probs Alison planted them. We can be Loud & Probably Wrong together.
Spencer ignores Mariska Mom’s demands, due to her being a bitch. Garrett’s with his lawyer, though, so she has to wait. From the hall she hears Mariska Mom ask the sign-in cop for a list of all Garrett’s visitors for the last five months, but he says she’ll have to come back for it tomorrow. Spencer hides from her mom by looking at the wall, because that’s how easy it is for her mom to forget her younger (better) child exists.
Caleb is still sitting outside Mona’s room. Wren’s volunteer-stalking means it’s time for him to show up and casually inform Caleb that Hanna lied and has been visiting and also didn’t Google shit. Literally that’s the only reason he’s there. He does that and leaves. Caleb is not pleased.
Spencer finally gets to see Garrett but he tells her his new attorney told him no more talking. Given that Mariska Mom still seems to think he’s guilty and Spencer never asked her to help, Spencer is confused. Garrett just smirks at her and refuses to say anything else.
Rosewood High School for Nepotism. Piper Mom is looking at Emily’s largely unfinished test and then gets some feels, so she decides to start filling in some of the missing answers. Hallway noises and the shaky cameraman suggest that maybe somebody saw this.
Lor: Someone saw Piper Mom holding a pen while at her desk. I call bullshit on them knowing what the hell she was doing without standing next to her. But, okay. We’ll see.
Sweeney: Hanna keeps prettying Mona up, but Mona’s not talking, so Hanna starts to give up. Finally Mona speaks up and notes that Hanna’s getting the texts again. She’s interrupted by Caleb, saying that visiting hours are over. Hanna tries to buy more time, but Mona won’t say anything else. Hanna insists that she’s coming back. Once Hanna leaves, Mona pulls a pair of tweezers out from under her legs and uses them to stab herself and the shot is needlessly dragged out.
Piper Mom is finally erasing that board when Pedzra walks in to check on how Emily did, which is probably not a wise choice for someone with a known predilection for high school girls. Piper Mom assures him that Emily did fine, in really drawn out language that basically says, “Yep, I filled in the right answers for her.”
PLL Private Bathroom. Hanna’s telling the girls what Mona said and Spencer’s adamant that now it’s EXTRA important for Hanna to go back and talk to Mona alone. Hanna wants to focus on the fact that Mariska Mom is suddenly defending Garrett, which completely undermines any wish to dissociate her daughter from accomplice status. Emily keeps trying to assure the girls that her Pretty Wasted Flashback is legit and that Jenna is totally not blind and also driving illegally since lying about her disability surely keeps her from having a license. Scandal! Probably abducting blackout drunk girls is the greater sin here.
Lor: I don’t know. I mean, did Jenna conveniently learn how to drive early, at some point before being blinded? ‘Cause if she’s behind that wheel, trying to figure it out… okay, yeah. Abduction is still the greater sin.
Sweeney: The girls start to leave the bathroom, but see Jenna coming for the bathroom to refill her water bottle, so they run back in.
Spencer gets the earring from Aria and places it on the ledge in front of the mirror. The girls all hide in the stalls to watch. Sure enough, Jenna takes the bait. She pulls her sunglasses off, and eyes it in a way that suggests she’s familiar with it, before putting it back and leaving.
The girls burst out of the stalls and 3/4 Liars are ready for a Not Blind Beatdown, but Spencer tells them to cool their tits because as long as Jenna doesn’t know that they know, this can actually be useful information and they can do a tactical smart thing for a change.
A-nonymous. A is buying a new pair of black leather gloves and a crap ton of black hoodies. The sales guy rings up A. “So…you buying all these for a team.” GET IT. LIKE THE A TEAM.
Next time: Spencer discovers her family has another secret in Pretty Little Liars S03 E03 – Kingdom of the Blind.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
