Veronica Mars S01 E06 – Class corruption

Previously: Troy was a dick, but thankfully, Veronica was smarter than him.
—

Return of the Kane

Democracy Diva: We begin in a ridiculously fancy-shmancy driveway. I start to worry that everything on this show will make me think about Marissa Cooper, because all I can see is the sun setting behind her dead-eyed, expressionless face. Anyway, the driveway belongs to Logan, and he’s yelling at some tourists who are trying to catch a glimpse of his apparently super-famous dad. #richpeopleproblems

At Neptune High, Duncan and Jake Kane are being boring. Dad wants son to run for student council; son has no fucks to give. Jake mentions a “Reign of Kane” and I laugh forever because he’s the worst. I no longer think you killed your daughter, Jake, because I don’t even think you’re competent enough to have accomplished such a thing. (L: Not competent enough to have… slain a Kane? Okay. Sorry.) (S: I LOL’d) (D: Never apologize for goofy rhymes.) Meanwhile, Veronica’s bitching to Wallace about how her dad won’t stop dragging her to zoos and other fun places, and Wallace is all, well, my dad’s dead, so I win. Fun convo, you guys.

Lorraine: I kind of love him for guilt tripping her with the dead dad card. Way to remind your homegirl that hanging out with her dad at the zoo is a #firstworldproblem.

Sweeney: And that I can’t think of a single teenager in Traumaland who wouldn’t trade places with her in a heartbeat. (Emily Fields is the only active roster teen with a good dad, and he’s off fighting and probably dying soon at war.) Sandy Cohen Eyebrows forever and ever.

Diva: A blonde girl and a bad girl are fighting, because that’s how all great stories and pornos begin. Apparently, Neptune High has a “Pirate Points” system that gives privileges to people who either play sports or are total Marcia Brady-looking bitches. Basically, Pirate Points enable kids who do school-spirity things to order in food for lunch, and Marcia Brady doesn’t want Bad Girl to have these elitist lunch privileges. So when the principal tries to take Bad Girl’s lunch away from her, she jumps on the table and stomps all over Marcia Brady’s pizza. Guys, I don’t even know what is happening right now. Also, it should be known that Bad Girl’s name is Wanda. Marcia Brady has a name too, but I’m not calling her anything other than Marcia Brady.

Lor: I approve. Also, use of pizza in a fight will never not remind me of pizza on your dog diplomacy, a tag that truly doesn’t get enough use. Of course, pizza is supposed to solve problems, but I don’t have hope for Wanda and Marcia Brady getting along.

Sweeney: I AM DYING RIGHT NOW. I forgot that tag existed but will now try to work it into everything ever. I bet they would have gotten along if Wanda had just thrown a slice of pizza on Marcia Brady’s dog.

Diva: Amazing tag is amazing.

Back at the Mars house, Veronica and Keith talk in cute accents because they’re adorable. She’s making sundaes for dinner, and I want to live with them and pretend maraschino cherries are on the food pyramid. The news is on, talking about Abel Koontz, the man who was convicted for Lilly’s murder. He’s going to be executed sometime in the next year, giving the Powers That Be Contriving lots of time to avert this disaster.

Green-Lit Ghost!Lilly appears, deadpanning that her soul is “doomed to walk the earth until justice has been served,” but also she’s there for fashion advice. Democracy Diva approves of your fashion advice but would prefer less soul-talk.

At school, Cool Journalism Teacher Whose Name I Still Can’t Remember (L: That’s why I call her Teacher Tamiia Poitier) wants Veronica to write about the school election. V says she already knows who wins, and it’s the “brown-nosing resume-builder,” and I giggle, but she agrees to do the story. Bad Girl Wanda is running for student council to abolish Pirate Points. Because they’re insane. Logan’s trying to convince Duncan to fulfill his inevitable destiny of political mediocrity, but Duncan isn’t into it.

Lor: What the hell would Logan get Pirate Points for? Organized Brooding? Synchronized Puppy Dog Eyes?

Sweeney: My guess was that 09-er filled journalism — a class that I’m guessing requires recommendation from a counselor or teacher or The Powers That Be Contriving to give Veronica a school-appropriate application of her sleuthy skills — is a Pirate Point earner. This theory is denied later, so I assume he’s just content to have Pirate Point having friends ordering in pizza every day.

Lor: The friends in high Pirate Point places is probably the right answer, but that isn’t going to stop me from guessing how Logan would be earning Pirate Points.

Diva: I assume he gets the highly-coveted “My Dad Is Super-Famous” Pirate Points. C’MON NOW SUGAR!

Veronica’s interviewing Wanda, who mentions that the rich “get away with murder.” It seemed important enough to mention. Cut to Logan, telling a homeless veteran to stop cleaning his windshield. I was already offended, and then Logan offers the Marine $100 to fight for him in some sort of disgusting fight club that isn’t cool because Brad Pitt isn’t in it. (I’m only joking to stop myself for screaming about how angry I am right now.) The Marine refuses, and unfortunately does not murder Logan right then and there. (Lor: Pirate Points for being a Champion Jerk?)

Back at Pirate Points Central, a Duncan for President ad airs on the classroom’s TV, much to Duncan’s surprise. Logan went and got his famous dad to endorse Duncan. Ugh, I would have fucking hated the kid who pulled shit like that to win a goddamn student council election. Veronica chooses “B” on her ballot, voting for Bad Girl Wanda.

Sweeney: Wanda made this about class warfare and Logan got his movie star father to make the 09er-iest ad possible. I didn’t know you could make, “Fuck poor people,” ads in a student council election.

Diva: If Mitt Romney can do them for presidential elections, anything’s possible!

Any-political-tangent-way, Veronica Voice Over [VVO] about Abel Koontz. V’s doing research and opens Keith’s safe to read his confidential Lilly files. Cut to Logan’s disgusting “boxing” match. He managed to find two men desperate enough to take his money, and I can’t even watch this. If Logan has a redemption story, I don’t want to know about it, because I’m already against it.

Back at the Mars office, Veronica hears Keith coming in and quickly hides the fact that she was Lilly-snooping in his safe. Back at school, the students are all chanting Wanda’s name, just as they announce that the new student council president is . . . DUNCAN! Wallace and Veronica call bullshit on this being a legit election. And who better to help support a fraudulent election than JANE LYNCH, who plays the unreasonably manipulative student council advisor! Jane Lynch is all Lady Rulebook about how Veronica needs a teacher’s permission in order to challenge the validity of the election. #funwithbylaws

Lor: Jane Lynch is so at home terrorizing high school classrooms and hallways.

Diva: It’s just where she thrives.

When Veronica immediately returns up with Cool Teacher, Jane Lynch takes her aside and lectures her on letting Veronica manipulate her. It’s hilarious, because Jane Lynch is the one being manipulative as shit right now. But Cool Teacher is too smart to fall for her bullshit, and lets Veronica continue with the challenge.

Back in the school’s office, it’s casually mentioned that the students have to put their student I.D. numbers on their ballots and I am fucking flabbergasted. It’s not even a secret ballot? Pirate points, and the administration can look up who you vote for? This is one seriously corrupt high school, which only becomes more clear when we see just how someone messed with the ballots. Veronica voted B on the ballot, for Wanda, but in all the classrooms that were most likely to vote for Wanda (art, music, and nerdy things), the students were told B was for Duncan. Hence, Duncan’s landslide.

Anyway, the lame-ass principal asks Veronica who exactly she’s accusing. Um, she did all the investigation for you, and she’s a child. Man up and do the finger-pointing yourself, dick. Anyway, Marcia Brady did it, because all blondes who aren’t named Sweeney are terrible.

Lor: DIVA SAID IT, NOT ME.

Sweeney: I’m aware that you gave me a pass, but on behalf of Veronica, the princesses of Tangled and Frozen, and blonde bitches everywhere:

(But also, yeah, Madison Sinclair/Marcia Brady is fucking evil.)

Diva: Well, now I’m even more glad I said it, because it led to that phenomenal gif.

Blah, blah, there’s a recall, no more Pirate Points for Marcia Brady, and I don’t care because I just want to know about Lilly’s murder. Flashback to Veronica doodling on Lilly’s sneakers, which we briefly saw on the news when they were discussing Koontz. Cut to Duncan and Jake eating fast food. Jake says he’s tired of Duncan’s cynicism. I’d call it grief, not cynicism, but, okay.

At school, people have defaced Wanda’s posters and her car, calling her a narc. Veronica blames Logan, who says he doesn’t have time to be responsible for everything that goes wrong in her life, because he’s busy being a hemorrhoid on the butthole of humanity.

Lor: Varsity Humanity Hemorrhoid?

Diva: That’s how he’s been earning Pirate Points!

And of course, there’s a video online of Logan’s hideous “fight club,” because there was very obviously someone videotaping it, and YOUR DAD IS FAMOUS, YOU MORON, HOW WOULD THIS NOT GET LEAKED.

Back at Logan’s house, it’s dark and scary and Logan’s dad knows what happened. Instead of being disgusted with his son for showing virtually no appreciation for the value of human beings, he takes the route of, “Do you know how shitty this PR is going to be for me?” I’m sitting here screaming at Logan for his complete ignorance of the idea that homeless or impoverished or brown people might actually be deserving of some modicum of respect or dignity, but no, this is really about his poor rich famous daddy’s good press. I am actually in danger of vomiting all over my computer. (S: A valid reaction, but be careful because Snark HQ doesn’t have the budget to replace computers lost to TV induced vomiting.)

Weevil fulfills his thirty-second requirement for being on this show and helpfully exposits that Wanda might actually be a narc.

Veronica invites Wanda to a rave, making it clear that she (Veronica) has an ecstasy guy. Wanda’s jealous of her connections. During the recall vote, Veronica is mulling over Wanda’s fondness for ecstasy and potentially narc-iness, and flashbacks to Duncan being nice to a nerd. This time around, she votes for Duncan. (S: She does a whole introspective who-to-vote-for bit, but her ballot’s already marked before it begins.)

At a nearby homeless shelter, Logan’s dad has set up a staged, publicized volunteer session for Logan, followed by an interview. When the first words out of Logan’s mouth were, “I know now that what I did was wrong,” I had to pause my computer and scream into a pillow for awhile. NOW? You know NOW that it was wrong of you to offer homeless men money to fight each other for your own sick entertainment? Everyone in the room is acting like this is heartwarming, and I’m ready to punch a hole through my laptop except I don’t have Logan’s debilitating wealth so I need to hang onto this one for awhile.

Logan announces, to his dad’s surprise, that his dad is donating half a million dollars to this food bank. That makes me happy for the food bank and for the hungry population of the greater Neptune area, but it doesn’t make me like Logan even a modicum more. But as much as I hate him, when Logan gets home, I feel sorry as hell for him as we listen to his father whip him with a belt as Lisa Rinna (Logan’s mom) heartlessly sips a cocktail in the next room. Thanks, show. Now I hate this kid with a fiery passion AND pity him. Awesome. (L: A Nationally Ranked Child of Shitty Parenting. That’s my final guess.) (S: Aaaand a big WHAT UP to new contenders for 2015’s Negligent Parent of the Year award!)

Back at Neptune High, a Baby Sherriff wants to check Veronica’s locker for contraband, which she doesn’t have. They announce Duncan as the winner of the election, and Veronica confronts Wanda about narc-ing on her. Wanda was busted for possession last year, and could only keep it off her record by ratting out her classmates. Neptune High, everybody.

Lor: Stay classy.

Sweeney: But also, this doesn’t actually make sense. How long is she required to keep ratting? How can they keep monitoring this? There’s no reason Wanda actually had to do that, other than being a bitch.

Diva: It makes no sense, but Pirate Points make even less sense, so in the moment, it didn’t even shock me.

Jane Lynch introduces President Duncan Kane, of the Reign of Kane fame, which falls mainly on the plains in Spain. President Duncan proclaims that no one will ever lose a single precious pirate point, but now they’ll be available to students on honor roll, students in band, vocational students, and all the poor, non-cool kids who were previously ineligible. Yes, that’s right – they were giving privileges to cheerleaders, but not the kids on honor roll. ‘Murica.

At home, Veronica realizes Keith changed the combination to his safe, and knowing he knows she’s been snooping, she comes clean about investigating Lilly’s murder. She shows him the enlargement of the photo of Lilly’s drawn-on sneakers, taken at the scene of the crime, and compares it to the arrest tape, where they see the same shoes. Keith wonders what they were doing in Koontz’s possession, but I guess I won’t know until next week. Or like a billionty weeks after that. (S: Girl, this is episode 6 in a 22 episode season. Hunker down.) (L: LOL. Your, “UGH WHO KILLED HER” reactions are my favorite. We’ll get there girl. I promise.) (D: BUT I’M IMPATIENT!)

This was a rough episode for me. I felt emotionally manipulated into feeling bad for Logan after he did a lot of really shitty things that weren’t remotely justified by his abusive father. The heartwarming reactions to his bullshit apology and the fact that he never actually was told why this was wrong just added to my frustration. And all the student council shenanigans kind of felt like filler compared to the Lilly murder stuff. I just want to see Veronica and Keith team up and put their investigatory powers together to figure some Lilly shit out.

Lor: This was definitely a bit of a slower episode than the previous five, probably because there was less to care about in the case of the week. The character stuff was pretty good for me, though I have the advantage of knowing the future. The weakest part was definitely the class warfare/class election stuff, just because it was hamfisted. I liked seeing Papa Kane be more of an actual human. He’s pushing Duncan, but it has that feeling of, “DO YOU LIKE ANYTHING AT ALL?” I can relate to that because at that point in high school, I was pretty much interested in nothing, and I wasn’t even battling depression thanks to my dead sister.

It was a study of Papas in this episode. Papa Kane came out looking better and Papa Echolls, well… shit. I’m not sure that we are supposed to forgive Logan for being an asshole just because of his father, but it certainly explains some things about him. 

Lastly there was Keith. It’s exciting to think of these two working together and pooling their resources. Keith wants to move on and let the case go, but Veronica can’t. It isn’t just about solving the case for Veronica, like it was for Keith. This was her best friend, you know? Keith Mars doesn’t push like Papa Kane and he doesn’t abuse like Papa Echolls– he waits on the couch for his daughter to come to him. And she does.

Man, I love those two.

Diva: 1430 for your PhD-level Papas case study analysis. Team Mars, forever and ever.

 

Next time: Veronica’s pregnant neighbor goes missing in Veronica Mars S01 E07 – The Girl Next Door.