Angel S04 E17 – Outlook not so good.

Previously: The Gang knew Cordelia was evil and tricked her into revealing it, all while Gwen and Gunn hooked up.
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Inside Out

Lorraine: The stare down from the end of last episode continues. I wanted to think that Lorne was in the background this whole time playing with his Magic 8 Ball, but a wider shot reveals he’s holding a crossbow. Damn.

Cordevilia asks Angel what finally tipped him off to the evil. He says it was a slip of the tongue as earlier, Cordelia called her demon spawn, “my sweet” which was apparently a phrase she used while she was talking to Angelus via head-intercom. Cordelia’s all, “SERIOUSLY?” because considering that she was wearing a giant I’M FUCKING EVIL outfit, and generally acting shady as shit, saying a few simple words seems like a lousy way to go down. If The Princess Bride taught me anything, though, it’s that simple phrases can identify you like woah.

Kirsti: #accurate. Bonus points for including that completely necessary Westley gif. Can we just skip the rest of this season and watch The Princess Bride on an endless loop instead???

Lor: Magic 8 Ball says, “Don’t count on it.”

Wesley chimes in to say all the circumstantial evidence points to Cordevilia, though Angel insists that whoever this person is, she isn’t Cordelia. Angel grabs her by the throat and asks where the real Cordy is when the grand master Little Shit comes crashing through the ceiling. He fights off the whole Gang easily and we’ll attribute it to the element of surprise…?  I know that Cordelia has been manipulating him to this very end all along, but it seems that all we watch Connor do is crash into situations, few questions asked, and fuck things up. I mean, I guess you can say it’s at least a consistent character flaw, but it’s one that makes his character highly unsympathetic.

Sweeney: I actually rewatched this scene to try to make sense out of how he managed to overcome the entire group so easily and it still smelled of contrivance and bullshit. Also, yes, way over Connor’s bratting and trail of stupidity.

Lor: Anyway, Connor grabs Cordy and they run off together as an overhead shot shows the Gang all knocked out AND THEN LIKE A GIFT FROM THE VERY HEAVENS, THE 8 BALL ROLLS INTO THE SHOT. I don’t know where the hell it’s been, or where it’s coming from or what possible explanation there is for it rolling a full minute or two after Lorne was knocked out, but whatever. It takes the scenic route, rolls into the frame, bounces off of Angel’s hand and the Zoomy Cameraman does his thing and shows us that it reads, “ask again later.” I just want to know who the hell thought, “I know. Someone get an 8 Ball. It’ll be great.”

K: Let’s be honest here – it’s the funniest thing that’s happened in approximately 5eva (with the exception of Disco!Angel), so I’m okay with it.

Sweeney: More importantly: guess what I’m now getting my fellow Snark Ladies for Christmas?

Lor: Magic 8 Ball says, “It is decidedly so.”

Electric cellos.

After the credits, Gunn returns to the Brooding Hotel to find the rest of the Gang licking their wounds. They fill him in on Cordelia being the Beast Master, though Angel isn’t convinced it truly is Cordelia. He also says that Connor isn’t a part of the villainry. He’s just confused. Angel adds a DOT DOT DOT. AGAIN. to highlight my earlier point. It’s okay, Connor. Cordelia is, after all, mystically pregnant (S: DOT DOT DOT.) again.

From there, the Gang start piecing together the story of Cordevilia, 16 episodes in the making. They figure that something is inside Cordy, calling the shots, something they woke up when they had Lorne do the spell to read her. That’s what Wolfram and Hart extracted from Lorne’s brain. Cordevilia was the one who killed Manny, killed the Svear Priestesses, stole Angel’s soul, put a spell on Lorne to mess with his powers, killed Lilah and wore an outfit design to scare characters and audiences alike. I added in that last part myself.

K: Meanwhile, you left out the part where they worked out that to kill Manny without getting blood on her clothes, she AXE MURDERED HIM IN THE NUDE. As one does.

Sweeney: As one does. It was interesting to do a quick rehash of All. The. Crazy.

Lor: Speak of the crazy, we cut to Connor and Cordelia. He asks her why the Gang was trying to hurt her and she dials the manipulation up as she replies that they are scared of their relationship and spawn. Connor was super worried when he couldn’t find Cordy, so he followed her scent. That will never stop being creepy. (S: Connor manages to make it even creepier.) She says that Angel clearly hates Connor and has turned everyone against him. They kiss briefly and Cordevilia calls him a sweet boy. He vows to kill everyone before he lets them hurt her.

Cut to Brooding HQ where Wesley sits at desk and Angel walks in saying he wasn’t able to sniff out the Creepy C’s. (S: Legit though, he said this and I was all, “By comparison, this somehow becomes less creepifying.”) Angel picks up and studies a picture of Cordelia he drew. I love Angel and art but this OTP moment is a little tainted by how much I hate everything about this Cordevilia storyline. But, like, if you can enjoy it, look! Angel and art!

Angel broods a bit about Cordevilia’s manipulation and Wesley stands to better brood-one-up-him, because he lost Lilah. Angel tries to commiserate, but Wesley points out that they were mortal enemies. He asks why Angel would even care what happened to her. Angel: “Because you did.” This is the closest thing to a bro-moment we’ve had in a long time, right? My Angel memory isn’t great. It was nice. The Tinkly Orchestra picks up and Wesley turns dramatically and if these two kissed lightly and then passionately next, it wouldn’t surprise me.

K: SRSLY. Also, that totally would have been an improvement on the forthcoming plot.

Sweeney: Probably. I actually had an, “Aw” moment while watching this show and it feels like that’s never happened before, but it’s mostly that it’s just been that. long. (And that it’s fallen that. low.)

Lor: Alas. Wesley points to the research and says he doubts they’ll find anything, considering that the Beast Master deleted all accounts of the Beast from history. Angel suggests another pan-dimensional text, but it’ll take time to find one. Wesley then suggests involving the Powers That Be (Contriving) and Angel gives that a big “YEAH. RIGHT.” because they’ve refused to help him before and also because they’ve been presumably watching this whole shit show and haven’t done anything to stop it. Angel thinks they need someone who isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty.

Cut to Manipulation Station, or rather an abandoned building of some sort. Cordelia complains about the new hideout having hooks hanging from the ceiling and Connor, looking awful distraught or else like he is still capable of wearing your skin, offers to look for a new place. Cordelia notices that he’s struggling, and tries to assure him that things will be fine. Connor just can’t believe that Angel tried to kill Cordelia. He thought the Fang Gang were good. This gives Cordelia an opening to give a manipu-speech about how good and evil are arbitrary and Connor doesn’t have to worry about that anymore because he’s super special.

Sweeney: That’s some cult leader shit right there. Her costume adds a lot to that vibe.

Lor: Brooding HQ. The Gang is going through Cordelia’s things, but not finding much of anything. Angel tells them to keep working as he’s heading off on a mission. Fred tries to convince him to stay, but he swears it’ll be a walk in the park.

Cut to a demon going down in a dark cave or lair. “I really hate the park,” Angel offers. Because see, he just said… the thing… about the park. I’M NOT WRITING IT, OKAY? I’M JUST THE RECAPPER. Further into the lair, Angel sneaks up on a demon facing away from us, but it’s just Skip, the demon who reminds me of both a bull and a cockroach. Skip makes with some small talk, offering Angel some Buffalo wings, but Angel is there on business. He wants to know about Cordelia. Skip plays dumb at first, but then admits that yeah, he was Cordelia’s guide and was also there for the ascension. The fact that Cordelia is back, though, seems like news to him. Skip: “Nobody comes back from paradise. Okay, a Slayer once…” And that was a disaster. And season 4 of Angel is… Wait. I suddenly see the correlation.

K: Meanwhile, I’m taking crossover magic shots, because I DO WHAT I WANT. 

Lor: Angel is suspicious. Whatever is controlling Cordy needed her in the higher plane, so either Skip was played for a dupe or he’s been in on it the whole time. Skip laughs nervously and Angel fake-laughs along with him. Skip says that whatever is going on, he’s not a dupe. He raises his forearm and a dagger comes out of his skin. Cut to black.

We join them again fighting each other. Skip seems to be winning easily.

Manipulation Station. Cordevilia’s newest manipu-speech involves having Connor feel the baby kick. She goes on about how Angel won’t stop until he finds them. Connor is confident that he can stop his papa, but Cordelia thinks the week or two left before the baby comes is too big a risk to take. She suggest perhaps bringing their demon spawn into the world early, but she’ll need Connor to get her some special items.

Angel is still getting his butt kicked by Skip. He keeps standing up, though, and demanding that Skip tell him what happened to Cordelia. Skip villain gloats about how Angel is going to die never knowing what happened to her. Angel grabs a nearby chain and suddenly feels like maybe he can fight better than he has for the last however long, because of reasons. He stands with the chain and the first swing manages to cut Skip’s skin blade off and then pull off one of his horn-things, leaving a hole on the side of his head. More punches with the chain and Skip is knocked out.

Brooding HQ. Angel appears suddenly with a still out cold Skip, scaring the heck out of Fred. He struggles to catch his breath but tells the others to bind Skip to their dimension.

In some random alley, a vampire tells a young girl that he really likes virgins. Before he gets a bite, Connor stakes the vampire. Like A Virgin sobs her thank you. Connor looks around and then knocks her out. We cut to Cordevilia telling him that she’s perfect. FFS, CONNOR. And on top of that now I have to hear ANOTHER manipu-speech delivered by Cordevilia about how the heart will lie to you and how Like A Virgin is just a normal person so that killing her will give her life meaning.

K: Meanwhile, I’m wondering how the hell monster-y villains always know that someone’s a virgin. You know, apart from that one time when Wes Pretended To Be Angel… 

Sweeney: There’s a repulsive super smell joke to be made here but there’s also permanent banishment to the Shame Corner for making it.

Lor: And no one wants to be there.

At the hotel, Fred and Angel threaten Skip with something called the Sphere of Infinite Agonies. Only takes 20 minutes to whip up. Sounds like something that would’ve been helpful in case of Angelus. Anyway, Skip starts talking. He explains that Cordevilia IS Cordelia, but that something else is controlling her. He snarks that Cordelia wasn’t chosen for a higher plane because she was actually a saint; it was all part of an evil plan.

Manipulation Station. Cordelia chants. Connor hides. The Zoomy Cameraman zooms in on a still knocked out Like A Virgin. We zoom and zoom and suddenly her eyes open. Connor has brought her water. Can’t be ritually sacrificed while dehydrated, am I right? Like A Virgin pleads for her life, but Connor is distracted by a whispering voice telling him to listen. He asks if someone is there and DARLA! appears in a slight variation of the Pretty White Virginal Dress. She was evil for many years, after all. Her dress is more nude, but it’s paired tastefully with a white cardigan. Julie Benz looks lovely.

K: Man, it’s almost like the script writers knew their work was shit this season, and went “You know what? Let’s add some Eliza Dushku, some Alyson Hannigan, and some Julie Benz to the equation so that people don’t COMPLETELY stop watching.”

Sweeney: I hate that it’s working, but I won’t lie: I love all of their appearances. (I’d also add Gwen to the list of flail-worthy characters thrown in to offset shit plots.)

Lor: Darla claims that TPTB(c) have sent her with a message. Connor pulls the whole, “YOU’RE NOT MY MOMMY,” card, though Darla says she’ll always be a part of him. They shared a soul, once upon a time, and he is the only good thing she did in her life. Some of us would question her definition of the word, “good.” Connor insists that they need that innocent blood for the baby, but Darla asks if he really thinks they can keep the baby safe with evil deeds. Connor regurgitates Cordevilia’s point about good and evil just being words, but Darla asks him not to let her death be in vain.

Skip admits that he doesn’t know the name of the thing that is driving around inside of Cordy. Angel doesn’t think this makes any sense, seeing as how Cordy was picked to be a higher being because she chose to keep the visions. Unless of course someone made the vision thing happen. And then Skip leads us to believe that pretty much everything that has happened to the Fang Gang over the last four seasons has somehow been orchestrated by someone. Like, yes we know that almost everything that ever happens on this show is a flaming bag of contrivance, but it’s even contrivier than that because someone contrived it to be so contrived.

K: Hate hate haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate. They just effectively retconned the ENTIRE SERIES because now Cordy never made a single decision of her own. Everything was contrivance-y manipulation by evil forces to get the Big Bad down here, even the kiss between her and Doyle. BRB, BURNING EVERYTHING DOWN. AGAIN. FINE, I’LL BURN DOWN THE EMPTY SHELLS OF WHAT’S LEFT FROM LAST TIME WE BURNT EVERYTHING DOWN. WHATEVER.

Sweeney: Agreed. Mega hate that in addition to a season’s worth of character assassination, they’ve just retroactively squashed past!Cordelia too. FUCK. I hate this. It also speaks volumes to how bullshit and contrived this show has become that I’m all, “Yeah, sure. Flaming pile of retcon makes as much sense as anything else.”

Lor: The end game of all this masterminding was to create a vessel for the big evil to get down into this dimension in. So basically whatever is controlling Cordelia is going to give birth to itself and the only way to stop it is to kill Cordelia. Angel wants to find Cordelia and Skip inadvertently tells them how to.

Manipulation Station. Connor says everyone wanted to kill him back when he was a demon fetus, but Darla says that all changed during those few weeks when they were all changing his poopie diapers, or something. He has a choice in all this, though he doesn’t feel that way because they are hunting them down like animals. Darla says it’s because he’s acting like an animal. She killed a ton of people because she had no soul. What’s Connor’s excuse? He doesn’t seem to be buying any of this, still pretty convinced that he’s got to kill Like A Virgin for his baby. Darla says that thing again about how she shared his soul and she knows that deep inside he’s still good. Connor cries.

Brooding HQ. Fred and Gunn stare at Angel in his office, wondering what he’s going to do. Fred doesn’t think it really matters, anyway, since apparently they are all just pieces in a game. Gunn gives his version of the, “if nothing you do matters, all that matters is what you do,” speech, saying that the final score can’t be rigged. It all comes down to a last shot and you never know when you are taking it, so you have to live like it’s all up to you. Fred smiles up at him appreciatively.

Sweeney: I do too. I like these little lines and moments. They get lost in the the cesspool of contrivance and terrible arcs, but I get how people can cling to these things and enjoy the show. They’re busy letting a bit like this wash over them and processing it so they only pay 8% attention to the next few scenes.

Lor: Those are smart people.

Wesley and Lorne return from a successful locator spell. Angel takes the map from Lorn and tells them all that no one is coming with him. He doesn’t want them to carry any of the burden of killing Cordelia. Even though Fred momentarily delays him by calling out his name, she doesn’t actually say anything else, and he takes off.

K: Right, because going off on his own has always worked out so well in the past…

Sweeney: Heroes going off to save the day alone! My favorite Buffyverse plot device!

Lor: Magic 8 Ball says, “very doubtful.”

Manipulation Station. Connor appears to be untying Like A Virgin, but he’s too late and Cordevilia walks in with a butcher’s knife. Connor says that they shouldn’t anoint their baby with the blood of an innocent. This tips Cordevilia off and she asks who has been filling his head with lies. On one side, Cordevilia tells Connor that the vision is a lie, created by Angel because he hates him that much. On the other side, Darla begs him not to listen to her. Connor cries and freaks out and I try really hard to squeeze out a little bit of feeling for him. I mean, I tried, I didn’t succeed. Y’all should be proud of me anyway. Connor grabs Like A Virgin and drags her by the arms into the other room, Cordevilia close behind with her butcher’s knife. The sound cuts out except for a few tinkling, creepy notes. It’s an eerie scene. Except for Connor’s facial expressions which are laughable. And Cordelia’s outfit. So, like, it’s good except for the part where it’s Angel.

K: 1430, Lor. 

Lor: At the last minute, Connor looks down at Like A Virgin and sees Darla begging him not to do this. Cordevilia chops at Like A Virgin’s neck and blood splatters on Connor’s face. She says that wasn’t so hard but, you know, I feel like getting to that point was plenty difficult. Probably not for the same reasons Connor now looks horrified. Or like he might wear your skin. I just can never tell.

After a Not Break, Connor is still looking down at the dead girl who still looks like Darla. Cordevilia is writhing around in pain and tells him that they have to do the thing while the blood is still fresh. And he decides, “hey! Why the hell not!” and dips his hand in Like A Virgin’s blood. Cordevilia chants and Connor presses his blood covered hand onto her belly. (K: My notes at this point say “DUDE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PUT THAT BLO- Oh. Stomach. Thank fuck for that.”) The blood print is absorbed and immediately, an earthquake starts up. At the Hyperion, the earthquake manages to release Skip as he tells the Fang Gang that it’s the end of the world.

Connor tells Cordelia that something is obviously wrong but she tells him that it’s just the beginning of a new world. Angel shows up to give them both a big, “NOT.” At the hotel, Skip throws around the Fang Gang easily and threatens Fred in particular. Wesley shows up with a gun, but the bullets bounce off Skip until one ricochets right back to Wesley and nicks his hand. Skip turns back toward Fred and Wes sees the hole on the side of his head. Wes does a barrel roll, grabs the gun and manages to shoot Skip right in his ear-hole.

K: LOL, OKAY. I totally buy Wes being that good a shot.

Sweeney: I was impressed, NGL. That little fraction of a bro moment earlier earned him some sympathy from me. Also, that’s a thing this show does: builds up so much absurdity that it seems ridiculous to question a thing like this.

Lor: Too true. In the grand scheme of things, Wes being a good shot? Yeah, believable. You shoot that ear-hole, Wesley. You shoot it good.

Meanwhile, Angel and Connor fight. Angel throws him aside, grabs his sword and stands over Cordevilia with it in hand. Of course, he hesitates for long enough and even apologizes before doing the damn thing, so it’s all for naught because Cordelia gives birth to an octopus bathed in the light of bad special effects. Once that light dies down, we’re left with a naked and fully grown Gina Torres.

BECAUSE OF COURSE.

Sweeney: I laughed. You guys weren’t kidding about the aggressiveness of Whedon’s quest to to put the Firefly cast in All! The! Things! after the unfortunate cancellation.

Lor: After a moment or two of shock, Angel charges at Gina Torres but then stops short. He calls her beautiful and falls to his knees. Connor does the same. Gina Torres smiles.

Lorraine cries.

K: And you’re not even remotely alone.

Next time: Everyone worships the full grown baby in S04 E18 – Shiny Happy People.