Previously: The Liars get a message via Ouija board and Mona speaks to them in code.
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Stolen Kisses
Sara: It’s the morning after the last episode, and the girls are sitting around Maya’s website, discussing what Mona’s motives could have been. Hanna thinks she’s just trying to help the Liars, but Spencer is like, the fuck she’s trying to help. Aria interjects that whether the website is fake or not, they still need to get the password and see what’s on it.
Emily enternounces that she just got a call from Cousin Nate, and they’re going to be hiking up to Maya’s favorite place, the old boat house, later that day. Girl, have you checked for ID yet? (L: Of course not, Sara. Of course not.) The girls ask permission to try to break in to Maya’s site, which is actually really sweet of them. Emily okays it, and then tries a password but it’s invalid. She gripes that she obviously doesn’t know Maya as well as she thought she did. I mean, it was only one guess. My husband has told me his own passwords dozens of times, and I still can’t remember that shit.
Lorraine: And sometimes I can’t even remember my own passwords. Next time that happens, I’m going to yell out, “I DON’T EVEN KNOW MYSELF.”
Sweeney: All my existential crises are internet-driven.
Sara: SHHHH.
Aria is in her room getting ready for school when her dad knocks on the door, and she yells, “It’s ok!” It’s funny to me that she said it’s okay instead of come in, because my dad had a big fear of opening bedroom doors when I was a kid, being that he had three teenage daughters at once. No matter how many times we told him to come in, he would make us come open the door JUST IN CASE.
Byron asks Aria if she could start making the salad for dinner around 6:00, and after she agrees, he just stands there really obnoxiously like he wants to say something else. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE AT WORK DO THIS TO ME. Say what you need to say, or move it along, folks. (S: It’s the real life equivalent of the, “Hey.” text message. Use your words and move on.) He awkwardly mentions that Meredith got the job at Rosewood High, and he almost says it like an apology because he knows he’s a piece of shit. Aria asks who’s going to tell Piper Mom that her new coworker is her ex-husband’s old side piece, and Byron says he’ll handle it.
Not Yo Cousin Cabin. Emily is telling a Maya story to Cousin Nate, about how they used to make origami boats and float them in the lake. Nate is like, WE DID THAT, TOO, because he’s a one upper. He not-so-subtly segues into telling Em that NotBlind!Jenna stood him up for their date and made some excuse about not being over someone else. Emily skates over an answer to that and Nate segues again into how he didn’t understand how anyone could be a killer until he saw Garrett in the hospital and wanted to kill him. Then he tells Emily that he hoped he didn’t scare her because he doesn’t want her to be afraid of him. Which is the first sign that 1. you’re in a soap opera and 2. this dude is going to try to kill you.
Lor: Okay, right? I mean, I was pretty sold on “suspicious” when he showed up. I was over to “killer” thanks to his non-sequiturs. The whole “don’t be afraid” thing upped him to mass murderer. Bet she’ll soon wished she checked that damn ID.
Sweeney: You don’t have to give our level of good TV to know that, “Don’t be afraid of me!” translates to, “I’MMA MURDER YOUR FACE OFF!”
Sara: Pedopartment. Aria comes waltzing in to Ezra’s apartment, yelling flirty things before turning around and seeing a WASPy woman standing in the living room. I suppose she’s too rich to sit on normal people furniture. The woman introduces herself as Diane FitzGERALD, Ezra’s mom. You see, he shortened his name because he’s so hipster. And the world collectively rolled its eyes. Also, Aria actually looks really pretty and super grown up in this scene. But still. If you’re describing someone as looking “very grown up,” that is probably a good indication that they are a child.
Lor: I also like that Aria had NO IDEA about her boyfriends real name. Their epic love means never having to tell each other the truth.
Sara: Anyways, I guess Ezra has told his mother about his underage girlfriend before, because DianeGerald is super excited (in that rich woman, never actually excited way) to meet the mysterious girl with the lyrical name. (S: LOLFOREVER at her, “He’s kept you hidden away” comment. Yeah, because prison.) She invites the both of them to an art benefit the following night, and Aria agrees because she’s trying to kiss her boyfriend’s mother’s ass. Aria asks what DianeGerald knows about them, and Ezra says that he told her he didn’t start seeing Aria until after he left Rosewood High. I mean, that’s good and all, but she’s still 16, so. (S: 16 and he’s at least 25 or 26. So.)
Hastings House. Hanna is frustrated because Spencer can’t get the password to Maya’s website. Spencer thinks it would be helpful if she could ask Hanna’s ex-wolfy bad boy for some tips, and Hanna reluctantly agrees. She rolls her eyes as she gets a text from Grown Adult Wren saying they need to talk. Why does Wren have this child’s number? Do you guys have a bunch of children’s numbers saved in your phones? Weird.
Lor: I like that we have to ask these sorts of question to tare the scale of normal adult behavior. Are you a Grown Ass Adult who regularly stores the numbers of children in your phones? Answer at your own risk. I’m selling the information to the police.
Sara: And our police probably actually care about these things, unlike Rosewood’s LOLPD. Toby stomps in to ask Spencer if she knows where Jason is, but Spencer didn’t even know he was gone. Toby thinks that he’s taken his busted up car across state lines to get it fixed so no one will ever know about the drunk driving incident. He’s pissed at Spencer and questions her about why she jumps every time her phone goes off even though Mona and Garrett are locked up. That seemed like a weird time to bring that up, but okay. She doesn’t say anything, and he says in a semi-threatening manner that he’ll figure it out himself and stomps back out. Aw, it’s so cute when he tries to act. (L: A+)
Sweeney: Paige was clearly trying. I give her points for having the smarts to say, “Nope, not interested in hanging out with the chick who, as far as I can tell, roofied me.” You know, until Emily straight pressured her into “explaining” in a more private nighttime way. HOW’S ABOUT YOU ‘SPLAIN MY ROOFIE SAGA HERE IN THE OPEN WITH MY PARENTS (LOL) JUST INSIDE? No? Fine.
Sara: Coffee Shop of Pedophilia. Wren is telling Hanna that the Crazy House wants to move Mona to a high security prison, because they think she’s not getting any better and also not taking her meds, because she’s passing them off to visitors to hide them. Come on, Wren, if you’re breaking doctor patient confidentiality laws, you might as well tell us who the secret visitors are. Hanna begs him to tell the board, in his expert opinion, that Mona should stay in Rosewood, and he’s like, Okay, yeah. Wtf.
Lor: I can’t even with Dr. Stupid right now.
Sara: Just then, Hanna’s ex-wolfy bad boy walks into the coffee shop, and she spots him. She excuses herself from her very illegal conversation (Wren should seriously not be allowed to continue practicing medicine ANYWHERE) (S: But who would do the jobs in Rosewood if all people who engage in illegal activity are fired?), and walks up to Caleb. They stare at each for approximately five seconds, and then he turns around and walks out. Okay.
School for Lunch and Truancy. Spencer catches Caleb in the parking lot and tells him that she needs help breaking into a website. He’s down. She also notices his sweet new ride that his mom gave him, since she won’t be driving for a while after almost being murdered by a car because of A.
Aria is at Emily’s locker, asking what she should wear to the fancy schmancy art benefit that evening. She tells Em that Mrs. DianeGerald is a, “diamonds and Chanel on a Sunday morning,” kind of gal, and Emily responds that this is Spencer territory. LOL. (S: CUTE.)
Spencer and Caleb are chatting outside at a picnic table, because they apparently get to school at the crack of dawn so they have time for lots of side conversations before skipping classes. He tells her that he still cares about Hanna, so he’s down to take down the Mona Monster anytime. As he exits stage right, Spencer gets a text from A. “Mona’s almost gone. Hanna’s next. – A”
In the next scene, where these girls still have not gone to any classes, Spencer shares the text message and Hanna shares her Wren info. Hanna is stressed about having to give a blood sample, but Spencer says not to worry, her mom has got that shit covered.
Cut to after school (or maybe five minutes later, honestly, who knows with this show), and Aria is arriving home with Spencer to find something Spencery to wear to the art benefit. Fork earrings are not going to cover it this time.
Lor: You’d think Mrs. Big Shot Lawyer would find a better place for her sensitive case files.
Sara: Emily and Paige are jogging out in the woods, when Em asks her to stop so she can explain about the flask. She tells her about That Night, when she was drugged and doesn’t remember a thing. Paige tells her that she was with her that night, and the music DUN DUN DUNS us into a commercial break.
Sweeney: Well, then, I guess that kind of invalidates my silly rant before. Womp.
Sara: Back at Spencer’s house, Aria is reading the file out loud while Spencer interprets it for her teeny tiny brain. Maya died the night Garrett was arrested at Spencer’s house, and Spence believes that Garrett could have had time to do it. Her trachea was crushed by something stick-like and she died at the scene of the attack, in her backyard. They find a name on the prosecution list, Bart Comstock, with a note, “Break him and it falls apart.” Aria decides to stop by his house on the way home to check some shit out, because she knows nothing bad ever happens to her.
That Night. Paige says that she came outside of her house That Night and found Emily on her front porch, and she seemed super drunk. She brought her inside, and Emily kissed her. Paige went to get her a glass of water, but when she came back, Emily was gone. At school the next day, Paige saw Emily but she realized that she didn’t remember so she didn’t bring it up.
Emily doesn’t understand why Paige wouldn’t have told her, and Paige says that she felt terrible for what happened. She felt like she had taken advantage of Emily since she was drunk, and once she found out that she was also drugged, she felt worse than terrible. This makes me kind of like Paige. I’m not sure I think she did anything wrong, since she specified that Em kissed her, and if that’s all that happened, I’d say she’s in the clear. But I can also understand feeling shitty about it, especially with the whole drugged thing. I’m not the biggest Paige fan, but I like her for not being a creep like every other person on this show.
Lor: I feel similarly. And I think it helps to realize that these girls are all 16, so stolen drunk kisses are probably a way bigger deal to them than to a person that’s had, say, regrettable drunk sex.
Sweeney: +1 to all of this.
Sara: Hospital. Wren tells Hanna that his recommendation didn’t work, but he thinks she should talk to the doctors herself. Because a 16-year old’s opinion is super important to the health and well-being of a mental patient. Also, why is Wren trying so hard to keep Mona in Rosewood? UNLESS HE’S A?
Lor: He’s already got the pedo-leanings, a good indicator of A suspects.
Sweeney: A-ccomplice for sure. He became suspicious the second he started taking these all-the-times-Hanna-is-there volunteer hours. (Also pedobear of course.)
Sara: Of course, but pedobear also qualifies like half of Rosewood. Aria goes to the address listed on the witness list paperwork to find Bart Comstock, and it’s the old movie theater we’ve seen a few times. When she gets inside, she finds Bart, who is apparently the owner/manager/something.
Hackers Anonymous. Caleb is explaining to Spencer how he hacks things, and she mentions his sweet new laptop. Apparently Mama Wolf gave him that, too. Negligent parenting being made up for with shiny expensive things is a language Spencer understands, and she playfully mocks him for his cardigan. He says it’s NBD, his mom just bought him some clothes, too. Spencer is like, “Dude, that is a $400 sweater, that’s no joke.” This is one of my favorite moments in the whole series so far. These two are the cutest friends.
Lor: I think the Liars with each others’ boyfriends is fun. They should just all keep passing them around.
Sweeney: Musical Boyfriends!
Sara: Movie Theater. Aria mentions Emily and Maya, and Bart says that’s not a couple you’re likely to forget. Because they’re lesbians? IDK. Aria mentions talking to the police, and then Bart easily offers up all the information he has: He has Maya get in a car with Garrett the night she was murdered. Well, that was simple enough.
All Night Hackathon. Caleb breaks in, and Spencer hugs him, all giggly and excited. The first thing that pops up is a video of Maya reading a poem. My god, she is fucking obnoxious even after dying.
Lor: She makes a joke about the site being cursed, which is funny because of Bianca Eternal Life Lawson playing both a vampire slayer and a witch in The Vampire Diaries.
Sara: Art Benefit for Adults and Their Teenage Girlfriends. Aria looks beautiful, and Ezra is being a baby about wanting to get away from his mean old mommy. Ezra tells her that his grandparents are basically the richest people on Earth. He’s obnoxious and whiny about how rich people suck, and he wanted to be normal, and the poor blogger over here is rolling her eyes SO HARD. (Sidebar: Lucy Hale has a strange chin and looks much less attractive in profile.)
Lor: Not that Ezra could ever climb out of the whole of dislike he’s dug himself into, but in theory, complaining about his buckets of money would NOT be the way to do that.
Sara: Not Yo Cousin Cabin. Emily shows up at the cabin late at night, and Nate creeps out all, Hey, what’s up, just hanging out. WTF, CREEP. (L: SO WEIRD.) Emily wonders if you can do something when drunk and really mean it without realizing it, for instance, kissing someone. Nate thinks that even when you’re drunk, you’re still you, so you’re doing things you want to do. Like when I play 4 Non Blondes over and over on the jukebox. (S: AND I SAY HEEEY HEEEY HEEEY HEY. WHAT’S GOING ON?)
Art Benefit. Aria is by herself while Ezra chats with the rich people he hates, and DianeGerald shows up to BE SO FUCKING AMAZING. She tells Aria that she obviously doesn’t know as much about Ezra as she thought she knew, and it’s funny that she gets to play the muse to the dark, broody teacher writer. Aria doesn’t think she plays any role with Ezra, and Diane is like, LOL, I’m sure you don’t. Diane asks how Aria’s parents feel about Ezra, and she answers honestly that they aren’t crazy about it. Diane keeps prying and asks about Aria’s parents’ divorce that happened right around the same time she started seeing Fitz. Aria kindly tells her to fuck off, but Diane ain’t done yet.
“Oh, but it’s such an interesting family. Your brother’s arrest record. Your romance with a former teacher. The way your mother moved out over your father’s infidelity. You can literally chart all the cracks and strains.”
I LOVE EZRA’S MOM, YOU GUYS.
Lor: She’s my favorite like Ezra’s ex-girlfriend was my favorite. I mean, maybe DianeGerald should also go talk to her gross son about dating babies, but this was fun too.
Sweeney: Aw man that ex-girlfriend was AMAZING before she jumped on board the crazy train. I miss her. I love this woman too, though. Carry on making Ezria uncomfortable.
Sara: Aria starts to walk away, but Diane still ain’t done. She tells Aria that she may not agree with all of Ezra’s choices, but she sure as shit isn’t going to sit around and let Aria ruin his life. Aria’s 16-year old response is, “BUT I LOVE HIM,” and I imagine Diane is having to fight everything within her not to laugh right in her face. She tells Aria that she’s the one who kept Ezra at stupid Rosewood High, and she’s the one who got him fired from Hollis, so maybe she should think about her motives in this relationship. Diane even offers Aria money to break up with Ezra, and now I wish I had dated a rich boy when I was 16 so his mom would have paid me to break up with him. Make the right choice, girl.
Lor: Fork earrings and photography classes won’t pay for themselves.
Sweeney: Also, I no longer love this woman. Fuck her and this whole, “It’s Aria’s fault he left Rosewood High!” NOPE. Any analysis of this pedolationship which blames shit on the CHILD is unacceptable. Aria annoys me, but fuck that.
Sara: Uh, WORD. The grown adult in the situation who is choosing to risk his career and freedom to date a 16 year old is the one making his own damn problems here.
After the break, Ezra tracks his mother down and asks wtf she said to Aria because he can’t find her anywhere. Diane is like, “Maybe it’s past her bedtime,” and I send a high five her way. She should join the Snark Squad! (S: True, though. She’s going to have to get real with her son first.) Ezra whines about how he hates his family, and Diane says she doesn’t know why Aria is upset, because they just had a lovely conversation and maybe Aria just felt out of place. Double high five!
Hanna reads a stupid speech to the board of advisers about why Mona should stay in Rosewood. Halfway through, she puts the speech down and speaks from the heart. She knows that Mona did terrible things, but they were best friends, practically the same person. They were so close to being the girls who watch the hot girls’ purses at the dance, but Mona made sure they didn’t disappear in the background. Hanna says that she could be in the same position if things were a little different, and she knows that Mona would do the same for her.
I don’t really think that Mona loves Hanna as much as the show implies, but I love this scene. It’s true to life about a lot of things, the places where people end up. We could all end up where someone else is if circumstances were just slightly different.
Lor: As much as that may be true, I cannot imagine a board of medical professionals taking any of this seriously.
Sweeney: Aaaactually, I’m going to be that guy, but: Hanna’s final point that nobody will care about Mona in Saratoga but she does have people who care about her here? Having recently sat in on conversations between mental health professionals and loved ones, these are things that influence decisions about the well-being of patients.
The fact that all of this is happening without any involvement of Mona’s parents is the part that’s weird.
Sara: Paige is in her backyard when Emily approaches, and Paige apologizes again for letting Em kiss her That Night. Emily tells her that she knows she was drunk that night and she got lost, but she didn’t really get lost because she found Paige. Paige cries a little, and they kiss, and it’s lovely.
Sara: Montgomery Manse. Byron finds Aria in her room, and when he asks if she’s okay, she asks if she really ruined Ezra’s life. The correct response is: YOU COULD GET HIM THROWN IN JAIL. If you truly loved him, you would not even risk that. Stupid little girl. But Byron is an idiot and says that no one could ever be harmed by having her in their life, because she’s a perfect little snowflake.
Hospital. Hanna convinced the board, and Mona won’t be moved from Rosewood. Hanna straight up kisses Wren, like a crazy person, and they both kind of pretend it didn’t happen. Spencer texts just then and asks Hanna to come over to look at the videos.
A-nonymous: Black gloved hands accept a shitload of money from a bank and also take a peppermint, too.
Next time: Another freakin’ party! Ain’t no party like a Noel Kahn party, cuz a Noel Kahn party has murderers at it. Tune in for Pretty Little Liars S03 E09 – The Kahn Game.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
