Veronica Mars S01 E09 – United Colors of Benneton cult

Previously: Purity points destroy Neptune High, Mama Wallace hates Keith but then doesn’t anymore, and Abel Koontz delivers super-serious news.
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Drinking the Kool-Aid

Democracy Diva: We open at the close of the previous episode, with Veronica sobbing in her car. She’s trying to deal with the news that Jake Kane is her real father, and worse, that Duncan is her – – *pause for an out-the-car-door puke* — half-brother.

Sweeney: I love that they split this. Dealing with the emotional blow of the news at the close of the one episode and freeing Veronica up for the internal game of twenty questions and pull over vomit at the open of the second, giving each set of reactions the distinct weight they deserve.

Diva: Amen. Veronica decides she wants to take down Jake Kane, hard. She looks at the photographs of herself that were sent to her mother, thinking that Jake sent them. She deduces when those photos were taken – during Book Week (um, every week should be book week), the first week of February. Knowing he was there on a Thursday (Veronica only went to that part of the town on Thursdays for therapy after Lilly’s murder), V realizes the shot could only have been taken from one table at one restaurant (sure, why not). She narrows the photographer down to Clarence Wiedman, Jr., because only one person sat at that table the whole day, I guess. Turns out, Weidman is head of security at Kane Industries, or Kane Software, or Kane Evil Headquarters of Evil Things That Make Us A Shit-Ton Of Money. Veronica figures this is the dude scaring her mom away, and she wants to collect on the millions her information is worth.

The credits respond, BRING IT ON, BRING IT ON, YEAH!

Lorraine: It’s interesting that after last episode and all we heard/said about how Veronica gets tough and then gets even, this is how she reacts to the news of her possible parentage. Meanwhile, I’d probably still be puking. Or maybe I’d have moved on to crying all day long in bed. No further than that.

Sweeney: Such a lovely point! She straight up begins this episode by sternly telling herself to, “Deal with it.” I’d be right there in the vomit/sob territory.

Diva: It’s not even my life and I’m still vomit/sobbing. Mars House. Keith is over-excited and mildly injured from a baseball game, giving Veronica the impeccable line, “You’re jacked up like some hillbilly kid who just stumbled into his daddy’s meth lab.”  (S: A FOREVER FAVORITE. You’d be amazed how easy it is to work this one into daily life.) Keith is way too psyched to show Veronica the new waterbed he bought her, because she wanted it when she was 5-9 years old. Fine, but buying a bed at a yard sale? BED BUGS EXIST BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU, KEITH MARS.

Keith the Bed Bug Monster’s Office. The Case of the Week involves the wealthy Mr. and Mrs. Gant, whose all-star, “definitely not a druggie” son joined a cult six weeks ago and hasn’t come home. The cult is called the Moon Calf Collective, which is flawless. Anyway, their darling son Casey sold his Porsche and gave all the money to the Collective, so they kind of want their kid back now. And they want to pay Keith a lot of money to help them. Yay, money!

Lor: I wish people wanted to pay me lots of money to get their wealthy, handsome sons back.

Diva: Don’t we all.

V’s not quite managing to draw a blood sample from her finger for an HIV test. Keith can’t believe his “bad-ass, action figure daughter” could be so squeamish, but I’m squee-ish over that amazing description of Veronica. LOVE. Veronica tells Keith that a good dad would let her prick his finger, and I see where she’s going with this – it’s secretly for a paternity test! But Keith isn’t as good at TV as I am, and also doesn’t have the assistance of Veronica Voice-Overs (VVOs), so he happily agrees. If he’s really not Veronica’s father, I think he’d be more suspicious of this blood test, unless he doesn’t know he’s not Veronica’s father, which is a whole other level of awful.

Lor: BRB. Going to ask my dad for a finger prick to see how he reacts. JUST KIDDING. I look a lot like him.

Diva: Anywho, Casey Gant is a usual douche 09-er; Veronica snarks that his cult probably just worships their parents’ platinum cards. Given the whole “sacrifice thy Porsche” thing, I think that’s pretty accurate. There’s $5,000 in it if the Gants can get Casey back, and Keith enlists Veronica’s help. Keith clarifies that Veronica is NOT allowed to go to the cult.

VVO tells us that the HIV test is actually a paternity test. Duncan greets Veronica at school, but she blows him off. Veronica and Wallace watch Casey play hacky sack, because he’s still attending high school even though he’s in a cult. His parents made it sound like they can’t find him or talk to him. They probably don’t need to get special investigators involved when he’s like, right there. (L: A+)

Flashback to Veronica watching Weevil read a poem in class. Duncan’s arms are around her, but she looks totally in love with Weevil. I am, a little bit, too, while he’s reading this poem. Casey Gant is laughing at him like a total dick. I am distracted by the fact that everyone is permitted to lay down in bean bag chairs and cuddle with significant others in what appears to be a poetry class. But then I realize that Casey is MOTHER-FUCKING AARON SAMUELS FROM MEAN GIRLS, YOU GUYS. THIS IS ALREADY THE BEST.

But unlike Aaron Samuels, Casey Gant is actually the worst, ratting out Weevil for his so-called original poem actually being a song. Back in reality, Veronica talks to Casey’s ex-girlfriend, who says he started babbling about his need to “un-remember the consumer siren song.” That sounds EXACTLY like what a cult would say.

Lor: The ex-girlfriend is Courtney Draper. That’s only exciting to you if you watched the Disney Channel in the late 90’s because she was in such hits as Stepsister from Planet Weird and The Thirteenth Year. Plus, she was a Potential who showed up in Bring on the Night.

Sweeney: Specifically, the one who went and got her stupid self killed by running off alone.

Diva: I’m not even going to pretend I recognized her. Ex-Girlfriend says she thinks Casey is hooking up with Ms. Mills, the teacher who runs the literary magazine that Casey joined. Veronica decides to become a weird poetry-writing girl like I was in high school! (L: +1) (S: +1. It’s like a Snark Squad membership requirement.)

Ms. Mills tells Veronica that she read the poem V submitted. Veronica thinks Mills wants to recruit her for the lit mag, but she’s actually recruiting her for the cult. Just like, hey, stop by my cult with me after school today, you’ll love it, like normal public school teachers do in broad daylight all the time, right? Veronica of course agrees to go along, even though Keith was all, don’t do that.

Cult Headquarters. The rules are, wander freely and don’t go in the barn. Ms. Mills introduces Veronica to The Prophet. She doesn’t call him that, but I’m getting creepy Big Love vibes, and clearly Veronica thinks the same thing, since she notes their “implied polygamy.” Ms. Mills makes out with Prophet!Josh for what feels like forever, and then he gives Veronica a hug that lasts entirely too long. Cult!Aaron Samuels (AKA Casey Gant) is wearing a denim jacket, and so is the Prophet, and so are many of the men. I find this incredibly suspicious; it will turn out to be not at all relevant. Things are pretty cult-y: the secret ingredient in the food is “love” (I’d say it’s something else, based on how incredibly relaxed all these people seem to be). And someone is named Rain, because it’s a cult.

Rain makes Veronica milk a cow. Veronica, to her credit, is not as weirded out as I would be. She tries to subtly ask about what’s in the barn, and Prophet!Josh. Rain tells her they’re growing “the ultimate cash crop” that will blow her mind. Veronica’s thinking what I’m thinking – DRUGS R HERE.

Lor: I call BS on her, “I can’t even describe it,” bullshit. Rain, girl, you don’t have to describe it. Just tell what it’s called. DUH.

Sweeney: Yup. There are several places in here where the misdirection is downright clunky. (Spoiler alert! Everyone being oddly vague is misdirection!) This was the most ridiculous, though.

Diva: +1 to all of that.

Cult!Friendship Circle of Feelings. Rain and Casey both want to sit with Veronica; V realizes she’s more popular here than at Neptune High. Stop that, Veronica. THAT’S HOW THEY LURE YOU IN. They all sit in a circle around a fire and talk about their dreams, and it’s a good thing it’s Veronica there instead of me, because I cannot control my impulse to roll my eyes. Ms. Mills asks Veronica to share her angsty, I’m-a-young-nubile-girl-on-the-brink-of-a-mental-breakdown-seeking-community-wherever-I-can-find-it poem that she submitted. Instead, Veronica runs away, hoping some of them will chase after her and reveal some information trying to win her back.

Veronica goes to the forbidden barn, where a wild horse almost kicks her in the face. That’s the big barn secret – a horse they’re nursing back to health. IDK, guys, I still think there’s LSD in the water.

Sweeney: Contrivance Drugs! Shipped in fresh from Sunnydale!

Diva: Shower!VVO. Veronica wants money from Kane, if she’s really his heir – partly for vengeance, and partly so the Marses can afford a place with a functioning shower.

Cultbait-Luring High School. Veronica apologizes to Cult!Aaron Samuels. He invites her back to the cult, where she’s warmly greeted with another uncomfortably long hug from Prophet!Josh. P!J asks her to join him for a walk; she secretly tape-records it. He tells her she’s starving her soul by shutting out other people, and Veronica is considering tasering Prophet!Josh when he shows her their secret cash crop – POINSETTIAS. You know, because it’s the holiday season. This is bullshit, you guys. This cult just wants everyone to be happy and smiling and slicing bread and peeling potatoes together. It’s a United Colors of Benneton ad. (S: 1430.)

A dude checking on the water supply stops by, but it’s really just Keith. Veronica is in big fucking trouble.

She comes home to a serious lecture; Keith is super-angry, but he hasn’t found anything incriminating about the cult yet. And he kicks Veronica off the case. Casey’s parents and a third guy walk in. Casey’s grandmother is dying, and most of her $80 million will go to Casey. They’re scared he’ll give all the money to the cult. Keith tells them that, from what he’s investigated so far, there’s nothing illegal going on, and Casey isn’t in any danger. The third dude, their creepy lawyer or preacher or something says he’s got experience with these cases. He actually looks like the leader of a cult. The scary kind. He says he does “deprogramming,” which is like, psychological mind control, or something? So, Casey’s parents have hired this dude to… control Casey’s brain to bring him home?

Lor: Yeeeeaaaaah.

Sweeney: He helpfully offers up the most villainy version of what he does, which is also wicked clunky. If you really believe in the goodness of your cause, you wouldn’t open by using a word like that. It seems like mostly the writers wanted Veronica (and the audience) to get to “deprogramming” and couldn’t find another way.

Diva: Brain Control Victims High School. Veronica starts to doubt why they’re even trying to “save” Casey from something that’s made him a way better person. Wallace tells her she’s been drinking the kool-aid. Gold stars for Wallace!

Lor: That’s a shiny gold star for another drive-by scene from Wallace. That’s for playing this week, good sir!

Sweeney: That’ll keep your face in COME ON NOW, SUGAR! territory, Wallace! Also, the little smirk he makes at Veronica when her tone shifts while talking to Casey? Presh.

Diva: Casey invites Veronica to come visit his grandmother in the hospital with him, which is so weirdly intimate for someone you barely know. He tells Veronica that his parents completely abandoned his grandmother when she got sick, and only became interested in him a year ago. That’s when they found out he’d be the one inheriting grandma’s fortune. This is all horrible.

Lor: Worse than say, a United Colors of Benneton cult.

Diva: At home, Veronica gets out a milk carton, which has the face of a missing girl on it. It’s Rain, from the cult; she’s a runaway and a minor. Keith reminds Veronica that even if these people are sweeties, they’re sweeties who are harboring a runaway, and more importantly, the Marses can take this information to Casey’s parents and get that fucking five grand and fix their damn shower.

Sweeney: He gives her a little speech about how they don’t answer morally or otherwise to anyone but their clients who pay them to do shit. He’s game to have Veronica participate in the business while actively encouraging her to run from it the second she has a chance. Moments like this highlight the why. There’s an element of desperation to the work for Keith, who’d also rather still be sheriff and living his old life. Veronica takes on all her side cases for her own moral reasons because she’s a teenager and has that luxury. Keith Mars, disgraced former sheriff turned PI, has to struggle with having lost that, and because he’s an actual good father (Imagine!) he knows he doesn’t want her staying in this life. He still wants her to have the life she might have had.

Diva: 1430 for that analysis. Back at school, Veronica is about to tell Ms. Mills about Rain, when Cult!Aaron Samuels comes in crying – his grandmother passed away. At the funeral, Veronica tells Prophet!Josh and Ms. Mills that she told Keith about Rain being a minor and a runaway. Cult!Aaron Samuels says he’s going to go talk to his parents, because they think he’s going to let them starve. As he walks over to them, two men appear and literally force him into a black sedan. The Mind Controller Creepy Guy from before gets in the car too.

Veronica runs home and tells Keith that Cult!Aaron Samuels has been kidnapped… by his parents. Keith says he’s not doubting her, but he can’t do anything with the information that an 18-year-old got into a car with his parents after his grandmother’s funeral. Veronica wishes they hadn’t turned over the information about the cult to the Gants; Keith tells her that he didn’t. He realized they were a functional community. Rain ran away because she was an abused foster child, bumped from home to home, and she’s safer at the commune. I’m not sure Keith really has enough information or the right to make that determination, but okay.

VVO about the identity of Veronica’s father. Veronica takes a flyer off her car and puts it on Duncan’s. Casey gives Veronica an old!Casey “sup, Veronica?” as he steps out of his Porsche. Does this mean the mind control worked? Or he’s just spending his grandma’s money on a new Porsche? Or he quit the cult, got his money back, and bought back his old Porsche? I have absolutely no idea. Anyway, Veronica wonders if she’d ever claim that Jake is her real dad, and forsake Keith. She checks the mail and sees that the paternity results are in. But she doesn’t open the envelope – she shreds it. In Keith’s bedroom. While he’s sleeping. And it wakes him up. Veronica, you’re not doing destruction of evidence right.

Lor: For that, she should probably contact the girls of Rosewood High. Now they know how to destroy some evidence.

Sweeney: Except that time they tried to destroy Emily’s clothes by tossing them in a fire and somehow they wound up in a donation bin. Teenage girls are notorious for their mishandling of evidence.

As for the episode, there’s a lot of, “Why did this happen?” in this episode. There was some great Keith/Veronica stuff and even some fun little moments mixed in with the weird and also AARON SAMUELS, but it’s not one of the season’s stronger mysteries of the week.

Diva: Agreed. The intentional misdirections were heavy-handed – Rain, you could totally have just called them poinsettias – and I still don’t really understand what the hell was going on with that “deprogramming” crap. But there were some fun culty moments and some unforgettable Keith/Veronica interactions, so overall, I had fun. Though not as much fun as the cult members had when they were cutting vegetables in perfect harmony.

Next time: Diva Snow is terrified of what holiday dysfunction is sure to come in Veronica Mars S01 E10 – An Echolls’ Family Christmas.