Previously: Ezra’s mommy hates Aria, Caleb helps the Liars break into Maya’ website, but Emily isn’t there to see it because she was swimming sexy laps with Paige.
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The Kahn Game
Lorraine: Rosewood’s One Coffee Shop. Aria wants Spencer to look at a picture she found on Maya’s website. It’s a picture of a stamp on Maya’s wrist and it’s the same stamp Holden had on his wrist when Emily inexplicably ran into him at the church party. Aria thinks this is a huge clue and is confused by Spencer’s lack of interest. Spencer explains that she can’t Nancy Drew shit anymore. Only five days ago, she forgot to apply to college. Aria clarifies that it was only an early admissions deadline, but this is Spencer Hastings we’re talking about. Aria tries to tell her that everything will be okay but (1) – Aria’s wearing a skeleton crop top on top of some sort of gold lame tank top so no one can take her seriously and (2) – Spencer recently got a B on homework so her world is falling apart.
Sweeney: LOL, it’s fun that this show tries to pretend they can possibly be going to school, what with all their 4am coffee dates midnight asylum break-ins.
Lor: Definitely the biggest ongoing joke.
Cece is also at the One Coffee Shop and comes over to return Aria’s phone, which she left at the counter. She spots Spencer’s application for UPenn (which apparently Spencer is carrying around everywhere) and tries to comfort Spencer with a, “if I got in, you can get in!” Spencer perks up, thinking maybe Cece knows someone she can talk to about her application. Whatdoyaknow, there is actually a party happening that night where a guy who works for admissions will be.
I’m stuck on the part where Cece would bring up the party with no intention of going. Evil. (S: She’s almost as obnoxious as Alison.) Anyway, Cece says they can go and tells Spencer where to meet her. Aria can’t come with, though, because she’s going to go talk to Pedzra Fitz after school.
Gossip Cop visits Marin Manor with a court order compelling Hanna to provide a blood sample. They have five days to comply. Ashley Marin immediately calls Mariska Mom.
Sara: Being the only lawyer in a town full of pedophiles, murderers, and teenagers who are constantly guilty of finding shovels is good for business.
Lor: SHHHHH.
Rosewood School of Dammit My Ex Goes Here Too. Hanna sees Caleb at the end of the hall. They stare at each other awkwardly for a bit, apparently in some of hair-flip-off. (Hanna’s hair prettier. Sorry Caleb. Comb that shit.) Hanna goes to her locker and Caleb meets her there, but mostly to ask her to give Spencer the new log-on information for Maya’s website. Hanna asks how his mom is doing (better!) and he asks how Hanna’s doing (totally fine!) and there are more awkward moments until the bell rings.
Once Caleb walks away, Hanna gets a text from A telling her to be at the Apple Rose Grille at closing time, or else Caleb pays.
Let’s Just Look At Our Lunch Lunch Time. There are full plates of untouched food in front of Spencer and Hanna. I’m hungry. I don’t know when this will be posted but whenever you are reading this, I’m probably hungry. (S: A+ assumption for me, too.) Hanna shares the text with Spencer. Things get a little awkward when Spencer asks what Wren said about Mona’s progress. Hanna says she hasn’t talked to him since the hearing. Spencer makes Hanna promise that she won’t go to the grille.
Sweeney: Like a good concerned friend. There were a fair number of legit friend moments in this episode. I’m a fan.
Lor: A little ways away, Paige and Emily are laughing and holding hands. Hanna asks if they are going to tell her about Maya’s website yet, but Spencer thinks Emily deserves a moment of happiness. Emily stops by their table to say hello and things are decidedly awkward.
Pedo-Lair Apartment Complex. Aria is approaching Ezra’s door, and she can hear arguing come from inside. Ezra kicks someone out of his apartment and that someone comes storming out, stopping only when he sees Aria. This dude guesses that she’s Aria, because why else would a Bratz doll be hanging outside Ezra’s door? Ezra tells dude to keep walking. Once he’s gone, Aria asks who that was and Ezra says that’s his brother, Wesley. The music and cut to black would have us believe siblings are a crazy major development.
After the Not Break, Aria follows Ezra into the apartment and asks for an explanation. Ezra, unsurprisingly, doesn’t want to talk about it. Ariathinks it’s about the fact that his mom offered to buy her out of their relationship. Ezra is shocked, as his brother was there for another reason. See, Ezra sold a car that didn’t technically belong to him since he disowned his inheritance. His brother gave him permission to sell it, but now DianeGerald is claiming it was a sentimental family heirloom. Ezra has to buy the car back, for double the original selling price, by borrowing money from his mother. In fact, he’s off to go talk to someone about the car. He leaves Aria with a kiss to the forehead, words still on the tip of her tongue.
Rosewood High for Everyone Not Visiting Their Pedo Boyfriends. Hanna gets a call from Wren, but ignores it. Emily meets her and says she can tell they are hiding something from her. Hanna comes clean about breaking into Maya’s site, and apologizes for lying, but none of the Liars could stand to ruin her happiness.
Sara: Good friending, Hanna! And her hair looks awesome.
Lor: Unhappy but winning at hair! Take heart, Hanna.
Hanna gives Em the username and password and offers to watch with her. Emily says she wants to see it alone.
Ashley Marin is leaving Mariska Mom’s office when she spots Pastor Ted. She tries to keep her head down and walk on, but he sees her too. He runs across the street and asks her out for coffee. She accepts with a coy smile.
Sweeney: Ashley Marin deserves to be happy most of all.
Lor: At least until someone finds out she stole Free Little Old Lady Money, back in season 1. WOMP.
Hastings House. Aria is on Spencer’s bed, in a cute soft green dress and some tan wedges that are right up my alley. She’s complaining about Ezra and Spencer is rifling through her clothes, looking for something collegiate to wear to the party. Aria tries to talk her away from wearing a blazer to a party on a Friday night, and Spencer thanks her for coming with. They bring up Cece and talk casually about how weird it is that they never heard a thing about this supposed friend of Alison’s. This is why these bitches get stalked. STOP TRUSTING RANDOMLY APPEARING PEOPLE, AND CHECK SOME ID, DAMMIT.
Sweeney: TRUSTING TOTAL STRANGERS WITH YOUR FUTURE AND SHIT, SPENCER HASTINGS? Yeah, you are off your game.
Lor: Spencer gets frustrated with her search for clothes and Aria takes over, quickly grabbing a blouse and skirt and then climbing back on the bed with her friend. Spencer says Ezria will be just fine (because nothing bad ever happens to them) and Aria takes her word for it. Spencer understands the kind of family Aria is dealing with. Her grandmother once offered her $200 to shave her father’s sideburns, and she totally did it.
Aria laughs as Spencer says she would totally do it again. It’s precious. #teamSpAria.
Sweeney: She makes a comment about being a little kid when that was all the money in the world. I’d do it at 25 too, Spencer. And that gif is presh. #teamSpAria
Sara: This is one of my favorite moments from the entire series so far. I love when the teenage girls act like teenage girls.
Lor: It’s a totally sidebar story, but yes. It was a brief moment of remembering that these are (supposed to be) just girls.
Later that night, Cece, Aria and Spencer arrive at the party. Cece’s saying some shit about how New Jason won’t return her calls even though they dated for forever. Aria recognizes the party location; it’s Noel Kahn’s cabin. The party is being thrown by his older brother. Cece tells Aria to get over it because they are here, Spencer is going to give her application to whatever dude and if it gets too awkward they can leave. She checks in with the guy at the front entrance and he stamps her wrist with THE STAMP! we saw on Maya’s wrist. Aria not at all subtlety examines the crap out of the stamp as the zoomy camera man zooms in on each of the girls’ wrist, just so we’re clear it’s THE STAMP.
Inside, Aria is freaking out about THE STAMP but Spencer is more concerned about her application, which she is carrying around right now. Cece grabs the application and tells her she should probably meet Steven before forcing her paperwork on him. SpAria follow Cece to the game room.
Sweeney: After everything these girls have been through, the fact that Spencer let that perfect stranger take her application at a party just kills me. Something shady is definitely about to happen with that.
Lor: I’m pretty sure Cece just is that something shady.
Emily is alone in her room, crying as she watches Maya read some poetry.
Kahn Party. Big Brother Eric Kahn greets Cece who makes a crack about being worse after seeing him. Eric smarms all over Spencer and Aria, but Cece tells him to play nice, as these are her “ducklings.” Eric says to stay in the game room, they have to play, and shows them to the alcohol.
Lor: Cece pours her drink and starts playing truth or truth with Eric. There is a weird crowd shot where we see a blonde dude coming over to watch, quickly cut to a blonde girl sitting on a stool, facing away from the camera, and just as quickly cut back to the crowd who are just starting at Cece, not saying anything. IDK WHAT JUST HAPPENED. The truth or truth game starts as Spencer and Aria hang back and watch.
Marin Manor. Ashley wants to make dinner for Hanna, but she lies about having dinner plans with Aria. Plus, Hanna knows Ashley only cooks when she has something to tell her. Ashley spills about the court order, but tells Hanna not to worry because Mariska Mom is on it. She sends her daughter off to go have fun with her friend and then calls Pastor Ted and invites him to dinner.
Sweeney: #TEAMASHLEYMARINSHAPPINESS
Lor: Kahn Party. Truth or truth is still going on and Spencer and Aria are getting uncomfortable. They don’t want to play and think about heading upstairs until Noel Kahn arrives with Not Blind Jenna in tow. Aria and Spencer greet him and he asks who invited them. Noel says he doesn’t know Cece Drake as well as his brother does. Spencer asks if Jenna and Noel are together again, but he doesn’t answer leading Aria to challenge him to a game of truth or truth. Noel tells his brother that he’s next.
Sweeney: It’s weird the way they talk about this game “truth” like they play it every weekend at all the parties. It has to be exhausting having as many secrets as people in Rosewood seem to have. I couldn’t entirely handle basic tasks like “not wearing pajama pants to school” when I was a teenager.
Lor: Yeah, I was super amused by the two references to Truth or Dare that suddenly just became some game called Truth. When you live in Rosewood telling the truth is apparently the dare.
Hanna arrives at Rosewood’s One Restaurant only to find Caleb pulling up at the same time. She tells him to leave immediately, but he admits that he sent the text. “I’m A!” he claims, as he tells her to climb in the car.
After a Not Break Caleb, Hanna is freaking out. Caleb think he’s figured out what’s going on, that there is another A, which means that they can be together now and stop lying to each other. Hanna doesn’t think it’s that simple and she gets out of the car. Caleb follows suit. Hanna rants about how this A is legit, what with digging up graves, stealing bodies and, she admits, running his mother off the road. Hanna says she wouldn’t have let Caleb walk out the door if she had a choice. Realization washes over Caleb as he grabs her face, but she breaks free from him and walks away again.
Kahn Party. Truth or Truth. This whole scene is so ridiculous. I’m laughing as I type all of this. First Noel asks where Aria met her current boyfriend. True answer: at a bar. Aria asks if Noel ever invited Maya to one of these parties. Answer: Maya had an open invitation. Noel asks if she’s ever had sex with one of her teachers. Technically true answer: She never had sex with her teacher. Aria asks how he knew Maya. Answer: She was a hot lesbian that moved into a dead girl’s house. Everyone knew Maya. Noel asks if she ever framed anyone for stealing test questions. Answer: That wasn’t her. Aria asks where Noel was when Alison’s grave was dug up. He claims to not even know what day that was. He guesses he was here at the party cabin, and Eric vouches for that. Noel asks who her boyfriend is and what he did for the first few months of their relationship. Aria is uncomfortable but nothing bad ever happens to her, so time runs out before she has to answer. Spencer says Jenna is next.
First, though, Spencer chases after Aria who is super upset that people asked her questions about dating her teacher and she almost had to tell the truth about it! I mean, meanwhile she was nearly accusing people of murder and grave digging and shit, BUT SOMEONE ASKED HER WHAT HER BOYFRIEND’S OCCUPATION WAS. Spencer says she doesn’t want to leave until she finds out more about what they know about That Night. Aria says she’ll just call her boyfriend to come pick her up.
Sweeney: Another reminder of how incredibly self-inflicted Aria’s whole stupid drama has been. While the other girls are getting tormented for shit beyond their control, Aria’s situation is infinitely more within her control AND she never faces any real fucking consequences, unlike the other girls. DAMN IT, ARIA.
Lor: Aria calls Ezra, but Wesley picks up. We already recap a show with a Wesley so he’s officially Lesser Wes. Aria asks Lesser Wes where Ezra is and he weirdly says Ezra is being “detained” by the guy selling him back his car. Aria asks Lesser Wes to ask Ezra to pick her up and gives him the address.
Ashley and Pastor Ted have an old people date. Ashley has to excuse herself to answer a call from Detective Wilden. We cut away after she starts telling Wilden to back the hell away from her daughter.
Kahn Party. Noel convinces Jenna to stay and play truth or truth, because there has to be things she’s dying to ask Spencer.
Dead Girlfriend Video Solo Party. Emily is still watching Maya videos.
Sara: I feel for Emily and all, but OH MY GOD, MAYA IS ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF ME FROM THE GRAVE.
Lor: Girl, I’m so glad these scenes could be summed up in one sentence.
Kahn Party. Truth or Truth. Jenna asks why Mariska Mom is defending a murderer. Probably Not True Answer: Because she thinks he’s innocent. Spencer says Maya’s murderer is probably still at large. Jenna asks a follow-up, “you don’t think it’s because he started dating your sister?” and Spencer tells her to wait her turn and moves on. Spencer says that Jenna didn’t mention that Noel was with her on the night of That Night. Her question is what else she lied about. Jenna non-answers something about mutually assured destruction. She says Spencer promised her something the day Jenna told her about Emily. She wants to know if Spencer is going to keep that promise. Spencer asks where she found Emily. Jenna says she’s starting to wonder where Em was when Spencer found her and I’M SAYING. WAY TO MAKE EVERYONE IN THIS WHOLE CABIN SUSPICIOUS, GIRLS.
Sweeney: YOU FALSIFIED YOUR ALIBIS, GIRLS. REMEMBER THAT IMPORTANT DETAIL.
Lor: Noel jumps in and says they found her at a diner, drunk off her ass. So Jenna lied about finding her in the middle of the road. Spencer asks why she lied and Jenna says she was trying to protect someone. “Isn’t that why you lied about your parent’s lake house,” Jenna asks with a laugh. Spencer flinches but Jenna says it was a rhetorical question. This one isn’t: where is the video. I’ll admit that I often don’t remember like 87% of whatever past events are referred to by these people. Like, I have no idea what Spencer promised Jenna. (S: I don’t know either.) (S: The only thing I remember is them keeping quiet about her being Not!Blind anymore. Confusing.) In this case, though, I’m assuming Jenna wants the video of her raping her step-brother. Spencer says it’s safe, but Jenna asks where. Spencer says she wants to know where Ali’s body is, and if Jenna can tell her, she can have all the damn videos she wants. The stopwatch beeps.
Aria waits her ride, but it’s Lesser Wes who shows. Aria says first he took his phone, then his car. “What’s next?” Lesser Wes stares blankly and Aria takes her question back. Lesser Wes wants to grab some food on the way back.
Sara: Aria should really just date the age appropriate version of her current boyfriend.
Lor: The one who still has the inheritance and who is probably not stalking and threatening her entire life. At the very least, lying to her a great majority of the time.
Caleb is still going on about A, saying that if they figure out who killed Maya, they can figure out who A is. Hanna yells at him for saying words and forming thoughts (IDK), but he doesn’t care. He’s going to help her figure out who A is whether she likes it or not. He’s also going to kiss her, right now. I have no idea where they are. Some kind of abandoned factory lot. Cool.
Sweeney: A good old fashioned manipukiss.
Lor: Spencer finds Cece at the Khan Party, upset because she’s been looking all over for her. Cece tells her to chill, but Spencer is upset because she thinks there is no Steven guy from admissions. Spencer demands her application back, but Cece laughs and says that she actually already gave it to Steven, and had a lovely chat with him about how smart Spencer is. Spencer seems less than convinced and still wants to GTFO.
Ashley is STILL on the phone, this time with Mariska Mom. After that’s done, Ashley finds Pastor Ted in the kitchen, cleaning up their dinner. She apologizes, sharing with him the story of the deranged cop trying to come after her innocent daughter. Pastor Ted says it sounds like Hanna will okay though. “Thank God,” Ashley says, and then gives the most adorable little smile about her choice of words. Pastor Ted basically tells her not to judge him about how much he would judge her and they kiss.
Lesser Wes tells Aria they got off on the wrong foot, because he’s really a nice person. Aria doesn’t think so because he comes from a hostile family who throws their money around. Lesser Wes hilariously is all, “sigh. I guess that means you heard about the girl who Ezra knocked up and who was then offered a large sum of money by my mother?” Aria gives him Big Eyes and he’s all, “no? Didn’t hear that one?” No, Lesser Wes. We hadn’t heard that story before, but we thank you.
Sweeney: Ezra’s family is delightful. They should come around more often.
Lor: New Paige keeps up her quest to become the biggest turnaround story on this show as she commiserates with Emily over her dead girlfriend. She tells a cute story about her grandfather who passed, who did anything for a laugh, and what it was like watching home videos of him. She gets what Maya’s going through and she cuddles with her a bit.
Ezra comes home and Aria’s lurking in the hallway. She asks about Maggie and Ezra tells her to come inside, but she won’t. Ezra can’t believe Lesser Wes would tell her that story, but Aria is more concerned with the fact that he didn’t, because she’s still operating under the delusion that he tells her anything at all. He admits to the story. He was scared and went to his mother for help. She was determined to keep him on track and paid off this Maggie chick but it’s super unclear if that means to have an abortion of it there is a little Fitz running around in the world somewhere. Ezra asks Aria to come inside again and this time she relents.
Sweeney: Given that in spite of what the show might want to pretend about their ages, Ezra logically has to be a solid decade older than her for the plot (gets offered a job as a DEAN!) this means that when Ezra’s mom was buying off his baby mama, Aria was in 3rd or 4th grade. Cool.
Lor: EW EW EW EW EW EW.
Spencer’s home and undressing when she decides to give Toby a call. She leaves a message saying she misses him and is worried about him. Her computer chimes and it’s an insta-notification about her application to UPenn being received.
A-nonymous. A is renting a unit from a cat lady. Seriously, that just happened.
Next time: Noel’s Cabin is A! Wait, what? Something like that in Pretty Little Liars S03 E10 – What Lies Beneath.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
