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Game of Thrones S04 E05 – All manner of gifts.

Previously: Olenna confessed to killing Joffrey, Margaery started seducing Tommen and Bran was captured by the mutineers. SAVE HODOR!
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First of His Name

Lorraine: We start at Tommen’s coronation, where the (I’m assuming) High Septon calls the crown a heavy burden. He means it in a “ruling the Seven Kingdoms” way, but since the last handful of kings were all murdered, I’d say that shit is the worst kind of burden. Little Tommen needs all the prayers and blessings he can get. We pan a bit around the room, and focus for a while on DaddyUncle Jaime, standing just in back of the throne. The Probably High Septon finishes the ceremony, earns himself a Gold Star by calling Tommen the first of his name, places the crown on Tom’s head and proclaims, “long may he reign!” We hear and see Cersei and Tywin repeat those words, with the crowd, and I’m struck by Charles Dance’s smooth, velvety voice.

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There is lots of cheering and celebration for the baby king. I’m pretty sure they are all cheering and celebrating him being Decidedly Not Joffrey.

Sweeney: YAY NOT JOFFREY! But also, people of Westeros, things in your land are so ridiculous that the lives of an entire country are subject to the whims of a pre-pubescent child.

Lor: Things continue to not improve in Westeros.

People line up to bow and pay their respects to Tommen. Margaery stands apart from the crowd and Tom catches her eye. She bows and smiles at him, and he returns in kind. Cersei registers the exchange and quickly moves to end it by standing in their eyeline. If Tommen were pubescent, this might be considered cockblocking. Margaery tries to look away, but she can clearly see that Cersei is now making a bee line toward her.

Margaery greets her and after a few formalities, she tells Cersei that Tommen sits on the throne like he was born to it. Cersei notes that Margery is still in mourning for Joffrey. Margaery says all the right things about him being her husband and the king. Cersei cuts the bullshit and says he would’ve been her nightmare. Margaery looks taken aback. Cersei claims you never love anything as much as you love your first child, no matter what they do. The things he did shocked her. Without looking at her, she asks if Margaery thinks she’s easily shocked. Margaery answers plainly and quickly: no. And yet, the things Joffrey did shocked her.

Sweeney: These little moments where we see Cersei recognize that her child is/was the actual worst are fascinating.

Lor: It colors everything she ever did to support him. I both understand that she has a mother’s love and can’t understand how she knew he was the worst. She knew all along.

Tommen is a good boy, though. He could be a decent king. Margaery thinks that would be some consolation for all the horror that got him to the throne. Here, Cersei pauses and raises her eyes. At first, I thought she was rolling her eyes at another one of Margaery’s trite statements, but what comes next is an admission that Tommen will need help if he is to rule well. I think she was bracing herself, steadying herself for what she was about to say. (S: I still see eyeroll, but that’s partly because I believe Cersei would brace herself in part by rolling her eyes at Margaery’s statement.) (L: Fair.) Cersei assumes Margaery is still interested in being queen. Margaery sighs and says it would be a great honor, but she hasn’t even given any thought to what happens next. Cersei looks at her with the smallest hint of a smile, like, “bitch, please.” Margaery will speak to her father about it, and Cersei will do the same.

 

I can’t say that it was very smart, but I love that Margaery had to get in her final dig. Even in what is, at surface level, a treaty, she tips the power scales just a bit and for a moment. I also like that Cersei can’t hide that it gets to her.

Sweeney: It’s all the more intriguing when you consider that Cersei explicitly told her never to call her that, with a threat attached. Meaning it was either all the more stupid or all the more ballsy. Maybe both.

For reference, because Tumblr is delightful:




Lor: There’s also an incest joke in here somewhere. No one in this family knows that to call each other.

Bad Bitch Round Table. Ser Jorah tells Danaerys about Joffrey’s death and Ser Barristan adds to the good news that they’ve take the Meereenese Navy. Daario is sure to clarify that the Second Sons took the Navy. Because Dany is the worst at receiving gifts, she’s all, “and who told you to take the Navy?” Girl, just be happy! HE GOT YOU A NAVY.

Daario simply says that he heard she likes ships. Dany turns away a bit and can’t help but smile.

Sweeney: OOH, OOH, Tumblr did a fun thing with this one too and it’s amazing:



Lor: Dragons and ships. Dany gets all the best gifts.

Dany wants to know if 93 ships are enough to take King’s Landing. Ser Barristan is confident. Joffrey’s armies are dispersed and tired, and he’s dead. Jorah maintains that they aren’t fighting to make her queen of King’s Landing and 10,000 men can’t take Westeros. Barristan thinks the old houses will flock to support her, but Jorah counters that the old houses are fickle.

Plus, there’s more news: Without an occupying army, the masters at Yunkai have taken control of the city. The council Dany left in place at Astapor has been overthrown. Unhappy with this news, Dany dismisses her council, all except Jorah. She decides that she won’t sail to King’s Landing after all. She can’t expect anyone to trust or follow her when she can’t even hold Slaver’s Bay.

Sweeney: I love this. It also somewhat subverts the white savior trope she’s been playing out for way too long: the pretty blonde can’t just roll in, free some brown people, and presto-chango the world’s shiny! It turns out to be much more complicated than that. I love it. As much as I want her to get to Westeros, I’m excited about this turn of events. It’ll be all the more kickass when she does head across the Narrow Sea, because, “QUEEN OF A BUNCH OF SHIT,” can now be tacked onto her insanely long list of titles.

Lor: An excellent point. I hadn’t really thought about how part of the issue with her story was the free them and leave ’em approach, and I’m liking that they are addressing that here.

Littlefinger and Sansa walk along a path that will deliver them into the Eyrie. He tells her to put up her hood, to hide her recognizable red hair. As they walk, Littlefinger explains that the only way into the Eyrie is through the Bloody Gate. No one has ever successfully attacked the fortress, because of the way the Lords of the Vale used the mountains to their advantage. The idea of Littlefinger commanding such an impenetrable spot is disconcerting. The moral of the story is to use your strengths wisely. Littlefinger announces himself at the gates, saying he’s traveling with his niece, and he’s admitted into the city.

Inside the fortress, Lysa Arryn is sitting on her throne, her grown child resting peaceably on her chest. Robin gets up and runs to Littlefinger as he enters, happily calling him, “uncle Petyr.” Petyr gives him a glass bird as a gift. Sansa greets her aunt, and starts to lie about her identity, but Lysa knows exactly who she is. Lysa let Petyr leave the Eyrie specifically to collect Sansa. She warns her niece against calling her “aunt Lysa” in public, as no one must know she is there. Robin very casually brings up the fact that the Lannisters killed Sansa’s mother and chopped of her brother’s head. Sansa keeps it together and says they also chopped her father’s head off. Robin says he wanted to make the “Lannister baby man” fly, and Sansa is confused. To clarify, Robin goes over to the moon door and throws the glass bird down. I bet Littlefinger is all, “that jerk. THAT BIRD WAS A GIFT.”

Family catch up time continues as Lysa says that on top of everything else the Lannisters did, they also made her marry Tyrion. Sansa stands up, once again, to defend him, saying they forced him to marry her as well. Lysa finds that hard to believe and asks if he ever forced himself on her. He never did. The Sansa/Tyrion pairing was icky for a variety of reasons, and there was scarcely any way she could appreciate him while she was still in King’s Landing. He was good to her, though, in as much a way as he could be. I think now, further removed from her past situation, and given occasion to tell her story and defend him, she’s done that consistently so far. I can believe that next to Batshit Aunt Lysa and Smarmadouche Petyr, Tyrion doesn’t look so bad.

Finally, Robin leads Sansa away and to her chambers, leaving Lysa and Littlefinger alone. I call after them, “pleeeease don’t leave us here alooone!” They don’t listen. TV people never do. Lysa attacks Littlefinger with kisses and complains that he took too long getting back to her. She wants to get married that same night, seeing no reason to wait, but seeing plenty of reason to exposit-confess that she’s done so much for Littlefinger, including poisoning her own husband and writing that letter to Cat saying it was the Lannisters who did it. Littlefinger shuts her up with another kiss and agrees to marry her. She runs off and ushers some men into the room. This might even be the septon. She was keeping him on standby. She warns the men that she’s going to scream loudly when her husband makes love to her.

Cut to later that night. Sansa is awake in bed, listening to the screams of her aunt. Worse things have happened to Sansa. OR HAVE THEY?

Sweeney: Sansa legit cannot catch a break. You know nothing good is going to happen when you see Sansa appear on your screen.

Lor: Cersei and Tywin are discussing Tommen’s marriage to Margaery. Tywin asks when it would happen, and Cersei wants to allow enough time for Tommen to mourn his brother and Margaery her husband. Tywin’s all, “so two weeks then?” LOL. Sure. Two weeks. Cersei says she’ll marry Loras two weeks after that. Tywin knows she doesn’t like Loras, but he didn’t like Robert. “He used to pat me on the back a lot.” UGH. A BACK PATTER. TERRIBLE. I guess more terrible is that Tywin and Cersei both didn’t trust him. But, you don’t make formal alliances with people you trust. Tywin says they can only trust themselves, which makes that last statement even more true. Making a formal alliance with yourself would be awkward.

Sweeney: Someone on Twitter also pointed that his wording, though slightly ambiguous, implied that they shouldn’t be trusting each other either. I wonder if Cersei took that point to heart.

Lor: Probably not.

The Tyrell’s are their only true rivals as far as resources go. This redirects the conversation to finances, and Cersei soon learns that the crown is heavily indebted to the Iron Bank of Braavos. This is the second very recent mention of the Iron Bank, so probably they are going to win the game of thrones when they come repo everyone’s ass. (S: We’ve been approaching our guesses all wrong.) Anyway, message loud and clear to Cersei: marrying into the Tyrells is for the good of the family. She understands that, but doesn’t think her brothers do. Tywin gets her message. He knows she’s building a case against Tyrion, but can’t discuss the trial with her, since he’s a judge. She says they won’t discuss it, but does say that all that matters is the family’s future, and asks what Tyrion deserves for lighting that future on fire.

Somewhere Out There. Arya and The Hound are resting for the night, and she is running through her Night Time Murder List. “Joffrey,” she says, not knowing that someone else has already taken care of that. The Hound tells her to shut up, but she can’t sleep until she says the names. “The names of every fucking person in Westeros?” he asks gruffly. Only the ones Arya wants to kill. The Hound respects that, and says that if they come across his brother, maybe they can both cross a name off their lists. He lets her finish, so she turns over on her side and says a final name. “The Hound.” He turns and looks at her, with a look that says, “seriously?”

Sweeney: How is this the first time The Hound has heard the murder list? They’ve been traveling together for a while now. Pay better attention to your companion who wants to murder your face off, friend.

Lor: Survival tip!

Skeevy Eyrie. Lysa is feeding Sansa lemon cakes while telling her all about how Catelyn had a sweet tooth, and started to get… FAT. Sansa is all, “OMG. FAT?” This was all before Cat married Ned and moved to the north. Once she did, Ned’s austerity became her own. “Marriage changes people,” Lysa says. We didn’t know Lysa before marriage, but I’mma guess that it made her crazier.

Lysa grabs Sansa’s hands tenderly. Sansa asks where she got the lemons for the cakes. Littlfinger brought crates of them from King’s Landing, specifically for Sansa. She seems to pick up that this this is heading into weird territory and stiffly says she’s very lucky and very grateful. Lysa gets harsher as she wonders why Littlefinger feels responsible for her. Sansa says that she’s half Tully and Littlfinger loved… that family. Lysa picks up on the one second pause, and knows she meant to say that Littlefinger loved her mother. Sansa denies it, but Lysa rants about how Cat never loved Littlfinger. She always went, instead, for the sweetest, most obvious thing: Brandon Stark, who almost killed Petyr in a duel. And now, Petry risked his life to save the daughter of a woman who never loved him.

Lysa squeezes Sansa’s hands and asks if Sansa is pregnant. She repeats that Tyrion never touched her, but Lysa wasn’t talking about Tyrion. She wants to know what Sansa let Littlfinger do with her body. Sansa starts to cry in earnest.

 

Lysa releases her, stands and hugs her, shushing her cries. Lysa says that they’ll execute Tyrion soon, leaving her a widow. She can marry Robin and will be the Lady of the Vale. SOMEONE, PLEASE JUST RESCUE SANSA FROM LIFE.

Sweeney: I CAN’T EVEN HANDLE THIS. LOOK AT HER SAD FACE. SHIT. TOO MANY SANSA FEELS.

Lor: Brienne and Podrick are on their buddy trip. Podrick is having a really rough time of it, so it’s going to be a long journey for him, as Brienne figures that Sansa would’ve taken off to the Wall to be with Jon Snow. She heavily hints that Podrick could just not come along, but Podrick, lovable fool, will not leave her.

The Hound wakes to find that Arya is no longer next to him. She’s down by a river, practicing with her sword in the manner that Syrio once taught her.

Sweeney: Wonderful. She looks so graceful.

Lor: The Hound finds her and mocks her, asking if she’s practicing ways to die. He asks who taught her this water dancing. Arya answers, “The greatest swordsman who ever lived. Syrio Forel, the First Sword to the Sealord of Braavos.” The Hound scoffs and mocks some more, especially as Arya tells him that Syrio was killed by Meryn Trant. Arya cries that Syrio was outnumbered, without a sword and without armor. The Hound laughs about the greatest swordsman who ever lived, being without a sword. He tells Arya to show him what she’s got. She twirls Needle around a bit and stabs him, but right in the armor. He smacks her so hard, she falls to the ground. He picks Needle and points it at her face. “Your friend’s dead, and Meryn Trant’s not because Trant had armor and a big fucking sword.” He hands her back her sword with that piece of knowledge and takes off.

Though we’ve seen Arya harden a ton since the start of the show, she also has all this innocent ideology. The Hound is such an amazing foil to that. He’s crass and cruel and jaded and world weary. And even when he’s being awful to one of my favorite characters, it all has an air of teaching Arya things. It goes back to two themes I see developing in this episode so far: gifts and using your strengths. Use mountains if it’s all you got. If people believe you incapable of lying, use it to your advantage. And learn how to use a sword, but also, armor is cool.

Sweeney: After 3.5 seasons of this show, definitely going to say armor is way cool. (But A+ observation.)

Lor: King’s Landing. Prince Oberyn is making love to some paper. I’m sorry, it’s just that we rarely see him not having sex. It’s hard to process. Cersei pays him a visit, interrupting his poetry writing session, and offers to show Oberyn more of the gardens. They walk and talk about his poetry, which Cersei assumes is for his “paramour.” It’s actually for one of his daughters. He has eight. His fifth one is difficult and also named after his dead sister Elia. Cersei compliments the name, and Oberyn admits he can’t say it without “turning sad.” And after he turns sad, he turns angry. Cersei is all, “that’s probably why she’s difficult.” TRUE. If my father got sad and mad every time he just said my name, I’d probably tear shit up as well.

Sweeney: +1. And it’s probably a kind of childhood trauma Cersei knows a whole lot about.

Lor: Cersei says it’s all a joke, the way he’s a super powerful man who couldn’t save his sister, and she’s a super powerful woman who couldn’t save her son. “What good is power, if you cannot protect the ones you love?” Oberyn says they can avenge them. Cersei agrees. Oberyn asks if she really things Tyrion murdered her son, and aaaah. Do you see what Cersei is doing here? Now with the second judge assigned to Tyrion’s trial?

Sweeney: It’s so fucking clever. Also, this gave me majorly conflicted feelings. “Do I ship this now? I think I’m starting to. Is that acceptable?” It’s an improvement over the incest, but I also like Oberyn too much to not feel a little guilty. I’M SORRY, FRIEND.

Lor: Those two reach a piece of garden that overlooks the sea. Cersei says she hasn’t seen her daughter in over a year. The last time Oberyn saw her, she was swimming with two of his daughters, laughing in the sun. He smiles and looks wistful as he says it, and next to him, Cersei drinks in his words, and admits that she wants to believe she’s happy. Oberyn gives his word. “We don’t hurt little girls in Dorne.” “Every where in the world they hurt little girls.” That’s depressing shit.

Cersei asks Oberyn to bring Myrcella a gift from her, because ALL GIRLS LOVE SHIPS! MORE SHIP GIFTS!

And so, Cersei sends a gift and uses her strength, her unquestionable love for her children, to perhaps color the opinion of someone who will be critical in the upcoming trial. Well played, my lady.

Podrick is burning dinner and Brienne is even more unimpressed by his services. He never cooked for Lord Tyrion. She sits and starts to undo her armor. Podrick rushes to help, but she shoos him away. She wonders what he did for Lord Tyrion and he gives her a verbal resume, and ends with “mostly I poured wine.” HIRED! Come work for the Snark Ladies, Pod. We can offer you absolutely no benefits or compensation.

Sweeney: But, like, we’ll super appreciate you. We’ll give you all the gold stars.

Lor: Brienne asks if Pod ever did anything even remotely combat related. Pod says he killed a man once, just to watch him die. Kidding! He killed a Kingsguard who tried to kill Lord Tyrion at the Blackwater. Brienne looks pretty impressed and finally asks Podrick to help her out of her armor. He looks ridiculously happy to be undressing her.

Craster’s Keep. Locke is watching Rast roughly handle a woman and we hear the cries of other women in the background. He gets closer to the keep and finds the place where they are keeping Bran and co., but is gone before anyone notices him. Meera says Jojen needs water, but he doesn’t think it matters. Jojen tells Bran not to let anything stop him. Bran’s all, “bro. I’m tied up in a barn.” Jojen starts talking that crazy, mystical talk as he says that Bran isn’t there. He’s far away at a hill with a great weirwood tree. Bran smiles because he’s seen it before too. Jojen, Meera and Hodor are all here to guide Bran, who has to find that tree. “We will,” Bran says, not picking up the major, “I’MM DIE SOON,” vibes Jojen is giving. He says this isn’t the end for Bran. Meera asks how they’ll know the end and Jojen stares at his hand. From his point of view, it’s on fire. “You’ll know,” he says. So if your hand is on fire, you’re pretty close to the end? I can buy that.

Sweeney: Hands on fire sounds like a, “END PLEASE?” moment to me.

Lor: Locke gets back to the other Night’s Watch Men and reports that there are 11 men at Craster’s most of them already drunk. Locke tells everyone to steer clear of the hut. He says there are some hounds chained up inside because he’s a lying liar who lies and prevents Stark reunions.

No Hounds, Just Direbosses Hut. Skull Wine comes in with a couple of men and instructs them to grab Meera. Her cries are heartbreaking, as are Bran’s repeated shouts for them to stop. The men hang Meera’s hand from a ceiling hook and start grabbing at her pants, heavily insinuating that they mean to rape her. Skull Wine gets close to her, and asks what a high born girl is doing out in the woods, looking for trouble. “You like it rough, don’t you,” he asks. Jojen tells Skull Wine that if he lets Meera go, he can help him, as he has the sight and can see things that haven’t happened yet. Skull Wine says that’s a fine thing, and asks if he’s seen what the men are going to do to his sister. He unsheathes a knife and tells Jojen not to close his eyes. Jojen says he saw Skull Wine die this very night. He saw his body burning and then the snow covering his bones. There is a disturbance outside and Skull Wine’s all, “HUH. LET ME INVESTIGATE THESE STRANGE NOISES AFTER SOMEONE TOLD ME I WAS GOING TO DIE.”

It’s the Night’s Watch and soon there is an all out fight. Locke heads straight for the hut. Bran happily asks if Jon is with them, and Locke confirms. He guesses who Brandon is, but the boy doesn’t confirm. Locke slices Bran’s leg for his own confirmation. Meera starts struggling and Hodor starts Hodor-ing, pulling against his chain. Bran calls for Jon, but Locke threatens to kill all his friends if he keeps making noise. As Locke grabs Bran, he Wargs out, and goes to hang out in Hodor’s body. Once there, Bran!Hodor pulls against the chain until he breaks free of it.

Outside, Jon fights his way through Mutineers.

Bran!Hodor goes after Locke and snaps his neck. Once Bran leaves him, Hodor looks down at the dead body, and then down at his bloodied hands, confused and almost disgusted. It’s a terrible moment, and though Bran has saved himself and his friends, it’s at a high price. We recently had a conversation about this over on Angel, when we were trying to decide the verbage to talk about the non-consensual violation of minds and memories. There is no term, no real world equivalent, but this feels just as horrible as other scenes of violated consent we’ve seen on this show.

Sweeney: This moment was so powerfully done. I’ll admit that I found it pretty satisfying that Locke died, having not expected that, and just resigned myself that only terrible things will happen to the Starks. The quick shift from the murder to Hodor’s reaction to what his own hands had done, was brilliantly executed. It drove home the major point that Bran occupying Hodor’s body is some fucked up shit. We’ve watched many versions of people’s minds being violated across Traumaland, but Bran using Hodor’s body to kill a man was probably the most any show has ever been explicit about just how terrible a thing this is.

Lor: Brandon yells for Hodor to set him free and to also set Meera and Jojen free. It takes Hodor a moment to recover, but off he goes. Bran sees Jon and starts trying to pull himself closer to yell for him. Jojen, now free, comes over and tells him to stop. If Jon sees him, he won’t let Bran journey further north. ET TU, JOJEN?

Sweeney: SUCH BETRAYAL.

Lor: Jojen’s argument works and Bran picks his journey over his brother. Bran says they need to free Summer and go.

Jon finds Skull Wine, who says Jon is interrupting his good deal. They fight, and Jon takes a stab to the hip. Skull Wine gives a mid-fight speech about how fighting with honor sucks. He spits in Jon’s face and trips him, just as he’s about to tell us what’s wrong with honor. He doesn’t finish his sentence, because one of Craster’s daughters stabs him in the back. He pulls the knife out and goes after the girl, giving Jon time to stab Skull Wine through the back of the head and through his open mouth.

EW EW EW EW EW.

Sweeney: Necessary added emphasis: EW EW EW EW EW.

Lor: Jon asks the girl if she’s all right and I’m surprised she doesn’t suck her teeth and roll her eyes at that question.

Outside, the fight is ending. There are 5 fallen brothers and 10 dead mutineers. Rast is missing. They look at Skull Wine’s snapped neck and ask what man could’ve done that.

Rast is running through the woods and stops when he sees Ghost’s cage is open. And sure enough, Ghost shows up to chomp his face off.

Later, Ghost comes jogging back to camp like it ain’t no thang. Jon calls his direwolf over. It’s super cute that he does it in front of all his fighting bros too.

Sweeney: Direwolf reunion is a small consolation for the brotherly reunion that we were denied.

Lor: Jon next addresses the group of Craster’s daughter-wives, telling them they aren’t safe on their own. He offers to take them back to Castle Black, and find them work. The Wife with the SAG Card says that Craster beat them, and worse, and the mutineers beat them, and worse, so they’re going to find their own way. Jon asks if they mean to stay at Craster’s Keep. SAG Wife spits on the ground and tells him to burn it to the ground, and all the dead with it.

The women and remaining Night’s Wacthmen watch the Keep burn.

And may it burn for longer than Winterfell.

 

As always, here are some of the outstanding Tweets from last week’s #gameofsnark!

 

 

 

You can play along too! Join us live on Sunday at 9pm EDST, or just Tweet with #gameofsnark whenever you watch the episode.

 

Next time: Stannis tries to get a loan from the Iron Bank and Tyrion goes on trial in Game of Thrones S04 E06 – The Laws of Gods and Men.

 

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Nicole Sweeney (all posts)

Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.





 

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Marines

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.