I’ve seen a decent number of episodes of Charmed and I know it’s completely ridiculous. That seemed like a good enough reason to snark it.
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Something Wicca This Way Comes
Lorraine: I’ve tried to mini-recap several shows and nothing ever panned out. If you are reading this post, SUCCESS. If your name is Sweeney, and you are reading this post in our Trash, at least I tried. Tell no one about my failures.
San Francisco under a full moon and lots of rain. A lady feeds her cat, then chants a spell for protection. All the while we see someone sneaking up behind her. She startles, but then relaxes when she sees who it is. Probably she should’ve stayed on her guard or maybe worked a little harder on that protection spell because the cloaked figure stabs Witchy Cat Lady.
A young lady rushes into a stately house and out of the storm. Inside, her sister Prue (Shannen Doherty) is trying to fix their chandelier. They exchange some exposition that lets us know that Prue works at a museum and gets off of work at 6pm (do you feel intimately acquainted yet?) and Piper (Hollie Marie Combs) is a chef trying to get a job. She has a boyfriend named Jeremy who sends her wine. Good boyfriend.
In a totally seamless transition, Piper notices that their old “spirit board” is on the table. Since you and I don’t have to worry about royalties, that would be a Ouija board to us. She picks it up and reads the inscription.
Prue suggests sending the thing to their sister Phoebe because she has no vision! or sense of the future!! or foreshadowing! I added that last one to the list.
Netflix episodes don’t feature the original credits song, but I’m going to pretend they do. Because I AM THE SAAAAAHN. For reference:
Crime scene. Detective Daryl Morris has been paging Inspector Andy Trudeau because they’ve got another dead woman on their hands, the third in a week. Trudeau is reluctant to admit he was checking out an occult shop as a possible lead. Morris thinks that’s crazy talk. Trudeau insists that witches are being killed, but Mulder Morris is all, “no man. This woman just got ritually stabbed near or around an altar with occultish carvings on it. IT’S DIFFERENT.”
Halliwell Manor. Piper gently suggests to Prue the possibility of having a roommate, like say, maybe their sister. Prue points out that Phoebe lives in New York. Well… NOT ANYMORE! SURPRISE! Phoebe is moving back in with them, like right this second. For real, she’s at the door. Phoebe (Alyssa Milano and her weird smile) lets herself into the house and greets Piper warmly. Prue is not happy to see her. Without mincing too many words, Phoebe insists she didn’t touch Prue’s ex-boyfriend Roger, contrary to whatever tale he’s telling. Piper tries to fix things with food, but neither of her sisters truly appreciates the value of truce food.
Later, Piper goes to see Phoebe in her room. Piper says it shouldn’t have been her job to tell Prue about her return. Phoebe admits that’s true, but she just has a hard time talking to Prue because Shannen Doherty always looks like she might punch you in the face. Really, it’s because Prue has always been more of a mom to them. To really drive that part home, Prue comes in with an extra blanket.
Crime Scene. Trudeau is still trying convince Morris that the killer is targeting witches. Morris is a really close talker, so the whole time he’s telling Trudeau to stop talking about witches, it kind of looks like he’s going to kiss him. Gently. Witchy Cat Lady’s cat interrupts the would be kiss. Andy takes interest in him and his unique collar.
Halliwell Manor. Piper and Phoebe are dicking around with the Not A Ouija Board as Piper tells the story of how she met her boyfriend at the hospital while crying over her dying grandmother. Seriously, some asshole saw her crying and decided it would be a good moment to give her his number. Bad boyfriend. Piper leaves for more snacks and the pointer on the Not A Ouija starts moving alone, pointing to A and then T. Phoebe calls her sisters into the room, but when she tries to show them what happened, the Not A Ouija makes her look like an idiot. THANKS A LOT, SPIRITS.
Piper and Prue leave and the pointer moves again. Phoebe yells. Piper sees it that time. It finally spells out, “attic,” lightening crashes and the lights go out. The girls disagree about what to do next. Phoebe wants to go to the attic. Prue wants to go to the basement to the circuit breaker. Piper wants to GTFO because she’s seen TV before and this has all the makings of “someone’s gonna die.”
Phoebe heads upstairs and in the attic, she finds a chest that is emitting light and has a big, dusty book with that three pointed symbol inside. It’s the Book of Shadows. Phoebe opens it and reads the first page out loud, because she’s never seen TV, ever. Also, I don’t think I ever read to myself out loud. Anyone do this?
Bad Special Effects lights fill the living room downstairs. The light magically Photoshops a picture of the sisters, bringing them closer together.
Cheaper than therapy!
Prue and Piper make it to the attic and demand to know what Phoebe is doing. She shows them the Book of Shadows. They have powers and today is a great day to come into them because of the full moon. She’s already said the thing, too, so it’s not like they have a choice. Prue and Piper are not happy. Piper wants reassurance that nothing’s really changed. The girls walk past the Magically Photoshopped picture and some Tinkly Music tells us how wrong she is. Outside, the Cloaked Murderer watches the house.
Phoebe stays up all night reading the Book of Shadows. Piper’s on her way out the next morning and Phoebe fills her in quickly: One of their ancestors, Melinda Warren, was a witch who had three powers. Before she was burned at the stake, she vowed that her witch-y ancestry would get stronger and stronger culminating in the arrival of 3 sisters who would be the most powerful of all. The Charmed Ones. Phoebe thinks they are those sisters. Piper thinks not.
Museum. Prue’s jerk of an ex, Roger, breaks the news that he’s being promoted. She’s so angry, she makes a pen explode in Roger’s pocket. Later, Prue quits. As she leaves, he says he hopes she isn’t sneaking any office supplies out. She makes a choking motion with her hand that inadvertently results in Roger’s tie tightening around his neck.
Restaurant. Piper doesn’t have time to add the port to her interview-recipe before the hiring chef comes in to taste it. She gets so nervous she freezes time. She takes advantage and adds wine to the bite the chef is about to put into his mouth. Time unfreezes, the chef eats, and praises her food.
Phoebe is funemployed, so she’s riding her bike around the neighborhood and gets a vision of some kids being run over. A second later she sees these kids so she crashes her bike in front of them to keep them from the path of a car.
Hospital. Prue comes to pick Phoebe up. There, Prue sees Andy and it’s clear that they know each other and have some kind of history. Andy pretty much admits to Facebook stalking Prue, but without Facebook because it’s the 90’s so probably more emphasis on the stalking.
At a bar, Phoebe fills Prue in on the Charmed Ones thing.
Can we talk about this superb writing and acting? “I can’t move things with my mind!” *moves thing with her mind* “So I can move things with my mind? Wow.”
As the girls leave the bar, Phoebe explains that there are good witches and bad witches. Now that they are in the know about their powers, they aren’t safe any more. They stop at a pharmacy to pick up Phoebe’s prescription. I swear, I had worse bike accidents than that, and all I got were some Power Ranger band-aids and my mother telling me if I cried it would hurt worse.
Prue goes looking for headache medicine, still bitching at Phoebe about the whole witch-in-lots-of-danger thing. She mind-moves a bottle of pills as she rants. Phoebe figures out that she’s doing these things when she’s upset. Phoebe mentions their dad (who left their mother and moved to New York) and Prue de-shelves most of everything down that aisle. Prue feels better. A store worker somewhere would like to be the first one to try to murder her.
Piper is on a date with her boyfriend. He takes her to an abandoned building to show her an “amazing view.” Yeah, right. A view of murder? Once they are in a service elevator, Jeremy shows his true, sinister colors. He’s the one who has been murdering witches. Worst boyfriend ever.
Jeremy takes out a knife, Piper freaks and freezes time again. She tries to climb out of the elevator, but on the way out, time unfreezes. Jeremy grabs her, but she grabs a wooden beam, knocks him over the head and runs away.
Halliwell Manor. Piper gets home and asks Phoebe if the Book of Shadows said anything about getting rid of warlocks. Prue wants to call the cops but Piper talks her out of that horrible idea. That shit never works. In the attic, they perform a spell that involves candles, a rose and a clay doll. They think it worked, but Phoebe gets a vision that shows her all they did was give Jeremy thorns. (Seriously.)
The girls run downstairs and open the door for Jeremy. Really, I guess Prue was trying to run away, but it looks like she runs to the door and opens it for Jeremy. Prue keeps him back a bit with her telekinesis, buying them all time to trap themselves in the attic. They try to barricade the door, but that doesn’t work, so instead, they figure they should hold hands and invoke that power of three. Jeremy sends a bit of Bad Special Effects Fire at them, but as they start chanting, “the Power of Three will set us free,” the fire goes away. They are surrounded by a Magical Indoor Gust of Wind and Jeremy explodes.
We cut to the next day and a pretty upbeat, “we just killed our first warlock!” tune. Prue gets the newspaper and Andy the Stalker just happens to be outside at that precise moment. Waiting for her. Watching. He asks her out on a date, but she hesitates. She says she’ll call him later. Her sisters come out as Andy walks away. Prue tells them about the dinner invite but wonders if witches can date. They laugh, but then agree that their lives are completely different now. I never mentioned but Witchy Cat Lady’s cat managed to find his way to the Halliwell sisters. Phoebe is holding him, and Andy notices.
Prue says they have to be careful, wise and stick together. Probably, none of these things will happen.
Next time: A demon photographer sucks the youth out of girls in Charmed S01 E02 – I’ve Got You Under My Skin.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
