Previously: Dawn’s drinking got out of control and so that convinced her Ryan should stay with the Cohens. That and there is more season left.
—
The Debut
Willie: After a lot of previouslies we open with Seth and Ryan playing video games. Ryan has mastered the art and is beating Seth. The student has become the master so to say. Just then, the Cohen parents walk in, wanting to talk to Ryan. The suspense is killing all of us, I know, right?! Like, what could this possibly be about? Seth is being his weird self, mentioning something about the rug which I have no idea whether it will be necessary information or is just a stupid throwaway comment. Moving on.
The Cohens inform Ryan that they went to CPS today and they want him to stay with them. I told you this was going to be exceptionally unexpected news, ahem. The Cohen’s only concern is that they will need to have signed over all of Ryan’s legal rights. Ryan is worried that they might change their minds once they have become his legal guardians but they inform him this won’t happen. After all, he already pulled a lot of crap in only three episodes and say that he is still on probation but that they really want him to stay with them. What else can the poor kid do but accept this offer. He even gets an only slightly awkward hug from Kirsten.
Lorraine: I’ve often wondered about the return policies on children, so I don’t blame Ryan for his question. Good for Ryan, bad for me: you can’t really give them back.
Sweeney: The “no returns, no exceptions” policy is a major bummer.
Willie: Seth knew about this whole thing and is actually excited about Ryan becoming his brother. As much as you can be when you’re a teenager, that is.
Cut to the pool house. Kirsten goes into full interior decorator mode, informing Ryan they will need to go shopping for essentials like underpants and a tux. Ryan wants to know why he needs a tux and the answer is a cotillion that’s going to happen in the next week. I guess this qualifies for the another effing dance tag, doesn’t it?
Sweeney: I don’t know that we’ll ever reach Sweet Valley High levels of use for the tag, but if ever there was a contender, The OC is it.
Willie: Having only seen these 4 episodes, I have no problem imagining that!
Getting out of a car in front of some fancy-schmanzy estate, Kirsten informs us mere mortals and Ryan what a cotillion entails. Seth makes a snarky comment about it all being about the booze and throwing up on your dress. Kirsten isn’t too pleased with her son’s opinion at that point because she was a debutant herself a long time ago.
Inside, Kirsten runs into a woman she seems familiar with. They exchange some essential information about where to get changed and so on.
At the Cohen house, Sandy has returned from surfing when neighbour Jimmy comes over for a talk. They have an awkward conversation about Kirsten lending him so much money. Sandy asks questions about how Jimmy lost so much jones to begin with and how much he lost but doesn’t get an answer. When Jimmy leaves, Sandy has a look on his face that I can’t quite categorise yet since I’m not familiar enough with the show to do so but it does’t look good. (The hair never looks good in my opinion but okay.) (L: It always looks like 1 wash and 5 minutes of styling away from good.) (And a hair cut. I’d always throw in a hair cut as well.)
Back at the fancy-pants cotillion place, Ryan has to pick a tux when he spots Marissa because the world of the rich and beautiful is oh-so-small. She is surprised to see him there, thinking he had left with his mother but Ryan corrects that misconception. Then Marissa’s douche-y boyfriend and Rachel Bilson come over as well.
Kirsten arrives to save Ryan from doing anything stupid. She also informs us that Marissa is lead-deb (now that sounds dumb) and wants to introduce her to some shining white knights (not in armour). I have to stop here for am moment and laugh because my only other experience with cotillions comes from Gilmore Girls and OMG. Is this really a thing in the US? Never mind, Wikipedia informs me that we have those as well though I guess to a far lesser extent or maybe they aren’t as common in the US as TV is making me want to think.
Lor: There are a lot of, “OMG, REALLY?” sentiments about the US that really could be informed by the size and diversity of the country. Plus, you take into account all the different races, religions and something as simple as class, and well, no. Cottillion was definitely not a thing for me, but I know what a Quince is and this looks like a group Quince. Something like that.
Sweeney: In general, if you assume that soapy teen dramas are an accurate representation of this country or its schools, then you are sorely mistaken. There was never the time and money for all of this shit because most of us actually did this weird thing where we went to class and stuff.
Willie: Bummer. Thanks to The Fosters, I know what a Quince is though. Basically everything I know about life, love and other cultures comes from watching TV.
Anyway. Moving on.
You know who was missing from this conversation? Seth so he can deliver the oh-so-swoonworthy line of him being a white knight for Rachel Bilson. Now that this has been sufficiently weird, the girls leave to talk about the boys in a changing.
Rachel Bilson who I have to start calling Summer eventually, informs Marissa that she wants to be fixed up with Ryan and that he will be a bad boy once she is done with him. I will never understand why women get a thrill out of changing men but okay. Marissa tries to convince us and Summer that she doesn’t want to make crazy science with Ryan. Sorry, wrong show, but you get the sentiment.
There is some more talk but Summer in a bra, you really didn’t expect me to pay attention to dialogue just now, did you?! Oh, never mind. (L: Summer is shirtless shots!) (I’d end up so drunk and horny.)
At Sandy Cohen’s Office of Saving Teenagers from Themselves a man in a suit walks in, asking for help. Suit Guy wants to talk some more about the money Kirsten wired Jimmy. This must really be a sore topic for Sandy. After all, he married into the money and was also not asked before his wife generously dispersed of some of it. Suit Guy info dumps that Jimmy is currently the subject of an SEC fraud investigation. Womp, womp.
Kirsten and the boys get home to find Sandy already in the kitchen pouring wine. (L: NICE. I expect any future husband to prepare me for all bad news this way.) (Meanwhile I expect the future Mrs. Sunshine Upton to greet me with cheese cake when there is bad news to prepare me for.) The boys leave their parents to whatever lending huge sums of money to a fraud they need to discuss.
Meanwhile Seth and Ryan have a conversation about Ryan wanting to get out of this whole cotillion thing because Marissa and all.
Back in the kitchen, Sandy fills his wife in on the new Jimmy development. The guy has been taking money out of his clients accounts to cover his own debt. Kirsten is not happy to hear it, especially since her loan means they will be investigated by the SEC as well. Also, hello personal childhood trauma courtesy of my father.
Sandy wants to call their friends and let them know about the Jimmy situation but Kirsten stops him because of long friendship reasons and personal feelings.
At the Cooper Estate of Stealing Money, Ryan is at the door when Marissa opens, dressed in a white virginal dress. Ryan wants to talk about the cotillion but he has to help Marissa’s finish dressing first because, you know, reasons. Ryan gets a weird longing look when he sees all that bare back. He totally forgets about the cotillion thing and asks when he should be there. Awwww, such an awkward teenage boner moment.
Cotillion Rehearsal apparently involves dancing which makes Ryan freak out. Marissa and Summer arrive on the scene with Summer being all over Ryan. Only he isn’t her date but that of a girl from Pittsburgh, PA. Whoops. (Sorry I get an unexplainable kick out of your way of writing the state behind the city and also this city reminds me of a Chuck Berry song.)
Lor: This is awesome. Kirsti has also mentioned getting a kick out of the state thing, but just for reference, there are two other Pittsburghs in the US, plus a neighborhood in Atlanta and a Pittsburgh Junction in Ohio. I got all of that from Wikipedia too. We are killing it with the scientific research today.
Sweeney:
Willie: This is so educational, y’all!!
Since Summer is really desperate for a date, she considers Seth and he leaps at the chance. Poor boy, you are such a fool but I know the feeling too well myself. I also feel compelled to mention that Summer’s shirt is really see-through. This show is torture but the sweet kind. Ahem. Moving on.
Dancing lesson courtesy of Marissa and no, this is totally not flirty at all, I don’t know what you’re insinuating, lalalala. On cue, her douche-y boyfriend comes in, calling Ryan gay and ruining all the fun. It’s not okay to use gay as an insult, buddy, I’m onto you Mr.! Pittsburgh Girl knows what’s up, yo! She also recognises Ryan as Newport’s Most Wanted and is actually thrilled to have him introduce her to society. Another thing I don’t get, the appeal of bad boys; no wonder I was so terrible at being straight.
Sandy Cohen’s Office of Problems. He is saying no to some request from Kirsten but doing it ever so nicely. Kirsten won’t understand why Sandy is so willing to help drug offenders but not their friend Jimmy the black hole of other people’s money Cooper. I’m with Sandy on this though, sorry Kirsten.
Cotillion Rehearsal, three hours of dancing later, Marissa invites the guys to hang out with her clique of friends. If this isn’t going to turn ugly, I don’t know what is.
Lor: I get that Marissa is trying to be a friend and all, but surely she must notice that everywhere she invites Ryan to, he gets punched in the face. BE A FRIEND AND STOP ASKING, GIRL.
Willie: Ryan doesn’t want to go but Seth calls up the bro-code because he still nurtures that unrealistic dream of dating Summer.
Let’s go to the mall. Jimmy runs into debutant girl and her father shopping for the debutant social the boys were just invited too. Debutant Father goes to ask Jimmy why he never heard back from him. Another awkward conversation, isn’t this fun?! As if that wasn’t enough yet, Jimmy’s credit card gets declined when he wants to pick up the food. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?! A little too ironic. (I’m fluent in song lyrics, why thank you for noticing.)
Debutant Social of I Don’t Even Want to Think About It. Summer and another girl are in bikinis standing by the BBQ. There is a lot of skin shown in this scene. Ryan and Marissa talk but not for long when Luke the Douche comes over to mark his territory. He kicks Ryan because he is the absolute worst.
Willie: On Gilmore Girls, there were girls who went to more than one cotillion as a way of finding a husband. I really don’t understand the circumstances of cotillions and being introduced to society.
Will-He-Won’t-He Pool House. Seth is there to pick Ryan up for the cotillion but Ryan is again not coming. Dude, you’re changing your mind more often than a woman on her period. I get where Ryan is coming from; he doesn’t want to screw this night up, being a newly Cohen and all, but COME ON! (L: I mean, he keeps trying, AND HE KEEPS GETTING HIT.)
At the Cooper Estate, Marissa explains to her mother that she doesn’t want to go to the cotillion. She opens up about her doubts concerning her future relationship with Luke and her trophy wife mother quickly deduces this has to do with Newport’s Most Wanted. Needless to say she is against that kid. Ugh. (Oh Misha Barton, things were so much simpler when you could make out with Evan Rachel Wood, weren’t they?! Spoiler alert, no they weren’t but it resolved a lot quicker.)
Cohen House, Sandy is number three in not going to this thing. Kirsten has had enough of this and leaves with Seth.
Cooper Estate, Trophy Wife gets her panties in a twist over Jimmy not wanting to go to this thing but she puts her foot down. Wow, this cotillion sure is popular *coughs* no it isn’t *coughs*
Cotillion Time! Seth runs into Pittsburgh Girl in her pretty white virginal dress. Sucks that he now has to tell her, her date isn’t showing up. She was expecting this though and is okay with it.
Cohen Kitchen, Sandy and Ryan run into each other surprised that neither is at the cotillion. Instead they bond over playing video games.
On the phone, Marissa explains to Summer why she is a no show even though Ryan didn’t come. Meanwhile Pittsburgh Girl and Seth bond over graphic novels geekery. I approve. Summer waltzes over to inform Seth, she has found another date (probs Luke) and doesn’t need his services any more. Poor boy.
Cohen house. Marissa is at the door telling Ryan she is going if he is going which means they are going.
Sweeney: Because Ryan was just thinking, “You know, I’m not sure if I’ve gotten hit enough times lately.”
Willie: Cotillion of Awkwardness, Jimmy runs into Cotillion Father who needs that promised cheque which Jimmy obviously doesn’t have. Marissa and Ryan walk into the cotillion which puts Luke’s jealousy into overdrive and he breaks up with M. Good for the girl.
Pittsburgh Girl gets mad at Ryan but he won’t be needed as her date and since Luke just broke up with Marissa, the girl is in dire need of a date.
Pittsburgh Girl finds Seth sulking on the floor and offers her escortship to him. This sounds wrong. Meanwhile Summer isn’t having any date after all which reminds her she could always ask Seth but he finally found his backbone and says no. Yay!
Lor: In like the weirdest way possible. He Cabbage Patch-es away from her. I don’t even know what that was.
Willie: Ryan and Marissa see each other for the first time all dolled up.
Official introductions, yada yada yada. Jimmy tells Marissa he loves her. Next up, dancing.
Sweeney: We also see that Marissa is clearly wearing a completely different dress than we saw her in earlier. This one is entirely backless, which would have made the zipping up scene impossible. Wardrobe was all, “MB can’t act but she’s gorgeous so let’s all play to our strengths and put her in as many pretty dresses as possible.” And that’s basically her character arc for the entire show.
Willie: And here I didn’t even notice she was wearing a different dress, whoops.
Debutante Father tries talking to Jimmy again but Jimmy isn’t having any of it because this isn’t the time but the guy is relentless and demands answers and then PUNCHES JIMMY IN DA FACE! Congrats Ryan, you’re for once not the embarrassment of a party.
Sweeney: PLOT TWIST: SOMEBODY ELSE GETS PUNCHED! Crazy!
Willie: Sandy is holding an ice pack to his face and Kirsten is all proud of her husband for stepping in and breaking off the fight because he sided with Jimmy.
Seth and Ryan have a cute brother moment when Seth asks about him bringing Pittsburgh Girl home. Of course Ryan is okay with it.
Moody music plays when Ryan finds Marissa outside. He hands her his coat and they talk about what just happened inside.
Luke and Ryan have a stare off. The end.
I’m not sure if this is the right place for it but if it isn’t here then I don’t know where else. I just want to say a quick thank you to Lorraine and Sweeney for having me on here, it’s been an honour. I’d happily do this again some time when the lesbians arrive if you want me to.
Next time: Ryan meets another “not from around here” dude and somehow it ends up with Luke getting hurt again in The OC S01 E05 – The Outsider
I'm a 30-something safety engineer dreaming of finding someone to support my habit of shipping badass women in media with each other. Love running and singing and also self-depricating humour.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
