The OC S01 E03 – #richpeopleproblems

Previously: It only took two episodes for Ryan to get arrested again!
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The Gamble

Democracy Diva: Hello, Snark Nation! It’s a pleasure to be covering this episode of The O.C., one of my all-time favorite guilty pleasure shows. I had pictures of Seth Cohen on my wall and the show’s soundtracks playing on a constant loop throughout my high school career, so I feel qualified to present you with this recap.

Sweeney: A+ credentials. Also, I’m glad you mentioned the soundtracks, which were basically the best thing about this show and also a character in their own right.

Diva: Fact. We begin in juvie. Sandy Cohen is visiting Ryan, who was arrested after he accidentally set fire to one of Kirsten’s model homes in the last episode. Sandy exposits that Kirsten’s company has dropped all charges against Ryan, and he’ll be free as soon as he gets through a probation hearing… in thirty to sixty days. Unfortunately, Ryan can’t get out of juvie before then unless he can be released into the care of a parent or guardian, which is kind of impossible since no one knows where the hell his deadbeat mother is. When Ryan sees Luke getting picked up by his parents, he looks even more miserable, and Sandy’s Eyebrows of Non-Negligent Parenting gleam as he says if he could take Ryan home with him for good, he would. (L: Which is probably not as comforting as he means it to be…) He asks why Ryan ran away to the model home instead of coming to Sandy for help, but Ryan knew that would land him in foster care. As Ryan walks back through a sea of black and Hispanic men – he is for real the only white dude in this prison – he gets pushed around by WEEVIL from Veronica Mars!

Lorraine: OH COME ON, WEEVIL! LEAVE HIM ALONE! We know you have at least one white friend back in Neptune, bro.

Diva: The credits roll, and oh my God, you guys, I have not heard these credits in so long and they are some of my favorite credits of all time. LOOK AT ALL THESE PRETTY PEOPLE ON ALL THESE PRETTY BEACHES NEAR ALL THESE PRETTY HOUSES. When I visited Orange County for the first time in college, I could not even believe that it really looked as beautiful – and terrifyingly WASPy – as The O.C. 

Sweeney: The credits are the show’s way of assuring the audience that if there’s anything we don’t understand because it defies all logic and sense, it’s probably just because we’re too tragically poor to comprehend the #richpeopleproblems

Diva: So true. This show is ALL ABOUT #richpeopleproblems.

Cohen House. Kirsten is having something called a “Newpsie Convention,” which seems to be a gathering of female plastic surgery victims in their late thirties and early forties, pretending to eat hors d’oeuvres and slyly binge-drinking. Sandy is all, stop inviting these terrifying women into our home, and Kirsten’s like, but they’re actually my oldest friends, and it’s kind of depressing. Seth Cohen enters to give his parents attitude for letting Ryan stay in juvie. When Kirsten says she’s not Ryan’s mother, Seth says, “good thing.” I’m trying to imagine what would happen if I said that to my mother and I can’t because I COULD NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS GET AWAY WITH THAT SHIT.

Lor: I tried to imagine it too and I think I blacked out for a few seconds. Like my brain overloaded even trying to.

Sweeney: Meanwhile, I’ll just file that away and make a note to hug my mother extra tight and apologize for any/all Being A Little Shit I put her through.

Diva: Julie Cooper, AKA one of the greatest female villains since Lady Macbeth, enters and basically thanks Sandy for unleashing a criminal in her backyard. Sandy takes this as his cue to leave and tells the “Newpsies” (I can’t even call them that without sarcastic quotation marks because it’s the stupidest word on earth, so let’s start referring to them as the “Gossip WASPs”) that maybe next time, he’ll bring a black or Asian kid home! Kirsten changes the subject by offering everyone bellinis, which works because bellinis are delicious.

Lor: And we know for a fact these women haven’t had a drink in like, five minutes. They are way overdue.

Diva: PREACH.

Back to juvie. Weevil attacks Ryan with a plastic fork, and I don’t want to seem blasé about prison violence, but c’mon, bro. It’s a plastic fork. How much damage can that really do? I mean, at least Weevil didn’t sneak a razorblade in underneath his tongue. Ryan, do you even watch Orange is the New Black?!

Cohen House of Gossip WASPs. They’re discussing an upcoming charity event/excuse to show off how rich they are. Kirsten can’t take much more of these women (and neither can I), so she sneaks outside, and catches Seth trying to sneak out to visit Ryan. Seth begs her to come visit Ryan with him, and since a visit to juvie is highly preferable to a Gossip WASP Convention, she agrees.

Cooper House. In the bedroom of Marissa Cooper, better known (to me) as Drunken Clothes Hanger, Summer is predictably shirtless (L: Huh. Just realized how often she’s shirtless. I’d add that to the drinking game but I don’t want to end like a Gossip WASP.) (S: But isn’t that how we’re supposed to watch this show?) (D: Definitely.) and wondering why Marissa’s dad seems to be home all the time lately. Marissa’s worried because Luke is still avoiding her calls, but Summer assures her that Luke loves her, because he set a fire for her and fires are hot. While it is technically true in a scientific sense that fires are hot, I’m going to have to go with a big bag of nope on the whole “arson=sexy” thing. Anyway, Jimmy brings Seth to Marissa’s bedroom door, and Summer is still shirtless and Seth smiles and babbles and apologizes because he’s sixteen and she has boobs. When Seth tries to invite Marissa along on the big family juvie visit, she loudly pretends he’s asking for a ride to a Star Wars convention, thus ensuring Seth will never, ever get laid. He indignantly asks if she could have at last said X-Men, since Summer’s top was off and all.

Marissa won’t come along because that will interfere with her busy schedule of drinking and wearing clothes, very important tasks for Drunken Clothes Hangers.

Kirsten and Seth arrive at juvie and Ryan’s got a scar on his neck that is way too deep and bruised to be from that shitty little plastic fork. Unless Weevil is a vampire, I see no plausible explanation for this particular injury. (L: I’m really enjoying your firm stance on plastic forks. DON’T BELIEVE THE PROPAGANDA, Y’ALL.) (D: IT’S BULLSHIT, I TELL YA!) Anyway, Seth starts to apologize for his not-brilliantly-thought-out model home idea, but Weevil starts harassing Kirsten. When Weevil calls her a bitch, she decides it’s time to go. Things quickly escalate, Ryan shoves him against a wall, Weevil punches him, and guards run in and separate them while Weevil screams, “you’re dead!” Kirsten and Seth look appropriately horrified.

Sweeney: Somewhere around this time I remembered that Weevil also turned up as a random violent criminal on Heroes. My love for Weevil makes it painful to know that the actor has been typecast as “Hispanic criminal.”

Except, of course, for his greatest acting role of all time:

Diva: LOLFOREVER THIS IS THE BEST. Ahem.

Cohen House of Newfound Children. Sandy overhears video games and is all ready to yell at Seth… until he sees Ryan sitting next to him. Once Kirsten saw how bad juvie really was, she got him the fuck out of there, but clarifies to Sandy that while she couldn’t leave him in juvie, he also can’t stay with them. Ryan overhears this argument and broods, because he’s the broodiest character on television besides Angel, but also because this is an appropriate time to brood.

Lor: Again, I for real forgot about all the brooding, dear Lord. He’s got this pathetic and hilarious kicked puppy face. I just want to hug him. While laughing at him.

Sweeney: That’s his entire relationship with Marissa. They sit at parties where everyone is fabulously wealthy and flagrantly snorting cocaine out in the open while brooding at each other from across the room. The hard life of a professionally attractive person.

Diva: Beware: being professionally attractive often requires flagrant cocaine snorting.

During breakfast the next morning, Seth wants to know what happened between Ryan and Marissa, but he’s all, uh, nothing. He kicked her out of the model home because he was leaving the next morning and not about to tap that under the circumstances. Never one to give up on the ability to live vicariously through Ryan’s sexual escapades, Seth points out that Ryan is in fact still here, and so is Marissa.

Next door in Marissa’s bedroom, Julie Cooper is wearing a baby pink velour sweatsuit with no shirt on underneath, because the early aughts were a truly terrible time for us all. Julie tells her daughter that even though Ryan is in love with her, she’s too good for him and needs to focus on her future, also known as Luke. Because, you know, sixteen-year-old couples always stay together forever, right? (L: And girls only have futures that are directly related to boys!) (S: A point they’re really driving home in the next episode.) Anyway, Julie tells Marissa to get dressed and get ready for a night of charitable gambling, and this for some reason cheers Marissa up.

Since Sandy has to work, Kirsten is stuck bringing Ryan (and Seth) along to set up Casino Night. When Julie arrives, she’s about as cold as can be to Ryan, but overly loving to Luke. Ryan and Marissa apologize to each other for fucking up each other’s lives, and Marissa tells him that he was right, about them being from two different worlds. They’re just like Romeo and Juliet, only boring!

Ryan tries to apologize to Luke, but Luke isn’t having it. Kirsten separates them to diffuse the tension.

Lor: I really love how upset Luke is about something maybe-kind-of-possibly happening between Ryan and Marissa, with no mention of how Ryan totally caught him hooking up with some other girl…

Diva: Since I haven’t seen the first two episodes in awhile, I totally forgot about that girl! She sucks.

Anyway, at a coffee shop nearby, Julie is shit-talking the Cohens for putting a criminal in her backyard, but she doesn’t realize Sandy is at the next table. When Julie’s fellow bitchy housewife says Kirsten works too much in order to avoid her home life, Sandy decides it’s time to join their conversation. After taking a bite out of Julie’s muffin – that’s not a euphemism, though it sounds like one – he’s says he’s surprised that Newport isn’t being as welcoming to outsiders as it once was. Sandy’s from the Bronx, you see, and he pointedly mentions that Julie’s from Riverside. Julie’s face clouds over and she looks like she’s about to explode and punch Sandy in the face and murder her friend just for hearing about this. Apparently, Riverside is a lot like Chino, and thus not at all like Newport, and therefore Julie should maybe shut the fuck up about judging people from bad neighborhoods. Sandy gets a call about Ryan’s mom, thanks Julie for the muffin, and walks away, like the badass he is.

Sweeney: This will forever be one of my favorite moments from this show.

Diva: Casino Night Set-Up Shenanigans. Kirsten and Ryan start to bond about architecture – unlike Seth, Ryan (who once worked construction) is really interested in her work. He used to want to be an architect, but now he just wants to be seventeen. (And so does Kirsten.) (L: Not I.) (S: Word. Being a teenager was the worst.)

Cooper House of Secret White Trash. Julie tells Jimmy how Sandy called her white trash – “he said I was from Riverside!” And Jimmy’s like, uh, you ARE from Riverside, because he doesn’t understand that Julie Cooper logic is not like our human logic. When Julie starts to shit-talk Kirsten for being out of control, Jimmy’s all, please kindly leave her the fuck alone because she’s currently bankrolling our family. Jimmy confesses that Kirsten gave him $100,000 to solve the “business problem” he mentioned to Julie in the last episode. Julie is aghast at the idea of Kirsten knowing her family’s money troubles.

At a random laundromat, we meet a flustered Dawn Atwood, Ryan’s mother. Sandy convinces her to get a cup of coffee with him and talk about Ryan. Back at the Cohen house, Kirsten and Ryan are still chatting about architecture and slowly bonding, and it’s very sweet. Until Ryan sees his mother in the Cohens’ living room, and his #broodface reappears.

Cohen House of Awkward Dinner Guests. Things are quiet and uncomfortable. Sandy tries to break the ice, asking Dawn about work, but Ryan accuses her of getting fired. She also tried to visit his brother Trey in prison, but Trey wouldn’t see her, and she’s currently “between places.” Ryan asks about her boyfriend A.J., and Dawn insists that it’s finally over between them, because he hit her and Ryan too many times. She mentions her alcohol problems and A.J. bringing coke into the house, and Ryan storms off, not wanting to relive all this shit in front of the seemingly-perfect Cohen family. The Cohens look about as uncomfortable as you’d expect.

Lor: Kirsten looks like all of her privilege has straight erased her appetite. Rough.

Diva: Cohen Pool House of Abandonment Feels. Ryan accuses Dawn of abandoning him, and she’s all, yup, I was a hot mess, but now I’ve changed. Ryan’s skeptical, since he’s heard this shit before. Dawn promises him it’ll be different because they never had friends like the Cohens who wanted to help them before. She tells Ryan that’s he’s the good one and the smart one in the family, and all of his fuck-ups are her fault, because she’s the one who fucked him up. Dawn turns to leave, but Ryan stops her, and tells her he wants to take things slow. With tears in her eyes, Dawn agrees.

Later, the Atwoods are out and the Cohens are concerned. Kirsten defends Dawn, but Seth says she’s the one who should be on probation, not Ryan. Seth wants Kirsten to ask Dawn to stay with them so they can all keep an eye on her. Enter the Atwoods, giggly and smiley. Dawn says she and Ryan will leave soon, but Kirsten insists they stay for Vegas Night or Casino Night or whatever the hell this charity event is. (S: Who knows! Who cares! It’s ANOTHER EFFING DANCE and those are like sunshine, money, and brooding in their OC ubiquity.) Ryan looks doubtful, but Kirsten says she’ll find something for Dawn to wear, and it’s settled. While Sandy and Ryan do the dishes, Ryan mentions his mom wants to find a place to live nearby (but, you know, more affordable). Kirsten and Dawn enter, with Dawn looking remarkably elegant.

Lor: Take a crimper to anyone’s hair and suddenly they look like the wrong side of the tracks, I guess.

Sweeney: Crimped hair is now forever tied to Bad Girl Buffy. I suppose these ideas might go together though. It wouldn’t surprise me if one rule of Bad Girl Styling is, “Look kind of poor because poor people are scary!”

Diva: Vegas/Casino/Whateverthefuck Night. It’s extravagant, like every Newport event. Dawn wonders whether all their parties are like this, and the answer is yes, because rich people love to throw their money in the air and dance around in it! (L: For, like, charity and stuff!) The Coopers enter and greet the Cohens awkwardly. Julie’s making sly comments about Kirsten bankrolling their life. Nearby, Dawn is counting cards in blackjack but otherwise having a vice-free night. She even orders a non-alcoholic drink and tells her son to go talk to Marissa, whom he’s making eyes at. But as soon as Ryan walks away, Dawn’s hands start to shake.

Marissa notes that Ryan’s mom is back and asks if he’s going home now. She coldly wishes him good luck, and he tells her to have a nice life. Luke is watching angrily from the slot machines, so Ryan tells her to go to him. Meanwhile, Seth bends down to pick up some dice, and bumps into Summer, who makes him blow on her dice for good luck.

She calls him the wrong name and pulls him next to her when she realizes he’s good luck, and Seth looks so happy it’s almost upsetting.

Lor: I vaguely remember liking Summer but three episodes in, I can’t really remember why…

Sweeney: I KNOW. I have strong feelings of love for Seth/Summer but oof this girl is so far making those feelings feel super confused.

Diva: They definitely did not bother to give her a good personality until at least halfway through the season.

Cut to Marissa telling Luke to stop ignoring her. She tells him it was a mistake to go after Ryan, and Luke is like, no shit. Julie approaches Sandy, apologizing for shit-talking his wife and thanking him for the $100,000 they gave Jimmy. Sandy acts like he knew all about this, but it’s clear he had no idea. Way to stir the pot, Julie. In my family, we’d call her a kocheleffel – that’s Yiddish for someone who stirs shit up, but I think it literally means a pot-stirrer. (That’s some deep-cut Yiddish lessons there, kids. Even Sandy Cohen probably doesn’t know that one.) (L: Filed away.)

Ryan tells Luke to stop ignoring Marissa, since nothing happened between them, and Marissa chose Luke anyway. Sandy spies Kirsten giggling with Jimmy and looks PISSED. Dawn orders a cocktail, and Kirsten sees her and looks worried.

After the not-break, Seth is still Summer’s good luck charm, and Luke is helping Marissa work a slot machine because I guess she’s not capable of doing that on her own. That’s not sarcasm – I really doubt she has the brain cells to figure out such advanced technology. Meanwhile, Dawn is getting tanked. Kirsten tells her to slow down, and she agrees, but when Sandy pulls Kirsten aside for an angry chat, Dawn downs her drink.

Julie tells Jimmy that Sandy had no clue about the loan, meaning that the Cohens are so rich that Kirsten doesn’t even have to mention to her husband that she’s giving away a hundred grand. Cut from Julie and Jimmy fighting about the money to Kirsten and Sandy fighting about the money. Sandy can’t believe Kirsten would give away more money than he makes in a year, and more importantly, that he wouldn’t tell her about it. He gets paranoid that something’s going on with her and Jimmy, but Kirsten says it’s not like that. When Jimmy walks over the Cohens to try to explain, Sandy is not having it and tells him to butt out.

Sweeney: BACK THE FUCK OFF AND LET MY FAVORITE TV PARENTS SORT THEIR SHIT, OK JIMMY? Sorry, watching them fight stresses me out almost as much as watching my own parents fight.

Diva: Seth orders two Mountain Dews triumphantly, in absolute Summer-induced heaven. The boys are hopeful that the night could actually turn out well, but I have watched enough Joss Whedon and read enough George R.R. Martin to know that they are horribly, horribly wrong. While Jimmy tries to apologize to Sandy outside, Dawn drunkenly crashes into a waiter and falls down on the floor laughing. She’s breaking dishes and slurring her words and giggling, then getting angry and screaming at everyone to help her up. Two bros start to make fun of her, and Marissa snaps “heyshutup” at them like it’s all one word, with no emotion whatsoever. Mischa Barton’s “acting” is truly excruciating to watch. Sandy and Ryan help walk Dawn outside, and she apologizes to her son for ruining everything.

Lor: Luke helps a little too and I almost want to forgive him for spending the last two episode punching Ryan’s face.

Diva: Kirsten tells the Gossip WASPs and their equally bitchy families that everything is fine, and Dawn is with them, and the party resumes with even more gossiping than before. Everyone in this town is such a fucking yenta. (More Yiddish! But Sandy probably knows that one means “gossip.”)

Cohen Pool House of Parental Dysfunction. Ryan watches his mom sleep (but not in a creepy way, in an “I need to make sure she doesn’t choke on her own vomit and die” kind of way). A few hours later, Dawn is packing up her things while Ryan sleeps. Just as she’s sneaking out of the pool house, Kirsten comes in and catches her. She insists that Dawn can’t run out on her kid, and Dawn says she can’t even take care of herself, let alone Ryan. Walking away would be the best thing for him (or more like running away while he’s sleeping and not saying goodbye or telling him shit about what’s going to happen to him), and she tells Kirsten to take care of Ryan. She’s not wrong about her inability to care for another human being, but it’s a wee bit presumptuous to assume that this wealthy stranger wants to adopt your teenage delinquent son, even if he does like architecture. (L: A+) Dawn gets in a cab, driving off to the soundtrack of sad indie music, a very common theme on this show. Mostly because cars look great pulling out in front of that hilly driveway of that magnificent McMansion.

Seth and Sandy are making breakfast when Kirsten and Ryan enter. She tells them Ryan is going to stay with them from now on. Ryan is so happy he’s almost in tears and can barely speak, but tells Kirsten and Sandy with a smile that he’ll unpack later. My heart melts. (L: He looks more 16 than he ever has in that moment. Just checked– Ben was 25ish here.) When the kids exit, Sandy asks Kirsten if she’s sure about this. She says she loves him, and he reassures her that their relationship is just fine. That’s good, Kirsten says, because we are so not prepared for whatever the fuck is about to happen with our family. In my imagination, Sandy’s responsive eyebrows reassure Kirsten, and the rest of the known universe, that everything will be all right.

 

Next time: It’s Cotillion Ball with is just a fancy “another effin’ dance!” OUR FAVORITE. Tune in for The OC S01 E04 – The Debut.