The OC S01 E06 – Hello, Mrs. Robinson

Previously: Luke got shot and Marissa and Ryan frolicked in a pool.
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The Girlfriend

Jessica: After the previouslies, we start off with a shot of the Cohen car filled with food. Sandy “Eyebrows” Cohen makes a crack about feeding Kirsten’s dad to get his love, and while that probably won’t work on Mr. Evil Corporate man, that would definitely work on me. Just sayin’. (S: Cosign.)(L: And another +1 makes it a party.)

   

Kirsten’s dad (Caleb) enters and cheerfully calls himself the devil so we don’t have to. Outside, Seth and Ryan talk about Caleb, and how he’s Mr. Big Money. Seth points out that he, like Ryan, came from humble beginnings and they’d probably hit it off.

“I burned down one of his homes.“

Seth tries to reassure Ryan that Caleb probably didn’t even notice and will be totally cool about it. Ryan and I give him “really?” eyebrows. Caleb joins them, simultaneously giving Seth a loving, welcoming hug and a disparaging comment about Seth not being athletic. Seth’s awkward “Thank you” is hilarious and sad at the same time.

Caleb turns and recalls Ryan as “the kid that burned down my house.” Womp. Nice try, Seth.

As Ryan takes some charcoal out back to the grill, “You’re so damn hot” by OK Go starts playing and a woman in a bikini exits the pool in sexy slow motion. (S: Maybe we should skip this recapping thing and all just sit around listening to OC Mixes all day every day.) (L: We already watch movies alone-together. Music mixes are the next logical step.) Ryan stops in his tracks and, with giant eyes and mouth partway open, walks forward as though in a trance, or in the way I would if I stumbled upon Timothy Olyphant in real life. (S: Excellent choice.) This is Caleb’s new girlfriend.

Seth walks up beside Ryan with a similar look on his face and says, “Oh god, that could be my grandma.” She just smiles and towels off in front of them in a way that makes me uncomfortable and lets us know what we’re in for this episode.

CALIFORNIA, HERE WE COME!!!

Back at the pool, Ryan and Seth sit in the hot tub, openly ogling Grandma Boobs as she floats around the pool. (L: You know that water is just hiding awkward boners.) She asks if she can join them in the hot tub and they hesitate approximately .05 seconds before saying yes. She boobs her way in and sits right between them. Even though she’s only been on screen a few minutes total, she’s lifted her arms to adjust her hair about ten times already and is sitting very awkwardly with her elbows up on the edge of the hot tub.

Lor: She also has a crap ton of make-up on, not even considering she was just, you know, swimming around UNDER WATER.

Jessica: I wrote a long rant about this and then deleted it. I’m glad I’m not the only one who noticed!

The main redeeming factor of this conversation is that sets Seth up for a pretty good Luke burn.

GB: She’s known that guy since he’s been eating paste!

Seth: I think he still does.

Marissa’s Bedroom of Brooding. Luke flaunts his bandage from last episode’s gunshot wound for sympathy and another chance with Marissa. She’s doubtful but he maintains he wants to revoke his membership to the Douchebag Jocks Club.

Sweeney: “See, I’ve got a gunshot wound! This makes me a bad boy like Ryan, right?”

Jessica: Robbing the Cradle Cohen Residence. Kirsten tries to say Grandma Boobs seems … but chokes on her words as Caleb drops that she’s 24. Sandy is loving this. Caleb rags on Ryan, and Sandy Cohen earns his eyebrows with an outraged expression. Kirsten also comes to Ryan’s defense and Caleb uses it as an excuse to “scale back (her) responsibilities” at work. As Kirsten looks appropriately deflated, Caleb abruptly about-faces from Terrible Father to Gossip Girl and asks about Jimmy Cooper’s misfortune with noticeable glee.

Segue to Jimmy looking concerned and typing away at his computer, even though there’s just an image of a graph onscreen. Julie Cooper arrives to guilt trip him and drop the bomb that she wants a divorce. Jimmy goes back to frowning at his you’re-poor-now graph of declining wealth. (S: A+)

Ryan shows up at Marissa’s to ask her to the party, but Luke is there. He shakes Ryan’s hand, thanks him for taking him to the hospital and for basically getting him and Marissa back together in the same breath. Ryan chickens out on the invitation and they awkwardly say goodbye.

Lor: Mischa Barton was wearing a white shirt and no bra in that scene. Her boobs were looking at me. (J: There really was an inordinate amount of boob in this episode)

Jessica: Ryan’s Restaurant. Grandma Boobs ditched Seth and Caleb’s sailing trip to come in and order a cocktail.

Ryan: “I can’t serve you.”

GB: “Right. You’re not legal.”

The writers mic-drop their Mrs. Robinson sledgehammer and the O.C. is now officially the Rosewood of the west coast.

Sweeney: Gender flipped! I can’t say it’s even remotely comforting that we’ve now got some equal opportunity smarm.

Jessica: Cohen Household of Actual Parenting. Kirsten is upset by her father’s demoting her and Sandy tries to cheer her up by urging her to quit. He’s happy to cut Caleb off and leave him behind, but doesn’t see that it’s more complicated than that because Caleb is her dad and all she wants is him to be proud of her. We learn that they changed the date of their wedding three times to accommodate Caleb’s schedule and he still didn’t make it. I know that normally the negligent parenting feels go to children around here but, Kirsten, you go stand beside the Buffy cast, the Goosebumps kids and everyone else who’s suffered, because you’ve earned it!

Ryan and Grandma Boobs are still flirting at the restaurant when Marissa shows up. She tells Ryan that Luke wants to get back together and she told him she’d think about it. Obviously, this answer doesn’t thrill Ryan. She asks him what she should do. Isn’t this something you should talk to your best friend about? (S: Yes except that Marissa and Summer absolutely fail at being best friends.) Ryan calls her out on this very fact and, as Slow Music of Sadness plays slowly in the background, he tells her to get back to him when she’s made a decision. Ryan- this is where you plead your passionate love for her! But this doesn’t happen because he is also a Broody McBrooderson and too cool for outward displays of affection.

Not Commercial Break. Marissa is finally talking to her bff Summer about the situation. Summer tells her that Ryan comes from a place with “knife fights, drag racing and sex on the hood of a car.” Marissa’s pretty sure that’s The Fast and the Furious, but Summer doesn’t care. Marissa is the one who gets to choose, not Ryan or Luke, and yes to all of that! But Marissa just sighs because choosing is hard and why can’t one of the guys do it for her? (L: BIG SIGH, consent.)

Ryan and Seth happen to be walking by and Seth gets adorably excited over the girls’ food choice.

Seth: “It’s fate. It’s destiny. We both love burritos!”

I’m pretty sure I’ve used this logic before. Totally legit.

They approach and Summer acts as a good wing-woman and gets Seth out of the way so Ryan and Marissa can talk. Ryan takes a second chance at asking Marissa to Caleb’s party but Luke already asked her this morning. Her response here annoys me so much because Summer just told her to make her own decision, but she’s still using Luke’s invitation as an excuse to choose-while-not-choosing. (S: YUP. “He invited me, which obviously decides things for me. Duh.”) Ryan tries to brush off his disappointment. He and Marissa make broody-sad-face eyes at each other until he leaves.

Seth is adorable at the salsa bar, critiquing Summer’s choices including “holy jalapeño, someone came to play!” Summer gets jalapeño juice on her finger and can’t find any napkins, so she asks Seth to lick it off. What? IDK. (L: She claims it will mess her nails. YEAH RIGHT, SUMMER. NO ONE BELIEVES THAT.) Seth gives the same face I just did at the screen, but a hot girl is asking him to lick her finger so he complies. Summer redeems some awesome points by asking Seth whether he’s going to ask her to the party. He does.

Cohen House of Bitter Birthday Bashes. Kirsten’s picking out her outfit for the party and Sandy continues pushing her to quit her job. Back story- they moved to the O.C. when her mom got sick, never planning to stay. Sandy wants to pack it all in and says they can go anywhere, do anything. Careful Sandy, this isn’t a Whedon show, but still, be careful with your happy plan-making!

Kirsten saves them from apocalypse/mystical pregnancy/Reaver raids by saying they can’t. He urges her to think about it.

Marissa’s Room of Teenage Angst. Summer asks if her outfit is “too slutty to wear to an old guy’s birthday party.” In this case, I’d suggest she wear a floor-length dress and long sleeves. Summer also reveals that the reason she wanted Seth to ask her to the party was so he can introduce her to all the hot, 20-something rich people there.

Awkward Dinner Table of Awkwardness with the Cohens, Ryan, Caleb and Grandma Boobs. Caleb ruins an adorable exchange between Seth and Kirsten over her cooking skills by making a creep-tastic comment about Seth not being very good at “skirt-chasing.” Ryan winces for all of us. Seth informs him that he actually has a date to the birthday party. Sandy congratulates him by saying, “Summer? Summer’s hot.” NO SANDY! YOU CANNOT JOIN THE PEDO RANKS!

  Fortunately, we all know he’s joking, except for Grandma Boobs, who chuckles in the background because SHE WOULD. Then she makes flirty eyes at Ryan and asks about his date. Sad Ryan sads that he’s going solo and she sips her wine and stares at him. Seth gives them both some serious side-eye.

Caleb doesn’t notice as he’s pouring wine and frowning as only a little trickles out. I’m no fan of Caleb, but I feel that’s definitely me in IRL drama situations.

Other people: OMG! *react to something someone said*

Me: OMG! … We’re out of wine.

Lor: It’s a tough call here. Usually, I’d pay more attention to the wine, but the eye-sexing-of-underaged-males happening at the table should be pretty distracting. (J: True. Now that I think about it, we hardly ever see Caleb and his girlfriend interact on the screen, even in this instance when they’re in the same room.)

Jessica: In the kitchen, Sandy gets on my and Kirsten’s nerves as he pushes for her to once again quit her job. I know he wants what’s best for her, but seriously. Caleb enters looking for more wine, and Sandy pushes the issue, despite dagger-glaring from his wife. Sandy handles it terribly, Kirsten looks torn between the two of them and then Caleb makes me LOL by chalking it up to Sandy “smoking the weed.”

    Then he grouses at Kirsten that she never tells him how she feels and that he’ll accept her resignation in the morning. Her devastated face kills me.

Sweeney: Because the Cohen parents are the actual best characters on this show, no matter how much the show tries to pretend it’s about teenagers or whatever.

Jessica: As the argument gets louder, Ryan, Seth and Grandma Boobs take refuge in the pool house. GB tries to pretend she’s into video games and Seth leaves for some reason. We all know what’s coming. Ryan asks her if the grown-ups always fight like that and she answers while crawling over the bed towards him, and the camera is all CLEAVAGE! in case we didn’t get it. But, sadly, we did.

GB says Caleb runs every aspect of his life like a business. She also knows Caleb will only ever truly love his wife, who is dead, and all he wants is to keep from being bored. Like her, like Ryan. The music does its best to seduce us as she slides her hand up his leg and this is legitimately creeping me out. Ryan looks more surprised than creeped out but, teenaged boy. So.

She kisses him and he kisses her back and it’s a close-up and EW. No. Stop now. Fortunately, Caleb calls from off screen that they’re leaving.

“Back to the office,” she says, walking away. NO. I don’t like this metaphor. Ryan nurses what is surely an awkward boner as the screen fades to a not-commercial break.

Lor: I was holding my breath because I expected them to get caught. Because, you know, TV. Also, I don’t feel bad for you, Grandma Boobs. 

Jessica: Next morning, Seth connects the dots on Grandma Boobs’ obvious attraction to Ryan, which he uncomfortably tries to brush off, before relenting and saying they hooked up. Seth freaks out.

  

Ryan shrugs like it’s no big deal and says it was “weird but good.” To be honest, I thought he was punking Seth here (which is something Ryan would totally do) because my brain went to ‘hooking up’ = sex, so obviously it’s been a while since I’ve been around tame, non-HBO/Showtime, high school lingo.

Lor: OMG, me too! It’s pretty real to high school, though, which is when “hooking up” could possibly mean something other than sex. Does this mean we’re old?

Sweeney: +1 to all of this. For a show that’s usually so outlandish, I love that they actually spoke like high schoolers here! (And yes, we’re now old.)

Jessica: (Cheers, fellow old people!)

Ryan says Caleb can’t know and Seth wholeheartedly agrees. Ryan looks nervous.

Party time. Kirsten walks around nervously making sure everything is perfect. Sandy apologizes for “jumping the gun” the other night but this is neither the time nor the place as the doorbell rings and it’s Caleb and Grandma Boobs. They pretend to make nice and as Sandy and GB walk away, Kirsten tries to bring up the other night but Caleb brushes her off. She’s getting really good at that devastated face.

Grandma Boobs stalker-walks through the party and right over to Ryan. She is about as subtle as this episode is about its Mrs. Robinson vibe. He looks appropriately frightened and then awkward as she sucks on her maraschino cherry instead of replying to his compliment.

Summer, Julie Cooper, Marissa and Luke walk in. Seth greets them and compliments Summer. Luke, still playing nice, shakes Seth’s hand and compliments his house. Seth looks appropriately confused/weirded out.

Ryan walks by in time to see Luke gently brush hair off of Marissa’s face and broodily heads back outside, while Summer very obviously gushes over some rich guy’s private equity management skills.

Kirsten’s getting her brooding groove on away from the party. Sandy says he wishes he could say he was sorry but he’s not.

Kirsten: “Ok, worst apology ever.”

Seriously.

He goes on to say at least it’s out there and she spoke her mind. Kirsten corrects him that no, actually he did all the speaking and if he’s unhappy with their situation then they have bigger problems. Oof.

Sweeney: ARE MY TV PARENTS FIGHTING AGAIN? STOP IT.

Jessica: Julie Cooper is socialite-ing it up when Jimmy appears. She excuses herself and makes it look like she’s going to quietly take care of the problem, but Julie Cooper doesn’t do quiet and discreet. She yell-asks him what the hell he’s doing there. Jimmy’s genius idea is to ask Caleb for a job. Julie tells him that ridiculous plan is ridiculous. Jimmy insists that they’re buds, but from all we’ve seen about how Caleb treats his very own daughter, we can imagine this situation going very poorly for Jimmy.

Lor: Because, “he once taught me how to sail” is not on the same level as, “he’ll hire me even though I’m a criminal.”

Jessica: Summer and Marissa get their girl chat on in the bathroom. After gushing about all the rich men around, Summer points out that Marissa chose Luke. She maintains that she liked Luke better all along and doesn’t know why he and Marissa haven’t slept together yet. Marissa gazes thoughtfully into the mirror.

Ryan’s sitting in the dark in the pool house broodily listening to an iPod, because he doesn’t know that when you’re being stalked by Mrs. Robinson there is strength in numbers. The door opens and speak of the devil. She pushes him down on the bed and straddles him. They start making out. Sexy music swells.

Then, having just psyched herself up in the bathroom mirror to go and choose Ryan, Marissa walks in on them. Whoops! Ryan, you knew this would be a bad idea.

Lor: And mostly because this is a pool house and there is an entire party RIGHT BY THE POOL. And also you didn’t lock the door. AND ALSO THOSE CURTAINS ON THE DOOR ARE SEE-THROUGH.

Sweeney: ALL THE GLASS. PEOPLE IN GLASS POOL HOUSES SHOULDN’T ENGAGE IN ILLICIT BEHAVIOR OF ANY KIND.

Jessica: She apologizes, backs out and runs over to grab Luke. She kisses him and tells him that they should go. He can’t agree fast enough. Ryan runs after her but arrives just in time to see her jet off in Luke’s car toward his house, which is currently sans parents.

Jimmy and Julie meet up. Caleb didn’t give him the job.

Julie: Well I hate to say I told you so.

Jimmy: No you don’t.

And no, she doesn’t. She struts off to show him how it’s done. She walks up to Caleb and brings up her now-I’m-poor sob story, including the very significant soon-to-be-ex part of her married status. She tears up at the thought of having to get a job. Caleb offers her support and she kisses him on the cheek and walks away with a dinner invitation. Julie Cooper is the O.C.’s master of manipulation (and why I had trouble trusting her “heart of gold” in Firefly). (S: SAME!)

Outside, Seth calls Summer out for using him to meet other people. Seth shows that he’s better than all those other rich guys who only want to stare at her boobs because he knows her, and rattles off some random Summer facts, like how she used to feed her lunch to a skinny squirrel and how she got nervous reading a poem aloud in sixth grade. She’s impressed with his memory (and, granted, it’s much sweeter that she learns this from him telling her directly, not from reading it in his journal or across the bow of his boat). She kisses him … and then runs off to introduce herself to a nearby banker. Seth still calls this a win, however, and “the greatest party ever.”

      Sandy confronts Caleb and tells him that Kirsten is the best and not to punish her for being so. Caleb responds that he needs to find a corkscrew for more wine, and Sandy gives his disappointed-in-your-fathering-skills look. But then Caleb goes up to Kirsten, they share some feels about missing his wife/her mom, and the fact that neither of them knows where her sister is. She says she just wants him to be proud of her and he implies her job is safe. (“Don’t be late Monday.”)

Ryan is brooding on the staircase now, because the pool house didn’t work out so great for him last time. Nevertheless, Grandma Boobs comes up to him because she just can’t help herself. GB points out that he must be in love if he looks so miserable over Marissa’s running off. She says he’s lucky. He doesn’t reply, but does his brood contain just a hint of eye roll?

Lor: IT DOES. It’s really great too because you just know he’s thing, “REALLY RIGHT NOW? I’m the Brood King and even I’m rolling my eyes at that…”

Jessica: She ruffles his hair, feels up his arm but he’s not having it so she rolls her own eyes and walks off.

We cut to different sexytimes music and closeups of Luke and Marissa making out in nothin’ but underwear. Luke says he loves her and she just kisses him back, which is TV for I-don’t-but-let’s-do-this-anyway. Luke asks if she’s sure and she says yes. He dashes off to grab a condom and we close up on her still-brooding tortured sadface. Does this girl ever have any other facial expressions? (L: No.)

Later, Ryan watches as Luke’s car pulls up. Marissa refuses his offer to walk her in. He says ‘I love you’ again and she pauses significantly before responding that she loves him too and gets out of the car.

Luke drives off and Ryan walks up all dramatically, but Marissa sighs and tells him, “You’re too late.” We end with a closeup of sad Ryan face.

So this was an episode. There was quite a lot of cleavage used on teenaged boys, some legitimate childhood trauma in the adult world and plenty of brooding from our two best brooders. Thankfully, the little bits of Seth and Summer helped and we learned that if you both like burritos, you must be meant for each other. That’s what I’m taking away from this, anyway.

 

Next time: Marissa passes out in an alley in Tijuana in The OC S01 E07 – The Escape.