Dawson’s Creek S01 E06 – Longest. Day. Ever.

Previously: There was a hurricane and the shit hit the fan all over town. YAY.
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Baby

Kirsti: We open in Dawson’s Shrine o’ Spielberg. A black and white movie comes to an end on the TV, and Joey’s all “Cool, BYE.” She claims it’s because her sister’s baby is due like NOW and she needs to help out. Dawson whines that they never watch just one movie on movie night, and she replies that there’s a first time for everything. Like, for instance, Third Wheel Jen being there. Poor Jen – the actual girlfriend – looks hella awkward and is perched on a chair next to the bed, further proving that Dawson Leery is a douchebag. DUDE. Make some room on the bed for her.

Democracy Diva: I am so glad the seating arrangements bothered you as much as they bothered me. If any two people are sharing the bed, shouldn’t it be the people actually dating? 

K: YOU WOULD THINK.

Anyway, Jen says that she’s going to bail on account of the Third Wheel-ness of it all. Also, if Grams sees Joey leave, the shit will hit the fan some more. Dawson slowly works through the options, which have a “neither can live while the other survives” vibe, and both the girls bail. He sulks about his ruined movie night. Uh, maybe don’t perch your girlfriend on a chair next to the bed while you lounge on said bed with your best friend-who-is-a-girl?

I DON’T WANNA WAIT.

After the credits, we’re at Joey’s. Bessie mopes about her never-ending pregnancy and Joey sasses at her. Bodie plays mediator, saying that once the baby’s born, Bessie will be back to her old self. It’s possible he’s not spent any time around new and sleep deprived mothers…

Diva: Also, Bessie half-joking tells Joey she can move out if she wants, since she’s considered an adult in most states. Isn’t Joey fifteen? I’m pretty sure that’s not an adult anywhere except Westeros. And Joey, don’t move to Westeros.

K: I think they’ve all magically turned 16 now? But still. Don’t move to Westeros.

Chez Grams. She tidies up Jen’s room, complete with judging Jen’s underwear, and then sees an arty calendar of a naked dude’s butt on the wall and is disgusted. I, meanwhile, notice that it’s October in Massachusetts but everyone’s still wearing shorts and t-shirts and sundresses. Okay, show. Whatever.

Anyway, Grams tells Jen that there’ll be no ogling of naked men in her house, and Jen’s all “Right, except for Jesus,” which made me snort laugh more than it should have. Grams is appalled because apparently Mini!Jen loved going to church. Teenage!Jen informs her grandmother that she’s now an atheist because “she grew up.” And became pretentious enough to refer to herself in the third person.

Capeside High. Pacey tells Tamara that they should go out that weekend, because apparently he doesn’t understand the illegal part of their relationship. He pooh poohs this, saying that they can “go down to Providence” where no one knows them, and go to dinner and a movie. Your relationship is illegal in Rhode Island too, Pacey. I checked. (D: A+) He asks her to go out with him and she smirks.

Cut to the bathroom where Dawson is struggling to believe that Tamara would agree to be seen in public with Pacey. I’m more disbelieving of the fact that Pacey tells his best friend about his romantic plans while taking a piss, and the fact that he tells Dawson everything and THEN checks the stalls for possible eavesdroppers. (D: CHECK YOSELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YOSELF, PACEY.) He also says that once he has his learner’s permit, she’ll definitely cave about the being seen in public thing. Ahaha. Ahahahahaha. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. Dude, no. The bell rings and they head out. The camera pans under a stall door to show us an eavesdropping smoker. Womp womp.

Between classes, Dawson informs Jen that his dysfunctional parents are going to couples therapy and that he therefore has the “Leery Manor” to himself all weekend. I’m officially calling the house Leery Manor now. Because it sounds like a manor where you get leered at, and that amuses me. (D: It’s funny ’cause it’s true. If you are a lady or a Spielberg, Dawson will be leering at you.) (K: TRUTH.) She’s all “Cool story bro, but there’s a rumour going around that Pacey’s boffing a teacher.” Dawson gets “oh shit” face and says that they have to find Pacey. They rush back into the school. Joey rushes up all excited about the rumour and the three of them watch as some random girl informs Pacey that everyone knows. He stares at Dawson in horror.

Cut to a random school storage room. Pacey’s busy “MY LIFE IS OVER”-ing while Dawson tries to convince him that it’s not that bad. Pacey disagrees, saying that his only hope is that the rumour doesn’t reach Tamara. Also, “If you would just allow me a moment here for me to symbolically drop my chin into my chest, and let me feel really really sorry for myself, it would be much appreciated.” Dawson points out that moping is the worst possible plan because then everyone will know it’s true. If he walks through the halls all “Yeah, that’s right. Who’s banging a teacher? THIS GUY”, everyone will assume it’s a lie. Oh, high school. You’re a fucked up and confusing place. Pacey faux-confidently walks through the halls, everyone pointing and laughing and getting out of his way. He rounds a corner and slumps against the wall. Fade to black.

Diva: Poor Pacey. At least Dawson got to give someone good advice for once, though. If Pacey acted like he thought it was a joke, that could have worked. But his forced smile just said “EVERYTHING IS TERRIFYING.”

K: It really did.

After the Not Commercial Break, everything gets grosser. They’re about to start studying Romeo and Juliet in English, which Tamara refers to as “the most notable exploration of the forbidden fruit theme we will explore this year.” “Not any more!” snorts a jock from the back row. Pacey gets to class late, and said jock asks him if Tamara’s boobs are real. There is much high fiving between the jocks and Tamara looking confused because apparently despite this news being spread across the entire student body, not a single member of staff has heard it yet. Okay, show. Whatever.

After school, Pacey mopes by the waterfront. Joey walks up to him with a “Hey, jailbait” that I find oddly adorable. She goes on to say that she doesn’t care if it’s true or not, but she understands what he’s going through – the people staring and pointing and talking about him behind his back – because she’s done something even worse. He scoffs, and she reveals that the something worse is living with her pregnant unmarried sister while also having a dad who’s in jail on drug charges. Seriously? That trumps illegal relationship with a teacher? Remind me never to go to Capeside. (D: Or, in my experience, most small towns in America.) He asks what he should do, and she replies “Same thing I did – you pray like hell for a better story to come along.”

Elsewhere, Dawson and Jen are walking home as Jen complains about how Grams’ approach to her opinions is to just ignore them, which leads to her being pissy and rude, giving Grams even more of a reason to ignore her opinions. Oh, girl. I’ve been there. Luckily, I missed out on Jen’s fashion sense, which is AWFUL:

Diva: The fact that Jen manages to be gorgeous despite her terrible 90s wardrobe is a testament to Michelle Williams’s beauty. It’s working hard to overcome that outfit. 

K: TRUE.

Cut to a dodgy looking dirt road. Bessie’s managed to bog the truck. (D: I will never get my car stuck in the mud again; I will simply BOG IT. I am obsessed with this phrase.) Joey walks up the dodgy road (which may or may not be their driveway?) and asks where Bessie’s going. She says that she was going to the clinic on account of she’s in labour. And now that the truck is bogged, she needs to call an ambulance. But their phone’s been cut off so could Joey please take her to Dawson’s, aka the nearest phone. Joey points out that Dawson’s house isn’t very convenient to get to, then realises that Bessie wants Joey to row her there. This is the face she makes:

Then we get a hilariously awful cut scene of Joey rowing the two of them across the water and it’s really really obvious that Katie Holmes has no idea what she’s doing. There are oars flying everywhere, and the baby will be about five before they get to where they’re going. Apparently Bessie agrees with me, because she takes over and they miraculously go way faster. There’s also a moment of jenniferlawrencedisgustedface.gif in which Joey freaks that the boat is leaking and Bessie says that it’s not the boat. Ew.

Joey bursts into Dawson’s room and informs him of the imminent baby. He immediately calls 911, because no one wants a baby to be born on their front lawn. 911 informs him that an ambulance will be dispatched but it’s currently in a town an hour away courtesy of a big traffic accident. Because apparently Capeside and surrounds only have one ambulance. So basically, don’t retire to or have a medical condition in Capeside, y’all. BECAUSE YOU’LL DIE.

Diva: This town is approaching Sunnydale levels of majorly fucked.

K: Bessie agrees with us: “Listen, you sorry ass civil servant. This is the mother-to-be talking. Maybe I’m not in the tax bracket that guarantees a prompt response to medical distress, but I have a shoe full of amniotic fluid, my pelvis is beating like a rumba band, and I’m in real danger of having my first born child delivered by two high school students. So why don’t you stop making excuses, get off your oversized backside and get us an ambulance before my foetus enters college!” BEST. (D: Most I’ve ever liked Bessie, by far.) In other relevant news, she asks where Bodie is. Joey says awkwardly that she called the Icehouse and he’s already caught a bus to the nearby town where he’s just taken a job at a fancy French restaurant. Womp womp.

Tamara’s House of Sex Crimes. (D: Now and forever, it shall be known thusly.) Pacey’s waiting outside when she gets home, because that’s not at all a dead giveaway. She’s super pissed because apparently word has finally reached the teaching staff, and he tells her that he only told Dawson and he had no idea that Secret Smoker was in the bathroom. That doesn’t make things better, because the one condition of their (gross pedo-tastic) relationship was that he not tell ANYONE about it. He says that she needs to hear his side of the story, but she LOL NOPES him because the teaching staff knowing means that it’s only a matter of time before the administration and the authorities finds out. She dumps him and storms inside. Pacey sniffles and we fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Bessie’s into the screaming part of television childbirth. Joey pulls Dawson aside to point out that they haven’t finished high school biology yet and therefore know nothing about delivering babies. I wasn’t aware that delivering babies was an integral part of high school biology, but whatever. Eventually, she remembers that there’s someone nearby who knows a little more than they do. Cut to Chez Grams. Jen finds a Bible in her desk and gets super-pissed because ATHEIST. Girl. I’m an atheist and it’s really not that hard to deal with your grandparents and their religious beliefs. Just nod and smile and leave the Bible where it is.

Lucky for Jen, her rant is interrupted by Joey knocking on the door. Joey word-vomits at Grams that she knows her family is trash but could Grams and her forty years of nursing experience please come and help with the baby delivering. It’s basically a thinly veiled “I hate you”, and while I kind of get it I also want to punch Joey in the face because that is NOT how you ask people to help you.

Elsewhere in town, Doug pulls up next to Pacey in his cop car. He’s heard about the rumour, and while the sex part made him go “LOL, never gonna be Pacey”, the rumour that the whole thing was made up sounded alarm bells. He demands to know why Pacey would make up a story like that about such a sweet wonderful person as Tamara, and I had honestly forgotten about how much I hated like every single character of this show in season 1. (D: EVERYONE BUT JEN IS THE WORST. And sometimes Pacey.) Pacey wants to know if Doug ever considered defending him, and Doug’s all “LOL NOPE” before mentioning that the school board knows and are deciding whether or not to press charges against Tamara. Pacey looks nervous.

Leery Manor. Dawson is trying to persuade Bessie to let him video the birth. DUDE, NO. (D: Back the fuck up, child. This is not your party.) (K: Silly Diva. EVERYTHING is Dawson’s party.) Foolishly, she buys into his “this way Bodie can still see it!” story, without stopping to think about the fact that it means letting a 15 year old amateur film maker see her giving birth. Joey comes back with Grams and Jen in tow as Dawson starts filming. Bessie’s pissed about Grams being there, but Grams takes charge and moves her and her amniotic fluid from the sofa to a chair. I’d recommend that the Leerys just burn all their living room furniture and start over…

Capeside Town Hall. Pacey heads inside and tries to talk to Tamara, but finds himself repeatedly lawyered and told to communicate with the lawyer rather than with Tamara directly.

He tells the lawyer to tell Tamara that he’s sorry. He walks away and she sad pandas at his back. Baby Birthing Central. Bessie’s apparently giving birth in an armchair, and JOEY IS NOW SITTING ON THE SOFA EXACTLY WHERE HER SISTER SPENT LIKE AN HOUR IN LABOUR AND EW. Dawson’s still filming because double ew. Grams announces that Bessie’s fully dilated and that it’s time to push. Dawson zooms in on Joey’s freaked out face, then goes and sits next to her. He tells her that Bessie’s going to be fine, but she doesn’t seem convinced.

Diva: Please note that Dawson would not put down the camera in order to get towels and other things to help the person about to give birth right in front of him, but he did put it down to go talk to Joey on the couch. PRIORITIES, DAWSON. GET SOME.

K: NEVER.

Town Hall. The insta-school board meeting demands that Tamara tell them the truth. Just as she’s about to speak, Pacey bursts into the meeting. The school board – hilariously, all their name plates say “BOARD MEMBER” or “SUPERINTENDENT” only – glare at him, but he demands that they hear him out. He says that he made the whole thing up, and that the only way Tamara would look at him as anything more than a student would be if he were 15 years older, better looking, and more sophisticated. So…basically, Present Day Joshua Jackson, yes??

Diva: SO FUCKING DELICIOUS.

K: Tamara makes grateful moony eyes at him because she’s a moron.

Baby Birthing Central. Bessie screams some more, Joey freaks out some more, and Jen freaks Bessie out when she’s all “Uh, Grams? There’s a shit ton of blood down there…” Grams gives her “SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH” eyes before reassuring Bessie that Jen just doesn’t know what’s normal in childbirth. Dawson backs her up by saying he wouldn’t be filming if everything weren’t normal. Grams tells him to GTFO, complete with a slap to the camera and it is magical. (D: Most I’ve ever liked Grams!) Jen demands the truth from Grams, who says that there’s more blood than she’d like but no evidence of major complications. She needs Jen to shelve her attitude and help. Fade to black.

After the Not Commercial Break, Grams orders Bessie to push. Bessie asks for some painkillers, but unsurprisingly the things they have to hand won’t do much. Grams says that she has one thing that might help – reciting the Lord’s Prayer. I guess it’s better than singing? My mum apparently sang Yankee Doodle right through labour with my little brother, and he hasn’t stopped singing since… Anyway, Bessie says that she’s not into the Jesus thing, but Grams says that it’s not for her – it’s for the baby. SURE. GUILT TRIP THE WOMAN IN LABOUR WITH COMPLICATIONS. Bessie starts to repeat each line after Grams. After a while, Jen joins in too.

Diva: Once the prayer starts, everything gets quiet and slows down and the lighting gets all angelic and I laughed. It was a bit over the top.

K: No kidding.

Meanwhile, Joey is sitting outside, staring at the creek. (D: That sentence will appear in every single recap, guaranteed.) Dawson joins her in time to see her wiping away tears. He assures her that Bessie will be fine. She tells him that she’s not worried about Bessie so much as she is worried about how much Bessie reminds her of her dead mommy. And she remembers the horrible pain that her mother was in, and hearing Bessie in pain brought back dead mommy memories. Dawson points out that she used to sit by her mother’s bed when she was in pain, because her mother needed her. Bessie, he says, needs her too.

Town Hall. Doug follows Tamara out of the hearing, and tells her not to judge the whole Witter family by Pacey’s actions. Because, you know, trying to get some with the woman your younger brother “accused” of sleeping with him is totally sane. He says that Pacey’s been nothing but trouble from the moment he was born. I stop to have a lot of feels because even though Pacey’s a terrible character at this point in time, HIS FAMILY IS THE ACTUAL FUCKING WORST. Ahem. Tamara says Doug should be proud of his brother because Pacey’s a “sweet, sensitive…intelligent young man.” Doug looks confused, and Tamara follows up by effectively telling him that he’s got a snowflake’s chance in hell of ever seeing her naked.

Outside the high school, Pacey watches Tamara get into her fancy convertible and leave. Back at the Leerys, the baby is crowning. Bessie says that she’s too tired to keep pushing. Joey walks in and grabs her sister’s hand. They look at each other for a moment, then Bessie does the thing and hurrah, baby. (D: #sisterfeels #cryingalittle) Grams declares it to be a healthy baby boy. He cries, and everyone smiles at each other.

Pacey heads to Tamara’s House of Sex Crimes, because apparently he’s a glutton for punishment. She tells him that she’s grateful for what he did, and he hopes that means that the whole breaking up thing is off the table. She’s all “LOL NOPE” because she’s finally come to her senses. She tells him that she’s quit and she’s leaving town. Like, tomorrow. He’s shocked, and she says that he should have known this was inevitable. Right, because of the illegal part. Except that not – she meant that one or other of them would have met someone their own age sooner or later. Plus, she’s 36 and wants kids, and he IS a kid. Knowing that she could legally drink before he was born makes this whole thing even squickier. I didn’t know that was possible…

She tells him that they should say goodbye before she gets sad panda-y. He takes her hand and asks if a goodbye kiss is permitted. She points out that kissing is what got them into this mess in the first place, and they settle for a hug. (D: A long, intimate hug, that would have looked just as bad as a kiss to anyone who might have been watching.) He looks back at her as he walks away and she half waves after he’s turned away again. The Guitar of You Should Be Feeling Sad About This plays as she looks wistfully after him.

Chez Grams, that night. Jen walks into the kitchen where Grams is doing a crossword. They bond for a moment over their big day of placenta (did the ambulance ever actually turn up?!) before Grams asks if Jen can honestly not believe in God after all she saw. Jen says that she’s not sure, but she’s coming around on her belief in man. Cut to Joey’s. Bessie and Bodie are sitting on the sofa with the baby. Joey joins them, and both she and Bessie note that the baby has their mother’s eyes. Pacey walks along the beach and stops to stare moonily at Tamara’s house as she turns the lights out. He bids her goodbye and walks back down the beach as we fade to black.

My thoughts on this episode can be summed up very simply: HOW THE FUCK DID THAT ALL HAPPEN IN ONE DAY???

Diva: I don’t know, but I think it means we get to take a nap now that it’s over.

K: That’s the best news I’ve heard in EVER.

 

Next time: The gang get stuck in Saturday detention, but The Breakfast Club does not result, no matter how much I may want it to. Sigh. Find out what ACTUALLY happens in Dawson’s Creek S01 E07 – Detention.