Previously: Everything was so 2003 when the gang hung out at a Rooney concert. Also parking lot drug deals. NBD.
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The Links
Ashlea: I’m going to try to prevent myself from flailing all over this post. Let me just get this out of my system. THE O.C!! I’M SNARKING AN EPISODE OF THE O.C.!! SETH COHEN!! Ahem.
Lorraine: I like your method of getting it all out on the front end. Already off to a good start.
Ashlea: The episode opens at the I’m-Not-Really-A-Bachelor-Yet Pad of Jimmy Cooper, with Marissa skipping down the stairs to open the door for the smarmy douchebag, Oliver. He pulls the pity-me card and asks to come in. Of course Marissa lets him, because she’s SO troubled and tortured and her soul resonates with his or some such crap. Really it’s because she’s not the brightest bulb in the lamp. Yes, I am a card-carrying member of the I-Hate-Marissa-Cooper Club. (L: Not there yet? Keep watching this episode.) Legit. Marissa is obviously ashamed of her Dad’s modest apartment and apologizes to Oliver because it looks like what the rest of the earth can afford. Oliver says he doesn’t judge because psychos don’t really care about decor (not word-for-word, but I’m interpreting subtext here).
Oliver apologizes for the other night with the drugs and the being arrested, which Marissa says is OK. Meanwhile, I’m giggling because Oliver uses the phrase “rock bottom” with his puppy-dog face and expects me to feel sorry for him. Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, Oliver. He says he’s called his parents, gotten in touch with his sponsor and that he’s been honest with his girlfriend, Natalie, about all their issues and they are getting back together. He says he owes his second chance to Ryan as the Tinkly Music of Feels plays. Marissa asks if he wants Ryan’s number to thank him and he says instead that he would like to take her, Ryan and all their friends to his family’s place in Palm Springs, where they can meet his parents and the elusive Natalie. Meanwhile, I’m waiting for a red flashing alarm because DANGER. Of course, Marissa notices nothing out of the ordinary and says she would love to meet his obviously-made-up girlfriend. (S: To be fair, I would also love to meet obviously-made-up-significant-others, too! Your imaginary dating game is on point if you can actually introduce your imaginary love to people!) It’s amusing me to imagine the looks on people’s faces. She runs off to call Ryan and Oliver has a Fatal Attraction moment where he glares at a picture of Ryan and Marissa and hides it as the foreboding music amps up.
CALIFORNIAAAAA!! HERE WE COME!!
After I scream-sing along with the song and the credits roll, we open at the Cohen Dream Mansion where Sandy and his eyebrows are having an adorable father-son moment with Ryan while trying to teach him the basics of golf. Here I pause for a brief rant because, golf? I don’t get it. I’ve only “been golfing” once, and I promptly got tired of chasing the little ball everywhere so I ended up riding around in the golf cart and drinking beer. Which WAS fun, but I give a big NOPE to golfing in general.
Lor: I’ve never been golfing or drinking in a golf cart, but of the two, there is one my mind clearly thinks it would enjoy more. Ahem.
Sweeney: I highly suspect that giving me liquor and golf clubs is a recipe for me to defy the laws of physics in order to hospitalize myself.
Ashlea: LOL. Anyway, Sandy gets a little weird with the golf lesson and on the third “nice and easy”, Ryan glares at him and he walks away. Ryan shoots (?) (L: LOL.) the ball into the pool instead of the coffee mug he was aiming at, and SETH COHEN(!) pops out of the pool with a snorkel on and the ball in hand. Presh. Ryan gives up, saying he doesn’t golf, and Sandy gives him a pep talk about the other activities in Palm Springs. “You can spa.” “No, I don’t spa.” Some of my favorite moments in this show come from the interactions between Sandy, Ryan and Seth because their relationships are the actual best. Seth snarkily asks Ryan what he DOES do besides musicals and punching people and he and Sandy tease Ryan a bit about his luck with the ladies. Ryan makes some noises about ditching the Palm Springs trip and Seth guilts him and says without him they can’t go, seeing as how the whole thing is Oliver’s thank you to him. Sandy once again proves he deserves ALL the eyebrows of Non-Negligent Parenting as he makes sure that Oliver’s parents will, in fact, be in attendance. Ryan has another epic golf fail as he shoots the ball and breaks something that probably costs more than my car.
Cut to Sandy and Kirsten in the kitchen, discussing if Oliver is trustworthy or not. Kirsten’s hair looks fabulous and I take a minute to wonder how I can get my hair to do that. Sandy says that he absolutely does not trust Oliver but he trusts his boys (AWWWW!) and concedes that no matter what, they are just going to worry all weekend. (S: Because parenting! Look at these parenting unicorns!) Kirsten wrinkles her nose at golf (Preach) and mentions that the unholy alliance of Caleb and Julie is returning from Paris. This leads to some speculation as to what little-sister Hailey is going to do now that they’re returning, and Kirsten says that she will probably get money from Caleb and disappear like she’s always done. Hailey saunters into the kitchen and I marvel because there is no way she didn’t hear Sandy and Kirsten talking about her.
Lor: And she totally seems like the kind of person who lurks around corners to see if people are talking about her. Maybe that’s just me.
Ashlea: Right there with you. She’s definitely a professional lurker. Kirsten offers her some breakfast, but Hailey has no fucks to give (L: ABOUT BREAKFAST??) and asks when Caleb is getting back. He will apparently be back in time for dinner and Hailey eye-rolls and says that she hopes Julie Cooper won’t be with him, because she’s only with him for his money. Sandy snarks about that being SUCH an unattractive quality, with a pointed look at Hailey. I just love him, y’all.
Now we return to Jimmy Cooper’s Apartment of Middle Class Shame, where Summer(!) and Marissa are talking about how awesome Palm Springs is going to be except for the part where it’s all couples plus Summer and Luke. Marissa spouts the group-fun party line and Summer mentions that she doesn’t want to watch Seth and Anna make googly eyes at each other. Marissa is all LOL SURE that Summer just wants to be friends with Seth which, accurate.
Insanely Posh Cohen Poolhouse. Marissa walks in and kisses Ryan hello while Summer feels all third-wheely and wonders if the awkwardness is already starting. You have no idea, girl. She runs off to help Seth with packing and Marissa tells Ryan how much fun they are going to have with Oliver and Natalie. He’s all YEAH, BUT NO and Marissa convinces him to give Oliver a chance because they are both new in town and made some mistakes. Listen to your instincts, Ry.
Lor: Or, conversely, never listen to Marissa Cooper.
Sweeney: Mostly that one. Generally ill-advised to trust the biggest teen train wreck of ever. More life-saving advice from the Snark Ladies.
Ashlea: Now I want a T-shirt with “Never listen to Marissa Cooper” on it.
We cut to Seth’s room, with Seth and Anna lying on his bed and just being awesome. I love Anna, but I think she and Seth work much better as friends because Seth+Summer=4ever. Seth talks about how he has an old Jewish man inside of him that’s excited for an early bird special and some shuffleboard and once again, I sigh because he’s perfect for me. Anna mentions that she’s looking forward to some time alone with Seth in Palm Springs, and gives us some significant eyebrow work to let us know she means sexytimes. They start kissing and of course, that’s when Summer bursts in and lets them know it’s time to get this friendly road trip started. I’m sensing weirdness ahead, yo.
Driveway of the Cohen Dream Mansion. I snort-laugh at Luke and his truck full o’beer and remember that this is around the time I start liking him a teeny bit. As soon as I think this, Luke tries to hit on Summer and I’m back to Ewww. Dammit, Luke.
After the break, we’re back at the Cohen’s to see Kirsten greeting her dad, Caleb, and Julie Cooper after their squicky trip to Paris. Whether you love or hate Julie Cooper, you have to agree that Melinda Clarke is flawless and she acts the hell out of that character. Caleb immediately asks about Hailey and while Kirsten awkwards a bit about her mood, Hailey herself appears to suck up to Daddy. It’s clear that Caleb only has eyes for his baby girl, and dismisses Kirsten and Julie to make him some lunch. I fight the urge to curse at the TV. (I lost, in case you’re interested).
Welcome to Palm Springs, Bitches! Carlton’s dance song from the Fresh Prince is playing in the background, in case you’re not aware at this point that Palm Springs is a mecca for the elderly. Maybe this is where I need to live. I enjoy no noise, regularly scheduled meals, and arts and crafts. Perhaps there’s a group of lively senior ladies that I could share a cheesecake with. But I digress.
Luke and Ryan carry a portion of the alcohol into the American Psycho Vacation Home and find Marissa and Oliver all snuggly-wuggly on the couch. Can I please punch Oliver now? UGH.
Lor: I thought I got through the whole first season of this show, but none of this feels familiar. I’m thinking that the urge to punch Oliver became too much for me, and this about where I quit watching. That seems about right.
Sweeney: You made a wise choice, as you’ll soon learn, because this American Psycho plot is going to take a lot longer than it reasonably should. Mostly because Marissa Cooper’s an idiot.
Ashlea: Marissa explains that she was playing Dr. Phil to the lovelorn Oliver and Ryan is clearly not buying it. The others arrive and I’m momentarily distracted by Summer’s nautical shirt. Girl, no. Sandy calls for the upteenth time to check on his guys, and do y’all think the Cohens would adopt me if I stole a car? (L: One can only hope.) Ryan asks where Oliver’s parents are and he says their plane got delayed in Zurich. Lying liar who lies. Oliver invites everyone to get settled before they hit The Links. You get the Gold Title Star, Oliver, but very reluctantly and with much malice.
Lor: It doesn’t even look as shiny as it normally does.
Ashlea: Because Oliver will stab it if it’s too sparkly. Our star is frightened.
He takes everyone to their various rooms and obviously gives Ryan and Marissa the one with the two twin beds. As he helps Ryan push the beds together, Oliver mentions that he appreciates him being so cool about him hanging with Marissa. He says that Ryan is sure to have trust issues after everything that happened with Luke and because of his Chino past. Ryan’s all WTF, BRO? and Oliver says Marissa filled him in. Fuck you forever, Marissa. I marvel at the fact that Ryan is able to restrain himself from pushing Oliver through a window.
Cut to Sandy in his office’s parking lot, asking a colleague about that job for Jimmy. The guy is all LOL NOPE because Jimmy is a criminal and their firm can’t be associated with him. Sandy stays loyal to his friend and defends him, saying he just made a mistake. No-Second-Chances Colleague suggests that if Sandy trusts Jimmy so much, he should go into business with him. I’m sensing some foreshadowing.
Back to the Cohen Dream Mansion, where Caleb and Hailey are chatting at a patio table with an amazing view of the ocean while Julie and Kirsten are judging them from the window. They talk about how Hailey pulls the wool over Caleb’s eyes and tells him some sob story about how she’s helping the needy, when she’s spending his money on wild parties and general oat-sowing. Julie, in a rare moment of empathy, tells Kirsten she’s the only one Caleb listens to and to tell him if she’s worried about Hailey.
The Links. Marissa is attempting to golf while everyone is watching, and I’m extremely happy because Ryan is rocking some jeans on the course. The golf-snobs are probably about to go into hysterics. Oliver steps up to give her some pointers on her swing and also uses the opportunity to grope her inappropriately. If that was me, Oliver would have a golf club upside the head. Marissa giggles and Luke gives a SRSLY? look to Ryan. Ryan steps up to bat(?) club(?) something (GOLF IS HARD TO RECAP) and promptly hits his ball into the water. Oliver makes some bitchy comment about how he’ll do better next time and asks Ryan if he was picturing his face on the golf ball. Uh, YEAH.
We switch over to Anna, Seth and Summer and OMG their outfits. Why do they all keep hanging out together? It would be so awkward and I would get as far away as I could. Seth indeed resembles an old Jewish man, but it looks kind of adorable on him. Seth and Anna have a side convo about the fact that they did all say they wanted to be friends, while Summer hits her ball into the woods and asks Seth to help her find it. Diabolical. He trudges off to help her and Anna quips, “Wow. Looks like Summer’s not the only one who lost their balls.” LOL.
Back to the other group, where Ryan misses the hole on his putt and Oliver starts teasing him. Luke mentions how he could totally hurt that guy and Ryan agrees. Right there with you, boys. Oliver asides to Marissa that he thinks he’s trying too hard but all he wants is friends and Marissa assures him that Ryan does like him. Ahahahahaha. Ryan misses the hole again and Luke tells him no one is looking, so Ryan knocks the ball in. Oliver calls that a game, and says the last guy back buys the first round. Ryan and Luke look at each other like “Oh hell no” and rush to their golf cart. We are treated to some rock music and a golf-cart race scene, which amuses me cause they only go like 10mph. They end up playing a game of cart chicken and Oliver amps up the crazyface and almost hits Ryan and Luke. They run into some bushes and Oliver tries to play it all off as fun, but Ryan’s not buying it and gets a little aggressive. Points to him for holding out this long. Oliver backs off and Marissa goes to calm Ryan down, saying that Oliver was just playing. She walks off and Luke says to Ryan, “That guy was NOT playing”. DUN DUN DUN.
Lor: WHAT IS MARISSA’S PROBLEM? Dude, even LUKE knows something is up. You should be ashamed, Marissa, if Luke is out-observing you.
Ashlea: Back at the Cohen’s, Caleb intrudes on Sandy-Kirsten time and tries to mock their marraige. Go mock yourself, dude. Kirsten tells Caleb she’s not going to dinner because they both know why Hailey is there (to get $ obviously). He looks thoughtful.
Psycho Mansion. Anna is in bed waiting for Seth while he’s geeking out over his humidifier. They cutely giggle and prepare for sexytimes at which point Summer busts up the party to hang out. She shoves in between them and they settle down to watch TV. To the kitchen, where Oliver comes in to talk to Ryan. They have some passive-aggressive moments and then Oliver asks Ryan if they can start over. Ryan tells him that the next time he wants to be alone with Marissa, let him know and he’ll just stay home.
Oliver flips his shit and breaks a bowl. He starts crazy-talking and beating himself in the head. Ryan realizes he’s just poked the bear and tries to calm him down. Marissa comes in as Oliver is leaving and offers to go with him. When Oliver tells her to stay there, she turns on Ryan and blames him. Why even date the guy if you aren’t going to trust him, Marissa? She thinks Ryan’s just jealous and they end up fighting about it.
Sweeney: She just saw Oliver crazy his way out of the house and continues to question nothing because she’s the worst.
Ashlea: Lighthouse where Sandy and Jimmy are a bit tipsy and discussing Jimmy’s options. Sandy gets the bright idea to save the Lighthouse restaurant and go into business with Jimmy to run it. Reminder that plans made when drinking are not always good.
Lor: Huh. Maybe Sweeney and I need to review all the plans we made in Paris while drinking.
Sweeney: In my notebook they are written in many pen colors, meaning they look pretty on the paper, so I’m still feeling pretty good about them.
Ashlea: When you’re in Paris, plans made while drinking are not only advised, they are necessary.
Third-wheel bedroom. Anna and Seth are cuddling and making sarcastic comments while Summer sulks. Summer tells them they act just like brother and sister while Anna and Seth look horrified, effectively killing any chance of romance. Well played, Summer.
In the den, Ryan and Marissa wonder why Oliver’s been gone so long. She tells him that Oliver has depression and substance abuse issues, and Ryan looks guilty. Marissa’s phone rings and it’s Oliver, saying he drove back to Newport and took a bunch of pills. He whines about how he’s so scared and I have zero fucks to give because I know he’s full of it. Marissa and Ryan rush to his rescue, while Oliver has an impromptu dance party while waiting on (he thinks) just Marissa and setting the scene for his “overdose.” He puts all the pills he was supposed to have taken into some sort of urn and settles back to wait.
Kirsten and Sandy’s bedroom. Hailey storms in and accuses Kirsten of turning their dad against her and Kirsten tries to reason with her. Hailey gathers her bags and starts to leave. The sisters fight and Hailey departs in a cab. Poor Kirsten.
Sweeney: Indeed. Even when your little sister’s being difficult, she’s still your little sister and it sucks for things to go out like that.
Ashlea: Penthouse of the Non-Overdose. Ryan is banging on the door and Marissa is crying because they can’t get in. Oliver finally opens the door, completely fine, and says he’s embarrassed and that he’s good now. They won’t leave and Marissa babies the sociopath for a while. Oliver says no to the hospital and says he doesn’t want to bother his parents in Zurich.
Cohen Dream Mansion. Sandy stumbles in drunk and it’s delightful. Kirsten tells him that Hailey left after Caleb cut her off. Sandy tells her that he may have gone into business with Jimmy Cooper. They have an awesome couple conversation and Kirsten tells him that it means a lot to her that he’s trying to help Jimmy.
Luke takes Anna and Seth home and then has a heart-to-heart with Summer about her feelings for Seth, showing some surprising insight. You go, Luke. You’ll be a real person soon. He compliments her and they sort of have a moment until Summer bursts out laughing saying OMG EWW and I snicker. Back at the penthouse, Marissa tells Ryan she is going to stay with Oliver to make sure he doesn’t hurt himself again. Ryan doesn’t believe Oliver really tried to kill himself and they argue about it.
Oliver comes in and thanks Ryan, making him look even more jealous and possessive in front of Marissa and she tells him to go. With one last yearning look, Ryan exits the penthouse with the urn full o’pills framed in the shot with him.
THE END. It was such an honor and so much fun to be a guest Snark Lady for the O.C.! Thanks y’all!
Next time: Oliver transfers and Ryan keeps trying to expose him as the creep he is on The OC S01 E17 – The Rivals
I am a thirty-ish sometimes blogger and reviewer of books while living a life of leisure (fancy speak for unemployed) and stressing out over changing my whole life. I flail over Harry Potter, Buffy and all fiction (especially YA). Reluctant socially but sassy in text form, the Internet gets me.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
