Previously: Ryan realizes Theresa’s keeping a secret and Summer keeps her relationship with Seth a secret so he goes the total douche route of confessing his relationship woes to his still-in-love-with-him ex-girlfriend.
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The Goodbye Girl
Tom: Hello! I’m Tom, your resident Canadian (one of anyway) and I will be recapping the OC for you! I was so honoured to be asked, and so excited to be a part of this. I started watching the OC in university, with my roommates. We all kind of laughed at it, thinking it was a silly show, and slowly it ended up being a nice bonding moment and appointment viewing for a couple years. That and reruns of Sex and the City. I MEAN MONSTER TRUCK RALLIES AND SPORTS NOT SEX AND THE CITY. Whatevs, men can watch Sex and the City. Deal with it, Society.
After lots of previously ons, we open on the Cohen kitchen, when it’s breakfast. I’ve never understood these people that seem to get all this done in the morning. People come over, they visit, they have long conversations, and never really seem overly rushed or out of it. Is this the magic of Orange County? Cause in the morning I’m usually crazily rushed and not in the best mood to, say, describe the kiss I had with Theresa last night to Seth, as he’s begging Ryan to.
Lorraine: This is more the magic of TV. Also, the magic of having everyone write their recaps without reading the ones before is spotting the patterns. The consensus is, “no. No one has this much time in the morning and the less people interaction the better.” Internet solidarity.
Sweeney: And the prevalence of this theme on TV, combined with the fact that we now have about 20 different recappers decrying its falsehood, means we’re long overdue for some sort of tag declaring that TV people are ridiculous because morning is bullshit.
Tom: Morning is bullshit would probably work well. It applies to so many things! Anyway, Seth wants to know all the details, and apparently what “level” of kiss, focused on Britney Spears related kissing and political references to Al Gore.
Dear Lord, I love Seth Cohen.
Ryan is reticent to describe or define the relationship, while Seth presses on, including asking about her credit score and which highway Ryan will take to visit her. Also, I’ve spent enough time watching California-based shows that I can now talk about the 55 comfortably. What does this say about my Canadian-based social life? (S: Mostly that TV is amazing. Also, this is relevant to this conversation.) Seth insists this is all a big deal, while Ryan insists it’s not, and he’s not even sure when he’ll see her again.
In classic TV timing, Theresa walks in now. Again with the morning visits! Seriously, if someone popped by my house randomly as I was getting ready for work or school I would think someone had died (which, in the OC, is not entirely out of the realm of possibility). Theresa, however, has the morning off and wants to offer them a ride to school. Can the Cohens really not afford to get Seth a little Honda or something? Didn’t Kirsten loan out 100k without even feeling the need to tell Sandy about it? Surely they can find 20k to get Seth a Civic.
Lor: He’s somewhere in the realm of 16-18, according to this show’s crazy notion of what a sophomore is. He should definitely have a little Civic.
Sweeney: I’m very confused by their ages. I turned 16 near the end of my sophomore year and I was among the last person to do so in my midwestern high school, but my California elementary school had a much later kindergarten cut-off date (here it was 5 by the time you start the year, whereas there it was 5 by December 10th) so it’s actually pretty plausible that Seth just isn’t 16 yet. But this show doesn’t really know how old any of its characters are. Also, California has laws about newly licensed drivers driving in cars full of other teenagers, but LOL laws on TV.
Tom: Cause clearly the OC is totally concerned with plausibility.
Marissa then comes by to offer a ride as well, and ups the awkward factor threefold. An awkward beat ensues, after which Seth dives in to try and arrange things so he goes with Marissa and Ryan goes with Theresa, increasing the awkward factor threefold again. Does awkardness multiply exponentially? Are we at 6x Normal Awkward Levels (NALs) or 9 NALS? That’s really more for the Awkwardnologists to say, I suppose. (L: HELLO NEW CAREER PATH.) Right?!
Marissa takes offense when Theresa suggests she take them, suggesting backhandedly she belongs there and Theresa doesn’t. AWKWARD BEAT NUMBER 3 PEOPLE. Awkward levels are off the charts now. Marissa realizes her mistake and overall snootiness and leaves, Theresa following suit, and Seth points out they’re now hitchhiking. Cue opening credits.
This song always takes me back and makes me grin a bit, even if I’ve never actually been to California. It also always confused me why Ryan wasn’t first on the credits. I mean the show is pretty much entirely centered around him, come on. Further, it took them way too long to add Summer to the credits. How did they ever think she wasn’t going to be a star? (S: IKR?) Also, I swear the earlier theme ended on a different note and it throws me off EVERY TIME.
In the Cohen kitchen again, Sandy and Kirsten greet Marissa as she runs out in embarrassment. Kirsten informs Sandy that Riviera Magazine has voted her father man of the year, and Sandy is, of course, not pleased with that. The Cohens prod Ryan on Theresa but, in classic Ryan fashion, he’s tight lipped. Sandy and Kirsten ask several random questions about leases and jobs and plans that prove beyond any DNA testing that Seth is 100% their son. Ryan stares dumbly and then runs off to school. Or rather, to wait for a ride to school. Kirsten asks about the case with Uncle Shawn in the last episode and if they can all play nice. Sandy is sarcastic, but promises he’ll think about it.
We open on the grass in front of Harbour, and OMG LUKE IS PLAYING SAD GUITAR. (L: He’s deep now. He’s having sex with a mom.) Marissa is intrigued and sits down to ask him about how much pain she caused him when she dated Ryan, presumably tipped off by his sad guitar.
On Luke’s advice, Marissa tries to be friendly with Ryan and ask about Theresa, which ups things to 2 NALs. Thankfully, we quickly cut to lunch, with the other awkward love triangle of our story, Summer, Seth and Anna. They admire Caleb’s picture on Riviera magazine, and Anna’s sarcasm about how fulfilling having your photo on the cover must be flies right over Summer’s head. After a seemingly missed joke about Picasso, Summer asserts that she’s not that dumb, just shallow. Real inspiration, Summer is. After Seth asks if plastic surgery talk is boring Anna, she mentions, happily, that she’s moving back to Pittsburgh, and will hear no more about plastic surgery there. Seth stares dumbfounded.
Cut to Theresa’s bitchin’, older model convertible. She and Ryan are looking over newspaper want ads, because the internet is not a thing yet. Ryan broods and worries over things, but they share a kiss before the bell rings to take him back to school, and he promises halfheartedly they’ll be okay.
Sweeney: This conversation where they hang out in a car, reading the paper, cracking jokes about unemployment makes it all the harder to by them as 16-ish-year-olds, rather than the twenty-somethings they actually are.
Tom: Luke knocks on the Cooper door, with Marissa’s little sister Caitlin there to greet him. (Sidenote: this is the moment Anna and I went OMG THAT’S THE GIRL FROM THE FAULT IN OUR STARS. I mentioned how sad it was that the Coopers were going to have a daughter come down with cancer and put her up for adoption and have her adopted by the bartender from True Blood and Anna smacked me upside the head.) Caitlin flirts as best she can with Luke, before being sent away by her mother. Damn, Luke really has a way with the Cooper women, apparently.
Lor: He’s probably closer in age to Caitlin than he is to Julie, so there’s your extra helping of EW for this scene.
Tom: Cause I totally needed that, Lorraine, thanks.
He offers to help Julie with her “DSL” (and I’m now assuming DSL is both an internet thing and some kind of weird sex act) (L: I’ve only ever known it to stand for “dick sucking lips.” You have big lips and you know these things. Another helping of EW.) but Julie warns him that his Magic Internet Sex is not worth Caitlin becoming suspicious. Cue Jimmy popping up and Julie telling him Luke came by to defrag her hard drive and I DON’T EVEN WANNA KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS IN THEIR SEX INTERNET TALK. Jimmy seems suspicious, but says nothing.
Cohen BBQ, Sandy is grilling swordfish in what seems like an outdoor kitchen. Are these a thing in California? Cause it seems like it would be wildly inconvenient if, you know, it rains. (S: Rich people just have really, really fancy grill setups. Because they pay people to clean up after them.) He asks Ryan if he needs to grill several additional pieces of fish for all his women, but Ryan says Theresa is his only one for now. Sandy asks about the relationship and offers his advice that her life, what with not being in high school when she should be, will make for a complicated relationship. In classic Sandy Cohen parenting, however, he assures Ryan that the relationship is sweet, but that Theresa needs to face the music of her life, including her fiance (who recovered well from being a vampire in Buffy). Man, Sandy’s the best parent.
In the Actual Cohen Indoor Kitchen, Caleb and Kirsten discuss the dinner menu and decorations for a party honouring him. Caleb mentions he is on Team Cilantro Sucks along with me, so he went up a few points in my book now. Ryan enters, saying hello to “Mr. Nichol” and Kirsten, who suggest Ryan call him “Caleb.” Caleb’s look suggests this is a worse idea than serving him a cilantro salad.
Kirsten exits to grab wine for dinner and Sandy enters. Caleb asks him about the case, and Sandy says he’ll decide once Caleb tells Kirsten everything. Caleb insists Kirsten would be put at risk if she knew everything, but Sandy insists she’s already culpable, and lays down his ultimatum, in true Sandy Cohen fashion. Caleb’s look suggests he knows he’s beat and THIS SUCKS worse than a cilantro salad.
Ryan goes to visit Theresa in a hotel? Apartment? Hotel apartment? She tells Ryan she’s told Eddie she’s not coming home soon, and she feels free now. Ryan looks happy and less brooding than normal and invites her over for swordfish.
Lor: That’s funny because I think he’s supposed to look stressed and more broody than normal. Nice try, Ben McKenzie.
Sweeney: Gotham’s going to be a lot of fun, because either we’re going to constantly congratulate him for all the progress he’s made in the last decade or laugh a lot at the lack of improvement. Either way, a good time will be had.
Tom: I feel like I’m not going to be able to stop making jokes about “Wow, Ryan ended up a cop? Never saw that coming.”
Back to the Cohen Magic Breakfast Kitchen where everyone is awake way before school and work. Does school and work just start at like, 10am in Orange County? Is that it? Seth tells Ryan Anna’s going back to Pittsburgh, and Ryan tells Seth Theresa is staying. Seth laments that it’s all his fault, while Ryan suggests it may not be all Seth’s fault. He’s unconvinced, while Ryan bitches about what he’s going to do with Theresa staying.
At a fancy seaside restaurant, Caleb meets Kirsten for what I’m assuming is lunch (since one doesn’t normally have wine with breakfast, but maybe I’m misguided) and lays it all out about Uncle Shawn and how dirty the construction business is, and that she’s on the hook too. The joys of the family business.
At school, Marissa and Ryan start chatting before Vampire Eddie (he was a Vampire in Buffy and I cannot see him as anything else) busts in and gets in Ryan’s face, wanting to know exactly what’s going on with him and Theresa. After being thrown out by a surprisingly bold and nerdy faculty member, Eddie storms out.
Outside school, Seth asks Anna why she’s leaving. She insists she misses actual defined seasons, and her dog and a list of things I’m sure some intern googled about Pittsburgh. Seth invites her to his grandfather’s party, because the episode would be entirely incomplete without some sort of party and everyone having an excuse to be there.
At another part of school, presumably later on, Marissa suggests to Ryan that she can be a friend to Theresa, and that he invite her to Caleb’s party. They spar verbally and look longingly at each other and reference their shared dramatic history, and Ryan ends up using the excuse that Theresa won’t have the clothes anyway.
Sandy and Kirsten hang out by their pool, where he suggests he can help her, and she insists he not be involved. We cut to Seth and Summer making out on the roof of a BMW with takeout, where he can’t stop thinking about Anna moving away. Protip Cohen; best not to mention your ex during makeouts. Summer says him thinking Anna’s moving cause of him is a bit self absorbed. Protip 2: WHEN SUMMER IS TELLING YOU YOU’RE SELF ABSORBED YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.
Ryan drops by Theresa’s place to Talk, with a capital T. He lays it out, but she insists she can take care of herself, and quiets any further protests Ryan may have by distracting him with sex. Cue musical fadeout, but wait, there’s Eddie, watching from his car in the parking lot and being hurt and creepy. He peels out angrily.
Lor: Somewhere, Marissa is PISSED because all her attempts to fix relationships with her vagina have failed. Sorry, girl.
Tom: The next morning, Ryan gets up, realizing the Cohens will actually care that he didn’t come home. He awkwardly tries not to invite Theresa to Caleb’s party, but ends up inviting her, because he just doesn’t have the verbal skills to not invite her.
At the gorgeous Orange County driving range, Sandy runs into someone from the District Attorney’s office, who says he’s going to offer Uncle Shawn a deal. Sell out Caleb and Kirsten and Uncle Shawn walks. Sandy is sarcastic and evasive, while the DA insists he’s coming down on the Newport Group. Sandy’s sarcasm and evasiveness is unending.
In the Cohen kitchen, preparations are underway for the party. While servants run around them, Ryan and Seth recap the episode so far and their respective problems, in case you’re tuning in halfway. Ryan suggests Seth just tell Anna his thoughts, and Seth uses the Latin phrase about wine (veritas in vino) that I initially thought was misused, then realized he had turned it on its head to work for his particular situation, so, +1 Nerd Points to you, Cohen.
Marisa drops by Theresa’s house to insist she come to the party, and has brought along clothes to help. CAUSE CLEARLY THERESA AND MARISSA ARE THE SAME SIZE. Or did she just use her wealth to go randomly buy some things she guessed were Theresa’s size? I sometimes feel like TV is trying to tell me all girls are roughly the same size and can all share fancy dresses in times of crisis. That’s totally true, right?
Lor: *laughs bitterly* *thinks about going to the gym* *eats ice cream*
Tom: At Caleb’s party, Seth’s shirt is untucked and it bugs my inner fashion critic. Summer and Ryan chat, and Summer brings up the O-word, but insists Marissa still loves him, even if she tends to have crappy taste in boys. Marissa and Theresa enter, where Ryan is suitably blown away by Theresa looking fancy. Anna enters the party and she and Summer share a nice goodbye. She gives Ryan a note for Seth, and slips away. Luke makes another pass at Julie, and I kept waiting for a joke about setting up a “Mobile Hotspot,” but their flirting is internet jargon free. (L: A+)
In a semi-dark corner of the party, Sandy tells Caleb he can make it all go away if Caleb pays off the guy who made it an issue. Caleb is pleased the universe is in order and he is not going to jail but will continue to be rich and powerful and Sandy looks like he just swallowed a bug. Jimmy confronts Julie with his suspicions about Luke defragging her hard drive all night long, but she denies everything.
Vampire Eddie enters the house, uninvited (how’d that work?!) (L: Ask Angel the series. They had all kinds of interesting ways around that one…) (S: PLOT TWIST: THE COHENS ARE GHOSTS.) and confronts Theresa. As is normal for a party in the OC, Ryan gets punched and thrown in the pool. Luke proves he’s suddenly become a decent guy and jumps to Ryan’s defense, making Eddie run off, screaming to Ryan that this isn’t over. Afterwards, Ryan gives Seth the note from Anna, which is now smudged from being in the pool. Seth tries to puzzle out the smudged letter, while Summer says it shouldn’t matter what it says, since, you know, he’s with her, not Anna. Seth insists it isn’t like that, and with Summer’s blessing, runs off to stop Anna at the airport, and gets Ryan to drive him (since he’s semi-buzzed on champagne). (S: AND WHO KNOWS WHAT HIS ACTUAL AGE EVEN IS.) Theresa says to go, she’ll straighten things out with Eddie, and Ryan says he’ll meet her back at her apartment (ah, so it is an apartment, not a hotel!).
Caleb makes a pass at Julie as the party winds down. She’s skeptical he can properly connect to her wireless network, but suggests he plan a good date, and they’ll see.
In the car on the way to the airport Seth freaks out about his hair and complains about the music. Ryan wins my eternal love for warning him, with all of his “I’m from the wrong side of the tracks and I can kill you with a tire iron” bravado, not to insult Journey.
Sweeney: +1, because Ben’s delivery of that line is my favorite thing he has done on this show so far. ALSO, this scene is a callback to the Tijuana episode:
Kirsten thanks Sandy for his underhanded dealings, while he’s still clearly a little sick with himself. They go back and forth about it, with Sandy saying that his family comes before his convictions, while Kirsten says she’d rather go to jail than mix him up in all this. Um. Kirsten, have you even seen Orange is the New Black? You think Ryan was a little rough around the edges? But the Cohens make up, as they always do, and give us a slight insight into their sex life by Sandy suggesting he’ll be the only one putting her in handcuffs. They cut to the airport and rudely deny us further insights in the Cohen family sex life.
Sweeney: THIS SCENE DESTROYED MY SOUL. Anna’s bullshit line about how they have no chemistry made me hate the writerly abuse of this character all the more. I’m really sad that both Anna seemed to take Samaire Armstrong off to Pittsburgh with her, because she’s precious.
Tom: After the airport, Ryan goes to Theresa’s hotel apartment (which is a hotel apparently!) to find the housekeeper in there, and no Theresa! Cut to Ryan and Seth sitting by the dock, eating oddly coloured pizza, with Seth promising to spend some time with Ryan now that he’s all on his own. Ryan thanks him sarcastically, and says he can always hang out with Luke, wondering what he’s doing now.
Thanks for joining me in our journey into Orange County, friends. I hope you had fun and are formulating your own computer-based sexual innuendos as we speak. (L: It was perfect, Tom. 1430 AND an A+.)
Next time: The gang venture north of Newport in The OC S01 E22 – The LA
Brewmaster monk. Yogi. Writer. Hearthstoner. Aspiring superhero. Canadian. Husband. Sworn to House Stark. Certified Human Resources Professional. Cereal Chef Extraordinaire.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
