Previously: A man clone showed up and Ethan Duncan returned to The Dyad Institute.
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Things Which Have Never Yet Been Done
Sweeney: Alison returns to her garage telling Donnie that she cleaned the car. Donnie’s having a much more appropriate, “What have I done?” reaction over the corpse. Alison’s all business and while that’s probably more productive for them not getting caught it’s also an entirely terrifying quality to witness. Donnie’s, “I’m going to throw up,” as they wrap the body up and toss it in their extra freezer is how I assume a person who is not insane should handle hiding a corpse they murdered.
Lorraine: TRUE. We’ve seen how jittery and nervous Alison can be, but I’d venture to say it’s generally a before/after the fact reaction. In the moment, she’s going to do what needs to be done.
Sweeney: It’s a fine line. I get that she’s doing “what needs to be done” to protect their family now, but her callousness about it still makes me uneasy.
Proletheans Who Heart Science Ranch. In his rapey-fertility-science lab, Pastor Broody Cowboy puts Helena’s fertilized eggs inside her. Her incredulous reaction to the idea that a test tube could contain her babies is super adorable. Pastor Broody Cowboy tells Helena that in 9 months they’ll be welcoming a little her – perhaps even twins – into the world and leaves.
DNA and SCIENCE and a NEAT-O SCREENSAVER
Dyad. Delphine is telling Rachel that Cosima is in terrible shape – the growths are spreading. Rachel reminds her that there’s a way, but Delphine knows that Kira is off the table as an answer to their problem. She’s doubtful she can convince Sarah that they have no designs on Kira since she’s not particularly convinced of Rachel’s intentions. She says it a bit more diplomatically than that, but it’s implied. Rachel respects that and takes that opportunity to offer Delphine the job as interim director of the program now that Leekie’s out of the picture. Rachel pinky promises this isn’t a ploy of any kind, which is how you know it totally is.
Lor: Also by the fact that it’s basically all, “oh you said no? HOW ABOUT A NEW JOB!” Come on, Delphine.
Sweeney: LOL. Putting it that way, all I can think is Christian Grey. Of course Rachel is the Christian Grey clone.
Siobhan’s House. Delphine pleads with Sarah for Kira’s bone marrow. Ethan Duncan’s gene therapy solution would be months away and Cosima’s dying now – Delphine insists that she wouldn’t be there otherwise.
Later, our original Clone Club is in a big group Skype call. Cosima catches them up on the state of her disease and Alison’s crying at the sight of her. Sarah explains that she wants to help but just can’t bring Kira into Dyad. As the call is ending, we see Donnie standing over Alison urging her to ask the other ladies if there has been any additional word on Leekie. There has not – they relay the Leekie-died-on-a-plane story.
After, Donnie wonders why Dyad would bother with this cover story, but Alison doesn’t figure it matters. Donnie’s big plan is to dump the body in the lake with weights. For as much as Alison has been unsettling me lately, she hits home when she points out the absurdity of Donnie’s plan by asking him if he watches television. THIS IS BASICALLY WHAT I WANT TO ASK EVERY TV SHOW CHARACTER EVER. (L: Yep, A+) Also, of course creepy housewife of the year watches Dexter. Anyway, Donnie proposes burying him in the yard and Alison corrects that it won’t be in the yard.
A bit later the kids are watching TV and we see the ground vibrating enough to shake the legos off the table. I’m confused by the layout of their house since the garage seems detached from the house. Regardless, Donnie’s doing a shitty job of drilling through the concrete and Alison’s all, “I got this.”
Lor: She’s not even looking at the jackhammer. She’s looking over her shoulder at Donnie all, “bam.”
Sweeney: Proletheans Who Heart Science Ranch. The midwife who helped impregnate Helena has something to show her. It’s a house on the ranch that serves as the nursery. It’s filled with kids, which Helena loves. As does the fact that she’s “part of the family now.” Gracie is not so happy about this.
Siobhan’s House. Sarah speculates that they could make this thing work for Cosima if they find a way to do it all on their own terms. Felix walks in and gets caught up to speed. Siobhan might know someone who can help but when she says it’s not without risk, Felix assumes that means it’s off the table. “My sister’s dying, Fee.” Watching the clones grow to see each other true family members has been one of the highlights of this season. Siobhan says that it’s not really any of their decision.
Upstairs, Kira is drawing as Sarah tries to explain that Cosima needs bone marrow. Kira’s not a fan of needles and Siobhan reminds her that she shouldn’t feel bad if she doesn’t want to do it. Kira asks if Auntie Cosima will die, and when Sarah tells her that’s a possibility, Kira agrees. “Oh god, you’re the bravest thing I know,” Sarah says as she hugs her daughter. Siobhan leaves to make the call to her friend.
At the hospital, Sarah, Felix, and Siobhan pace around the empty lobby with Siobhan’s doctor friend. Siobhan’s friend who kidnapped Sarah forever ago walks in with Delphine, promising that she’s clean. Delphine anxiously says hello to everyone and is greeted coldly, especially by Felix. Sarah and Felix go with the doctor to check up on Kira (why was nobody in there with her during all of this? Felix, for starters, didn’t need to be out in the lobby with them.) and Siobhan stays with Delphine.
Dyad. Scott is putting together an old computer while a lackey of Rachel’s who looks like a total kiss ass hovers over him. Ethan wants him to get gone, but he’s not going anywhere. Scott gets the computer up and running and a bunch of jumbled nonsense appears – it’s encoded and Ethan’s got the key in his brain hole. Scott’s ecstatic and Cosima smiles too…and then stifles a cough.
Alison’s Abode. The murdery couple fights as they dig a giant hole in their garage. Alison’s annoyed with Donnie’s pace and Donnie points out that he’s a little less comfortable with all this murder business. Alison makes the fair point that it’s actually his sloppy murder that they’re dealing with right now. I’m not sure how reassuring that is. Alison does an INSANE leap over the mound of dirt when her kids come into the garage to inform her that there’s a man there to see her.
Sweeney: Parents who hide bodies together also have to take the parent out of parenting together.
Inside we learn that this man is none other than Vic the Dick. Alison shoos the kids upstairs (L: see?), but Donnie stays. Vic asks what’s up with the garage and the two answer simultaneously and differently. Alison’s answer is, unsurprisingly better. (“Renovating” v. “oil change” – come on now, Donnie.) Vic wants Alison to “air out some stuff” for their recovery and tries to get Ali and then Donnie to reiterate the thing with Aynsley. Alison tells him to GTFO. He goes and we see him get into the back of a big van.
Proletheans Who Heart Science Nursery. Pastor Broody Cowboy is excitedly telling the kids a story that’s also very much for Helena’s hearing, because the creation was never shown any love by its creator. The midwife interrupts to send the kids off to their naps. A little girl Helena had jokingly stuck her tongue out at earlier lingers to play this shy little game again. She’s abused by the midwife for not listening. Once the little girl is gone, only Helena, Gracie, and the midwife are left and Helena grabs the midwife by throat, saying she knew a woman like her at the convent and if this bitch touches that little girl again, Helena will gut her like a fish. She’s not fucking around. She’s very serious about fish. And gutting. The midwife runs off and Gracie’s usual expression of horror for Helena switches to one of unexpected respect.
Sweeney: Bravest Thing I Know Hospital. Kira’s asked to count backwards from 100 as she’s put to sleep so that the procedure can begin. Sarah sits by her daughter and cries about being a terrible mother. Felix comforts his sister while Delphine promises that Kira won’t feel a thing.
Alison’s Abode. Vic tries to peer through the window but can’t quite see what he’s looking at through the plastic they put over it. A non-translucent plastic would have been a better idea. Regardless, Donnie appears behind him with a gun to his head.
Inside the garage, Donnie’s going crazy, still holding the gun to Vic’s head shouting to Ali that Vic’s murder is the only way he sees this ending. Alison’s a little concerned now. Vic shouts that they can’t kill him because there’s a cop outside and then he explains that he’s been forced into all of this by Angela Deangelis, who thinks there’s five of her. Donnie reveals that the safety is on the gun and he was just bluffing. Ali’s impressed. I laughed for realsies when Donnie explains that he learned from his mistakes and then, after Vic asks for confirmation that he’s not going to get shot, adds – threateningly – “not accidentally.” I missed it on first watch but just caught that it all gets even better when Vic adds, “I hate this garage.”
I was trying really hard to dislike all of this gross murder business but this show is making me laugh in spite of myself. But also never mind what I said about it getting better because that was a gross reminder of that time I had to recap a torture scene, which is the second worst thing Traumaland’s number gods can do to you.
Lor: I was truly worried we were going to see Vic’s brain splatter. The reveal the safety was on made me laugh too. It’s amazing that the comic relief of this episode centers around burying a dead body and threats to add to the body count. This show.
Sweeney: THIS SHOW.
Vic returns to the van and is followed into it by Donnie. He says Deangelis has been harassing his wife and calls bullshit on it being police business – given the state of things for Beth Childs and Art. “All these women and you still can’t put it together.” Vic unhelpfully chimes in that he is also confused. Donnie says that she doesn’t want to know what they know and he will bury her if she comes near his home or family again. He tells them to smile and then takes a picture. (L: Vic throws up a peace sign! Camera ready 24/7.) He adds that she should have a shitty day and hops out of the van, taking a beat to feel proud of his new-found badassery before heading back inside.
Proletheans Who Heart Science Lab For Rapey Pregnancies. That name is too long but I’ve seen this episode already so I’m not too worried about it. It’s also entirely fitting because we’re only there to watch as Gracie gets impregnated and looks miserable about it.
Later, the midwife tells Helena and Gracie that they can keep each other company now that they’re both pregnant. Helena teases Gracie a bit, adding that she should eat up since she’s going to get fat anyway. The fact that Helena is so easily chummy with people who have tried to murder her goes a long way towards how sympathetic she’s become this season. She gets where Gracie was coming from and takes no personal offense to it. What she doesn’t get, however, is why Gracie is so upset since she thought she liked Smarmy Hipster Cowboy. Gracie realizes the extent of Helena’s ignorance and spells it out for her (and me, as an audience member, who merely suspected but found the thought too repulsive to believe without this confirmation): Gracie was impregnated with more of the Helena/Pastor Broody Cowboy eggs. Gracie’s carrying Helena’s babies. More importantly, SHE’S CARRYING HER FATHER’S CHILD. Some levity is brought to this tense scene when Gracie asks Helena if she’s been listening to anything her father said. “Not really,” she mumbles. (L: It’s so easy to tune out when he rambles on, girl. I get it.)
Making Crazy Science Lab. Ethan explains the source of the infertility to Cosima, the short version being that this solution was the least invasive procedure to guarantee both the viability and infertility of the clones. He apologizes – quite sincerely – for the fact that they failed to anticipate the consequences. Scott, meanwhile, has decoded the disc on a better computer. Kiss Ass Lackey wants to know how long it’ll take to decode the other sequences, but Ethan’s not telling – they all have unique keys and he doesn’t want them to be able to replicate and continue this experiment.
Proletheans Who Heart Science Ranch. Smarmy Hipster Cowboy comes in to check on Gracie who informs him that Helena had no idea what was going on there. Helena shares her horrifying new discovery: Pastor Broody Cowboy puts babies in all the women. They’re all his fucking kids. “Yes. To multiply is divine,” offers Mark. Gracie just glares at him. Helena watches him dote on Gracie and says that he loves her like a puppy but allowed Pastor Broody Cowboy to breed her like a brood mare. Mark says that the women there don’t see it that way and asks Gracie to tell her. Gracie just turns away from him and curls up in bed to think about the tragic state of her life.
Dyad. Marian Bowles, she of the Lab Coat Chic jacket, is in Leekie’s old office when Rachel arrives. They exchange disingenuous sad thoughts at Leekie’s demise. Marian thinks that Delphine was an interesting choice and asks how Rachel’s doing in light of all her new information about herself. Rachel says that she knows what the goals are and doesn’t need to be worried about. Marian’s really there to talk about Sarah, who intrigues her because in spite of being a product of chance (unlike Rachel) she continues to be an obstacle. Rachel assures Marian that Sarah is “in hand.”
Elsewhere in the building, Rachel goes to a weird little theater room where she has a martini glass waiting for her. She watches the childhood home movie again and laughs, drinks, and cries.
Finally, she calls herself stupid and switches to the pictures Paul took of Sarah and Kira back in S1. She places a call to a doctor and makes more disingenuous comments about Leekie’s death. While asking for this doctor’s expertise, we see her putting on a very Sarah Manning black hoodie.
Lor: When they introduced us to Helena, they went balls to the wall with convincing us she was crazy. Mostly with the whole murdering thing, but a little bit with the crazy hair, murder lighting and bang! screeech! soundtrack. They’ve gone the complete opposite with put together Rachel, who has had two of these weird moments where she’s doing something and a cut brings us back to a composed Rachel. It leaves me looking around at my empty room and asking the TV, “this bitch is crazy, right?”
Sweeney: This bitch is definitely crazy.
The next day, Delphine returns to find Rachel in her new office. She explains that the marrow is processing for transport right now. Rachel gets her things to leave but is interrupted by a phone call. She steps into the hall to take it and Delphine peaks at Rachel’s laptop as she receives a message. It’s a confidential email saying that someone has “come to terms with the requested field asset.” Said field asset is Siobahn’s friend Benjamin Kertland.
Bravest Thing I’ve Ever Known Hospital. Sarah cuddles with Kira and gives her some medicine before she falls asleep. Felix sits by the window.
Incestuous Science Ranch. It’s late at night and Helena sits in bed anxiously. She finally resolves to get the hell out of there.
Gracie hears her and asks what she’s doing and where she’ll go. “My sestra.” Helena tells Gracie that she’s a good girl but if she doesn’t want to have her babies she shouldn’t. Gracie says she’d never do that but the pair exchange a look that suggests she’s thinking about it. With that, she resolves to come with and directs Helena to the other door because it’s faster. Helena’s face when Gracie says she’s coming with is so childlike and eager that my heart breaks a little for her.
Unfortunately, before they get out the door, Pastor Broody Cowboy arrives with a gun. He’s super pissed with Gracie whose job it was to counsel Helena and help her accept “her purpose.” Helena stands between them saying that she’s not afraid of him. Gracie +1’s that. Apparently her mother has “gone out west to find more brood mares.” EW FOREVER. HOW DO THESE PEOPLE CONTINUE TO GET WORSE? HOW IS THIS STILL POSSIBLE?
Gracie says that they can both go to hell and Pastor Broody cowboy smacks Helena in the face with the butt of the gun. I hate him so I’m not even going to caps that ITF because he’s just flatly ineligible for that high honor at the Truamaland Awards. (L: Plus, you know that isn’t going to end well for him. You are gonna regret that, sir.) (S: True. He clearly has not been watching this show.) He drags Gracie to her solitary confinement cell. As Pastor Broody Cowboy goes back to deal with Helena, Mark comes in. PBC tells Mark to leave her alone to think and come help him with Helena. Mark hesitates. “She’s your daughter. You had to put your own child inside of her? You had to be the father too?” Pastor Broody Cowboy blah blahs about Helena being a miracle and that being a sign he can’t ignore. Mark says that he won’t be locking Gracie up anymore and we see Helena creeping up behind him. As Helena has him in a choke hold she tells the other two to run. Gracie wisely grabs his gun first.
Alison’s Abode. The suburban murderers next door have finished their burial operation and as soon as they’re done laying the concrete, Donnie draws a heart in it. Alison says she’s never been more attracted to him and they start going at it right there. They deliberate about locations and simultaneously get excited at the prospect of THE FREEZER. Which is also super gross. “Remember where we were hiding that corpse? Let’s do it there.” It sounds like something Christian Grey would advocate. (L: #ruined) (S: I had forgotten about this reference already when I made the one above. Many, many layers of ruined.)
Proletheans Who Heart Science Lab For Rapey Pregnancies. Pastor Broody Cowboy comes to and finds himself tied to the chair where he impregnates ladies. He tells Helena to cut the shit because she’s made her point and also her children are going to need their father one day. Helena asks him what kind of babies he’d like, going through all the different animal samples he has on hand. She takes the giant metal stick and rams it inside him as he screams. It’s the most deserved torture scene we’ve had in a while.
We cut to Helena running up the hill and looking back as she watches the house burn. What about the children? Are they in a different building? I really hope she didn’t just murder all those little kids too. (L: Same thought! I hope Helena would’ve thought of sticking-out-her-tongue-girl.) (S: I believe deep in my soul that she would have. Helena loves sticking-out-her-tongue-girl!)
At the hospital, Sarah is told to go outside because Delphine is there. Sarah gets into her limo and Delphine explains that she can’t react or else they’ll know, but when Delphine explains what she saw, Sarah, of course, sprints inside.
Upstairs, “Sarah” – with something ever-so-slightly off about her hair tells Siobhan that Delphine just wanted to warn them. Another amazing Tatiana Maslany moment: “Sarah” tells them to “make sure the elevators are secure” and Rachel’s otherwise convincing performance has a bit of a tell in the way she says “secure” and it’s brilliant.
Sorry. Spoilers. We’re not there yet. Soon:
“Sarah” goes into Kira’s room and starts collect Kira, telling Felix that they’re not safe there. His green clone phone starts ringing and he sees that it’s Sarah calling. Unfortunately, Rachel-as-Sarah was ready for this: she turns around and sticks a needle in his neck. He passes out almost immediately.
Actual Sarah makes her way into the hallway and shouts that Benjamin needs to be kept away because he’s with Dyad but continues storming into Kira’s room. Siobhan quickly realizes what’s happened. Unfortunately, they’re too late: Felix is passed out and Kira and Rachel are gone.
Making Crazy Science Lab. Delphine sits by Cosima as she wakes up. Delphine cries as she explains that she’s made a terrible mistake. Shit. I want to hug her. I reserved my hugs for her before because I’ve been so suspicious of her, but she seems to have been rather sincerely duped in all of this. Hugs, Delphine.
Rachel sits with Kira in a very pink bedroom as she wakes up. Kira asks where her mother is. Rachel tells her that she knows she’s scared but she’ll get over it and maybe even grow to like it there like she did. Shit.
End credits.
This episode stressed me out so much.
Lor: AGREED. It’s part of the reason I’ve hesitated watching the next one because all of the stress. I can only hope that Kira does something to get the heck away from Rachel.
Sweeney: RUN, KIRA, RUN!
A final sidebar note, this Tumblr post with Alison and Rachel each impersonating Sarah’s swagger is delightful. I want to watch Tatiana Maslany play a Tatiana Maslany pretending to be another Tatiana Maslany all day.
Next time: Sarah surrenders to the Dyad, so probably lots more stress in Orphan Black S02 E10 – By Means Which Have Never Yet Been Tried.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
