Previously: Ana goes to meet Grey’s parents sans culottes because he squirreled said culottes away. At dinner, Ana mentions wanting to take a trip to visit her mom in Georgia. This makes Grey angry and we end the chapter with him carrying her through the backyard for an impromptu spanking.
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Lorraine: Grey is still carrying Ana over his should when they reach the boathouse. Grey turns on the lights and Ana tells us that the house is wooden, the stairs are wooden and the floor is wooden, because apparently this boathouse is made of wood.
“He pauses at the doorway and touches another switch- halogens this time, they are softer, on a dimmer – and we’re in an attic room with sloping ceilings. It’s decorated with a nautical New England theme: navy blues and creams with a dash of red. They furnishings are sparse, just a couple of couches are all I can see.
Christian sets me on my feet on the wooden floor. I don’t have time to examine my surroundings – my eyes can’t leave him.”
Uh…
What do you mean you don’t have time to examine your surroundings? I now know that the upstairs lights are halogens and on a mother freakin’ dimmer. Trust me. You’ve noticed your damn surroundings.
Ana compares Grey to a dangerous predator again. I’d say something about this being repetitive, but really, there are only so many nice ways to say, “he’s probably going to kill me.”
Sweeney: Obviously I have only read one chapter of this book, but the first thing I noticed was how murdery the writing sounds. If I knew nothing else about this story, I would automatically think, “Welp, this girl’s about to get axe murdered on a creepy boat with bad porno lighting.” My prior knowledge of this story only amends that statement to include, “And the fictional world will be better for it.”
Lor: I feel like an “amen” would be appropriate here. Also, I love having back-up in these recaps. I TOLD you guys he was murder-y. I feel justified.
Anyhow:
“Gray eyes blaze with anger, need and pure unadulterated lust.
Holy shit. I could spontaneously combust from his look alone.
“Please don’t hit me,” I whisper, pleading.”
His brow furrows, his eyes widening. He blinks twice.
Sure, but:
1.) In case you thought maybe her combustion was alluding to something vaguely sexy, she follows that up with a plead for him not to hit her. Personal opinion: least sexy thing ever. WAIT, second least sexy thing. The chapter is young and I’ve read ahead.
2.) His brows furrow… and yet his eyes widen. EL James: do you not own a FACE? I’m very confused by your lack of knowing things that faces do. Generally, when your brows furrow, your face scrunches, making everything SMALLER. Try furrow your brows and widen your eyes at home.
Or, if you don’t want to look like a complete idiot, just imagine a Grey version of this:
3.) I’m now imagining that Grey never blinks and when he does, we must count them.
Ana explains that she doesn’t want to be spanked in his parents boathouse and Grey’s mouth hangs open in surprise. Because it’s very hard to imagine that a woman wouldn’t want to be spanked some hundred feet away from your parents.
Our girl feels brave, so she starts touching his face, describing his stubbly face as “a curious mixture of soft and prickly.” This is almost as good as that one time she described his penis as “soft… and hard.”
Sweeney: I know this isn’t exactly new ground in this story, but holy fuck it was annoying to hear her describe this action as “brave.”
Lor: If you were about to be murdered in a boathouse, touching Mr. Murder’s face would be pretty brave. Not so much if you were in a relationship with a guy, and just met his parents. It’s all very confusing.
Grey’s breath hitches and I wonder if there is enough air circulation in the boathouse attic. They probably should’ve thought of that before going up there.
They start kissing for a bit before Grey pulls back and whisper-asks what she’s doing to him. Ana’s all, “kissing you a-duh.” Grey counters with, “you said no.” Ana doesn’t understand but Grey explains that when he was trying to feel her up while they were sitting at the dinner table last chapter, she clenched her legs together.
“But we were at your parents’ dining table. ” I state up at him, completely bewildered.
“No one’s ever said no to me before. And it’s so – hot.”
PFFT. Because:
1.) You are mad because she didn’t want you fishing around the vagAna at dinner? Really, Grey, REALLY?
2.) SHE SAYS NO TO YOU 87 TIMES A CHAPTER. This entire fucking book could be renamed: Fifty Shades of Ana Says No and Grey Doesn’t Care and Then Does What He Wants.
3.) It makes you hot now? IT MAKES YOU HOT? Because I’m pretty sure every other time she’s said no (to the books, to the car, to food, to trying something, to telling you about her interviews) it made you more rage-y. So NO. I don’t believe you, Grey. I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU.
Sweeney: And all of this says nothing of how disturbing it is that he takes being told “No,” as his IMMA GET ON YOU NOW cue. Or the fact that this girl is not disturbed by this information.
Lor: Because if in your head no = hot, you’re probably a rapist.
They are going to have sex now. Grey says if she insists on not being spanked, then he’s going to at least have sex with her quickly and for his pleasure not hers. He aggressive-whispers that her vagAna belongs to him and she confirms this ownership.
Grey says again that this is all about him and that if Ana orgasms, he will spank her. “How do I stop,” thinks Ana. “LOL. Easy!” thinks every woman, ever.
Especially because what appears to be two seconds later, Grey is done. She’s all unsatisfied and frustrated and Grey says that that’s how he feels when she denies him what is his.
I’m assuming he’s referencing his right to… say who her friends are? Um, possibly the right to dictate her trips to see her mother? Maybe the right to be her travel agent? Perhaps the right to touch her vagina in the presence of his parents? I’m not entirely sure, but it makes him frustrated when he’s denied, dammit!
They fix themselves up and Grey produces the panties he squirreled away earlier and gives Ana permission to wear them again.
“I’ve taken a punishment fuck but gained a small victory over the panties. My inner goddess nods in agreement, a satisfied grin over her face – You didn’t have to ask for them.“
CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS ANA.
Sweeney: You mock her now, but think of how accomplished you could feel if you could declare victory for the things Ana does! I’d have so many medals and ribbons for things like, “Wearing my underwear without asking permission,” or “Make my own fucking choices about birth control.” ALL THE MEDALS AND RIBBONS FOR ME! NONE FOR GRETCHEN WIENERS. OR ANASTASIA STEELE.
As they are saying goodbye to each other, Ana tells Kate that she needs to talk to her about antagonizing Christian.
“He needs antagonizing; then you can see what he’s really like. Be careful. Ana – he’s so controlling, ” she whispers. “See you later.”
I KNOW WHAT HE’S REALLY LIKE – YOU DON’T! – I scream at her in my head.
HA!
1.) Women of the entire world: if you fear your best friend is in a controlling, abusive relationship, I’m gonna go ahead and give my unprofessional opinion and say antagonizing her boyfriend is not the best idea.
2.) “I know what he’s really like,” said every domestic abuse victim, ever.
3.) You’re right Ana. She has no IDEA that he just punish-sexed you in the boathouse because you went out with Josecob and planned a trip. She really has no clue just HOW controlling he is.
Everyone hugs Ana goodbye and it makes her- and Grey- uncomfortable. He pulls her away as quickly as possible and they are once again in the car, meaning we’re about to have another deep conversation. EL James doesn’t know how to write, “and then we drove home.”
Sweeney: But naturally, Ana’s super surprised by the inevitable deep conversation. Pattern recognition is not one of her strengths.
Lor: Grey murmurs that it appears that his family likes Ana too. That reference to Kate reminds Ana that she thinks Grey felt trapped into bringing her, since Elliot brought Kate. She vocalizes as much.
“Ana, I’m delighted that you’ve met my parents. Why are you so filled with self-doubt? It never ceases to amaze me. You’re such a strong, self-contained young woman, but you have such negative thoughts about yourself. If I hadn’t wanted you to meet them, you wouldn’t be there.”
Has anyone seen this strong woman Grey is talking about? I find it hilarious that the man that is manipulating and beating a 21-year old is the character James chooses to tell us that Ana is strong. It’s almost as funny as that one time, a gyno told us that Ana was smart… MID SMEAR!
FYI: Ana is none of these things.
Sweeney: IT IS INHERENTLY CONTRADICTORY TO HAVE A CHARACTER TALK ABOUT HER NON-EXISTENT SELF-WORTH EVERY EIGHT SECONDS AS THE BASIS FOR DISCUSSING HER SUPPOSED STRENGTH. Sorry, I’m new at the actual reading of this book — I haven’t learned to control the capslock yet. I don’t even know where to begin to direct it.
Lor: Twenty chapters later, the only advice I have is: just let it flow. Let it happen.
Ana is amazed that Grey actually wanted her there. She then says that she only mentioned Georgia because Kate was talking about Barbados. She hasn’t actually made up her mind. Grey asks if she wants to go see her mom and when Ana says yes, he asks if he can go with her.
She says no. HOT RIGHT?
She says no because she wants time to escape the “intensity” of their relationship. With a totally straight face, Grey asks if he’s too intense.
LOLOLOLOL.
Ana busts out laughing and they try and be funny for a while and it’s stupid. Grey wants to know what she needs to think about in Georgia and she whisper-replies, “us.” Ana wonders how this became an intense and meaningful conversation, and I told you girl: the car.
Ana thinks about having second thoughts about Grey, because she loves him but he sees her as a toy; because she can’t touch him; because she’s frightened to show him affection in case he BEATS HER for it.
Sweeney: Oh, the charming sentiments of blossoming love.
Lor: Grey presses her to share her second thoughts and she just stays quiet and has more second thoughts: his vices; his moods; his control issues; his need to hurt her.
She masks all these very valid, very scary, very real reservations with the belief that she can love him better. The streetlights they pass while driving get all hip to the narrative, and only bathe half his face, providing us with a very apt timely stupid metaphor. HE’S HALF LIGHT HALF DARK, YOU GUYS.
Ana whisper-says that she still wants more, and I guess she means that she wants stuff like meeting his parents… without the punishment sex in the boathouse. Grey says he’ll try.
That’s enough for Ana! She’s all, woah-ho-ho! You’ll try? Sold.
She climbs into his lap in the car and they start making out. Ana says she’ll try too. She’ll sign the contract and – wait. THAT THING STILL EXISTS? AND IT STILL MATTERS? AND DIDN’T SHE ALREADY AGREE TO SIGN IT LIKE 10 YEARS AGO? ANGER.
Sweeney: And hasn’t it consistently been disregarded for the duration of that ten years? Setting aside the fact that the contract is inherently bullshit and absurd and all of that, saying I’m going to sign a contract does not mean it is signed. I know that’s like a millionty items down the list of Examples of Them Not Understanding How Contracts Work, but still.
Lor: Absolutely valid.
Ana is snuggling Grey, being careful not to touch him and smelling his Christian smell, until he murmurs that they are home. They flirt all the way to the elevator where nothing sexual happens.
Just kidding!! It’s an elevator, y’all. Clearly, Ana bites her lip and Grey bites Ana’s lip and everyone let’s all bite… ew, wait. Never mind.
As soon as the elevator stops, Grey tells Ana’s they are going to bed and she’s shocked. Ana’s surprised they are having “plain old vanilla” sex and Grey says that it can be a great flavor. Well not if you two idiots insist on ruining it for me. Grey asks if she wants something more exotic and Ana’s all nope. I would like to note, however, that at the mention of something exotic, her inner goddess “pops her head above the parapet.”
Uuummm… the parapet of what? THE PARAPET OF WHAT? NOW WE ARE TO ASSUME THERE ARE STRUCTURES IN YOUR BRAIN?
Sweeney: There is definitely a whole, elaborately (albeit shoddily) constructed world up there. It’s the only explanation for her unforgivable lack of connection with reality.
Lor: Perhaps I should’ve been telling you guys all along the point in the recap where I kill myself. This is it for chapter 20.
The kids have a little playful back and forth as Grey undresses her, and Ana likes it so much she decides to test her luck. She says that she doesn’t want to fuck… she wants to make love. Grey’s all, “I thought we did… that one time… remember?” Ana explains that she’d like to be able to actually, you know, touch him. She whisper-begs and all.
Sweeney: I’m pretty sure she had gone almost a whole page without whispering at this point, so she was really due for a good whisper-beg to make up for that lost time.
Lor: Grey says no and he suggests just going straight to bed. Touching is a hard limit for him, we’re reminded. Ana wants to know why. He doesn’t want to tell her, throws her a t-shirt and tells her again to get into bed. Ana gets dressed and goes to use the bathroom.
She stares at herself as we get told how angry her subconscious is. Guys, want to know why touching is super important to Ana?
“I need to be able to show him affection – then perhaps he can reciprocate.”
My God. I can’t even.
Lor: AND IN MY WEAKENED STATE, REELING FROM THE CONFESSION THAT SHE WANTS TO FIX HIM WITH HUGS, ANA REACHES FOR GREY’S TOOTHBRUSH.
Ana thinks about how she’s rushing the relationship as she brushes her teeth with his toothbrush.
Grey knocks on the door and Ana invites him in. He stands in the doorway with his sexy pajama pants hanging off his eyebrows (just kidding! They are still hanging off his hips, FYI.) Ana finishes brushing her teeth, rinses the brush, hands it to Grey and he puts it in his mouth.
I puke.
Sweeney: Also there is a weird and stupid exchange of staring at each other in the mirror with smirky eyebrow waggling that makes absolutely no fucking sense.
Lor: When they are done being disgusting, they climb into bed and Grey says that this wasn’t how he planned the night ending. Ana counters with, “imagine if I said to you that you couldn’t touch me.”
Grey says that he’s already told her that he’s Fifty Shades and that he had a rough childhood. He wants to know why that isn’t enough explanation. Personally, I know if anyone ever told me they were “fifty shades” I’D BELIEVE THEM.
Ana says she just wants to know more about him and Grey rolls his eyes. Inspiration strikes Ana and she says that if he tells her, that he can spank her. He says it doesn’t work that way, so Ana adjusts: I’ll roll my eyes at you, if you tell me. He leaves the room for a bit and comes back with “shiny, silver balls, linked with a thick black thread.”
He explains he’ll be putting those inside her and then spanking her for their mutual pleasure. Ana gasps and her inner goddess starts doing the dance of the seven veils. From behind the parapet of her fortress, I’m assuming.
Ana sucks on the balls and then Grey sucks on the balls. She thinks about how this sexier than the toothbrush sharing. PROBABLY BECAUSE EVERYTHING EVER, EVEN THAT ONE TIME GREY FURROWED HIS BROWS AND WIDENED HIS EYES, IS SEXIER THAN TOOTHBRUSH SHARING.
So there is Ben Wa balls and sex. The low-lights of this scene include Grey making Ana ask for her spanking, Grey wanting to watch her face while he spanks her, the phrase “quagmire of sensation,” and a whole ton of whispering.
After the one minute man lasts his one minute, he goes to get lotion to soothe Ana’s behind. When he gets back, Ana claims her prize of information.
“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.”
That’s a great sentence. I’m might use that as a bedtime story for my future children. “Kids, the woman who brought me into the world was a crack whore. Now, go to sleep. Sweet dreams.”
Ana does not in fact go to sleep but asks questions. Grey says that his moms is dead now and died when he was four.
“I only remember certain things. Please go to sleep.”
“Goodnight Christian.”
“Goodnight, Ana.”
And I fall into a dazed, and exhausted sleep, dreaming of a four-year-old, gray-eyed boy in a dark, scary, miserable place.”
Best after sex conversation I’ve ever heard.
Sweeney: Does that merit a pedo-bear alert? Dreaming of four-year-old boys after sex?
Lor: Probably.
Murmur Count – 3
Whisper Count – 14
Favorite comment last post – I love how in both these cases the authors want to establish how their protagonist is, like, ZOMG-so-smart, but they aren’t actually able to write an intelligent character since… y’know… they’re pretty dumb themselves and can’t write for shit, so instead they remind us on every chance they get how she READS a whole lot. Like, A WHOLE LOT. Because… y’know…. that’s what SMART people do. Smart people READ a lot. And this chick right there- she reads A LOT. There’s a shitload of READING going on with this gurl. So… that means she’s SMART. ‘Cause she READS, ‘yall. Did everyone follow this? Yeah, we’re definitely dealing with a SMART GIRL who READS. A LOT. – effie
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
