Previously: Meredith tried to murder Aria, Caleb and Paige started a B-Team (C-Team?) to take down the A-Team, and Spencer found out that Toby is an A. She cried, and it was sad.
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Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Inferno
Lorraine: It’s been a while, friends, but I’m confident that things are ever as we remember in Rosewood.
Sweeney: A place in which dramatic music and zoomy cameramen keep trying to tell you that EPIC THINGS ARE HAPPENING but the actual rate of change suggests that nothing ever happens here.
Lor: Exactly. That’s the city motto, I think.
We start the episode with a small peek at TOBY ABS! I mean it’s dark and stuff and we’re mad at Toby for being part of the A team and making Spencer cry, but yes. Abs are near. Spencer and Toby make out but then he grabs her by the throat and is suddenly wearing his black hoodie. Spencer wakes up from her nightmare gasping. The Zoomy Cameraman pans over to her bedside table where we see the key marked A.
SHHHHHHH.
Aria and Emily wonder if they should tell Spencer that Papa Montgomery saw Melissa outside of Alison’s house the night she was murdered. Aria’s (kind of) all, “remember all those other times we jumped to conclusions?” and Emily’s (kind of) like, “what? No. We should definitely make assumptions and share them with Spencer.” (S: Aria also makes it sound like Spencer was uniquely defensive about a member of her family being falsely accused, when Aria threw a legit temper tantrum over the allegations against her douche canoe father.) Em has to hang up ’cause her mom enters her room with a package. It’s form Not Your Cousin Nate’s family in Chicago. Mama Fields sees Emily’s furrowed brow and thinks maybe she should’ve taken it to the cops. Emily says that would be bad for her new job, which just so happens to be with the LOLPD.
Sara: I bet that’ll come in handy for a future plot line!
Lor: Plus, Emily doesn’t want the police to start doing dumb shit like “asking questions about murders.” That ruins everyone’s lives.
She opens the package and finds a bunch of mementos, including cards from Alison. Emily figures Maya found them and meant to give them back, but wonders why the Not Your Cousin Family would send these things. Mama Fields guesses it was a gesture of good will. Like, “sorry our son tried to kill you and your girlfriend; here are some things to remind you of your dead BFF.” Thanks, Not Your Cousin Family!
Also in the box, Emily finds Alison’s old biology notebook.
Hanna is sitting in the kitchen, icing the wrist she hurt when she was attacked by mannequins. Ashley puts her concerned parent face on (she’s also got a glass of wine in hand) (which is how I plan on doing all of my concerned parenting) and asks Hanna how school is going, what with the girl who threw a car at her walking the halls and all. Hanna gets weirdly defensive since she already has to deal with Caleb trying to protect her from Mona. Ashley asks super valid follow-up questions but Hanna basically tells her to leave it all alone.
Sweeney: This show is mostly so ridiculous that I was kind of caught off guard with how genuine this scene felt to an actual non-negligent parent and their actual melodramatic teenager. Hanna was super annoyed with Ashley for asking her very valid questions. I remember that feeling, “How was your day?” “OMG MOM STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!” and it’s fun to watch now that I am an old person who empathizes with TV parents on teenager shows.
Lor: Adult life.
Papa Montgomery talks to someone on the phone and Aria pretends like she wasn’t eavesdropping. Turns out it was Meredeth’s father. Byron makes sure that Aria still wants to see Meredith treated and not punished. Aria says yes, but also can she be treated in another state? (Legit.) (We all see how Mona’s treatment went. Meredith could be back at Rosewood High for People Who Tried to Kill You by season finale time.) (S: Mariska Mom isn’t even doing her one redeeming quality right – why hasn’t she told these girls to get restraining orders yet? She doesn’t know about Center Stage, but there should absolutely have been a restraining order in place keeping Mona’s crazy ass out of Rosewood High.) Byron promises to keep Meredith away and then tells a story about one time when he did some real parenting and how sucks at that parenting thing now.
Sara: I wonder how often he polishes off that one story to prove to people that he did parent that one time.
Lor: At least at every Christmas dinner.
Aria and Hanna ask Spencer questions about her anniversary dinner and she’s vague, since they don’t yet knew Toby is part of the A team. Hanna thinks something’s up with Caleb and Aria encourages her to be honest. Hanna says that’s cute, considering the huge secret Aria is keeping about from Ezra. Aria finally notices that Spencer is being weird and asks her what’s up. She lies some more about the anniversary dinner and then says she’s skipping out on that day’s 5:00am pre-school coffee date.
Emily shows Hanna and Aria the biology notebook and suggests going to the cops about something I don’t quite follow, but it’s no big deal because this is the second time in 10 minutes of episode someone has suggested going to the cops and someone else is all, “HAHAHA NO.” Hanna finds some notes between Alison and an unidentified person, discussing someone nicknamed The Beach Hottie.
Rosewood High for Free Periods Every Period. Aria leaves a message for Ezra asking if she can meet him in the middle of the day because she has a “free period.” (S: LOL. This is basically all of the periods at that school.) (S: What even is this mythical free period? These did not exist in my school.) Hanna tells Aria not to even wait for that dumb free period and to go over to Ezra’s place now.
Hanna overhears a conversation Paige is having with Caleb. They agree to meet at somewhere at 7pm and Hanna is suspicious.
Emily finds Spencer in the bathroom. Em shows her the Biology Cluebook but Spencer is dismissive. When Em presses, Spencer says that Ali wasn’t loyal to any of them, so why are they still being loyal to her? Emily insist that she read a particular passage that reveals that Ali went to go visit Toby in juvie. We Ali!Back to juvie and… OH MY GOD. APPARENTLY IN JUVIE THEY MAKE YOU WEAR CREEPY DO-RAGS OR SOMETHING. TOBY, NO.
Sweeney: I HAD TO PAUSE THE EPISODE I WAS LAUGHING SO HARD. But then I wished I hadn’t because once I calmed down enough to watch, I had to look away because the secondhand embarrassment was hurting my insides.
Sara: IT’S MY FAVORITE THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED ON THIS SHOW RIGHT AFTER THE JENNA SLAP. OR MAYBE TIED. ALL THE CAPS.
Lor: Alison accuses Toby of being A, but he claims he didn’t write any of the notes. Alison says some evil things about Jenna being blind (aw shit! Remember those days?) (S: ALI, YOU CAN’T MAKE FUN OF BLIND PEOPLE. ESPECIALLY BLIND PEOPLE YOU, PERSONALLY, BLINDED.) and Toby gets in her face:
#significant
In the present, Spencer cries as she confesses to Emily that she and Toby broke up. Emily asks what happened, but Spencer isn’t ready to tell just yet, and asks Em to keep it between them.
In AN ACTUAL CLASSROOM! Spencer is sitting in the back while a group of students have a plot significant discussion. Spencer gets a text message from Aria saying Ezra broke up with her and asking Spen to meet her at the park. She grabs her stuff. Piper Mom stops her and asks if anything is wrong. Spencer says she doesn’t want to be there and also this is like the third actual lesson Rosewood High has taught in three seasons so this place is a waste of her time. Something like that. Piper Mom and the Soundtrack Man are stunned.
Sweeney: I mean, they were in an actual classroom – even Spencer Hastings is still a Pretty Little Liar and therefore incapable of remaining in such a place for more than 60 seconds.
Lor: Spencer finds Ezra in the park and it’s hilarious because Spencer is all, “EZRA, HEY, ENJOYING A NICE DAY AT THE PARK?” Ezra is all, “oh, hey… where did you come from…” and looks around all confused. “WRITING DOWN YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS?” Spencer asks, in the kind of tone you would use if you were asking someone if they murdered any puppies lately.
Sara: Everything about this makes me happy. Ezra’s face in those GIFs is so wonderfully stupid. Love you, Spencer.
Lor: LOLPD Station. Gossip Cop asks Mama Fields how her family is doing and she gives him way more information than the, “good!” reply that question requires. This all leads to Mama Fields asking him if she should be worried that the Not Your Cousin Family has their address. Detective Wilden lets himself into the conversation and says that family shouldn’t be contacting them at all. Wilden offers to ask the NYC Family to send all future correspondence to the police station. Mama Fields looks super uncomfortable as she says she’ll think about it.
Emily is still searching through the Biology Cluebook. She finds a picture of Alison and Cece at some place called Cape May.
Lunchtime. Aria asks the other Liars if they’ve seen Spencer, since rumor is she bailed on her study group. Aria’s got bigger things to worry about, though, because Ezra is standing just outside, demonstrating how easy it is for a sexual predator to walk onto the Rosewood High campus. He storms into the cafeteria and asks why Spencer said he has a son. Aria asks to take the conversation away from the young, impressionable youths. Outside, the conversation doesn’t go well, as Ezra says that he’s supposed to be able to trust her. Aria says he’s right and he broods away.
Sweeney: THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR DATING BABIES, PEDZRA. You guys can’t “share your lives” together when she’s still legally obligated to go to school and live with her parents!
Lor: Babies are obviously going to do spending their life with you WRONG.
Then she gets a text from A: Thought you needed a little push, so I pushed “send” for you. -A
LOLPD Station. I hope this stupid development about Mama Fields working here only lasts an episode, as so many things do, ’cause I’m sick of it already. Wilden tries to make small talk with Mama Fields about bad break room coffee, and then says things sure have changed since when he was growing up in Rosewood. (S: Because “nothing happened” then. LOL. No, they really haven’t. I mean, nothing that any of the adults take seriously anyway, like all the sexual predators and whatnot.) He also says he would totally understand if she considered moving and that also he once killed a man and it haunts him. Cool.
Aria visits Spencer, who is making a sad TV dinner. Spencer knows she’s there to talk about the Ezra thing. Aria says she isn’t there to fight, because she knows A set Spencer up. Spencer says they should stop blaming A when they are the idiots who keep keeping secrets and burning evidence and doing illegal shit. (Something like that.)
That night, Emily meets up with Cece, who remembers the picture from the Biology Cluebook. She doesn’t know who the Beach Hottie is, though. Em asks if Jason would know who he is. Cece says if Jason knew, he would’ve made the Hottie very sorry. This takes us into another Ali!Back. Alison finds Cece, and she’s crying because her period is two weeks late. Cece asks if she’s told “him” but Alison says she can’t, because if he finds out he’ll… KILL HER. #significant
In the present, Cece says she isn’t a doctor or anything, but Alison thought she was pregnant. Two things: 1) lol whut? If you WERE a doctor, would you have collected a urine sample? 2) This reveal would’ve been CRAZY like 2.5 seasons ago, when I still cared about who killed Ali.
Sweeney: I’ve also lost interest in that development, mostly because it’s pretty clear that Ali’s not really dead, but one of the things that gets lost in the PLL’s being played by 20-somethings and even Sasha Pieterse is 18 now – probably only 17 when this was filmed – is that Ali’s like 14. Unexpected pregnancy would scare the shit out of me now, at 26, but holy shit at 14? I spent 95% of the Alibacks thinking about how she was the literal worst and this is the first time in possibly ever that I had actual feels for Ali.
Lor: VERY true. I’m guilty of forgetting the age thing and mostly focusing on how dumb they are.
Aria calls Hanna, but she’s real busy following Paige. We cut there to a bar where it’s ladies night.
Spencer sends someone a message asking if they are willing to meet her that night, though no one can know about it. The Unnamed Contact says they can meet her and no one will know.
Lesbian Bar. Paige is talking very amicably with some girl. Hanna watches, only momentarily distracted when some other girl sends her a drink.
Montgomery Manse. Emily shows up to tell Aria the story of Alison’s maybe pregnancy. Aria thinks they should take this information to the police and Emily agrees this time.
Lesbian Bar. Hanna dances with the girl who bought her a drink to try and hide from Paige. Unfortunately, Drink Buyer has a girlfriend who is not happy with this development, and throws a drink all over Hanna. That catches the attention of security and underaged Hanna is busted.
LOLPD Station. Emily gives her mom the Biology Cluebook and says maybe it will help the police figure out who hurt Ali.
Spencer is in her car trying to control her beautiful crying and pull herself together.
Sweeney: TROIAN CONTINUES TO BE THE BEST FOREVER.
Sara: SHE’S JUST SO BEAUTIFUL, #ICAN’T.
Lor: Back at the station, Emily sees Hanna, who vaguely explains about being busted for underaged drinking when she was technically just holding a drink. Detective Wilden comes over to collect the Biology Cluebook. Hanna and Emily whisper really obviously, considering Wilden is a foot away from them. Wilden says Emily did the right thing, turning it in. Emily wants to go grab a coffee, and en route conveniently!! passes a photo board that has one of Detective Wilden also at Cape May!
Spencer meets up with her Unnamed Contact who turns out to be some sort of Craigslist private detective. She hands over the A key and asks him find out where it leads to. She also has a picture of her and Toby and asks Craigslist Detective to follow him. Spencer rips herself out of the photo and hands it over. Craigslist Detective says he’ll be in touch.
Marin Manor. Ashley questions Hanna about being caught in a lesbian bar and for the most part, Hanna is up front about having followed Paige to see what she and Caleb are up to.
Aria visits Ezra, who she finds packing up his car. He says he and Aria are okay, but he’s clearly struggling with the whole having just found out he has a son thing. He’s leaving that very night to go visit Maggie and Baby Fitz. Aria asks if she can call him while he’s away. He doesn’t answer. He quickly pecks her on the forehead and says they’ll talk soon.
A-nonymous: A girl in a red coat and nicely painted fingernails who is probably not at ALL that random character they introduced suddenly Cece has a collection of bobble heads fashioned after the Liars. She takes a blow torch and burns the Hanna doll, which is weird, especially if she went through on the trouble of having these bobble heads custom made.
No need to be wasteful with your dramatic gestures, y’all.
Next time: There is another memorial for Alison and this time the Liars are all, “SERIOUSLY?” about it in Pretty Little Liars S03 E18 – Dead to Me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something with three kids who spends an embarrassing amount of time watching teen television dramas. There's a whole lot of Internet out there, and I plan on reading all of it before I die.
