Dawson’s Creek S01 E09 – Moping to Savage Garden

Previously: We met Billy, but we liked him better in Center Stage. Also, the Leerys attempted scuba diving.
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Roadtrip

Democracy Diva: The episode begins with the opening chords to Savage Garden’s “Truly Madly Deeply,” so I am already entirely incapable of taking any of this seriously.

Kirsti: Riiiiiiiiiiiiight there with you. Also, I have had that fucking song stuck in my head for DAYS thanks to this episode. Even reading my “Bahahaha, Dawson’s moping to Savage Garden!” notes was enough to get it stuck in my head again.

Diva: In the Shrine O’Spielberg, Joey is telling Dawson to get the fuck over his breakup with Jen already. It’s only been two days, but he hasn’t eaten and he’s rented Sid and Nancy, so he’s clearly taking things too far.

Joey accurately accuses him of getting off on this torture. He accuses Jen of rejecting “romance, honesty, and respect.” Respect? Really? Is that what it’s called when you constantly shame your girlfriend for failing to live up to the impossibly unfair puritanical madonna figure on a pedestal that you have built for her? The worst thing about Dawson isn’t that he’s full of shit; it’s that he truly believes he’s the most honorable man to ever walk the face of the earth.

K: YES. He is the epitome of a Nice Guy. You know, “I put friendship coins into the slot, why won’t she give me sex in return?” irate about the friendzone insanity. With a side of “Hey I just met you and this is crazy, but I’m an amateur movie director so star in my movie and fall in love with me maybe?”

Diva: Preach, K.

Next door, Billy is climbing in Jen’s window. The show tries to differentiate this from when Joey climbs in Dawson’s window by playing aggressive music in the background, but everyone climbing in through windows is creepy.

K: Creeps and burglars. And also window cleaners, which may or may not come under the first category. I also feel the need to point out that this is the second of two episodes written by Rob Thomas of VMars fame. 

Diva: Not to be confused with Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20 fame.

Anyway, Billy ups the creep factor by laying in Jen’s bed and waiting for Grams to walk in. Grams quite understandably freaks at the site of him. Billy tells Jen that he heard she’s single, so he didn’t feel the need to leave town just yet. She explains that she didn’t dump Dawson for Billy, and there’s no void she’s looking to fill. Billy’s all, but you used to be fun! Jen: “No. I used to be weak and vulnerable.” BOOM. #micdrop

Dawson sees Billy and is pissed that he’s still in town. They both might have lost Jen, but at least she didn’t leave the state to flee from Dawson, he says. Billy’s all, just you wait. Anyway, they start bonding over mutual Jen heartache, and Billy invites Dawson to a club in Providence that will be overflowing with college girls. Dawson’s all, but I’m underage, but I have school, but of course he agrees to go along, if only so that Jen will wonder where he is for a change.

Joey is walking to school when a guy in a letterman jacket named Warren pulls up to her in his Jeep. He is also Jesse, who might actually be the first person who gets turned into a vampire on Buffy! Good times.

K: My notes say exactly the same thing. Great minds and all that… 

Diva: We’re awesome.

Anyway, Warren offers Joey a ride, and she gets in after they inexplicably joke about Ted Bundy. Of course, as soon as she’s in, he starts living up to the gross jock stereotype and talking about her nipples. She basically tells him she wouldn’t fuck him even if it would save the world, which seems a little bit selfish. Warren refers to Dawson as her boyfriend, and she’s all, big bag of nope to that. Warren also (accurately) assumes Joey is a virgin. She pretends like she and Dawson are having all the crazy sex, for like a second, until she concedes that she is a virgin, but by choice.

K: Okay, but like this entire town is OBSESSED with who’s a virgin and who isn’t. Maybe it’s because I went to an all girls’ school, but I honestly can’t remember having a single conversation about someone’s virginity. Although considering my idea of a raging good time on a Saturday night was watching Hercules and Xena in sweatpants, I may not be the most appropriate sample size here.

Diva: It was certainly a topic of conversation, but there wasn’t a school-wide bulletin of who’s a virgin and who’s not like Capeside seems to have.

Capeside High of Sexual Politics. Why did Billy and Dawson drop by the high school before heading to Providence? So that they can run into Pacey and invite him along. And so that Dawson can turn in his math homework, because he is not nearly as dangerous as he wants to be. (K: I also stop to laugh hysterically because there’s a clock in the background and THEY’RE GOING TO A NIGHTCLUB AT 7.50AM) (D: LOL, good luck with that, boys.)

Anyway, they run into Jen, who can’t even believe Billy is STILL in town. He says he’s taking the boys on a little road trip, because Dawson (who has now left the conversation to polish his boy scout badge or something) needs to get laid, and they’re off to a friendly little whore house in Providence. When the guys walk away, Billy reassures Pacey that they’re just going to a club, but Jen and Joey really think Dawson Leery is going to have sex with a prostitute. Uh, have they met him? Left alone, Jen pulls Joey aside to ask her a serious question: did she have sex with Warren? Because he’s telling the whole school that she did. Ugh, fuck this dude. I liked him better as a vampire.

K: And even when we didn’t like him, Xander was on hand to turn him into dust.

Diva: Word. Cut to the boys on a boat. Wait, where is Billy’s car? Whatever. Pacey’s preaching to Dawson about how it’s okay that he’s not dangerous. He’s the Richie Cunningham, and he likes being the Richie Cunningham. And Billy is the Fonz, obviously. Dawson gets in a rare fantastic zinger when he tells Pacey, “Congratulations. That makes you Potsie.” Accurate, and hilarious.

Cafeteria. Joey pulls Warren aside to ask what the balls is wrong with him. He says that this lie can be a win for both of them – it’ll improve his reputation and put her in the “major leagues.” She’d rather stick to A-ball than play with the likes of Warren, so he yells for the whole caf to hear that he never wanted to be her boyfriend. Everyone laughs at Joey, and she runs out, but Jen follows her because she’s a good friend even though Joey is like always awful to her. (K: A+) Jen tells her that she knows Joey would never sleep with Warren, because she should be with someone like… well, she doesn’t say Dawson’s name, but everyone’s thinking it. Joey says that even the sensitive ones let you down. Definitely true in Dawson’s case, because he is sensitive to his own feelings and no one else’s. Anyway, Jen has an idea for how to get some revenge on Warren.

Boy Talk Boat. The boat is actually a ferry that moves cars, so that does explain how they’re getting Billy’s car to Providence. But it does not explain why this episode is called Roadtrip when it’s actually a boat trip, or why Roadtrip is one word instead of two. They’re still discussing Dawson’s Richie Cunningham tendencies, but Pacey says sometimes friendship means doing stupid shit together. Meanwhile, some Drunk Dudes are harassing a bunch of old ladies. Billy wants to slash their tires, but Dawson has a better idea and asks if they’ve seen American Graffiti.

K: DUDE, NO. Also, I’ve seen American Graffiti, and it’s basically the car racing parts of Grease without the singing or actual plot. #sorrynotsorry

Diva: Capeside High copy machine. Abby Morgan comes in and there is no mention of the fact that they both photocopied their butts in this room like two weeks ago. When Abby mentions the Warren rumors, Joey bursts into tears and gives her a heartbreaking confession of their love affair. Warren won her a stuffed frog and cried when they made love… until Joey told him she was pregnant, when he ditched her completely. Joey’s commitment to this story is hilarious and all kinds of awesome. Abby is horrified, and runs off to tell the rest of the school about it. I’m impressed, because I thought Jen’s big revenge plan was just going to be to tell everyone he has a micropenis, but this is way better. (K: RIGHT?! Four for you, Jen Lindley)

Boy Talk Boat. Dawson is hiding under Drunk Dudes’ car, hooking it on to a chain attached to a rope or something. While Drunk Dude is pouring his beer over an old lady’s windshield, because he is both rude and wasteful, the boys hop in Billy’s car and drive away.

 As the ferry docks and the cars start pulling out, Pacey moons the Drunk Dudes. When they speed up to chase Pacey, the chain and rope tear the tires right off their car. Billy, Pacey, and Dawson drive off laughing and cheering.

K: Less the tyres and more the ENTIRE BACK AXLE. Because, you know, massive  destruction of personal property is tooooootally hilarious.

Diva: They were mean to old people, so they obviously deserve to die!

Cut to te Pool Room, which is a club and not a whorehouse in Providence. (It could have gone either way with Billy.) Also, I have to note how absurdly hairy Billy’s chest is. His neck is completely shaved, though, so he looks like he’s wearing a fur necklace.

Capeside High. Librarian pulls Joey aside to try and get her enrolled in the school’s family planning course. Yeah, I’m sure that’ll help. Joey bails. Then we see a bumper sticker on Warren’s locker that says this:

Who was in charge of the capitalization for this bumper sticker? I need to have some words with them. Also, someone just happened to have this in their bag and decide it would make for some good graffiti? Whatever. Warren opens his locker and finds a baby doll, baby shoes, a baby bottles, etc. Again, this is all supposed to be the same day, so all these high school students just have all this baby shit in their backpacks? I CALL BULLSHIT, SHOW.

K: Shhhhhhhh, don’t poke the contrivance-laden plot holes, Diva. Just revel in the fact that at least it’s not as bad as the time Pacey and Tamara’s relationship went from secret to meeting of the school board in the space of like five hours… I’m more concerned about the fact that it’s still the middle of the school day in Capeside, but it’s night time in Providence. Also the fact that it took them an entire day to drive from Massachusetts to Rhode Island. Because I just checked Google Maps, and even if they drove from the border of New Hampshire, it would only take an hour and a half to get to Providence. Whatever, show, whatever.

Diva: So many contrivances, so little time.

Over at the Not Whorehouse, Billy is giving Dawson Barney Stinson-esque pick-up techniques. Dawson spies a girl in a film tee shirt and gives her a try. He stutters an introduction, and she blows him off at first, and then lets him word-vomit at her for like eleven hours. Seriously. SO MUCH WORD VOMIT. Meanwhile, Pacey’s striking out, but Dawson and his new friend Nina get to talking about movies.

Jen’s house. Joey is literally creeping outside her window and tapping on it even though the door is like six feet away. What is your deal, Joey? Anyway, she tells Jen she wants to stop lying about her and Warren, because now Librarian is involved. Jen insists that he deserves all this because he disrespected her, and Joey gets the feeling that Jen’s doing this more for her own revenge than for her love of Joey. So naturally, Joey accuses Jen of driving Dawson into the arms of a prostitute. Jen fights back, saying that Joey’s just terrified because now that Dawson is single, she can’t blame anyone else when he still treats her like one of the guys.

Not Whorehouse. Nina can’t believe Dawson likes Spielberg, and even worse, that he equates box office returns with artistic merit.

K: I laugh and laugh because Dawson’s such a condescending little shit in film class, and yet when he meets another film buff, he gets instantly berated and it is amazing.

Diva: I’m on Team Anyone Berating Dawson. Meanwhile, Billy tries to ruin everything by saying there’s chocolate milk at the bar for Dawson, but he makes a Columbus joke about Nina’s name, which she happened to tell Dawson she hated like ten minutes earlier. She ignores Billy and asks Dawson if he wants to get out of there, leaving Billy alone with his fur necklace.

Outside, Dawson word-vomits even more, which I did not know was possible. She basically tells him she’s not about to sleep with him when his friends were basically holding up scorecards over his shoulder. (K: Also because she’s like 25) He starts to explain that he just got dumped, but that he really did forget about his misery for awhile when they were talking. To impress his buddies, Nina invites him to come over and fall asleep in front of her TV. Dawson says it wouldn’t be right to have a completely nonsexual night with Nina when he still likes Jen, which doesn’t make sense to me, but apparently restores Nina’s faith in the male sex. They have a goodbye kiss and she tells Dawson to call her if Jen doesn’t come to her senses.

K: Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh. NINA, NO. 

Diva: RUN, NINA, RUN.

Capeside High. Abby tells Jen that she knows Joey’s lying about being pregnant, because it turns out Warren can’t get it up in the first place. When Jen delivers this news to Joey, she looks like Christmas came early.

K: SERIOUSLY, SHE DOES:

Diva: Not Whorehouse. Dawson’s back, and Billy says some bullshit about women being a Beatles/Stones debate – do you want to hold her hand, or sleep with her? Dawson’s getting upset and Pacey recognizes the awkwardness and tries to get them all to leave. Instead, Dawson yells at Billy for bringing him to this Not Whorehouse just so he could tell Jen about all the bad things Dawson did. Oh, and if Billy really cared about Jen, he’d stay away from her. Billy cracks up, because that’s exactly what Jen’s dad said to him before he shipped Jen away. Since Dawson clearly thinks Billy’s such a loser, he throws some cash down and peaces out, leaving Dawson and Pacey stranded in Providence.

Capeside High. Joey and Warren are in a completely deserted hallway, for some reason. He tells her that they should get rid of this lie by making it the truth. Joey’s all, well, you can’t get it up anyway. And one person’s already talking about your limp dick, so if I agree with her, your dating life is basically over. Warren wants to know what Joey wants, and that is complete and utter denial. Then he has the balls to ask her out, and she’s like, DUDE, NO.

K: I mean, she’s already established that you can’t get it up. And that you’re a rumour-spreading asshat. Why would you even ask?! 

Diva: Joey knocks on Jen’s door, like normal humans do. She brought cookie dough ice cream to make amends. Jen doesn’t want Dawson to come between them, and Joey says he won’t, because he’s only in love with one of us. Jen tells her she’s right, but it’s clear she means that Joey is the one he loves. Jen says she’s just the object of his infatuation. So they sit eating their ice cream and thinking about Dawson losing his virginity to a Providence prostitute.

K: But also, when Joey turns up, Jen is sitting in the screen porch reading by the light of like six candles. Which is weird. And also impractical because I suspect the wind would blow the candles out in like two seconds. And also, surely it’s November by now?! How have they all not frozen to death, sitting around on screen porches and bus stops??

Diva: This show clearly exists in some sort of mystical, other-world.

Savage Garden is playing again, because this episode is actively trying to get me to laugh my ass off at all the most sincere moments. Joey is of course waiting in Dawson’s room for him when he gets home, because that’s what creepers do. She wants to know what happened and he’s all, I just need to sleep first because this day has been like 4000 years long. She says she can wait, and he falls asleep while she just sits there, watching him.

Um, it’s like still daylight out and he hasn’t slept in 24 hours. Are you just gonna hang there all night and watch him sleep? Joey, you need a hobby.

K: Also, did his parents not notice that their 16 year old son just DIDN’T COME HOME OVERNIGHT??? And why is Joey wearing a tank top? And why is the window open when we just established that it’s probably November by now?! I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS, DAMMIT. 

Next time on Dawson’s Creek: It’s a recipe for disaster when Dawson arranges a double date with Jen and her new boyfriend Cliff in S1 E10 – Double Date.