Previously: Dawson was a douchebag who read Joey’s diary and forgot Pacey’s birthday. Also, Jen got shitfaced on a very small quantity of booze.
—
Alternative Lifestyles
Kirsti: Leery Manor. Mitch pulls down the ladder to Dawson’s bedroom, telling Dawson that he’s just taking precautions against late night creeping around. Dawson tells his father that he’s just in denial about the fact that his kid is “a sexual being.” I throw up in my mouth. Mitch asks if he and Joey are having sex, and Dawson replies that they aren’t but biologically they can. I throw up some more because EW NO. He says that Mitch needs to accept that someday, his son will have sex and stop locking windows and removing ladders because it won’t do any good. He follows that up with the notion that Mitch should just let him and Joey hang out alone in his room. Mitch is all “LOL NOPE” and leaves. Joey steps out of the closet (LOL) and starts kissing Dawson.
Democracy Diva: Didn’t Dawson just spend the entire last episode being all EW EW EW NO whenever his parents mentioned sex to him? Why is he now incapable of discussing anything else with them?
K: Because now he has a chance at actually having sex and he wants everyone to know it??
Mitch bursts back in and Dawson tries to act surprised about Joey’s presence. Mitch rolls his eyes and tells Joey it’s time to leave before grounding Dawson.
I DON’T WANNA WAIT.
After the credits, we’re at Joey’s the following morning. Bessie enternounces frantically that the Health Department will be inspecting the Icehouse sometime during the week and begs Joey to go over there and make sure everything’s neat and tidy. Joey’s all “Um, SCHOOL??” but Bessie insists it will only take a minute. Joey reluctantly agrees and turns to go, Bessie calling out extra “please make sure this is clean too!” comments after her. Joey glares a little before walking away.
Over at Leery Manor, Mitch greets Dawson with, “well, if it isn’t the sexual being himself!” and I laugh forever and ever, because that’s a thing that totally deserves to be thrown back in Dawson’s face regularly. (D: I hope Mitch says this every time his son walks into the room from now until the end of time.) (K: ME TOO.) Anyway, Dawson calls bullshit, saying that surely Mitch was sneaking around and making out with girls at the same age. Mitch says that he was, but that the fear of getting caught was what made it fun. Or, you know, MORTIFYING?!?!?! Whatever. Dawson’s all “Oh, cool, so you’re trying to spice up my sex life? AWESOME!!” Aaaaand we’re back to throwing up in my mouth again. Mitch orders him to go to school.
After Dawson’s gone, Mitch turns to Gail and says that Dawson’s become a master of manipulation. “I wonder where he learnt that…” Gail replies, and BURN. High five, Gail.
Diva: LOL. Gail’s BOOM face is unbelievably awesome.
K: Mitch gets all offended, saying that the idea of an open marriage is just an idea and if it’s going to be a huge fucking deal and cause them to fight all the time, they should just drop it. She’s relieved and heads to work. Mitch’s face says he’s not really okay with dropping it.
Capeside High. Abby points out a couple of jocks and asks Jen which one she’d rather sleep with. Jen says neither because EW FOOTBALL PLAYERS. You’re just saying that because Tim Riggins hadn’t been invented yet, Jen. (D: I am not into football players and have only seen the first season of Friday Night Lights, but YUUUP +1 to that.) “God, I can’t believe I’m friends with someone who only has eyes for Dawson Leery…” Abby says. Legit, girl. I wouldn’t want that either. But she goes on to say that if Jen wants Dawson so badly, she should make it happen. Jen smirks.
In the hall, Andie rushes up to Pacey and asks if she can borrow his notes on their reading for Economics. He tells her that he didn’t do the reading, and she looks horrified. “Don’t give me the homework guilt trip, alright? That’s what I have parents for,” he says. She panics, asking what she’s meant to do if the teacher calls on her in class. Pacey tells her to just say pass, and she word vomits about how saying pass on one question leads to a spiral of doom that ends in homelessness and alcoholism. “Andie, you’re rich. Rich people don’t end up in the street, they end up in Florida…” Pacey replies. The bell rings and she word vomits her way to class.
In class, the teacher asks Andie for the difference between macroeconomics and microeconomics. She dithers through an attempt at an answer, then passes. A nerdy boy next to Andie gives a college textbook answer, and the teacher tells them their assignment for the week: the microeconomics of a household. “This week you’re going to pair up and play a little game I like to call “Alternative Lifestyles”.” OH, HEY. HAVE A GOLD STAR, RANDOM TEACHER!!
He tells them that they’re going to draw the pairs out of a hat and draw up an annual budget, backed up by research trips. Andie gets paired with Pacey and they’re told they have blue collar jobs and three kids. Abby’s paired with the nerdy boy. The jocks get paired together and freak when the teacher tells them they’re a white collar gay couple. Dawson gets paired with Jen, and they get dumped with two college age kids and an annual income of $400,000. Jen’s thrilled while Dawson looks like his puppy just died.
Diva: I full-on cackled at that those captions. Jen has a permanent come-hither face on basically this entire episode, and it’s… uncomfortable to watch.
K: RIGHT? Girl, tone it down a few notches. Joey is left on her own, a single mother of two. Womp womp.
In the cafeteria, Joey bitches to Dawson about the pointless nature of their assignment. She says that it’s making her think too much about the future and how she has zero idea of what she wants to do with her life. Unlike Dawson Film-Director-Or-Die Leery. (D: Joey, you’re FIFTEEN. You so do not need to be even close to knowing what you want to do with your life yet. Maybe concentrate on like, getting a driver’s license and worry about the Life/Career Choices thing later on.) She tells him that when she closes her eyes and pictures the future, it’s blank. You and me both, girl. “This project is just going to depress me,” she says. Dawson thinks it’ll be fun, and Joey asks if he’s excited to work with Jen. But he reassures her that there’s nothing to worry about. Jen walks in and stares at them as we fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Jen stares at Dawson moonily as she sits down to lunch with Abby. Abby tells her that this assignment is her chance to “grab him by the dipstick and make me proud.” DUDE, NO. Jen says it’s not that simple because Dawson’s in love with Joey. She watches them smooch. “He’s a 15-year-old boy! He doesn’t know what love is. All he does know is that he goes to sleep every night jerkin’ his gherkin and he wakes up every morning humping his mattress,” Abby replies. And OH MY GOD, I LOVE ABBY. She’s a total bitch but she gets the best lines. She and Jen crack up over the one above.
Diva: Abby also has the uncanny ability to make “jerkin’ the gherkin” sound like an actual thing that teenagers say, which is impressive, since I don’t think most American teens even know what a gherkin is. (I had a feeling it was a type of pickle, but I had to google it to be sure.)
K: Part of me now hopes that “jerkin’ the gherkin” spread through American schools like wildfire after this episode.
Kenny – the nerdy guy – approaches and asks Abby when she wants to work on their assignment. She tells him to just write it and put her name on it. He leaves looking confused. Abby turns back to Jen and tells her that she needs to break out naughty New York Jen to win Dawson back, and role playing as husband and wife is the perfect opportunity. Jen looks thoughtful.
Cut to the Icehouse that evening. Jack’s mopping the floor by tipping a bucket of water across it and trying to mop it up.
Diva: It’s kind of a sloppy “LOOK HOW DUMB RICH KIDS ARE!” moment. Like, yes, Jack might not have ever mopped before, but he exists in a world where mops exists. Even if he never saw his housekeeper mopping, he would have seen a janitor on TV or in a movie at some point in his life, right? He has to know at least the basic principles involved in mopping.
K: Seriously. Joey walks in and is all “Dude, WTF??” He apologises, and she takes over, sending him to wipe counters. Bessie walks in and asks if there’s a flood. Legit. Joey asks if they can leave the clean up until the next day, but Bessie says the Health Department still hasn’t been so LOL NOPE. Joey begs time off to do her assignment, which is worth a third of her grade. I continue to be perplexed by the American education system. (D: So do I, and I lived through it.) Bessie offers to help, on account of she’s a single mother who runs a business and has to budget, but Joey decides she should ask a SUCCESSFUL single woman for help. Bessie looks hurt.
In a coffee shop, Pacey stares at pictures of sports cars while Andie informs him that they’re already $30,000 over budget. She says they should get a four bedroom house, seeing as they have three kids, and he scoffs that kids don’t need their own rooms. Andie decides that they should go and look at two bedroom apartments for real to get an idea of what they can afford.
Cut to Leery Manor, where Mitch is sanding the paint off an old boat. (D: This is not a euphemism for masturbation. This is literally what he is doing.) A car pulls up, and Gail gets out. She kisses the male driver, then heads towards Mitch, telling him that her car wouldn’t start so she got a lift with “Frank from Accounting.” Mitch asks why she didn’t call, and she says that she thought this would be easier. He says that he doesn’t trust her not to be a cheatery cheater again and basically demands an open marriage. He tells her that from now on, Thursday night is date night, and they can do whatever they want with whoever they want as long as they’re honest about it. Okay, pressuring someone into something isn’t exactly promoting trust, dude…
Diva: Stupidest part of this stupid conversation: Mitch says that by taking away the rules about sex, he can take away the need to trust Gail. Um, I’m pretty sure that no matter how many other people you’re fucking, you still need to be able to trust the person you are living with, sharing all your finances with, and raising a giant-foreheaded teenager with.
K: EXACTLY.
Jen’s room. Dawson says they should send their kids to state school because it’s cheaper. Jen laughs and says that maybe 20 years from now, they’ll actually be having this conversation for real. (D: In twenty years, you hopefully will not have college-aged children, because that would mean you’re going to start procreating approximately RIGHT NOW. #babieshavingbabies) Dawson says they should call a travel agent and price check how much it’ll cost to have a winter vacation somewhere warm. He asks if they should take their hypothetical kids, and Jen says it’s more romantic to go alone. “Well, Dawson, we’ve agreed on practically every aspect of married life, I don’t think we could be more compatible!” she grins. Dawson just raises an eyebrow. Jen leans her head on his shoulder and says she’s glad they can still hang out like nothing’s changed.
Dawson awkwardly says that they’ve done enough work for one night. Jen tells him that her door is always open, especially for him. He looks twitchy and leaves.
Diva: Probably because she adds an “if you know what I mean” to the door-being-open comment. Like, yeah, girl, we knew what you meant. It was pretty fucking obvious, even before you added that last bit.
K: Cut to Andie and Pacey’s apartment hunting expedition. It’s a total dive. Pacey demands to know why they’re still looking at apartments when their assignment is due the following day and they still haven’t written anything. She snaps that she’s sorry she’s not the biggest slacker on the planet, like he is, and he yells that she doesn’t know him at all. When she tells him to enlighten her, he does:
“Okay, you want the broken record? Here it is. Since before the dawn of time, I have been designated the black sheep of my family. This label is permanent. I can’t erase it, and I can’t trade it in for a new one. I could bring home an ‘A’ in econ. or an ‘F’. I could bring home the Nobel Peace Prize and it wouldn’t make the slightest bit of difference. So Miss Perky, you try growing up in a family atmosphere like that and see if you can stay motivated.”
Excuse me while I have Pacey feels. Andie does too. (D: So do I.) She apologises, and he snaps that the reason she got so into the assignment was because she was dealing with problems that she’d never experienced in her life and never would. He calls her spoilt, and she storms off.
Meanwhile, Joey’s found her successful single mother. I know her as Dr. Saroyan from Bones, but we last saw her around Traumaland as Little River Tam’s teacher in Serenity. Joey says that she must have been pretty ambitious to build a successful business on her own, and Laura replies that a few years ago, she was the quintessential housewife. Then she decided to go back to school, and now she’s teaching art and has her own interior design company. She asks Joey to look over the floor plans for a chain of Mexican restaurants they’re designing, and LOOK, PEOPLE. THIS SHIT IS ARCHITECTURE, NOT INTERIOR DESIGN. JFC. (D: THIS BOTHERED ME TOO. My mom is an interior designer. She designs couches and dining tables and rugs, not buildings.) Anyway, Joey points out that they have the bar and the kitchen at opposite ends of the restaurant and that’s a terrible idea because service staff have to walk all over the place. Laura asks if she can pick Joey’s brains about some other designs, and Joey looks pleased.
Diva: Awesome for Joey, but shouldn’t a woman as successful as Laura have someone on her staff who can think of these kinds of things?
K: YOU WOULD THINK. But no. She turns to a 15 year old.
Coffee shop. Jen tells Abby that nothing’s happened with Dawson yet. Kenny’s sitting at the next table, and bitches at Abby for not doing her share of their assignment. She tells him she has a very demanding social life, and tells Jen that Joey’s a J. Crew catalogue while Jen’s a sex kitten. She needs to up her game, wear a slinky dress, and just go for it. Jen says that Abby’s right: “Might as well put the final nail in my coffin of shame, what have I got to lose?” Oof. DUDE, NO.
Leery Manor. Gail lights candles on the kitchen table and tells Mitch that dinner’s ready. He tells her that it’s Thursday so he made other plans, and leaves. Gail sad pandas. Out on the porch, Joey asks Dawson if he wants to go help her clean at the Icehouse. He says he can’t because he has to work on his project with Jen. (D: And probably because cleaning up the Icehouse sounds like the opposite of fun.) Joey sing-songs that hers is already finished, and gushes about Laura, who said Joey could intern at her company any time. It made her realise that she could have her own business someday. Gail comes out and tells Dawson to tell Mitch that she’s gone out because it’s Thursday. Dawson’s all “…………okay??” and Gail leaves.
Joey says they should take advantage of the lack of supervision, and they kiss. But they’re interrupted by Jen. Joey heads out, snarkily complimenting Jen’s dress as she goes. Jen suggests that she and Dawson should work somewhere where they can be comfortable like, for instance, Dawson’s bedroom. She heads inside, and Dawson makes this face:
Icehouse. The two jocks bicker over their car choices. Joey tells Bessie that she spoke to Laura about their financial problems, and Bessie’s all “DUDE, WTF”, which is totally legit. Joey gushes about Laura and how she offered to design a new logo for the Icehouse for free. Bessie has no fucks to give because she thought Joey would be there to help hours ago, and now they have a ton of cleaning to do before the Health Department arrives in the morning. Joey snaps that she’s not Bessie’s “full time slave,” and she’s sick of dealing with Bessie’s errands and phone calls and baby. Bessie yells at Joey to get out. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Pacey heads into the Icehouse. Jack tells him they’re closed, but Pacey begs a cup of coffee and asks if Andie’s on any medication, because obviously that’s the only reason why you’d storm off after being called a rich spoilt brat. Jack tells him that Andie’s the total opposite of that, and the reason he’s working at the Icehouse is because they’re not rich any more. He doesn’t want to get into the details, but he tells Pacey to give Andie a break. Cut to Gail spending her free night drinking coffee alone. Cut to Mitch at a bar, ogling girls half his age but not approaching any of them.
Shrine o’ Spielberg. Jen lounges on Dawson’s bed while he works on the computer. He announces that they’re done, and she walks over to him and starts rubbing his shoulders. (D: And basically just awkwardly resting her breasts on the back of his neck.) He says he doesn’t need a massage, and she heads back over to the bed, saying she’s too tired to go home. She asks if she can crash there, and he says she can’t. She’s surprised and says that Joey’s been putting ideas in his head. He gets judgey, saying that her outfit isn’t typical study session material. Jen starts “If you can’t handle being in the same room as me…“, and Dawson interrupts with “I can handle being in the same room with you. I just can’t handle you throwing yourself at me every other second. I mean, don’t you find it humiliating?” God, I hate this character so fucking much. He’s just the worst. UGH. Anyway, this is Jen’s response:
Diva: My notes here simply read “#sisterfeels” so, YUP.
K: Economics class. The teacher asks for their assignment, and the two jocks share with the class that theirs includes a wedding with close family and friends. Snaps to Dawson’s Creek for including same sex marriage in a serious way like 15 years before it was legally a thing! (D: And snaps to these jocks for becoming awesome characters by the end of this episode, while only having like three lines of dialogue each. Seriously, where is their spin-off?) (K: YES.) Kenny tells the teacher that Abby didn’t help at all and spent all week verbally abusing him. Abby says it’s a lie, and the teacher tells them he hopes they budgeted for marriage counselling. He asks for Andie’s project, and she hands over a couple of sheets of paper. Pacey rushes in late, and hands over a big folder, saying it’s his and Andie’s project. The teacher says it looks great, and Andie looks surprised and grateful.
Outside school that afternoon, Dawson says he’s thrilled the project is over. Joey said she liked it, and he teases her about climbing the corporate ladder some day. They kiss, and Abby, walking past with Jen, tells them to get a room. Andie rushes out after Pacey and thanks him for his work. He apologises for what he said the day before and tells her he spoke to Jack. She refers to her life as “a Movie of the Week“, and asks if he worked out their budget so that he could get the sports car. He says he did, and she eyerolls that having a sports car means their family is in a two bedroom apartment. He corrects her – a ONE bedroom apartment. But it’s okay because “the family that lays together stays together.” They wander off, trading good natured verbal jabs. From a convertible, TAMARA WATCHES THEM LIKE A CREEPER.
Sorry, Diva. Looks like you get the return of the pedolationship…
Diva: This ending would be terrible in any stretch of the imagination, but I laughed for like ten straight minutes when the camera cut to a rear-view mirror reflection of Tamara wearing totally sketchy sunglasses. It was clearly meant to be SUCH A DRAMATIC MOMENT, but I was too busy crying laughing to notice. Oops.
Next time on Dawson’s Creek: Tamara’s back in S02 E04 – Tamara’s Return.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
