Veronica Mars S02 E03 – Being bad at money stuff

Previously: Veronica investigated the driver of the bus crash, and there’s a dead body with Veronica’s name on it. Literally.
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Cheatty Cheatty Bang Bang

Democracy Diva: We begin with a Veronica Voice-Over about the magic of senior year. Tis the season of college applications, so Veronica needs to pad her resume with a non-crime-solving-related activity. I’m not sure why – the crime-solving thing would probably look way more attractive to an admissions officer than the stupid FBLA. But that doesn’t get us anywhere, plot-wise, so welcome to the Future Business Leaders of America, Veronica Mars!

Lorraine: I mean, the crime-solving thing did get us plenty of places plot-wise, but we need to get a little creative these days. New reasons to solve crime everyone: extra-curricular activities.

Sweeney: Weird personal sidebar: I was in FBLA in high school (a fact which makes no sense when set against all other facts about me in high school except that I, too, needed to pad a college resume) and in my senior year I made it to the state competition in some speaking events. The opening session included a short “FBLA’S AMAZING” video that included this Veronica Mars clip. FUN TIMES.

Diva: I LOVE THIS STORY.

Anyway, an eager teacher introduces the FBLA’s guest, businessman Dick Casablancas Sr. It should be noted that I googled his name to make sure it was, in fact, Dick Sr., and the first result calls him RICHARD “BIG DICK” CASABLANCAS. I’m going to go ahead and LOLFOREVER. Any-giggles, a VVO answers our question as to why Veronica is hanging out with the Future Benefactors of Highly-Paid Escorts of America, (L: A+) and the answer is Duncan. They kiss and joke about exploiting workers; Logan basically barfs at this and so do I. And poor Cassidy cannot seem to get a modicum of attention from his father. Because his father is a BIG DICK.

Big Dick (sorry, I’m never calling him anything else) (L: We would never expect it.) gives a lecture about real estate investment trusts that I’m sure is important to the plot but it’s too boring to pay attention to. Cassidy loses some points by expressing shock that Veronica has joined FBLA. Not because she’s poor or because it’s full of douches, but because she’s a GIRL. And everyone knows girl’s brains aren’t big enough to handle concepts like business! (L: UNLESS IT’S SEX BUSINESS! Just kidding. That’s why there’s pimps.) Cassidy is worried about his dad, because his stepmom  rolls with vampires is a cheating gold-digger. He tells Veronica about the condom wrapper he found in the living room, and V says it could belong to Dick Jr. (L: Or, Little Dick. Sorry. So many parenthesis.) Cassidy offers her $500 for photographic evidence of Cordelia cheating on Big Dick; V accepts, but not before haggling him up to $1,000, because she IS a Future Business Leader of America.

Sweeney: SO THERE, COLLEGE ADMISSIONS PEOPLE!

Diva: Over at the sheriff’s office, Deputy Lamb sits Veronica down in an office. “You wanna tell me about it?” he asks, but she has no idea what he’s talking about because she didn’t see the dead body with her name on it at the end of the last episode. Lamb reminds her that because she’s eighteen, he doesn’t have to tell her father that he brought her in. He asks what her relationship with David “Curly” Moran is, but she’s clueless. Then she remembers seeing him at the memorial site of the bus crash. Lamb shows her an earring that was found at the last place he was seen and tells us Curly was beaten to death.

C’MON NOW SUGAR! And in true Sweeney style, I am resisting the urge to dance to this song while blogging on a train.

Sweeney: You blog on the train a lot. Do you find yourself making the people around you uncomfortable? I’m going to go ahead and assume you do for the sake of uniformity in our mass transit blogging tags. We’re very organized and professional that way.

Diva: I am constantly making fellow train-riders uncomfortable! And even if I wasn’t, I would lie for the sake of the tag, because I am nothing if not dedicated to our professionalism.

Keith is cooking dinner for Alicia and invites her to come to Chicago with him. His book cracked the New York Times best-seller list (am I allowed to be proud of a fictional character? Because I am) and he’s got a book signing in the Windy City. They are perfect and lovey-dovey until Veronica comes in, and pretends that she wasn’t just mildly interrogated by the police about a dead body with her name on it.

Veronica does some research on Cordelia (whose name is Kendall, but if you think I’m calling a Buffy actor by anything other than their Buffy character name, then you don’t know me at all).

Lor: IT WAS SO HARD. I had to do a find replace at the end of my last post.

Sweeney: I experienced this struggle in reverse, desperately wanting to refer to Cordelia as Kendall. Which is weird because I’m now in the opposite position. I CAN’T KEEP TRACK OF THIS. YOUR CAREERS CAN ONLY HAVE ONE ROLE THAT IS IMPORTANT TO ME. SORRY, ACTORS.

Diva: BUFFY DEFINES THE LIVES OF ALL ITS ACTORS. Ahem.

Veronica also researches Curly, who has a criminal record. She’s trying to figure out how he’s connected to her when Keith walks in and wants to know what’s going on. She says she’ll show him – if he tells her what his plans are with Alicia. She’s convinced he’s going to propose to her in Chicago. Keith insists that no, even though this is a television show, it really has not been long enough for him to propose yet. Since Veronica got the answer out of him, she offers him her secret – which is that she loves unicorns. Keith, I can’t believe you fell for that one.

V starts following Cordelia, which is so easy, I can’t even believe she’s getting paid for this. V is just standing around in public, not hiding behind anything at all, with a giant creeper’s camera, following Cordy everywhere she goes, and NO ONE NOTICES. She watches Cordy meet with a young-ish guy and follows them to a motel room. Cordy and Young Guy Who Is Actually Not THAT Young But Nicknames Are Hard go in and close the blinds.

At lunch, Wallace invites Jackie (AKA that girl who was needlessly rude about macchiatos) to sit with him and Veronica.

Veronica plays nice at Wallace’s insistence, and Jackie apologizes for her earlier rudeness. She complains about having to read Pride and Prejudice, so they plan a double-date (Veronica, Duncan, Jackie, and Wallace) to watch the BBC version with Colin Firth.

Lor: I love P&P and was ready to give them all crap, but I equally love that BBC mini-series. It’s what I watch whenever I’m spending time sick in bed. #truestory

Diva: I’m going to have to get on that because Colin Firth is delicious, like a British pastry. But more delicious.

Cassidy meets Veronica at work, where she hands him the photos of Cordelia meeting with Young Guy and closing the blinds in the motel room of one of Big Dick’s properties. Cassidy says this isn’t enough proof, and points out that Cordy swapped gym bags with Young Dude. Veronica asks for another hundred bucks for “expenses” (FBLA champion, this one) but insists she’ll get the money shot. She hands him a drive to load Cordy’s music onto. Meanwhile, Veronica stops by Symbolic, the motor company where Curly worked. She pretends to be his niece and asks if Curly ever mentioned her. He didn’t, but he did leave behind a box full of crap, which includes a photo of Curly with Aaron Echolls. Aaron signed it with a personal message, not just a celebrity autograph.

At FBLA club, Logan moves his seat so that Veronica and Duncan can sit together, and it’s an awkward moment. Eager Teacher announces that every member of the club will have a (presumably fake, but who knows with these kids) stock portfolio. The student with the most valuable holdings at the end of the year will claim an amazing prize, AKA a plaque and bragging rights. (S: I WON THE JUNIOR ACHIEVEMENT VERSION OF THIS GAME WHEN I WAS IN THE 8TH GRADE. THESE BRAGGING RIGHTS NEVER EXPIRE.) (D: I did this project in elementary school and failed miserably, probably because even “Gifted & Talented” eleven-year-olds are bad at stocks.) There’s also a cash prize for whomever can beat Eager Teacher, who invested in Casablancas Inc. and can now retire this year! He talks about restoring his boat, and Logan snarks, “didn’t plug her right the first time, huh?” and then stares pointedly at Duncan. This doesn’t totally make sense, because it’s not even actually directed towards Duncan, but apparently it’s enough for them to tackle each other out of the classroom and into the hallway.

Post-fight, in the nurse’s office, the boys debate whether V would be impressed by this very manly exercise in penis-measuring. Logan wants to know where the hell his best friend was when he was accused of murder. He points out that there’s basically a race war happening, and Logan is in the middle of it, and Duncan doesn’t even care. Duncan insists that he was busy dealing with the fact that Logan’s father murdered Duncan’s sister. Logan says, “I hate him too, you know,” and there I go feeling sorry for Logan again. He starts crying, but the nurse thinks it’s the antiseptic stinging and not his feels.

Lor: That’s almost as good as an excuse as the Snark Lady go-to, hay fever.

Diva: Colin Firth Fest. Jackie talks about meeting celebrities and getting bored with Manhattan and flying to Paris for no reason, because she doesn’t know how to interact with poor people. Wallace and V have a sidebar to discuss Jackie; V thinks Wallace is too good for her, but if he wants to slum, V will help him out. Jackie kisses Wallace and thanks V for the Firth Fest. They discuss meeting again on Friday, but Veronica has work and Jackie has other plans. When Wallace and Jackie leave, Duncan announces that he thinks Jackie is cool, because rich people just understand each other, I guess. (L: Still not a fan; sure sign of low bank account funds.) (D: I hate Jackie; I am unemployed. These facts are linked.)

Unnecessary close-up of Cordelia’s ass on the elliptical machine. Veronica wants to borrow her mp3 player, to check whether it’s her headphones or her player that are broken. Cordy is extremely impatient, but V takes her sweet time and flips through a few of Cordy’s tracks before apologizing and handing it back. V ends the convo with this random-but-true fact:

VVO informs us that Cordelia is on a very reliable schedule – lunch, bag switch, sex at one of her husband’s real estate investments. She calls Cassidy and tells him the plan worked – she wants him to steal the MP3 play back and meet her that night. Cordelia is at the Sandpiper hotel, a name that Veronica recognizes from the Casablancas, Inc. brochure. She notes that Young Guy drove straight to the bank after swapping bags with Cordy. Then he went to the county courthouse, where Veronica thinks he has a meeting with the county assessor. False – turns out, he IS the county assessor.

Veronica asks Eager Teacher about real estate fraud. He gives us some very helpful information about how the county assessor makes sure real estate is sold for fair market value. But if they’re corrupt, they can inflate property values to buy other properties, then inflate those values, and so on and so on. Veronica tells Eager Teacher to sell his Casablancas stock immediately, because Big Dick and his properties are fraudulently inflated. She has seen the famed Sandpiper resort, and it’s a strip mall motel, not an exotic paradise. Eager Teacher thinks this a mistake, but Veronica’s done her research and this isn’t the only fraudulent property, either. She’s going to bust the company, so she wants Eager Teacher to dump his stocks. He insists that you don’t dump them – you sell them, and that means sticking someone else with the consequences, which he can’t live with. Listen, I’m not a stock broker, but can’t you sell them back to the company? Then you don’t have to feel bad, because you’re only hurting the people already doing evil shit! But apparently not, because this is the end of Eager Teacher’s early retirement and boat restoration.

Sweeney: Money stuff is, sadly, not any of our department. #poorbloggerproblems

Diva: But if we were good at money stuff, we would all be blogging together at Snark Headquarters, drinking to excess in our penthouse and generally being fabulous and awesome.

In Chicago, Keith and Alicia are having drinks in a jazz club and being almost as fabulous as the Snark Ladies would be at Snark HQ. He jokes that as long as the kids aren’t getting arrested and thus interfering with his sheriff career, he’s doing fine. Alicia wants to know if he really wants that life back, and he insists he does. He wants a deputy who isn’t his daughter. Alicia’s not convinced Veronica will handle it well, but he explains that she’s the one who convinced him to run. Then they leave to go have sex, but on their way out, a man says “Cheri? Hey, Cher!” at Alicia. She ignores him and hurries into the elevator with Keith, pretending she doesn’t know that guy who was clearly talking to her. As she and Keith head downstairs, Cher Man shows the hotel clerk his police badge and asks for the names of the white man and black woman staying together on the third floor.

Lor: I guess odds of them being the only interracial couple on the third floor are good.

Diva: Fact. This was 2005, before the world (and by the world, I mean Cheerios commercials) recognized that interracial relationships were a thing.

Karaoke night at Veronica’s workplace, where someone is singing terribly. Another guy gets up to sing about how young love has a dark side, and he whips out a ridiculous falsetto to perform “Love Hurts.” I’m not entirely sure why this is happening, and I’m mildly concerned I’ve fallen into an alternate universe. Anyway, he sings directly to the girl the previous guy was singing to, and that girl is crying. Because, you know, love hurts, or whatever.

Sweeney: This is happening for the amusement of people working on the show: that random guy whose appearance makes no sense? It’s Courtney Taylor-Taylor who is named that because Portland and, more importantly, is the lead singer of The Dandy Warhols, the band behind the show’s theme song. This scene is entirely pointless without this information, but is delightfully absurd with it in mind. So now you know.

Diva: That is kind of a super-fun call out to people like us who love this theme song. I obviously didn’t recognize him, but I feel cooler understanding why this scene happened.

Anyway, Veronica meets with Cassidy and shows him the 2,000 pictures she took of Cordy. Veronica is about to tell Cassidy about his dad’s real estate fraud, but she has to run off to take care of a customer. That customer turns out to be Jackie, who is clearly on a date with someone who is not Wallace. Veronica is PISSED. She goes back to the table, but Cassidy is gone, and her computer is open to a picture of Cordelia… with SHIRTLESS LOGAN. Oh, and the flash drive with the rest of the pictures is gone too.

Neptune High. Neither Cassidy nor Logan showed up to school today. Wallace and Jackie, who is pretending that everything is cool and she’s not dating other dudes, show up to excitedly talk about Colin Firth. Veronica makes a phone call; cut to Logan and Cordelia having sex. Cordy sees the phone call, and is all, invite her over for a threesome! Because this situation isn’t awkward enough already! Logan’s all, no, actually, I’m good. Also, they’re having sex in the Echolls pool house with the blinds open, because they don’t know how affairs work.

Cher Man uses a pay phone at a diner. He looks up Alicia Fennell in the phone book and tears out the whole page, because he is very inconsiderate to others who might need that page in the future. Just write her number down, bro!

Lor: Also, Alicia, if you are changing your name and running from things maybe don’t list your number.

Diva: Wise and life-saving advice, Lor.

Cut to Veronica, ringing the doorbell at Logan’s house. She lets herself in, and sees sheets and clothes everywhere. She asks if his girlfriend CORDELIA CHASE-CASABLANCAS is still there, and then calls him a cliche with a death wish, both of which are true. She also tells him to lock his doors, because again, he’s really bad at secret affairs. Veronica passes by a movie poster of Aaron, and recognizes the name of it from the autographed picture of Aaron and Curly. Curly was a stunt man in the movie (but his name is still on the poster, because obviously stunt men need to have leading-man billing when contrivance demands it).

Big Dick’s office. Cassidy gives his father the pictures of Cordelia and Logan. He explains that he couldn’t let Cordy get away with this, so he hired a private investigator. Big Dick immediately realizes what this means for his whole real estate Ponzi scheme, and starts haphazardly throwing shit into a suitcase. When he gets a phone call that the SEC is here for him, he actually runs through the office yelling “SHRED IT! SHRED EVERYTHING!” at every person he sees. It’s actually kind of hilarious. He literally escapes into a helicopter on the roof – which I guess just happened to be waiting there on the off-chance that he might need to make a dramatic getaway – and leaves his son behind.

Sweeney: I completely forgot about Big Dick’s negligence! There are so many possible contenders for the Negligent Parent of the Year category, so I doubt he’ll win, but he’ll be an honorable mention for sure.

Diva: Veronica arrives at Duncan’s house and tells him that everything is her fault. But she’s not talking about Casablancas, Inc. – she’s talking about the bus crash. It was meant for Veronica, and they all died because of her.

This probably would have been more of a mic-drop moment if the previous episodes didn’t end in even more dramatic mic-drop moments, but still, DAMN. At least this mollifies my prior concerns that this was unrelated to the bus crash and just the eight billionth dead body in this town.

 

Next time on Veronica Mars: Veronica goes undercover to help a rich lady prove she has a shitty boyfriend, and more bus crash details are revealed in S02 E04 – Green-Eyed Monster.