BSC #015 – “Little Miss Stoneybrook…and Dawn” – Another book, more dubious values.

Previously: The Baby-sitters said goodbye to Stacey and then hello to Mallory. They also went on vacation which isn’t exciting as it sounds.
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Sweeney: I think I’m going to start a trend here at CT, where we begin each post with several paragraphs re-introducing you to all of us, with particular emphasis on the most inane information we can come up with. Bonus points for effectively reducing each of us to stereotypical caricatures of ourselves. Lather, rinse, repeat. In case you have effectively blocked out this part of your childhood, or never actually read these books, that might give you a vague idea of what reading the first chapter of any BSC book is like.

Nugs: For example: “Hi, I’m Nugs. I agreed to review the BSC books because I’d forgotten how trite and face-palmingly obnoxious they are. After reading five pages I often want to kill myself. Also, I like robots. Peace out.”

Sweeney: After we get through the boring repeated introductions we move onto equally boring meeting crap. At this meeting Kristy decides to formally induct Mallory and Jessi into the BSC. Dawn is a little annoyed by this, given what an obnoxious twat Kristy was about Dawn joining. Her internal monologue gets a little passive aggressive and points out that Kristy was jealous.

Sadly, she does not actually call Kristy out for being a heinous twat. In my version of the book, however, she does.

Nugs: Why have we not yet been summoned to re-write all these book series? I mean, in my mind we already have, and there’s also dancing and a killer 80’s soundtrack, and lots of Gosling shirtless pics (ohhaaaai), but somehow I think the GWC is just a little too frightened of our potential to even go there.

Sweeney: Yes, I’m sure that’s it, Nugs.

Oh, and this induction ceremony does include a great new addition to the repetitive introductions:

“She and Jessi (Jessica) are alike in a lot of ways, except that Jessi is black.”

I have found, over the course of working on this blog, that I successfully blocked out a significant portion of my memory of these books, so I can’t say this with absolute certainty, but I think it is a safe bet that The Ann M. Martin Ghost Writing Collective will be sure to point this out to us in the beginning of each of the subsequent books.

During this meeting, Charlotte Johanson’s mother calls and asks to speak to Claudia. Claudia breaks the! most! important! rule! by accepting a job flat out without offering it up to everyone and calling the mother back, as per standard BSC procedure. This is because Charlotte was one of Stacey’s frequent charges, and since Claudia and Stacey were BFFs, Charlotte specially requested Claudia.

The other girls are all feeling slighted and OMGSOSELFCONSCIOUS because apparently this is an affront to their skillz as babysitters. I can’t say that I actually understand the inner-workings of 8th grade minds, but based on working with 8th graders, this sounds about right. Just one of many reasons we refer to this series as the Babies Watching Babies Books, but I digress. At book #15, we really should be long past silly little hangups like child neglect.

Later that night, Dawn is eating dinner with her mom and brother (in case you’re new here, Dawn’s #firstworldproblem is being a child of divorce) and it turns out that Jeff has been getting in fights at school and punching kids on the regular. I’m pretty sure he’s nine. I’m also pretty sure that this is the most violent character we’ve encountered so far in Stoneybrook, but that we have been given no prior reason to expect this.

Nugs: If he were ten years older, and I were in high school, I would be SO into this kid. Does that make me a sociopath?

Sweeney: You mean, is this particular fact the thing that makes you a sociopath? No, but…

(Kidding. Maybe.)

Over dinner Jeff asks if he can move back to California with his dad, promising that he would be a better kid if he could do that. Other than seeming a little sad about the idea, Dawn’s mom mostly just reacts with, “OK YEAH SURE.” And Dawn is all, “OMG ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?”

And this is how this book just became an endless trip to bummer town for me. Side bar: my parents are not divorced, but I distinctly recall telling my mother once that if my parents ever did divorce, I could never fathom not remaining with my siblings. I have no idea why this conversation ever came up. Regardless, parents divorcing is sad enough, but splitting up siblings strikes me as just about the saddest thing to ever happen in the whole wide world.

Nugs: My parents are divorced, and luckily it was pretty easy for my brothers and I- there were no custody issues, and not a lot of back and forth with the court and all that. However, I can agree with you, Sweeney, that this does sound like the most miserable scenario I could ever imagine. My family is and always has been super close and I can’t imagine ever being split up with my siblings, even as kids. Especially when you go through the separation of your parents, that’s a time that brothers and sisters especially need to be around each other. Why any parents would do that do their children is something I can’t even imagine, but oh right- I assumed for a second that these books were going to make any sense of any kind, ever. Sorry.

Sweeney: Right. So, of course, our real plot has to be some stupid babysitting story, not the fact that this girl’s family is falling apart. In the next chapter, Dawn gets a special assignment of her own: there is going to be a Little Miss Stoneybrook pageant and Claire and Margo Pike want to enter. Mrs. Pike can’t help the girls prepare because she’s too busy having a millionty more kids working and Margo is a Judgey Mc Bitch who won’t help her sisters because she is so disdainful of pageants. Dawn was thus specially requested because she lives the closest.

Nugs: I like to refer to the Pikes as “The Duggars.”

Sweeney: It’s an absurdly large family of gingers. I prefer to think of them as the far less awesome precursor to the Weasleys. As if J.K. Rowling felt the need to make it up to the world’s absurdly large ginger families. Or something like that.

Before we get too deep into the riveting Stoneybrook goes Toddlers & Tiaras plot, I have to say that this is one of those occasions where I can see why this would have been a bigger deal twenty years ago than it is now. Numbed as we are by the existence of Honey Boo Boo Child, I totally get the idea of 8th graders going all stage mom (spoiler alert!) or mothers paying a babysitter to deal with this crap so that they don’t have to.

Of course, put another way, a generation raised under the influence of the terrible books produced by the GWC may well have been partially desensitized and thus led to the fact that we live in a world where Toddlers & Tiaras exist.

I equal parts loathe and thank them for this.

Nugs: Have you ever seen that show? Oh my God, I hate whoever greenlit that shit. At least when I watch My Strange Addiction I can laugh at those people. Toddlers & Tiaras just makes me angry at society as a whole. Then again, this is the same planet that worships Justin Bieber, so there you go.

Sweeney: Anyway, more dramz ensue in the club over the fact that Dawn got a ~special assignment~ and the rest of the girls are all OMGWHYDON’TTHEPARENTSLOVEME. Dawn, still slightly stung by CharlotteGate, is grateful to have the opportunity to demonstrate what a kick ass babysitter she is, in the event that Claire or Margo win.

Another sidebar: Pointing out inaccuracies in this book is far too extensive a task for one or two people to do by themselves, but this must be said: I call bullshit on the age range for this pageant. I am a former pageant child (yes, I may have selected this particular inaccuracy to pick on because it seemed like as good a way as any to bring this up and I couldn’t really write this entire post without going there) and 5-8? No. Never. It would be two divisions, 5-6 and 7-8. Get your shit together, GWC.

Nugs: Like you said, we should never attempt to do this alone.

Sweeney: Also, that sidebar exists as a precursor to this:

Nugs: AHAHAHAHAHA! I was SO waiting for this! You were a truly adorable baby though.

Sweeney: Most of the book, then, is Dawn preparing Claire and Margo for the pageant. It’s not until around page 50 that Dawn first realizes that she is preparing them to compete against each other. I have a major face palm moment over that.

Also, Kristy convinces Karen that she wants to enter, so that Kristy can feel OMG SO IMPORTANT, and Dawn has a weird paragraph about how great and lovable Karen is and I’m utterly perplexed. Australian Traumateer Kirsti often shares her story in the Childhood Trauma Support Group meetings that we hold in the comments. The short version? Karen Brewer might be the most reprehensible elementary school child in the whole of Scholastic’s extensive history of writing shitty children.

Also, this:

After that, the other girls join the party of guilting children into participating. First, Mary Anne notices how OMGTALENTED Myriah is. Then, Claudia decides that super shy Charlotte should also totally participate.

Sidebar #9845: Charlotte is all, “I don’t have a talent because I’m too busy reading.” This is one of the few occasions where my simplification is actually detracting from the several pages that were dedicated to Charlotte’s love of reading.

Nugs: Your talent is being smart, Charlotte. DON’T LOSE THAT. EVER. Also, never apply for a job with the GWC.

Sweeney: (1) These are the greatest few pages in this book and probably the whole series. (2) WHY THE FUCK WAS KAREN THE KID CHOSEN FOR THE SPIN-OFF SERIES? WHY NOT THIS KID? I LOVE THIS KID.

(She was already my favorite kid because I always pictured her looking just like the Samantha doll. But now I reallyreally love her and just want to give her a hug.)

In the middle of all this boring pageant bullshit, Dawn is having an actual life problem. Every few chapters, we revisit the fact that Jeff is moving back to California. The GWC makes a vague attempt at making it look like they are typing up all the loose ends by having Dawn’s mom say things like “So, I talked to the lawyers, and your dad, and your pediatrician…” Or something like that.

At the end of these occasional chapters of Dawn’s actual life problem she says something about how great it is that she can take her mind off this with THE PAGEANT and I hate the GWC a little more each time it happens. Granted, nine-year-old me was probably all, “LESS FEELINGS. MORE PAGEANTS.”

Claire and Margo don’t actually have any real talents. Claire’s talent is mostly that she is five and adorable. She sings the Popeye song (in a sailor suit!) and eventually adds a small dance to it that Dawn came up with. Margo, on the other hand, is… a character. Margo’s talent is that she can unpeel a banana with her toes. While reciting a poem. This is a source of continued distress for Dawn throughout the book.

Nugs: Actually, peeling a banana with your toes is a pretty badass talent. If I were in a pageant, my talent would either be my ninja napping skillz or my ability to put one leg behind my head. These are also listed on my resume under “Relevant Skills.” I have no idea why I was unemployed for almost two years.

Sweeney: Compounding her OMGWUTISMYLIFE feeling, the girls get all sorts of ridiculously stage-mothery and competitive and crazyfaced. Since Judgey McBitch lives with Claire and Margo and has to hear them rehearsing, she has conveyed their “talents” to the entire club. The other girls, however, are being super secretive about the so-called talents of their respective protegees.

This might be when the wine came out for real. While we often joke about the fact that we should be drinking our way through this, we almost never do (don’t ask why/how).

Nugs: Speak for yourself. *drinks*

Sweeney: As per the Rules of Contrivance, Jeff’s departure came the night before the pageant. I was pretty depressed by this point. I’m not sure if I was more upset by: (1) My favorite character being sad. lol, jk, not that. (2) The seriously skewed priorities demonstrated in this book by the number of pages designated for this Actual Life Problem -or- (3) This trip down memory lane to a time when you could actually go up to the gate and wait with someone before they boarded a flight! Do you remember that? (Nugs: I do! I blame pop culture for ill-performing boyfriends) I’m getting all teary again just thinking about it. I guess it was that one.

The day of the pageant, the girls arrive and they are all anxious because just like the mothers on Toddlers & Tiaras, they have become senselessly invested in the performance of children. Unlike those mothers, these are not even their own children…

However, they quickly start to see that it’s all bullshit and stupid. I know you are waiting for my LOLJK, but that’s genuinely what happens. There is a little girl there named Sabrina Bouvier who is what Claudia dubs a “pageant-head.” Let’s ignore the stupid terminology, and jump to the mental image that I expect you all to have:

After the BSC girls meet this kid, before the pageant, they begin thinking awful things about her, like the fact that she might not be talented and that she is “not that pretty.” You stay classy, girls.

Things are a disaster for most of the girls in the pageant. They are worst for poor Charlotte, who gets so nervous that she forgets all the words to the passage from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that she was going to recite. She runs off the stage crying. I am again distressed by my inability to hug a fictional character.

Myriah, however, does pretty well and is ultimately first runner up, which has the most kid-approved prize – a shopping spree to a toy store. (Here, again, I call bullshit: being able to blame most of my self-esteem problems on my collection of “First Runner Up” trophies I can tell you that all you typically get is a trophy that will mock you for years to come. Or something like that.) Unsurprisingly, Sabrina wins.

Margo and Karen sob after. Karen’s tears are probably the second best part of this particular book.

Nugs: No, that was actually my most favorite part. I really hated this kid.

Sweeney: Claire is relatively unconcerned with her loss, because she’s five and just had fun running around on stage in cute costumes. She asks Dawn if she can be in the pageant again next year and I laugh at her because GUESS WHAT? THIS YEAR LASTS FOREVER. Sorry, kid.

Nugs: *drinks*

 

Next time on the Baby-sitters Club: A double whammy of Fun With Stereotypes as the first book narrated by Jessi also happens to introduce “a secret language” …otherwise known as sign language. Was that a spoiler? Sorry. Tune in anyway for BSC #16 – Jessi’s Secret Language.