Previously: The Great Contrivance Spirit decided that Ryan’s teen dad thing was really inconvenient, so Theresa lied about losing her baby, sending Ryan and Seth back to Newport.
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The Way We Were
Polge Clément: Because that season premiere propelled the show from teen drama to full-on Spanish telenovella, I feel like characters should be renamed (at least for one recap) accordingly.
After the previouslies summarizing everyone’s drama, we kick off with Rodrigo (Ryan) and Seth (who will be called Enriqué because no proper telenovella can do without an Enriqué, and also because I guess the Spanish of Seth would be Seth). (L: Set, actually. TMYK *shooting star*) So, Rodrigo and Enriqué are talking about whether they should go back to school, with Enriqué trying to flee (which seems to have become his thing) while Rodrigo says that they have to go. The discussion quickly becomes about Summerita (Summer), because your future is much less important than who you’re dating. Which is actually very high school. Enriqué reveals that he hasn’t talked to her since he relocated to Portland, because she avoided his calls, except that one time she said her father would kill him if he kept calling. Enriqué explains to Rodrigo that he only left because Rodrigo left, so really, it’s his fault.
The discussion shifts to Marisa (Marissa), because see reason above. We learn that Ryan hasn’t talked to Marisa either. Symmetry YO. When Enriqué asks if Rodrigo just intends to walk up to her and say “hey” and hopes she “hey” him back, Rodrigo realises the flaw in his carefully laid-out plan to reunite with his ex he left for what might have been the mother of his child but also maybe not but that he now left because she lost the child but actually didn’t (and is probably not his anyway). Rodrigo is not very bright. So he now joins Enriqué in the carefully laid-out plan of “not going to school.”
Then the opening credits roll in and I’m sorry but I don’t care about this song so I WON’T SING IT. #passiveresistance
Sweeney: WHATEVER, MAN. I’LL SING, THEN. CALIFORNIIAAAAAAAAA, HERE WE COOOOOOOOOME! #youcanttakethissongfromme
Lorraine: HERE, HAVE THIS BAD GIF OF THE CREDITS TOO:
Polge: Since the boys are all dressed and wearing their backpacks and have been talking in the pool house for several hours, it only means one thing in The O.C.: it’s time for breakfast! The kitchen is still invaded by the remodeling workers, including Arcadio (Archie), whose job apparently consists of eating other people’s food and getting into their private discussions. How do you apply for that job ? I want that job. (S: Me too. I have excellent references.) Sandiego (Sandy “Eyebrows” Cohen) explains the ongoing remodeling saying that Christina (Kirsten) got bored. She replies saying that Sandiego was complaining about a lack of space for his surfing memorabilia, so really, it’s his fault. SYMMETRY AGAIN! Sandiego and Christina realize that they both thought the other would bring the kids to the school, so none of them can, so Arcadio offers to. Which brings us to our next bullet point on the Oh My God So Much Drama Going On agenda: school.
Rodrigo and Enriqué see Marisa and Summerita, which gives us a general round of “oh my god”, before Marisa goes to embrace Rodrigo, because apparently Rodrigo’s carefully laid-out plan of just hey-ing her worked. Know your audience I guess – who ever thought Marisa would need any more than that? So they set up a date for after school. As you do when you see the guy who left because he might have gotten someone pregnant.
Sweeney: A solid reminder that even the characters on TV shows can keep track of their ever-shifting relationship statuses.
Polge: The Summerita/Enriqué section doesn’t go as smooth, with Summerita first refusing to talk to him, then subtly dropping the information that she has a boyfriend (“excuse me, I have to go meet my boyfriend“) before leaving.
Next is Hallita’s (Haylee) turn for drama, where she’s on a SUPER!SECRET!PRIVATE! phone call about something she “hasn’t told Jaime [Jimmy] yet,” which is totally the kind of phone call you’d take on said Jaime’s boat. Which is obviously also Jaime’s cue to turn up, and they start getting all couple-y and alcohol-y at 9am and that also sounds like a job I want. (L: I’d take the boat and alcohol, hold the Jaime!) They should show this at orientation or something. Jaime jumps to “Hey! Let’s go to Cabo!” because what else is there to do when you’ve got money and time? Hallita’s all “huh, SURE SURE, yeah, huh, maybe, huh, let’s talk” which he takes as a yes because he’s dumb.
Back to school, Rodrigo’s getting his schedule and congratulations for his GPA last year, and the consellour is trying to talk to him about college, but that would mean caring about your own future, which Rodrigo doesn’t do.
Lor: Aw, I think he just can’t handle brooding about the future and present at the same time.
Polge: Because this school doesn’t have classes, we’re now in what looks like a cafeteria excepts no one’s eating, and Enriqué is trying to convince Rodrigo to join his comic book club. Rodrigo doesn’t seem interested, but he also doesn’t have any personal will, so he’ll do it.
Lor: …with abs.
Sweeney: ABS.
Polge: Inside the house, we see Marisa applying make-up, while Don José arrives behind looking his usual dead fish face, and after the porniest setup of all times, they start making out, because DUH.
Lor: It was giving me some wicked second hand embarrasment how much they were doing this whole, “what are you doing here?” set-up when plot twist! Marissa’s sleeping with the help! Plus, Mischa Barton’s acting is bad when she’s next to anyone else in this cast. Next to Dead Fish, here? IT BURNS.
Polge: TRUTH.
Now that we’ve learned what Marisa’s carefully laid-out plan is (i.e. making out with Don José while dating Rodrigo), we get a non-commercial break and apparently back to school (what is time?), where Marisa’s drinking coffee alone before Summerita joins her and instantly tastes her coffee so the audience can learn, SHOCK AND AWE, that there’s BOOZE in that coffee. It’s as if Marisa had an untreated addictive personality !! WHO’D HAVE THUNK ??!!!!!!!!!!!!1 (S: Surely the half dozen therapy sessions she attended that facilitated her being stalked solved her substance abuse/depression problems!) More Marisa drama where this conversation actually happens when Summerita learns that Marisa is doing the nasty bits with Don José:
Summerita: Marisa, since when ?!
Marisa: Since, I don’t know, all summer. […] No one can find out about this.
Summerita: Ok. But god, that is so hot !
Marisa: No, it’s not believe me.
Summerita: Really ? But he’s so ripped.
Marisa: Not, it’s great, it’s just…
Summerita: He’s the yard guy.
See above comment about basic human decency being a joke in this show. It’s like the smarter Summerita becomes, the more assholish Marisa becomes.
Sweeney: It’s true. When Summer was initially written without consideration for her inevitable status as main character, she had this very important bitchy vain girl role to fill and as they realized how untenable that was they were all, “Shit, there’s an asshole void! Quick, Marissa, fill it!”
Polge: A restaurant, Sandiego meets Caliebo (Caleb), who says he’s accused of corrupting city officials, and basically says that it’s absurd because he got so much power through his other illegal means that he doesn’t have to. Plus he would never give money away. That last part is mine. His carefully laid-out plan was apparently committing every crime in the book EXCEPT bribery, and he apparently sees no flaw in that.
Comics book club! It’s all very pompous and stuff. Enriqué starts calling all members, which are only Enriqué and Rodrigo until a third guy arrives. He’s on the water polo team, and since this is a club to share and discuss, Enriqué decides it means he has to try and belittle him by giving him a comics book quizz, until it turns out Zacariás (Zach) actually knows his shit, and that he and Enriqué a lot alike, they even have the same favourite author! Zacariás is a great guy! What could go wrong? After the club, they say goodbye, and Zacariás goes to kiss Summerita. So I guess THIS could go wrong. Huh.
Lor: And really, does he need to be there every day? Does he trim everything with nail clippers? Go home DJ.
Polge: On a boat, Hallita’s telling Christina about her new job in sales… In Japan. Hallita’s carefully laid-out plan is apparently “I love Jaime but I want to go to Japan and he can’t so I won’t talk to him about it” and, like everyone else, she fails to see the flaw in her plan.
Back to Sandiego taking Caliebo, who’s more than a little drunk, back to his house, when they run into Julia (Julie), who thinks he’s had a stroke, because all of her dates are either 18 or 81, and drunkenness is for the 18 year olds. Sandiego tells Julia that Caliebo is getting indicted, and might go to prison, which sends the loving wife into a fury at the idea of losing her money her husband. So Julia does the only logical thing: she threatens Sandiego about throwing Christina under the bus if Caliebo is found guilty, because Sandiego is the only lawyer for all of The O.C. (or at least the only one with a SAG card). (S: A+)
Cohen Kitchen. Rodrigo and Chirstina are talking when Sandiego and Arcadio storms in, and Sandiego explains that Arcadio has actually been mooching off them after ordering the wrong sized I-beam, was billing them while waiting for delivery of the correct one, and that they only know about it because Rodrigo found out. Rodrigo suggests he move the wall 10 inches to the left so they can use the beam they actually have, because he’s now an architect since he worked construction for 3 hot minutes, and has a complete grasp of load-bearing and knows it would totes not make the roof collapse on itself. After Sandiego comments on the shitty job they did, Arcadio says “you think the shitty job we did is shitty? Well then, I QUIT” and storms off. Good bye Arcadio, your name was the only legit spanish-souding one, so your departure makes me sad. Christina then asks Sandiego to go apologize to Arcadio, but Sandiego explodes and completes his set of eyebrows with a set of crazy eyes to tells Christina that he’s “sick to death of putting himself on the line for this family and getting nothing,” then storms off too.
Sweeney: Sandy Cohen is usually such a model words-user. Not his finest moment. Even those eyebrows have their limits.
Polge: In the bedroom, Chirstina tells Sandiego that he’s right about Arcadio, then apologizes about taking out her anger over Enriqué’s departure out on Sandiego this summer. Sandiego takes off the crazy eyes, and says his exploding wasn’t about her. Christina says she never saw him go off this way on anyone but her dad, and quickly deduces that Caliebo has his own drama arc too!
Enriqué is brooding in his room when Rodrigo enters, and says he’ll be going to the carnival tomorrow, which Enriqué doesn’t want to go to because the perspective of hanging out with Marisa and Summerita and Zacariás isn’t appealing to him, for some reason.
A nice song and a cutaway later, and we’re back on Jaime’s boat, where Hallita is telling him about her job offering in Japan, and concludes by offering him more wine. Now THAT is a valid plan. Jaime’s reaction is “I understand you want to be an independent woman earning her own money, but what if instead you married me and became my trophy wife and just used MY money? It’s the same thing, right?” And we obviously don’t see her answering because 1) DRAMA and 2) we need to cut away to the next drama emergency: (S: Dramergency, if you will.) (P: Man, I wish I thought of that)
Summerita is doing some sort of yoga stuff in her room, when Rodrigo knocks at her door. I’m not sure their discussion has any relevance, and I’m waaay ahead on my word count, so let’s just skip it.
Sweeney: The scene is basically just Ryan trying to be a good friend while sitting awkwardly on a purple pillow on the floor.
Lor: Summer is a questionable friend to Marissa when she strongly hints that Marissa is hooking up with yard guys, or whatever, but she does earn the gold star:
Polge: It’s Marisa’s turn at drama, and she’s apparently pissed at Don José because he keeps calling her, and she’s busy EATING, GOD, why can’t people understand that she’s doing IMPORTANT THINGS unlike those poor people who just work?!?! but Don José wants to know who was she doing the smoochies with, and then he dumps her when she gives what she seems to think is a very valid explanation of “he’s my boyfriend”, with heavy subtext of “you’re just the yard guy.” He goes to leave, and starts crying and saying “BUT I’M NOT LIKE THAT” after spending the whole episode proving to us that yes, she is EXACTLY like that. (S: PREACH.) And because she cries, he comes back and kisses her just in time for Rodrigo to come by and witness it. I think he’s not happy about it, but his face isn’t expressing much, so that’s really just speculation on my part. There’s also some more symmetry happening there or something, because Don José was high up looking down on the first kiss, and Rodrigo is down looking up at them, or something. I don’t know, I’m not a writer, don’t ask me these things.
What I guess would be the next morning if time worked in The O.C. the way it does in the real world, Enriqué and Rodrigo are discussing that kiss between Don José and Marisa. Enriqué reveals his carefully laid-out plan of making a grand romantic gestures in public and in front of her current boyfriend to reconquer the girl he abandoned and who specifically said that she only wanted to be friends. As is the current trend, he does not see any flaw in that plan.
Sweeney: Because respecting people’s feelings is sooo unromantic, you know?
Lor: A no is just a yes waiting to happen. <3
Polge: In the Cohen kitchen, Caliebo is having breakfast here, and gets into a grand speech about doing what he did for the family, which would be much more efficient if he didn’t spent all of season 1 being an asshole to every member of said family. Sandiego shows once again he’s the bigger man by trying to unite Christina and Caliebo under his big comforting eyebrows, and invite him to have dinner with them tonight. You’re a bigger man than I am, Sandiego.
There’s a counselling session here where Ryan is going to study to become an architect or something. I don’t know, I’m really just including it because I can’t not be thorough.
Sweeney: It’s a weird scene because the counselor was oddly hasty. “Oh, you drew plans in the blue book I gave you? Cool, I’mma change all your classes now,” and Ryan has to be the one to be all, “Hold up, why?” Like, why couldn’t she have said, “Are you interested in being an architect?”
Polge: At Christina’s work, Jaime’s there to tell her that Hallita’s left (apparently without saying goodbye to anyone?) (S: That’s a weird and troubling family habit. Though at least Seth left a note, HALEY. Shit.), and finally realizes that his plan of asking Hallita to marry him instead of working in Japan might not worked. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? How can such a carefully laid-out plan not work? What could it mean for all those other carefully laid-out plans? It’s as if this show was setting up those characters to fail in some totally unpredictable ways! Also I wonder why is Jaime here, is he trying to hit on Christina again now that her sister Hallita isn’t here anymore? Will Jaime succeed? Will Sandiego get jealous? WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?
Lor: CALM DOWN, POLGE. We’ll learn in just 20 episodes! It’ll be great!
Polge: At the carnival, Rodrigo and Enriqué see Marisa alone next to the ferris wheel, because METAPHORS yo. Because they’re really perfect for each other, Marisa decides to hey Rodrigo, who heys her back. Then, because she’s the one at fault, Marisa decides it’s a good time to start yelling at Rodrigo. Because Rodrigo is still having trouble getting over that Don José thing, he say they should just be friends, and I SWEAR I heard that somewhere before in this show. Have we gone full circle? Or did I just write the recap for S01E02 instead without realizing it? Before I have the time to ask all those questions, Marisa resumes her shouting and says they’re not and have never been friends, so Rodrigo leaves, and I’m pretty sure there was some expression on his face but I’m not sure which one, so it’s left open to interpretation really.
Sweeney: It’s another fun mystery! What was that expression? Will we ever find out?
Polge: Summerita is having fun with Zacariás when he leaves to buy goodies and I’m now hungry, so time to wrap this up. She sees Enriqué fumbling at his attempt of climbing a hot-dog stand and realizes this is his grand romantic gesture. When she understands what’s going on she, surprisingly, disapproves. Who could have seen that coming? Zacariás comes back and he’s not really happy to see Enriqué shouting his love for Summerita, so they leave, just in time for Rodrigo to make his best entrance ever:
Enriqué then keeps the genius going by deciding to throw himself under Zacariás’ car, because there’s nothing more romantic than almost killing yourself. Summerita proves she’s the only one left with a brain by pointing out that he could have gotten hurt, then this discussion happens:
Summer: What do you want from me?
Enriqué: You. I just want you.
Summer: No, you don’t! You had me. You had me at Chrismukkah in a freaking Wonder Woman costume, and you chose Anna. You had me three months ago and you left.
Enriqué: I want to make that up to you.
Summer: It has nothing to do with me. It is about you, and it is always about you. What you need, and what you want, you know, it seems that you only want me when you can’t have me! You like the chase, and that’s all.
Sweeney: GET IT, GIRL. It’s as if only one of the core four can really be likable in each episode, and this one is definitely a Summer episode.
Lor: That speech was PERFECT and more self aware than I thought this show could be.
Polge: It’s hard to believe it’s even the same Summerita as one season ago, so maybe I AM recapping the right episode, which is a big relief, really, because I’ve already done all that work. Also I have to say that Enriqué leaving because Rodrigo wasn’t here anymore is more than a little gay, not that we have any problem with that here, I just wonder how many poorly written sex fanfiction titled “A Night in Portland” this inspired. Anyhoo, Summer decides to leave now that the truth bomb has been properly dropped.
In the Cohen mansion, people are summarizing what happened in this episode, which is that Rodrigo broke up with Marisa because he saw her kissed Don José on his return from living with Theresa and their maybe-maybe-not-the-dad child, while Enriqué broke up with Summer after not getting back with her because she was already dating Zacariás who’s in comic book club with Rodrigo and Enriqué. We don’t get a summary from Calebio about his drama arc, but that’s only because the FBI is doing it for him by arresting and handcuffing him while Christina and Enriqué are watching, powerless, and Sandiego declares that he’s Caliebo’s lawyer as we get to the final credits.
Well, this was a fun (and stressful) experience, so thanks to the squad for inviting me, and considering how this whole recap is kiiiiinda racist, I probably should say goodbye too, because I’m not getting invited back, so, goodbye!
Sweeney: It might be the first time we ever “racism sighting”d ourselves, so thank you for that new experience. We’re all about broadening horizons around here.
I spend most of my life trying to find the line between offensive and witty through trial and error. You just read one of my trial, feel free to point any error. The rest of my time is divided between maths, internet, and TV. I have a pretty good life.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
