The OC S02 E13 – Shower more frequently.

Previously: Valentine’s Day was a disaster for everyone except maybe Marissa and Alex, who kissed on a beach.
—

The Father Knows Best

Samantha: Hello fellow Traumateers! It gives me the absolute wiggins to get to do an OC post for Snark Squad because I love both so much. And someday, at a Snark Squad convention with plenty of wine, I will share my embarrassing 13 year old fangirl stories with you all. (M: Um, I cannot wait.) (S: Cosign. You’re off to a great start.) But for now, lets start the episode!

We open with some previouslies, that are mostly a lot of uncomfortable conversations and moments (Seth, no! Sandy, no!). This drops us off at the best part of any episode, the morning breakfast scene! Ryan walks into the house to find Seth on the couch in a Robe Cocoon of Sadness. Seth admits that he has been up all night watching movies. “What’s the plural of Matrix?” he asks. (Google tells me that matrices and matrixes are both acceptable.) Ryan then cutely brings Seth coffee and they banter a bit about how badly Seth needs a shower. Seth, buddy, I’m looking at you right now, and you appear to be covered in the O.C. version of Faith’s coma makeup. Take a shower.

Bagel shots! Seth has been agonizing (NOT wallowing) about whether Summer and Zach had sex in San Diego. The (creepy) obsessing has made him unable to eat, sleep, or shower. Which… sounds awful. Those are three of my very favorite things to do. (S: All very popular here in Snark HQ.) Seth concludes that he has to ask Summer if they had sex and I had all kinds of ABSOLUTELY NO feelings but luckily Ryan sums them up for me. “No, Seth, you can’t ask her. It’s weird and it’s creepy and it’s none of your business.” Thank you, Ryan. We segue into the credits with Seth saying that he’s going to ask Zach.

Marines: Rest assured that if you tell Seth Cohen that something is a horrible idea, he’s going to totally do it.

Samantha: *belts out* CAAAAALIFOOOOORNIAAAAAA HERE WE COOOOOOOME!

After the credits we’re in Sandy and Kirsten’s room and there is yet another reference to how bad Seth smells and needs a shower. There will be a lot of these (spoiler).

This turns into a discussion about Rebecca so I’m going to take a second and say that, for me, this is one of the very few awful Sandy Cohen subplots. He has all the parenting eyebrows and he is beloved by me, but he is being a shitty husband with this Rebecca plot, so if I seem angry at him, well… it’s because I’m angry at him.

Mari: It all comes back to the eyebrows. We hold him to such a high standard, so when he lets you down, it hurts more.

Sweeney: Those eyebrows bring some brilliant parenting game, but the horrible Rebecca plot brings some questionable husbanding. Rebeccas are bad news for Traumaland.

Samantha: Kirsten asks if he wants company for the funeral, like a supportive spouse, and learns that Sandy has waited until this very last second to inform her that it’s not a proper funeral. It’s just him and Rebecca, saying their goodbyes. Sandy asks Kirsten to hang on a little longer.

From one type of marriage to the other, we find Cal and Julie fighting in his office. Kirsten and Lindsay arrive and Cal drops the bomb that he wants to adopt Lindsey. Kirsten is speechless, Lindsey is thrilled, and Julie is fuming. Julie claims that this isn’t necessary and that OF COURSE she would take care of Lindsay if something happened to Cal. Kirsten gets a great eye roll in that made me laugh. (S: Any time this show lets Kirsten get her snark on is a win.) (I did not appreciate Kirsten snark enough until now. Kirsten may be my favorite this rewatch.) Cal is going throw a party to make the announcement to the Newpsies.

Next up, Seth MEGA CREEPS (there is seriously no other way to describe his approach) up to Zach. He casually (not really) tries to get Zach to confirm or deny that him and Summer slept together. Zach freaks, but it’s not quite the all caps WTF!! I feel like this deserved. It’s more along the lines of, wtf? (M: Zach has the patience of a saint.) Zach tells him to go home and get some sleep and to put the coma makeup back where he found it. Then, some random kid sits down on the couch and Seth gives him major crazy eyes. Hilariously, the kid takes off. I feel you, random student.

Sweeney: Whenever people flee Traumaland there’s always a part of me that’s all, “TAKE ME WITH YOU!”

Samantha: Then there’s a scene of Sandy and Rebecca scattering her father’s ashes into the ocean. Sandy tells her that they can’t kiss again. They have a conversation that doesn’t further the plot and just makes me roll my eyes.

Lindsay finds Ryan at his locker and tells him about the Big Adoption Plans. Note: I do not like Lindsey. 13 year old me always found her whiny and bratty and annoying. Her and Ryan always felt forced. I just wanted to get that out of the way in case it clouds the way I recap her. Ryan points out that it’s fast and that having Julie as an enemy won’t be fun, but Lindsay says it’s a dream come true and so he tries to be supportive, like a good boyfriend. (Alright, yes, Ryan Atwood was my first tv boyfriend.) (M: You’re full of confessions today. I love this project.)

Kirsten gets a visit from the FBI.

Marissa and Olivia Wilde are hanging out at the bar (so Marissa just doesn’t go to school now, or…?). Olivia Wilde wants Marissa to invite Summer to a party but soon learns that Marissa hasn’t told her best friend about her new (no chemistry) relationship yet. I’m still not very clear on Olivia Wilde’s age. I feel like you have to be 21 to run a bar, but I also feel like she mentions that she’s a teen at some point. Maybe I’m a Bad Fan for not knowing but Google didn’t either.

Mari: Girl, the writers of this show probably didn’t know either. Just like Luke was “18” and Theresa was “supposed to be in high school.”

Sweeney: The show has actually told us that Olivia Wild is like 17 and yet magically running a bar because it makes a good away-from-school setting of reasons. It’s better not to ask questions. Just run with it.

Samantha: Kirsten is sitting at the counter with a glass of wine when Sandy comes home. He sees the business card for one of the agents and immediately asks what Kristen told them. “So now you’re cross examining me?” Kristen asks and I sigh wearily. Stop it, Sandy. She tells him that she did not rat out his ex girlfriend and Sandy says that lying to the Feds could get her in big trouble. Kirsten wonders with me if he’s worried about her withholding information or telling them too much. I.e. is he worried about her or Rebecca?

JuJu storms up to Cal and demands that he at least redo the paternity test. Cal tells her that there was no need to do a paternity test because they pinky promised or something. Julie points out that Renee is “the kind of honest woman who sleeps with a married man.” And I gotta say, girlfriend has a point. I mean, we all know that she’s only looking out for herself and her interests, but this is probably something that should have been double checked long, long, loooooong ago. You know, before there was a teenage girl with emotional stability on the line.

Marissa and Summer are hanging out and I squee a little because I love when this show does Real Friend Moments. Marissa asks about San Diego and Summer says that “little Zach is full of surprises.” Marissa responds with “oh, I see” and I’m not really entirely sure what Marissa thinks Summer means or what I’m supposed to think Summer means. I dunno, guys. I watched it three times and this little exchange is lost on me.

Mari: It’s suggestive, I think. Like hey-o! Sexy times! Though “Little Zach” was probably a poor word choice there.

Samantha: Marissa almost tells Summer about Olivia Wilde but bails because she is Definitely Totally Ready for this relationship. Marissa invites her to the party at Caleb’s house instead. Summer gets a call from Zach and she says the following: “Well he always smells kinda weird.” Seth. SHOWER MORE FREQUENTLY. She also says “EW” when Zach tells her about Seth’s current crisis and subsequent quest.

Sandy meets up with FBI Contact who tells him that no matter what, Rebecca is going to do time because a man died and at the very least, her key was involved (to get into the building.)

Julie pays a visit to Renee (who is also Andie from the West Wing!!!) and we are treated to classic Rude Cupcake Julie. By which I mean she is that too-sugary-sounds-nice-but-absolutely-isn’t kind of awful. (A la Umbridge.) I don’t LIKE Julie Cooper, but I like WATCHING Julie Cooper. (M: SAME.) (S: It’s true. She’s the fucking worst human being but she’s also one of the most interesting characters on this show.) Anyway, Julie lets Renee know, out of the goodness of her heart, that Caleb is going to ask for a paternity test. This clearly distresses Renee and Julie flounces off with a “what a cute little house” and a wave.

Cue Seth, melodramatically laying in bed tearing up his drawings of Summer. Adam Brody really does nail this character, in that I’m not rolling my eyes at Seth this episode quite as much as I would be if this were Dawson. (I do like Seth a lot you guys, and I very Team Sethummer(?) it’s just a rough episode for him.) Summer comes in and finally, a better WTF!!!! reaction. “You asked my boyfriend if we had sex???? Ew, what is wrong with you????” she asks, while pummeling him with a pillow.

Seth outlines his misery: He hasn’t been sleeping, he’s eaten seven raisens and a pack of corn nuts (ack) and hasn’t showered.  Summer keeps laying down some truths when she says “Cohen. Zach is my boyfriend and you’re not. That part of my life does not belong to you.” And I just applaud and go to high five the computer screen. The computer screen does not high five back. Summer does a public service for the people that have to live with Seth, “Take a shower, Cohen. Zach and I didn’t have sex.”

    Rebecca is reading a magazine in a crazy nice hotel room. It seriously looks more like an apartment. Who is paying for this? There is a knock on the expensive door and we slow reveal that it’s Kirsten. She’s come to ask Rebecca if she’s in love with Sandy and I nod and say “duh, of course she is.” Rebecca concurs with me and Kirsten wonders how much Rebecca is willing to let Sandy sacrifice, before dramatically exiting through the expensive door. (M: Maybe her money is paying for…)

Doorbell. Ryan finds Renee outside, wanting to talk to him. I think that it was around here that Cat (she is up next and is a Snow and is generally awesome) remarked that Ryan was the “guidance counselor” of the show which made me laugh, cause seriously. Something about coming to your daughter’s on again off again teenage boyfriend for help and advice on something like this bothers me. But it makes much more sense if Ryan is the Unofficial Guidance Counselor.

Mari: It really sucks for Ryan because everyone tells him secrets that just end up getting him in trouble with all the important people in his life. It would be my favorite if he just shouted, “STOP TELLING ME THINGS, DAMMIT.” Alas.

Sweeney: I realized recently that I seem to have the opposite of Resting Bitch Face, which is something along the lines of, “I’LL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND FOREVER,” face, a close relative of the, “Tell Me All Your Secrets” face Ryan seems to have. Something about the blankness of his stares and the fact that he never really says much.

Samantha: I have that face too! Always! Life stories in All!The!Awkward!Places!

Renee needs Ryan to talk Lindsay out of the adoption because she isn’t sure if Caleb is really Lindsay’s father. So instead of telling her teenage daughter about this in an honest and respectful way, and helping her deal, she wants her boyfriend to talk her out of it with anything but the truth. (S: EVERY NON-COHEN PARENT IS THE WORST. Zero eyebrows for you, Renee.)

After a Not Commercial Break Sandy and Caleb are meeting in the empty offices on the weekend, and Sandy points out the Sketchiness Potential. But alas, Cal doesn’t want to talk about his Questionable Business Practices, he wants to talk about his Questionable Parenting Practices. Sandy, in his infinite parenting wisdom, points out how fucked up it is for them to do this to Lindsay on the day of the adoption party. “As a father, ask yourself if you love the girl. If you do, nothing else matters,” Sandy says, before exiting dramatically.

Marissa bouncily (she seriously bounces) knocks on Olivia Wilde’s door and then visually deflates when she sees that all of Olivia Wilde’s friends have already arrived. Marissa freaks and gets the biggest case of “OMG I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT SHAVING MY HANDS” I have ever seen. Olivia Wilde also notices and gets hurt that Marissa is is ditching her for Caleb. Yeah. That’s gotta sting. This is what happens when you date high schoolers who have very little emotional maturity. Also, what happens when you date Marissa Cooper. Olivia Wilde begs for communication but obviously that doesn’t happen.

Sweeney: I’m usually sad for Olivia Wilde for simply being on this show that she’s clearly already too good for even though she’s not famous yet, but now I’m bonus sad for Olivia Wilde for falling into the tragic trap of being too good for Marissa Cooper but dating her anyway.

Samantha: Seth is sitting at the Crab Shack eating some delicious looking food and sans coma makeup. I’m hungry. Zach arrives and tells Seth that he’s been thinking (uh-oh, TV has taught me that thinking is usually bad) and that while he has always believed in waiting for marriage to have sex, now he realizes that he was only waiting for the perfect moment. And that moment is Italy with Summer. Zach offers to let Seth punch him in the face and I get annoyed a little. It’s also weird that there’s no mention of what Summer maybe wants, but I guess she’s not really the point of this conversation between two guys about her sex life.

Seth gets up to go back to not showering. Maybe roll around in the dumpster a little, jump start the process. (M: A+) There is also reference to the tutor and we learn that Zach and her didn’t have sex because he was 14 and she was 30 and I just throw up in my mouth because that really just doesn’t make it any less gross, Zach. Ew.

Sweeney:

Samantha: Pier of Brooding Feels. Ryan tries to talk Lindsay out of the adoption with some lame arguments and she throws a little bit of a hissy fit. “What don’t I know, Ryan?” she asks. When he doesn’t answer she tells him that he can’t come to the party unless he supports her and stomps away. Then the camera pulls back and we watch Ryan brood out over the water while this weirdly chosen music plays. If you didn’t know any better then it makes it seem like Ryan’s wife just died and he’s pining for her over the unforgiving ocean. Fade to black.

Mari: His brood game really goes above the call of duty.

Samantha: Okay, so, I’m sure that someone has already pointed this out but Newport Beach has parties the way Sweet Valley High has dances. So it may be wishful thinking but I think the writers give a self aware nod to this. We cut to the party and a random party goer says “So guys, what’s the big mystery? Why are we all gathered here?” Like. Parties are such a default action for Newpsies that they attend parties without even knowing why they are attending all these parties. Newport Beach gets nervous when there hasn’t been a party in awhile and I head canon that this line was a nod to that. Maybe I’m reaching. (M: Nah.)

Annnnnyway, we see Sandy arrive at Rebecca’s hotel room apartment thing with chinese food. She’s gone but there is a note that gives him sad/frustrated face. I hope he doesn’t throw away that delicious chinese.

Seth is playing video games while Ryan gets dreamily fancied up for the party. Seth claims that he’s finally over it all and is in the final stages of venting. Ryan suggests venting it to Summer. Adam Brody is delightful when he tells Ryan that his blood will be on his hands if Summer kills him. He does a cute/weird finger wiggle thing. (See guys? I really don’t hate Seth.)

Marissa is reading Please Kill Me: This Uncensored Oral History of Punk in bed when Summer comes in. Summer references back to early in the episode when she said Zach was full of surprises and confesses that he didn’t believe in sex before marriage. But now he does and wants to do it in Tuscany. Summer goes on to confess that whenever her and Zach get close to doing the deed, Seth’s voice shows up in her head, so she’s not sure that she’s actually ready.

Mari: Look, I support Summer doing whatever Summer wants to do, but I hate that it was so casually alluded to that Seth and Alex hooked up, but now that Summer is in the same position it’s this whole ordeal. It seems to scream, “SUMMER CAN’T HAVE SEX WITH NOT SETH!” and that double standard sucks. 

Samantha: 1430 because exactly.

The girls have a Good Friend moment that leads Marissa to confess about her relationship with Olivia Wilde.

Sweeney: Echoing your earlier comment, I LOVE THE GOOD FRIEND MOMENTS. I teared up a little. Such cuteness.

Samantha: Ryan is outside the party house when Renee frantically walks up claiming that now, NOW is the moment to tell Lindsay. While she’s at the party and the most vulnerable and the most people are around. Instead of all the other days and times leading up to now. Okay. Ryan goes inside to get her and at first she’s all excited to see him. However, when she finds out that he’s tag teaming with her mom (even though he’s not really, he’s trying to minimize damage because he’s Ryan), she throws another mini fit. “At least I have one parent who supports me,” she says about Caleb, the father who hasn’t paid any attention to her for 16 years. Ryan finally drops the “he may NOT be the father” bomb and Lindsay storms away because this show loves a dramatic exit.

Sandy corners Kirsten and, in an unfair accusatory manner, demands to know what she said to Rebecca. Kirsten says that it isn’t her fault, because Sandy could have done the responsible thing, like hire her another lawyer. Things get more heated as Sandy says that he isn’t sure that he trusts her and you can see the light go out in Kirsten’s eyes. “Then we have much bigger problems.” Dramatic exit.

Cut to Caleb, with the Scotch, in the Billiards Room. Lindsay anxiously asks him if they can make the announcement now. Cal tells her that they should postpone the announcement because there’s no time like the last minute kind of time. I have actual Lindsay feels as she tearfully asks “Why? What did I do?” Cal says some more douchey, unfeeling things and Lindsay says that her real dad wouldn’t treat her this way. Then she, to the surprise of everyone, dramatically exits.

Sweeney: She also cries some very beautiful tears. No matter how many teenager shows we watch, I will never stop being jealous of all the beautiful, beautiful tears.

Stephanie: Lindsay drives off as Ryan chases after her. Lindsay, I know some traumatic stuff is going on, but that is Ryan Atwood in a suit, chasing you and calling out your name.

Julie stands in front of the crowd and announces that they are all here tonight because she is launching a magazine about their lives or whatever. If I’m in attendance I’m pretty let down by this anti-climatic reveal. She does a lot of weird dramatic hand gestures. I wish I could have found so many more gifs of this episode.

Mari: I don’t even know what she was gesturing toward, but it was fantastic.

Samantha: Marissa walks up to Olivia Wilde and apologizes for freaking out. She tells her that she finally told Summer and even though they have no chemistry together, all their smiles are cute.

Summer is watching The Valley in bed because she is one of us. Seth knocks on the door so that we can see the coma makeup for the final time. He tells her that he is finally over her and is cool with whatever happens between her and Zach. Summer makes all the “well, good” noises but you can tell that she is probably not completely okay with this development.

Sandy walks in on the boys morosely watching Hellboy. He has more Chinese food. Seth and Ryan talk about Hellboy, which I think is supposed to be Symbolic! but having never seen it, I can’t confirm. Seth says that Summer hates him and Ryan says that Lindsay hates him too and then they all decide to NOT eat the Chinese food and it is a tragedy.

Mari: Certainly the biggest tragedy of this episode.

Sweeney: So wasteful. Send it here, please!

 

Next time on The OC: It rains in Newport and it’s super dramatic in S02 E14 – The Rainy Day Women.