Buffy the Vampire Slayer S02 E01 – Apparently, dying sucks.

Previously: Buffy died, then came back to life and killed the Master. Also, Cordelia bit a vampire, which will never not be funny.
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When She Was Bad

Sweeney: Our return to Sunnydale opens with Willow and Xander walking down the street alone at night swapping movie quotes, until the game loses its appeal. They complain about how boring their summer has been, sans Buffy, who was apparently in LA with her dad. It seems that Xander’s hand cramped up playing rock-paper-scissors. LOLWUT? Oh, Xander. I’ll be honest: he was always my first pick for tragic-inner-circle death.

Lor: Plus, I call bullshit on his hand not being used to rigorous activity.

K: I also call bullshit on Willow saying that she doesn’t want to hear about Xander’s needs, considering she wants to have his babies.

Sweeney: Speaking of Buffy, Xander is SO OVER HER. He gets ice cream on Willow’s nose and they are THISCLOSE to making out when a vampire shows up and ruins the moment. Rude. Fortunately, Buffy is close behind to kill said vampire, drop some witty banter and a “Miss me?” while showing off her new haircut. All in a day’s work.

It’s sort of the hallmark of a second season back-to-school episode, a thing that we have not covered on our week of back-to-school episodes, so I’m glad we’re getting this in here. Thanks, Sunnydale! The actual back-to-school essential is showing off your new hair/wardrobe/car/pencil case, and reminding people of shit they already know — something you can’t do on a series pilot.

Lorraine: Truth. I know for me, personally, back to school was never back to school without some new shoes, a new ‘do and a couple of vampire deaths under my belt. Something like that.

K: Back to school for me was more about the new books. But I guess that’s what happens when you wear a uniform… 

Sweeney: Anyway, Xander tells Buffy that her timing totally did not suck, but we all know that Willow secretly disagrees. Buffy chides them for not being better prepared. I mean, who walks around without a cross? Sloppy, says Buffy.

Willow informs Buffy that she missed the burying of Master Bones because apparently we had to bury him and there was a big ceremony (K: With robes!). Then Willow asks if Buffy has seen Giles and she is all, “Why would I do that — I’ll see him at school,” which would make sense coming from a normal person while discussing their librarian, but not so much for the vampire slayer talking about her watcher that she hasn’t seen in months.

Xander says he’s glad to have her back and she’s all, “Yeah.. sure…” and clearly not herself. Demon of the week? Buffy’s inner demons. Deep shit.

Lor: Word. And I appreciate the deepness, and them wanting to have that whole, “I died” thing have lasting effects, but let it be known: I hate Buffy in this episode pretty hard core.

Sweeney: We cut to her bedroom where her dad is unloading the last of her suitcases with Joyce, and they discuss how absent and disconnected Buffy is, in case you didn’t infer that from the previous scene. Still not there yet? Don’t worry, we’ll keep dropping brick-subtle hints.

Cordelia reminds us of her static self from almost all of season one, just so that we can notice when we get to her character development scene later. “No one has suffered like I have suffered,” she says, because her fancy vacation did not include a trip to the beach. She considers the possibility that this could have been character-building, but, like, “I already have a lot of character. Is it possible to have too much character?” I know she’s awful, but I love her for it. After all, we owe her a bit of a debt around here.

Lor: It’s true. Thank you Cordelia for “Childhood Trauma.” Because of that, I’m not even going to mention your TRAGIC skunk-like highlights. Or, wait, wait. Are they FROSTED BANGS? Girl.

Sweeney: In continuing our brief run-down of reminding you of all the returning characters, Principal Snyder is his usual snarky, creepy self and Giles and Ms. Calendar make googly eyes at each other. Ms. Calendar talks about Burning Man and then she belittles books some more, which is the basic reason that I never liked her. I mean, yay happy Giles, but boo to her, in general.

K: I like to think that she belittles books just to mess with Giles. At least that’s what I HOPE…

Sweeney: That’s probably true, but it doesn’t change the general annoyance I had for her almost immediately. Maybe it’s just a vibe. A “this person sucks” vibe. Television characters do this to me often.

The gang meet up in the halls for chit-chat and Buffy is consistently flippant/glib, further demonstrations to the audience that she’s off, but the gang still have not caught on. Giles tells her that they can start training again whenever she is ready, and she insists that she’s ready now, even after he tries to assure her that it’s all right if she wants some time.

We move to an action-comedy sequence of Buffy hitting shit in the library while Giles falls over and also watches her get a little cray cray and break the equipment. She also flashes of images of the Master, before getting all crazy-faced and jittery while saying, “I’m ready. Whatever they got coming next, I’m ready.” And then she starts twitching. Maybe I made that last part up, but it’s implied.

K: Who doesn’t love a good training montage with a “get psyched” soundtrack?? Shame it ends up leaning towards “get psycho” rather than “get psyched.”

Sweeney: But no, the demon of the episode is not just Buffy’s inner demons, don’t worry! We are now in an underground-warehouse-basementy place. Learn it. Love it. It’s a major setting for bad vamps for a good while. It’s the Master’s Yankee Candle Lair 2.0, if you will, sans the entire Yankee Candle aesthetic. Anyway, here we have this Preacher Vamp giving an impassioned speech to a small band of vampires about how they’re down and out, but shit’s about to turn around for them! (Spoiler alert: probs not, my friend.)

“A new hope will arise. We will put our faith in him. He will show us the way.”

And who is this “him”? It’s the Annointed Onesie, of course. You know, because that worked so well for them the last time.

Lor: CRAP. I’m so tired of the Onesie. He makes me want to punch a little kid, and I’m not sure that’s an okay feeling to have.

Sweeney: Lor, we are way past that now. Maybe you don’t feel that way because you mostly hang out in Sweet Valley, but you’ve spent enough time in Stoneybrook not to have also crossed that point of no return.

Back at school we get more of Buffy’s I’M TOTALLY FINE routine. She tells Xander and Willow that she’s been having weird dreams and Xander tells her that, “Dreams are meaningful,” and Willow starts to talk about a dream about Xander before stopping herself. Giles enters with vampire drama and then goes crazy: “I’ve killed you once, it shouldn’t be too difficult to do it again.” He hits Buffy and they struggle and she pulls his face off and BAM it’s the Master, and then she wakes up.

Backing up: my sister caught the first clue that this is a dream, before Buffy even talks about her weird dreams, Xander and Willow pull out food junk food and fruit respectively, and swap it. She didn’t catch the significance, exactly, but did actually point out, “What? Xander is giving up junk food?” Mostly because that was the thing that struck her most about Xander in the nightmare episode — the fact that he was giddily eating all the rando candy bars all over the floor. A+ for her. She’ll do well if anyone ever tries to Inception her.

Lor: Good on her! I did not really pay attention to that. After I found out it was a dream, though, it was interesting to note the different facets of it. Giles is the one that attacks her. Her friends do nothing to help her. Look at all the meanings!

K: Snaps to Sweeney’s sister, because I’ve been a Buffy fan for over 10 years now, and have NEVER noticed that. #fail

Sweeney: Buffy wakes up in her bedroom and Angel is in her room and she’s ultra rude. (K: To be fair, I would be too if I woke up and some creeper was watching me sleep…) He warns her about the Annointed Onesie and doesn’t like how blasé she is about the whole thing, insisting that she shouldn’t underestimate the kiddo.

His serious tone is not reciprocated, as Buffy continues to be sassy and rude until he finally apologizes and whispers that he missed her, before slipping all stealthy and Angel-like through the window. She does soften up and say she missed him too, but he’s already gone.

We really bring home the fact that she is really angsty about the whole, “I died,” thing on the ride to school, as Joyce asks her what’s wrong and she’s non-responsive. They don’t really make a Parenting A Slayer handbook, and this is a rare moment of Joyce trying to be a good parent, but still, it is telling that part of how we demonstrate that Buffy is Seriously Not All Right is by having her typically negligent mother take notice.

Buffy tells Willow and Xander about Angel’s visit, which makes Willow all FLAIL and Xander obviously not so much. They run into Cordelia, and Buffy has Grade A snark. She basically behaves like Cordelia. My supremely adorable father loved this moment, because he delights in bitchy-girls-get-told-off scenes. Yes, that’s right, Buffy is a family affair in my house now.

K: Can I move in with your family, Sweeney??

Sweeney: Of course.

Still, even if Cordelia is getting a dose of her own medicine, Willow notices that this means that something is wrong, because Buffy is snarky, but not a bitch. It’s a fine line.

Lor: One us Snark Ladies are totally aware of. Wouldn’t want to give the Internet the wrong impression while we’re doling out ho suspensions and calling fictional middle schoolers cunty…

Sweeney: Absolutely. Snarky, not bitchy. IT’S A THING.

At The Bronze that night, Willow tries to recreate the ice cream moment by getting whipped cream on her nose, but it’s a bust and only succeeds in making me incredibly sad for her (K: Cosign).

Then Preacher Vamp and Annointed Onesie oversee a bunch of vampires, including one who reminds me far too much of Escaped Felon McBible, as they dig up Master Bones. Ruh-roh.

Back at The Bronze, Buffy arrives, in a short skimpy dress, which is actually her normal wardrobe, but now it’s supposed to be noticed that she’s dressed in a short skimpy dress.

Lor: Apart from the fact that she’s worn many-a-fetus-skirt, feel free to think of this outfit as the exact opposite of the Pretty White Virginal Dress.

K: I think the difference is that it’s skimpy on the top as well as the bottom? Usually her foetus skirts are paired with a t-shirt, or at least have a jacket over the top. This one is another example of Buffy Needs To Buy A Bra.

Sweeney: She kicks off the night by having a sassy chat with Angel, where she insults him and my heart gets a little sad for him too. Cordelia watches, all-knowing.

From there, she goes up to Xander and pulls him to the dance floor, sure that both Angel and Willow are watching. They have dance floor not-sex, and we cut to shots of everyone else (Angel, Willow, and Cordelia) watching all of this with expressions of varying degrees of sadness and disgust. Finally, Buffy whispers, “Xander, did I ever thank you for saving my life? Don’t you wish I would?” before walking off.

Lor: Dude, burn. I mean, on top of leaving him on the dance floor with the biggest boner of his life, burn. He saved your life, bitch.

K: Seriously. He has the most hilariously awkward “OH GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING???” expressions on his face during this scene, so…yeah.

Sweeney: Outside, Cordelia stops her for a heart-to-heart; it’s the bitch-has-a-heart scene, if you will. Cordelia remains bitchy, of course, but wisely tells Buffy to get over it. “Whatever is causing the Joan Collins ‘tude, deal with it,” because, “Pretty soon you won’t even have the loser friends you have now.” Buffy tells Cordelia to mind her own business and Cordelia tries to bring her point home with a snarky comment about Angel as Buffy walks away.

As Buffy is walking off, Cordelia gets abducted and Buffy doesn’t hear it. Cordelia gets tossed in a room with an unconscious Ms. Calendar.

On Buffy’s walk home, she comes across the Master’s grave, where his bones have been dug up. How/why did they bury him in the cemetery? Setting aside this larger question of why they buried him at all, cemeteries are private grounds. I started to type, “Didn’t anyone notice…” and couldn’t even finish the sentence because LOLSUNNYDALE. Fine. Whatever.

Back at school Willow is pursuing a Buffy-Is-Possessed theory. Giles says that it’s probably not being possessed, so much as a much more normal, mundane thing, like being a little traumatized from the whole dying-because-she-was-fated-to-do-so-as-part-of-her-big-chosen-one-duty thing. You know, that.

And then Buffy walks up. Awkward.

Buffy tells them that the Master Bones are MIA, so clearly the other vampires are trying to bring him back. Giles is stunned and says that he’s never heard of revivification ceremony working, to which Buffy and I both shout, “BUT YOU’VE HEARD OF THEM?” And nobody brings up the corresponding elephant in the room of, “THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BURY THE BONES INSTEAD OF DESTROYING THEM?”

Lor: I have a theory and it rhymes with slot bontrivance.

K: Clearly, no one in Sunnydale watches Supernatural.

Sweeney: Willow tries to defend Giles and Buffy shuts her up because it’s “slayer stuff,” requiring “a little less talk from the civilians.” Xander is about to try to stick up for Willow when Snyder walks up and sends them off to class.

Snyder is a little off his game in this episode, but since he’s here, I’ll share this gem: “You really have faith in those kids?” he asks Giles. “Weird.” It’s more sad-portrait-of-the-way-many-school-administrators-actually-feel than funny to me, but whatever.

Back in the library that night, Giles finds the details on the ritual. They will need the person or persons (CLUE!) who were close to the vampire. Buffy decides, not unreasonably, albeit hastily, that this means her, on account of their killing each other promoting togetherness.

Then a rock is thrown in the window with Cordelia’s bracelet and a note telling her to go to The Bronze. Clearly a trap, but Buffy’s all, “BYE I’M ON MY WAY OVER THERE.” The gang all wants to go, and she’s all, “NO, THANKS.” I know how this ends, and obviously she’s being a bitch, but honestly, I can’t find a lot of fault with their choices. She has a point about their relative uselessness, and that is not undermined by what ultimately happens.

Lor: I disagree. Mostly because Buffy is being a bitch. And, I mean, I know that the others are generally useless, but they have their moments of, you know, bringing you back to life and stuff. So I’d throw them a fucking bone.

K: I’m mostly just sad that Xander doesn’t impersonate Admiral Ackbar, because TRAP. 

Sweeney: On her way over to The Bronze, she has a run-in with Angel. “You know, being stalked isn’t really a big turn-on for girls.” Oh, Buffy, if only you knew what was coming in the world of pop culture vampires. Hear this, fictional vampires and their fan fiction offspring: stalking is not a turn-on.

Lor:

K: +1

Sweeney: Buffy keeps rolling with her whole bitch thing, because we haven’t reached the big tipping point on that yet. She tries to get Angel to fight her. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t take the bait and reminds her that she has somewhere to be.

Lor: I will admit that when Buffy was all, “kick my ass,” I was hoping Angel would. A little bit. For us viewers at home.

Sweeney: “Stay out of my way,” she says. “Happy to oblige.” LOLBUT then she goes in the Bronze and he is right behind her, so not so much obliging, since Buffy is being ridiculous.

In The Bronze there is a brunette on the floor, crying. Buffy realizes right away that it’s not Cordelia and asks where Cordelia is. Angel points out that this is all kinds of not right. “I don’t like this. There’s the hook, where’s the bait?”

Back in the library, Giles realizes that he got the translation wrong and that it’s persons who were physically nearest to the vampire. “It is a trap; it just isn’t for her.” Oops.

Buffy makes Angel hold onto the girl vamp, rather than kill him, which, I guess, points for that foresight, because I’d have been on team Kill Her. This is our clue that she’s coming back to herself, because I’ve been pretty much on the same page with Bitch Buffy’s decision making. Reason #84224 that I would be a terrible (and quickly deceased) vampire slayer.

Of course, I’m not sure why they can’t just bring the girl vampire with them. There are two of them and one of her, and it seems unwise and inefficient to split up like that, but whatever.

She returns to the library, where she finds it torn up and a bloody-nosed Xander, who is now all kinds of furious. “If they hurt Willow, I’ll kill you,” he threatens. It’s nice that he’s finally acknowledging where his loyalty should be, but I’m not sure how he intends to make good on that threat. Also, as he said hurt, not kill, I’ll add that he doesn’t.

Lor: Of course Xander can’t kill Buffy, but A+ for bravery. I approve of his threat getting us one step closer to at least killing Bitchy Buffy.

K: I guess he could kill her by no longer yelling “Buffy!” to warn her that there’s another vampire sneaking up behind her during fight scenes??

Sweeney: Buffy asks why they took them and not him, and Xander explains what Giles just realized about the ritual. This means that they now have everyone they need – Ms. Calendar, Cordelia, Giles, and Willow. The next question is figuring out how to find them. Fortunately, Buffy had that smart thinking moment and they have a captured vampire.

She returns to The Bronze with Xander and tortures the captured vamp for information by shoving a cross down her throat, which seems to make both Angel and Xander a tad squeamish, what with torture not being a part of Buffy’s usual routine.

Back in the creepy underground place, (Lor: factory?) the captured four are dangling by their feet over a table with Master Bones nicely laid out. (K: Cumulative “Giles ends up unconcious” count: 5) Seeing Master Bones makes Buffy squirm a little, but she keeps it together, and tells Angel and Xander to get the others out of there. Her job will be to distract the vampires. Angel asks her what she’s going to do, to which she replies, “I’m going to kill them all — that ought to distract them.”

There’s our girl.

Then the big epic fight ensues, in accordance with the basic law of such fights — never more than two actually attacking her at once. Angel and Xander get the others free, with Xander doing most of the actual getting-them-free and Angel running defense on that mission. The others have been unconscious, so when Giles comes to, he asks where Buffy is. Xander says that she’s “working out her issues.”

K: Things I want to know: how long it took to film the scenes where Willow, Giles, Cordy and Ms. Calendar had to hang from their ankles. Because HEADRUSH. 

Sweeney: Angel is now fighting vampires as well, with broken off pieces of wood and it makes me anxious, because it looks like that could very easily go the wrong way for him. You should really have safe-guarded stakes, Angel. Complete with a rubber grip, perhaps?

It’s the final showdown as Preacher Vamp dispenses his own bit of pre-fight banter, to which Buffy replies, “So, are you gonna kill me, or are we just making small talk?” LOLZ. I think she’s just mad because that’s her thing. Then she offs the last two vamps.

Lor: With a particularly cool Buffy Break, I might add, as she insta-fashions a stake out of a standing torch.

Sweeney: Willow’s all relieved and sighing because it’s over, but Xander, being all wise and shit, says, “Not yet,” referring to Buffy’s Unresolved Issues.

Then Buffy takes a sledge hammer to Master Bones, and I’m all, “WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T WE JUST DO THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE?” After she’s thoroughly obliterated the bones, Angel walks up from the shadows she sobs into his shoulder. Issues worked out. All better now!

The next day, we have another plot-irrelevant but still fantastic snippet of Cordelia talking to Ms. Calendar. “The worst part is, it stays with you forever,” she laments. “You can dry clean until judgment day, those stains are never coming out.”

Then Buffy freaks out to Giles about how she can’t face her friends. “I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school.” Remember that, kids! That’s Buffy’s lesson for you. However awful a start your school year is off to, it can’t be that bad! Thanks, Buffy; I feel better all ready.

Lor: Additionally, if you are going to put your best friends in mortal danger, at least wait until the second week. Duh.

Sweeney: She finally sees them in class and they laugh and have a good time and it’s totally like any other episode of a 90’s show with teenagers, complete with jokes about boring teachers, and the cheesy TV music. “Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledge hammer, but gosh, we did that last night,” Xander jokes, as a reminder that we’re in Sunnydale and not Beverly Hills.

The cheesy music that the episode seems prepared to end on is really the highlight, because it could have easily been pulled from any of our other shows this week. It’s fantastically cliche. Fortunately, this is Buffy, and we don’t actually end there. We cut to the creepy underground place with a shot of the master’s skull, and the Anointed Onesie: “I hate that girl.”

That’s more like it.

The Slayer & company’s final words on our week of back to school lessons?

1) Wait until the second week of school to put your friends in mortal danger

2) Being captured by vampires will ruin your clothes, so probably don’t do that.

3) If putting your fate in a demonic child failed you once, it’ll probably fail you again.

4) It’s best to work out your emotional issues with a sledge hammer.

5) Most important lesson of all: Being stalked by fictional vampires or, you know, anybody is NOT a turn-on. File that away. Bookmark it. Favorite it. Make it your new life philosophy.

 

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Cordelia is a victim of another monster of the week. Exciting times ahead on S02 E02 – Some Assembly Required.