Previously: Teenage girls got chopped into pieces, a ginger guy had an unfortunate monobrow, Angel wore an Old Man Jacket, and someone tried to decapitate Cordelia. You know, a usual week in Sunnydale.
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School Hard
Kirsti: YOU GUYS. You have NO idea how excited I am to be covering this episode. When we worked out the schedule a few weeks back, I *may* have done a little dance when my “Pleeeease let me cover School Hard?” whining was listened to.
Lor: I figured that since K’s been saying, “just WAIT until Spike gets here,” since, you know, like the dawn of time, it would only be fair that she cover it. Also, special shout out to some of our readers that found us through the SU Herald, specifically 3hours, and Jojo, who have been waiting for us to cover this episode. WHAT UP. (That was my shout out, FYI.)
K: YES. Oh my God, I can’t believe I forgot to give you guys a shout out. I mentioned it to Lor and Sweeney weeks ago, and then? Brain fart. ANYWAY. We open with Snyder addressing the two most troublesome students in the school – on one hand, we have Sheila, who Snyder says once stabbed a horticulture teacher with a trowel. She protests, saying that they were pruning shears. Lovely. On the other hand? Buffy, with her burning down of school buildings.
Lor: This is a totally unfair assessment because Buffy burned down some other school’s building and has mostly left Sunnydale High in tact. Sins of the past, Snyder. Sins of the past.
K: See, that’s what I thought too. But then I remembered that she was kind of responsible for burning down the old science lab in the last episode…
Sweeney: I’m with Lor, as is my sister. We may have had a long chat about how unreasonable it is for a school administrator to hold that against her. IT WAS ANOTHER SCHOOL. SHE CAN’T BE THE BIGGEST TROUBLE MAKER IN THIS SCHOOL FOR TROUBLE SHE CAUSED AT ANOTHER SCHOOL. I’ll stop shouting now. I will not, however, stop trying to get bonus votes from my little sister.
K: Snyder tells them that they have the SUPER fun task of organising parent-teacher night. And if they mess up, expulsion will be on the cards. Okay, seriously? Either Snyder is high on power or it’s WAY easier to expel kids in America than it is in Australia…
Outside, Buffy tries to make plans with Sheila, who goes “yeah, whatever” and immediately goes off with a hairy biker dude whose name appears to be Meat Pie. I have no words.
Buffy mopes to Willow and Xander, and argues that it’s not fair to compare her to the Biker Dating Stabby Girl, because she’s the Slayer. Xander tells her not to worry, and that as long as nothing bad happens, it’ll be fine. Buffy immediately turns on him, claiming that he’s jinxed her. Willow backs her up, and they storm off. Xander monologues that maybe this time, it’ll be different.
AND INDEED IT WILL. Cut to a car driving into the “Welcome to Sunnydale” sign. And out gets:
SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIKE!!!!!!!! All is right with the world, you guys. Because Spike’s in town. “Home sweet home,” he says with a grin, and I squee as the credits roll.
Lor: That’s some bleached blond hair, you guys. Also, is it weird that I find his vampy-grill weirdly attractive? Like, I mean, to be a vampy-grill, it’s kind of attractive. More attractive than others? I’ll shut up now.
K: I read somewhere once that James Marsters had to bleach his hair like every ten days for the entire time he played Spike. I’m kind of astonished he still has hair after that kind of treatment! (S: I love you sohard for knowing this.)
Back in the factory, the Anointed Onesie has apparently recruited a really boring vamp with a goatee to kill Buffy. Goatee Vamp says that when he kills Buffy, it’ll be the biggest event since the crucifixion, and he should know because he was there.
Enter Spike: “YOU were there? Oh PLEASE! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, the place would have been like Woodstock.” And in that one sentence, Spike trumped Angel forever. He knocks out Goatee Vamp, and tells the Anointed Onesie that he’s come to kill the Slayer, and that he’s killed a couple of Slayers before. Just as he’s about to tell the Onesie the story, in walks Drusilla in a dress stolen from Lizzie Bennet.
Dru proves herself to be totally bonkers in about five seconds flat, and I once again cheer because Spike and Dru are SO much more fun than stupid Angel.
Lor: Uh, also CRAZY. Let’s go back to the part where this is my first time watching this and Drusilla just licked blood off of Spike’s cheek. CA-RAY-ZY. You guys realize this is crazy, right? I’m just asking.
Sweeney: YEP. But, you know, they’re vampires.
K: And the crazy is why she’s fun.
Spike announces that they’re moving in, and asks if the Slayer is tough (L: In a suddenly Irish accent?! WTF was that??) We cut to Buffy, who whinges to Joyce that she spent her allowance on a cream rinse that is “neither creamy nor rinsey.” Bonus points to Buffy for using neither/nor with made up forms of words. Joyce is more concerned with the reminder about parent-teacher night that came in the post and the fact that Buffy hadn’t told her about it. She threatens a grounding if Buffy’s teachers don’t give her a glowing report, and then guilt trips Buffy by bringing up the whole “we had to move once already because of you and your hijinks” thing. UGH. Just when we thought there was genuine parental concern in there!
At school the next day, Willow’s helping Buffy with banners because Sheila didn’t show. Willow’s wearing a Scooby Doo t-shirt, and I LOL. Giles and Ms. Calendar come up with the thrilling news that this Saturday is the Feast of St Vigeous, and that as a result badness is on the horizon.
Lor: So, we give a lot of slack to Sweet Valley High for constantly having some convenient excuse for a dance or a party. In the last book I recapped, homegirl threw A POST-KIDNAPPING PARTY. All this to say that vague saint-y holidays are Sunnydale’s school dances.
K: Truth.
Buffy’s all “DUDE. Let me get through parent-teacher night first?”so Willow and Xander offer to help take the pressure off. Xander says that as he whittles stakes, he plans to whistle a jaunty tune, and my God, I love some of the lines he gets in this season. (L: +1. I’m not finding him nearly as annoying so far.)
At the Bronze that night, Willow is helping Buffy with her French. “La vache doit me touche de la Jeudi,” Buffy says. Willow and I cringe, before Willow informs her that she just said “the cow should touch me from Thursday.” “Ugh, je stink,” Buffy replies. Xander insists that the girls dance with him, and Spike lurks in the background before telling one of the Onesie’s minions to go find a bite to eat.
Lor: As Buffy dances (but not as skankily as she does in “When She Was Bad), is it me, or is Spike giving her some SERIOUS “statutory-rape-you” eyes?
K:Spike mentions loudly that someone outside is trying to bite a girl and that he needs to call the cops. Buffy runs outside and gets her Slay on.
Lor: Xander runs back inside to get a stake for Buffy. He goes through her purse and there’s a yo-yo, which amazed me, because Buffy was playing with a yo-yo in my last episode!!! I’m sorry, but I’m not used to continuity in the things I cover. Xander also pulls out a tampon which he handles with all the grace of a 16-year-old boy. Basically, “EW COOTIES!”
K: Which, incidentally, draws FAR more attention to the fact that he’s found a tampon. Also? Can we just all take note of how much LESS traumatic this tampon incident is, compared to the last one?
Sweeney: Truth. Xander doesn’t know how easy he has it.
K: Meanwhile, back in the alley, Spike – who was using the whole vamp attack thing to spy on Buffy’s fighting – gives her a round of applause. She asks who he is, and he says she’ll find out on Saturday when he kills her, before disappearing into the night. On the bad side of town, Sheila leaves a dive bar with two biker types. She’s drunk and doesn’t notice that they’ve suddenly disappeared until she comes face-to-face with Spike.
In the Wiggins Library, Giles wonders what the hell kind of name Spike is. And I have to stop and point out that while everyone else is wearing sweaters, Buffy is wearing a skimpy knit halter top:
Lor: They apparently also don’t need bras. JUST KIDDING. BUFFY COULD TOTALLY USE A BRA.
This is going to be a thing, isn’t it?
K: You know it. I would start a “Times Buffy needed a bra” count, but it would pretty much be “all the times ever.” So we won’t do that.
Willow asks if they can please hide forever on Saturday because Spike gives her the wiggins. Giles says that he can’t be any worse than any other vamp and Angel appears out of nowhere, saying that Spike is definitely worse and that once he starts something, he never stops until everything in his path is dead. There’s some snoreworthy flirting between Buffy and Angel before Willow goes “Wow. 200 years of dating. Even if you only had two a year, that’s still like four hundred…” and trails off awkwardly as Buffy glares at her. Oh, Will. You really are the best friend EVER. Giles points out that there are more important things to deal with, before asking Angel if Spike goes by another name. But in typical fashion, Angel’s disappeared again.
Back at the factory, we get some more batshit crazy from Drusilla, this time with added porcelain dolls. (L: WTF.)
Spike says that the Hellmouth is definitely the place for them before we see Sheila chained to the wall. He says he’s going to go and play nice with the Onesie and begs Drusilla to eat something. She talks to her dolls some more before getting her bite on.
Lor: You know from the start that Dru is a vamp, but I must admit that the cut away to Sheila and then back to Dru with her vampy-grill on was pretty cool.
Sweeney: Cosign.
K: +1.
In the Wiggins Library, the gang are doing a weapons check and whittling stakes. Buffy holds up a machete before using it to chop up a cucumber. I LOL forever because it’s not even remotely effective. Giles gives them the goss on the feast of St Whatsit, and Xander asks if anyone remembers when Saturday night meant date night. In a typically fantastic burn, Cordelia’s reply is “You sure don’t.” She then asks why Buffy needs so many stakes, because if Spike’s as bad as they say, it’ll be over fast. When Buffy gives her “WTF?” face, Cordy clarifies by saying that they’re all cheering for her and that she’d be there to support her if she didn’t have a leg wax. Cordy has her priorities right – leg wax trumps mass vampire attack every time.
Sweeney: I’d like to institute a policy where it’s understood that I +1 everything Cordelia says unless otherwise specified.
K: So noted.
Lor: What up, Cordy? I suppose almost getting your heard chopped off in “Some Assembly Required” was the official welcome into the Scooby Gang.
K: In the lounge, Buffy pours lemonade, and says that she made it from scratch. Willow asks how much sugar she used and then takes a sip without waiting for the answer. Buffy’s response is “Sugar?”and Willow makes this face:
Joyce arrives, and Willow whisks her away as Snyder approaches. Snyder gets cranky, and Buffy claims her mother speaks no English. Oh, honey. At least find a plausible lie…
Later that night, the shit hits the fan when Joyce and Snyder finally run into each other. Back in the Library, Giles has found out about Spike – known as William the Bloody, he earned his nickname torturing victims with railroad spikes. Joyce and Snyder return from his office, and Joyce is SUPER pissed. As they’re about to leave the school, Spike and his minions burst through the front window, and Spike announces “What can I say – couldn’t wait.”
Lor: Angel enters and leaves a room without making a peep, walking around in shadows. Spike bursts through a window. My general impression so far is that therein lies the difference between them.
K: Yup. That pretty much sums it up!
Buffy throws a chair at him and drags her mother and several others to safety. Cordy and Willow end up hiding in a janitor’s closet, while Giles, Xander and Ms. Calendar are in the library. Buffy, Joyce, Snyder and several randoms are in a classroom. Giles sends Xander out through the old boarded up cellar in the stacks (SERIOUSLY???) to get Angel. Joyce asks if there’s something wrong with their faces, and Snyder says it’s a gang on PCP. Uh huh. Totally believable. (L: Another nice call back, this time to the pilot.)
He wants to escape out the window. Buffy gets her Commanding the Army voice on and tells him that no one is leaving.
Lor: Also, Spike is sing-songing everything. He apparently got Xander’s jaunty tune memo.
K: Buffy disappears into the roof, and Joyce apparently doesn’t find this at all weird.
Buffy falls through the ceiling into the library, stocks up on weapons, and tells Giles to get everyone out. She disappears into the ceiling again, and Giles appears to look up her skirt as he tells her to watch her back. Meanwhile, Xander arrives back with Angel, and I marvel because Willow’s seemingly normal outfit is paired with plaid tights.
Buffy emerges from the ceiling just in time to slay the vamp that was about to break through the door and kill her mum. Sheila turns up and grabs a fire axe to help after Buffy explains the situation. Meanwhile, Spike and Angel (who has Xander in a headlock) reminisce about old times. Angel says that he gave Buffy the puppy dog eyes routine, and Spike replies “People still fall for that Anne Rice routine?” I pine for the days when vampires = Anne Rice, rather than Stephenie Meyer. Xander, from his position in Angel’s armpit, calls Angel an “undead liar guy.” Back to Buffy, who tells Sheila to stay behind her. The camera pans out to reveal that Sheila’s a vampire. She raises the axe menacingly just as they pass the library, and Giles yells “BUFFY, LOOK OUT!” through the window. Buffy spins around, grabs the axe, and starts fighting. Hilariously, the vampire who isn’t Sheila that she kills at this point appears to explode into glitter. Edward Cullen, we hardly knew thee. Sheila wisely runs for the door.
Spike and Angel are still reminiscing, and they agree to share a bite of Xander before they kill the Slayer. But at the last minute, Spike punches Angel, and then says “You think you can fool ME? You were my Sire, man, you were my…Yoda!” and I love him just a little bit more for making a Star Wars reference.
Lor: SSSKKKKKKKKKKKKKKRRRRT.
SAY WUH??
SIRE? Oh my. This just adds a weird slightly incestuous level to any budding love triangle. No? Just me?
Sweeney: Indeed. It’s like demoncest, though, because we’re talking about the creation of vampires, not people, but still.
K: Yeahhhhhhhh, they ultimately go back on what they said there and make it EVEN WORSE. I guess? I’m still not sure…
Spike’s minions attack, while Xander and Angel run for the door. Spike, meanwhile, stays back to fight Buffy. After some witty banter, he says it won’t hurt a bit. Buffy’s reply is “No, Spike. It’s going to hurt a LOT.” Poor Spike. You don’t know the half of it.
A big fight ensues, and we cut to Joyce and the others escaping through the stacks. Just as Spike’s about to hit Buffy with a wall beam, Joyce pulls a Molly Weasley, (L: A+) hitting him with the fire axe and saying “You get the HELL away from my daughter!” Spike runs off, and the Summers women hug.
Lor: Loved it. Spike gave up kind of easy, but I mean, axes are scary. Anyways: Loved it.
Sweeney: Ditto, she totally gets 5/5 Sandy Cohen Eyebrows for this moment.
K: Axes ARE scary. Also a little scary? How enormous Joyce’s hair is. Outside, the Chief of Police asks Snyder what he should tell the media, and it’s clear that they’re both in on the whole “BTW, the town is overrun by vampires” thing.
Lor: GAH!! LOVED IT. Seriously, what a great episode for plot development.
K: Joyce, meanwhile, tells Buffy that she’s super proud of her, and it’s a relief that she’s almost a responsible parent for two whole minutes.
Cut to the factory at dawn. Spike mopes to Drusilla about the idea of a Slayer with a family and friends. “How’s the Annoying One?” he asks, and I love Spike all over again because he brings the snark to us. He offers penance to the Onesie, before laughing and saying that he’d do exactly the same thing again, grabbing the Onesie, shoving him in a cage, and pulling him up into the sunlight.
Lor: Uh, okay. I wasn’t loving or hating Spike in this episode until the moment he put the Onesie over his shoulder BECAUSE WHY DIDN’T ANYONE ELSE DO THAT? HE’S AN EMBRYO FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
Then he put him in the cage and, yeah, okay. I’ll forgive the face licking thing. You killed the Onesie. You can stay.
K: “From now on, we’ll have a little less ritual and a little more fun around here,” he says. And I completely agree.
Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: A mummy princess falls in love with Xander. Also: Seth Green? Wuh? Find out wuh exactly on S02 E04 – Inca Mummy Princess.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
