Previously: Dean totally had a kid and no one can convince me otherwise.
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Bad Day at Black Rock
Kirsti: We open at a prison. A dude I know from One Episode of Everything Ever heads into the visiting area where he’s visiting Gordon. UGH, GORDON. (A: I second this ugh.) He fills Gordon in on what happened in Wyoming, and Gordon’s all “SAM WINCHESTER WAS THERE”. Our random visitor, Kubrick, confirms it, but says he’s heard the Winchesters were there to help. Gordon refuses to believe it, and says “Sam Winchester must die”. He hangs up the phone (without saying goodbye) and we fade to black.
SATAN’S SCREENSAVER!
After the Not Credits, the Bromobile bros through the night while the boys fight about Ruby and whether or not Sam should have thrown holy water in her face. Sam yells that Ruby said she could help get Dean out of his demon deal, and Dean’s “WTF” face is priceless.
He tells Sam that Ruby’s clearly lying, and Sam snaps that he’s not an idiot and that they need to use Ruby as an asset if they’re going to stand a chance at winning the war. They continue bickering until a phone rings. They both check their pockets, but the ringing phone is in the glove box and belongs to Papa Winchester. Sam answers and is informed that Papa Winchester’s storage locker (who’s been paying the fees for the past year?!) (A: Shhhh, don’t question where the Winchester Bros get their endless money from) (K: Fair.) outside Buffalo has just been broken into. They bro on through the night.
Cut to a caravan the following day. Kubrick’s gained himself a friend, and they’re cleaning their weapons while discussing the fact that Gordon’s a good hunter and therefore must be totally right about Sam being evil and/or dangerous. Maybe it’s just me, but a dude who’s in PRISON doesn’t seem all that reputable a source of information… Whatever. Sidekick Guy says they should start calling contacts looking for a lead on Sam and Dean’s location, and fiddles with a statue of Jesus. We’re treated to some wacky funtimes music as we see that Kubrick’s caravan is decorated with Jesus art. He reclaims the statue with a “Don’t play with my Jesus.” It’s as weird as it sounds.
Over near Buffalo, Dean chuckles about how they spent their whole lives with Papa Winchester but never really knew him at all. YES, BECAUSE HE WAS THE SCUM OF THE EARTH. They open the storage locker to find blood on the floor. Dean crouches down to show us that there’s a trip wire in the doorway. It’s attached to a shotgun, so someone got shot for their trouble. The boys are impressed by Papa Winchester’s lack of trust ingenuity. Dean says there are two sets of boot tracks on the floor, so it was clearly a two man job. They wander through the storage locker, which is filled with all kinds of random junk and some nostalgia, like Sam’s soccer trophies and the first sawn off shotgun Dean ever made. He says happily that he was in sixth grade when he made it, and I stop to mentally set Papa Winchester on fire all over again, because NO. NOT OKAY.
Anna May: I love that Dean flippantly says “closest you ever came to being a boy” right before reminding us that he pretty much literally never had a childhood. Side-eye glaring at Papa Winchester forever.
Kirsti: YUP. Forever and ever and ever.
Sam heads further back and finds a cage very similar to Giles’ restricted section in the Wiggins Library. Except that instead of rare books about demonology, it’s filled with grenades and guns and land mines. Sam spots a bunch of mystical curse boxes at the end of the locker, and infodumps that they can contain the evil power of a cursed object. Dean says that the Filofax of Shadows mentioned a bunch of cursed and hexed objects that Papa Winchester found over the years, but never where they ended up. Sam says that they’ve found his “toxic waste dump“. He realises that a box is missing, and they both hope like hell that no one opened it.
Cut to a couple of shifty looking guys in a crappy apartment, arguing about whether they should open the box. I can’t help but be disappointed that Dean’s already quoted the “What’s in the box?” line from Se7en this season. Not!Shot Shifty Guy says they should open the box and see if the contents are valuable because they took all the risk and so they shouldn’t just hand it over to “her“. Shot Shifty Guy disagrees. But it’s too late. Not!Shot Shifty Guy (you know what, I’m just going to call him Grossman, because it’s his name) has jimmied open the box. They stare at the contents in confusion. “It’s a rabbit’s foot!” yells Shot Shifty Guy in disbelief. He picks it up, and there’s a weird little “dude, you shouldn’t have done that” sound effect.
Just then, someone hammers on the door. It’s Grossman’s neighbour, who demands that they keep the noise down. But when he sees that Shot Shifty Guy is bleeding, he enter-nounces that he was an army medic in Vietnam and he can totally help. He declares it SSG’s lucky day, and the zoomy cameraman zooms in on the rabbit’s foot. BECAUSE IT’S LUCKY, GET IT?? (A: No, I don’t think I got it, could we get him to zoom in one more time?) Sometime later, the music turns ominous as the Bromobile turns up outside the apartment building. Dean informs us that the thieves should have thought to do something about their licence plate before parking in front of the security camera so that we know how they tracked them down.
Back in the apartment, SSG’s winning his millionth hand of poker in a row. He and Grossman keep drinking and playing poker as Sam and Dean pick the lock and creep into the apartment, guns drawn. SSG says they should keep the rabbit’s foot forever because he literally can’t lose. Just then, Sam and Dean burst out and start yelling, police style. Dean demands the box, and Sam informs him that it’s been opened. Dean slams SSG against the wall and demands to know what was in it. He looks pointedly at the rabbit’s foot sitting on the table, and Dean’s all “The fuck is that?”. SSG takes advantage of Dean’s distraction and attacks. Dean drops his gun, which fires. The bullet pings off the radiator and hits Sam’s gun, causing him to drop it. We’re treated to more wacky funtimes music as we’re thrown into a comical fight scene in which the boys get knocked down repeatedly.
Grossman pins Sam to the ground and starts choking him. Sam reaches out and grabs hold of the rabbit’s foot. There’s a “dude, you shouldn’t have done that” sound again, and suddenly he’s able to overpower Grossman and kick him across the room. Sam stands up and yells to Dean that he’s got the rabbit’s foot, but he comes face to face with SSG’s gun. He pulls the trigger, but it’s out of ammo or jammed or broken or some shit. IDK, you guys, we have gun control. SSG stumbles backwards, falls over, and knocks himself out. The boys look confused. Grossman goes to shoot, but the gun flies out of his hand and into Sam’s as a bookshelf collapses on Grossman’s head. Dean looks impressed as the wacky fun music crescendos. They realise that Sam’s holding a rabbit’s foot and both have “Huh” moments.
Later, in the Bromobile, Sam says there’s no mention of the rabbit’s foot in the Filofax of Shadows. Dean’s bought a bunch of scratch lottery tickets, because why the hell not. Sam scratches one while saying that it has to be cursed somehow, and promptly wins $1200. Dean whoops and hands him another ticket. Back in the crappy apartment, SSG comes to. He tries and fails to wake Grossman, kicking a beer bottle out of the way as he does so. The zoomy cameraman gives us a close-up of the bottle so that we’ll know bad shit’s about to happen. SSG staggers to the sink – stepping over the bottle – and dumps a bunch of dishes into the dish rack. Including A FUCKING BARBEQUE FORK, which he stands upright, tines facing outwards. I can think of precisely one thing:
SSG splashes water on his face, then calls out to Grossman again. He steps forward, stands on the bottle, and pinwheels backwards before landing on the barbeque fork. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS, SIR. Grossman comes to and finds SSG slowly dying with a barbeque fork through his neck and out his mouth. Kind of like Hot Fuzz, but more disgusting. (A: I dunno man, it looked so fake and goofy– whereas the steeple through Timothy Dalton’s chin freaks me out every time.) (K: Again, fair.) Grossman screams and we fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Dean chuckles about all their winning lottery tickets. Sam, meanwhile, is on the phone to Bobby, who’s headdesking about the fact that Sam touched the rabbit’s foot. He says that he built the curse boxes for Papa Winchester, and I stop to have a little moment about how much of a badass Bobby Singer is. He tells Sam that the rabbit’s foot is old school hoodoo, and Sam’s all “Cool story, bro” because he just found a gold watch on the ground. Dean mouths “AWESOME!” at him. Bobby says that the rabbit’s foot is all well and good while you’ve got it, but if you lose it, you’ll die inside a week. Sam insists he won’t lose it, and I’m pretty sure Gollum said the same thing about the One Ring. He shoves the rabbit’s foot in the pocket of his jacket, which doesn’t bode well for not losing it. Bobby says he’ll do some research, and hangs up.
The boys head into a restaurant nearby as Dean gushes about their $15,000 worth of winning lottery tickets. Sam asks the host for a table, and the host yells “CONGRATULATIONS!!“. Apparently they’re the one millionth guests. He hands them a giant cheque, which gives them free food for a year, and balloons and streamers fall from the ceiling. Dean looks thrilled and Sam looks terrified as the staff take photos:
Creepy Jesus Caravan. Kubrick’s run out of leads, and Sidekick suggests they go eat. He says he knows a place and offers to bring up the website because contrivance demands it.
Anna May: Also because that creepy Jesus caravan is awful. I wouldn’t wanna eat in there either, not with that portrait of dying Jesus staring at me.
K: Legit, girl. I stayed with a super Catholic friend once and could barely sleep because Jesus was watching me…
Restaurant. Dean stuffs ice cream into his face while Sam does research. Sam says that Bobby’s right about the rabbit’s foot and talks about the specifics required to make a cursed hoodoo rabbit’s foot. Dean gushes about the food, then gets an ice cream headache. A waitress comes up and offers Sam more coffee. She smiles at him as she pours it and the cup overflows. She cleans up the mess, smiling at him the whole time. Dean’s all “Wait, WHAT?” because he’s the pretty one. She walks away, and Sam promptly spills his coffee in his lap. He jumps up and knocks into a waiter carrying a tray full of food, which flies everywhere. “How is that good?” Dean asks in confusion. Sam reaches into his pocket and realises the rabbit’s foot is gone. Womp womp.
Outside, the waitress pulls off her wig and throws it in a dumpster, then walks away with a smirk. The boys rush out the front door, and Sam trips over his own feet and faceplants.
I stop for a moment of nostalgia, because I watched a shit ton of Warner Channel when I was in Latin America in 2008, and this is the exact clip they used to advertise Supernatural so I’ve seen this moment approximately 12,000 times. It’s still funny. Dean helps his brother up, and wonders aloud just how bad Sam’s luck is going to get.
Anna May: So far, Sam’s “extreme bad luck” is the equivalent of me on a normal day. Clumsy as heck, folks.
K: Same.
Creepy Jesus Caravan. Kubrick approves of the menu, so Sidekick looks up the nearest location. Contrivance demands that it’s the one the boys were just at and that they’ve already updated their website to include the photo of their one millionth customers. Kubrick thanks Jesus, and we fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Grossman is drinking morosely to his dead friend. The boys walk in, and demand to know who hired them because she totally just stole the rabbit’s foot from them. Grossman cackles, and Sam falls over again. Dean delivers a monologue about how the rabbit’s foot kills people, and all the deaths will be on Grossman’s head because he’s the one who opened the box, so Grossman should just tell them who hired him because he’s just a thief, not a killer. Grossman looks thoughtful.
Sidekick returns to the Creepy Jesus Caravan and tells Kubrick that no one knows where the boys went when they left the restaurant. Kubrick smiles weirdly and says that it’s okay because “a higher power” is on the case. Outside the crappy apartment, Dean gets a call from Bobby to say that he’s found a ritual that will break the curse on the rabbit’s foot. Sam stands in a big chunk of gum. Dean informs Bobby that Sam’s lost the foot, and Bobby headdesks. Dean gives him a description of their mystery girl and the fake name she used – Lugosi. Bobby replies “Aw, crap. It’s probably Bela.” Sam, meanwhile, is trying to scrape the gum off his shoe and instead manages to lose his shoe down a storm drain. Bobby says he can probably track Bela down, and then tells Dean “look out for your brother, you eejit“. I’m officially declaring Eejit Shots to be a thing. SHOTS FOR ALL!! (A: I CONCUR. We’re gonna get so hypothetically drunk. Though I thought it was Idjit? Eh. Potato pot-ah-to.) (K: The potato part of that is accurate, because I suspect Eejit is what Irish!Bobby would say. I accept your Idjit spelling.) Dean hangs up and turns to Sam, who’s looking pathetic:
K: For someone who doesn’t do comedy very much, Jared Padalecki is surprisingly good at it. More wacky funtime music. Dean pulls up at a motel and informs Sam that Bobby’s found out that Bela lives in Queens. He’s going to track her down while Sam sits very still and doesn’t move at the Motel of the Week. As they drive around to the room, we can see that the Crazy Jesus Caravan is parked in the car park. DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN. Dean ushers Sam into the motel room, sits him in a chair, and tells him not to touch anything until he gets back. Sam bitchfaces.
Cut to Bela’s fancy apartment in Queens. She’s on the phone to a buyer, and we can see Dean sneaking into the building on a security monitor in the background. She picks up the rabbit’s foot in a pair of tongs and her cat hisses at it. Bela grabs a gun from her wine fridge, and sneaks towards the front door. But it’s already open. The alarm system is beeping that there’s an error, and she stares in confusing at a post-it note that’s stuck to the alarm console. It reads “TURN AROUND”. Really, Dean? Really?? (A: Adding this to my “Dean Winchester is secretly a big nerd” folder.) Anyway, he appears behind her, and they point their guns at each other. “You left without your tip,” Dean sasses. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, the wacky funtime music resumes as Sam sits in the Motel of the Week looking bored. There’s a thunk from the air conditioner, and smoke starts pouring out of it. Sam’s all “WTF?!” because he didn’t even move. He nervously walks towards it, and it bursts into flames. He grabs a bedspread and tries to put the flames out but just manages to light himself on fire instead.
He tries to smother it with the curtains and manages to tangle himself up and fall over, knocking himself out. Of course, Kubrick and Sidekick are standing right outside the window. Kubrick gives a “thank you” nod to the sky.
Dean and Bela’s standoff continues. He asks if she knows it’s cursed, and she does but has zero fucks to give because it’s worth a ton of money. Just like any number of hunter amulets. Dean’s disgusted that she knows what’s out there in the darkness but chooses to profit from it. He calls her a thief, and she sasses that he’s wrong – she’s “a great thief“. Sam comes to and finds himself being duct taped to a chair. He asks who Kubrick and Sidekick are, and Kubrick says that Gordon sent him. Sam’s all “UGH, GREAT”, which is pretty much my reaction to Gordon. Kubric says that it doesn’t matter any more because “I’m on a mission from God” (EXCUSE YOU, NO.) (A: LEAVE IT TO THE BLUES BROTHERS, KUBRICK.). He slaps Sam in the face.
Dean asks Bela for the foot so he can save Sam’s life. He uses the puppy dog face and everything. She looks understanding, and says he can have it. For $1.5 million. He asks how she found it, and she looks pointedly at a ouija board before saying she asked the ghosts of its victims. He judges her life choices, and she judges him right back, calling hunters “a bunch of revenge-driven sociopaths trying to save a world that can’t be saved.” He sasses about her pessimism, reveals that he’s stolen the rabbit’s foot and grins as he heads for the door. She shoots at him, but thanks to the rabbit’s foot, all the bullets ricochet away and he escapes unharmed with a faint “See ya!” as he slams the front door behind him.
Sam comes to thanks to a glass of water being thrown in his face. Kubrick demands answers about where the demons will attack next and hits Sam in the face while yelling “LIE!” each time he insists he doesn’t know anything. When Sam doesn’t answer, Kubrick pulls his gun and points it at Sam’s forehead. Sam and Sidekick are both all “Whoa, hang on”. Kubrick tells Sidekick that all the coincidences that led them there were God putting him on his path. Dean appears and is all “LOL NOPE. Rabbit’s foot.” Kubrick orders him to put his gun down. Dean does, instead picking up the motel pen. He hurls it and it lodges in the barrel of Kubrick’s gun. Everyone’s all “WHAAAAAA???”. Sidekick attacks, Dean dodges and Sidekick knocks himself out on the wall. Kubrick goes to pull the pen from his gun, and Dean throws the TV remote at him, knocking him out. And then this happens:
Anna May: Genuinely cackling. Dean Winchester for Batman 2014. (Also Jared/Sam as Robin would be hilarious, just saying.)
K: OH GOD, YES. I demand that they do a superhero episode, like Charmed did.
Anna May: Until then, we have this (because I have nothing better to do with my life than faff about on MS Paint):
K: OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOU FOREVER. Seriously, that is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen and I will never stop laughing.
After the Not Commercial Break, the boys are in a cemetery. Sam’s making the ritual fire to destroy the rabbit’s foot while Dean’s doing some last minute scratch tickets. He shoves the tickets in his jacket, which is on top of a nearby gravestone, and then says “Say goodbye, wascley wabbit” to the foot. A gun cocks behind him and he turns to see Bela. She demands the foot back, and he’s all “LOL NOPE”. He tries to reason with her, but she shoots Sam in the shoulder. Dean’s all “DUDE, WTF”, and Bela says that she’s not afraid to shoot again. She may not be able to hit Dean, but she can’t miss Sam. She tells him to put the foot on the ground and back away. Dean starts to bend down, but then throws the foot at her. She catches it by reflex, and is all “Well, shit”. Dean grins and suggests they all destroy it together.
Bela drops the foot into the flames and sassily thanks them for costing her $1.5 million and putting her on the bad side of a psychotic buyer. The boys are all “HAHA, GOOD”. She tells them that maybe next time around, she’ll hang them out to dry. “Don’t go away angry, just go away,” Dean tells her. She leaves with a smirk. Later, as they leave the cemetery, Dean says that at least they’re up $46,000 from his lottery tickets. Except NOPE because Bela stole them. She drives past in her luxury car, honking appreciatively and chuckling. “SON OF A BITCH!” Dean yells. I can’t help but laugh because it’s so obvious that Jared Padalecki is trying desperately hard not to crack up.
Anna May: He’s not very successful. Wonder how many takes they had to do before they just gave up and were like “…ugh fine that’s close enough”.
K: Apparently it was improvised so it was only the one take. Cut to the prison from the teaser. Kubrick visits Gordon and tells him that he was totally right and Sam’s hella evil. And also, he’s on a mission from God. “Ooooooooooookay…” Gordon says. But, you know, any port in a storm. He says that their next task is to break him out of prison so that they can follow through on their killing Sam idea. Fade to black.
Look, this episode is pretty dumb. It’s total contrivance from start to finish. But it also gives us some hilarious lines and scenes, and it introduces us to Bela, who’s pretty fabulous. So I’m calling it a win.
Anna May: With you there. It’s stupid, but not cringe-inducingly stupid.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
Writer, YouTuber, musician, pretentious idiot, swarm of angry bees in a human suit. Queer in every sense of the word, and not quiet about it. Several years into a plot to take over the BBC so I can become the new Doctor Who showrunner and fix all the problems.
