Previously: Caleb died, which brought out Kirsten’s alcoholism and the return of a whole bunch of old friends to Newport.
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The Aftermath
Jorge: Have you ever watched Spike Jonze’s Adaptation?
Marines: …what? No. Where is this going?
Jorge: Oh man. You totally should. It’s the sorta-real-but-not-exactly-real story of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman, played with aplomb by Nicholas Cage, as he takes on the challenge of adapting Susan Orleans’ book The Orchid Thief for the big screen. Orleans’ book is a rumination on passions and disappointments, framed by a story about orchid poaching in Florida. Kaufman, who is a jumbled mess of sundry neuroses and insecurities, takes on the challenge of making a movie screenplay out of the book, and soon realizes he is way in over his head.
Deadlines pass. New deadlines are set. Little progress is made as Kaufman agonizes over how to best approach the story, every aborted beginning and failed attempt further sending him down a spiral of obsession and self-loathing that culminates with him literally writing himself into the screenplay. Instead of a straight adaptation of the source material, the movie becomes a record of Kaufman’s creative stagnancy and profound self-doubt, as he tries his darndest to find the approach that will make this book about flowers into a compelling feature film. (M: Well, okay. I think I know where this is going.)
Several months ago, I received an e-mail from Snark Squad, offering me the opportunity to contribute to their blog by recapping an episode of seminal early-aughts teen melodrama The OC. I’d never seen a full episode of this television show– it was very popular while I was in high school and so I had a vague idea of its general premise (and of course had its irritatingly ubiquitous theme song permanently burned into my memory). However, the idea appealed to me. I liked Snark Squad and what they did– why not give it a go?
My friends, I am no Charlie Kaufman. And my friends, The OC is no The Orchid Thief. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t somewhat relate to Mr. Kaufman’s struggle. I’ve restarted and rage-quit this recap several times. I’ve let deadlines pass right by me. I’ve written panicked e-mails and tweets to Snark Squad promising “I’ll finish it this weekend, I swear”– only to let myself down again.
But this time, I’m determined to make it through. This time, I refuse to let myself be held back by the crushing ennui triggered by montages of rich kids lounging luxuriously. This time, we recap The OC- Season 3, episode 1: THE AFTERMATH.
(Also, in honor of the aforementioned Adaptation, I’ve decided that any animated gif in this recap that isn’t from the actual episode will be a Nicolas Cage gif. Get psyched.)
Sirens wail in the distance. Hospital doors burst open and in come the paramedics, wheeling an ailing Trey into the ICU. Lots and lots of shaky cam, because things are totally confusing and disorienting when you’ve just been shot in the back. Also, the sound is all reverby and echoey, like a chillwave album from 2009.
Trey is in critical condition. He’s lost a lot of blood. Ryan follows behind. He’s pretty beat up himself, but he’s not laid out on a stretcher so at least he’s got that going for him. Seth and Summer are also there for some reason. A distressed Marissa is pestered by the police, who won’t let a potential murderer catch a break. Sandy Cohen shows up and things really start getting wobbly. Lots of zooms. Lots of whooshing pans. Color saturation. Suddenly, all this expensive post-production is too much for Ryan to handle, and the poor boy passes out.
Cut to Ryan startled awake in the poolhouse. If this show were to pull the classic “season cliffhanger was only a bad dream” trope, I’d be tickled pink. Alas, Seth walks in to assure Ryan, and the audience, that this is not the case.
Mari: It’s too bad, because “bad dream” would totally explain the look on Trey’s face when he got shot and that whole “mmm whatcha say” thing. Bad dream or drug dream, either or.
Jorge: You know, I was completely unaware of that entire sequence, so I had a look at the previous episode’s recap. And then I did some Googling. And I basked in the glory of one of the most amazing moments of unintended hilarity I’d ever seen. I think “fever dream” comes closest to describing it, if we’re sticking to the oneiric. Everything about that is so grotesquely awkward and flat-out wrong, it transcends any and all notions of tonal consistency to achieve a moment of sublime beauty. I had to rewatch it about a dozen times before I was able to fully process it. That beautiful and absurd moment alone justifies this show’s entire existence, and my life is better for having witnessed it. Thank you.
Back to the episode. Seth tells us in his nasally drone of a voice that the lawyer’s on his way, so Ryan should probably get out of bed. Am I the only person who hates Seth? I can’t be, right?
Mari: Actually, we find that the guest recappers who have only seen one or a handful of episodes typically hate Seth. You are in fine company.
Jorge: There it is. That piano riff. It was everywhere during my junior year of high school. Wikipedia tells me this song is by a band called Phantom Planet, who apparently didn’t amount to much beyond this track. When I finally shuffle loose this mortal coil, I fully expect this irritating jingle will be playing on repeat full blast as I enter some unknown circle of hell. And I bet it’s not even the whole song. Just the little piece they use for the opening credits.
Scenic overhead of the titular Orange County. We find Marissa dealing with the stress of an attempted rape, firing a gun at another human being and the possibility of jailtime the only way she knows how: lounging luxuriously with her bestie.
Summer assures her that she will be found innocent since she was trying to save Ryan. Marissa says that she feels this whole ordeal is like a big ugly cloud looming over them. Through the wonders of expositional dialogue, we also learn that this is now months later, and that Trey is now languishing in a coma. Cool narrative device, OC writers.
Back in the Cohen house, Sandy and his impossibly perfect coif chat with the district attorney while making a hundred pots of coffee. The district attorney explains that the prosecution is going to go after Ryan due to his rough history, even though Marissa has taken responsibility for shooting Trey. The prosecutor appears convinced that Marissa’s only taking the blame to keep Ryan from being whisked away by Social Services. The prosecutor is a jerk.
Cut to Kirsten, sitting right at the center of the prettiest, richest and whitest rehab group therapy session in the world. With some gentle prodding from the rehab doctor dude, Kirsten explains that what drove her to drinking was her relationship with her Dad, who was controlling and manipulative. After this little breakthrough, rehab doctor dude tells Kirsten that she’s free to leave whenever she’s ready (which, I mean, to be honest, seems like a pretty unprofessional way to do things? Shouldn’t this be saved for a one-on-one session? Also, did she just reach that epiphany about her father 30 seconds ago? Shouldn’t this be a thing you work on and flesh out?). (M: BUT LOOK AT HOW PRETTY THE FACILITIES ARE. Surely, she has lounged luxuriously into rehabilitation.) When he says this, Kirsten does the whole faint-smile, staring-blankly-into space thing, indicating she’s not quite ready yet. Also, there’s a super-blonde lady sitting next to her who thinks it’s cool to just interrupt someone while they’re spilling their guts out. That’s not nice, super-blonde lady.
Back again at Casa de Cohen. The district attorney goes through a round of questioning with Seth and Ryan each. But see, the questions and answers are interspersed between the two in a clever editing trick that many years later Martin Scorcese would totally rip off for Wolf of Wall Street. Martin Scorcese, of course, being a noted purveyor of teen dramas starring affluent and unbearable children. The DA asks the tough questions, like did Ryan intend to kill his brother that night, and why were Ryan’s fingerprints on the gun. Both Seth and Ryan are stumped by these, which can’t be good for their defense strategy.
Mari: C’mon, Sandy. Surely you could’ve prepped them with, “if they ask if you wanted to kill Trey, say no.”
Jorge: Meanwhile, Julie and Jimmy Cooper discuss the particulars of their daughter’s case. Julie contends that before Ryan burst into the scene, their lives were a lot easier, and it wouldn’t be fair for their precious daughter to throw her future away for such a scoundrel. Jimmy is skeptical of this argument, but of course he is a spineless douchecanoe so he doesn’t say anything.
After a round of intense grilling from the district attorney, Ryan and Seth are understandably beat and looking to get their minds off things. Ryan decides that the best way to do this is by visiting his comatose brother at the hospital. Seth agrees but only after spewing an irritatingly verbose soliloquy littered with pop-culture references. I hate Seth. I want to punch Seth.
The district attorney is now at the Cooper house and ready to ask Marissa some questions. Marissa and Summer show up together, but the DA objects to having Summer present during the deposition. Julie tells Summer to go back inside the house, where they have HBO on demand– “every season of Sex and the City!”. Ugh. A big deal is made out of Summer going back inside, which as a viewer you imagine will lead up to something of some consequence. NOPE.
Back at the hospital, Trey’s still knocked out in a coma. Ryan sits by him while Seth makes irritating wisecracks in the background. When they both leave, the camera pans ominously to Trey’s hand, which… after a few beats… moves its pinky! It’s a miracle.
Mari: It’s not a twitch either. It’s like they said, “move your pinky!” and the actor lifted up and down a few times. I laughed a lot.
Jorge: Seth’s wisecracks actually annoyed someone out of a coma. While Ryan laments his situation outside, Trey opens his eyes dramatically. ACT BREAK.
We cut to Seth and Ryan back at the house playing videogames. Seth goes off on another nasally spiel about who the hell cares what. The phone rings and Seth picks up. It’s the hospital, he says. Trey just woke up. This show is great at giving us information we already have.
Back at the rehab, Kirsten is still doing the staring-off-into-space thing when she is once again rudely interrupted by that super-blonde lady. What is with you, blonde lady? SBL introduces herself: Charlotte Morgan. She expresses a kinship with Kirsten, explains they come from similar backgrounds, and kind of awkwardly invites her to grab coffee sometime? Not sure what her deal is, but I don’t trust her. Just then Sandy arrives and breaks up the conversation. Charlotte stares deviously from afar as Kirsten greets Sandy. Hmm. Something’s afoot.
Mari: As long as it isn’t another cheater sub-plot.
Jorge: Sandy tells Kirsten about his recent microwave troubles, and how much he misses her and can’t wait for her to be back– which should be “any day now, right?”. Kirsten kinda flinches at this, and says that she needs to check with the doctor to see if she’s eligible, which is a bold-faced lie. Sandy gets a phone call from Seth and leaves. Kirsten is troubled.
We’re at the beach now, where Marissa is reflecting sullenly. Ryan arrives and tells her Trey is awake. Marissa hopes that Trey can set the record straight about who shot the gun. Ryan notes the irony in the fact that their future is now in Trey’s hands. But it’s an Alanis Morisette kind of irony. They head off to meet Summer and Seth at the diner.
Julie Cooper, meanwhile, is pressuring her late husband’s attorney to read his will, and secure some of that sweet sweet moolah. The bespectacled geek– like a witless Ben Stein– insists it’s not that simple, as there are hundreds of off-shore accounts they still haven’t even found. She tries to play a game of hot/cold to determine how much money she’s got coming to her, but no dice. Jimmy gets the news of Trey’s condition. Julie’s not gonna like this.
Back at the diner, Summer, Seth, Ryan and Marissa sit around all haplessly. Summer decides that they should have some fun despite all of the horrifying and deeply traumatizing shit they’re in the midst of. And how do the OC kids have fun?
By lounging luxuriously.
This time, it’s in montage form, and on a sailboat, and scored by some nameless acoustic soft-rock song. The kids frolic on the beach, Ryan and Marissa make out, Summer and Seth make smores. Thankfully the montage eats up a considerable amount of the episode’s running time, which means this nightmare is closer to being over.
Mari: I watched the montage and thought, “yay Jorge! Look at the montage minutes fly by!” Glad you saw that silver lining too.
Jorge: Speaking of nightmare. In a scene worthy of any horror movie, Julie Cooper snakes her way into Trey’s hospital room, even though it’s long past visiting hours, by flaunting her late husband’s considerable financial contributions. Trey is understandably startled when he sees her standing by his bed (and also, the director uses a hilarious hissing sound effect here which is pretty startling in of itself). Julie makes things clear: Trey is to claim that it was Ryan who fired the gun (to the tune of 20 thousand dollars!), or Julie will… smother him with a pillow maybe? I wasn’t sure if the pillow was for show or if it factored into the equation. Whatever the case, post-coma Trey seems easily swayed, and he agrees to the terms. (M: “Damn, that hospital pillow does look awful killer-y. Better agree.” Good thinking, Trey!)
It’s breakfast time at the Cohen house; Seth is going off on another insufferable “bit”, this time about Teen Wolf (the Michael J. Fox version– the only Teen Wolf that counts) when in pops Sandy with some harrowing news: Trey is claiming it was his brother who shot him. The DA was kind enough to give Sandy the heads-up that they’d be issuing a warrant for Ryan’s arrest.
Julie Cooper, AKA The Devil Personified, is celebrating with mimosas. Jimmy remarks on how convenient it is that Trey pointed to his brother as the assailant. Julie explains that this is better for everyone; her little girl wouldn’t have to live with an ugly mark on her resumé that may follow her around for the rest of her life, and Ryan would be locked up far away for something he didn’t do. It’s a win for everybody!
Seth and Summer struggle with how to console their friend, who has retreated into himself (and the poolhouse). Marissa arrives, having heard the news. The three of them find Ryan stuffing a duffle bag full of wife-beaters. Ryan says nobody believes him, so there’s nothing to do but run away. Marissa joins in and says they can take her father’s sailboat. Seth and Summer are on board. Could it be? Is The OC trading high-school melodrama for high-stakes, high-seas fugitive intrigue? Is that even possible?
The police finally arrive at the Cohen house, but Ryan’s long gone. Sandy calls Julie to check if she knows anything, and sure enough– Marissa is also missing. We see the gang load their stuff into the sailboat and talking about where they might go to hide out. Alright, our four main characters are running away together, this is exciting! Status quo out the window! I’m sure this will take them on all sorts of life-changing adventures that will span the course of several episodes, possibly the rest of the season!
Oh. Nevermind, the… the police just found them. Wow, that plotline was resolved quickly.
Mari: It looks like they made a few pitstops before running from the law. I mean, great foresight bros, but you got caught. Luxury has its price.
Jorge: After the act break, we see Ryan’s been apprehended. He sits with Sandy as they talk strategy. Ryan is convinced he’s done for, while Sandy holds out hope that Trey will somehow change his mind.
Meanwhile, the Scooby gang is up to another wacky scheme as they don nurse outfits to infiltrate Trey’s hospital room. It works, surprisingly, and Marissa confronts Trey in the most anticlimactic way possible. A tearful Trey apologizes for everything, and tells Marissa about her mother’s offer. Marissa attempts to convince him to tell the truth. Will he agree to it?! I wonder!
Sandy meets Jimmy at the bar of the local yacht club. The conversation immediately turns super awkward when Sandy hints at the fact that he knows about Julie’s schemes. Jimmy, being an ineffectual loser, immediately confirms his suspicions. Not that it’ll make much of a difference, anyway: Sandy receives a phone call that puts the biggest, smuggest smirk on his face. “Wait ’til Julie hears this”. This entire scene was pointless.
Mari: At least we got The Eyebrows being rightfully judgmental of stupid Jimmy Cooper’s fathering. I hate Jimmy Cooper.
Jorge: Back at the Cooper house, Marissa confronts her mother, who does an extremely poor job of arguing her case. Marissa hands Julie a letter containing Trey’s confession, a copy of which they’ve also provided to the police. Julie is crestfallen. She assures her daughter that this gunshot will follow her around forever, and “when there’s a scandal, no one cares about the details”. Marissa shoots back that she doesn’t need her protection, and gives her mother a well-deserved “stay out of my life”. Julie is left behind, seething.
Mari: Julie just bounced back from a porn scandal, so she should have more faith in other people bouncing back from scandal.
Jorge: Ryan is released from jail. He decides to go see his brother, but finds his hospital room empty. We see Trey boarding a Greyhound bus. Ryan catches up to him seconds before it departs, but opts to stare at Trey creepily from outside. Trey takes notice of his brother, and they acknowledge each other with a soft salute– for however deeply fucked up their relationship has become, their brotherly bond remains. Aww.
The third-act melancholy montage song for this episode is “The Bluest Light” by Bloc Party, a track which consists almost entirely of the lyrics “you are the bluest light” repeated over and over again. (M: I don’t think I even know what being the bluest light means. Is there a really sad light out there?) (J: I’m not sure. There’s a wonderful song by Canadian indie-rock group The Weakerthans that goes “you are a radio, you are an open door, I am a faulty string of blue Christmas lights”. I think blue lights is just a go-to lyrical trope for melancholy guitar dudes.)
We see Kirsten crying over a family portrait back at the rehab center, while Charlotte observes ominously from the background. She’s plotting something. I can see the wheels turning. The super blonde wheels.
It’s late at night now, and Ryan and Marissa meet at the beach. Ryan tells Marissa a childhood anecdote about waiting for his brother after he ran away. He comments on the fact that all these years later, he’s found himself in the same situation. Marissa reminds him that he’s not alone this time, and assures him they’ll be able to put this behind them. Marissa and Ryan cuddle up with each other, safe in the knowledge that they have many days of luxurious lounging to look forward to together.
CREDITS.
Oh God. Okay, that was– interesting. A really strange hour of television. The tone was all wonky. The tension built up slightly and quickly dissipated. I don’t know. Maybe that’s just the way things roll down in the OC. Who am I to question it, eh? At least I didn’t go Charlie Kaufman and write myself into this piece. Or… maybe I… did.
All in all, I’m pretty sure I am never watching this show ever again.
Mari: Okay, well, I’m off to cross Jorge off the list of potential re-asks!
Jorge: Wait wait, let me explain myself!
There are moments in life when one must come to terms with one’s own limitations– when one’s ability to appreciate semi-kitschy and increasingly-dated teenage melodrama must take a backseat to one’s instinct for self-preservation. The OC, I have learned, is the ever-feeling viscous membrane of the high school experience, stripped away from trivial concerns like “money”, distilled to its very essence. Like 90210 at its very realest, or the lyrics to a Smashing Pumpkins song. And just like Siamese Dream is the only Smashing Pumpkins album I ever feel the need to listen to, I feel like this episode was the perfect encapsulation of the OC experience for me. I couldn’t possibly want for more. It would be greedy. It would be wrong. It would destroy me.
Next time on The OC: Ryan and Marissa might get expelled on S03 E02 – The Shape of Things to Come.
I'm a screenwriter/music and film obsessive located in Buenos Aires, Argentina. I like Muppets and trumpet solos. You wanna get nuts? Let's get nuts.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
