The OC S03 E03 – The Eyebrows Can Only Take So Much

Previously: Kirsten stayed at rehab and Taylor Townsend organizes another OC event.
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The End of Innocence

Katie: The Core Four are sitting in the diner, with Summer lamenting Ryan and Marissa’s expulsions from Harbor. Ryan and Marissa try to tell her it won’t be that bad, but Summer says it will be for Seth, seeing how before Ryan, he was bullied by people who called him “Death Breath Seth,” and Marissa’s like, uh, YOU called him that. Summer ignores that and says this was supposed to be the best year ever. All Ryan and Marissa want is to go back to school, but Summer tells them it’ll be okay as long as they stick together. Marissa and Ryan then both take very short phone calls, from Julie and Sandy respectively, and leave to go home to discuss their futures.

Seth asks Summer if she really believes that everything will be all right if Marissa and Ryan stick together and she’s all dramatic about it, saying they’ve survived a lot but she doesn’t know if they can survive THIS. Yes, they’re somehow still together after a near-fatal overdose, Marissa shoplifting and trying to drive drunk, the best-forgotten Oliver storyline, Ryan spending a summer away with pregnant Theresa, Ryan’s brother trying to rape Marissa, and Marissa shooting said brother to the dulcet tones of “MMM whatcha say,” but getting expelled from school together is totally going to do them in. It’s their nuclear holocaust. Ryan and Marissa: the cockroach of relationships.

      Marines: I like that the implication here is that going to PUBLIC SCHOOL is that nuclear holocaust. Essentially: poor people.

Katie: Yes, God forbid they ever attend a school without a coffee bar. A fate worse than death, truly.

Californiaaaaaa…..here we COOOOOOOME!!!

Cohen house. Sandy is on the phone having some kind of Newport Group-related argument—he’s trying to do Kirsten’s job in her absence and having trouble with it. Ryan comes in, and as Sandy gets off the phone, says guiltily that he knows his recent troubles haven’t made Sandy’s life any easier. Sandy invites Ryan to sit down, which he does, and tells Ryan he’s worried about him, now that this expulsion threatens Ryan’s academic future. All because Ryan couldn’t help punching the dean. Ryan tries to argue that the dean had his hands on Marissa, and Sandy tells Ryan what I’ve been thinking for pretty much the entirety of this show: Ryan needs to stop thinking about Marissa and start thinking about himself. Then Sandy goes a step further and tells Ryan that maybe he should take a break from his relationship with Marissa.

Mari: BUT.. BUT… THE PLOT! What will we do if Ryan isn’t worrying about Marissa, Sandy? THINK OF THE PLOT.

Katie: Seriously, how much of this show wouldn’t exist if you took away the Ryan-is-too-involved-with-Marissa’s-problems stuff?

Cooper…no-longer-Nichol house. Julie tells Marissa she’s just gotten off the phone with Kaitlin’s boarding school, and they’ve agreed to take Marissa. “The more elite the institution, the more accepting they are of criminals.” Julie tells her it might be good to get a fresh start, but Marissa pouts and said she thought she’d be spending the year with both parents, getting the family back together. Julie seems touched by this and says in that case, she won’t send Marissa to boarding school—but Marissa has to stay away from Ryan.

Jimmy Cooper rings the Cohens’ doorbell. Sandy greets him and Jimmy apologizes for…something. He has a lot to apologize for, but in this case I’m actually not sure what he means.

Mari: I think he’s probably apologizing for that one time his ex-wife/fiance lied to the cops so that Ryan would go to jail and Marissa wouldn’t be in trouble for shooting her once-would-be-rapist.

Maybe.

Katie: That might be it, although I think that was all Julie. Anyway, what he really wants to know is when Caleb’s will is being read, since he and Julie are in limbo with it still being up in the air, and Sandy says he’ll call the lawyers.

Harbor. Seth and Summer discuss how Seth is now getting wedgies from sophomores, and…I’m having a hard time buying that Ryan was the only thing stopping kids from being mean to Seth. He still has Summer, and frankly, I’d be more afraid of her.

The Dean of Discipline comes over, and this is the guy who played Daniel Meade on Ugly Betty except here his hair is blonde and floppy, so I have a hard time thinking of him as anything but Blonde Daniel Meade. (And the guy who played Caleb played his father on that show, where he ALSO was an old rich guy who died of a heart attack.) (M: MAGICAL CROSSOVERS GALORE.) Anyway, Blonde Daniel Meade [BDM] asks them if they’d be stage hands for the school production of South Pacific, especially since he knows they were responsible for getting Marissa into the carnival. They both say no, and Summer goes on and on with a list of things she’ll do, but she won’t do drama club because Taylor Townsend is the president. Right on cue, Taylor pops over and says she’s both the director and writer of the play. Seth’s like, uh, you’re not Rogers and Hammerstein, but Taylor has apparently decided to improve upon the original musical. They still say no, and Taylor literally sticks out her lower lip until BDM says in so many words that he has the power to expel Seth and Summer, too. With little choice, they agree.

Mari: Someone please get an adult who knows better, STAT.

Katie: In the yacht club, Jimmy kisses Julie and tells her they should get married there that Saturday , with just family, and then sail off to Hawaii. Julie thinks about it for a minute and then agrees. Julie still isn’t sure what to do about Marissa, though—none of the schools in the area will take her, having read the papers. Seriously? One school I can buy, but NONE of these schools have picked up on the part about it being self-defense? She muses about how Hawaii might solve this problem.

Sandy is at the cabin where Kirsten is staying. He greets Charlotte, who says she wasn’t expecting him. The dearly departed Television Without Pity recaps by Sara M. called this character “7 ’n 7.” Alas, I can’t think of a nickname more clever than that, so I’ll just call her Charlotte. Charlotte leaves to get Kirsten, and Kirsten comes out and hugs Sandy. Sandy tells her that the will is being read on Friday. Kirsten’s not sure if she wants to go—she’s been trying to put her dad behind her and Charlotte has freaked her out with her stories about relapsing. Sandy says he’s okay with whatever Kirsten wants to do, and they hug again, but as they do, Sandy sees the door Charlotte came out of closing—she’s apparently been eavesdropping.

Ryan and Marissa are having a makeout session in Marissa’s room, talking between smooches about how their parents will kill them if they’re caught. Speak of the devil, Julie knocks and Ryan goes behind a curtain. Julie tells Marissa that the wedding’s been moved to that Saturday. Marissa’s okay with that until Julie gets to the part about all of them moving to Hawaii. She protests, but Julie has her mind made up.

In the Cohen kitchen, Seth suggests running away, but Ryan reminds him that the cops showed up last time they tried that and they should do something that doesn’t involve him getting arrested. Seth says maybe Ryan could move to Hawaii and then Ryan’s all, “I know! Marissa can move in here!” even though Sandy just told him to stop seeing Marissa and, as Seth points out, Julie isn’t Ryan’s biggest fan. Ryan thinks it’s at least worth asking Sandy, and Seth says he’ll need ammo. Ammo, of course = bagel, the fuel upon which those mighty eyebrows run.

Mari: Kryptonite if I ever saw it. Sandy better hope no one ever brings a bagel into the courtroom.

Katie: Summer hugs Marissa and tells her she won’t let her leave. Marissa, though, has come around on the idea of Hawaii, mostly because her parents finally seem happy and she wants to be a part of that.

Julie and Jimmy are on Jimmy’s docked boat, talking about how great life is going to be. Julie gets off the boat just as Jimmy’s gum-chewing loan shark comes by. GCLS asks about the money, and Jimmy, anticipating the reading of the will, confidently asserts that it’s coming.

Ryan, bagel in hand, goes to visit Sandy at the Newport Group. Sandy would prefer Ryan have a plan for getting into college, but he’ll take the bagel. Ryan tells Sandy about what’s happening with the Coopers and asks about Marissa moving in with them. Sandy tells him, rightly, that he has a lot of nerve for even bringing that up, but Ryan pleads his case, saying he cares about Marissa and won’t stand by and watch as Marissa “is dragged off to some island by her paranoid mom.” Some island? It’s Hawaii, Ryan, not some deserted wasteland.

Mari: And this is why he should stay in school, I guess. “Some island,  IDK. Maybe it’s a state…?”

Katie: HA! Really, he has more serious problems than getting into college if he doesn’t know where Hawaii is.

Anyway, then Ryan plays the trump card, saying both he and Sandy are there because someone gave them a chance, and now Marissa needs one. Sandy sighs, and says Kirsten being away has made him soft and he’ll consider it. Ryan thanks him and leaves, and then Sandy picks up the phone and calls Kirsten. She’s decided to go to the will reading—she’s not looking forward to it but thinks she can handle it. She’s not sure whether she’ll come home after the reading, though. Charlotte walks out with a tea tray as she’s having this conversation, and after Kirsten hangs up, Charlotte says she overheard and asks if Kirsten’s really doing this for herself. She says Sandy supports her in whatever she does, and Charlotte’s like, well, Daddy issues! Are you doing this because your father would want it? Kirsten assures her she knows what she’s doing.

South Pacific rehearsal. Taylor is barking orders at Seth and Summer, who are trying to assemble a tiki hut. Taylor tells them how nice it is that they have each other, then repeats the whole thing about people only being nice to Seth because they’re afraid of Ryan. Summer’s not taking any of that crap. She says, and I have to transcribe this word for word because it’s awesome, “Listen, SKANK. Just because you’re saying really mean things in, like, a really nice voice, doesn’t mean we don’t realize that you’re just some stupid little SKANK.” See? I’d totally be more afraid of her than Ryan. BDM comes over and asks if there’s a problem. Taylor says there isn’t, and runs off crying. BDM continues with his weird vendetta against the Core Four and tells Seth and Summer that if there’s another incident, there’ll be consequences. (M: And he means above and beyond having to look at his stupid face and floppy hair.)

Katie: Poolhouse. Ryan’s lounging in a wifebeater when Marissa comes in, and they hug. Ryan tells him about his earlier conversation with Sandy, and is taken aback when Marissa doesn’t look thrilled. Marissa says she appreciates it, but she doesn’t want to pass up this chance for her family to be a real family again. She walks off (she just got there! Why does this always happen on TV?) as Ryan looks dismayed.

Cohen kitchen. Sandy slices bagels and Ryan and Seth mill about, talking about how Ryan and Marissa can date long distance. Sandy says to do something special for her to remember him by before she leaves, and Seth, supportive as always, is like, yeah, when she’s surrounded by all these hot new Hawaiian dudes! Sandy says he’s going to see Kirsten and asks if Seth has anything to pass along to her. Seth’s like, yeah, tell her to come home, but Sandy says they shouldn’t push too hard. Seth says maybe she’ll never come home if they don’t push at all, and Sandy glares at Seth and says it’s not that simple. Seth looks chagrined and says maybe he took that too far, and while he should have kept his mouth shut about Marissa meeting new guys, I do feel for him here. They’re all having a tough time and he misses his mom. (M: PLUS EVIL CHARLOTTE IS AFOOT.) Seth adds that he’ll help Ryan do something for Marissa.

Kirsten is leaving to go to the will reading when Charlotte stops her and offers to drive. Kirsten declines, saying she needs to go alone. Charlotte agrees, but ominously comments that her dad might have some surprises in store for her with the will.

South Pacific rehearsal. Seth and Summer are trying to discuss a plan they’ve made without Taylor overhearing.

At the Newport Group, the adults of the Cohen and Cooper families have gathered. The lawyer comes and sits them down, going into this spiel about Caleb before Julie cuts him off, saying Sandy already did a eulogy at the funeral and he should cut to the chase. Caleb’s intention, apparently, was to split the money equally between his daughters and his wife. (Where are Hailey and Lindsay in all this, anyway? Lindsay didn’t even go to the funeral.) Julie gets all excited before the lawyer’s like, uh, I said intention. Surprise, surprise! Caleb was broke, so…no one gets anything. Well, not quite. Kirsten gets a letter that her father wrote her on the day he died. As the lawyer hands it to her, she looks upset and gets up and walks out. Julie’s like, “What about me?” then turns to Jimmy and tells him to do something. Like what? He can’t pull money out of thin air, clearly.

Outside, Sandy follows Kirsten. Sandy assures her that he’ll read the letter with her and support her, but Kirsten remembers how on the last day of Caleb’s life, they had a fight where she told him he’d die alone, so she can only imagine what this letter says. Sandy unsuccessfully tries to stop her from getting into the car and driving off.

Ryan knocks on Marissa’s door and tells her he understands why she’s leaving. Now they need to meet Seth and Summer at the pier and have the best twenty-four hours of their lives.

Julie and Jimmy are drinking in the yacht club. Julie’s in better spirits, saying Jimmy has his business in Hawaii and they have the 100-foot yacht. Jimmy, who has no idea how he’s getting out of this one, excuses himself, saying that since it’s bad luck to see the bride before the wedding night, he’ll see her at the wedding the next day.

Sandy calls Charlotte, saying Kirsten won’t answer her phone and he doesn’t know where she is. Evil Charlotte lies that Kirsten didn’t want to go to the reading and thought it might cause her to relapse, but she didn’t want to let Sandy down.

Oh, man. And this is where I start to worry, not just about Kirsten, but about Sandy. All summer, he had to deal with the fallout from Trey being shot, then Ryan being arrested, then Ryan getting kicked out of school, and also having to take care of Newport Group stuff, all without Kirsten there to help him, and now he doesn’t know where she is, either? Yes, I know. I’M WORRIED ABOUT A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. But really. He takes care of everyone else, but with Kirsten gone, who’s taking care of Sandy? Those eyebrows can only take so much.

Mari: Also, they express a lot of concern and sadness. They make you worry about them.

Katie: At the diner, having finished eating, Seth and Summer try to excuse themselves, saying it’s late. Marissa realizes that, since it’s only eight thirty and she hasn’t even finished her food, they’re up to something. Seth and Summer take off and Ryan takes Marissa’s hand to lead her somewhere. (Even though…she hasn’t finished her food. And they haven’t paid, presumably.) (M: The surprise better be more damn food then. This is unacceptable.)

On the beach, Ryan walks with his hand over Marissa’s eyes, then removes it to reveal the beach hut and tiki torches from South Pacific that Seth and Summer have set up.

GCLS is meeting Jimmy on the pier to collect his money, which of course Jimmy doesn’t have. He’s all pathetic and stammering about it, too. These two burly goons get out of the car, and GCLS orders Jimmy to get in. Stupidly, Jimmy does.

Ryan and Marissa kiss inside the tiki hut when Marissa suddenly says she has to go and walks out the door. Ryan lies there looking confused, but then she pops back in and says, “What, you weren’t even going to try to run after me?” Ryan’s like, you’re so not funny as they kiss some more. No, that’s really not funny when you’ve made countless dramatic exits over the course of your relationship. But as for things they haven’t done, Ryan asks Marissa if she’s sure she wants to do this, because they’ve done a lot, but not that.

Wait, hold the phone.

Ryan and Marissa haven’t had sex before? WTF? (No pun intended.) I mean, I know there’s never been a scene of it, but weren’t we supposed to assume they were doing it offscreen? But if you think about it…there was Luke, then effing Oliver, then Theresa, then the yard boy, then Trey assaulting Marissa, then the whole shooting and Trey in a coma thing. I guess, amidst all that dramz, they couldn’t find a spare minute for sexytimes.

Mari: You forgot to factor in all those dramatic exits, too! She’s only in the same room with him long enough for kisses, but certainly not anything more.

Katie: You know what? THAT’S TOTALLY IT. They haven’t had sex because Marissa keeps exiting dramatically before it happens! Anyway, keep suspending that disbelief, because they decide to do it, even though it will make Marissa leaving even harder.

Montage! Ryan and Marissa do it in the tiki hut. Jimmy is viciously beaten by the loan sharks under the pier. Kirsten buys vodka, then sits in a motel room staring at the unopened bottle. Sandy calls Kirsten again, but she won’t answer.

The next morning, a snuggling Ryan and Marissa are awakened by her cell phone. She answers, then says, “What’s wrong?”

And then she’s at Jimmy’s boat. Jimmy’s face is bruised and bloody, and he starts again with the pathetic stammering about how he messed up and has to fix it and has to leave and can’t take Marissa with him. He at least recognizes that he’s a terrible father. Marissa says he should leave if he has to, but if he does, she doesn’t want him ever to come back because it’s too hard to keep saying goodbye. They hug, and he hands her the wedding ring to give to Julie.

Speaking of people having money troubles, at the cabin, there’s a knock on the door, and Charlotte, expecting Kirsten, is surprised to find a woman there telling her that the family that owns the cabin will be returning sooner than expected, and since Charlotte’s check didn’t clear, she can’t stay for an extra two weeks as they’d planned. Charlotte says she’ll get some cash to pay for the time she has rented it, but instead, she packs a bag (including some of Kirsten’s stuff- we see the Chrismukkah photo she took to rehab) and leaves via window.

At home, Sandy looks forlorn, but then he looks up and sees Kirsten. “Thank God you’re all right,” he says. They hug and she apologizes for scaring him. She tells him about the motel and the vodka, but says she didn’t drink it. She says she’s sick of hiding from her life and wants to live it. Sandy assures her that if things get messy, they’ll clean it up together. They decide to open the letter together as Badfinger’s “Baby Blue” (which I know because it was also on the last episode of Breaking Bad) plays. Kirsten reads it, and tears up as she sees that it’s an apology. “Of course he’d have to be dead to say nice things,” she says, but in a way that’s more bittersweet than angry. She buries her face in Sandy’s shirt and sobs, and he strokes her hair and kisses the top of her head.

For a small wedding, they went all out with the decorations. Julie’s excited to see Marissa as she walks in with Ryan, but only until she notices the look on Marissa’s face. Marissa can only hold up the ring, and Julie breaks down crying. “What are we going to do?” she sobs as she hugs Marissa. Marissa says they’ll figure it out—they always do.

And now RAGE. All the Jimmy Cooper rage I’ve been holding in through this whole recap. He’s been awful before, but never like this. Fine, you screwed up financially again, but now you have to make it even worse by abandoning your wife and daughter? After you got their hopes up with the promise of a new life? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY THINK THIS IS OKAY, JIMMY? I’m reminded of Veronica Mars’ thoughts on her own parents: “The hero is the one who stays, and the villain is the one who splits.” It’s a stretch to call Julie a hero, but we all know what Jimmy is.

Mari: When he messed up the first time, he kept spinning it as being partially Julie’s fault since she was super demanding. That was always BS, but this time it’s even clearer. He’s just got big time issues.

Katie: Agreed. But money issues, whatever- I just can’t get past him abandoning Marissa TWICE now. Back at Harbor, Seth and Summer return the tiki hut to the stage and just as Summer walks off to get the tiki torches out of the car, BDM shows up and chews Seth out for stealing. Seth points out that he didn’t steal, he borrowed, and now it’s back unharmed, but BDM is unmoved. He won’t expel Seth and give him the satisfaction of a reunion with Ryan and Marissa, but he will give him a month’s detention—unless he gives up his partner. Just then, Summer walks in, but she freezes behind BDM when she sees what’s going on. Seth insists he acted alone just as Summer slips back out the door, and now he has detention for two months.

Ryan and Marissa walk on the beach and wonder what will happen now. Ryan says, echoing Summer at the beginning of the episode, that it will be all right if they stick together.

Back at the Cohen home, Seth tells Ryan that despite the detention, he’s proud of himself for being brave and not throwing Summer under the bus. Then the door opens, and there stand Sandy and Kirsten. Ryan hugs her first, with a big smile on his face. Seth asks her if she’s really home, and she assures him she’s not going anywhere, because unlike her ex-boyfriend, she doesn’t abandon her kids. (Sorry. Lingering Jimmy Cooper rage.) Seth hugs her, too, and they all head into the kitchen for food. Aw. I love this family. They all start sharing the bad news—Caleb’s broke, Ryan and Marissa were expelled, Jimmy left town, Seth has detention (okay, did they not tell Kirsten about anything that happened while she was gone? Like, does she at least know about the shooting?), and Sandy comments ironically that nothing ever happens there.

      Thank you for having me, Snark Ladies! And readers, you’ll be hearing from me again in the next OC recap!

Mari: Thank you, thank you! Katie stepped up in a pinch for us because she is AWESOME and deserves additional high fives from everyone. *high five*

 

 

Next time on The OC: Marissa goes to poor people school in S03 E04 – The Last Waltz.