Dawson’s Creek S03 E04 – FOR THE ORPHANS!

Previously: Everybody pretended that the PSATs were important, but the Snark Ladies were not fooled.
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Home Movies

Democracy Diva: Shrine O’Spielberg. Pacey struts in with some outdated film technology. Dawson’s working on a documentary for his mother that might air this Friday. (Why no one employed by her station can actually film this thing is a question only the Great Contrivance Spirit can answer.) Pacey just can’t believe Dawson’s willing to stop focusing on fantasy and film something real, even for a second.

Kirsti: Meanwhile, I spent this scene being distracted about the fact that Pacey’s brought the gun show to town…

Diva: YUM.

Anyway, the subject of the documentary is Jack, now that he’s the gay hero of the football team. They put in one of his mom’s old tapes, and end up accidentally watching home movies of Dawson and Joey meeting as 6-year-olds. They’re cute and push and chase each other. I would so prefer a show about the baby versions of these characters. I bet they haven’t learned all those big, obnoxious words yet!

HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH.

Chez Grams. Grams is not happy with Jen’s super-short cheerleader skirt and fishnets, but Jen insists she’s making a statement about female objectification, or something. Grams says the school needs Jen’s pep squad leadership skills, and fondly recalls her own days on the pep squad. Jen says Grams was probably showing off a little more than just team spirit, wink wink, nudge nudge.

K: The idea of Grams as a cheerleader (or anything remotely close to it, seeing as I have zero idea what a pep squad is) amuses me greatly. 

Diva: Pretty sure a pep squad is the same as a cheerleading squad, but this is very much not my department. Pep = spirit = cheerleading, as far as I can tell.

Capeside High. Pacey follows Joey around with a cardboard cut-out MinuteMan. They bicker-flirt with each other as he tries to convince her to cut class with him. He has a surprise mission for them. She pretends to not give any fucks, but of course decides to go with him.

K: That “SIX SECONDS???” line is my favourite. Also, Pacey’s impression of a teenage girl was hilarious.

Diva: They banter adorably. Watching the chemistry between these two is like, the exact opposite of watching Dawson-Joey scenes. Pacey is awesome always, but Joey is infinitely more tolerable as a foil to Pacey rather than Dawson.

Dawson films Jack on the football field. Jack says he doesn’t know anything about football – or being gay, for that matter. Mitch interrupts to get Jack to practice, which is fair, because of the Big Game coming up. Dawson wants to interview his dad, but Mitch isn’t having it. He wants himself and the team focused on football. (K: I chose to interpret this as “Dawson, IDGAF about your stupid dreams of being a filmmaker” because it makes me LOL.)

In a huddle, Henry tells a football story about his lucky mouthguard, which once belonged to Doug Flutie, who I guess is a famous football player. (Once again, this is so not our department). Jen comes over to see what they’re talking about – when she realizes the subject is a mouthguard, she’s kind of grossed out and awkward, but not unkind. She leaves and Henry is all, HOW DO I GET THIS GIRL TO TALK TO ME. Jack tells him to try saying hello.

K: And maybe by not mentioning that you paid money for a famous person’s mouthguard, because EW. Also, the only Flutie I know of is Principal Flutie, and he got eaten by hyena people.

Diva: A+.

In the halls, Jen’s minions want to know why she wasn’t doing something spirit-related with them earlier that day. She’s basically like, ugh, I’m tired, and they start talking about the auction. She asks what they’re auctioning off, and it’s a kiss. From Jen. Organized fully without her consent. They call her “Jenny” and she says, um, that is not my name, and I have dealt with your insanity and the polyester uniforms and generally turning into a spirit zombie. But everyone has a limit, and Jen’s is being sold off like an animal. She quits the squad, and storms off.

Andie nervously runs into someone from the PSAT testing center. He drops his confidential papers and is all DON’T TOUCH THOSE. She word-vomits about how she hopes no one here has broken any testing-related rules. She goes crazy with synonyms and he tells her to watch herself. I know Andie is anxious, but she’s not dumb, so I’m not really understanding why she’s incapable of keeping her mouth shut about this testing thing. She might as well be wearing a giant sign that says “ASK ME ABOUT HOW I CHEATED.”

Joey and Pacey are walking by the side of the road, exiting Capeside. They’re carrying a package somewhere and she’s complaining a lot about how long and far they’ve walked. He wants them to hitchhike, and thinks Joey has a better chance of flagging down a car, which conveniently drives by right at the end of their argument.

K: “Stick out your own thumb, you sexist toad” was utterly fabulous. Joey, while far from being my favourite character, has had some absolutely brilliant lines so far this season.

Diva: Agreed.

Pacey flings himself into the bushes (I originally wrote “bitches,” because bitches love it when Pacey flings himself into them) (K: Truth. Also, his dive into the bushes was utterly magical) and Joey tries to hitch a ride. The car rolls down the window and it’s… the Principal. Pacey runs out of the bushes and is all, thank god! You have rescued us from our school-related mission that went awry! Principal just laughs because Pacey’s totally holding poison ivy.

Locker room at night. Dawson’s there for the interview, and just needs ten minutes of his father’s time. Mitch now wants to put off the whole interview until after the game on Saturday. But it’s supposed to air Friday, so Dawson won’t be able to get it to Gail in time. Mitch freaks out, because apparently he didn’t know this story was for Gail’s station. Mitch thought it was just a school project – he basically wasn’t listening when Dawson told him about this last night. Mitch says he can’t risk Jack – or anyone else – losing focus right before the Big Game. Dawson snarks about how his own future clearly isn’t as important as this football game. Mitch calls his son “theatrical” and says he’s trying to build something here. But Dawson has waited his whole life for this opportunity, and Mitch is like, LOL, all 16 years? Which is a low blow, because of the many things wrong with Dawson, his youth really isn’t his fault. Mitch tells him there will be other opportunities. He doesn’t have to tell Dawson not to do the movie – he just knows his son will make the “right choice.” Ugh, shut up, Mitch.

K: Seriously, can we get rid of Mitch and replace him with Eric Taylor? PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE????

Diva: YES, YES, AND MORE YES. Taking this opportunity to add a “sports are better with Coach Taylor” tag, because we talk about this too much for there not to be a tag.

Joey working at the marina. When Dawson arrives, she snarks at him until he says that he and Eve aren’t even on speaking terms. He asks for advice about his father, and Joey’s response is basically, isn’t your thing more important than his thing? But Dawson explains that Mitch has given up a lot of dreams lately, and mentions that Gail ran out on him. I get that he’s trying to look at it from his father’s perspective, but BOY is that a biased way of explaining that particular detail. For some reason, Joey says this is the stuff of Greek drama, which is just not true. Because I’m watching it and I’m bored as shit. (K: YUP. It’s petty bickering, at best.) She gives him some big talk about fathers and sons and I just don’t care. Anyway, Dawson hands her a tape – it’s the home videos of them he was watching earlier. But he just tells her it’s something that made him smile.

Chez Grams. Grams and the whole squad are in Jen’s bedroom, waking her up. Because all of them are the worst. They don’t care that she doesn’t want to cheerlead anymore – they still want her to do the kiss, because someone offered $500 as long as it’s from Jen. Even Grams is urging her to do it, which makes no sense at all. Jen AGAIN insists she’s not for sale. Grams and the girls guilt her, because the money is going to help orphans. Jesus says it’s ok to prostitute yourself as long as it’s for the orphans!

K: This was so fucking stupid. But Jen’s response – “I don’t care if they bid the Kingdom of Brunei, I’m not for sale!” was amazing.

Diva: The principal approaches Andie because he needs to talk to her about a disciplinary matter. He needs her in his office Monday to go over their options. He’s very vague so obviously this can’t be about what Andie thinks it is about. (K: Also, why the eff would he even mention it three days before he can talk about it? Oh right, to create artificial tension.) Principal steps into his office, where Pacey and Joey are waiting for him. They fight with each other until the Principal says, since you two love each other so much… And then he opens up a giant box and Joey and Pacey are all, HELL NO. But the audience can’t see what’s in the box.

K: A+ gif selection.

Diva: Andie and Jack in the halls. She’s clearly talking about her own issues, but tells Jack that he’s making a huge mistake by deciding to do this video and opening up their lives to scrutiny. She thinks he’s going to ruin his life, break his father’s heart, and reveal all their secrets. Andie tells him how hard their father has worked and asks why Jack wants to hurt him with this revelation. Jack is like, uh, but he already knows I’m gay. She says she knows, she just wants him to think it through because actions have consequences. Poor Jack is confused because he has no idea that Andie is just using him as a metaphor for herself.

Dawson and Mitch watch the broadcast on Jack. The opposing coach says something about lipstick and a dress, but I think his point is that they’ll pummel all people equally, or whatever. (K: But with a side of homophobia to prove that only Capeside is liberal enough to tolerate an openly gay football player.) Mitch tells Dawson that this just lost him the game. No one knew how good Jack was, and now millions of people do, and Dawson made him a target. Mitch is pissed, and Dawson is pissed, and neither of them can see the other’s point of view. Dawson says his father has barely spoken to him since becoming the coach. He accuses Mitch of wanting a son like that – an athletic macho type. Mitch says no, I’ve reached out to you, I care about you, but I’m trying to get you to break out of your self-righteous armor for a second and take a look around. Dawson shoots back that once in awhile, he should get to act like the kid instead of the father.

K: My notes at this point say “I miss Gail. Solely because I give zero fucks about these two and her hair added much needed amusement.”

Diva: AMEN. I can’t believe we’re so desperate for this scene to end that we actually miss Gail’s hair, but there you are.

After the not-break, it’s Big Game time. Jack is making amazing catches but getting fucking pummeled. The opposing players are calling him a “limp-wristed homo.” Dawson asks Jen if this is all his fault, and Jen says yes. But at least he doesn’t have to prostitute himself to save the orphans!

On the field, Joey and Pacey unpack the box, which contains Gwyneth Paltrow’s head furry costume pieces. They fight over who has to be the ass of the mule.

Close-up on Andie, who confesses that she made a mistake. She talks about how she loved someone, and then she got sick and needed treatment. She starts to cry and says that she really had gotten better, but when she came back, she lost her soulmate. She didn’t want to lose anything else, and that’s why she stole the test and cheated, to try and keep something in her life under her control. She says she knows she made things worse and asks for compassion. The camera cuts back, and we see she’s given this entire speech to her mirror.

Football field. It’s halftime, and the Minutemen are losing. They do a montage of locker room inspirational moments from Mitch and it’s stupid. Dawson walks in and finishes his father’s not-so-inspirational speech. Dawson has an idea – to obscure the numbers on the jerseys so no one knows which one is Jack. And phase two is a mystery, but apparently involves Jen and the cheerleaders, who walk into the locker room.

Back on the field, the teams face off. As the opposing players glare at the Capeside players, we see that every member of the Minutemen is in full drag queen makeup. “Try and find the homo now,” Henry says.

K: Which is an incredibly weird thing to say. Also, I’m not entirely sure that covering their numbers is legal. And unless the cheerleaders used hella waterproof make up, all the players are going to have sweaty panda eyes in approximately two seconds, which doesn’t sound like it would help with the seeing what’s happening in the game. But whatever. This was one of the few Jack-plays-football plot points that I remembered, so…sure. Let’s go with it. 

Diva: I second all of your questions and concerns. This is weird, nonsensical, probably illegal and definitely offensive. But mostly confusing.

Anyway, more football things happen. Henry throws, Jack catches, and barrels his way through the competition, flipping over and scoring a touchdown. Capeside wins! (Even though they were losing 21-0 at halftime and this is the only touchdown we’ve seen them score!) The principal runs onto the field and congratulates Mitch. The players throw gatorade on their coach. Andie runs onto the field and says she has to talk to the principal. She starts her speech about cheating – but he says he’s forming a new student disciplinary committee and he wants her to be in charge of it. That’s all he wanted to discuss with her. Andie accepts and says it would be an honor. And pretends that she totally wasn’t about to confess to cheating on the PSAT.

Everyone’s gathered on the field when the principal announces the moment they’ve all been waiting for – the winner of the auction. (That’s obviously the height of this episode – not the Big Game, or anything.) The winner, of course, gets to ride on the Minuteman Mule for 1 minute AND get a “heart-stopping” kiss from Jen. Seriously, not only is the principal in on this auction, he’s front and center in selling out Jen as a sex object. We’re not even pretending that it’s a quick peck on the cheek – not that that would really make this okay, or anything. He’s basically like, AND NOW THIS 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL WILL PUT HER TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH. FOR THE ORPHANS!

K: Gross. Gross gross gross gross gross. Excuse me while I spend the next ten minutes being relieved that I went to a girls’ school that sucked at sports.

Diva: Yeah, this was a definite RAGEW moment for me.

Anyway, in comes Henry, riding on the Minuteman Mule that must contain Pacey and Joey. They collapse, and he falls off. Jen asks how he got $500, and he confesses that he sold the good luck mouthpiece. Jen thinks that’s gross and also cute. Everyone starts cheering for them to kiss. He tells her she don’t have to, but it’s a little late for that now. She says, “c’mere, freshman,” and makes out with his face. The camera turns to slow-mo and the cheesy music comes in. Jen says the show’s over, go home, but the principal says, NOT JUST YET!

My only question is, how is it possible that no one mentioned it was Homecoming until now?

K: With a side of “why is a junior being chosen as Homecoming Queen? And, for that matter, head cheerleader? Did the whole senior class mysteriously die?!” Also, I’m kind of terrified by that shouting footballer behind Jen in that last gif…

Diva: Andie sits with Jack and says, I told you it would work out! Positive attitude! Jack is like, uh, that’s actually the opposite of what you told me, and what about humiliating our father? She’s like, whatever, not worried about it, just relieved it’s over. And then she asks who won the game.

On the field, two people fight inside the mule and it’s… not Pacey and Joey. It’s two awkward freshmen versions of them. We see Pacey and Joey are somewhere on a beach looking at a distressed old boat. He’s going to rebuilt it; she’s skeptical. Pacey insists he’s going to sail this boat around the world, which Joey says is impossible given its lack of room for supplies. But they did it on Gilligan’s Island, so Pacey’s convinced it will work. He takes Joey’s hand as he helps her onto the boat. Then Pacey opens the mysterious package, which contains a cheesy little sign that says TRUE LOVE, the name of his boat.

Pacey hands Joey a sander so that she’ll help him get to work, and complains, but of course helps him anyway. We get a precious mini-montage of them scrubbing the boat together, and it’s sweet.

K: This entire scene made me squeal and flail with excitement so fucking hard, you guys.

Diva: +1 TO ALL YOUR FLAILING.

Dawson sits on the bench on the football field, hours after the game. Mitch comes out and sits with him, and tells him that when Dawson was born, Mitch cried his face off. All day, just holding his new son and crying. He didn’t know he could love someone so much, so fast. It scared the shit out of him. They do the father-son talk thing and it’s pretty boring, just like every other part of this plot line.

K: YUP. My notes say, “I’m not paying attention to anything Dawson and Mitch are saying because I don’t care.”

Diva: Mitch says Dawson’s future belongs to Dawson, and he shouldn’t let his old man stand in the way. They smile and forgive each other. Mitch wants to go home and watch Close Encounters, but Dawson offers to stay and play catch. Mitch thinks they should just leave the football here, where it belongs. He tosses it, and we cut to a home video of little-kid!Dawson catching and throwing a mini-football. He and Mitch play catch and skip stones, and Dawson runs to sit on the swings with Joey. We cut back to Joey watching the videos and smiling. Good job casting those kids – they really look like Dawson and Joey. Joey gets a little weepy as she watches herself and Dawson be adorable, quieter, less wordy versions of themselves.

Then the episode ends with their baby voices saying “Bye Joey.” “Bye Dawson.” And it’s really awkward and kind of ruined that entire moment for me.

K: It was…definitely a strange choice, yes. Just like approximately 80% of this episode. And that 80% was every scene that didn’t involve Pacey and Joey being adorable.

 

Next time on Dawson’s Creek: Joey’s boss continues to be a creeper and Dawson tries to figure out the “mystery” of Eve in Dawson’s Creek S03 E05 – Indian Summer.