The OC S03 E13 – Call me if you need weed!

Previously: Kaitlin is terrible and Seth spreads rumors about her.
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The Pot Stirrer

Democracy Diva: The previouslies are helping me remember how much I hated new!Kaitlin (BRING BACK SHAILENE WOODLEY) and the infuriating way she speaks like she’s got a permanent mouthful of cotton candy. I haven’t seen the previous episode in at least seven or so years, but it’s all coming back to me now.

Cohen House Breakfast Where Everyone Is Way Too Awake For Such An Early Hour But At Least There Are Bagels. Sandy’s big day involves building a hospital, a project he inherited from Caleb. Except they’re still competing with another firm to get the project, or something? Whatever, the important thing is that Sandy needs his lucky tie and Kirsten already got it cleaned for him because these two are an awesome team.

Seth walks in, looking about like how I feel today (this headcold is no joke, y’all). Someone from Brown wants to interview Seth, and he’s kind of in shock. And he hasn’t asked if Summer has gotten an interview too. Seth’s being super-weird (like, even for Seth) about this, and Ryan notices. Seth has been wanting to escape Newport his whole life, and is now a little bit freaking out at the prospect of this dream actually coming true. Like, pouring-coffee-in-his-cereal freaking out.

CALIFORNIAAAAA! Or, as my subtitles say during the lead-in music, “piano and acoustic guitar strumming gentle melody.” I’m not sure why this is so hilarious to me, but it is.

Marines: I love it a lot. I extra love that we are always screaming CALIFONIAAA! and the guitar is like, “I’m gentle and melodic.” Okay, guitar.

Diva: Definitely not gentle. At least, not the way I perform this song, which I do every time I watch this show.

Harbor School (I think? It’s been awhile, guys, you can’t expect me to totally know the name of their Rich Kid High School for Rich Kids and Also Poor People Smell Bad.) Summer enter-nounces that she, too, scored an interview at Brown. Seth asks if she’s nervous about this big life change, and Summer was, but her boot camp instructor (?) made her feel all better about it or something. Mostly this is an excuse for Summer to make growly sounds and be even more adorable than usual.

Sandy’s Lucky Tie Meeting. It’s going well, but now it’s time to play the waiting game. But Pretty Assistant With Issues (yeah, I know I watched an episode with this character in it like a month ago, but God knows I can’t remember his name) (M: Uh, same. I mostly remember his strip club antics…) (D: glad we’re on the same page) warns Sandy that their competitors have been wining and dining the hospital board and their proposal is probs really good also. Sandy says, “Well, we offered them bagels when they came in,” which obviously should be enough to win anyone over, because as we all know, bagels are amazing. Sandy doesn’t want to play these rich dude games, but Pretty Assistant With Issues is worried they’ll lose.

Mari: He is obviously new around here and doesn’t understand the worth of bagels.

Diva: Summer and Marissa look at photos of Kaitlin’s alopecia-suffering pony, China. Oh, hey, season 1 reference! Anyway, Kaitlin is turning fifteen (going on thirty-five – I know Willa Ford is actually playing an age-appropriate role, but god, that amount of makeup makes her look at least twice her age) and Marissa’s working on a photo album for her and trying to make up for the last few birthdays, when Kaitlin was still at boarding school. Summer isn’t concerned, because as long as Kaitlin’s present involves expensive shit, she’ll clearly be on board. Marissa gets feelsy and asks if the little baby in this picture is the same kid who stole money from a frat and lied about paying for an abortion. Is that what happened during the last episode? Shit-damn, Kaitlin. You’re fifteen. Shouldn’t you be, I don’t know, sitting home and talking about The O.C. with your friends on AIM, like I did when I was your age?

Mari: All that make-up makes her an old soul.

Diva: With that amount of eyeliner, she must be pushing 100.

Kaitlin and Johnny have a walk-and-talk even though I don’t know how they know each other. She brags about her rich kid b-day parties and I really can’t listen to her cotton-candy-muffled voice. They’re hiding their hang-out seshes from Marissa. Apparently there was a midnight swim incident wherein 17-year-old Johnny did NOT take advantage of a 14-year-old child and apparently we’re supposed to award him a trophy for this behavior.

Neil (Summer’s dad) meets Julie at a restaurant. They talk about how even though their situations are complicated, they have feelings for each other. Julie has to bail, though, so they reschedule their date for Sunday.

Casa de Cohen. Seth and Captain Oats are brooding about the prospect of actually leaving Newport. Sandy tells him that he felt the same way when he left the Bronx for California – terrified. Seth continues having feelings, but Sandy has to take a call from the hospital board. Seth peaces out for a walk, and I have sad feelings about Father of the Year Sandy having to take a business call instead of having a good ole life chat with his confused son.

Cooper Trailer. Julie tells the girls she’s got a business dinner on Sunday, forgetting that Sunday is Kaitlin’s birthday and they have plans to watch The Sound of Music. Julie says she’ll reschedule, but Kaitlin says, don’t bother, and does the broody teen thing.

Mari: It’s impressive the amount of broody teen she gives off considering she’s on this show. I mean, I hate her, but it’s impressive. 

Diva: She’s no Ryan Atwood, World Champion of Brooding, but she definitely made a name for herself in the Brood Olympics. Sandy broods into the kitchen and tells Kirsten that they’re not going to get the project. Kirsten says he doesn’t need caviar and champagne to woo the hospital – he should just show them who he really is. An awesome man with perfect eyebrows who loves bagels. Hey, it worked on Kirsten!

Kaitlin broods on the same pier that Seth is brooding at. Kaitlin offers him a hit of her joint, because she’s SUCH A BAD GIRL. She explains how hard it was being overshadowed by Marissa her whole life, and right then, Marissa shows up to take her home. Kaitlin is basically like, bye Seth, call me if you need weed!

Marissa answers Kaitlin’s phone when she sees it’s Johnny calling. Johnny makes up some bullshit about how he was actually trying to reach her, not Kaitlin. Kaitlin is pissed that whenever a guy calls, it has to be for Marissa and not for her. Marissa tries to make nice and invites her out to the Bait Shop for the night, but Kaitlin says she has plans. Probably with Johnny, who also made an excuse for why he can’t hang that night. When Marissa leaves, Kaitlin calls Johnny and invites him to the Bait Shop. Uh ohz.

Julie arrives at the Casa de Roberts. She wants to have dinner tonight (Saturday) instead of Sunday, since it’s Kaitlin’s birthday and she’s having a tiny little trailer-sized party for her. Neil graciously offers the use of his house for the party – the girls can use the pool, and Neil and Julie can still hang! Julie doesn’t actually give a response before Neil hands her a key and says she can let herself in to do whatever prep is necessary.

Ryan asks Seth and Summer mock interview questions. Summer mentions that the person who has most influenced her intellectual development is Miuccia Prada, and I actually think that’s a stupendous answer, but, you know. I’m a fashion blogger. I’m a little bit biased. Seth tells her to say something less fashun-y, like Einstein, but Summer refuses to lie. And, unlike Seth, realizes that Brown is definitely not looking for the same bullshit boring answers that every other student has given. AND her defense of Miuccia Prada is both accurate and brilliant. Brown better watch the fuck out for Summer Roberts. (M: Everything about this answer AND this paragraph is A+)

   

Summer leaves for a mani-pedi, and Seth word-vomits his way through an awful answer to Ryan’s next question. Zoomy cameraman gives us a Tom Hooper Les Mis-style close-up so we know just how fucking nuts Seth is right now. (M: Cameraman is basically like, “do you see how much he needs weed right now?”) (D: “Almost as much as I do, for having to witness every broody teen on this show in extreme close-up due to my career as a zoomy camerman.”)

Sandy tells Pretty Assistant With Issues (PAWI) to call back the hospital board people so they can take them out tomorrow night. For burritos. He wants to tour them around the less-than-wealthy area where they would build the hospital and show the board how many more people their location would serve, as opposed to the Rich Hospital for Rich People with Rich Diseases that their competitors are pitching. PAWI thinks a tee time and a fancy restaurant might be more appropriate, but Sandy is all, nope, we’re doing things my awesome Bronx Jewish rags-to-riches humble-upbringing way. Fuck your kobe beef, and have a burrito.

Bait Shop. Marissa sees Kaitlin and Johnny walk in together. Kaitlin pretends she forgot her sister would be here tonight, and tells her not to freak out that she and Johnny are friends. Who go for midnight swims. Marissa is horrified that Johnny would do that, but he explains he just got Kaitlin a towel. (M: That’s very, “I brought a watermelon.”) (D: A+) Marissa asks whether Johnny was actually calling her that morning, or Kaitlin. Ryan gets broody-face because Marissa is basically losing her shit over this. Kaitlin and Johnny leave, and Marissa tells Ryan she wishes they would have just told her the truth.

Johnny drives Kaitlin home. She says Marissa was really jealous to see them together. Johnny reminds Kaitlin that he’s 17 and she’s 14 (“15 tomorrow,” she says, like a child) and so he’s supremely not about to like, date her. She’s not thrilled. Johnny drops her off, and Seth creepily appears outside her door. He’s here for weed. (M: Shock.)

Casa de Cohen. Seth has a plastic bag with a couple of joints in it that he’s just staring at. I love that on television, weed always comes in conveniently pre-rolled joints. TV drug dealers are so thoughtful and considerate, you guys! Seth hides his stash as his dad walks in and tells him he’ll do great at today’s interview. When Sandy leaves, Seth decides to be a complete fucking idiot and smoke in his bedroom, while his parents are home. Seth. You live in southern California. There are literally countless better places to do this than twenty feet away from your father, who most DEFINITELY knows what weed smells like. Go to a beach or a pier like a normal person. Even KAITLIN is smarter than you right now.

Cooper Trailer. Marissa wishes her sister a happy birthday and says she doesn’t want to see her sister get hurt by an older guy. Kaitlin calls bullshit on that. Julie comes home and says Dr. Roberts offered his house up for the party, but Kaitlin is no longer interested in a party. Julie apologizes for forgetting her birthday, but says the family needs this. Kaitlin says she’ll go if she can invite a friend, and Marissa is all, NOPE. Julie insists Kaitlin should be able to invite whoevers he wants, and as K leaves, Julie asks Marissa for help with the set-up. Julie walks away singing The Sound of Music‘s worst song, “Sixteen Going on Seventeen,” which is about a teenage Nazi telling a girl one year younger than him that she needs an older, wiser man like him to tell her what to do. Seriously. That musical is FUCKED UP, you guys.

Mari: I fell in love with the musical before I knew how crazy it was. I always got real sad when they had to walk the mountains alone, though, even before I realized NAZIS.

Diva: Lolforever. Yeah, those guys definitely tend to make sad mountain-walking necessary.

Casa de Cohen. Kaitlin stops by for Ryan’s advice about inviting Johnny to the party, but actually, she’s there to stir up trouble by needling him about the fact that his girlfriend probably has feelings for Johnny. Ryan, to his credit, immediately sees through her bullshit. And tells her to talk to her sister instead of being such a fucking kochleffel. If Sandy were in charge of naming this episode, that’s what it would have been called. Kochleffel is Yiddish for someone who stirs shit up, though I think the literal translation is something like “soup ladle.” (Also, I checked back, and I gave this same exact Yiddish Lesson From Your Resident Jewish Snark Lady in the first O.C. episode I recapped. Sorry for the repetition, but I’m keeping this tangent here anyway, because it’s actually relevant to the title of the episode, and you can never learn the word kochleffel too many times, and Nana Cohen would approve.)

At the Roberts’ house, Julie thanks Kirsten for putting her new cooking skills to good use for the party. Kirsten thinks Neil must like TOTALLY have a crush on her, what with the whole offering-up-his-house thing. Julie’s already ready to move in and redecorate.

Sandy hands fancy hospital board dude a Churro and realizes they’re losing his interest. (M: Losing interest after a churro? Who is this monster?) They invite him to dinner, at his choice of restaurant.

Kaitlin tells Marissa to come swim, and Marissa’s all, um, I can’t, I’m setting up for YOUR party. Kaitlin plays the good girl and thanks Dr. Roberts for his hospitality. Johnny shows up and Kaitlin introduces him while flirting more than is necessary, leading Marissa to awkwardly leave.

Seth is in his room, smoking his courteously pre-rolled joints, as Ryan knocks on his door. Seth is very stoned, and his interview is in half an hour, and therefore he is a goddamn idiot. Ryan immediately notices that this room reeks of weed and that Seth is babbling like an idiot, so, yeah. Nice job, bro. Ryan calls Summer and tells her to stall the interviewers so that he has time to deal with the hot disaster that is his stupid brother/bestie. Ryan made some coffee, and Seth insists he’s not stoned. He’s just chilling out in Ryan’s shower for fun. Like you do.

   

They get to the school and Seth explains why he did this – he can’t go back to life before Ryan showed up and Summer started talking to him. He’s afraid he’s going to lose everything that’s made his life worth living for the last two years. Ryan reminds Seth that he made this happen himself – he was the one to declare his love for Summer on a coffee cart. And also, where did he get the weed? Seth confesses it came from Kaitlin. Summer leaves her interview, and notices something is weird about Seth. She tells him not to fuck this up or he’ll ruin their future together. But, like, no pressure. Instead of heading into the interview, Seth turns and walks away. Which is probably a better idea than trying to stoned-ramble his way through a college admissions interview. But also, use your words and tell your girlfriend what’s going on.

Kaitlin B-Day Party. Marissa tells Ryan she’s not exactly thrilled with what she’s learning about her baby sister. Ryan is all, uh, then I should probs tell you this thing about Seth…

Mari: I’m not really following the logic of adding insult to injury just then but OKAY.

Diva: I think it’s because now Kaitlin is a drug dealer in addition to all her previous craziness. Anyway, Kaitlin brings Johnny up to Summer’s room. She reminds him that they’re only two years apart now, and he supposedly likes her, so he should prove it by making out with her face. She kisses him, and he does his best to not respond. She says they should go back to the party.

Marissa has clearly just heard the news about her baby sister dealing drugs to Seth, and is PISSED. Seth walks in a bit bleary-eyed and realizes Marissa knows about the weed and where it came from. Kaitlin and Johnny walk downstairs and she tries to make it sound like they were having raucous celebratory birthday sex upstairs. Marissa storms off, and Ryan follows her.

Sandy and PAWI have apparently turned the latter’s apartment into a Playboy mansion for the hospital exec. Hospital Dude tells Sandy he can’t tell the difference between their two proposals anyway – um, they’re in entirely different neighborhoods and serve entirely different clientele, so, you’re kind of bad at your job, bro – and he’ll give Sandy the job just because Sandy’s trying to get him laid, I guess? Sandy tells PAWI they got the hospital, but Sandy isn’t exactly thrilled.

Mari: I wouldn’t be thrilled if I had to watch Gross Older Man Flirting all night long either.

Diva: Same. That’s why I don’t watch Pretty Little Liars!

Kaitlin tries to disappear with Johnny, but Marissa says she needs to talk to her sister alone. She lists Kaitlin’s recent sins and Kaitlin says, we both know this is about your crush on Johnny. Kaitlin might be a dick, but she’s right about this one. She tells Marissa she and Johnny like, totally made out, and leaves.

Julie asks Marissa where Kaitlin went. Marissa explains that Kaitlin bailed after their fight. Julie blames Marissa for fighting with her sister on her birthday, and reminds her how important this party was to bringing them all back together. Marissa rightfully says that this family needs more than a party to fix it, and leaves. Ryan offers to drive her, but she wants to walk and be alone. Ryan awkwardly peaces out on his own, leaving Julie and Neil to awkward about the Cooper family issues. Neil realizes that their families are complicated and maybe they shouldn’t move things along in their relationship until they figure some shit out.

Seth shows up as Summer is perusing the Brown materials for info on human sexuality courses, which she notes Seth could get some use out of. It’s okay, Summer. High school boys just don’t know how to give orgasms yet. He’ll learn. And in the mean time, buy a vibrator. (M: Diva just saved you a semester.) Anyway, Summer asks about the interview and begs him to say it went well, and he pretends it was fabulous.

Kirsten is in the world’s coziest-looking bathrobe and chats with Sandy in his office. He doesn’t seem victorious about his win, and he stays up late to prep for his meeting with the hospital board tomorrow.

Then I paused the show, because my speakers started emitting this really weird erratic noise that sounded like something was exploding inside my computer. Apparently, this is what passed for music in the mid-aughts, because this is in fact not the sound of me having to spend four hours at the Genius Bar to fix my laptop. This is just the soundtrack to this show. I am officially humiliated that I once thought every song on this show was the greatest music in the universe. This is clickety-clackity garbage. Or maybe I’ve gotten old.

Ryan looks at a photo of himself and Marissa and broods. Marissa sits on the beach and broods. Kaitlin can’t open the door to her trailer for some reason, and broods. Julie leaves Neil’s key in his house and leaves, and broods. Summer reads the Brown course schedule and broods. Seth sits in his bedroom, lights another joint, and broods.

 

Next time on The OC: Marissa has to choose between Ryan and Johnny in S03 E14 – The Heavy Lifting.