Previously: Matt takes Ryan to a strip club and gets fired and then rehired.
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The Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vakkah
Alex: I should confess right now that I haven’t been keeping up with the OC recaps at all, so I have absolutely no idea what’s happening on the show at the moment. I thought I had watched all of Season 3 when it first aired, but there were people in the previouslies that I didn’t recognise at all, so I’m going to have to just wing it.
From the title I know that this is a Chrismukkah episode, but we open with a bunch of shots of a very sunny OC which just seems wrong to me, typing this just after Christmas while wrapped in a blanket watching the snow fall outside. I can’t decide if I’m jealous or if I feel sorry for the OC people with their weird warm Christmas.
Marines: 1- Wow we fell behind on these recaps…
2- I have warm Christmas too. I’ve been swimming on Christmas. Sometimes I think I feel bad about it but then I remember snow and I’m over it.
Alex: It’s true, it’s June now. However, I’m still wrapped in a blanket listening to the rain as I reply to your comments, because Scotland.
Summer, Seth, Ryan and Marisa are picking out Christmas trees. Summer is being super fussy and subjecting every tree to a lengthy critique. I recently did some voluntary work selling trees for a local charity, and there were definitely a few Summers there too. Anyway, Seth takes this opportunity to remind us that he invented Chrismukkah to fulfill every young Jewish boy’s dream of celebrating Christmas, adding that every Christian kid wishes he could have a bar mitzvah. Ryan disagrees, and Seth tells him he just doesn’t know what he’s missing. The girls go off to look at more trees, and Ryan gives Marisa a kiss as they leave which I guess means they’re together now. Cool.
Marisa suggests to Summer that they should choose a tree for someone called Johnny, who I’m assuming is the kid I didn’t recognise in the previouslies. Summer teases her a little about how Johnny is totally in lurrrve with her, but Marisa insists that she’s spoken to Ryan about that and he’s fine with it. Summer agrees to choose a tree for Johnny, and we cut to the girls returning to the boys to tell them about their plan. Ryan thinks it’s a nice idea and goes to help Marisa get the tree they’ve chosen. Seth tells Summer that his Chrismukkah plans call for trouble, and they walk off looking kind of cosy which I think means they’re together too, but I’m not 100% sure.
After the credits, the kids arrive at Johnny’s house and I confirm that he is, indeed, the guy from the previouslies. He’s also limping. He and his mum thank them for the tree, but Johnny is reeling from some bad news: their insurance won’t cover his operation, which means he won’t be surfing again any time soon.
At the Cohen house, Kirsten is getting out the Chrismukkah decorations and reminiscing about old times. She says that this will be her first Chrismukkah without her dad, and I quickly pause to check whether that means he’s dead by this point. Yes, yes he is. (M: I see that research for this post. Good job, girl.) Kirsten’s also sad that it will be the last Chrismukkah with the boys still living at home, so Sandy tries to cheer her up by giving her Seth’s ‘best Chrismukkah ever’ spiel.
Meanwhile, the kids are discussing how much things suck for Johnny right now, and trying to think of ways to bring about a ‘Chrismukkah miracle’ for him. Seth’s inexplicable solution is that they should give Ryan a bar mitzvah. Er… what? Apparently when you have a bar mitzvah, people give you money, so if they have one for Ryan then they can give all the money to Johnny. That seems like an extremely convoluted way to hold a fundraiser to me, but everyone apart from Ryan is super excited by the idea. (M: I can’t even try to understand why a fundraising bar mitzvah is a thing.)
Julie is living in a trailer. Kirsten stops by to see how she’s doing, and Julie makes a lot of snooty comments about being one of those gross poor people who have to drink wine from SCREW TOP bottles. The horror! She also hasn’t told Marisa about her sad trailer yet, and is generally miserable. Kirsten sits down to keep her company for a while.
Seth and Summer arrive at Summer’s house. Seth makes awkward small talk with Dr. Roberts about baseball and the stock market until Summer sends him off to comb Princess Sparkle for a while. Cute. When Seth’s gone, Summer asks her dad to come to the Christmas tree lot to choose a tree after her ‘trial run’ helping the Cohens. She wants to know where her stepmum is, and Dr. Roberts replies that she’s out of town for work, but his shifty eyes suggest that he isn’t being entirely truthful.
Johnny is at home watching his old surfing videos and feeling sorry for himself. Marisa and Ryan find him and announce their plans for a fundraiser to pay for his operation. Johnny is less than thrilled at the idea of being Newport’s latest charity case, and politely declines the offer, suggesting that Ryan should understand where he’s coming from. Ryan is sympathetic, but urges him not to be proud and to accept the help. Johnny is having none of it and sees them out. I pause for a moment to be thankful for the NHS.
At the Cohens’ house the next day, Seth doesn’t care much that Johnny said no, because for him this is really all about throwing Ryan an awesome bar mitzvah to make up for his own crappy one, which nobody turned up to because they all went to Luke’s laserquest birthday party instead. Aww, poor BabySeth. (M: TeenSeth really has his priorities in order. Johnny who?) Ryan suggests that maybe Johnny will be more open to the idea now that he’s had time to sleep on it, so Marisa goes to speak to him again. OK, I’ll admit that my knowledge of Jewish traditions is severely lacking, but can you really just like, have a bar mitzvah? Does he not need to do a bunch of studying first? Or, you know, actually be Jewish? So many questions.
In the next scene, Sandy shares my confusion and tells the boys that the whole idea is actually rather offensive, confirming that you do indeed need to be Jewish in order to have a bar mitzvah. I knew it. (M: Well, at least the show acknowledged this a little bit…) Seth spouts a lot of nonsense about the marketing potential of bar mitzvahs and eventually Kirsten steps in to suggest a plan which actually makes some degree of sense: they’ll piggy-back on the upcoming Newport holiday party and say it’s a fundraiser for the hospital. Sandy reluctantly agrees to an ‘honorary’ bar mitzvah and lists a bunch of Jewish things that won’t be involved, none of which I understand. This episode is making me realise I know literally nothing about bar mitzvahs.
Mari: Perhaps the show was banking on that being the case for a large portion of their viewers…
Alex: Marisa goes to Johnny’s house to try to talk him into the fundraiser idea. He is rude and unwelcoming and quickly throws her out when he gets a phone call, but as she leaves he looks like he feels pretty bad about it.
Cohen house. Seth has a clay hotdog. IDK. He and Ryan are looking through embarrassing photos of his bar mitzvah while Seth digs out various study-aids for Ryan to prepare with.
At the hospital, Kirsten is telling Julie about her plan: they’ll hold a fundraiser to buy a new thingummyjig machine for the hospital, and they’ll suggest that perhaps the hospital could throw in Johnny’s surgery for free in return. This actually seems like a vaguely sensible plan. Good job, Kirsten! They run into Summer’s dad and Julie thanks him for letting Marisa stay at his place while their own house is being ‘remodelled’. They ask to see the hospital administrator, but Mr. Roberts offers to help instead. They proceed to tell him about the whole Chrismukkah Barmitzvukkah plan, because this fundraiser is apparently still going to be based around a fake bar mitzvah for reasons that I won’t even pretend to understand.
Seth is watching the video of his own bar mitvah. Everyone is dancing except poor BabySeth, who’s sitting at a table all alone. His parents comfort him, and he laments that nobody turned up even though they all RSVPed – not even Summer Roberts. Whoever continued filming throughout this entire conversation must be a total jerk. (M: He’s about to cry; can’t stop filming now!) Ryan interrupts this sad trip down memory lane to voice his fears about tomorrow, and Seth sincerely tells him how great it is that he’s doing all this to help Johnny.
Marisa’s at the diner waiting for Ryan, when she spots Johnny through the window taking part in some kind of dodgy after-dark cash-in-hand transaction. After the deal is done, she heads outside to talk to him on the beach. He tells her just how miserable he is now that his dreams have been completely shattered, and that she’s the only thing keeping him going nowadays. She offers some kind words of reassurance, and he responds by leaning in for a kiss. She successfully dodges and they have a long, lingering hug instead. Ryan, of course, arrives just in time to see them embracing, and angrily storms off. The whole hug-witnessed-by-jealous-partner thing is something that seems to happen on TV a lot, and it always really annoys me. Just use your words!
Mari: I’d even take an angry, “HEY. I SEE YOU HUGGING.” Actually, I think that would be hilarious and amazing.
Alex: YES. That would also be excellent.
The next day, Summer and her dad are decorating their tree (outside! what is this madness?) while they reflect on her parents’ divorce. He reminds her that even before he told her the news, she was already angry with him for not letting her go to Luke’s birthday party; he was going to make her go to Seth’s bar mitzvah instead, since she’d already RSVPed to that invitation. When Summer heard that her mother had walked out, she stayed in her room for three days and didn’t go to either party. Summer snarks a little about her stepmum’s drinking, but then apologises and says that she just misses her mother.
At the diner, Marisa meets Johnny and admits that she feels weird about the almost-kiss the previous night. Johnny asks why she still hangs out with him, knowing how he feels about her, and she replies that she just wants to stay friends. She tries to ask what exactly he was doing outside the diner last night, but all he will say is that that he’s ‘taking care of things’.
Mari: That’s TV talk for “doing something real stupid.”
Alex: Ryan is lying on his gigantic bed in his gigantic poolhouse watching his gigantic TV. Teenage me is jealous. Sandy arrives to give him ‘the big Sandy Cohen uplifting speech’ (his words). He reminds Ryan that a lot of people are excited about tonight and relying on him. Ryan points out what I did a few paragraphs ago, i.e. that they can still have a fundraiser without a fake bar mitzvah which didn’t even make any sense to begin with. But Sandy tells him that the whole point of a bar mitzvah is to become a man, and that he needs to swallow his pride. Ryan reluctantly smiles. I don’t know, Sandy. Seventeen-year-old Ryan already looks pretty manly to me. I’d be cautious about anything that might advance the aging process even further. (M: A+)
Julie is decorating a mini Christmas tree while listening to some kind of cowboy harmonica version of Silent Night. The power in her trailer cuts out and quickly puts a stop to that, and THANK GOODNESS. That was awful. I never want to hear it again, thank you very much. She goes outside to yell at her neighbour for the power cut, but finds Kirsten at the door. Kirsten persuades her to go talk to Marisa, so that they can spend the holidays together.
Cohen house. Ryan is wearing a suit which makes him look like an even-younger young Jim Gordon. (M: Traumatic flashbacks.) Marisa wants to know why he stood her up the night before, and he claims that he was busy studying the Old Testament. She says that it’s probably good that he didn’t turn up, because he might have seen her hugging Johnny and got the wrong idea. Ryan admits that he did see them. This is good, guys! More word-using, please. Marisa promises that they were just talking, but she’s worried about what Johnny might be up to. Ryan agrees to go talk to him.
Ryan gets to Johnny’s house and speaks to his mum, who thanks him for being a good friend to her son during this difficult time. Ryan snoops around Johnny’s room while he’s in the shower, and finds something in his backpack which I spent several rewinds trying to identify (a skateboard wheel? IDK) but it turned out not to be at all relevant to the rest of the episode anyway. (M: #snarkladyproblems) Johnny comes out of the bathroom with wet hair, but fully clothed. That’s another weird thing that TV-people do: dry off and get dressed astonishingly quickly after showers. Anyway, Ryan invites Johnny to the party, reassuring him that it’s actually a fake bar mitzvah and not a fundraiser for him, so he doesn’t need to worry about being a charity case. Johnny doesn’t seem keen at first, but Ryan persuades him and even manages to get him looking sort of keen at the idea of going out. However, once Ryan leaves him to get changed, Johnny reaches under a pile of clothes and pulls out a gun. DUN DUN DUUUH.
Bar mitzvah/Chrismukkah party/Fundraiser. Seth is writing a message on a picture of BabyRyan, and I can’t figure out whether it’s actually a young Ben McKenzie or not. He talks again about the sad bar mitzvah where nobody came. Ryan and Marisa arrive with Johnny, and Sandy summons everyone for photos. Ryan whispers to Marisa that they should find out what Johnny’s up to.
Julie arrives at the Roberts’ house, dressed up for the party, and is greeted by Summer’s dad. Marisa isn’t there, but he invites her in for a drink anyway. They bond over the difficulties of raising teenage daughters. Julie mentions her ‘remodel’ again and Dr. Roberts makes a comment about telling ‘white lies’ to their children. This startles Julie, but it turns out he’s talking about himself: his second wife is an alcoholic and they’re on the brink of divorce. Julie confesses that she lives in a trailer park. They drink, and then she suggests that they go to the party together.
Mari: Julie has had pretty crappy luck with men, but never for want of men. Work it, girl.
Alex: Marisa gets pulled into a Cohen family photo, and Johnny takes the opportunity to sneak off.
Marisa tries to follow, but loses him in the crowd. As Sandy gives Ryan a lengthy introduction on stage, Marisa tells him that Johnny is missing. Ryan goes to look for him instead. Sandy finishes his speech and invites Ryan up onto the stage, but Marisa begs Seth to stall. He decides to act out the story of Hanukkah for the audience, with help from Summer and Marisa. (M: This is not the first time they’ve been stalling on stage. #NewportLiving)
Ryan runs outside just in time to see Johnny driving off, so he jumps in his car and follows him. I watched Gotham earlier today, so the sight of Ben McKenzie in a suit, running around looking for stuff, is seriously confusing me. I have to keep reminding myself which show this is.
Mari: Can you IMAGINE if Fish popped up suddenly and started waggling her finger? I think I would die.
Alex: That would be utterly horrifying.
Ryan gets stopped at a red light right next to a gas station mini-mart, which gives him a perfect view of Johnny getting out of his car and tucking the gun into his jeans in a ridiculously conspicuous manner.
Inside the mini-mart, there’s a much nicer version of Silent Night playing that the one in Julie’s trailer. Johnny skulks around looking highly suspicious, quickly drawing the attention of the shopkeeper who gets out his own gun. I have no plans to ever rob a shop, but if I did, I don’t think I could possibly be any more unsubtle than Johnny is being right now.
Johnny fumbles in the back of his jeans, pulls out the gun, and is a nanosecond away from pointing it at the shopkeeper when Ryan calmly walks in and asks for cigarettes. While the shopkeeper is busy getting those, Ryan asks Johnny what the hell he’s doing. Johnny replies that he doesn’t have a choice. Apart from all those rich people who offered to give him the money, of course. While I get that’s he’s uncomfortable about accepting their help, I think armed robbery is probably a good few rungs below that on the ‘acceptable ways to pay for my operation’ scale. Ryan tells Johnny that sometimes you have to let the rich people help you, and Johnny finally agrees. They leave just as the cops arrive, presumably summoned by the shop keeper.
At the fundraiser, Sandy and Seth are singing the dreidel song and trying unsuccessfully to get the audience to join in. Summer and Marisa fare slightly better with ‘Deck the Halls’, but thankfully Ryan arrives to take the stage at last. He gives a nice speech explaining that a ‘mitzvah’ is an act of kindness, such as the one the Cohens extended to him, and that that’s what they should be celebrating. We don’t get to hear the rest of the speech, but it was apparently very good because everyone congratulates him afterwards. Summer, Seth, Ryan, Marisa and Johnny have a big group Chrismukkah hug.
Julie and Dr. Roberts arrive and join in the group hug with their daughters. The Cohen parents soon get involved too, and everyone dances together as the episode ends with Kirsten confirming that this was, indeed, the best Chrismukkah ever.
Mari: Yeah, the jury is still out on that one.
Alex: Merry Chrismukkah everyone! Oh, it’s June now? Never mind.
Next time on The OC: Everyone works to get Marissa back into Harbor in S03 E11 – The Safe Harbor.
I'm a thirty-year-old postgrad living in Scotland. When I'm not writing (which, between my degree and Snark Squad, is almost never) I watch entirely too much TV, and live in constant fear of the day that I run out of things to watch.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
