Charmed S02 E04 – These things cannot be unseen.

Previously: Phoebe was smart for a few hours.
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The Devil’s Music

Marines: We open with a very lame night at P^3. People are leaving because this show is so awful the club is dead.

  Prue tells Phoebe that she thinks they are going to have to take up that offer. Phoebe responds, “please tell me about that offer even though we’ve presumably already talked about it off screen!” Apparently, some guy named Chris Barker has offered them a no-interest loan they can pay back anytime. Prue says they aren’t going to tell Piper about it, though, because.

That’s Piper’s cue to appear and ask if they like the name P^3, because GET IT? They are P’s and also the power of 3. Phoebe tries to gently tell her that the club is lame. Piper tells her to calm down because it’s not like they are going to lose the house. She walks away and Phoebe freaks out a little. Prue tells her it’ll be fine because they are going to take the totally not suspicious loan and trust Piper to fill the club with people. Phoebe sadly asks these hypothetical people where they are.

Stephanie: They’re at The Bronze, where you have an 85% chance of dying, but it’s still preferable to this. 

Mari: PSYCHE, THEY ARE AT A DISHWALLA CONCERT. This is not a joke. I don’t actually know who they are but I have a feeling that I should? (S: No clue either, but I don’t think we’re missing out.) Leo is at this concert where the extras are bouncing around out of time with the song that’s actually playing. Backstage, the band’s new manager leads a cute, young girl through a hall, saying creepy things like, “you seem like a good… SOUL,” and “you said you’d do anything.” The girl is too excited to notice, I guess, and happily goes to wait for the band in another room.

In that room, Good Soul hears scary sounds. She screams unconvincingly as something we can’t see roars. The Smarmager listens outside the door until all is quiet. He lets himself in and says that he can’t do this anymore. A demon walks out of the wall and says they had a pact. The Smarmager gets what he wants and the demon does as well. We see that Good Soul is squirming around in the demon’s belly.

Steph: Is it the Absorbaloff from Doctor Who? 

Mari: Hey, it’s that time in the episode already: I’d rather be watching… Doctor Who!

I AM THE SAHN.

More Dishwalla takes us through the establishing shots and to a radio station where they are the in-studio guests. Smarmager leaves the studio, looking for a bathroom, and bumps into Leo. He grabs the Smarmager by the arm and lightly pushes him into a wall. Smarmager asks what’s going on and Leo blows angel dust in his face. True story. (S: I laughed for five whole minutes.)

P^3. (I miss typing Qua    ke.) Piper is looking at her ledger and she’s in the red. Jenny lets herself in and babbles about being arrested for being underage and at a club and neighbors doing favors for each other and a band she has to see. Piper has no idea what she’s talking about and then they are interrupted by the Smarmager himself. See, Dishwalla wants to play an intimate setting and the Smarmager thinks P^3 is the perfect hole in the wall. Jenny gets excited and asks if she can meet the band. Smarmager tells her to be careful what she wishes for.

Prue is on the phone with Chris Barker, who is riding in his limo, in case we forgot he was mega-rich. His offer for a no-interest loan is still on the table and so his request to take Prue to dinner in Paris. Prue is all, “UGH NO.” but will still take his money. After the call, Phoebe wonders if they are doing the right thing. Prue says she thinks so! Piper comes running in and tells then the exciting news that Dishwalla is playing at P^3.

    The doorbell rings and Piper runs off to answer. She’s happy to see Leo, but he’s there to burst her bubble and tell her he made the Dishwalla thing happen because there is a demon involved. He cast a spell he saw some other witch do and suggested to the Smarmager that his band play at P^3. Piper is pissed at him for bringing this trouble to her club. Leo explains that the Smarmager made a deal with Masselin. The more souls Masselin devours, the more successful Smarmager is. They have to free the people in his belly and then destroy him. Piper is furious. Leo says they’ll talk, but later because he has to TINKLE.

Steph: This is why their future marriage doesn’t work. Typical Whitelighter. 

Mari: Phoebe makes a joke about never dating co-workers but Piper is too mad to laugh. Also, it isn’t funny. Phoebe figures Leo didn’t really have a choice in all this, and they probably don’t either. Prue takes off because she has to get to the office to speak to Barker.

Morris (S: Noooo.)(M: Hahahaha) is questioning Smarmager about the disappearance of Good Soul. Smarmager plays dumb, even as Morris keeps pushing and showing him more pictures of girls gone missing from clubs where Dishwalla has played.

Halliwell Manor. Piper’s found the Masselin in the Book of Shadows. She darts between her issues with Leo and trying to figure out how to defeat the Masselin. Neither thing is particularly interesting.

 

Steph: How does the Book of Shadows work again? Do witches add parts to it over the years? If so, I like that whoever added these pages took the time to draw decorative flourishes. 

Mari: Someone was into using their Crayola Marker set!

Backstage somewhere, Smarmager tells Masselin that the police are onto him and he’s totally done with their pact. Masselin hits him with some demon fire. So I guess it’s a binding contract, then.

Buckland. Prue’s telling Barker that she no longer needs his loan, which makes him weirdly upset. And, now that P^3 landed Dishwalla, he wants in on their business and WENT TO THE BANK TO OFFER TO PICK UP THEIR LOAN. This is Christian Grey levels of NO, SIR. STOP IT. Prue tries to softly threaten him, but Barker won’t budge. He tells Prue to get him on the guest list for that night, 2 passes, and a booth close to the stage.

Manor. Phoebe is, no joke, cooking up a demonic antacid that will dissolved Masselin and leave his victims free. Piper asks how they are going to feed the demon that thing, and Phoebe volunteers to get close to Smarmager, so she can get led to the demon. She’ll be swallowed, antacid and all. Piper switches the subject back to Leo. She’s so mad he didn’t even consult with her. Phoebe tells her just to talk to him.

    Steph: She’s frustrated because she knows that they end up married in the future, but she also knows that they separate due to their magical incompatibility. So why is she surprised that they’re having these issues in their relationship already?

Mari: I mean, she even knows that their kisses go downhill after that one day in 1999.

It’s Dan. He’s concerned because Jenny is under the impression that she’ll get to see Dishwalla that night. Piper admits she didn’t exactly discourage the idea, but she can go speak to Jenny now. Except Leo’s at the door too. Piper starts the introduction between the two men, but Leo knows who Dan is, because he used to play second base for the Mariners. Piper finds it interesting that Leo has time to follow baseball but not to tell her about demons showing up at her club, and stuff. Dan offers to leave them to their awkwardness, but Piper says she doesn’t need to speak to Leo. He just shows up to fix things occasionally. Piper leaves with Dan.

Buckland. Prue is leaving but she’s stopped by Morris who gives her a whole speech about how he knows that they are involved with the Smarmager case, and he isn’t Andy. Prue doesn’t have to tell him everything, but they do have to communicate. Prue agrees and tells him she’s working on the missing girls case and has it under control for now. Morris accepts this and Prue leaves.

Dan’s house. Piper breaks it to Jenny that she can’t get into the club and she has a meltdown.

P^3. Prue left word with the bouncer to not let Barker in. Phoebe is going to worry about that later. She’s also wearing a hideous sequined belly shirt with lavender pants that are either crinkly or hairy…?

Steph: She’s wearing every 90’s fashion disaster rolled into one outfit. It’s the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen. She also has that once popular twisty hairstyle, which is a thing I was also guilty of, butterfly clips and all. 

Mari: The Smarmager arrives and checks in with Piper. She points him in the direction of the band. Leo is there too, watching over things. He tries to talk to Piper but she says she doesn’t have time for him.

Phoebe and Prue spot the Smarmager. Phoebe tells her sis to keep an eye on her and Prue, bless her, says, “you’re kind of hard to miss in that outfit.” Understatement. It burns the eyes.

  Phoebe sidles up to Smarmager and says she recognized him from an MTV thing. She flatters him and says the, “I would do just about anything,” magic words. He asks if she wants to meet the band and leads her away. Back stage, WE CAN NOW SEE THAT THESE ARE, LIKE, SATIN PANTS COVERED BY SOME KIND OF WRAP AROUND HANKERCHIEF ON TOP.

Steph: What has been seen today can never be unseen. 

Mari: Smarmager pushes Phoebe into a room and locks it. Piper and Prue show up a second later. Prue telekinesises a door open and finds the Smarmager running away. Piper freezes time and they go in after Phoebe. The demon shows up and Phoebe holds up the balloon very visibly, so of course the demon is all, “forget this,” and leaves. Was this really the plan? Show the demon the thing that will kill him? (S: You didn’t really expect Phoebe to come up with a genius plan without the help of a smart spell, did you?) When her sister enter, Phoebe tells them they are going to need a bigger balloon (was that really the issue there?) and they run out. Time unfreezes and the Smarmager looks confused.

Out in the club, I swear I hear the Charmed theme music, so I freaked out for a second that Dishwalla sang the cover of How Soon Is Now that plays over the credits. THEY DON’T. They are irrelevant in every form. *phew*

Phoebe is freaking but Prue says all they have to do is cover the exits and keep an eye on the Smarmager.

Backstage, Masselin accuses the Smarmager of bringing witches with antacid. Smarmager swears he didn’t know a thing about it. Masselin tells him to take the antacid away from the witches and bring them backstage again, tempting them with an innocent soul.

Outside, Jenny is making her way through the crowd, trying to sneak in. Thankfully at the front door, the bouncer is distracted by Barker. He isn’t on the guest list but flashes a whole $50 and is let in. Inside, Dishwalla starts playing.

Steph: This whole Dishwalla thing is really upsetting me. The title of this episode led me to believe that the devil would be singing at some point, but that clearly won’t be happening. 

Mari: Fresh disappointment, all thanks to Charmed.

Out in the crowd, Leo finds Piper and asks her what’s going on. I guess he means with the demon, but SHOCK talk turns to their relationship. Piper spots Morris coming into the club and runs to tell Prue, who just spotted Barker.

Smarmager finds Phoebe and tells two security dudes that she’s got something extremely illegal in her purse. They check her purse and find the balloon. In the struggle to get it away, the thing bursts open AND SPILLS ALL OVER THE HIDEOUS HANKER-PANTS. OH MY GOSH, that was the best part of the episode!

Jenny’s made it in and Smarmager sees her. He remembers her from earlier and asks if she’d like to meet the band. She says she’d do anything to meet them (okay, people. Who are you? WHO SAYS THAT?) (S: If someone asked me if I wanted to meet the band, I’d be like, “nah, that sounds awkward.”) and he leads her away. Meanwhile, Barker finds Prue and Piper and introduces himself as the guy who is taking over everything. Morris finds them and says he has to talk to them. Phoebe runs up and says Jenny’s there and the potion is gone. Overwhelmed, Piper freezes the whole room. They see Jenny and “oh my god” through the crowd in her direction. For whatever reason, the time freeze only lasts like 5 seconds this time and they don’t make it to her in time. Smarmager pushes her into the demon room.

It appears and she screams us into a not!break. Afterward, Piper wants to run in after Jenny but her sisters stop her, because they don’t have the potion. Sorry, Jenny! Good luck! Instead they find Smarmeger. Prue squints at him! She hasn’t squinted in a while, I feel like. Smarmager says there is nothing he can do and if they go in there, Masselin will swallow them whole. Piper says that’s not a bad idea, and honestly, I thought that was the idea in the first place? Piper demands to know where the demon is and, what? I thought we knew exactly where he was? Through the door they were just trying to get in? I feel like some of these scripts were written kind of like that game where everyone goes around adding a sentence or word to a story.

Steph: Not likely. That would lead to a more interesting episode. 

Mari: Piper’s plan is that they get swallowed and Prue blows the thing up from the inside. Phoebe realizes that her hideous pants still have the antacid stain and gets an idea. She busts into the room with a Very Useful Kick and once she’s in there, she just stands around. Prue telekinesises her stupid wrap-around inside of the demon’s mouth. WHY WOULDN’T THEY JUST HAVE TELEKINESISED THE POISON IN HIS MOUTH IN THE FIRST PLACE??

UGH. Whatever. It works. The demon explodes just as Barker walks in. He sees the last little bit of bad special effects, and then gets blown back by a bunch of demon goo. The missing girls land in a pile on the ground. The Ps help them up just as Morris walks in. He asks what’s going on and they tell him he’s arresting a kidnapper and rescuing his victims. Morris is all, “fine, evidence and stuff is for losers,” and arrests Smarmager.

Prue crouches down next to a very distraught Mr. Barker. She tells him that P^3 is theirs, demon goo and all, and if he ever bothers them again, she’ll threaten him so hard.

Dishwalla plays on. For a long time.

Steph: BOOOOOO. I was promised a performance by the devil! 

Mari: Manor. Piper is paying all her bills. Phoebe points out that all the mad money is technically thanks to Leo. Piper adds that the demon did technically save them from Barker, who withdrew his offer. Piper says she now realizes that personal relationships and business don’t mix well. Oh, goody, I guess that means more drawn out Piper/Leo stuff. How very exciting.

Steph: Serious question: Is this a relationship that proper Charmed fans care about? Or is this the one thing we can all agree sucks?

Mari: Oh, good question. Let us know in the comments!

The bell rings and Piper answers. She lets Leo in, but he can’t stay because he only stops by when he can’t stay, or something. They have their chat about their relationship. She doesn’t want him to stop being a faux-angel, but him being a faux-angel makes their relationship complicated. His hair is really weird and stiff, too. Very bird’s-nest-y. Anyway, after this chat, they are in the exact same place in their relationship, so that’s cool. They kiss and he leaves.

Outside, Dan is getting his mail. Piper heads out to brood and she catches a glimpse of him and waves.

      Steph: I can’t wait to see who Piper ends up with! Just kidding. No one cares. 

Mari: Well, just remember that, ladies! You may be hurting over a guy, but the next one is nearby. Probably just outside your door!

 

Next time on Charmed: Phoebe is having killer sex dreams in S02 E05 – She’s a Man, Baby, a Man!