Charmed S02 E09 – Who is Barbas?

Previously: Momma P had a secret whitelighter lover.
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Ms. Hellfire

Stephanie: I can already tell from the title alone that this episode will be stupid. Don’t disappoint me Charmed.

Marines: It never has.

Steph: Prue takes a business call while Phoebe eats breakfast and urges her to hurry up so they can attend a Tae Bo class. LOL. Tae Bo.

Prue’s cell rings and Phoebe answers. It’s work too, with more stressful work stuff. Who cares?

Piper comes home and her sisters tease her because she’s always with Dan. Piper doesn’t care. Life has been normal and not even Friday the 13th can bring her down. Prue and Phoebe try to shush her before she can say the day, but she finishes and tacks on a SEE NOTHING HAPPENED. JINXED.

Suddenly, gunfire pours in through all the windows, ruining breakfast. RIP breakfast. Prue and Phoebe leap behind the couch and Piper ducks in a corner. For some reason, Phoebe thinks Piper should run over to them even though there are bullets flying through the air and Piper complies because of course. She runs across the spray of bullets, freezing them midrun instead of, you know, beforehand. We’re not even a full 2 minutes in and this episode has already exceeded the levels of stupid I was expecting.

Mari: SEE? Why would you even question it?

Steph: I don’t know. I guess a small part of me still thinks this show might turn good. Nice to see that’s not the case.

The gunfire stops and these three dimwits decide to poke their heads above the couch. Unfortunately, they duck down again before the next bullets fly in. (M: Why did breakfast have to die and these three are still alive?) They wonder if it’s a demon and why a demon would be using guns. Seems like a legit way to kill people to me.

The knob at the front door starts to turn and they quickly plan out their next course of action. Freezing, kicking, and then tele-flying. They could probably ditch the kicking part, but then Phoebe wouldn’t have anything to do.

Mari: They could also ditch the part where they “plan” anything since this is the plan, every single time.

Steph: It’s no matter though, because a woman dressed like dominatrix enters from the opposite direction and opens fire. Prue uses her hand to activate Matrix Bullet Time and sends the bullets flying back at Dominatrix. The sisters check out the body and realize she’s not a demon because there’s blood coming out of her? I dunno, I guess the poking test holds true even with bullets. I really have zero grasp on this show’s demon lore. Anyway, they all make faces like they feel kind of bad for killing a human.

I AM THE SAHN.

The establishing shots and cheerful rock music lead us into a shot of Dominatrix dead in a pool of her own blood. What a bizarrely grim transition. The P’s go through the contents of her purse and find her collection of IDs and weapons, including a blade hidden in a lipstick tube, which is actually really great and something every lady should own. (M: Hey, maybe we can make Snark Squad branded ones!)

Prue’s upset that she killed a mortal, but Piper finds evidence that she was a hit woman, so it’s cool. Inside her hit woman diary is a list of victim names. The P’s are there along with a list of their abilities. Instead of her power, it just says “negligible” next to Phoebe’s name and I laugh and laugh. Prue wonders why a demon would hire a hit woman to get rid of them.

Detective Morris arrives and they get straight to telling him about almost dying. Morris wants to know how they’re okay while Dominatrix is covered in bullets, especially if they never touched her gun. Phoebe just comes straight out and tells him they’re witches. He listens silently while they explain that there might be a demon after them. Morris nods and accepts everything. I like this calm reaction because  it means we don’t have to sit through any kind of “what witches? NO WAY!” scene. (M: +1) They pass him the Death Diary with only one name left other than the P’s. Morris and Phoebe head out to find the location of the next victim while Prue and Piper decide to head over to Dominatrix’s apartment, but not before they head to Buckland because you still have to go to work even when you’re on a hit list.

Mari: What? If that’s not an excuse for calling out, I don’t know what is. And I work in HR too, so these are official thoughts.

Steph: You heard it here, friends. If you need a day off work, skip the fake coughing and try, “can’t come in, on a hit list.”

Buckland. Prue hurries into a meeting and grabs an empty seat next to Jack. The new regional VP says a lot of business buzz words and then partners Prue with Jack to raise $100,000 in a day. Okay. In the background, Piper makes noises and tries to get Prue’s attention. I really want to like Piper, but she’s too wacky.

Jack asks Prue to go out to dinner with him to talk business (and probably pleasure too because he’s gross and won’t leave her alone) while Piper keeps wiggling around by the door. For some reason, Jack does not notice any of this ridiculousness. Prue becomes overwhelmed looking back and forth between the two until she transports out of her body and over to Piper. She and Piper look at each other in confusion for a moment and then she pops back into herself. Prue looks highly uncomfortable and instead of being like, “hey are you feeling okay?” Jack’s all, “PRUE, ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?” I hate this guy. (M: So much.)

She excuses herself and walks over to Piper, telling her she thinks she experienced astral projection because she felt like there needed to be two of her. They have this discussion about half a foot away from Jack. Piper asks if maybe it’s her powers developing. Prue responds that if she can move things with her mind, why not her body? That doesn’t really make any sense, but maybe this show is getting too clever for me.

Mari: THAS CUTE. No. 

Steph: Morris drives crazy with Phoebe in the passenger seat as they try to make it to the next victim. Phoebe’s all, “don’t you want to know about witches?” and Morris is all, “I really don’t care” because Morris is the voice of the audience. He says that he doesn’t want to be dragged into a dangerous world of magical stuff, and Phoebe reminds him that it’s too late, but it’s okay because they have his back. He’s only got Phoebe with him right now, so I don’t know what she’s going to bring to the table. Her only skill is gymnastics. They spot a woman unlocking a shop. Morris rushes out of the car and knocks her away from the door just as an explosion triggers. The baby voiced woman is super stoked that she cast a protection spell and it worked since she didn’t explode. Morris is unhappy with the rising number of witches in his life.

Piper and Prue arrive at the hit woman’s apartment. Prue checks out the bedroom and gets distracted by a closet full of gaudy clothing.

Piper checks the kitchen and there’s no food. What? This woman was a monster. (M: Totally don’t feel bad about killing her.) She joins Prue in the bedroom and finds her trying on the clothes and being very excited by makeup and wigs. There doesn’t seem to be any evidence of who the hit woman really was except for a vase of roses addressed to Ms. Hellfire from Bane. Prue smells the flowers just as a skeevy dude with a ponytail and a hideous yellow silk shirt enters with his henchmen and a gun pointed. He thinks that she’s Ms. Hellfire and he’s been sent by Bane to retrieve her. Once they get that information, Piper uses her freezing powers effectively for once. Prue wants to go with Ponytail because no one knows what the real Ms. Hellfire looks like anyway. Plus, she can protect herself against guns with her Bullet Time magic. She thinks it’s a good idea for them to figure out who Bane is first before he sends more people after them. Also, she just wants to keep wearing those clothes. Piper notes that she’s just a little too enthusiastic about this entire situation.

Mari: I understand none of Prue’s logic right now. 

Steph: Some restaurant. We meet Bane, and it’s clear that he’s really bad because he’s lounging back like he’s super important and has a tough guy New York accent. This doesn’t change the fact that he looks like a boy band member.

Mari: He’s Antonio Sabato Jr. I can’t really tell how I know Antonio? My sisters are sitting near me and I asked them if they know him and they both said yes. I asked them what from and they couldn’t tell either. Melrose Place, maybe? Oh, but he played Deathstroke on Lois & Clark, so maybe this explains everything. 

Steph: Prue arrives in her hideous leather robe-coat. They greet each other flirty and then head upstairs to discuss Ms. Hellfire’s hit list. As they walk, Prue removes her coat and there’s more leather under the leather. Since this is the 90’s I guess I should just be glad that she’s not donning double denim.

Bane wants to know what’s the deal with the Halliwells and Prue lies, saying she couldn’t get a clean shot, but she did manage to blow up Baby Voice. He informs her that she has until midnight to do the job, and that he’s getting a lot of pressure. Prue tries to find out where the pressure is coming from, but Bane’s just like, “you knooooow.” Her cell rings and it’s our favorite forever, Jack, freaking out about the money they’re supposed to be raising. Somehow he can hear Bane offering her champagne, even though he didn’t hear her speaking to Piper about her out of body experience right behind him. Speaking of, Prue becomes overwhelmed again and zaps out of her body and over to Jack and then back into her body with Bane again. She’s makes pained faces, so Bane takes her champagne away. Rude. Prue attempts to make an escape, but Bane grabs her arm and sweetly tells her he’ll drive. Before leaving, Bane orders Ponytail to talk to someone in his office.

Ponytail heads to Bane’s office and some old guy materializes, startling him. Some Old Guy (I realized some time later that I’m supposed to know who this guy is, but chose to leave my obliviousness here for the laughs) wants to know why the witches aren’t dead, and Ponytail is like, “WITCHES?” but then continues on with the conversation like he knows exactly what’s happening. Some Old Guy says he knew they weren’t dead because he developed a 6th sense in purgatory, and sniffs the air like a freak weirdo. He has a 24 hour window to free himself, but the witches need to be dead by then. Ponytail asks who he is, and he just responds “demon.” He then shows off his cool demon skill of showing people their fears by having Bane appear and shoot Ponytail in the chest. Just kidding though, it wasn’t real. Some Old Guy is hamming it up so much, and I cannot stop laughing. He’s so ridiculous I had to look him up, and it turns out we’ll have him cheesing it up for another 6 episodes. Also, his name is Barbas. (Future Steph: But you probably already knew that.)

Mari: I didn’t think I knew this guy until he started talking about knowing people’s fears and I was all, “OH MY GOD, AGAIN? ANOTHER FEARS… demon… Oh. It’s the same one.”

Steph: I feel better now.

Halliwell Manor. Dan is over checking up on the destroyed windows, which he thinks was caused by a drive by. He blurts out that he wants Piper to move in with him until the windows are fixed, but maybe they can make it permanent if it works out. There’s also a quick throw away line to finally fill the audience in on Jenny being shipped back to her parents. (M: I laughed a lot.) Piper doesn’t look too thrilled and gives a non-answer to the offer.

Phoebe comes home with Baby Voice and Baby Voice starts to say something witch revealing, but Piper freezes her in time. She and Phoebe chat about everything that’s been happening. Phoebe and Morris rescued Baby Voice and Morris is putting the hit woman under her name at the morgue and Prue is pretending to be Ms. Hellfire. Piper shares Prue’s new power and Phoebe feels the weight of her uselessness.

Prue and Bane arrive back at Ms. Hellfire’s apartment where there are orchids everywhere. I didn’t mention earlier that Prue told Bane she preferred orchids to roses because nothing is ever important, but of course this came up again. This gesture is extra creepy because she only told him this like 2 minutes ago. Bane tells Prue to close her eyes and she does so because everyone is stupid. When she opens them again, he’s holding a jewelry case. Was that really even necessary? (M: Basically if she would’ve just blinked it would’ve been the same effect.) He reminds her that the P’s need to be dead that night, kisses her, and leaves. Prue opens the box and there’s an ugly necklace inside.

Morgue. Barbas and Ponytail show up and Barbas kills the coroner with his worst fear: being autopsied. It’s dumb. They look at the body of the hit woman and affirm that they’ve been duped.

Halliwell Manor. Baby Voice scolds Piper and Phoebe for keeping Wolfsbane and Holy Thistle on the same shelf like the witch noobs that they are. Still leathered up Prue comes home and they discuss the hit list and realize it included 13 witches, all to be killed by midnight on Friday the 13th, so this means Barbas is back again. WHAAA… WHAT?! Guys, I have no idea who the fuck Barbas is. I’m not even going to try to make excuses. All I know is that I now have dementia thanks to this show. To be fair, I didn’t recap season 1, so there’s a good chance I played Sudoku through his first appearance… I’m making excuses.

Mari: I recapped season 1. I cannot even pretend to make excuses. 

Steph: Anyhow, Prue tries to leave to get back to Bane and Phoebe points out that she’s enjoying being a Bad Girl. Prue’s confident that she can take on Barbas because she already conquered her drowning fear. I remember that, but I still don’t remember Barbas because every villain is exactly the same. Phoebe points out that Barbas could exploit another fear, but Prue says she’ll get in contact with them after checking in with Bane.

Totally 90’s Bar. Prue enters wearing a leather bra and the most visually offensive fur coat I have ever set eyes on. She approaches Bane, who looks on all “damn, girl.” Prue tries to flirt her way into setting up a meeting with Barbas, but there are better things to do like grind and makeout on the dance floor, so they do that instead. She gets really into it, and I don’t blame her because Bane is probably looking pretty good after dealing with Jack lately.

Mari: Okay, that’s fine. Pretty much make-out with anyone but Jack, but also WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Why is Prue like, “I guess I’ll just wear leather and make-out with bad guys today!” 

Steph: Haven’t we already established that the true plot of Charmed is “MEN!”?

Ponytail shows up and pulls Bane away to talk, so Prue starts dancing with some other cheeseball who’s all HEEEY. Off the dance floor, Ponytail tells Bane that Prue is not really Ms. Hellfire ’cause the real Ms. Hellfire is a corpse in the morgue.

Back at the manor, Baby Voice is hopping around bestowing blessings of protection upon the house. Piper freezes her because she’s annoying. They fret a bit about not hearing back from Prue yet and the doorbell rings so that this pointless scene can be padded out with some more pointless characters. Piper answers the door without checking who it is first, which is a really unsafe thing to do in the real world, but even more unsafe when you’re aware that you’re on a hit list. No worries though, it’s just Dan with a massive piece of plywood for the windows. Piper and Phoebe act all weird like they always do when Dan shows up because there’s a frozen body in their living room. Piper leads him over away from frozen Baby Voice and when Baby Voice unfreezes Phoebe shoves her upstairs to continue her spell casting.

Dan asks Piper if she’s thought about moving in with him. She doesn’t give an answer again, and he says he can wait until she’s ready. They kiss and he leaves. I sort of like Dan. He’s so harmless. I think I’ve maybe just lowered my expectations for likable characters at this point.

Mari: I kind of like Dan too, but it’s totally a comparison thing. He’s the least ridiculous character, I think. 

Steph: Someplace… I don’t know where they are. (Mari’s gonna fire me from writing these.) (M: And recap alone? Someplace sounds good to me!) Bane is way pissed about Prue lying about being Ms. Hellfire. He knows she killed the woman he loves. Let’s not get carried away here. You never met her, creepo. He shoves her into Barbas the Ham. Barbas greets her as Halliwell and Bane goes “Halliwell? FROM DA LIST?” Hahahaha. That can’t be his real accent. Barbas does some hand wavey thing and see’s Prue’s fear that someone will kill her sister P’s. He tells her that demons have assumed their identities and are off to kill them right now and Prue must kill the imposters by midnight. If Barbas needs these women dead ASAP why has he come up with the most convoluted way of getting the job done? JUST KILL THEM. KILL THEM KILL THEM KILL THEM. Uuuh, I’m okay.

Manor. Detective Morris comes over to take Baby Voice off the P’s hands so that they can go search for Prue. Morris wants to come with them but Phoebe says it’s too dangerous and they don’t want him to end up like Andy. Hey, I remember who that is! Good job, me! Baby Voice comes downstairs with Piper and talks a lot about how awesome her protection spell is. She does a few extra spritzes of protection before being shoved out of the house.

Piper and Phoebe arrive at Ms. Hellfire’s apartment. Prue comes out in her itty bitty bra and magic-shoves them away. They hurry away from her while going, “crazy sister, crazy sister!” Cute. I have the give the show credit when it has a rare cute moment. So there we go. Prue follows and magics a deadly glass plate at their heads. The plate smashes on the wall behind them and they run out on to the roof patio to hide behind a trellis. Phoebe sneezes and blows their cover. Piper comes up with the brilliant plan of confusing Prue until there are two of her. Yeah. Sounds good. They both run out in opposite directions, calling out to Prue until she pops out of her body and upstairs to where Piper is. Phoebe joins Piper and now they’re in the same situation that they were in before. They try convincing her that they’re really her sisters by reminding her of all the sister stuff they’ve done together. They’ve ruined each other clothes! They’ve been to Duran Duran concerts! It seems to work. They hug and Prue goes back into her body. She’s back to normal and ready to take down Barbas.

Mari: Obligatory “what just happened?” Because what just happened? 

Steph: Barbas threatens to kill Bane if the sisters aren’t dead in time. Bane reminds him that he came to him, not the other way around. Why did he though? I mean, he comes back, hires Bane for whatever reason, and then Bane hires a hit woman. None of this makes any sense. I don’t know why I keep expecting sense-making to happen. The P’s show up and Piper freezes Barbas and Bane before Bane can use his gun. Phoebe makes a comment about seeing why Prue was into Bane, ’cause he’s all boybandy and such. They free him of his gun and Piper unfreezes him again. This is done so that Prue can slam him against a wall? I don’t know. Barbas unfreezes just as the clock strikes 12. He starts spinning and disappears into stupid flames. Bane and Prue have one more chance to flirt before they go. He says he’ll be thinking about her in jail and they smirk at each other. Gross.

Mari: Up on the roof, someone was all, “hey why don’t we just go home and wait until midnight so Barbas disappears.” Prue replied, “no. I don’t want to take the chance. We have to go finish him off.” And then they go and just wait until midnight, when Barbas disappears. LOL. WHAT? 

Steph: I DON’T KNOW.

Back at the manor, the windows are done and this gives Phoebe a chance to ask if Piper made a decision about moving in with Dan. Phoebe wants Piper’s room, but that’s too bad because Piper’s decided it’s too soon to do any moving. Remember when Prue had to raise money for work? No? Me neither. Fortunately for us, Prue comes out to remind everyone, but it’s all good because Ms. Hellfire left behind a lot of valuable stuff. Jack comes over and he’s angry that Prue stood him up for work stuff. She shuts stupid face up by telling him about the very valuable Ms. Hellfire estate she’s acquired and they go off to celebrate. Double gross.

 

Next time on Charmed: Cupid needs help from the Halliwells in S02 E10 – Heartbreak City.