Charmed S02 E10 – Stupid Cupid

Previously: Prue killed a hit woman and then went around town in her tacky coats.
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Heartbreak City

Marines: Well. Here we are again.

Stephanie: What? You’re not excited? This one’s gonna be good. I know it.

Mari:

The episode starts at some kind of office building. We notice a a Generic Charmed Man leaning against a wall as a couple greet each other and cautiously flirt. (S: They flirt about Y2K and it’s incredible.) Generic Charmed Man proclaims them a match, and I know Cupid is going to be in this episode so let’s just call him that. Cindy and Max wish each other goodnight but Cupid flashes his tacky ring at them and it seems to slow time. Cupid tells Cindy to get over her past heartbreak and tells Max to get over his ex-wife. When he flashes the tacky ring again, Max asks Cindy out for coffee and the tinkly music behind this scene is OUT OF CONTROL.

Steph: The music is SO amazing. It goes from cheesy dating sim game to  “this is some magical shit right here” twinkles.

Mari: Later, Cupid is walking along when he’s jumped in an alley by some demon named Drazi. Drazi roughs him up and then murder-punches him through the chest and is presumably squeezing his heart. If you aren’t too sure what’s going on here, Drazi is all, “SEE? I’M RIPPING YOUR HEART OUT. LITERALLY.” Drazi thinks better of his plan and instead decides to grab Cupid’s tacky ring and also grace us with his entire bad guy plan of undoing Cupid’s more recent unions. He bad-guys on that he’s going to turn love into hate and that hate is going to kill Cupid slowly. Cupid, meanwhile, is making the weirdest constipated faces. I just want this episode to be over already.

Steph: No no no. This is good. If this demon is going to be breaking people up, maybe we’ll finally be free of Leo, Dan, and Jack. 

Mari: Your optimism confuses me.

Jack, Prue, Piper, Dan and Phoebe are walking out of a theater. Phoebe calls herself the fifth wheel so we can get exposition about how her date cancelled on her. Prue is dressed like an Indian American Girl doll. I’m not joking.

Steph: And she has the nerve to comment on the bad fashion in the movie they just saw. 

Mari: Jack offers to buy everyone coffee but Phoebe wants to grab a cab home. Prue sends her off with a big hug and many reminders that she’s beautiful and awesome.

On the way out, for some reason, Phoebe decides to giver herself a long look in a nearby mirror, probably because she’s got those silly pieces of hair hanging lower than the rest of her crimped hair. Cupid shows up all sweaty and crazy looking. He grabs Phoebe, calls her by her name, says he knows why she can’t find love and begs for her help. She warns him off and Dan notices the commotion. Cupid runs off and Phoebe is shaken.

I AM THE SAHN.

There are only 2 establishing shots and it’s a Christmas miracle. Phoebe walks into her sister’s rooms the next morning and finds them both empty because men. Prue calls from Jack’s place and swears that they just talked all night and it was great. It sounds awful. (S: Why would anyone want to talk to Jack for that long!?) Nights were made for sleeping not talking, thanks so much. As they chat, Cupid sneaks up behind Phoebe and she gives him a Very Useful Kick. Prue hears the commotion, grabs her poncho, and takes off. Back at the Manor, Phoebe is demanding to know who Cupid is. He says he’s Cupid and he needs the Charmed Ones’ help.

Dan’s place. He brings Piper breakfast in bed and a gift of jewelry. Her hair has a lot of secrets in it and she’s wearing one of those   stretchy black chokers that surely could not have still been a thing in 2000… right? (S: They absolutely were. I’m certain I had at least 20 of them so that I could start Jr. High in style.)

Piper thanks Dan for her gift with kisses and just behind them, Phoebe lets herself into the room. Piper notices her and freezes time. Phoebe pulls Cupid in and quickly explains about the missing tacky ring. Phoebe tells Piper to kiss fast and sees herself out. Piper unfreezes time and tells Dan she has to go, but she’ll see him at the club that night. Ha ha ha, THE CLUB. I thought maybe that left town with Jenny.

Drazi is drinking coffee and watching Max and Cindy.

At the Manor, Prue is doing her disbelieving thing and Cupid is all, “really guys? Really?” because that’s what I’m saying! The witches need to stop with the disbelief. Anyway, to prove himself, Cupid names some of the P’s past loves. Phoebe list is way long because ha ha ha ha. So funny. Phoebe clarifies that she didn’t love all those men and Cupid says they were trying to love her, but then bailed because of her “closed heart.”

This scene won’t end: Cupid is an agent and there are lots of Cupids around the world. He connected Dan and Piper and Jack and Prue (UGH, WHY?) (S: I clapped with glee over this because maybe they really will all break up.) but their past loves were the work of other Cupids. And Piper and Leo fell in love all by themselves. Phoebe wants to talk more about her closed heart but Cupid reminds them that they have to defeat Drazi. Cupid says he has a cosmic connection to Drazi because there is a thin line between love and hate.

Cupid warns the P’s that Drazi is super dangerous because he could destroy the ability to love, which is a fate worse than death.

Market. Max is buying Cindy flowers and everything is beautiful until Drazi shows up, that dick. He slows time and whispers to Cindy that Max is still sleeping with his ex-wife. He whispers to Max that Cindy is a gold-digger. When time speeds up again, they yell at each other and insta-break-up. Max storms into the street and throws his body on a car. I mean, “gets hit by a car.” Meanwhile, at the Manor, Cupid grabs his chest and makes more ugly faces.

Steph: I laughed really, really hard. Do you think Drazi will break up Prue and Jack and then Jack will get hit with a car too? Fingers crossed! #JackDeathWatch

Mari: Meanwhile, I wonder, will Drazi really be able to destroy love if there are lots of Cupid agents? Are all the Cupid agents making ugly faces right now? Why do the writers keep doing this to us? Who thought this was a good idea? Is there enough liquor in the Snark HQ cabinet to make this a good show?

Steph: Nope. I already drank it all. Still sucks.

Mari: The P’s check on Cupid and ask what’s wrong. “It’s Drazi,” he croaks. “He’s killing love.”

Market. Cindy is really happy Max got hit by that car. The P’s and Cupid arrive, and he can sense Drazi is still there. Drazi spots them and starts running because apparently he knows who the P’s are. The girls take after him, but they are afraid they are going to lose him. Piper can’t freeze him because he’s too far away and in the commotion, Prue falls down as she astral projects, cutting Drazi off. She tries to use her telekinesis, but it doesn’t work. But apparently she’s corporeal enough to grab some conveniently placed wood and hit Drazi with it.

Prue comes back into her body and then everyone stands around talking about her astral projection for a couple of minutes, with absolutely no sense of urgency. Prue finally sends them all ahead to go get Drazi and she straggles.

  Piper freezes Drazi and somehow this doesn’t freeze Cupid, unless we are being led to believe that Piper can now freeze individuals. Phoebe throws the potion at him and when Drazi unfreezes he melts into a big puddle of black goop. Everyone is just kind of, “did that work? IDK LOL!” Cupid says his ring shouldn’t have been damaged by the potion but that doesn’t seem alarming at all, and the witches will just have to cook up another potion to send him home. It has to be Phoebe, too, because her closed heart means she’s the only one without a date that night.

Steph: Ummm. Why didn’t they take the ring from Drazi while he was frozen BEFORE throwing the potion on him. Why do we keep asking “why” questions when the writers clearly didn’t think it was important to do so themselves? 

Mari: It is our curse, friend.

Once they are gone, Drazi reforms out of the goo because he had the tacky love ring on and “you can’t kill love.” Seriously.

P^3. Dan and Piper and Jack and Prue are on a double date. No one cares.

Steph: I do! LOL, JK. 

Mari: Manor. Cupid explains that Drazi fell in love with a mortal. Cupid redirected her love toward a mortal man and Drazi is holding a grudge. Phoebe asks if a demon can love and future events make me go, “UGGH STOP IT.” (S: We’re so going to hate that guy.) Cupid laughs some at Phoebe for being alone and she starts yapping again about how she definitely does not have a closed heart. Phoebe is beating at the potion mixture and Cupid is all, “let me sexily help you with that,” and stands behind her to “help her stir.” Or whatever. The Sexy Times Strings start up as Cupid explains that the potion they are making is a travel potion with an aphrodisiac kicker. For when you… need to be horny on the go?

Steph: EROTIC POTION MAKING. WHAT IS THIS SHOW.

Mari: Phoebe starts snuggling up against Cupid as he asks about her closed heart again and she says at least she hasn’t lost anyone like she lost her mom and dad and now Cupid, who has suddenly made it to the same level of mom and dad. Cupid asks if she’s falling for him and she breaks out of his hold because that’s crazy talk. Cupid says something stupid about love being the message and that sometimes people you love are the messengers and sometimes they die.

P^3. The double date goes on until Prue says she needs to pee and Piper accompanies her. In line, the chat about how they are fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight. Wait, scratch that. Reverse it. They sigh about never having normal lives, but trying and finding love and etc.

Meanwhile, Dan is asking Jack questions about whether Prue disappears all the time. Dan also gets the sense that he loses time. Jack is basically like, “don’t ask about it, go with it.” Phoebe shows up with Cupid in tow and and Dan and Jack kind of recognize him, but there is no time for that. Phoebe pulls him away and Dan’s all, “and another thing!” because strange dudes are always popping up around the Manor.

Drazi shows up at the club just as Dan is admitting that he’s falling in love and the tacky love ring glows nefariously.

Steph: My dreams! They’re happening!

Mari: Cupid and Phoebe find Piper and Prue. They’ve got the horny travel potion and are ready to say the things, but first, Piper and Prue want to check in with their dates. They go out there and have a seat and Drazi gets to work, slowing time so he can whisper to Dan that Piper is still in love with Leo. He tells Jack that he’s Prue’s rebound guy. We cut to Cupid so he can make more ugly pained faces. He’s shocked that Drazi is alive. Phoebe wonders why he didn’t feel Drazi and his answer is, “because I thought he was dead.” LOL. What? That makes no sense.

Drazi is done with his thing and time normalizes. Dan and Piper fight over her still loving Leo and they break-up. Prue and Jack also break-up. (S: But Jack doesn’t get hit by anything so this episode was a waste of time.) (M: And no one was surprised.) Phoebe tries to talk to them but everyone snaps at her too. Cupid says it’s no use trying to get through to them because they are under Drazi’s spell. Phoebe mentions the spell very loudly as well, as a bunch of by-stander appear to be just watching them. Whatever. Piper kicks Cupid and Phoebe out of her club.

Cupid guesses that Drazi didn’t die because of the tacky love ring. Phoebe thinks things are hopeless, but Cupid suddenly comes up with a last act solution: they can mend the relationships Drazi broke and it will kill him. Phoebe points out that he doesn’t have his ring and he’s all, “you’ll be my ring. Because you have a big heart.” Whatever the hell that means. Stupid show.

Steph: Just make stuff up as you go. That’s how you write a supernatural fantasy show, apparently.

Mari: Whenever we finish recapping for free, we”ll have a back-up career.

At the manor, Prue and Piper are complaining about their men. They kind of admit that the complaints Dan and Jack had were valid and that also it was weird that they exploded at each other from one moment to the next. Prue suggests that maybe Drazi… BUT NO. Piper says it cannot be because they vanquished him.

    Nondescript Office. Cupid points out Cindy and tells Phoebe to just talk to her. They call out to Cindy and for the next few minutes we get an extended speech about how Phoebe knows all about shutting yourself off to love because of fear and Cindy can’t let that happen! She needs to go to Max now! Cindy cries and doesn’t push the creepy people away. She leaves to go see about her man. (S: She also says that she loves him, which is weird because they definitely just met two days ago.) Cupid congratulates Phoebe on a job well done. She says they have to go put back Piper and Prue’s loves and Cupid remind her that Drazi is going to come looking for them. Phoebe thought that was the plan and it is, but Cupid wants to make sure she knows what she’s getting herself into.

Someplace. Drazi is lurking, menancingly.

Steph: I like that he rubs his hands together the way only the most wicked people do. 

Mari: Hospital. Cindy visits Max and they reconcile.

Someplace. Drazi falls in pain and curses Cupid, threatening to kill him.

Manor. Dan and Jack show up all pissed off, but apparently not so pissed that they wouldn’t answer a “come to my house” page (lol, pagers) from the girls. Phoebe comes in and admits she sent the page. She orders everyone to the couch and everyone is crotchety, but they eventually go. Phoebe and Cupid administer couples’ therapy and I’d recap it, but I like you guys.

Steph: Basically Phoebe undoes all the good work that Drazi did this episode. Can’t they see that he’s trying to help them? 

Mari: It only lasted two scenes, but it was nice Drazi.

Eventually, it looks like everyone is all reconciled, so Phoebe sends Jack and Dan out to the corner market AKA scram, so we can talk. The boys go off with a sigh.

Once they are gone (or that magical 10 feet away where suddenly, no one can hear anything…) Phoebe explains that Drazi is alive and coming for them, so they should open their hearts to love. Prue protests because she doesn’t love Jack (I mean, have you seen those frosted tips?)(S: And heard him talk?), but Cupid says she likes him a lot, which opens her up to love. Drazi appears then and murder punches Cupid. Apparently his plan was to walk into the witches’ house and hope they leave him alone while he heart-strangles Cupid. GOOD ONE, DRAZI.

Piper freezes time and Phoebe says they are going to try the potion again. She runs over and puts the tacky love ring on Cupid’s finger instead, hoping it will protect him. Prue asks if she’s sure that will work. Phoebe isn’t, but she’s going to try it anyway BECAUSE LOVE IS A RISK.

And I mean, she just throws the potion on Drazi so it isn’t that big of a risk. Time unfreezes and Drazi melts into black goo and even the goo disappears. Cupid says he’s definitely gone this time, because he’s never felt better. But now he’s got to go. He tells Phoebe not to mourn him because they’ve know each other for a few hours. No, he didn’t say that last part. I did. He kisses Phoebe goodbye and TINKLES out.

Steph: Appropriate because that guy looks like Leo. They even have similar gentle voices that make me want to vomit. 

Mari: Outro: It’s group date time again and this time Phoebe has a date! I know you all were wondering, practically on the edge of your seat wondering, if Phoebe would open her heart and land a date. SHE DID. The flirt over parking and a movie, I guess, and finally this episode is over.

Hopefully I can stop rolling my eyes now.

 

Next time on Charmed: Phoebe gets a premonition from an abandoned baby in S02 E11 – Reckless Abandon.