Previously: The Doctor hung out with Satan, and Rose straight up murdered a guy. Although he was possessed by Satan at the time, so I guess it was okay.
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Love and Monsters
Kirsti: We open on a guy with terrible bleached blond hair running through a quarry or gravel yard or some shit. IDK. He ends up by an industrial looking building, and stops when he sees the TARDIS. He walks slowly towards it, and music gets all floaty vocals and spookiness. He touches the TARDIS, then Rose yells out for the Doctor from somewhere off screen. Bad Hair Guy runs towards it. He ends up in a factory. Rose and the Doctor, both still off screen, yell at each other about where “he” has gone. Bad Hair Guy finds himself in a corridor with lots of doorways off it. There’s a pig-like grunting noise from somewhere, and he cautiously walks down the corridor. He pulls open a door and finds himself face to face with a giant spitty alien.
Cut to Bad Hair Guy’s flat. White lines on the screen let us know that he’s sitting in front of a video camera. “And that’s what it did. It went ‘RAAAAAAAAAAH’!” he says, waving his hands around. “And if you think that was the most exciting day of my life, wait ’til you hear the rest. Oh boy…” he finishes.
DOO WEE OOO!
After the credits, Bad Hair Guy starts up his story again, then we cut back to him coming face to face with the alien. It steps towards him, then the Doctor appears behind it waving a pork chop. He talks to it like it’s a dog and yells at Bad Hair Guy to run. Just then, Rose rushes in and throws a blue bucket of steaming something at the alien. The Doctor eyerolls and says she’s just made it worse because he said NOT blue. They bicker, and the alien gets pissy and chases them. A ridiculous chase scene follows and Bad Hair Guy watches in confusion.
K: TRUE.
Finally, the Doctor stops, and looks into the camera with confusion. “Hold on. Don’t I know you?” he says. Bad Hair Guy bolts and the TARDIS vworp vworps away as he catches his breath.
Vlog Central. BHG informs us that this wouldn’t be the first or last time he met the Doctor. He just put that bit at the beginning because it was cool. He informs us that this is the story of his encounters with aliens, and that it might get scary sometimes. Then he assures us that it won’t just be him talking to a camera.
With that, we cut to him outside. He informs us that his friend Ursula is filming, and then points at a house and tells us that it was his family home, and that’s where he first met the Doctor. We’re thrown into a flashback as he voiceovers that he was about 3, crept downstairs in the middle of the night, and found a man standing in the living room. It’s the Doctor. Ursula asks why he was there, and BHG says sadly that he still doesn’t know.
Vlog Central. BHG informs us that his name is Elton, and he had a totally normal life until everything suddenly went crazy. We’re thrown to a flashback of him shopping and being attacked by living shop mannequins. He tells us that he survived, and everything went back to normal. Then, a year later, he heard a plane overhead and it turned out to be an alien spaceship that smashed through Big Ben. Then on Christmas Day, there was an explosion and he looked out the window to see a spaceship hovering over London. Hello, recycled footage from past episodes. Nice of you to join us! (M: And the budget people do a little fist pump.)
Elton says that’s how he met Ursula. I’m sad that I’ve already called her Ursula, because she’s freaking Moaning Myrtle.
M: OOOOH. OH, GOODNESS. I knew I knew her but I’m not sure why I didn’t place it exactly. Yeah, Moaning Myrtle.
K: I mean, I also know her as Jude from Bridget Jones’ Diary. But MOANING MYRTLE.
Meeting Ursula led him to meet a fat man with a bad beard named Victor, which led him to meet Jackie Tyler, which led him to meeting the Doctor and realising the truth. Then he randomly informs us that he has other interests besides aliens. Like soccer, drinking, and the Electric Light Orchestra. We’re treated to a weird scene of him having a solo dance party to Mr. Blue Sky.
Dance party over, he informs us that after the Christmas Invasion, he started digging. And he found Ursula’s blog, which looks like it was created by a 12 year old on LiveJournal but which also features a picture of the Doctor. Elton’s blown away by the fact that the Doctor looks exactly the same as he did when Elton was a kid.
He meets with Ursula, who tells him that the dude with the great hair is called the Doctor. She took the photo of him in passing in Trafalgar Square on Christmas night, and didn’t realise he was significant until Mr Skinner told her. Elton asks who Mr Skinner is, and Ursula looks smug. GODDAMMIT, I WANT TO CALL HER MOANING MYRTLE. (M: You are only stopping yourself.) She says there are more of them, an inner sanctum of people looking for information on the Doctor. Elton’s thrilled he’s found someone who finally believes him. He voiceovers that he and Ursula had a ton in common and she lived practically round the corner. “Poor Ursula…” he finishes. We’re treated to a shot of her screaming. Damned basilisks. (M: A+)
Vlog Central. Elton tells us that he joined the inner sanctum of people, all of whom had stories about the Doctor. There was Mr Skinner (we get a shot of him saying that he thinks the Doctor is an archetype) and Bridget (who says his face changes, but the police box remains the same) and Bliss (who makes weird sculptures and claims they represent the Doctor and his importance to them). Cut to another meeting. Ursula suggests they need a name. Elton suggests “London Investigation ‘N’ Detective Agency“, or LINDA for short. It’s totally terrible but everyone inexplicably agrees. (M: It’s the ‘n’ that sells me.)
Elton voiceovers that they’d meet up every week and talk about the Doctor for a while. But then it became more like a group of friends hanging out. Bridget would cook, Mr Skinner would do a reading from the novel he was writing, and they got to know each other. Bridget says she found out about the Doctor when her daughter disappeared. But it wasn’t aliens, her daughter was just a drug addict. She breaks down and Ursula hugs her. Oof.
Bliss plays the guitar and sings a terrible song. Then Ursula joins in on tambourine. Then Bridget says she can play the piano, and somehow Elton persuades them all to become an Electric Light Orchestra cover band??? IDEK what’s happening right now, you guys. They’re part way through a terrible iteration of Don’t Bring Me Down when the lights go out. The lift descends into the basement, and a man in a fedora steps out. Elton voiceovers that this is when it all changed, “because that’s when he arrived“. The lights come back on, and we see that “he” is a chubby dude with a terrible goatee carrying a pimp stick. He looks kind of like a guy I went to school with in England who’s now a Shakespeare impersonator in Stratford. Yup. True story.
Mari: He’s actually a popular British comedian…? He probably saves his Shakespeare impersonations for the weekends.
K: Aaaaaaaanywho, Pimp Stick makes sarcastic finger quotes about the name LINDA. Mr Skinner goes to shake his hand, but Pimp Stick says he has a chronic skin condition that means he blisters if anyone touches him. He tells them all to back away, and Elton’s all “Hey, so who the fuck are you?”. Pimp Stick smirks and replies “I am your salvation“. Okay, dude. Calm down. He shows them a video of Rose and the Doctor walking into the TARDIS, and tells them that they’ve forgotten their purpose in amongst all the Electric Light Orchestra cover songs. (M: Those must get super distracting.)
The video ends with the TARDIS vworp vworping away, and they all look awestruck. Elton sinks into a chair, and Pimp Stick demands to know where he’s heard that noise before. Elton says he’d forgotten, but it was when he was a kid. The sound of the TARDIS woke him up, and that’s why he went downstairs in the first place.
Pimp Stick issues them all with homework, and says “Using the Torchwood files, we’re able to look at all the old databases in a completely new light. We’re able to build up a more detailed profile of the Doctor.” TORCHWOOD SHOTS! He dismisses them all like a drill sergeant, and they scurry away. Some music very much like the start of The X-Files theme starts up as Pimp Stick tells Bliss to stay behind. As the others leave the building, there’s a scream from Bliss. No one seems to hear it.
Mari: And that’s why you shouldn’t play the music from your awful cover band too loudly.
K: Snark Squad advice saves lives, yo.
Vlog Central. Elton says that suddenly, they were all working for Pimp Stick. Their headquarters basically gets turned into a school room, with each of the group sitting at a desk going through files. Elton asks if Pimp Stick knows where Bliss is, and Pimp Stick replies that she left a message to say she’s getting married. Just then, Mr Skinner jumps up to say he’s found a report from earlier that day of a police box appearing. Pimp Stick yells at them all to go investigate.
Elton tells us that’s the bit from the beginning of the episode, and we’re treated to the highlights of it on fast forward. You know, in case we’d forgotten in the last 15 minutes. Back in the basement, Pimp Stick yells at Elton for being an idiot and letting the Doctor get away. He threatens to hit Elton with his pimp stick, and Ursula shrieks “Use that cane on him and you’ll get one hell of a smack off me! And then a good kick.” It’s pretty fabulous, and very Moaning Myrtle.
Pimp Stick backs off, and Ursula gives Elton a little smile. Pimp Stick announces that they need to try a different approach – finding the Doctor by finding “her”. He flashes a bunch of photos of Rose up on the screen, saying that the Torchwood files on her have been corrupted by the Bad Wolf virus. LOL, subtle. He orders them all to hit the streets and find out who she is. Elton voiceovers about what an impossible task it seemed, but he shows Rose’s photo to an old lady, who replies “Oh, that’s Rose Tyler!” Old Lady also fills him in on Jackie and the fact that the Tylers are kind of odd.
Elton has another Mr Blue Sky solo dance party. He tracks Jackie down outside a laundromat. When she heads inside, he pulls off his overshirt and follows. He voiceovers about how Pimp Stick taught them all about espionage and surveillance and how to make contact with targets. He rattles off the necessary steps, but Jackie’s the one going through them. She finishes up by saying that her washing machine is broken, and asking him to look at it.
Up at Jackie’s place, Elton fixes the washing machine for her. Jackie rambles about how Mickey used to fix things for her, and now he’s gone. I have momentary feels. Jackie makes tea as Elton stares around the living room at photos of Rose. Jackie says Rose has gone travelling, but she phones home from time to time. She gets flirty and Elton looks awkward.
Back in the basement, Pimp Stick is thrilled with Elton’s progress. He tells them all to come up with a full plan of attack by next week, and yells at Elton to doing anything to get the information from Jackie. Ew. As they leave, Pimp Stick asks Bridget to stay behind. As the others walk down the street, Ursula grills Mr Skinner on the new love vibes that he and Bridget were giving off. From the basement, Bridget screams.
That throws us into a montage of Elton fixing things for Jackie, and Jackie staring at his bum. When he finishes the last of the jobs, Jackie’s wearing a miniskirt and hands him a glass of wine. Elton awkwards, and Jackie backs him into a corner. Literally. Then she spills wine on his shirt and insists that he take it off so she can wash it. When he insists that it’s fine, she tips the rest of her wine on him. Good Lord, how is this children’s television??
Mari: Wait for the alien later. You’ll remember.
K: Of course.
Elton heads to the bathroom and strips off his shirt. He realises that sex is the ultimate way to get information about Rose, and heads back into the living room shirtless. Jackie’s on the phone to Rose, and says she’ll see her soon. Then she looks at Elton and says she was just being stupid. Elton asks if Rose is okay, and Jackie says it’s hard for her to be left behind, knowing how far away Rose is. She tears up, and tells him to get dressed and leave. Elton announces that it’s hella rude of Rose to leave Jackie behind all the time, and says that he’s going to go get them a pizza to cheer Jackie up, and that they should just hang out as friends. Jackie agrees.
As he returns with the pizzas, Elton voiceovers that things suddenly fell into place and he realised that the reason he didn’t want to boink Jackie is because he wanted to boink someone else. We get another solo dance party and a montage of him and Ursula. He gets back to the Powell Estate to find Jackie waiting for him outside. She says that she went to slip a tenner in his pocket for the pizzas (Um. In what world do two pizzas cost a tenner in London??) and found the photo of Rose.
He says he can explain and that he’s looking for the Doctor. Jackie snaps that being left behind is hard, and it makes you a hard person. But she’ll never let Rose down, and she’ll protect Rose and the Doctor until the day she dies.
In the basement, Pimp Stick yells at Elton for breaking cover. Elton yells that he has zero fucks to give because using Jackie was wrong, and everything’s been shit since Pimp Stick turned up. He says it’s no wonder Bliss and Bridget stopped turning up, because it’s not fun any more. He yells that they’re all leaving, and then awkwardly asks Ursula out. She agrees, and they smile at each other. Pimp Stick gets desperate, and says that if they leave, Elton will never know why the Doctor was in his house. Elton says he doesn’t care. They head to the lift.
The X-Files-y music starts up again and Pimp Stick calls out to Mr Skinner to stay, claiming that he has contact numbers for Bridget. Mr Skinner agrees. As Elton and Ursula walk down the street holding hands, Mr Skinner screams in the basement. Suddenly, Ursula realises that she left her phone behind. They head back to the basement. When they get there, Pimp Stick is hiding behind a newspaper. They ask where Mr Skinner is, and Pimp Stick insists he’s gone to the toilet. But there’s a muffled “help me” in Mr Skinner’s voice.
“Look at your hands…” Ursula says. The zoomy cameraman zooms in on Pimp Stick’s claw-like hands. He lowers the newspaper and reveals that he’s an alien. Kind of like the love child of a Slitheen and Fat Bastard from Austin Powers, really. Mr Skinner’s face is sticking out of his stomach. Mr Skinner asks where he is, and Ursula’s disgusted. Pimp Stick laughs that he absorbed him. Bridget calls out from somewhere on Pimp Stick’s back, and Mr Skinner assures her that he’s nearby. Ursula tears up. Elton asks where Bliss is, and there’s a muffled noise. Pimp Stick rolls onto one butt cheek and Bliss says “You really don’t want to know!“.
Mari: I really, really didn’t want to know.
K: Nope.
Elton comes up with all kinds of ridiculous absorb-themed names for Pimp Stick, who decides that Abzorbaloff is the best one. Ursula orders him to let the others go. Pimp Stick’s all “LOL NOPE” and gushes about how much he’s looking forward to absorbing the Doctor, even if it means going through Jackie Tyler. Ursula snaps and threatens him with the pimp stick. Pimp Stick makes sad puppy noises and claims to be harmless, and she drops her guard. Girl. He absorbed your friends. Hit the fucker over the head. (M: Repeatedly.) When she drops her guard, Pimp Stick grabs her, and Ursula’s absorbed.
Elton screams and Pimp Stick laughs.
Mari: This whole thing goes on weirdly forever. Ursula has plenty of last words and we get reaction shots and… ugh, basically, die faster Moaning Myrtle.
K: Seriously. You’re more fun as a ghost anyway.
Ursula’s face appears in the middle of Pimp Stick’s chest. Elton begs for him to release her, but Pimp Stick chuckles that the process can’t be reversed. Ursula announces that she can suddenly read Pimp Stick’s thoughts and that Elton’s next.
Mari: Girl, you didn’t need to be able to read the absorbing monster’s thoughts to reach that conclusion.
K: No kidding.
She screams at him to run. The others tell him the same. He sprints away, and Pimp Stick gives chase.
Elton ends up in a dead end, and sinks to his knees. Pimp Stick chuckles about how easily he’s giving up, and Elton says there’s no point running because everything he ever wanted has been absorbed. Pimp Stick closes in, but just as he’s about to touch Elton, the TARDIS vworp vworps its way into the alley.
The Doctor walks out and says “Someone wants a word with you…” to Elton. Rose storms out and yells at him for upsetting Jackie. Elton’s shocked that she’d yell at him when there’s an alien right there.
Pimp Stick drools over the thought of absorbing the Doctor, and Rose whispers that Pimp Stick looks a bit Slitheen. The Doctor agrees, and asks if he’s from Raxacoricofallapatorius. Pimp Stick’s all “EW, NO” and announces that he’s from its twin planet: Clom. The way David Tennant says “Clom” amuses me greatly. You can see him annunciating every single letter. It’s a lot like how Rowan Atkinson says “Bob” in Blackadder.
Pimp Stick says he’ll return to Clom victorious once he’s absorbed the Doctor. The Doctor’s all “LOL, NOPE”, and Pimp Stick threatens to kill Elton. He knows the Doctor won’t let an innocent die. The Doctor calls his bluff and tells him to get on with it. Pimp Stick leans towards Elton, and the Doctor says “Mind you, the others might have something to say…” Ursula announces that the Doctor’s right, and tells the others to pull. In actual fact, they push their faces outwards as Pimp Stick screams. He drops his pimp stick and Ursula tells Elton to break it. He does, and Pimp Stick collapses into liquid.
Ursula shoves her face out of a paving stone to bid Elton goodbye, and a single tear rolls down his cheek. Rose looks feelsy as the tinkly piano tinkles. She walks over and hugs Elton as he cries.
Vlog Central. Elton informs us that the Doctor had more to tell him. The Doctor tells Elton why he was really there when Elton was a kid – there was a living shadow loose in Elton’s house. The Doctor stopped it, but he was too late to save Elton’s mother. Elton has a flashback of his mother, then cries some more. The screen fades to white and Elton says “We forget because we must“.
Elton’s camera switches to a new angle as he wraps things up. He says that he’s had terrible things and wonderful things happen to him, and sometimes they were the same thing. He misses the group of friends that he had, and how they’re all dead now. “It’s not his fault, but maybe that’s what happens if you touch the Doctor. Even for a second. I keep thinking of Rose and Jackie. And how much longer before they pay the price.” Oof. (M: Big time.)
From off camera, Ursula’s voice says that he still has her. Elton informs us that the Doctor was able to use his sonic screwdriver to separate Ursula from the Pimp Stick gloop. She’s now a face in a paving stone. And he informs us that they have “a bit of a love life“. Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth. (M: Big time.) Elton says he loves her. He zooms in on himself, and says the world is so much stranger and darker than they tell you when you’re a kid. But it’s also so much better. Fade to black.
I…have mixed feelings about this episode. It was designed so that they could shoot two episodes simultaneously, which is why Tennant and Piper aren’t in it much. And I really like the idea of having an episode from the perspective of an everyday person whose life has been touched by the Doctor in some way. Wikipedia informs me that Russell T. Davies was inspired by the Buffy episode, The Zeppo, and it really does have a similar feel.
So from that perspective, I enjoyed it. BUT. This is pretty gross a lot of times, and the monster is crap. It was designed by a 9 year old boy as part of a Blue Peter competition, but based on the kid’s original drawing (it’s on Wikipedia) and the fact that the kid said after the episode aired that he wanted the Abzorbaloff to be the size of a double decker bus, they really didn’t do particularly well at making it scary.
So yeah. There’s good stuff in here. But there’s also some really dumb stuff that’s kind of squick-tastic.
Mari: Agreed. I really did like that we got the whole episode from Elton’s perspective. It felt very fan service-y to basically have the story be about a group of Doctor Who fans. I’m not sure what the commentary is that they all end up dead, but the other stuff was good. The best part for me was everything with Jackie. I just had so many Jackie feels because of how lonely and desperate she seemed. But then at the end? When she says she won’t let Rose down? Lots of feelings. Because even despite what she’s said about the Doctor and even though since the beginning she’s been worried about what the Doctor will mean for Rose, she defends him too. It’s brilliant characterization and a really nice moment.
Unfortunately, everything with the Abzorbaloff was MEH and the bit at the end with the concrete/face was just TOO WEIRD. I don’t even have words for the squick. It balances out to not-a-great-episode.
Next time: It’s the 2012 Olympics and people are disappearing all over London in Doctor Who S02 E11 – Fear Her.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
