Dawson’s Creek S03 E14 – Jen the Vampire Slayer

Previously: Even an episode where Pacey is the lead in the school play and has lots of emotions #needsmorePacey.
—

Valentine’s Day Massacre

Democracy Diva: We open with Dawson trying to teach Joey how to drive stick. She gives up, because Dawson’s condescending lessons are spectacularly unsuccessful, and Pacey pops his head up from the back of the truck to complain. Joey tells Dawson that he’s no Lloyd Dobler (obviously, because Lloyd Dobler is the cutest and Dawson is the worst), who was very patient when teaching Ione Skye how to drive in Say Anything. Dawson says Joey just isn’t listening to him.

Kirsti: Which is totally fair because Dawson’s a dick and his instructions are terrible.

Diva: YUP.

Pacey asks if Joey is seeing her college boy tonight for Valentine’s Day, but he’s too busy with exams. Pacey calls BS on anyone who’d rather study than take out Joey, but the boys agree to go to an anti-Valentine’s Day party together. It’s hosted by Matt Caulfield, who we’ve definitely never heard of before, but is apparently the king of throwing debaucherous parties that aren’t really this gang’s scene. Joey says, thanks but no thanks, I’ll just “make it a Blockbuster night.”

Traumateers under the age of 24: You see, Blockbuster was this magical place that was like Netflix, but you had to actually physically go there and pick out your movie and usually whatever you wanted most had already been rented! Also, you watched movies on these contraptions called video tapes…

K: A+ description. My little brother and I used to walk to our local video store (a cheap shitty non-Blockbuster where overnight rentals were $2.50 and everything else was $2.) and borrow like three movies at a time. As a result of that whole “other people already rented it” thing, we watched a LOT of really awful movies as teenagers. Like, straight to video releases. Good choices, past me. Good choices.

Diva: My family still has inside jokes about our Blockbuster rentals, because literally once every other month my dad would forget that he’s seen Primary Colors and rent it and be all, “let’s watch this movie we’ve never seen before!” So I watched that movie “for the first time” about a dozen times in 1999-2000 and still don’t remember anything about it. Apparently it’s a really forgettable movie. </tangent>

HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH.

Capeside High. Dawson and Pacey talk about how cool Matt Caulfield is for sleeping with six cheerleaders in one weekend, which sounds like a recipe for HPV if I’ve ever heard one. Dawson gets all nervous about the big party, but Pacey is his partying Yoda. Or Han Solo, because that’s sexier. Jack (or, “my Chewbacca,” as Pacey adorably calls him) arrives to tell them that the party’s location is confidential, so as to better hide from the cops. But Jack, football player/cool kid extraordinaire, knows the secret password. Which is “I know kung fu.”

High school boys are the worst.

K: Yes, but I fucking adore that third gif because Jack is basically the cutest thing ever. Also, if Pacey’s Han Solo and Jack’s Chewie, does that make Dawson Luke Skywalker and Joey Princess Leia? Because that’s actually kind of perfect…

Diva: Jack is hilariously and adorably goofy in that gif. And Dawson and Joey’s relationship gives me incest-levels of squick, so, that works perfectly!

Henry is at a clinic trying to sell his plasma for the second time in 72 hours. This is a real thing, I guess. He’s taking out his dream girl (Jen) to her favorite restaurant and needs the nurse to bend the rules so he can donate more plasma and get the money he needs. She refuses, and he creepily tells her that a guy somewhere out there is willing to sell HIS blood for her (ew), but maybe he can’t get to her because a nice nurse is being unhelpful just trying to not get fired. She gives in and warns him to get some rest before the date. Subtle foreshadowing, show!

K: This whole thing warrants a massive “DUDE, NO”. If you can’t afford to take someone on a date without selling your blood to do so, just USE YOUR WORDS AND TELL THEM THAT.

Diva: Cosign. This is the DUDE, NOiest of DUDE, NO scenes.

Pacey greets his brother Doug, who is in his cop car being a douchebag because that’s all he’s done on this show so far. Doug is listening to diva music, and Pacey is all, GAY JOKES ARE COMING. (Like winter, but less cold and vaguely offensive.) Pacey begs to go on a ride-along with him, but Doug has to stake out the golf course tonight, rumored site of a big blow-out bash. Our brilliant, brilliant Pacey pretends he’s heard nothing of the golf course party, but is sure there’s a rager happening on Witch Island. And since there’s only one police officer in this town and his name is Doug, I guess Matt Caulfield’s party will rage on while Capeside’s finest stake out a bunch of ghosts.

Andie is on the phone, begging someone named Kate to come visit. Jack enters to be PISSED, because Kate is Jack’s ex-girlfriend from Rhode Island. Andie says Kate just broke up with her boyfriend and needs some company on V-Day. And now Jack is going to have to tell her that he’s gay. Um, Andie, maybe Kate really does not want to hear this news on Valentine’s Day when she’s recently single. This is a terrible plan.

K: Especially in 1998, when being openly gay in high school was like, A BIG FUCKING DEAL. 

Diva: Yes, and Kate doesn’t have Tumblr to help her understand how to process this in an LGBT-friendly way!

Jen is getting wardrobe help from Grams for her big date. Jen insists it’s not a big deal, but Grams is like, of course it’s a big deal, because St. Valentine died so that you and Henry could go on this date! Jen is jaded, Grams is hopeful and encouraging, and Jen is still insisting that she’s not nervous, but she’s stuttering and rambling. Maybe she knows Henry is currently SELLING HIS BLOOD FOR HER, and she’s suitably terrified.

Andie, Jack, and Kate are in the car, where things are awkward. Kate asks if there’s anyone special in Jack’s life right now. As Jack starts to stammer out a serious response, Kate starts to cry, because he’s using the same words her boyfriend used when he broke up with her. Because he was gay. Oooof, Kate, I completely and totally feel your pain. (K: I’m pretty sure I spent my teen years crushing on more gay guys than straight guys, so…yeah.) (D: STORY OF MY LIFE.) Andie just gets wide-eyed, and Jack looks like he might die in this car.

Pacey and Dawson on the golf course. The McPhees arrive and introduce the boys to Kate. She refers to Jack as Jackers, which Pacey adores as much as I do. She tells the boys explicitly that she’s recently split from her gay boyfriend and she has #feels about it. I kind of love how awkwardly earnest she is – it makes sense to me that she and Andie would have been close friends. Pacey and Dawson take a MOMENT to discuss this development. Pacey reads Kate’s confession as less #hagproblems and more #iwantcasualmakeoutsessions, so he tries to convince Dawson to make it happen with Kate.

Immediately after Pacey decides that a girl in need of a fling should be flung with Dawson (rather than himself), Joey arrives, and she and Pacey do their mean-cute banter thing. They establish themselves as the angel and devil on Dawson’s shoulder, while Kate gives Andie a look like, who the fuck are these people, and I continue to fall in love with Kate.

Also, it should be noted that the thing on Joey’s head is 50% hat, 50% bonnet, and 100% hideous.

K: Mostly it reminds me of my grandfather. My grandparents had a beach house on the Mornington Peninsula, which will mean precisely nothing to you if you aren’t from Melbourne. But whenever he pottered around the garden or mowed the lawn or whatever at the beach house, he did so in a blue terry towelling bucket hat that looked almost exactly like that.

Diva: My grandparents had a bungalow in the Catskills, which will mean precisely nothing to you if you aren’t a Jewish New Yorker of the mid-to-late 20th century. It was just old people baking cookies and playing gin rummy and listening to septuagenarian Borscht Belt comedians. But in my head, it’s what Mornington Peninsula looks like, except your thing has a beach. And funnier hats.

Meanwhile, Henry arrives at Jen’s door, looking like a straight-up vampire. Jen notices that he seems recently undead, and he gives her a rose which immediately stabs her with thorns. She’s bleeding, and I’m half expecting Henry to suck her blood right now. (K: YUP. Also, now I have a new headcanon in which Jen’s a slayer and it’s glorious.) (D: HEADCANON ABSOLUTELY ACCEPTED.)

Golf Course. Joey and Pacey share a golf cart and talk about Kate and Dawson. She clarifies that she’s not jealous, just worried about how lost he is. Pacey agrees, which is why Dawson needs to actually do something, like get drunk and kiss a girl.

Jack and Andie share the next golf cart, where he insists he can’t tell Kate that he’s gay now. Behind them, Kate asks Dawson if there’s something wrong with her, or if she’s a filthy eyesore. It sounds depressing when I write it, but she delivers these lines with just a touch of sarcasm and a lot of humor, and it’s kind of cute. Dawson tells her she’s beautiful, and she’s happy.

The gang arrives at the golf course rager. Matt Caulfield approaches to announce that this is HIS party, and they’re not invited. But Dawson knows kung fu, so they’re in! But they have to pay the entrance fee, which is a jello shot. As in, they each have to take one. Pacey says, “Thanks, Mr. Cosby,” which is definitely just a joke about jello, but since this dude is also serving them mysterious drinks, that line takes on a whole other meaning in 2015. Pacey did not mean to be this provocative, you guys. He just wanted to make a joke about jello.

Anyway, Pacey takes the first shot, and Kate is close behind. Jack takes one, but Andie plays the get out of jail free card – she’s designated driver. Joey declines, and judges Dawson for even considering the idea. He takes it, probably just to shut her up, and Joey storms off like this is the worst sin he has ever committed. Joey, just be mad at him for one of any of the million awful things he has said over the last three seasons, instead of for taking a jello shot.

K: TRUTH. But also: HOLY SHIT, JOEY, GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE AND DO A JELLO SHOT. It’s not like anyone’s asking you to snort cocaine from a stripper’s belly button while Dawson films it for distribution on the internet. Slow your roll, girl.

Diva: Right? Or just decline politely and leave everyone the fuck alone about it.

Vamp!Henry and Jen’s date. In addition to being completely pale and probs drinking his date’s blood, Vamp!Henry is wearing a black jacket with a red satin shirt, which is the most vampirey date outfit in the history of the world.

K: I’m just gonna go ahead and leave this here… 

Diva: YES THANK YOU BEST GIF EVER.

Jen starts talking about what a great time she’s having, and Vamp!Henry looks like he’s about to turn to dust. She thinks he’s just rudely falling asleep on her, until he falls off his bar stool and collapses to the ground.

Joey and Andie ride off in a golf cart. Joey’s complaining, and Andie assumes it’s about Dawson, but she’s really talking about Pacey, who always gets them into these messes. Joey doesn’t find his shtick charming (yeah, right), but Andie tells her that Pacey means well. They compare him to a dog, which is pretty insulting but they deliver the lines in a way that makes it sound adorable. And also Pacey is a little bit of a puppy, let’s be honest. Andie realizes that Joey sounds just like Andie did, right before she and Pacey started dating. (K: I may have flailed a little) (D: or a lot.) Suddenly a siren blares and Officer Doug’s voice orders their golf cart to pull over.

After the not-break, the party rages on. Kate is pouring drinks and already maybe a little bit drunk. Dawson asks her to go for a walk, and she agrees.

Vamp!Date Night. The paramedics take Henry to the hospital. He confesses the blood-selling thing to Jen, and hands her a gift. It’s a ring, which doesn’t fit her finger. (Um, try it on another finger, maybe?) Henry bemoans that he ruined everything, and the ambulance takes him away. This is dumb.

K: It was weird enough when he sold his blood, but adding in the fact that he bought her a ring for their first date, and that said first date is taking place on Valentine’s Day? The whole thing is rapidly heading to Christian Grey levels of obsessive and creepy.

Diva: SO MUCH CHRISTIAN GREY HAPPENING. This is my first Stalker Boyfriend meme, so I’m not sure if I’m doing this right, but:

Dawson and Kate’s walk. She thanks him for being the one who takes the drunk sad girls away so everyone else can have fun. But she insists she won’t burden him. He’s kind of offended that she assumes that that’s his motive, and that he’s not trying to take advantage of her. Kate literally laughs in his face, because she’s the best. And then he starts to speechify dramatically to the universe, and Kate tells him, “quit whining.” Kate might be the greatest non-Pacey character on this show, you guys. #WeAreAllKate She also tells him he might want to try not hemming and hawing, and just DOING something, like kissing her. I will not judge her for wanting to kiss Dawson, because she’s never going to have to see him again and she’s allowed to be sad and drunk and decide to kiss a random boy.

He leans in to kiss her, and she suddenly backs away. And immediately starts vomiting. #TeamKate #KateForever #TrueReactionsToKissingDawson

K: Perfect hashtag is perfect. I’d puke over the idea of kissing Dawson too, Kate.

Diva: And just after the vomiting begins, Officer Doug shows up.

Jen gets home from her date. Grams insists this will be something they can laugh about on their second date, but Jen is all, NOPE. Grams says, duh, Henry is doing all this because he thinks it will impress you, so, deal with it.

Officer Doug busts the party. Pacey is laying on some sort of a branch with a beer funnel and I’m crying laughing.

K: Pacey Witter is most definitely a puppy. This may be why I love him so much.

Diva: Capeside Drunk Tank, where the gang is behind bars. Kate asks if they do this every weekend, and announces that she’s totally over her ex. Jack is relieved, and starts to tell her his big news, except Andie’s like, WE’RE ALL LOCKED IN HERE TOGETHER, PLEASE DO NOT SHARE UPSETTING NEWS NOW KTHANXBAI. Kate isn’t deaf, so she’s like, uh, tell me. And just before he says it, she realizes that Jack is gay. She’s surprised, because they had good sex – and Andie’s face in reaction to that information is TERRIFIC.

Kate turns to Dawson and asks if he’s gay as well. He’s all, NOPE, but she thinks only gay guys kiss her. Joey immediately guilts him for kissing Kate, because she’s never mad at him for the right things. Kate clarifies that they ALMOST kissed, but she puked instead. Joey calls out Dawson for taking advantage of a drunk, vulnerable girl, which seems like a fucked-up thing to say right in front of said girl. They fight about Dawson’s character and how she has to let him be who he is.

Pacey chimes in with a bitter fake announcer voice about how this is the millionth time they’ve had this fight, and sarcastically hopes they’ll work it out. Pacey doesn’t like that Joey treats Dawson like a weird neutered virgin, but insists he doesn’t have a problem, he’s just playing the Greek chorus. (K: Traditionally, sweetie, the Greek chorus isn’t in love with the leading lady. But sure. We believe you. You adorable drunken puppy…) Joey wants to know why Pacey’s banter has suddenly become hurtful. He says Joey doesn’t deserve how mean he’s been to her tonight, he’s just drunk and frustrated. He’s tired of existing on the periphery of the Joey and Dawson machine.

He begs them to make up their minds before he pukes. J and D get confused faces on, and then Pacey ACTUALLY pukes. Another appropriate reaction to Joey and Dawson’s exhausting relationship.

K: I loved this whole speech so much. And Joey and Dawson’s faces in those last few gifs are fucking hilarious.

Diva: Amen. Mitch arrives to pick up the kids – except Pacey. Doug makes him spend the night in jail because their dad said so. Mitch is allowed to walk out of there with kids who aren’t even his, and one he’s never met, but since Doug Witter and Mr. Witter are the only cops in Capeside, Pacey has to stay overnight in this vomit-smelling cell? FUCK THIS NOISE.

Jen arrives at the hospital to visit a much less vamped-out Henry. She confesses that she was nervous about this date. At her old school, V-Day was when Jen stayed home because the guys she was seeing were taking out the girls they actually liked, and showering them with gifts. This was her first date on Valentine’s Day, and that pressure got to both of them. She says that if they continue dating, they should act like themselves. But she’s keeping the ring, because she likes it and it reminds her of Henry. She takes him up on his offer of jello, and they realize they’re actually on their date. They smile and chat and eat their jello.

House of McPheelings (K: A+ and 1430). Kate’s got some good perspective on this situation – that her ex-boyfriends being gay isn’t her fault (or theirs), and she can’t change it. Jack says he didn’t want to upset her with this news, but she doesn’t believe that’s why he was hiding it. He explains that he thought he’d be disappointing her; she promises he could never do that. She thanks him for taking her back to a simpler time this weekend, and they cuddle adorably.

Leery Manor. Mitch reminds Dawson about the boat he wrecked, and his other Season 3 fuck-ups. Dawson explains that he’s just trying to be a sixteen-year-old at a party. Mitch has no problem with that – it’s the wrecked boat and strippers in the living room and bailing his son out of the drunk tank he takes issue with. And if Dawson wants to act like a kid, Mitch will act like a parent. He orders Dawson to work at Gail’s restaurant, doing whatever she needs, until he learns to be more responsible and less reckless.

K: OH NO, MITCH. HAVING TO ACT LIKE A PARENT. HORROR.

Diva: Pacey and Doug have a brotherly chat. Pacey starts ranting about this smart, beautiful girl who he’s always arguing with, and who gives him butterflies (K: SQUEE). Doug asks what he’s going to do about this situation. Pacey says if he tries to do something, the apocalypse would actually happen. And then the most magical #crossovermagic of all time occurs, as Pacey tells his brother that “Capeside would become home to a huge Hellmouth.”

First Vamp!Henry, and now a Hellmouth? This Buffy #crossovermagic MUST be intentional, right?!

K: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!

Diva: I’M SO HAPPY WE’RE THE SAME LEVEL OF EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

Doug tells his brother that those kind of butterflies are rare, and he has to tell this girl how he feels.

Pacey thanks him for actually being a decent brother for once.

K: It definitely has its “please stop making gay jokes” moments of grossness, and season 1 was a total fucking trainwreck. But the relationship between Pacey and Doug from this point on? Is pretty fucking magical. 

Diva: Yes. This relationship has been a wasteland of ick up until now, but the progression is awesome to watch.

Cheesy music plays as the camera pans to Pacey, finally leaving the drunk tank and heading to Joey’s. She tries to shut the door in his face, but he apologizes for what he said last night. She admits she was worried about him.

Pacey can barely keep the #epicfeels off his face as he realizes this was all her way of expressing concern about him. She asks if they’re done here, but Pacey says he has something else he’s been wanting to tell her.

He looks so adorable and nervous as he approaches her. She gets serious face, and finally he tells her… that she’s leaning into the clutch too much when she’s driving. (K: I may have yelled “YOU CHICKEN” at the screen even though I’ve seen this show multiple times and know exactly where things are going and when.) He goes on and on about the driving as Joey just smiles knowingly, and he says he’d like to show her how to drive, right now. Pacey positively beams at her, and she beams back, and we watch him patiently and successfully teach Joey to drive. It juxtaposes beautifully with the first scene:

Because Pacey is Lloyd Dobler, and Dawson sucks at everything.

K: I also just have to add that I adore the fact that Joey gives zero fucks about the fact that she’s wearing her PJs and dressing gown around Pacey, something that never would have happened this time last season. She’s gone from thinking he’s this gross Neanderthal that the boy she loves hangs out with for inexplicable reasons to being completely comfortable around him, and it’s squee-worthy. 

Diva: Overall thoughts: This was fun! The Henry stuff was gross, but I enjoyed almost everything else. Kate took Dawson down a few pegs, everyone ate jello, and Pacey continued to earn all the love in our hearts. Current location: SQUEETOWN, USA. (And also Australia.)

K: What Diva said. Pretty much word for word. 

 

Next time on Dawson’s Creek: Pacey earns even more of our love by defending art, and Andie has #cheaterfeels in S03 E15 – Crime and Punishment.